Original subtitles

Thank you for watching.

You know?

You're even prettier with these things off.

Go ahead, look.

Yeah, but then I can't see.

This is the sound

Patricia dear, you're going to be late for your science trip.

I'll be right down.

Morning.

Sorry, I don't have time to sit down and have breakfast with you guys. I'm

really running late.

But dear, you're moving into your apartment this weekend.

It's the last time to enjoy my home cooking.

I'm only moving a mile away. I mean, I can still come by.

You can swing by any time.

Oh,

thanks, you two.

You know, you really have been good to me.

It hasn't been easy since Mom and Dad died, but you really have treated me

a daughter you never had.

Thanks to Mr.

Tight Pants over here.

But you can spend as much time as you want with us, dear.

Now, Lisa, I got to jet.

Bye. Bye.

Okay, the brat's gone.

Time to get into the gimp outfit.

The client's going to be here in an hour.

Oh, nice ride, Lisa.

Hey, thanks. This is a little graduation present from Lucinda.

It must have cost a lot.

Yeah, well, it's only money.

Yeah, I guess.

No, I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. No, I know what you mean.

Um, are you still cool about fronting my half of the deposit for the apartment?

I'm going to get a job this weekend.

Of course I am. You ready for school, Rumi?

Ready, steady, go!

Oh, sorry.

Pat the prude, Pat the prude!

Why don't you grow up and leave her alone, jerk?

Don't listen to that bonehead. He's just a jerk.

Oh, yeah, I don't care what that guy says.

Yo, my two favorite ladies.

Hey, Mark, where you been hiding?

Nowhere. I've just been playing ball with the guys.

Get lost.

Yo, Patricia.

I was wondering maybe you could tutor me this afternoon.

This nice jazz gives me a huge headache.

Okay. So it's a date.

I'll call you later. We'll just... Come over, whatever.

Or maybe I'll just have you right here.

Okay. Oh, okay.

Great. Ciao, ladies.

Earth to Patricia.

What?

I think we found a candidate for Miss Prude.

No, no, no, no.

Mark Jeremy and I have been friends since grade school.

And anyway, he won't be interested in me.

Oh, you won't know until you try.

Well, I guess I won't know then.

Hello, students. I'm Dr.

Duhwell.

I am a genetic scientist.

For several years now, I've been trying to genetically engineer a hybrid spider,

a specimen that contains all the elements of several different

species all in one specimen.

Now, this hybrid species that I'm going to show you today has been

subjected to several different types of radiation.

at several different levels, and I'm here to tell you that its powers and

abilities have been magnified fantastically.

Yeah. So, uh, what happens if this spider, like, bit somebody?

Logically, they would turn into a superhero and fight crime.

Um, has any of this radioactive exposure had any side effects on the spider? You

know, like, negative side effects?

As a matter of fact, yes, I would have to say that the great side effect is

he has become more prone toward procreation.

More amorous, or as you kids like to put it nowadays, horny, baby!

Hey, porker, you could use some of that.

Reed, thanks for compromising my education.

I'm trying to learn something.

Okay, everybody.

Settle down.

Now, okay.

At this point, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you all...

Or, as I like to call him, Randy.

Motherfucker! This is going to be my ass!

I'm afraid that the lecture is going to have to be cut short.

today and if you would all kindly leave the museum very slowly and watch where

you walk for the sake of christ because there's a spider running around here

that's worth more than all of us put together

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God, why?

Take me instead.

What would happen if that thing bit somebody? Bit somebody?

They would turn into a superhero and fight crime.

Patricia, dear, you're home early. Are you okay?

I'm annoying. Maybe I don't feel right. I'm going up to bed.

Okay, sweetheart.

What are you looking at? Look away.

Bye.

Patricia?

Unshag me.

Eww.

Parker, Parker, Parker!

Hey. Hi.

Hey.

You shouldn't have left yesterday. You missed the best part of the lecture.

The spider got loose.

Wow. Did you get a makeover or something?

Yeah, something.

You look nice today. I like your outfit.

Thanks.

Anyway, this is my sister. Listen to not this. This is Patricia.

At last we meet.

I understand you're quite the science quiz.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, wow. I mean, I've heard so much cool stuff about Knox Technologies. I mean,

really, really fascinating stuff.

I'd love to take a tour of the place sometime.

I think I could arrange a guided tour. Really? Absolutely.

I've got to get going. I'll see you tonight. Great meeting you, finally.

Likewise.

Wow.

Your sister is so cool.

Yeah.

So, why don't you tell me what's going on with you?

Nothing. Nothing. I just felt like getting dressed up today.

Rent money, rent money.

High school janitor.

Some kid just picked all over the hamster cage in the science lab.

When you're done cleaning that, go clean the teacher's shit.

Diner waitress?

Ten cents?

You give me ten flippin' cents?

The soup was cold.

Hmm.

Nurse's assistant.

Mr. Johnson, it's time for your high colonic treatment.

Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, wait.

A thousand dollars to anyone who can stay in the ring with the Queen Bee for

three minutes.

That's it.

But how do I disguise myself so nobody knows that I have superhuman powers?

Well, I disguise.

Oh, Uncle Clem. I know I was supposed to help you paint the dungeon tonight, but

something really important's come up, so... Sorry. Tricia, wait.

I think your uncle has something to say to you.

Clem?

I

know.

Study hard.

I know, Uncle Clem.

No drugs.

Use a condom.

I love you, Guy.

We love you, too.

Go on. Go.

Ian.

What are you sitting there like an old fool for? Hurry up. Go follow her.

And if you're going into the city, stop by the pink pussycat and get me some

Benoit balls.

The old ones are getting nasty.

Hurry up, you old fuck!

What'd you say your name was again, kid?

Pussyweb.

That's ridiculous.

What's your shtick?

Shtick? Yeah, weren't you supposed to be a bug or some shit like that? Oh, I'm a

spider.

And a quite lovely one at that.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next contestant, the lovely, the

bodacious, Spider...

Are you sure you want to get through with this, Pipqueak?

I thought they threw ones your size back in the pond.

Whatever, shouldn't you be out pollinating a flower or something?

Let's get ready to fumble!

That's a hopping spider, you moron. You suck!

Yeah, so does your mother!

Nipple cakes, ladies and gentlemen.

Highly effective.

Highly erotic.

Don't forget their peanuts and snacks at the snack bar. Perfectly of Joe's Bar.

Special brand of pig town and it's moving in for a pinch and squeeze.

Oh, yes, please.

Come on, are you people dead? Let's hear it. Come on.

I'll never wash these ropes again.

this masked woman.

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't this fantastic?

Nice, dual -tongue -twisting pile driving.

I know I'm hot.

I'm off to Bob's Appliances where they have the largest selection of air

conditioners in all of New York. Bob's Appliances, 13th and Broadway.

We proudly sponsor this, our hot, sweaty moment of the night.

Are you coming for me?

I know you want me right now, huh?

Is the promoter's office this way?

Oh, you're looking for promotion?

I got a real big promotion for you right here.

You know what I'm saying?

You're a disgusting creep.

Do not even talk to me.

Whoa, $1 ,500.

I thought I was only getting $1 ,000.

You're not a good kid. I wouldn't exactly call it wrestling, but my booze

went through the roof.

You're welcome back any time.

He just robbed a bar.

Oh, well, why don't you go and tell somebody who gives a crap?

All right.

Back it up. Cut the dead body.

Not like you've never seen one of them before.

Back it up, ladies and gents.

What happened?

up the crime scene here oh some robber shot him he's hanging at the warehouse

over there hey do me a favor call the cop and we're at a donut

I was so selfish that I let this creep get away.

Now Uncle Phlegm is dead.

Too good?

Fight evil!

He was right,

you know.

With great power does come great responsibility.

It is cool to stay in school, and you should kick the dog when you break wind

a room full of people.

From now on I will only use these powers for good

And to get laid

But mostly for good

and to get laid

So you mean to tell me that a genetically engineered spider

that we spent millions on has been crushed to death by a bunch of

snot -nosed brats?

That's the short of it, yeah.

Do you have any idea what that could do to

our company, huh?

Huh? If we don't show results soon, we could lose military funding.

How's, um, uh... How's Project Greenstein coming?

We're at least a year away from anything significant.

You fucked the arachnid program.

You find a test subject by week's end.

It's too dangerous.

No one in their right mind would volunteer. Just make...

What, Miss Knox?

Get out of my office.

Send in my overpaid eye candy, will you?

You bet.

You wanted to see me, Miss Knox?

Be a lamb and enjoy it, will you, love? I need to

alleviate a little tension here.

Darling, you should have made Duell wear his nuts as a necklace.

I wanted to, believe me.

And you're in there having sex with Sally when all you've been thinking

that Patricia girl since you met her.

She's Lisa's best friend.

So?

Lisa's a grown girl.

And don't you think she wonders why sis never dates a man?

Leave me alone.

Leave you alone.

Darling, if I don't make you into the woman you're supposed to be, who will?

Leave me alone!

You say that now.

But you'll be back.

Begging for my advice.

Look what we've got here, boys.

Sweet meat on bozo terror.

Listen, man.

I'm not looking for trouble, okay?

I'm just trying to get on the subway so I can go home. That's it, okay?

Hey, that's fine.

You can get on the subway and you can go home.

After you've entertained the troops, you know. Hey, listen, listen.

We'll even give you subway fare.

If you play along.

Well, well, well.

I had no idea that the circus was in town.

Why don't you bozos hop into a tiny car and leave the lady alone?

Hey, no one tells the bozos what to do except me, you freaking bitch.

You know, you are really making me long for this subtle art of mine.

Get her!

Fuck you.

Spider -Babe, you're my hero.

Hero.

How can I repay you?

MJ?

Mark?

Patricia.

Patricia. Wow, you look great.

You cut your hair or something?

Yeah, something.

Uh, what are you doing coming out of that place?

Oh, I just ducked into Houston bathroom.

Hey, cowboy.

You forgot your props.

You get here an hour early tomorrow.

Old Widow Johnson booked you for the champagne room.

Don't worry about it, kid. He's gotta do a double shift tomorrow.

You

work

there?

Yeah. My sports scholarship was cancelled.

And my parents, well, you know, they're not much help.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

We're digging ditches, right?

Yeah, I guess.

I gotta go.

Evening, gentlemen.

This boy's off the clock.

Why don't you give him a break?

You're that Spider -Babe character I've heard about.

That's right, Mark.

Wait, how did you know my name?

Ah, ancient alter ego secret.

Oh, they sure seem like a couple of rough customers.

No, they're pretty much harmless.

Okay, tough guy, but they could have sat on your face and suffocated you.

Thanks. I won't get wood now for a week with that image in my head.

Your wood seems all right to me.

What are you, a superhero or something?

Hey, beats digging ditches.

See you later, sweet stuff.

Thanks for making dinner, Aunt Maybe. It was good.

Yes. The grocery boy's been slipping in some extra salami in my delivery.

Not to mention extra zucchini and bananas, too.

What a sweet boy.

Aunt Mimi, can I borrow your camera?

Sure.

Is it ready?

Everything's prepared.

Wait a minute.

She's not the subject, is she?

She's the confidante.

I'm the subject.

But, Miss Knox, the ramifications.

Listen, you little prick.

You got me into this position, and you will follow my instructions to a T, or I

will castrate you.

Do well.

Come here.

Miss Knox!

Don't ever call me that again.

Lucinda Knox is weak.

I am Flamtillion, and I'm about to show the world just how strong I

am.

Call maintenance to clean up Mr. Dewell's accident.

Pity he fell and broke his neck like that, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Are you okay?

Can I get you anything?

A drink or something to eat, maybe?

A little cider would be nice.

Come on fellas, Ski Master sold last year.

If you weren't criminals, the Fashion Police would arrest you. Fill it full of

lead!

Spider -Baby, you saved my life.

Oh, well, it's the least I could do.

I'm a superhero.

I'm just doing my job.

Gotta go.

Spider -Baby, wait!

Well, shucks.

And then Spider -Babe came out of nowhere and pushed me out of the way of

bus. And then she said I had a nice ass.

I haven't heard that in a long time.

My name's Sophia. I am from Warburton Avenue in Yonkers. I'm the photographer,

and I've been looking for Spider -Babe.

I would like to take pictures of her. I think she's beautiful.

Am I going to be on TV?

Make it fast, kid.

I gotta slip in another headline in an hour.

The name's Patricia Porka.

I'm J. Joe Fijiman. I don't have time to shake hands.

Oh, is that right? Well, I think you'll find time for these.

Your photo's a spider, babe. That's right.

I'll take them all. A hundred bucks apiece.

Sold. All right.

All right.

$150 apiece.

Even better.

I'll give you $200 apiece, and that's my final offer.

You've got a deal.

Stop the press.

We have photos to run with that Spider -Babe headline.

You're running a Spider -Babe headline?

Yeah.

Spider -Babe.

Pervert vigilante. Worse than the criminal she busts.

What?

Spider -Babe's done a lot of good for this city. Kid, with a nut like that

running around, it's only going to attract more nuts.

Spider -Babe's got to be stopped for the good of decency.

And if the press won't do it, who will?

When is that damn air conditioner man coming? I'm sweating to death.

Seriously, dude.

I'm so hot, I'm starting to see dead relatives.

There's no sense in staying in these damn clothes.

Yeah, I hear that.

Wow, that was great.

Felt really good.

Gotta ask you something.

Shoot.

So, what does it mean now that we did this?

What does what mean?

Well, are we lesbians now?

I do still like guys, but I really like what we just did.

Are we bisexual?

Hey, I'm trisexual.

We're just two really good friends who made each other feel good.

No more, no less, no labels.

Just two really, really, really good friends.

newsflash. There's been an explosion in downtown New York at the Knox

Technologies building.

Lucinda Knox, CEO, was said to be inside the building.

Oh my god, I gotta get over there. You go, I'll meet you there.

Your house is in right now, but I'd be more than happy to assist you.

In your demise.

Pretty nimble.

For a cause.

Are you as strong as you are fast?

Well, you're about to find out, Chuckles.

I don't know who the hell you are, but you picked the wrong bitch to mess with.

Bitch.

I'm Pentillion, and I'm going to rid this sorry city of Thalia and rule this

burg.

Yeah, whatever.

But are we really so different, Spider -Pede?

I'm just gonna need a minute here.

I'm Jimmy Strong from NYC News.

We're going straight to Miss Knox, who's outside of Knox Technologies.

I had everything under control, and then Spider -Babe shows up, and she nearly

had me killed.

What? I just wish that she hadn't shown up at all.

What is she talking about? She wasn't even there.

Really? Even if she was.

She could have never survived that blast.

Something smells fishy.

And I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

Or in between it.

Seriously, I'm fine.

Wow, Lucinda, I just saw you on television.

Yeah, that was recorded hours ago.

You okay?

That looked like quite an explosion.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Didn't look like anybody could survive that blast.

Well, I did.

Really, seriously, you guys, I'm fine.

Where did you go? I thought you were coming down.

I was there.

Couldn't find you in the crowd.

What happened to your arm?

Oh.

Nothing.

I, uh, I caught some shrapnel from that explosion.

Huh?

Poor baby.

Is it bad?

It's just a scratch.

I'm stuffed.

Put my head on a mantle.

Yeah, the food was really very good.

Thank you, Miss Knox.

Lucinda. And actually, the food is better than I can remember.

Must be that whole brush with death thing.

I hear it can make everything better.

Food.

Sex.

Lisa, why don't you run down to the ice cream parlor?

I don't know. I'm pretty stuffed.

Nonsense. There's always room for ice cream.

And it's so hot.

Patricia, aren't you hot?

I can always do with a little dessert.

Okay, fine.

Chocolate all around, if memory serves.

Fine.

Patricia! Dude!

That's my sister!

It wasn't my idea. She was all over me. You saw what she was doing. I am so

pissed at you right now.

Does this mean we're not having sex later?

Yes, of course, but I am so pissed at you right now.

Howdy, cowboy.

Ha ha, enough of the jokes.

Just busting.

So how you been?

Tired. I don't know, but between work and classes, I haven't slept much.

Hmm, I know the feeling.

Hey, Mark, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure, I guess so.

Okay, so Mark, you know, I've had a crush on you since grade school, and

silly for me to just not come out and say it, so...

There it is. I want to see you, you know, more than a friend.

Gee, Patricia, I care for you a lot. A lot.

Okay, here it comes.

But I kind of have a thing for someone else.

Wow, I feel like a real jerk.

Okay, so who's the lucky lady?

Spider -Babe?

Spider babe.

I don't know. When she kissed me, it was magical.

Crazy.

Well, was it anything like this?

No, not at all.

Gee, I have to go, okay? I'm late for work.

All right, see ya.

Yeah, see ya.

So, the Polka Brat and Spider -Babe.

Um... Yeah, yeah.

Um...

I guess that sort of changes things, doesn't it? Changes things?

Changes nothing!

Other than the fact our job just got easier.

We now know Spider -Babe's identity.

We just need a plan.

Hello, Mark.

Hey, Spider -Babe.

You've been thinking about me.

Yeah? How'd you know? Yeah, ancient alter ego secret.

I've been thinking about you too, Mark.

Really?

Listen, there's something I want to tell you, but I'm not quite sure how.

I know.

You've been having boy thoughts, and I've been having spider babe thoughts.

So let's put those thoughts into action.

And have a little bit of fun.

Spider -Babe style.

So, you can do anything you want.

But, the mask stays.

I just need to kiss you again.

So then kiss me.

Okay, you've done what you wanted.

Now it's my turn.

Hello. Sally.

Lucinda Knox's assistant?

You got pictures of Spider -Bane?

How much?

One million?

I don't think I can get that much, but we should definitely talk.

Where?

Knox Lab.

No.

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah.

Uh -huh.

Okay.

One hour.

You got it. I'll be there.

All right.

Oh.

Pictures are amazing.

How did you get them?

I have my connections.

Apparently so.

But a million bucks?

I don't think I can raise that.

You know, the Bungles only gave you a half a million dollars.

Really? Yeah.

Well, I guess you better start working off another half a million right now.

Spider -Babe has done more good for this city than the fucking mayor.

You listen.

She's cute.

But she's a menace. Bottom line. She has no authority.

She's not an officer of the law.

What she's doing is wrong and illegal.

Damn, JJJ, you know.

You're pretty cute when you're being pig -headed.

Hold my calls.

And send some Chinese food to be delivered in about a half an hour.

I'm gonna work up an appetite on you, Missy.

So, does that change your position on Spider -Babe?

No. The only thing that is gonna change my position about Spider

-Babe...

All right, I'll see what I can do, kid.

Why don't we finish this up in about five minutes? We got Chinese food

Thank you.

I believe I know this young man.

Looks like Spider -Babe knows him, too. Quite well.

Indeed.

Mark Jeremy Whitson. Hmm.

Looks as though we have a fly to attract our spider.

Hmm?

Now all we need is a pla -

Do you have any idea?

Would it help if I stripped for you?

What's my paying you for?

Oh, that help? Oh, we could drop two melons on... We

could stick a rabid beaver on the...

We could... Oh,

your ass is positively sublime.

Your ass is... Oh, we could assassinate them, yes.

No, no, no.

Oh, we could drop acid all over them.

We could... We could drop them into a bottomless pit.

No, no.

Yeah? Take a load off, sweet sheep.

Hey, what have you done to our stud muffin?

This city is full of freaks.

Spider -Babe doesn't show up soon. You'll all become acquainted with this

inside and out.

Wow, Fountillion, I've heard of picking up a guy, but this is ridiculous.

Spider -Babe, please, come help me.

He's going to kill me.

Spider -Babe, just in time.

Leave him alone, flamtillion.

Try picking on somebody your own size.

You do seem an infinitely more worthy opponent.

Catch me if you can.

Spider -Babe, judgment day is upon

you.

Lucinda Knox.

I knew it.

Yes, it's me.

The sister of your best friend.

But why?

I don't know, really. I had my period this month, and I guess I

just sort of lost it.

I need help and a good pain relief of a cramp.

Well, you can get a prescription for that stuff.

I heard that, yes, indeed.

Please help me.

No. And I won't be okay until Spider -Man pays for killing my sister.

Okay, so my best friend's sister is dead because of me.

Police still want me.

Daily Bunghole is still running an anti -campaign against me.

And I had to bail Aunt Maybe out of jail on prostitution charges.

Yeah, life is good.

Can't wait for the sequel.