All language subtitles for WOJNA POLSKO-RUSKA (2009).ENG

For Dady.

First she told me, she had two news:
The good one and the bad one.

So, which do I want first?

The good, I say.

So she said that there's supposed
to be a Polish/Russian war in town.

Then I say, how come you Arleta
can know anything about it.

She says that's what she heard.

So I say, give me the bad one.

So she took out her lipstick
and told me that Magda says

it's over between me and her.

That's how I've learned
she dumped me.

That means Magda.

Though we felt good together, and we've
lived through a lot of good moments

and a lot of nice words passed
from my side as well as her side.

Listen, Yobbo...
It's like... It's like this:

I have for you Yobbo
good news and bad news.

So which one do you want first,
good or bad?

Good.

You hear? There's supposed to be
a Polish/Russian war in town.

And how come you Arleta know anything
about it? Who said so? What war?

- You're spreading paranoia.
- That's what I've heard.

And fuck, I don't know what it exactly
means this war, how it's supposed to be.

- I thought you are more in the subject.
- Fine... Give me the bad news...

There's never enough.

And Magda says it's over
between you and her.

More precisely?

Just that it's over between you two...

For fuck sake, how come you know
anything about that?

That's what she told me to tell you,
so I'm telling you... Jesus!

I feel sadness more than
anything else.

What's that now?

You need to let that Magda have it.
I'm telling you.

And Magda walks in,
she looks like something happened,

like she's falling apart...

Hair messed up, purse hanging sloppily,
skirt crooked, earrings not right.

She is uglierthan ever.

First of all, spit out your gum!

What are you moarning?

Spit out the gum! Which is out from
the mouths of those dirty guys,

cause from their mouths this gum is.
But you think I know nothing about it?

You're sick! Hey...

If you are like that I'll slam
the whole bar...

Fuck!!! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Which one of you?
Which one?

Fuck, I'm asking you!

But I loved you!

I also loved you!

I was always into you, understand?
Always...

Though you used to be Lefty's girl.
But for what? For what?

Because he took over the Bar?

Anything Lefty has is better, right?
Better shoes? Better money?

Come back to me, I'm begging you!

Please! I'll be good, more yours...

Please, I'm begging you!

I always had yourback! Always!
I was for you. For you!

You know...

Though it wasn't always so great.

Yobbo! Fuck, man!

Lefty! Hey, Boss, it's not us!
He just showed up and tore the place up.

What the fuck? You and your... slut.

I won't let you! Fuck!

Cause Magda is worse than any of those
red dirty on faces Russkies.

I know you had her! I know
that you all had her before me.

And now you'll have her again.
Now she's yours.

She's drunk and open 24/7.
Go and take her all of you by turns.

You Lefty's first. Yeah, for you
the freshest meat...

Cause you have to have
the very best things in life, right?

And Magda's the best, cause she's got
a golden heart.

Because that's Magda! Understand?

We felt good together. We've lived
through a lot of good moments.

And a lot of nice words passed...

Alot of nice words from my side
as well from her side.

And if she'd said it straight
into my eyes,

but it happened so differently
cause she told me it through Arleta.

I claim it was herpure rudeness,
some crudeness.

Now I feel only sadness, grief,

that it wasn't told straight
into my eyes by her.

At least one word.

I mostly hate people like you, Yobbo.

I'll tell you flat out.
I don't mean you personally...

I mean those disco-assholes,
disco-whores, whom I just hate.

Look at your friends.

Just a bunch of sluts and assholes
in heat for each other.

All they everthink about
is finding a husband.

It's totally embarrassing, how they
root around begging for self-breeding.

No contraception.

What?

Nothing... You have a cool
and interesting styla...

But as far as women go,
you're all the same skank...

But as far as women go,
you're all the same skank...

...the same castrating bitch.

...the same castrating bitch.

I don't want any more women...

Cause each one is a simple whore!

Once a month she breaks
and stops working.

So now it's over.

Even if a woman begged me
on her knees to take her,

then I'd say to such: Oh no...

Get the fuck out!!!

Out of heart and out of sight.

Out ofheart and out of sight.

You know, Yobbo? You hold the thruth!

I equally don't want to be with
any woman orman.

There is no gender.

There's no split between men and women.
There is only one rank. You know which?

The rank and race of motherfuckers,
simple potential sons ofbitches.

Have you ever heard of energy-vampires?

They suck up your energy
and leave you nothing.

That was my boyfriend,
Robert Sztorm.

Robert? Robert Sztorm...

I know the dude.
Is his dad named Zdzislaw?

That's right...

They own a sand factory.

Yeah, sure, I know them.
They own a sand factory...

We do a good business together.
We make bank.

- I'd never have guessed.
- I have a different rackets.

...amusement parks...

...amusement parks,
which eat up a lot of sand.

Oh, really? Lfit is so,
then show me your card,

your ticket from this business.

They're being done up by my secretary.

They're being done up by my secretary...

...miss Magda.

But I can show you the official
sand factory writing instrument,

from Mr. Zdzislaw Sztorm
which I got personally.

One, two, three, four, five...
What's yourfavourite bread?

Five liters...

Bread Pitt...

You are an idiot.

Oh, honey, there you're...

Are you nervous? About tomorrow?

Listen, dear, have you thought about
what you're going to wear tomorrow?

Put on your tracksuit,
little girl...

If you want, we could do
some vanish...

Robert would never let me.

You're here with me, or with this
virtuous Saint Robert, son of Zdzislaw?

He's a psycho.

If there's any trouble with Robert,
go ahead...

he's going to have some visit at home.

I got rid of all his letters.

Good job.

All of them. It was my suicide attempt.

Unsuccesstul, but even so.

But if I hadn't puked up all
the Tylenol in the world,

my life would be
even shorter than it is.

By half a year.

What's yourname, again?

Angela. Just Angela.

Andrzej, kiss me straight on the lips.

It's just the two of us, you and me.
Life is so short, death is so near.

Everything whithers and dies.
Kiss me...

First we go to my place.
She won't shut up.

Like a music box, only a lot worse.

So if I could, I'd drag that
speed back out her nose.

Then put it in a bag.

And seal it up and hide it
so that she'd never see it again.

Since even the sight of it could cause
this endless word-avalanche

that just goes on and on.
I say nothing. Not half a broken word.

I don't want to ruin it.
I listen like I'm at confession...

Do you have a girlfriend?

Not right now. I still can't get over
the girl I had to dump

because she crushed my spirit
several times a day.

Yeah, it's good that you broke it off.
I'm not dumb and shallow like that.

For instance, I don't eat meat.
Meat is murder.

Sugar is made of animal bones,
so I don't eat suger either.

I don't know if you know,
but there is no God.

There is no God, because He condemned
His children to suffering and death.

There is no God, not in church, nowhere.
There's only Satan.

The Black Bible, you have to
read it, analyze it,

it's the best education in ideas
I received in all ofhigh school.

I don't know if you know,
but I don't eat eggs, either.

What are you, retarded?
What did eggs ever do to you?

And how would you feel if you
were killed against yourwill?

If you didn't even know it was
happening, and you were helpless?

Nice house, real modern.

My aunt in Canada has one like this,
only better, Canadian, vertically open.

Is this Russian siding?

Russki or not, it's pretty good siding,

though it might just fall off
when you're not looking.

So that's the way You think?
Here, put these on. They're my mom's.

Coffee? Tea?

No, I don't want anything.
In fact I don't eat.

I heard somewhere that's best.

One grain of rice, swallow with
six glasses of hot water.

"I'll be back on Wednesday.
Why don't you answer the phone?"

The next day, two grains. Then three,
four, five, six, seven, eight...

"I left you money
in the usual place. Mom."

Each day you add one, but the number
of glasses remains the same.

That's how you do it.

To avoid murder of animals, who pay
harshly for our fucked-up consumerism.

You're really pretty. Really!

You could be an actress,
or even a singer.

Don't be stupid...

You really think so?

Absolutely.

You know, I write poetry... Right now
just into the shelve, but...

Yobbo, don't you have any contacts?

With a CEO-type, with some
not-too-shady journalists?

Nope.

I'm talking about making art,
culture, poetry readings, vernissages.

We could expose my suicide attempt,
it can always be helpful.

To wipe away the barrier
between author and audience.

We'll put that I'm totally young
but already so talented...

Leave it! That's my favorite number.

Yeah?

"I cross the world,
unconquered in my dreams,

I look upon everything
as if through a screen.

Hey, hey, hey, that's how I am.

Hey, hey, hey, that's how I am.

I paint my face in a smile,
I drink my wine,

like scarlet,
and so is my name.

Hey, hey, hey, that's how I am.

Hey, hey, hey, that's how I am.

I have no more dreams.

I know no fairytales."

Fuck. Satan...

So you like rocks, Angela?

Low in calories with your diet
it's precious to eat such rock.

Come here.

Tell me, who you really are.

Without the hysterics, without
keeping anything in the dark.

You're a nutcase, right?
From Nutsville?

Now's the time to confess,
once and for all!

You know, you're turning me on.

So silent, you could be.

Not blabbing...

Not getting off the fucking topic
like a sprung chicken.

In such a quiet mood, I might even
be ready to show you some feelings.

If I could just have some
written confirmation

that you'll part your jaws for every
other purpose than articulated speech.

Then, yeah, sure... I'd buy you.

Oh... Angela, look...

Check it out, some shit-eating
German glam-rock bitch

gets laid by some armored knight.
Hey... Look...

Angela!

Beat it George, you moron... Hide...

Don't you see there's an action
reanimation going on here?

Unfortunately, it'll be some time
before you can come up for air.

As soon as we wake up our stone-puking
Sleeping Beauty, then of course,

together we'll look for some
better entertainment for you,

something more interesting,

and not just sitting
alone in the dark...

I took the cash.

Hi five!

I'm tired of this style...

I'd totally like to be
more average than I am,

to be like my friends from school,
they just go to school and back,

no fun, no gloomy thoughts about life.

But for me suicide is no big deal,
a jab of the knife,

a kilo of pills, and I'm dead.

Show me some photo of you from
when you were little and butt-naked.

No way. I was never little.

I was born pretty big and with hair,
and then I just grew...

I didn't even have to eat...

Bullshit.

Are you tired?

No, I just like to lie here...
To lie here and dream.

This is a leaf from a tree.

This is a cornerstone.

This is my First Communion,
which I spit out right after I took it,

dried it out
and now carry it around for luck.

This is my first tooth.

This is my first boyfriend,
Robert Sztorm.

It's because of him
I wanted to kill myself.

Oh, Angie, death doesn't matter.

Maybe you don't believe in death,
it's just superstition anyway.

This is a postcard
that a girlfriend

from Szczecin sent me
from hertrip to Hel.

That she's having a great time,
in the fresh air a lot,

and P. S, a song is good for everything.

Oh, and that's when our
little Angie sprung a leak.

- I'm a virgin.
- Give us a break, woman...

Come here.

After all, today's your big day,
Saint Angela's Day.

Come on, straighten out
your little panties,

that'll heal before your wedding day.

So have a seat.
Come on, don't get so upset.

It's already dawn. I can hear
a dog yapping and howling.

Bitchy?!! She wants to feed.

That fucking fat-ass
is crying bloody murder.

Bitchy! Shut it!

You're going to get it!

And now let's get down to business,
lovely lady.

What do you say we do a thin
little line as consolation?

How about it, Angie?

Slide over. Move your ass...

Come on, just move it for a second.
Move your goddamn ass!

Fucking shit!!!

And now your whole career's
just gone down the tubes,

before I even had a chance to lift
a finger and mobilize my connections.

You need to get gone,
my little star... Here and now...

Come on. Take your beautiful shoes,
take your souvenir trinkets.

And Madame, we wish to thank you
for participating in our program.

Here are the Gerda automatic doors,
left, right, and goodbye.

The Number3 bus will come
to pick you up shortly.

While I was asleep, the Russkies
had entered the apartment,

forced their way in and knocked everything
over with the butts of their rifles,

shot the images of waterfalls
out of the pictures...

They knocked the sky-blue plastic
Motherof God off the fridge,

the holy water's splashed all
overthe place,

they trampled the tile in the bathroom.

They raped all the women they could fit
here on the sofa bed.

This is where they set up
theirgeneral staff,

their Ministry of PosteriorAffairs.

When I get up in the morning, look out
the balcony, you know what I see?

The world dying, falling apart.

Hey, look who's up...

Good morning.

You know what...
You want something to eat? Hungry?

You know what, young man?
The world is on the edge of a precipice.

The Americanization of the economy.

All this pollution, PVC tile,
this fallout and acid rain.

I'm telling you that we as a people
are done. Plain and simple.

Plus you two have to smoke.

Dad...

Put it there...

Mom, my smoking is a claim of protest
against the West.

Anyway, I already said all this to Magda
while we were having a friendly chat...

...about how when I get to America,
I'm going to smoke cigarettes

right there on the street...

...even though it's considered rude,
and the entire West

is moving away from it.

What the fuck is that?

I bought it off the Russkies.
Today's a festival.

A Day without Russkies? Is that today?

There is something else...

What?

Your dog's dead...

What's that supposed to mean?

Bitchy is lying there at the garage
and is dead from hunger.

Bitchy... Here, look...
Oh, I brought you a hot dog.

Come on, eat it.

Yum yum yum...
This is the thanks I get!

Fuck. Bitchy, get up!

Chill out, Yobbo.
I know you really loved Bitchy.

But now she's dead.

Death walks with us, arm in arm.

But wait a minute, hold on...
Hey there, miss: Get out of here!

It leaves pain and suffering...
But the wounds heal.

The Russkies.
The Russkies poisoned my dog.

They kidnapped my brother,
raped my mom, poisoned my dog.

No... The time has come to take
matters into my own hands

and break up this whole
Russki vaudeville act!

No, stop it. Turn that off...

Fuck!

Aggression always comes back to you.

Okay...

It's time for a ceremony...

Well? Look. What do you think?

...that Bitchy doesn't end up
where we're going, Yobby.

Which is to the very middle of Hell,
to the very bottom...

Well, I don't know...

Neither do I. What the priest wants,
the priest gets.

God's turning over in his grave
while seeing all this.

You're such a big-head...

Listen...
Could you take the dog out?

Let go of me...

Hey... Yesterday you were more polite
toward me, more sensitive.

But if that's how it's going to be
- fine then.

We don't have to hold
each other's stupid hands.

Each of us is a separate,
independent, and free individual.

I want that to be clear between us.

I'm never going to give up my
friends, my hobbies, or my interests.

I want you to know that!

Damn, man, what pig
pigged you up so bad?

Acertain girl... Acertain perv.

Perv? What, is that her name?

Because that's what I'm asking you,
not about the type.

So... Do you oryourbro have some pot,
or something for the nose?

Because that's why I'm here.

Damn. This sado-masochistic-goth-bitch
did that to you?

Turn down your vocal, okay?

Did you dig her out of a grave?

Ormaybe she's one of those
battery-powered corpses?

Hey there, Boss!

I want to know yourname!

Yourname I want to know!!!

I'm Nata. Natasha. Natasha Blokus.

Angelica.

But you can just call me Angela.
Just Angela. Simply Angela.

Angela? Simply Angela?
Just Angela, right?

You have some cool
bracelets and studs there.

How much did they cost you?

Different amounts. Because it depends.
I got them on a class trip to Zakopane.

That's fucking awesome.

Oh shit...

Fuck, Yobbo... I see there was some
serious butchery going on here.

Who did you mess up like that,
you freak?

My dog just died!

In pain she perished and
stained everything in blood.

We've just buried her.

Don't fucking dick me around, Yobbo,

cause I don't give a shit
about your doggy breeding!

You better speak up,
where do you keep your Feta?!

Where did you stash the stuff!

You're so fucked in your brain

that you don't even know
where you stashed your own shit.

Anyway Magda told me
that you have some!

Fuck, Yobbo...
Where did you stash the shit!

Where the fuck
did you stash the shit?

Fuck... Yobbo, Magda told me
you had some... Fuck...

Where is it?

In a second I'm going to fuck all
your shit up, you fucking asshole!

Aha... here it is!!!

Fuck, man, I knew you had some.
I knew it...

Well, Yobbo... Things are going to end
badly for you today. You'll see...

You and your little goth-slut too!

Fuck!

You want to know why?
You know why?

Because I'm fucking pissed
that today there's no powder

in the whole town.

Because of No Russkies Day
everything downtown has to be peaches,

with a bow around city hall
and fireworks up the mayor's ass.

Get the fuck out of my sight.

And give me a cigarette.
Give me two.

Just give me whatever you have.

You know, you should try to keep
yournegative emotions under control.

Yobbo, how much did you pay for her?

Because she must have been
marked down for some sale.

Yobbo... Oh, Yobbo...

Let's cut the crap, okay?

Come here... Come on...

Snuggle up here...

Come on hug me...

Where the fuck you think
you're going with that tongue?

Fuck... Now, tell me where
you've hidden the goods.

Because it'll be overin a second,
in a second I'll pick up the phone

and call the Russkies.

Since you don't know, I'll have them come
and give the place a good going-over.

The Bird Milkies. It's in the
box of Bird Milkies. Fuck...

Zdzislaw Sztorm. Sand Factory.

You know him?

Personally?

No. But this Angela here,
seems she knows him.

I bet he has cash.
He's a big fish.

Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.

Maybe he's working on credit cards...

We're going to his place right now.

We'll get in on his
acquaintance with this Angela.

She'll do her hocus-pocus,

and we'll fuck him over
for some awesome bank,

and then No Russkies Day is ours.
Grilling stands...

We'll buy up whatever there is.

Fine. As you wish.

Fuck...

Hey... Damn!

Chill... When she'll collect herself
we can make some good bank off her.

"We"? What "we"?

So what kind of music do you listen to?

Alittle of everything.

Sometimes the fast kind,
but sometimes slow.

Of the fast kind, what do you like most?

Most of all I like music clips.

I just prefer when guys sing.
Hip hop, songs in English about terror,

saying we're living in the ghetto,
you know.

Yeah... I like that stuff, too.

So what kind of books do you
like to read? Or newspapers?

Abit of, you know, adventure stuff...

Conan the Destroyer, Conan the Barbarian,
Conan Alone in the Big City.

I like posters. Jokes. Anecdotes.
TV. Teletext.

Yeah... That's just the same as me.

And do you like to diet?

Zdzislaw Sztorm you know him!?!

Sztorm? Sure.

That is, I don't,
but I could if I wanted to.

- Yobbo, didn't you tell her?
- No, I didn't.

So listen up.
There is this project...

We cruise overto Sztorm's
and come on to him,

And tell him we're from the organization
for ecological activation,

and would he give us some cash

to keep Polish animals from being
annihilated by the Russkies.

Then he says he won't give us anything,

he's in debt, business
is not going well, recession,

unemployment, the papers are on him.
Then I say: I have to go take a piss...

And here's where you come in,

here's your part in the program.

Real smooth, you lean over,
you slide your tongue out.

You recite a poem about animals.

It doesn't have to be especially
romantic or anything...

The main thing is that
it has to be from memory.

Then he strips you down and
does you, and the cash is ours.

Where did you hear about
Organization for Ecological Activation?

I read it in the teletext.

I don't know if you know, but I'm
a member of that organization.

We're fighting for animal
emancipation and liberation,

for their own voice in the matter.

Speaking about the poem,
I'll dedicate it "To Robert."

An epitaph for a withered man:

"Your listless hands keep
silent in your pockets.

If you want to know,
there was never an us.

If you want to know,
there is still no us.

This is the moment of
silence honoring us.

And even if we are making love,
it's only by ourselves.

You're so egoistic
that you do only yourself.

Great...

If I had that kind of talent,

I'd write that, too.

Exactly. Identical to your poem.

Only addressed differently.

To Lolo. By Natasha Blokus.

I hate you, you meat-beating deviant.
I won't be with you.

Good... Down to business.

What do you think, Yobbo?

To my taste it's good...
It's good.

You might emphasize
that it's to Robert.

That might get Sztorm going
on the issue of ecology,

because that's his son.

That's great!

- Let's go.
- But where are we going?

Hold it! Where are you going?
You're not going anywhere.

- Why not?
- You're staying home.

Angela's with me, and you're
staying home. You've had your share.

Get yourself together,
clean off those intestines

so that you look like
a decent human being,

and at the festival you can score
yourself some decent, unmenstruating ass

that'll earn you some speed.
We're out of here.

That's it, goodbye, and see you later.

You want a fag?

If you get me a large cola and fries,

I'll tell you something
I know 100% for sure.

I could get the same thing
for a small cola at most.

The winner of today's Miss contest
at 18hrs is going to be Magda!

So what?

She's going to win the contest cause she
gave it up to one of the organizers.

Sztorm.
But it was worth it, right?

When she wins she's supposed to get
a mountain bike and a tiara and all other stuff.

But Yobbo, listen to the best part...
Magda's going away.

She's flying off for warmer climes.

This organizer wants to take her away
to the Reich. And maybe me, too...

As we're not going to see
each other again, Yobbo,

for once you could be fair
at the very end:

A soda and fries, now,
because I have the munchies.

- I have one question for you besides.
- Shoot.

Will you tell me what really
happened between you and Magda?

I II tell you shit.

I know all about it anyway,
so you don't have to

tell me anything at all,
because I already know.

You could still have changed
everything, put everything right,

when you were at the sea
and Magda wanted to be with you.

She confessed everything to me.

But you were jealous,
and in the morning,

waking up in that apartment
where you'd tricked her into going,

she told herself deep down
that she can't be with you.

So she walked.
And that was your merit, Yobbo.

Watch where the fuck you're going.

Maslowska... Maslowska.

This time stick to the subject.
Agreed?

Magda!

Magda!

This is for you, of course,
you lovely ladies and gentlemen.

Magda!

- Magda!
- Cool it down my friend.

I have to talk with my girlfriend.

In just a moment, the prettiest girls
from our region in their swimsuits...

Magda!

Shut up!

What the fuck, is this
a festival for Russkies?

For what fucking Russkies?

You get a VIP, you get
her chatting, dickhead.

Applause for our chairman,
Zdzislaw Sztorm,

the main sponsor of today's events.

Kacper!

Kacper!

Come a little closer, girls...
Don't be shy.

Yo, Yobby, what's up?

Here we have Contestant #1.

Where did you get that?

It was scattered around here and there.
You know how it is.

Cool, give me that, cause
I have to talk to Magda.

Alovely dream, isn't it?

With Magda? But you're not
together anymore.

Let's meet the next contestant.

Contestant #2.
Please introduce yourself.

Come on...

- Fucking give it to me...
- Moment...

I'd like to go abroad.
To France and Paris.

To both places. Bravo.

And Contestant #3.

- Magda.
- Magda. What's your dream?

Ala.

She's a volunteer.
She studies economics.

No. I'm finishing a secretarial
course in German.

When I finish the course
I'll be able to work anywhere,

like in an office,
or as a receptionist.

Hey, come with us.

We'll have some beers
and talk about Magda.

No, Kacper, no way.

If it's going to be like that
I'm going home.

Cola, then.

And now, the Disco-Polo troupe
Focus, from Bialystok!

Pardon me. I have to use
the bathroom.

She's hopeless.

I've been with her two days,
and she's already telling me

to come to her house
for lunch with her parents.

Theres no doing her. Forget it.
I've already been working on that.

I'll give a trunk load of speed
to the guy who screws her first.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Before that pro-family cunt
comes back, I have to let this out:

Fuck, fuck, motherfucking cock-sucking
son of an eat-fucking-shit-and-die

you motherfucking asshole.

Magda's telling everybody that
it's over between you two. Fuck...

Magda's telling everybody that
it's overbetween you two.

I'm sorry. You're talking about Magda?

I have a friend named Magda,
she's in my class.

Her name is Magda Stencel.

No, we were actually talking about
a different Magda.

You know, Kacper, I get the feeling
you're not eating well, you know?

Because you're so nervous.

You're really always
a bundle of nerves.

I'll be right back.
Talk amongst yourselves.

Listen, Andrzej.

I'd like you to tell me one thing.

But honestly, as a friend.

Even the worst truth.

Because for me even the worst truth
is better than the prettiest lie.

Does Kacper do drugs?

No.

That's good, because I do not
tolerate that swamp.

They say it destroys your mind,
kills your brain cells,

and then people are totally sick,
physically and mentally wasted.

You see, Ala... Is it okay
if I call you that-Ala?

Yes.

It's hard for me to say this,
but I have to be honest

with a girl such as yourself.

Kacperis a common criminal,

that is, he's a rapist.

You really are tasteless.

Look, you can laugh if you want, Ala...

I'm only telling you honestly
what I know.

Alot of women are crying
because of him...

Forgive the expression,
but he's a common pervert.

You're just joking, Andrzej...
You're making fun of me...

He's not worthy of you, Ala.
He's not...

- Are yourfolks home?
- No. My parents went to the church fair,

and then they're staying
at my aunt and uncle's.

It's a crazy-interesting magazine,
you know?

Really up to snuff.

It has interesting articles,
interviews, crosswords.

It's ostensibly a women's journal,
but in my opinion...

Men can find a lot of interesting
things for themselves.

They've printed a very cool
and engaging article.

The author's name is Dorota Maslowska,
and she's sixteen years old.

Despite the age difference, I think
that we could become friends.

At such a young age, she creates,

writes, has artistic talent.

Because even though I think

she's a little lost
in the contemporary world,

if she were to meet me,
and if we were to like each other,

she'd have a chance
for a better life,

and all her feelings and problems
would simply become easier!

Because you know, Andrzej...

Whatever you think of me, Andrzej,

I wasn't always the way I am now.

I used to fight with my mom, too.
I wanted to be somebody else.

I even thought about
chopping off my hair,

about totally changing
my personality.

But fortunately my mom always
stuck by me, like a friend.

She was strict sometimes,
like a mother should be,

but I think it did me good.

- Are they both named Ala, too?
- Of course not!

You don't give animals people names.

Animals have no souls.

What do you think about politics?

About this whole war between
the Poles and the Russkies?

What are your thoughts on the matter?

My dad, who's very prudent,

and thanks to that under the Commies,

we always had a big selection
of different meats.

And he says:

That one shouldn't have
any binding opinions.

So Andrzej, if someone asks you:
Who do you support,

I'm telling you:

Refrain from
any ostentatious opinion.

Because you can lose.

So what do you study, Andrzej?

Business and administration!

Holy cow! I was supposed
to study that, too...

My parents chose that track for me
way back in elementary school,

but I didn't get in because
there weren't any spots open.

But my mom says that it wasn't that
there weren't any spots open,

but that I didn't get in
because of the corruption,

the cronyism and the incompetence
of the ruling elites,

and the generally bad
situation in the country.

Fuckin' shit.
This ain't my game.

You have a bathroom here?

Sure. To the right,
straight down the hall.

- I'm going back to the festival.
- Oh no, do you have to go already?

Let me show you pictures
from my sister's wedding, okay?

It was a really lovely wedding, with
really good food and in general. Wait...

Calm down, little fuckers...

Alittle bit of urine from a normal
person will do you better

than a hectoliter of mentally
ill water from Mother Superior.

What are you clinging to me
like that for? Fag...

What are you on, what?
It must have been wicked stuff.

It's because of the news about Magda,
you were taking a bus to the other world?

Good thing I was going the same way,
because you'd be in deeper shit,

you were already in such a state
that three random passengers

and one lady had to help me.

You got fucking drool all over
my sleeve and my cell phone.

And in the end I invested
a whole speed on your gums,

and even then you bust my balls
about some gay inclinations?

Like, what kind of news about Magda?

You didn't hear? Magda didn't win
the Miss contest.

How she didn't when she had to.

She had to, she had to
but she didn't.

The shady manager-type
screwed her over.

He had debts to some
Sztorm guy.

And... Natasha won!

There was also some metal-head
cunt with them

and she got the title
for Miss Audience Choice,

but for 100% no normal guy would
screw her while sober.

I have to drink something.

So then fucking drink, don't talk.

I'm not drinking from a puddle.

Fuck. Come on.

Large colas.

What the fuck?! Pour that cola
and make it snappy.

Yobby is fucking thirsty,
and if you don't,

I'll go there and help you out,
but you wouldn't want that.

The truth is that from each cola

they're charging for
herlabor and courtesy.

It can't fucking be that just now
she has her period, makes faces, sulks,

and makes feminist
cola-pouring for a half-hour...

Give me that cola!

Whore of Babylon...
Give me the cola!

Fourzloties, twen... forty groszy.

- Four zloties, forty groszy.
- Osama's going to fuck you up anyway.

Osama's going to fuck you up
for sucking all those Eurococks.

Give me that! Come on,
give it to me, bitch!

Come on, come on. Give it to me!

I always wanted this sort of shit
for my First Communion!

And now dig up another one
of these devices for Yobbo here.

What the fuck you looking at?

Come on, bitch... chop-chop.
Only one that works!

One, two...
Here you go. Please...

Full gratis, Babylon's treat,
promotion from the U.S.A. Occasion!

And you, for fuck's sake,
go have more sex.

And take off that apron.
Because you look damn awful.

Like you're sick.

Cool, huh?

Fucking awesome.

Go overthere...

You go over to the other side of
the street, and I'll stay here...

...and we'll chat.

Hello. Hello.
This is base. Over.

What's the password?
What's the password? Over.

Birds... fly in flocks.

Error. Error. Incorrect password.

What did you say?

This is an incorrect password.

What do you mean incorrect?
What's wrong with it?

You just gave the wrong
password thats all.

What's that, in frocks?

You crazy?

So what the fuck's
your password, then?

Let's have it! What's your
motherfucking password?

It's... different!

Different!

Eitheryou know how to play
or you don't,

either you know the password
or you don't, and if not,

then you'd betternot start.

This is fucking base.
Reporting the password:

Yobbo gives Moscow head.

Yobby gives Moscow head.

Over.

Lines are cut.
Situation of alert.

Lefty's a fag,

a gay, and a eunuch.

Transmission cancelled.

Yobbo is a prick!!!

And his mom takes her panties off
for the Russkies.

Over. Over.

Arka Gdynia F.C.
Sucks balls!

- What the fuck?
- So what the fuck?

- So what the fuck?
- So what the fuck?

Good evening.

Holy fuck...

Please...

Thank you, Satan, my beloved lord.

Nothing's gonna change it now

I'm the most beautiful in the land.

Welcome, and may the black suns
shine... forever.

Let's put the bald one in Room 22.
Have Maslowska write up his statement.

Avery good idea. I like it.

I'll take the clean-shaven one.

Take his statement, Maslowska.

Then take it over to the Chief
with some coffee and cake.

Fine...

Here...

Wazz up? How's it going?

Last name.

Wormski.

First name.

Andrzej. Nice to meet you.

- What's yours?
- I'm Dorota.

Some awesome name...

Your mother's maiden name.

You choose that name for yourself?

Yes by myself and some nice folks
also helped me out with it.

Give me your mom's maiden name,
cause I have to put it down here.

I'm having a hard time remembering it...
I'm pretty sure I had a mother...

But when it was? How?

Try lzabela Wormska n e Maciak.

You say it, and I'll pretend
I didn't know. I'll be typing it here.

Her name... Just a minute...

Just say it, and I'll pretend
I didn't know. I'll type it out. Okay...

Izabela Wormska n e Maciak.

You can't even remember three
words Yobbo, you dumfuck.

Hold on. How do you know my nick?

They said it on the closed-circuit TV.

Really? And besides that you're ok?

You come from a decent family, etc...
Everyone's in good health?

Absolutely.

Show me that!

Lzabela Wormski n e Ma...
Yobbo starts to look around suspiciously.

Maslowska stares at her keyboard.

What the fuck's this?
You trying your hand at poetry?

What's going on here?
You have more of this?

Lots more.

Natasha strangles him...

So, you got the stuff
in the Bird Milkies!

He picks her up under the armpits
and drags her to the TV room.

Yobbo reaches into his pocket and pulls
out a baggie with the rest of the crank.

The crank's is white...
Robert...

Robert Sztorm?

You fucking bitch!

That's heavy. You can't lift it,
because you might start sweating,

you could slip a disk,
or you might start

pissing uncontrollably
and soil yourself.

So just leave it here.

And put down your arms.
One... Two...

Or... raise them.

And close your eyes.

Sit down.

- And...
- Help! Torture!!!

Calm down.

Put your hands down.
Chill...

There's a lot in the world going on,
but amazingly there're just

as many things in the world
that are not going on.

For example, this place here
- isn't here.

This place isn't here. It's not.
For example, look.

Please knock over here!

Maslowska, finally write that
prick up and get it to the Chief.

Get out.

Sorry.

You see, this place isn't really here.

Take these walls, for instance.

There isn't even any reinforced
concrete or brick.

They're old newspapers
pressed together.

It's all makeshift, Yobbo,
none of this is...

So if something's going to exist
under these circumstances,

I have to type it out
on that typewriter.

Okay... Well, okay...

Sure, I understand everything.

I get it.

You're not here, I'm not here,
we're not here.

I've heard this somewhere before.

And I think it's great...
Only I'm getting the fuck out of here.

I didn't come here for
psychiatric electroshock,

but to give an honest
authentic statement.

Either my statement or it's over.
I'm not joining the cult,

I have enough things to keep me
busy in my free time.

Ok, there's nothing to talk about.
You're free to go.

Just don't catch a cold,
and don't trip, and watch your head,

and drop by sometime to play checkers.
I'm crazy for checkers.

Sure. All the best in your
new path in life.

I hope you get some new,
decked-out letters for your typewriter,

letters that no one's
even heard of before.

What should I wish myself,

cause from the movie it seems
that I'm writing a book about it.

So write... Write, write,
write, write...

Make it a memoir.
Call it, I Was Fucked in the Head!

Styrofoam! Fiberglass
insulation, right!?

Cardboard?

So the whole town is made of
this stuff!?!

Oh here we go!

Here are the elephants that walked
through me and destroyed my heart.

No! They're fleas! Fleas!

And me? I'm a dog.

I was like a circus dog

that gets nothing but more
whipcracks in the face,

not even a "thank you",
nor a "fuck off."

I'm a circus dog with no spark.

Because there is no more fire.
It's burnt out...

Oh... here we go...

Now all I want to do, is die.

And at the last moment,

when I'm about to die,
I want to see Magda...

Magda...

As she's leaning over me...

Magda saying to me: Don't die...

Don't die, Yobbo...

Hey, Yobbo...

Hey, Yobbo, don't die...

Keep on living.

It's me, Magda...

Well, I know...
I know it was all my fault,

but now I'll be all yours,
just don't die...

Come on, isn't the whole
point to have a good time?

And that was all
just a big joke...

I wasn't really with anybody else,

not with Lefty,
or with that manager guy.

I was just joking to make
you angry, you idiot!

But now everything's going
to be alright.

I have an appointment
at the solarium today,

I don't have time now
for threats.

Yobbo, you moron!

Yobbo, it's me, it's Magda,
Magda... Magda... It's me...

Yobbo don't be so stupid...

they want to grow themselves
a rhododendron out of you for the hall.

Here, Yobbo... Look.
I'll turn on a radio program for you.

Listen, you'll feel better right away?

I'll leave it here.
And you can read the paper...

Motorcycles. Your favorite.
Just don't die.

If you can just don't die,
if you want things to be good between us.

Attention!

Helo, I'm the director's assistant.
Come in...

Hello.

Make-up, costume, picture...

Good... I have today's lines...

Please follow me to your
dressing room...

Good morning

Hello...

Here's your suit.
Please put it on right away.

Is everything alright?

The television is...

Could I have a glass of water?

Thank you.

The remote... It's gone...
Where's the remote?

Fucking hell...
Could I get a remote!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Here's the remote.

For many Ukrainians Poland seems
like a paradise where

they come for a better life.

Welcome, everyone,
to a new episode of Devil TV.

Today I have the pleasure of
welcoming our very special guest,

Andrzej "Yobbo" Wormski.

Andrzej, weren't you just
a little afraid?

Well, um... Sure,
I was a little scared.

- He was scared.
- Yes. I admit it.

And who wouldn't be scared?
Who wouldn't be?

You know, it's a strange
neighborhood down there,

it's almost completely burnt out.

Try going there yourself, not knowing
anybody there, not having any contacts,

it's like the first dog
you run into will piss on you.

It's one of those projects where
you don't go out after 4 pm.

Thank you.

So it was like this.
I heard these noises,

and all of a sudden,
all the lights went out,

and it got dark,

and the sun was frozen

like it was covered in duct tape.

I was like fuck, what a trip...

That's what I was thinking
to myself, right?

Because you don't know
if it's you who's standing,

orif it's the air
that's thickerin that place

Mr. Andrzej...

This is all really lovely, just beautiful.
Yourpoems, yourmemoirs...

It's all relevant,
but what were you feeling?

Well, that's hard to say...

The Knights of the Cross!

Fire!
Alot of fire!

Alot of fire!

This scar here on my forehead.
Here...

That was Satan... Satan slamed me
across the face with his staff!

Andrzej, please tell us...
Was there really fire?

I'm just telling you what
there is, what I learned

from cartoons and Sunday School.

I know you all had her,
and now you can all have heragain.

And you're first, Lefty,
because you must have

the very best things in life.

And Magda's the best,
cause she's got a golden heart.

And Magda's the best,
cause she's got a golden heart.

Because that's Magda! Understand?

What happened?

I have a cramp.

That's from the speed...
Too much speed, my dear.

Fuck, Yobbo, don't get me off
the fucking topic.

I have a cramp in my calf.

I took a test, and it just might be,
it's possible, that I'm pregnant.

But I don't know for sure.
That's why I chickened out.

That's why I didn't want
to be with you anymore,

because I was afraid you'd be mad.

Tell me when I've ever been mad at you
for more than a day?

When?

And if you have a kid...
Maybe it's even my kid...

We have to go to the doctor and check.

I'm waiting and I'm calm,

though it makes me want to blow
the shit out of the hospital.

Because of that orthopederast and
the other pervs who work here.

Since as far as my opinion's concerned,
I'm pretty much on the leftwing.

I don't agree with taxes,
and support the state without taxes.

So what did that ortho-pederast
say to you?

He said you'd better
take me to the sea.

How do you want to go to the sea
with that gangrene?

The usual, Polish way.

But... It's too late anyway.

Are you a total moron?
You think they're going to close

the sea if you show up late?

I have nothing more
to say on the subject.

This is actually the best time to go.

Cause I want to go there only with you.

Cause this feeling I have in me,
it's for you.

I'm going...

- Oh yeah?
- I'm getting out of here.

Yeah? Where to?

To better countries.
At least, someplace warmer.

I'm leaving for a place where
they have all these outfits, cosmetics

creams made from cucumbers,
from everything.

That's the only place I want to be
and ifhe wants to be with her.

It's the only place she wants to live.

They have all kinds of gels
for under the eyes,

bath salts, solarium and
Jacuzzis for 2800 Euro.

Fuck, you know how things
really are in our country?

Do you, or don't you?

Have you heard of the general
oppression of ruling race

on the working race?

Of the race of the "haves" oppressing
the race of the "have-nots?"

And these are the same relations
as in slavery. You follow?

The West stinks and has a polluted
environment that litters

everything with various
unnatural compounds, PVC, FTP.

Developed countries are ruled
by Jew-killers, prole-killers,

murderers who maintain themselves
and their illegitimate children

by selling people corporate shit
in corporate wrapping.

- Hey, why didn't you tell me?
- What?

Why didn't you tell me
I looked so... fat?

I'm totally bloated.

Whatever came out of my hands
went into my face.

All the meat, all the fat...

Oh, mother-ass-fucker.
I look like a hog, a boar.

Twice as much eye, twice as much mouth.

This is perfectly good sand...

Fuck, man, what an economic waste.

Please! We have no fucking economic
sense in this country.

Perfectly good shopping bags
are just tossed aside,

left on the ground to rot...

They have everything they need,
Polish export sand,

but they're going to go, abroad.
To Germany!

All this has to be for export...

And what? Us Poles send for
the Bundeswehr? For brothels, even!

We have to put it all on the farmers,
build a network of chutes

in the apartment blocks,
so that they could send their...

This is genius!

And they don't know
that all this is, is...

It's genius!

Please! Don't say, don't say anything.

What a fuck is that?

Oh, hi...

This is my psycho-physically
handicapped brother.

How are you doing? Ha?

- Magda...
- Yeah?

You know, he doesn't even
look like you.

Well... Such is life, right?

Look, he wrote something over here.

That's just how the mental cases
with Down's write.

Get overhere, skank.

Don't be afraid.
I'm not going to fuck you up.

I can't, I'm busy right now.

Are you out of your mind?

He's completely undeveloped.

So I see. He can't tell
the difference between white and red.

Gentlemen, here's the deal.
This is my woman, get it?

Ja.

She's so wrecked on speed that
there's nothing left of her for you.

Now I'm taking her back,
this slut!

So she will pay for all her bullshit.

Yobbo!

Say hi to your brother!

And who the fuck are you?
What the fuck you know about him?

You know how it ends for those
who deal with the Russkies, right?!

So here's the first question:
Who were they?

And how should I know?

Let go of me, you jerk!

I don't know.
They were on the fucking beach!

And now the second question:

What happened to that gangrene
on your leg? What happened to it?

What do you think happened to it?

Like I'm supposed to go around
my whole life as an invalid,

a cripple, a paralytic?

Oh, you'd just love that,
I know you would.

But that's not how it's going to be.

You know what I say to you, Magda?
That you're mental.

Aparalytic, yes,
only mentally and emotionally.

But those two, those two wanted
to kill you like a dog!

They would have killed me, too,
if I hadn't told them

you were messed up mentally.

They would have fucked you up.

They had all kinds of weapons,
they had guns.

They showed me everything
undertheirjackets.

I had to, I had to tell them
that you were my brother,

and that you have shit for brains.
Because I had to save us somehow.

Fine. So where's that cramp?

You have that cramp in your calf,
or don't you?

Whether I have it or I don't,
that's no longer your business!

Because I'm out of here.
I'm fucking gone!

Those kinds of assholes,
who don't have a speck of culture

they never meant anything to me.

I never had feelings for them.

I'm interested in culture and art,
true love for all time,

the kind of love that can happen
between two people of the opposite sex.

And I don't give a shit
about your lesbian fascination.

Because you're always telling me
how lesbians turn you on.

I'll tell you something, Yobbo.

You're just a common perv
like all the others,

and you're only interested
in one thing,

and in a typically perverted manner.

Which you know doesn't interest me,
it grosses me out.

I'll tell you something, Yobbo.

I can say it
straight to your face, and I will.

I hate you.

I hate you! Because you're simple,
you're shallow.

- What did you say!?!
- That I hate you!

I'll murderyou!

No more mercy!

I've had it up to here with
yourliberated fucking around!

With your guidebook on left feminism.

And now get ready for a quick death!

Get ready.
But first, oh...

Look how lovely the sea is tonight,

how beautiful it ripples,
now to the left, now to the right...

Because you know what I'm going to do
to you now? Do you?

What's with you, Yobbo? What are you
doing with that pocket knife?

I'm going to chop off your most
in fashion leg in this season,

which for you will be equal
to a quick death.

Did you swipe that pen knife
from yourmom's drawer, or what?

"Yobbo, remember me? We met in hell.
Will we meet again? Angela."

Okay! That's what I like!
That's what I understand!

Hey!

That's good! Good!

Yo, Magda! Magda, look!
Magda! Hey... Look.

Who were you talking to?

Who you were talking to, I'm asking?

What, was I talking to somebody?

Yes you were talking. What do you mean:
You weren't, when you were?

I heard it, so there are witnesses.

Yeah? My mom just called.

She said she's just pulling up to our crib
and you have to fuck off with all speed.

Cause if she sees you here,
she'll kill you like a dog.

Cause she thinks you're no good for me.

You know, Magda?

Cause she has principles.

She believes that a girl's virtue
is in her modesty,

and you don't possess any.
Even less than you do culture.

Your mom's a shithead, too.
Just like you. Just as mental.

Come on, get dressed.

You know what they're saying
in the neighborhood? Do you?

That your mom put Russki siding
on your house,

- and that this paneling, this siding...
- It's side-ing.

This siding... In the very near future,
it's going to peel off on you.

Because it's Russki siding!

And this siding's going to peel off
from a great height,

killing your whole family.

Think it over, ha?
Imagine, imagine that!

There's a grill, everything's cool,
spare ribs from the Hit Market...

Your mom is leaning over the grill
with a poker...

Come here, father!

Yourbro with a handy
set of seasonings.

And Yobbo! Yobbo!

Then... All of a sudden...

...let's light up...

You're all leaning over the grill,

looking at it like it's a revelation,
like at a solar eclipse.

And then yeeb, yeeb, yeeb!!!

The panels are flying straight on your
genetically twisted skulls.

One, on your brother!

For dealing, for his egotism,
for giving high fives to the Russkies.

Yeeb him in the head!

And your mother next!

For her gossip...

For the criminal prices
at the horrendous solarium.

Yeeb her in the head!

For all her evil...

For destroying our love!

Yeeb!

And the last panel is going to
fuck you up, Yobbo.

So that you'll know how I spit on you,

how I don't love you at all.

So that you'll know the truth about
yourself. That you're nobody.

You're the dirt undermy fingernail,
that I don't give a damn.

You didn't have to die, Yobbo!

Now I no longerknow where I stand.

If only there was some kindly person
who would tell me the fucking truth.

Am I alive?

If I am, cool.

If not... Sure it will hurt

but I'll deal with it.

But to go on like this, not knowing
what the fuck is going on here

I just can't take it any more.

I'm sorry.

And I wade further in,

what am I supposed
to tell the viewers, the truth?

To really disappoint them?

Do I have to tell them
that they packed me up in gray paper

and sent me priority to Rabka,
to some poorly organized summer camps?

Who's going to buy that?
Who'd pay me for that kind of story?

May be I should describe the walls
painted in gray oil and sand.

But instead I tell them about a blaze,
fire, and blood running from the tap...