All language subtitles for 2005 - Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade

Ah, welcome to an island paradise. Here
we go.

So peaceful.

So serene.

A land of splendor and beauty.

A nice place to live, if you're a
cockroach or a drunk.

And let me tell you something.

You're about to see a wild and exciting
tale about three beautiful

explorers.

Meet Oklahoma Jones.

She'll snap you in a line.

And her friend, Alabama Jones.

She's a hot little pistol with a saucy
smile.

And California Jones.

Don't cross her freeway or she'll run
you down.

So grab your hats, hold on to your
bottoms, and bring a bottle.

You're about to go on an adventure
you'll never forget.

It's so hot out here. I am so hungry.

I just want some water.

We've got to stick to this mission,
though.

Yeah, we've got to find that idol of
Kanani.

It's not going to be easy. It is going
to be dangerous.

Well, you know what happened to the last
crew?

No, what?

What? Well, there were these two hot
girls walking along that beach. You

the one that we passed back there. Yeah,
yeah.

And they stopped for a little, um...

R &R, if you know what I mean.

Oh, I think I know what you're talking
about.

Then they heard something really
strange.

The legend of Kyoki.

Told you it was nothing more than a tall
tale made up by the natives.

Keep tourists out of this jungle.

Tall tale or not, this place really
gives me the creeps.

You're the only archaeologist I know who
would rather look for antiquities on

Fifth Avenue than Daddy's charge card.

No, I'm not.

She's reminding herself.

The museum is going to pay for it.

If we even make it that far, mosquitoes
are eating me alive.

Did you hear something?

Calm down.

It's just your overactive imagination
running wild again.

I wish someone would do something to put
me and my mind at ease.

I had a feeling we might get lucky on
this expedition.

Nice thought, baby.

Who's got you, baby?

Down on your knees, it's time for
confession.

Tell me, baby, you're only happy if
you're my confession.

You can't sleep tonight.

What's got you here tonight?

Even one night, I can see it right in
your eyes.

I've got you.

I want you, baby.

Playing with my head.

Now you got a fire in it.

You move me, honey.

Let me know you can't live without it.

I'll have to throw you deep in all
night.

Love me, baby.

I'd die to love you, baby. Love me,
baby.

I'll have to throw you deep in all
night.

I love you, baby.

I love you, baby. I love you, baby.

I love you, baby.

Thank you.

I love you. I love you.

Thank you.

That sounds like it was a pretty bad
scene.

Yeah. I hope nothing like that happens
to us.

You never know. These places are pretty
haunted.

Look. Out loud.

I can't believe it.

Good boy.

You know, no one's seen the idol of
Punani in over a thousand years.

Well, let's go on in and be the first.

Yeah.

You think we should go in?

Yeah, we're going in.

We're going to go in.

Who's going to take it?

I'm not going to take it.

Well, I'm not taking it.

Why am I always the one to take it?

You've got the biggest guy.

Die, you son of a bitch.

That was close.

Well, girl, I guess we owe ourselves a
little rest and relaxation, too.

Why don't we hit that beach we passed a
mile ago?

Oh, yeah.

Now, doesn't that look inviting?

Yeah.

Come on, you guys. Let's go check it
out.

Yeah.

Wow, it looks like a storm's coming up.

I think it's about to get real.

Let's go for that.

Why not?

Here it is, as promised.

Good job, ladies.

This idol will get you put on the front
cover of National Neolithic.

Well, then, I guess it was worth our
time.

Yes, the museum will pay you handsomely
for this.

Well, I hope so, because we're running
low on lingerie.

Well, you know that you can borrow some
of mine if you need it.

Wow, I don't think we can afford
lingerie like that.

Well, you will be able to afford this
once you complete your mission.

What do you want us to do?

I want you to go find the golden mango
of Tan Tu.

What the hell is that?

The mango is an artifact that holds
great sexual power.

It was given to slave traders by a gay
witch doctor from Timbuktu.

Thinking it was a harmless gift, they
accepted it. Only later did they realize

that the witch doctor put a horrible
curse on it.

A curse?

Yes, a sexual curse.

The next day, the slave traders were
raped by their own camels.

Oh, my God!

The possessor of the mango has the power
to turn any woman on.

Over the centuries, it's made its way
across Europe, turning all that come

it into sexual slaves.

And that's a bad thing?

It is if you're the slave.

What happened to it? Well, one of the
researchers bought it, took it to the

island of Douma. While he was doing
research on the black pongo gorillas,

the gorillas stole it.

Black pongo gorillas?

Yes. A very intelligent species.

In fact, one of the smartest gorillas
has opened up a cat house right in

Bangkok.

We want you to find that pongo and bring
back that mango.

But no one's seen the mango in over ten
years.

I know, but I need you girls. You guys
are the best. The best of the breast.

We need you. You're our last shot.

Okay. We'll do it. Good.

Now, how do we find it? There's only two
people that can get you to that mango.

Luna. Luna the Jungle.

Are you talking about the mysterious
jungle queen who lives out by the warm,

wet, lush Beaver Falls?

That's right.

And who's the other?

Jungle Bill Mason.

Are you talking about that old world
wandering drunk that just trekked

the jungle, sipping on Mai Tais and
bumping into palm trees?

One and the same.

You know, the rumor has it that he was
shacking up with one of those gorillas

back in the 80s. But that was a while
ago.

All right. Well, tomorrow California and
I will go and try to find him.

And I'll go see if one of the apes can
lead me to Jungle Bill.

Sounds good, ladies.

Good luck.

Luna!

Luna!

I thought she was supposed to be here.

That's what I was told.

Keep looking.

DJ?

OJ?

No, no, no, not that OJ.

Um, Luna, we're looking for a man.

Jungle Bill.

Me no, no.

Hairy face?

Uh, drinks a lot?

Me, me no, no.

No.

Smells, smells bad.

Walks kind of funny.

Falls a lot.

Do you know what we're looking for? Do
you have any idea?

What do you know, Luna?

Luna knows it.

Me like you.

A call to all, if I call, call to all,
if I call,

call to all, feel it's what we love.

We rise like the ocean,

when we will rise to regain

our home.

A long time ago, there came to me a man,
and he said,

this land is mine.

Work for me now, but I'll take no way.

And we cannot take it no longer, and I
know you

can't own your homeland, so we rise.

Like the ocean.

We will rise.

We gain our homeland.

There we rise. Stop our segregationists.
There we rise. To bring up

intelligence. By creating a world with
more positives.

In this time, what we do is the choice
up to you.

Got to rise like the ocean.

We will rise, regain our homeland, build
this world we love.

Yes, I'm a dreamer.

Believer, truth seeker.

Hoping and searching, looking and
praying for.

What am I talking?

A world with no feeling.

Time for some chilling.

Let's look and let's be something.
Something is missing.

So we rise like the ocean.

We gain our homeland.

We gain our homeland.

We gain our homeland.

We gain our homeland.

It is where we lie.

We lie like the ocean.

Well, it was fun talking to Luna, but we
still need to find Jungle Bill.

We need a plan.

Ooh, look at the fog. Let's go down and
check it out. Maybe he's over there.

Awesome.

Wow.

Hey, look.

Huh?

Knock yourself out.

I don't see Jungle Bill anywhere.

You like that?

My God, these mosquitoes are biting me
all over.

I know. I'm getting eaten alive.

Oh, you know what I have?

I have this really good bug lotion. Want
me to put some on you?

Sure do.

Mm -hmm.

Ah!

It bit my ass.

You want that?

Yeah.

I want that so much.

The place is really pretty out here.

Jungle Bill!

Now where could he be?

He could be anywhere.

Hold it right there.

Hold it right there.

Are you one of the black pongos?

Can you take me to Jungle Bill? Can you
take me to Jungle Bill?

Can you at least tell me where he is?

A bar.

He's at a bar.

There are a lot of bars here. What bar?

Sounds like... Sounds like

coconut. Coconut for a gorilla.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Mr. Gorilla.

Thank you.

But no thanks.

Here's your drink, Bill. There's some
girls to see you.

Thanks for the drink, Binky. Next time
hold the fruit.

Are you Jungle Bill?

Maybe.

Who's asking?

Three hotties that need your services.

Well, just what kind of services do you
need from Jungle Bill?

To take us to the Black Pongos.

What? The Black Pongos? Are you crazy?

Who sent you here?

Some random gorilla.

Random gorilla?

We got lots of random gorillas around
here. You have to be more specific than

that. He's really good at charades.

Oh, that bastard, huh?

All right, all right. How much money,
honey, huh?

$1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

That's spitting me underwear.

And all the Mai Tais you could drink.
Not enough. I want cash.

$1 ,500 firm.

$1 ,500 firm? Oh, maybe he'll guide you
into the jungle for $1 ,500 firm.

3 ,000. That's all we have.

Now you're talking, my little foghorn,
Molly.

When do we leave?

Right now.

Right now is good. But before we go, I
want to ask each one of you some

questions. Okay?

Okay. How long are your nipples?

About long enough to suck on.

All righty.

If Millard Fillmore and Zachary Taylor
were alive today, which one would you

like to go out with?

Who are they?

Do you like to trim your own hedges?

Every day.

Okie dokie. Do you have battery
problems?

Depends on how horny I am.

Have you ever met a gorilla in the
jungle and just fucked the ever -loving

out of him?

Twice. Good girl, twice.

Do you like to lick lollipops?

Back and forth, up and down.

When walking through the jungle, where's
the safest place to store your eyebrow

pencil? Up my butt.

Up your butt is the perfect answer.

Hey, diddle diddle, the cat.

Is a whore.

Perfect. Nice answer.

Would you beat Bill with one of those
horse whips you have hidden in your

drawers? Don't have any. Oh, I was
looking forward to a good beating.

Do you know how to tell a real blonde? I
never look at what I'm eating.

What if you woke up tomorrow morning and
found Jungle Bill nuzzled next to you?

Cut your dick off.

Cut me dick off.

Thank you so much. Time for me to go now
and drink some more.

Hi, how are you?

Where at?

Really?

Well, you know, I was just thinking
about that jungle man.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have had an
encounter with him once.

In the jungle?

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

There's a fire.

Burning inside you.

Love to love.

And be free.

All over the world.

This is a fire.

This is a fire.

This is a fire.

This is a fire.

A mystic fire, it can't be stopped, and
it's spreading,

it can't be stopped.

Burning down the hate, burning down the
greed, burning down

the fear, going to sick leave y 'all.

Peace is a fire, peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is in flame.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is in flame.

We are the fire, who hold the love
water.

Let's put out this fire, so peace
returns us.

Peace is a fire,

peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire, peace is a fire.

Oh, you see, we got the love.

Oh, you see, we got the love.

Got the love.

Got the love.

Got the love. Got the love. Got the
love.

Peace is the fire.

Peace is the fire.

Peace is the fire.

Open the door and lay in the floor, says
Jungle Bill the sailor.

Oh, there you are.

Ready for a little stroll to the jungle
with Jungle Bill today? Absolutely.

Well, I've had my morning, my tie. How
about you?

A little early for me.

Well, I hope you sprayed your asses with
all kinds of bug repellent because the

mosquitoes out here are bigger than your
tits.

Pretty big.

Damn big.

All right, let's head out. What do you
say?

Can we get going? I need to walk up.

Well, a hangover can best be walked off
with a little song to get us going, huh?

Oh, we love a song.

Well, one of my favorites.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor. Shave
my balls with a rusty razor.

I hear the morning.

I hear the morning.

Little one, let me find out.

Oh! Oh, Jesus!

It's Fallopian tube, Christ!

It's Jamie Spooner!

Well, what'd they do to him? Oh, those
bastards, they gave him a jungle

facelift. That's what they did to him.

They ripped the clean off and now he's
some kind of cheap, varnished

at a flea market.

Who did it?

Look! Goddamn cojones!

Those filthy, foul rat bastards. They'd
pee on their own grandmothers if they

could.

Oh, shit in their whiskey.

They're not going to get away with this
from me.

Well, we're still going to have to go
on.

Oh, I know, but just give me one moment
with them, will you, please?

You know, you rat bastard, you owe me $5
,000, huh?

Okay, you stupid shit.

Valley of the Tarts.

That's right.

A bunch of cloven -hooved, egg -laying,
cat -eyed, hairy -headed trolls who

wouldn't piss on their own mothers to
put the fire out if the four girls burst

into flames. I've seen one of those
bitches spit poison in a man's eye from

600 yards.

I don't want to lose my last one, so
let's leave these fours behind.

They're rotten.

Hell. Well, I'm not afraid. I think we
can take him.

Yeah.

And

these

are the hills of Rapa Nui Trapa.

This is the place where the old chiefs
used to capture virgins, wrap their

bodies in bacon, cover them with poi,
and throw them over the cliff to the

hungry gods below.

Today the whole hill still smells like a
pork chop after all these years.

I think I'm going to go up there and get
me a little breakfast. You want to come

along?

Caution. Saints preserve us.

I don't believe it.

What is it?

It's the home of Tony Biggie the Rat.

Some faggot hairdresser from Brooklyn
tried to cross the land of the Italki by

himself. The witch doctor put a curse on
his ass.

And now he's half rat, half man.

The lower half rat.

You can hear him passing his bowels at
night.

Boom! Out they come like bowling balls.

Could you smell him? You can smell him,
and you can see him. He'll be howling

like a pig here soon.

He's just had dinner, I can tell.

Let's hit it. Come on.

Who are those guys?

They're the schwarze flancos.

Half black, half white.

Sometimes they're three -in -one bars.
You can't tell what they're going to

out looking like.

Are they dangerous?

Damn dangerous.

Especially when they find you walking in
their backyard with your pants off.

Will you go talk to them?

I understand their bloody language. I'll
talk to the big, skinny, hairy one.

Can we pass?

Yeah,

you filthy savages. Oh,

I can't help but your old ladies.

No,

girls are not for sale.

Not Tamir.

Not Tamir, you stinking...

No, come on, Allah. No, come on, Allah.

Oh, come on, you oversized goofbag.
You're not going to play ball. I'll blow

your nut clean off me. You're a cancer.

What did they say?

He says he wants us out. That's what he
said.

Let's get ready to run, okay? Because I
think they're going to charge us.

And I... Holy shit. What's with them?

Cowardly little bastards.

I thought you'd crawl out of Satan's
balls, did you, huh?

Yeah, come on, I'm warning you, bitch.

It ain't that much.

Get right.

I got a pair myself.

How long you want to stop my knees,
Sammy?

Uncle Bill.

Oh. Are you okay?

Oh, Christ, what do you think?

Are you hurt?

Oh, God, I'm hurt.

I haven't hurt like this since me
grandma tied me to the back of the old

and dragged me around the farm for
stealing chicken eggs.

Filthy old bitch.

Holy shit.

He ripped my dick clean off.

Oh.

Oh, God, gross. Listen, there's only two
or more paths that you could take to

get...

One of them is Taco Road.

And the other one is the path of Pop
Toppy.

Hey, Pop Toppy.

Oh, that's it.

I think Bill's checking out of his room
now.

No, Bill, don't leave us.

Oh, look.

It's Johnny Weissmuller.

Johnny, I'm Gala.

Bill? I'm Gala.

Poor Jungle Bill.

He was the best drunken tracker I ever
knew. He was truly a poet of the jungle.

Let's take a moment of silence.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor. Shave
my balls with a rusty

razor. Early in the morning.

I think it's about time we split up.

CJ, you go down tobacco road, and you
and me will go down the path to popcorn.

We'll meet up later at the beach. Is
that cool?

Oh, good.

All right. See you later. Be careful.

Me, Jungle Man.

Who are you?

Me, CJ.

I'm looking for the Black Pongos.

Black Pongos, bad.

Well, what about your Pongos?

Jungle Man Pongos, big.

Well, that I'd have to see to believe.

Me, show.

Oh, okay.

I'm on the run.

I'll cast away until the day of

what I need.

When will it be?

When just I see.

When will it just be?

The will is justice.

The low man will pray.

When the people say the heart is
divided, leave and let live, the wicked

fall. When the will is justice.

I got time to rest.

No hounds on my heels.

Pray for tomorrow.

With ease of mind.

The will is just.

When just I.

When just I see

The

scared one way we go Is the way we love

The scared one way we go I'll be coming

home And the way is just

Just I think.

Will it be?

Will it?

Just I think.

We'll let, we'll let, we'll let, we'll
let, we'll let go.

Us is them, them is us. This is in our
hands.

The will is just.

It's a jungle out here.

Oh, no.

Hey,

do you see something?

I think so.

Is that a woman?

I don't know. Let's go see.

What are you doing here? Who are you?

Oh, I'm Amelia.

You're not Amelia Airhead, are you?

Yes, I am. My plane crashed right over
there over 70 years ago.

But you look so young.

I know.

I think I found the fountain of
everlasting youth.

Don't you love it?

Wow.

Well, you don't know about the Black
Pongos, do you?

I have no idea. I'm sorry. I can't help
you. You're welcome to come and sit

down.

Okay.

Hmm. We need to relax, anyway.

Wow. So you've been here all alone this
whole time?

I know. I really quite like it.

I think I can help you with that. I am.

You know what? I've got a knot. Can you
help me?

Of course.

I thought maybe I could help you girls
with something.

You girls look like you know how to have
some fun.

If she's not for you, just let time let
her come through.

She's got so much good to do.

I love her so, I gotta let you know.

Mary Hayden on the Macy's. world.

You touched her.

You have to show us the fountain of
youth.

Oh, I will do. I'll show you, darling.

Well, that was a lot of fun, but we're
still in the dark where the Black Pongos

are. I know. I wonder what happened to
California Jones.

I wonder if she got any information.

Let's ask her. There she is.

Hey. Hey.

What'd you find out, anything?

I didn't find out anything. I ran into
Jungle Man, and I did whatever I could

get information, and I don't think he
knew anything.

What about you?

Well, we actually ran into Amelia
Airhead down the beach.

She's been here for like 75 years. She
looks great. She found the Fountain of

Youth. She didn't know anything about
the Black Congos either.

Well, it's getting late. Why don't we
just build a fire instead of camp?

That sounds good.

Yeah. Hey, anybody bring any matches?

You've got me down on your knees.

Tell me,

baby, you're only happy in my
possession.

You can't keep me right.

I've got you in every fight.

I'll never kill you, keep you all night.

Love me, baby.

I've got new hopes tonight.

Love me, baby.

I'll never kill you, keep you all night.

You'll be coming.

Try to relax, let us know.

I want you, baby.

I often knock on your mind all the time.

Playing with matches.

Now you've got fire in you.

Let me know you can't live without it.

I love you.

We've got you, baby.

Down on your knees in the confession.

Down on your knees, baby.

You're only happy for my confession.

Thank you.

I've got you, baby.

Down on your knees.

Tell me.

You're only happy if you have
possession.

You can't keep tonight.

What got you here tonight?

Even the night.

I can't see you tonight.

Love me, baby.

I've got new hopes tonight.

Love me, baby.

I've got new hopes tonight.

I want you, baby.

I've been knocking on your mind all
night.

Playing with matches.

Now you've got a fire in you.

You move me, honey.

Let me know you can't live without it.
Love me, baby.

My darling, what do I want?

I don't know.

I love you. I love you.

What a night. Whoa, what a night.

What's going on?

Let's get out of here.

Well, we gotta go back that way then. I
think we should go north.

Nope, nope, nope. We're going south,
back to the jungle.

Of course, you'd want to go south, you
fucking coochie.

Coming from somebody who can't find
their way out the parking lot without

a blowjob.

Hey, look!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. It's Jungle Bill. That's
impossible.

He's dead.

What's he doing out there?

Fishing?

Oh, look. He's pointing the way.

All right. Look.

Oh, my God.

It's the Princess of the Apes.

Oh, my God.

But we're the apes.

I hope they're not dangerous.

Hey, that's not a bad beat.

Oh, my

God, it's the

golden mango.

So that's what they mean by the golden
mango.

Yeah.

Come to California.

Let the truth be known.

We are not alone.

We are one.

We are

one.

That was a sack of worms, wasn't it?

Well, God bless me, I missed the bus.
Johnny said he'd come back and pick me

in a moment.

Said he had to pick up a few drunken and
stoned -out celebrities off the streets

of L .A. first. You know how that goes.

So I'll be in the back of the bus, I'll
be way to heaven.

With a nice, fine, strong, strong my
tie.

You know, the kind that takes away your
sins.

Anyway, I hope this is a happy time for
the girls. I know they're going to do

well. And if they don't, I'll come back
from beyond and spank their little butts

red as sausage.

I'll say goodbye to you now.

God bless you all.

I play

Oklahoma Jones.

We're all Joneses, actually, but I
specifically requested Oklahoma

I wanted to be named after an exotic
place.

Hi, my name's Katie James, and I play
Alabama Jones, a .k .a.

AJ. And I can't tell you the other a .k
.a. Anal Deuce. Oh, he thought.

He wasn't supposed to say it. That's my
pet name.

Honey, that was just between us. I'm
sorry.

Talk about your director.

H .R. Blueberry.

Sexy as hell.

Have you ever seen Shrek?

But he's a sweet ogre. He's a friendly
ogre that gets upset and frustrated

sometimes and does have a tendency to
yell, but I know he doesn't mean to.

But he's a good guy, good ogre.

H .R. Blueberry, really? Oh, he's a
wonderful man.

Don't you just love him?

Describe him to me, physically.

Physically, I think he's one of the most
handsomest men I've ever seen.

What does he look like again?

Our director, H .R. Blueberry.

What can we say about that? I've got to
tell you, there was one day that you

weren't there on this particular day.

We were shooting at this gorgeous
waterfall.

Skeet is stuck here.

But seriously, when we were at the
waterfall, it was a little warm. We were

shooting in the sun. It was so
beautiful. And I was luckily done for

I decided to get in the water.

And HR decided he was going to get in
the water, too. And I think he was a

little modest.

So he went swimming in his jeans and his
shirt.

He was modest? With a body like that?
That's what I'm saying. And I don't know

if it was modesty or if it was...

He didn't want to get me all riled up.

That's understandable.

But when his jeans were wet, he had a
package.

And that was coming out of cold water,
honey. I can't even imagine.

I have dreams about him.

So his large frame doesn't turn you off?
Mainly.

Here in Hawaii, large is a sign of
royalty.

Big is beautiful.

Yeah. Like most of the statues here.

Yeah, actually skinny folk aren't really
respected much around here. Because it

means they probably don't have enough
money to eat. They can't care for

themselves. People throw things at them.
Rotten papaya.

Estates.

Tell me your name.

Aria Giovanni.

And what character do you play in this
movie?

I play Luna.

What's your name?

Cheyenne Silver.

And who do you play in this movie?

I play CJ, which is California Jones.

We are the Jones girls.

What's it like, what's your house like,
the house like here on the set?

Let me tell you something.

The Playboy Mansion's got nothing on it.
No, I think that they compared it to

the Versailles in Italy.

Wow.

But they call it a plantation, which a
plantation on the island is different

than like a plantation in Mississippi.
For one, there are no slaves that I saw.

Um,

and, uh, God, everything, all of our
wants, needs, and desires are adhered

Boom. Yeah.

Wipe my ass. Here they come.

That's true.

Great. I'm Caddy Marie.

And what's the role that you play in our
movie?

Oh, God, I am Amelia Ehad.

Appropriate, huh?

We'll be Ehad, babe.

Tell me about the girls that you're
working with.

The girls I'm working with. Actually,
you know what? It's been such...