Original subtitles

**

>>> you guys, he's being very

Annoying.

Shell, would you ever have sex

With me and lie to me

Immediately after?

>> no, sweetie.

I get all my lying done

Beforehand.

A few girls in detroit and think

They have sex in cleveland from

"Family guy."

>> I want danny to spend time

With my son.

He promised that he would, now

He's trying to pull out.

And guys pulling out, that's how

I ended up with a kid in the

First place.

>> fine, I'll do it.

But not fair.

You asked me in the middle of

Sex.

I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Fine, I'll take him to

Dave & busters.

>> hey, guys.

Quick announcement.

It's the new year and I wanted

To spice things up a little bit.

So I decided to dye my hair red,

And then I chickened out.

>> thank god.

Because red hair is the worst.

>> however, I did convince

Candace to do it.

Yeah.

>> I love it.

No, it's so good.

It's like a -- you know, nice

Warm bowl of tomato soup.

If I had a grilled cheese, I

Would just dunk it on your head.

>> don't.

>> like your whole head's on

Fire.

I love you, fire head.

Yeah.

All right.

Brett, I'm going to kill you.

>> what do you have against red

Hair?

>> yeah, I love red hair.

When you sleep with them, it's

Like putting a fire out with

Your penis.

>> look, the first time that my

Dad cheated on my mom, he was

Dressed as ronald mcdonald.

>> what?

>> it was a halloween party at

My house and I walked in on him

And my neighbor, mrs. Hector.

She was a rough-looking woman,

Bus driver, hair, gap-toothed,

Cigarettes, could match a

Muppet.

Anyway, you want to know who was

In my happy meal, you want to

Know what prize I grew up with?

Being raised by a single mom.

So I don't need red hair today.

I don't need that distraction,

Not today, please.

>> hey, man, why are you

Freaking out?

>> I'm not freaking out.

This isn't freaking out.

I'm being normal.

I just need everything to be

Perfect so I can surprise

Candace.

>> surprise me now.

>> what the hell?

Sweetie, remember when we first

Met?

Remember that song that was

Playing?

>> yeah, of course.

* you are my fire

* my one desire

* believe when I say I want it

That way *

* tell me why

* ain't nothing but a

Heartache *

* tell me why

* ain't nothing but a mistake

* tell me why

* I never want to hear you say

* I want it that way

* because I want it that way *

>> that's so awesome.

Why are the backstreet boys

Doing here?

>> they're right here.

You can talk to them.

>> we're in detroit doing a

Fund-raiser.

>> oh, really?

>> for who?

>> us.

>> good one, dangerous one in

The backstreet boys.

Hey, hey, hey --

>> stop, stop.

>> I cannot believe you guys are

Here.

When I was a kid I humped all of

Your posters.

>> really?

Which one of us was your

Favorite?

>> okay.

Don't make a fool of yourself.

>> hey.

>> these are my friends.

>> anyway.

>> yeah, good one.

Almost beard to beard.

Nice.

No, justin actually wrote us

This letter asking for this

Simple favor, so --

>> yeah, you're on, buddy.

>> don't blow it.

>> I won't.

Thank you.

>> are all the backstreet boys

Taking a poo together?

>> candace, I believe that when

You meet the person that you're

Supposed to spend the rest of

Your life with, you shouldn't

Wait around.

You should just know it and go

For it.

So with that said --

>> wholly crapballs.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

>> I love you.

And you're the most beautiful

Person I've ever met even with

Ridiculous red hair.

Candace, will you marry me?

>> yes.

**

**

* hey

* we're back again

* going to bring the flavor

* show you how *

* you're original

* yeah yeah

* am I the only one

* yeah

* am I sexual

* yeah

* rock your body now

* everybody

* yeah

* rock your body

* yeah

* everybody

* rock your body right

* backstreet back

All right **

>> engaged!

Okay.

So you know how my calls us

Jay-z and beyonce because I've

Got great moves and now that I'm

Engaged I can do this one.

Like that.

And then you like do all those

Sick rap rimes.

>> all the times.

I love rhymes.

Is it a crime to understand why

When I climb the mountain you

Want to see why.

Because I love you so much that,

Mm, you're mine.

>> hey, sell the bar.

Let's take it on the road.

Anyway, so now that we're

Engaged she's calling us jay-z

And fiance.

>> ha.

>> that's not really all that

Funny, is it?

>> no.

>> danny's back.

Bye.

Hey.

>> danny?

Why do you have a child on your

Head?

>> good.

He's still there.

This is will.

Charlotte's kid.

>> oh.

Hey, big guy.

>> yeah, he doesn't really talk

That much.

It's made bonding awesome.

>> so what does he like?

>> well, I kind of just gathered

That so far he likes sitting on

People's shoulders and sneezing

On the top of my head so --

>> okay.

Well, I'm going to go.

Will, it was really nice to meet

You.

Can I get a high five?

No?

Okay.

>> atta-boy.

>> should we go show off this?

My ring says yes, so here we go.

>> I can't believe you didn't

Tell me about proposing.

>> would you give me a break?

I didn't tell anyone.

>> you told backstreet boys.

You didn't tell me, and I'm your

Emotional guidance counselor.

You know?

It's like I'm your sensei.

>> I don't speak japanese and

Neither do you.

[ gibberish ]

Anyway, see, this is the kind of

Thing that we need to change.

Our back and forth.

Because you're engaged and we

May only we living together for

Seven or eight or nine or ten,

11 years.

>> who's engaged for 11 years?

>> turtles.

Okay.

Yeah.

>> didn't know 7-year-olds can

Improv like that.

>> actually, candace has her

House, we thought it might be

Romantic if I moved in on

Valentine's day.

>> that's in two weeks.

Give me the sandwich, will, give

It to me.

Hold my beer.

I need to gesture like an old

Italian lady.

>> what are you talking about?

Is there something you're not

Telling me?

Are you pregnant?

Did candace put a baby inside of

You.

>> morning sickness, stretch

Marks, I want it all.

That's a little weird for you to

Hear.

Especially you.

Look, I get it.

You feel like I'm breaking up

The best on-screen duo since

Will and grace.

I just want to make sure that

You're not bummed out.

>> no, I'm not bummed.

I'm totally cool.

Hey, whose twitter handle is

Cool danny?

Not mine, not mine.

You know why?

I'm too cool for that.

Nah.

That sucks.

>> danny?

>> yes, my sweet little will?

>> don't be a bitch.

**

>>> now, I couldn't wait to

Dance at your wedding.

You know when I was younger, I

Almost got engaged but her

Brother talked me out of it.

>> what did he say?

>> he said, brett, you have a

Beautiful penis, and dip.

>> woo.

Wait, help me out.

What should I do for my wedding?

I don't even know where to

Begin.

Charlotte, what did you do for

Your wedding?

Was it like a fairy tale?

>> in I wedding was exactly like

A fairy tale.

Once upon a time there was a

Princess with low self-esteem

And terrible taste in men.

She went to las vegas and ate

Some magic beans.

Then she married an evil ogre

Named mark.

Mark put a baby in her and

Ruined her credit.

12 weeks later a wizard named

Jeff the divorce attorney

Annulled her mistake.

The end.

>> okay.

I'm so sorry.

But just so you guys know,

You're all going to be in my

Wedding party, except for you,

Charlotte.

I'm sorry, I just met you.

>> that's fine.

I'll come to the next one.

>> oh, wait.

I'm assuming you want to be each

Other's plus one since you're,

You know --

>> no, no.

Stop.

No cute winks.

Come on, guys, we went on one

Date.

I know how much you guys like to

Gossip about everything, but we

Don't want to talk about this at

All.

As far as you're concerned,

We're not even dating.

>> is that how you feel?

>> I was instruct to foal that

Way, yeah.

>> so perfect.

I can't believe it.

I mean, yeah, sometimes I do

Think about a different ring.

>> is that because the diamond's

Justin got you so tiny and

Ridiculous?

>> no, I love it.

>> oh, me, too.

It's like perfect.

>> no.

It's just because I kind of wish

I had my grandmother's ring.

>> what happened to it?

>> my ex-boyfriend pawned it to

Buy protein powder.

Yeah.

No, I love my grandma.

And it's really all that I have

Left of her.

>> oh, I know what this is.

You're trying to manipulate me

To go get that ring back by

Using your sad face, but I'm

Sorry, sweetie, it isn't going

To work on me.

I'm not buying it.

No.

We're going to get you that ring

Back.

>> such a jerk.

From now on, nobody named danny

Allowed in the bar.

>> my name's danny.

>> oh.

I'm sorry, man.

I was talking about my roommate.

But get the hell out of here,

Danny.

That's right.

Fist that beer, you drunk.

One season and let it go.

>> what's wrong with her?

>> well, danny was being so mean

To him this morning, I can still

Totally picture it.

So, it all started when justin,

He woke up.

He was in a great mood.

He was like, man, I love being

In love, man.

I just love it.

Makes me want to do the moon

Walk.

I can do the moon walk.

I can get jiggy with it.

I could spin, I could jump, I

Could dance for days and days,

But I'm not.

I'm going to stand completely

Still.

Completely still.

Still like a stone.

Like a stone.

And then danny, we pan over to

Danny and danny was all like

Grr.

Love is stupid.

He's getting married.

Getting married, that's all like

A dumb mistake.

I would never do that.

And I get to be mean to you for

Just no reason because I'm a big

Baby.

I'm a big baby.

My hair's too long to be a baby,

But I act like a baby anyways.

You know, us babies go wah, wah,

Wah.

But me I think I'm so cool even

Though I'm just a big jerk.

And you know what that big jerk,

He went over and he slapped

Justin in the face.

And you justin did?

Justin spit on him.

And danny, he was so mean, he

Was like, hey, justin, you give

Me your sweater.

You give me your sweater, and

I'm going to do a high kick.

I'm going to do a high kick.

A high kick, high kick.

High kick.

And that was it.

Yeah.

Like maybe I embellished a

Little bit but I feel like you

Guys got the gist.

>> unbelievable.

Move it.

Why is danny being so mean?

>> why can't you see what's

Going on?

Don't you remember the first

Time you met?

>> of course I do.

It was right there in that

Office.

>> oh, I remember it like it was

Yesterday.

* that's all I really want

* some fun

* don't you love me baby

* oh well girls

* they want to have fun

* oh girls they want to

Justin?

>> I didn't see you come in.

Yes, you must be danny.

>> killer pipes, man.

>> thank you.

I went to chorale camp every

Summer as a kid.

And I was the first male annie.

>> we are a real live couple you

And me.

I bet that we're going to end up

Arguing and apologizing to each

Other over and over again every

Week.

>> my flashback.

I like to let the boys speak for

Themselves.

>> yep.

Feels like it was just

Yesterday, you know?

What a crazy, crazy, wild time.

But you know the story.

What does that have to do with

Anything?

>> the reason he needed a new

Roommate is because his old

Roommate got married and left.

And they were never really

Friends ever again.

>> yeah.

And now it's happening to danny

All over.

Okay.

You're a mess.

The poor guy, he feels

Abandoned, dude.

>> well, I guess I have to make

This -- oh, sorry.

>> you know what?

Enough monkeying around.

I got to make this right.

Good luck kiss.

>> now, you get out there and

You get 'em, soldier.

**

>> of course trent works here.

>> you see all this for free.

Now people got to pay me a buck

For it.

Bam.

>> I never thought I'd say this,

But I hate strip clubs now.

>> hey, chris.

>> he's looking at me.

>> just tell us where you pawned

Candace's grandmother's ring.

>> oh, the ring?

News flash.

I never pawned it.

>> you turned it into a tongue

Stud?

>> oh, my god, it's perfect.

>> all right.

You're going to give that

Diamond back.

>> ok.

As matthew mcconaughey would

Never say, all wrong, all wrong,

All wrong.

Trent says no.

>> trent smells so good.

>> okay.

I got this.

I got this.

Come on, you heard the lady.

The diamond belongs to candace.

What are you going to do about

It, governor?

>> well.

I think that speaks for itself.

There you go, sir.

>> sorry, guys.

You're never getting this back.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to

Go show my capitalism.

Capitalism is what I call my

Dong now.

>> trent, you're on the main

Stage in five minutes.

Watch out.

Statue of david coming through.

Good god, look at that body.

>> camden?

>> what do we got here, a gay

Guy, woman and a black guy?

What do you call your group, a

Republican's nightmare?

Kevin, you nemesis.

I had to go and, I don't know,

Turn my life around.

>> oh, you ruined the thongs for

Me, too?

>> yeah, you guys can look, but

Unfortunately I'm the only one

Who is allowed to touch.

I'm actually joking.

There's an alley out back where

Anything goes.

Nobody's interested?

You guys can take the dollar

Bills back out!

**

>> where's leslie?

>> leslie is at a strip club

Looking at hot, naked men who

Are not you.

>> why?

Women are complicated, man.

>> oh, my -- there he is.

There's my bff, my big dog.

Okay.

Look, I get it.

All right?

You're sad that I'm moving out,

But I want you to know I'm not

Moving out of here.

All right?

For god's sakes, we're j-bone

And d-town.

There's always going to be a

Little j in you and a lot of d

In me.

>> well, we did it.

That's the worst conversation of

All time.

Look, don't even worry about it

Man.

I'm not even bummed out that

Your moving out.

>> that's so weird.

But your pants are on fire but

You're a liar, liar.

>> I spent all day dividing up

Our stuff.

Most of it was pretty obvious.

All the makeup was --

>> sunscreen!

Piss me off.

Look, just admit that you're

Sad.

>> why don't you get off my

Butt?

What am I, kanye west?

>> I don't know what that means.

But let me ask you a question.

Two weeks from now when you walk

Into that empty room and I'm not

There, what are you going to do?

>> I'm probably going to be

Doing a lot of this.

Because that's where I'm going

To put my new nordictrack.

>> okay.

We need to stop them from

Fighting.

>> yeah, for sure.

I agree.

Why don't you just call me when

You have that figured out.

>> wait.

I don't have your phone number.

>> yeah, I know.

>> I don't have anyone's number.

>> oh, oh.

>> would you get off your

Nordictrack and talk to me?

What is that?

>> workout towel.

>> look, if you're going to be

Like this, then maybe I should

Just move out now.

>> maybe you should.

>> good.

>> great.

>> awesome.

>> superb.

>> marvelous.

>> roseanne.

>> spectacular.

>> yippee.

>> bellissimo.

>> all right, this is actually

Good when they don't say

Anything.

It means that they forgot what

They were fighting about.

>> moving out.

>> oh, yeah, I'm moving out.

Ha ha.

>> no, I'm moving out.

>> oh, yeah, you're moving out,

And I don't care.

>> that's really how you feel?

>> mm-hmm.

>> I'll be gone by the morning.

I hope you're happy.

>> no, no, no.

You don't get to do a door slam

On me.

I do a door slam on you.

>> this is my bar, ugly.

That means I get the last

Freaking door slam.

>> oh yeah?

What about this?

>> what about this?

>> mm-hmm.

>> what about this?

>> oh, yeah.

>> yeah.

>> moving out.

>> oh, yeah.

**

>>> so trent wouldn't give the

Ring back?

Tell me how that went down.

>> it was dimly lit.

Through the darkness, I saw an

Adonis.

He looked at me, I looked at

Him.

His nipple went in my mouth.

I loved it.

I can still picture it now.

>> brett, are you okay?

>> oh, aren't we doing

Flashbacks any more?

>> I'm not giving up.

We're going to get that diamond

Back.

>> how do you get a diamond out

Of a guy's mouth?

How stupid could this guy be?

>> let's just say for a year I

Was trent's oregano bill.

>> so you're telling me that you

Want me to go flirt with trent,

Rub up against his body, take my

Hands and stroke them down his

Five, six, seven, eight abs.

>> no.

>> I haven't finished yet.

And then I'm going to grobe his

Perfect ass.

I'm going to make out with him

And steal the diamond back with

My tongue.

Look.

I'll do it.

I won't like it.

But I'm going to love it!

>> for real, I'm tired of

Pretending that we're not

Together.

Listen, I know you said that we

Only went on one date together,

But we've been on a lot of dates

Together.

We spent the night at a bed

Breakfast at lake michigan.

I didn't tell any girlfriends

About it because you didn't want

Me to.

>> maybe because you actually

Did tell them?

>> yeah.

>> he took pictures of you

Sleeping.

Completely shaved, huh?

I liked it.

>> you know what?

I'm not apologizing for it.

I'm glad that us is a thing

Because honestly I've been

Waiting for us to happen for

Like three years now.

If you're embarrassed to be with

Me, that's fine.

I can deal with that.

Are we about to kiss?

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

So we're good, yeah?

>> I'm in.

>> all right.

Come here.

>> all right.

I will allow this, but if you

Start making straining noises,

We're breaking up.

>> all right.

We should go.

>> I'm sure she's fine.

She falls all the time.

What we need to be concerned

About is getting that diamond

Back.

>> okay.

>> we need someone to kiss

Trent.

Can you do it for candace?

>> no, I'm not into the --

>> yes, that's trending.

>> I'll do it.

>> I haven't seen you all turned

Up like this.

Let's pretend we're an old

Couple that's been married for

Like 50 years.

Come on.

I'm coming for you, stud muffin.

Hot wheels.

Coming at you.

>> sweetie.

>> what?

>> this usually gets me going.

But my heart's just not into it.

>> you guys.

This fight with danny's killing

Him.

>> I know.

Danny's been moping around all

Day.

>> oh, please, come on, they're

Grown men.

They're not wandering around the

Streets all emotional like some

Backstreet boys video from the

'90s.

* is this the feeling I need too

Often *

* tell me why I can't be where

You are *

* because something is in my

Heart *

* life goes on

* you never change

* there's no control

* are you with me now

* you're everywhere

* show me the meaning of being

Lonely *

* is this a feeling I need

* tell me why I can't be there

Where you are *

* there's something

>>> let's do this, you oily

Donkey.

You're not wearing your diamond

Stud.

>> no, I just wear this for fun.

I'm off duty, babe

[ screams ]

>> what was that?

You out here working the alley

By yourself?

>> this is the alley where

Anything goes.

>> okay.

Charlotte said trent has the

Diamond at his apartment and she

Wants to know if she should go

Sleep with him.

>> hold on, wait.

Excuse me, what?

Tell her no.

>> finally I got to make out

With adam.

>> only if you go before --

>> by the way.

>> did anybody else hear that?

>> what?

>> I'm all packed up.

Closed the bar early so we can

Go celebrate the engagement

Together.

You are still welcome, if you

Want the come.

>> nah, I'm good.

>> all right.

Well, if you change your mind,

Just, you know, come.

>> spare me the lecture.

I already know what you're going

To say.

I'm going to fast forward

Through all the bullcrap that

You were about to.

>> you should be happy for

Justin, he's your --

Oh, I'm so disappointed in you,

Danny.

Good night.

[ fast forwarding noise ]

Let's get high and watch

Wrestling.

>> to be fair, that is what I

Say first thing in the morning.

>> danny, justin's your best

Friend.

>> whatever.

>> it's okay to be hurt that

He's leaving.

>> don't you understand this is

All a ruse on justin's behalf?

He's not even really moving out.

All these boxes are empty.

See?

>> what?

>> it's all of his khakis.

I guess he really is moving out.

>> danny, I know how scary it

Can be to admit how you really

Feel.

Look how long it took me to

Admit how I feel about burski.

But I can look you straight in

The eyes and say, I like burski?

>> you don't even realize you

Said that as a question.

>> I really do?

I like him.

I do.

I like him.

Okay?

So now it's time for you to be

Honest about how you feel about

Justin.

>> let me put this in a way

You'll understand.

You've been an emotional grower.

Now you need to be an emotional

Shower.

I mean, justin's your best

Friend.

Have you ever even told him

That?

>> no, but in my defense I have

A really good reason not to.

>> what's that?

>> because he wants me to so

Bad.

>> I'm disappointed in you,

Danny.

Good night.

>> oh, you going to get high and

Watch wrestling?

**

>> so candace and justin.

>> hear hear.

>> thank you.

This is the happiest day of my

Life.

>> did he say happiest day or

Last day?

>> ok.

Babe, you've been so upset about

This whole danny situation this

Whole time.

Now, I know that you said that

You want to do whatever you want

To make me happy.

Do you want to make me happy,

You go out there and you get

Danny.

>> yes, ma'am.

>> guys, I'm here.

Where's justin?

>> you just missed him.

He went out looking for you.

>> oh, crap.

Let me go see if I can catch

Him.

>> look like those guys will

Never --

>> where's danny?

>> danny just left, dude.

>> damn it.

>> and eight --

>> I just got your text that

Justin is here, but I also saw

Him run right past me.

Which one should I trust?

**

**

>>ly uv you.

I have to tell you that.

I know you don't like this sappy

Stuff and you're going to act

Like you don't care.

>> all right, look, stop.

Let me go first.

It's only fair.

Shelly, why don't you tell him

Where I was while I go watch up.

>> I'd love to.

Gather around, everybody, and

Hear the tale.

Now, when I told danny we

Couldn't get your ring back, he

Took it upon himself to go back

To the strip club and get it for

Trent.

But when he got there trent and

Kevin were so nervous because

There were some big league

Stripper scouts there from the

Biggest area in the world.

That's right, will.

Tampa.

You know about that.

I know you.

I seen you at the club.

Now, the problem was that they

Didn't have a third dancer.

And what happened next?

Oh, it's going to go down in

Male stripper history.

>> guys, if we die tonight, I

Just want to world to know we

Died doing what we love.

>> yeah.

I don't really want the world or

Anyone to ever know that I was

Here, but -- also, why would we

Die?

>> can I interrupt for a second?

I just want to say that I love

Both of you guys.

Trent more than I did before.

>> okay.

Well just so you know, I hate

Both of you.

>> do you want any oil before we

Start?

>> no.

Please, that wasn't in the

Script.

>> sounds like we're ready to

Go.

Let's get started.

>> three, two, one.

Hit it!

**

>> none of my moves are sexual.

I apologize.

>> wow.

>> yeah.

>> wow.

>> that was an amazing story.

Hey, danny, you have to tell us

If you got the ring back when

You get back from the bathroom.

>> yeah, just give me a few

Seconds.

Flashbacks are exhausting.

**

>>> so look, the stripper skrout

Scouts turned out that they

Loved us and so did the

Audience.

So anyway.

Okay.

Well --

>> will really likes improv.

>> mommy had to work for once.

>> well, look, I basically,

Since I got trent back to tampa,

He agreed to give me this.

>> oh my.

>> what's that junkie old piece

Of crap?

>> my grandma's wedding ring.

>> it's so pretty.

>> thank you so much for doing

That for me.

>> all right.

I didn't just do it for you.

I did it for my best friend.

>> did you just call me your

Best friend?

[ spits ]

>> yes, I did.

>> I don't want that anymore.

But we need to try that.

Look, I already know you're my

Best friend even though that

Pissed me off quite a bit.

But I need to know if you'd be

Willing to be my best man.

>> hey, of course, baby bird.

>> well, summer, fall, but

Definitely not this season.

>> hey, buddy.

* respecting our reality

* every time you can make it

Right *

* that makes you larger than

Life *

* put your hands together now

**

* screaming my name