Original subtitles

um

Baby, I'm going.

But, sweetheart, I don't want you to go.

Honey, I'm going hunting after the moon, all right? It's only a week. You'll

find plenty to do to talk about yourself.

Yeah, well, I was going to do something with Jamie and Ashley.

Uh -huh. That's great.

Beautiful. I gotta go.

Try not to miss me too much, okay?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I packed you some snacks for the drive.

Oh, um, by the way, I also packed that rifle lubricant you wanted.

Yes.

That's a good girl.

Ladies, T -minus three hours till girls' night.

Check. Check.

We'll all meet over at Amanda's, right?

Check. Check.

Okay.

Thank you. A girl's night.

Cheers.

This is all you need.

Thank you.

oh

Thank you.

Good boys, gentlemen.

Well, that was really... It was, wasn't it?

I like our little girls united together thing. It's like our own little secret

Tupperware party.

Only with different kinds of plastic.

Yeah, you know, Alex can never... Well, I mean, you girls are my best

friends in the whole world.

Does that mean I'm a lesbian? Of course not.

We're just playful.

The boys are probably doing the same thing on their hunting trip.

You think?

Gross.

Maybe it's in my nature to never be fully satisfied.

But cute and as bouncy and as well -muscled as you girlies are, there's

something missing.

Well, what do you think it is?

Dick. Dick is what it's called. Dick, Dick, Dick.

You heard of it? When I was a girl.

In books and stuff.

Ladies, that's why we have husbands.

Alex has one.

Five and three quarters when the mood is right.

A little less when the mood is not.

Or if I accidentally leave the air conditioner on too high.

So how often is the mood right?

About six days per annum.

So why are you always so perky?

Girls, listen.

Have a friend.

She's what would be called in certain circles a matchmaker, like in Hello,

Dolly. Is that the one where she dressed like a boy and studied the Torah?

A woman whose mission in life is taking lost little minnows like ourselves and

putting them in exciting adventures they otherwise wouldn't experience.

So you're saying in some circles she's called a matchmaker, in others, what's

she called then?

I don't know. Pimp, love broker, mac daddy.

Candy tangerine lady.

You want us to be hookers? Of course not. I want us to become call girls.

It still sounds so wrong.

So dirty.

All I'm saying is let's go meet her. She's a real cool chick.

And she's got those little cucumber sandwiches.

Look, look, there he is.

Isn't he beautiful?

Ooh, yeah.

What are we doing here?

Amy, tell us again about when you came home with them.

Welcome, ladies. It's nice to have finally met all of you.

Hi, listen, I just want to say that right off the bat, I think this is

Yeah, crazy.

I understand that all of you ladies might be a little bit nervous, but as I

would like to quote 1974's Emmanuel, enjoy the woman, nothing's wrong if it

feels good, and this will feel magnificent.

Your bodies will become well -oiled pieces of machinery for giving and

pleasure.

You will become the pilot.

And to think that most pilots only get to fly to Cleveland every day.

You'll be flying three or more flights a day to Loveland.

The layovers will be much more exciting.

This is crazy. We can't be whores.

Yeah, crazy.

My love pilots accompany jet -setters to exotic lands where they're wined and

dined and earn thousands of dollars in a single evening.

With the house taking 30%. Me being the house, of course.

Where do I sign?

You're not actually thinking about doing this, are you?

What a cute little minnow you are.

My clients are men. Men of culture, men of means.

They are exciting, wealthy, gorgeous, and some of them are even quite famous.

All of them, of course, have been thoroughly screened.

These are the kind of men that women around the world would die to date.

These are the kind of men that a little kitten like yourself would have no

access to.

I, however, can give you that access and earn you thousands and thousands of

dollars while doing so.

We'd have to be crazy not to do this.

I'm in.

Well, I guess it can hurt to try it, right?

I mean, as long as you guys promise not to tell, what would Alex do if he found

out? He'd get a good spanking.

And not get paid for it.

Allow me to show you something, ladies.

This is not a machine.

This is a private look at what goes on behind our closed doors.

What goes on here stays here. Unless you want to marry one of the gentlemen.

Oh?

Oh, yes. One of our ladies just recently nabbed a lover for life.

A life of riches and pleasures.

That's actually why the place is so empty right now and I had a chance to

with you.

He flew all of my ladies to Paris for the bachelorette party.

Paris? Nice.

And he even said that he's going to get circumcised.

Wow.

On behalf of my friends?

We're in.

I brought the cutest, hottest little outfit. I can't wait to take them off.

How did I get myself tucked into the...

You've got to let me, Amanda.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Ruby.

Oh my gosh, Tammy, what happened? How was it?

Awesome.

Totally awesome.

I mean, it was just like she said.

I felt like a machine.

A sex machine.

I'll tell you, I haven't been done like that in years.

But you know what?

I still got it.

Do you think I've got it?

I mean, what if I can't even go through with it?

Don't worry, Amanda.

When you're in the thick of it, you'll know what to do.

Okay.

You know what?

I bet Ashley's just as nervous as me right now.

No!

Hello? Hi.

Hi.

Could you be a doll and lend me a hand? I'm having the hardest time here.

Okay.

You're really good at this.

Oh, thanks.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm just another working girl.

If this were a movie, I'd be identified in the credits as whore number four or

something like that.

But today I'm the understudy.

And should one of you girls fail to fornicate, then I'll be brought in.

So does Madam Brittany not think that we're up to the challenge?

Oh, not you, and not the girl with the silly accent.

But the other one. The blonde, bouncy friend of yours with the ample breasts.

Her. Oh, the bouncy blonde is fine. She's just a little bashful is all.

She got married too young and never got a chance to unleash the whore inside.

This will be good for her. Once we get her going, she'll be as free as the rest

of us.

Well, if that's true, then I guess I'm just here to take a dip in the pool.

Want to cuddle?

No, I have intimacy issues.

I'm not really into the girl -girl thing myself, either.

I did take the day off work, though, and I did drive all the way up here.

So, what do you do when you're not here?

Oh, I work in a law office.

Data entry.

As opposed to anal entry, like we do here at Madame Brittany's.

See what I did there?

Anyhow, that's how I developed this really bad carpal tunnel syndrome. I

have days where I can't even get dressed.

Could you also help me with my bra?

Sure.

Thanks.

You really are good at this.

Do you want to go for a bra horse later?

Can I come in?

Yeah, come sit down.

It's okay.

You can sit down.

How's he doing?

He beat me with that.

So you're probably tired of listening to me babble on and on about all my life.

Not at all. I think you're intelligent, articulate.

I've been interested.

Thank you.

Oh my God.

Hello, ladies.

Hello. Very good for your first job. You all received a nice big fat envelope.

One for you. Thank you. And you.

Thank you. Mind if I join you for a drink? Please do.

Cheers,

ladies, to, uh... Cheers.

Thank you.

To making money.

I, however, can give you that access and earn you thousands and thousands of

dollars while doing so.

Really good at that.

What goes on here, stays here.

My girl.

Alex do if he found out.

That's a good girl.

The boys are probably doing the same thing on their hunting trip.

By the way, I also packed that rifle lubricant you wanted.

I'm looking for Ashley.

Are you she?

They say you like girls.

Depends who the girl is.

But I think we all know we've got a big decision to make.

Yeah.

Dear Evan, what can I say?

You've probably noticed my cold demeanor.

My obvious repulsion matters regarding your lovemaking.

And if not, you've probably noticed that everything you own is now scattered all

over the front lawn.

Save for the DVD of Sharky's machine and the $4 ,500 you had stashed away.

That?

Hmm, I don't know what happened to that.

Anyway, I'm sorry to tell you this, but the girls and I have found a wonderful

new life full of fun and adventure and lots of great sex with hot men.

You boys best have loads of fun on your little camping trips from now on,

because I hope to never see you again.

Kisses, Taney.

Dear Ted, it's been a long time since things were any good between us, and I

feel I need something different.

One man won't do it. I seem to need a boatload of men, and women, all offering

warm hello, a few thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

and a refreshing mug of hot cocoa.

In some quarters, I'd be called a whore, but really, I went to Vassar. How many

whores go to Vassar?

None. That's how many.

Love, Ashley.

Dearest Alex, you're probably wondering why, and it's not what you think.

Not your weight gain, or the back hair, your receding hairline, or the

diminished rigidity in your erection. No, Alex.

It's me.

I'm not the little girl that you can push around and patronize anymore.

We've simply outgrown each other, and I've moved on to a new, exciting life

of men with style and passion and bigger penises and fatter wallets than yours

will ever be.

Anyway, we can still be friends.

We'll still have a wonderful relationship, though only through my

Roderick Goldstein Esquire.

Signed, Amanda.

P .S.

Don't forget to feed the fish.

So, hi.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

And he even said that he's going to get circumcised.

On behalf of my friends.

We try to help you, but you're the same.