All language subtitles for Rustlers.Rhapsody.1985.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

( exciting adventure
theme plays )

MAN:
This is how every
Rex O'Herlihan movie ever made

always started.

It was the same every time.

And they made
52 of them in all

between the years
1938 and 1947.

( plays guitar )

( gunshots in distance )

Sounds like trouble.

On Wildfire, on!

( adventure theme resumes )

( whinnies )

Hyah!

MAN:
1947 was the year the lights
sort of went out for Rex.

Yeah, he never did much
after that.

Always made me kind of wonder

what one of these B Westerns
would look like.

You know, if they still
made them today.

( rumbling )

( adventure theme plays )

Uh... On, Wildfire, on!

MAN:
In the first place,

the bad guys probably
wouldn't all be such cowards.

Rex probably wouldn't be
so damn perfect all the time.

( grunts )

( pained grunting )

( quiet prairie theme plays )

( horse whinnies )

( clears throat )

( plays slow
melody on guitar )

( other instruments
accompany melody )

Root's beginning to work.

The prairie sun has
kissed the day goodbye

( voices harmonize )

Yeah, it's definitely
kicking in now.

The wind behind me
sounds like it may cry

Here we go.

Now I hear the lonesome
whistle of a quail

As I ride alone

Along the tumbleweed trail

The road ahead's as endless
as the one I left behind

But there are no ties
to hold me down

Because I was born
the drifting kind

With just a faithful horse
for company

And a saddle for my home

Yo-da-la-he,
yo-da-la-he

I ride alone

Yo-da-la-he,
yo-da-la-he

I ride alone

Whooo-oooh

Morning, ma'am.
Morning.

( small dog yelps inside )

( chattering )

( harmonica playing
"Oh! Susannah" )

Glass of warm milk, please.

Make it a sarsaparilla.

Is this one of those
really tough bars?

Oh. Well, let me have
a large glass of warm gin

served with a human
hair in it.

Coming up.

MAN:
This here story is about the
time the most wonderful

and interesting thing
happened to Rex.

He met me.

Let me guess.

You're new here at Oakwood
Estates, aren't you, mister?

You buy me a drink,
I'll tell you what's going on.

Bartender,
make that two.

Okay, Okay.
Here's what's happening.

Most of these people are
nobodies. Forget about them.

That group over there,
those are the sheepherders.

They're the good guys.
Work hard,
don't bother nobody.

But they smell God-awful.

( whispers ):
Must be the sheep.

Makes you wanna kill them
sometimes. Oh, yeah.

( makes horse-like sound )

( coughs and sputters )

Now, over here
is the sheriff.

Obviously a corrupt
old coward,

who takes his orders
from the colonel.

The colonel?
Yeah, the colonel.

The power-mad cattle baron
who really runs the town.

Oh, yeah.

Can I have another drink?
I'm the town drunk, you know.

Sure.
Warm gin!

( spits )

Hold the hair.

( piano plays upbeat
saloon music )

I like this color
on you.

Who's that, over there?

Oh... that's Miss Tracy.

TOWN DRUNK:
She solicits drinks,
hooks on the side.

But, you know,
she doesn't actually

go to bed
with her customers.

She just talks
dirty to them.

And underneath that exterior
is a heart of gold.

Yeah.

How did you know that?

I know.

Of course, I don't have
to pay for sex myself.

( makes horse-like sound )

( makes sounds and sputters )

You'll excuse me,
won't you?

Hi, hi, wanna know
what's going on?

( ominous theme plays )

( piano stops playing )

I smell sheep.

Bad guys,
work for the colonel.

Now, there wouldn't happen
to be any...

sheepherders in here,
would there?

I'm not wearing a gun.

And I'm not going
to do anything

that might in any way
cause you--

It's a tough town.

Sorry about the table,
saloon owner.

Uh, that's, that's okay,
Blackie. No problem.

Since it's Tuesday,
have a free drink.

SALOON OWNER: It's on
the house.
BROKER: Blackie.

You can kill me, too,
if you want.

But I think it's exactly
this type of thing

that drives down
property values here
in Oakwood Estates--

( yells )

That was the
town doctor.

I'm kidding.
Just some real estate guy.

Sorry about that,
sheriff.

( in Scottish accent ):
Well, you certainly don't
have to apologize to me.

These fellas were
driving you crazy.

I swear, sometimes
I don't know how
you put up with it.

Anybody else got
anything to say?

TRACEY: I do.

I think you're
out of order, Blackie.

What do you know?
You're just a prostitute!

Someone who sells her body
to anyone

with the financial
wherewithal to--

All right!

That'll be enough
of that kind of talk.

What in the hell
are you?

Just a stranger,
passing through.

Where in the hell
did you get that shirt?

How a person dresses
is nobody's business
but his or her own.

BLACKIE: What?
You heard me.

You know what
you look like to me?

You look like one
of those fellas

who's attracted
to other men.

( saloon patrons gasp )

This is just a warning.

If you or your men
draw on me,

I'll shoot each man
in the hand.

In the hand?

That's right.

Not in the face
or the chest?

Nope.

I don't like the idea
of getting shot in the hand.

Then go home, Blackie.

Go home?
That's right.

Go home?

( loudly ):
Yeah, and see someone
about your hearing.

Draw your gun,
prairie fairy.

I never draw first.

Well, hell.
That's no problem.

Well, don't just stand there,
boys. Get him.

Now!

Uh-oh.

Now we've done it.

All right,
you two.

Get your friend
and get out of here.

But he's dead.

So what?

Get him out of here.

You ain't heard the last
of this, mister.

I know.

Believe me, I know.

Mister, I never saw shooting
like that in my life.

You're good.

Thanks, partner.

( prairie theme plays )

Was that as good for you
as it was for me?

Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me there,
stranger.

You got a place
to stay?

I got a campsite
outside of town.

Why don't you stay
in the hotel?

I never stay
in town.

Oh. What's your name,
anyhow?

I'm Rex O'Herlihan,
The Singing Cowboy.

The what?
The Singing Cowboy!

Oh, well, listen,
Mr. O'Herlihan.

You got to be careful
here in Oakwood Estates.

This is a plenty
dangerous town.

High-stakes power
plays, murder, robbery,
intrigue, the works.

You think that's funny?
This is the West, pal.

People are arbitrarily shot
to pieces left and right.

I mean, it is
all so violent!

( grunts )

Where was I?
Huh?

Oh. "It's all
so violent."

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, see,
this is the West.

And out here
in the West--

I know all about
the West.

I travel all over it,
from town to town.

That's what I do.

Yeah, but see,
in this town--

This town's no different
than any other Western town.

They're all identical.

They are?
Uh huh.

Really?
Yeah, really.

In every town there's
a bar like that one
we just came from.

They might not all have
continuous entertainment,

but they're basically
the same.

The sheriff's totally
stereotypical,

and so is the saloon owner
with that moustache...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Those guys are unique.

I'm sorry, but I just
don't believe you.

Okay, you have
a very pretty,

but somehow asexual,
new schoolmarm?

Yeah.

Is the blacksmith a big,
friendly guy who only gets mad

when somebody
burns down his barn?

Yeah.

Is the editor of the paper
a young idealist

who's hocked everything
to buy his press?

Damn.

See.

Hey, hey, I know one thing
that's--

( groans and thuds )

I know one thing that's
different about
Oakwood Estates.

I know that none of these
other towns have--

The railroad coming through.

Holy cow!

All Western towns have
the railroad coming through?

Yep.

Wait! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

One last thing. Do all these
towns have a town drunk?

I'm not sure.

Oh, come on.

( whistles )
( horse whinnies )

You know.

No, you're the first
I ever met.

Oh, well, that's something
at least, isn't it?

Sure is, partner.
You're one of a kind.

( chuckling )

You ought to...
You ought to travel more.

Get out,
see the world.

You know,
the most amazing thing

is that all these other towns
are as violent as this one.

Yep.

Hard to believe.

Yep. Adiós,
buckaroo.

On, Wildfire, on!

TOWN DRUNK:
For some reason the bad guy
was always a colonel

who had a beautiful
young daughter

and about 1,000 head of cattle
which you'd hear
but never see.

( cows mooing )

( clock chimes )

Let me just ask you
one question.

There's one thing
I'm most curious about.

Why bring the body here?

My God, this is a home.
People live here!

Well, colonel, we didn't know
exactly what to do with him.

Bury him.

How about that?
Don't you think
that's a good idea?

Oh, yeah. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, colonel.

I mean, do you think
when somebody dies,

they place them permanently
on the family couch?

No, sir.

Gee whiz!

Well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm a little upset,
that's all.

And the couch is new,
and Blackie was my best man.

Poor Blackie.

Always acting so mean.

Always shooting people.

Well...

I saw something
a little deeper than that.

I saw a man
who could feel.

Who could touch.

I think
we should go.

You say this stranger
shot Blackie in the back?

Yes, sir. He got everybody in
the bar to say
that we done it.

Now, can you believe that?

Then he's a coward
and a liar!

You better take care
of him.

Uh, how do you mean?

Shoot him!

End his life,

that's what I mean when
I say take care of somebody.

I want you to cut him open,
reach in with
your bare hands...

Hi, Daddy,
am I interrupting?

No.

I was just telling the boys
here how to bury Blackie.

Daddy, can I have Wildfire
for my very, very own?

Oh, please, Daddy.
I'll be careful, I promise.

Wildfire is a lot
of horse, little lady.

Oh, Daddy, please!

If anybody can ride him,
I can.

Please, please,
please, please, please.

Well, I guess you're right.
He's yours.

Oh, thank you, Daddy!

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Bury Blackie?

Yeah, he's on
the couch there, dead.

( screams ):
No!

( sobbing )

Um...

You and Blackie dated?

Dated?

Oh, Daddy, we did everything
together. Everything.

Oh, my God.

I knew the real Blackie.

Oh, Daddy, he could feel.
He could touch.

Oh, my God!

Take care of her, men.

No, not that! Take her
upstairs is what I meant.

Gee whiz!

( whistles "I Ride Alone" )

( suspenseful theme plays )

( gunshots echo )

( cows moo )

Hyah!
Hyah!

My dearest mother.

MAN: Hey, shh.

MAN 2: Quiet.
MAN 3: Quiet. Shh.

Send $1,000...

for supplies...

and travel.

Thanking you in advance.

REX: I am...
Let's shoot him now.

No. Let's be on the safe side,
wait till he's asleep.

REX:
...The Singing Cowboy.

( horse snorts )

( suspenseful theme
crescendos )

JUD: He's gone.

JIM:
He's not gone, you idiot.

He's somewhere out there
in the dark.

He got the drop on us.

Howdy, stranger.

Howdy.

JIM:
We're looking for someone
named... Betty.

There's no Betty here.

No Betty here?

Did you hear
that, fellas?

I reckon we came
to the wrong campsite.

I reckon you did.

( suspenseful theme plays )

You fellas are making
a big mistake.

Oh? How's that?

The way you positioned
yourselves.

When the shooting starts...

you're likely to miss me
and hit each other.

You think you're real smart.
Don't you, fella?

When I see something that's
obviously wrong,

I usually speak up.

Well, I hope you're good
in arithmetic, too, fella.

Because there's
only one of you and there's...
five of us.

Oh, that
doesn't matter.

How do you mean,
it doesn't matter?

Just to be semi-fair,

I'll only use one gun.

Oh, we've got a real smart
aleck on our hands,
haven't we, boys?

All you have to do is draw.

What if we don't
wanna draw?

Now, that would be
fine with me.

Actually, I'd prefer it.

But we do wanna draw.
Don't we, men?

Anytime, boys.

( suspenseful theme
crescendos )

( gunshots )

( cows moo )

You're the only one
I can turn to now, Wildfire.

You're like me.

You're wild and free
and headstrong,

but you love me.

That's why I'm the only,
only person

in the whole world
who can ride you.

I'm getting tired of getting
shot in the hand.

Oh, shut up.

What are we going
to tell the colonel?

We'll tell him we need help to
kill this guy. And lots of it.

( horse whinnies
and daughter grunts )

( colonel in sing-song voice )
Who is it?

A bunch of
your men.

Five of them.

( colonel clears throat ):
I'll be right there, men.

Did you kill him?

Uh... no,
not exactly.

Not exactly?

Well, we tried
to kill him, colonel,

but he shot us
in the hands.

In the hands?

Yeah, it hurts too.

Colonel, I was thinking.
I think we ought to talk

to the railroad men about
helping us to kill this guy.

I don't like going
to the railroad for help.

But this guy's faster
on the draw than Blackie was.

Yeah, colonel, and he never
misses what he's aiming at.

Well...

maybe we should go
to the railroad people.

Meantime, why don't you
all come in,

make yourselves comfortable
and we'll gab about it.

Well, we can't,
colonel.

We have to, you know,
go to town,

see the doctor
about our hands.

And it's a weeknight.
Yeah.

Oh, all right,
good night!

Good night.

By the way, have any of you
seen my daughter?

No.
No. No, sir, colonel.

She's probably
out riding Wildfire.

There's one little lady
who can take care of herself.

Yes, sir.

DAUGHTER:
Help! Help!

Whoa, help!

( horse whinnies )

( mysterious theme plays )

TOWN DRUNK:
In the '60s,

they started making these
spaghetti Westerns.

I was always jealous
of these guys

because they had better
background music than we did.

They all got to wear
those great raincoats,

even when it was 110
in the shade.

Now the trouble was,

you could hardly understand
anything they said.

COLONEL:
Colonel, don't you think

you and me ought
to work together?

I mean, I know our men
dress differently,

but look what we have
in common.

We're both rich.

We're both power-mad.

And we're both colonels.

Now, that's got
to count for something.

( train whistle blows )

( in foreign accent )
Tell me...

tell me about this stranger
who shoots men in the hand.

Could his presence here
result in an all-out
range war?

Well, maybe not a range war
exactly,

but certainly
a lot of killing.

You have my word on that,
a lot of it!

All right.

Count us in.

Oh, good, good, good.

Now, the first thing
we have to do

is keep the element
of surprise.

This fancy shooting fella
has got to be kept

completely in the dark
about what we're doing.

( footsteps and spurs jingle )

Hey, look!

( rousing theme plays )

What the... ?

Somebody pull the
emergency brake! Quick!

No! Don't!

( wheels squeal
and whistle blows )

Get the horses!

We can't, colonel.
We left them at the station.

Oh, you idiots!

What were we supposed to do,
buy them tickets?

Have you got three rifles
with telescopic sights?

Yes.

You missed!
How could you miss?

Even with these sights,

we got a target
100 yards away, maybe more.

We've never fired
these weapons before!

There's a definite
wind factor,

and we got a problem
with the sun!

Just shoot, okay?

Well, hell, we're going
to be here all day.

( mysterious theme plays )

This isn't going
to be easy, is it?

REX:
On, Wildfire, on!

Have you got a light?

Yeah, I got a light.

Your butt and my face.

Now, wait a minute.

I got a match.

Yeah, and it's...
It's not your butt.

It's, uh... It's, uh...
It's my butt!

Yeah, my butt and...

My butt and...

Oh, hi, stranger,
wanna know what's going on?

I'm the town doctor,
you fool.

Oh, yeah. Hi, doc.
How's it going?

Bartender,
shot of bourbon.

I didn't recognize you
at first.

You look like
you seen a ghost.

I've seen worse
than that.

Where's the hair?

It's in there.

Last night,
five men came to me,

all complaining
of hand injuries.

Almost identical.

Just now, not more than
20 minutes ago,

three more men came in
with the same wound.

Is that just
a coincidence?

Well, what do you
think it is, doc?

I can't be sure.

I don't want
to start a panic,

but I think...

I think it's some kind of
bacteria that splits the skin.

Fortunately, so far,
it's just confined to males,

but who can tell?

I'm not prepared
to fight this kind of thing.

I don't have the tools.
I don't have the know-how.

I don't have the drugs!

Will you excuse me, doc?

Sure.

Just talk?
Uh huh.

That's it?
That's it.

For $600?
Yeah.

These are the 1880s,
$600 is a fortune.

Los Angeles real estate
is going for 50 cents an acre.
An acre!

I can get a steak
for a dime.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Hi, Miss Tracy.
Hi.

Would you excuse me?

EMCEE:
Let's have a big hand now,
for Miss Tina...

Okay.

...and her birds
from Brazil.

You wanted to see me,
Miss Tracy?

Yes.

You know that stranger
in here yesterday?

The one whose trousers
virtually suck to his legs.

Yes, ma'am.

Where's he hanging out?

You know what I mean,
hanging out?

Yeah, yeah, he has a campsite
just outside of town.

What's his name?

You know, his handle.

Rex O'Herlihan,
The Singing Cowboy.

The what?

The Singing Cowboy.

Well, I want him.

I want to...

( whispers inaudibly )

( voices harmonize )

( chuckles )

Tell the mule what happened.
Go on, tell him.

( horse whinnies )

Oh, it was something.

Really something.

Those guys even had
scope rifles too.

( sighs )

Yeah, it was incredible.

I mean, I knew the whole plan,
naturally,

but who cares about that?

The thing of it was...
The thing was jumping on
top of Wildfire,

and those guys
hitting the brakes.

( horse whinnies in distance )

DAUGHTER: Help.

( exciting theme plays )

On, Wildfire, on!

( indistinct sounds )

Hyah!

Help!

( daughter screams )

Whoa, whoa.

( romantic theme plays
and birds chirp )

Where am I?

Uh...

in a small village,
just north of Oslo, Norway.

Really?

No.

Actually, you're a few miles
outside of Oakwood Estates.

Oh, you were teasing me,
weren't you?

Yep.

Oh, I like that.

( town drunk chuckles )

Every time Rex got close

to having some sort of
relationship with a girl,

you could bet something else
would happen.

Thanks for washing
my dress.

Oh, my pleasure.

I never have problems
with ground-in dirt stains.

Blood and chocolate
are the tough ones.

Ah.

Do you live around here?

Oh, you work
around here, then.

You're on vacation.

No, not really.

I wanna thank you--
You know--

( both laughing )

You go.
No, you.

No, you.

Well, what I was
going to say was

it certainly is
some horse of yours.

Yes! Oh, he's been dragging me
around since last night.

He's an Arabian.
They have great stamina.

Yeah, I know.

His name is Wildfire.

What?
His name is Wildfire.

Are you kidding me?

No, I don't think so.

My horse's name
is Wildfire!

No!
Yes.

Oh, that's amazing.

That's an incredible
coincidence. It really is.

Don't you just love it,
the name Wildfire?

Yeah, it's the greatest,
the best.

Have you got any more
of that plant?

Oh, yeah, sure,
there's some in the, uh...

What?

What is it?
( rustling )

Shh.

Oh, don't worry about it.
You're just getting paranoid.

Someone's coming.

I don't hear anything.
( footsteps approaching )

Trust me,
someone's coming.

Look, I want you to hide
in those trees down there,

just for a little while.

Why?
Well, I mean,
how does it look?

I mean, here you are, a nice
girl without any clothes on,

and I'm, you know,
a good guy.

I'd appreciate it.

All right.

In the trees?
Yeah.

Just for a couple
of minutes. Thank you.

What's your name,
by the way?

Rex.

Oh, my gosh.

What?

My dog's name
is Rex.

( nervously )
Ha.

( saxophone plays )

Hello, Rex.

Hi.

Remember me?

Yeah, you're Miss Tracy,
the town, uh...

Hostess.

Yeah. Right.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy.

Oh...

Most men I know
only have one gun.

Huh?

Oh, sorry about that.

( owl hoots )

REX:
Seriously,
I'm kind of busy here.

I have to feed the fire
and keep
the horses maintained...

Come on, Rex, can't you
even offer a girl a drink?

( kettle clanking )

Okay. One quick drink.
Why not?

I have a bottle of sherry
that my mother sent me.

Hasn't been opened
since Christmas.

I don't usually drink myself,
you understand.

( thunder clap )

Okay, one little
sherry then...

( saxophone plays )

Well?

Oh, Miss Tracy, you got
the wrong guy, really.

I'm ready, Rex.

Ready for what?

A nice, long...
conversation.

Oh, no, no, no,
you don't understand.

I can't talk like that.

So sing it.

I'd love to, but I...

( rattling sound )

What is it?

Someone's coming.

Someone's coming?

Yeah, out there, aw...
Oh.

Look, you'd better hide
behind that boulder.

Why?

Why? 'Cause you're
in your underwear,

and I'm... You know
what I mean.
I'm a straight shooter.

Good.

Oh, please, get behind that
boulder. It won't be long.

As a special favor
to me.

Okay.
Yeah.

But you owe me.

Whoo.

( coyote howling )

REX:
Thank you so much.

Ah!

I though I told you
to hide in the trees.

I heard a
woman's voice.

What? No, you didn't.
That was...

That's just some old
hoot owl, hooting.

Whose cape is this?

Mine. This is just part
of my stuff.

It's cold out here,
don't you think?

Rex, are you okay?

I'm fine, fine,
just fine.

Now, go hide in the trees.
I'll call you when it's safe.

Okay.

Oh, what a night!

Hi. Remember me?

Sure, you're the town drunk.
Yeah.

How do you like
my new outfit?

It's nice, very nice.

So's yours.

Thank you.

Mine's a sidekick outfit.
I know.

And you don't have
a sidekick. Am I right?

That's right.

Well...

What about me?

Now, look, uh, uh...

Peter.

Look, Peter,
I don't have a sidekick.

I ride alone.
That's my style.

But you could use a sidekick,
couldn't you?

No, sorry, but even my theme
song says I ride alone.

( singing ):
Yo-da-la-he,
yo-da-la-he

I ride alone

Change it.

What do you mean,
change it?

It took me four years
to get that right.

It did?

There's no
sidekick opening,

so if you'll excuse me,
I have to...

PETER:
Mr. O'Herlihan, now look,
I could provide comedy relief.

What's going to happen
to me in Oakwood Estates?

I'm just the town drunk.

I want more than that.
I wanna see the world.

I wanna see other towns,
at least.

I told you,
they're all the same.

But you don't know
that for sure.

I do, Peter.

I know lots of things and
one thing I do know for sure

is I can't have a sidekick,

even if I wanted one.

You see, I...

I know what happens.

I know the future.

What?

Look, please go.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I made a fool out
of myself again.

I ought to just go back
to the gutter where I belong.

Aw...
What are you doing?

I'm getting out
of this stupid outfit.

I got my drunk suit
here in the bag.

TRACEY:
Can I have my drink, please?

Who was that?

Just somebody
who wants a drink.

The range is full of them.

I dropped the blanket
in the dark.

That's okay,
I'll find it tomorrow.

TRACEY:
You gave her a blanket?

I had to nearly rape you
for a lousy sherry.

He rides alone?

You're the most un-alone guy
I ever met.

Look, I can explain
all of this.

( suspenseful theme plays )

Oh, no.
( hoofbeats approaching )

Now what?
The sheepherders.

The sheepherders!

Oh, Rex, they can't
see me here.

I'm the cattle baron's
daughter.

You are?

Mm-hm.

SHEEPHERDER:
Mr. Rex.

Over here!

PETER:
Over here!

( in unison ):
Hello.

Hello.

Hello.
Hello.

Uh...

We're a little informal
here tonight.

I wasn't expecting you
till tomorrow.

You know
we were coming?

He knows the future.

Well, why don't you
come on in.

Just grab a seat anywhere.

SHEEPHERDER: Thank you.
REX: Anywhere you like.

Fine, fine. Good, good.

Mr. Rex,
we need your help.

I know.

You do?

Yesterday, in the bar,
they shot my son.

I'm sorry, I didn't know
he was your son.

Oh, please, Mr. Rex,
you must help us!

You are our only hope!

I understand.

Without you,
we are doomed!

I know.

Doomed, I tell you!
Doomed!

Okay, he gets it.
Okay?

What the hell's wrong
with you?

Uh, sir.
Me?

Yes. Don't worry.
I'm going to help you.

Someone like me has
always helped you,

is helping you
and always will be
helping you.

What?

Excuse me,
what is this?

REX:
It's just a root.

Mm. From now on,
I'm the town root junkie.

Sir.
What?

I think you should know the
cattlemen have joined forces

with the railroad guys.

( screams )

If you scream one more time,
I'll tear your heart out.

Do you hear me?

Sir, I cannot defeat
the cattlemen

and the railroad guys
by myself.

I'm going to need the help
of every sheepherder.

Oh, no, Mr. Rex,
we don't fight.

We don't believe in that.

Let the old men who start
the wars fight the wars.

That's our motto.

Well, I'll fight them
by myself. It's not a
big problem.

PETER: No, you won't!

I'll fight them with you.

You and me together, Rex.
No.

Oh, give him
a break, Rex.

He wants it so much.

You know what
I'm saying?

Oh, please!

Then let him fight.
He wants to fight.

He's a young man.
Let him fight.

You need somebody.
Come on,
do something different.

Look, I'm the only one here
that knows what's
going to happen.

SHEEPHERDER:
He wants to fight.
Let him fight.

He's a young man.
He can do it.

TRACEY:
Look at that cute little face.

( indistinct arguing )

PETER:
And that's how me and Rex
actually got together.

I'll never forget
that next day.

( slow travelling
theme plays )

I think at first,
he was trying to get
rid of me.

REX: Come on.

You wanna be a sidekick,
you gotta learn the ropes.

Okay, Rex.

Okay.

( grunts )

REX:
Good. Very good.

( high pitched voice ):
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

( chuckles )

All right. Okay.

Yo-de-lay-he...

( sizzling )

PETER:
But later, he and I
wrote a song together,

and because I could sing
real good,

I started winning him over.

That's great. Great chords.
Let's do it again.

Okay.

I'll get by

I'll wait until
the rivers run dry

If it takes a million years,
girl, I

Will know a million years
can't come too soon

Somehow, somewhere

Our eyes will meet,
and then and there

The sparks will set
a magic night on fire

And I'll lasso

You the moon

That's terrific.

Great!

Come on, come on.
We're going for a swim.

I don't know, Rex.

Ah, there's nothing to it.

I'm a little nervous.
It's just water.

( both yell )

I really had no idea what
this job was all about.

( soft laugh ):
It's not easy.

( Peter laughs )

I'll tell you, Rex,

if it wasn't for these roots,
I bet I'd be sore all over.

Well, time to hit the sack.

Night, Peter.

Pleasant dreams,
Rex.

Hey, Rex.
Hm?

It's a silly question,
I guess,

but do really know
the future?

Yes.

Wanna explain that?

I told you all those towns
are the same.

Yeah.

Well...

the same thing keeps happening
in all these towns.

The bad guys, who are usually
rich for some reason,

are always taking advantage
of the good guys,

who are usually poor.

I ride into town and
join forces with
the good guys,

defeat the bad guys, and then
I ride out. Over and over.

It's my karma, I guess.

Your what?

Uh...

Try to get some sleep, Peter.
Tomorrow's the big shootout.

Okay.

Shootout?
Mm-hm.

PETER: Look, I painted a
circle around Isabel's eye.
What do you think?

REX:
I think you're weird.

PETER:
Rex, about this shootout,
what are your plans?

REX:
Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'll shoot the guns
out of their hands.

Well, uh...

how many
will there be?

I don't know.

Don't know?

I thought you knew the future.
Oh, in general.

In general?

No specifics?
Mm-mm.

Maybe I should buy me
a steel helmet or something.

You wanted
the sidekick job.

( grand, epic theme playing )

I don't see anybody.

This is it.

( rumbling )

( suspenseful theme plays )

Holy mackerel.

I made a mistake.

We can't beat
this many men.

Now...

Now you realize that?

I mean, damn, Rex.

For a guy who knows
the future--

There's just too many
of them.

Usually 40 percent
chicken out.

I didn't think they'd have
this good a turnout.

What are we
going to do?

( sighs )

I'm thinking.
Good.

Good.

Everyone whose birthday occurs
on an even-numbered day,

aim at Rex.

Everyone with an odd-numbered
birthday, aim at the nerd.

I'm going to try
and distract them.

When I give you the word,
you ride away.

No problem.

Ready, aim--

Let me do it. Let me do it.
I want to do it.

Fine, I don't care.

Ready!

Aim!

( suspense theme playing )

( whimsical theme plays )

Oh, he is very good.

( applause and whistles )

Wish my horse could do that.
Me too.

( laughs )

Let's get out of here.

REX: Take off!
Now!

PETER:
Yee-haw!

Well, don't just stand there.
After them, men!

We can't go after them,
colonel. We're up here
on this ridge.

Gee whiz!

You told us
to get up here.

We need to talk.

This is really embarrassing.

PETER: Go, Isabel!

This sort of thing
drove the bad guys crazy.

And they did everything
they could think of

to get rid of us.

Of course, it never worked.

Wow.

Because in the first place,

Rex always knew
what they were going to do

before they did it.

Hey! Good night, boys.
See you tomorrow.

And in the second place,
they were the bad guys,

so they couldn't win.

Jud.

Yes, sir.

Throw another fagot
on the fire.

What?

Another log.
Throw another log on the fire.

Oh! Yes, sir, right away.
Damn.

We know one thing.
What?

Brute force
doesn't work.

He always outsmarts us.

That's right.

That means we've
got to outsmart him.

The problem is,

we are bad and he's good,

so he always beats us.

That's the problem.

Wait a minute.
What?

That's it.

I've got it!

Got what?

A truly great idea!

PETER:
What the colonel had
was a truly great idea.

Of course,
all we knew,

at the time,
was what usually happened.

The bad guys would get
themselves a hired gun

and a shootout would follow.

But I could tell
Rex was getting a little edgy.

It was like he knew something
was going to happen

that hadn't happened before.

When's the showdown?

What?

When's this guy
going to come to town?

Tomorrow.
I fight him tomorrow.

Well, what do you
wanna do now?

You wanna go swimming
or iron shirts? Huh?

Swim or shirts?

You go back to camp, Peter.
I need some time alone.

Oh, come on, Rex.
I need some me time.

Me time?

Hey, hey, how about
I have the girls out?

No.

Don't you like girls, Rex?
Yes!

Yes, I like
them very much.

I'll see you
tonight, Peter.

So long, Rex.

On, Wildfire, on.

( ominous theme playing )

( hoofbeats clomping )

PETER:
...company,
and a saddle for my home

Yo-da-la-he--

All right, let's
take it on home, Miss Tracy.

PETER AND TRACY:
Yo-da-la-he,
yo-da-la-he

I ride...

( in unison ):
Alone

I was good that time.

We'll finally get
this thing right.

Hi, Rex.

Hey, Rex, how's tricks?
You know, tricks.

What's going on here?

Rex, I was lonely.

You were lonely?

You don't know
what lonely is, sport.

May I have
my guitar, please?

I don't suppose you know that
my mother gave me this guitar

and I hold the copyright
on that song you were singing.

No, I didn't.

This is my campsite.
I live here.

I'm the one who
found the spot.

I'm the one who put the rocks
in a circle to make a fire.

Rex, I am completely
out of line.

That's right.

And it won't
ever happen again.

Correct. It won't, Peter.

Relax, Rex,
we all just had a root.

You know, root.

REX:
Oh, good,
my roots!

Go ahead, eat them all.
Have a big old time.

But you're going to
have to excuse me.

Some of us have
a gunfight tomorrow.

Girls, uh...

I think you better
get dressed and go.

He's not himself.

Rex.

Go home, Peter.

Okay.

Okay, I'm fired.

I deserve it.

But... But I just want
to say one thing.

I hope you shoot
Mr. Barber in both hands.

Who?

Barber.

Bob Barber.

Bob Barber?

Yeah, that's what
the colonel's daughter
called him.

Not Bad Bob Barber?

Bothersome Bob Barber?

Bob "The Butcher" Barber?

No.

No, just Bob.

Oh.

Look, I'll see you later.

It's been fun.

( rousing Western theme
playing )

MAN:
I can see by your outfit
that you are a cowboy

You can see by my outfit

I'm a cowboy too--
( boot stomps )

( clock chiming )

Hello, Rex.

Bob? Bob Barber?

Yep.

Though some folks call me
Wrangler Bob Barber.

Nice outfit.

Thanks. So is yours.

Just something
I threw together.

Same here.

You don't wear the same outfit
every day?

No, that's boring.

Yeah.

Ever face another
good guy before?

No.

Me neither.

Kind of makes you wonder
what will happen.

I guess the good guy will win,
just like always.

Yep. Except
we're both good guys.

Then I reckon the most good
good guy will win.

That's the way I figure too.

Yep.

( spurs jingling )

( spurs jingling )

You can't beat me, Bob.
You work for the colonels.

That makes me the most good.
I don't see how I can lose.

Yeah. But I don't drink
whiskey with hair in it.

Me neither. I just buy it.

And I don't have
the colonel's daughter,

who's practically a minor,

out to my campsite
after dark.

Well, that was wrong,
I admit, but--

In the company
of a known prostitute

and a notorious alcoholic.

Yeah, you see, but they--

True or false?
True, but--

And there were drugs present?

Well, you could say that.

Yes or no?

Yes! What are you, a lawyer?

Used to be, yeah.

Look, I know this
all sounds bad, but it's--

You did all this stuff,

and you still
call yourself a good guy?

Yeah. Yeah,
you're damn right I do.

You don't have to curse.

I'll curse if I want to!

Damn, damn, hell, damn,

tee-tee, doo-doo.
( giggling )

( gasps )

Now hold on there,
little buckaroos.

You can't
be hearing language like that.

Get on back to school,
obey your teachers
and study really hard.

Nice going.

I also understand you're 31,
single and don't even date.

What?
The colonel told me.

What exactly are you
getting at?
Nothing.

Except you and I both know
in order to be a good guy,

you gotta be
a confident heterosexual.

A what?

A confident heterosexual.

Well, of course I know that.
Everybody knows that.

Come on, let's draw. I'm going
to shoot you in both hands.

Okay. Since we're
both good guys,

neither of us
can draw first.

I'll count down
from five.

Let's go.

Five, four...

You said,
"a confident heterosexual"?

Yes.

I thought it was
just a heterosexual.

No, no, it's a confident
heterosexual.

You're sure?
I'm sure.

I didn't know that.

Ah. Hm.

Well, don't worry, Rex,
I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm just going to shoot the
guns out of your hands.

Rather you shoot me
in the heart.

You know I can't do that.

Five.

Four.

Confident.

Three.

Two.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Uh,

I can't fight you today.

Uh, I'll fight you tomorrow
or, or maybe Thursday.

Yeah, Thursday would be good.
I'll see you then.

( melancholy theme plays )

PETER:
And Rex backed down,
first time ever.

And right away,
everybody got down on him.

Coward!

MAN: Pervert!

MAN 2: Libertine!

PETER:
You know how people are.

They're probably just
like this in your hometown.

Free thinker!

Homo!

( crowd yelling )

No!

No! Hey, you!

Never mind.

Hey, you! You can't talk
to my friend like that!

( smash )

Well, what are
you going to do?

Where will you go?

I don't know.

I'm certainly not
the good guy anymore.

I guess the first thing
I'll do is get some
new clothes.

Understated stuff,
lots of browns.

Then I guess
I'll have to sell Wildfire.

What?

I have to. He's too good
a horse for me now.

Hey. Hey, Rex.

Let's get the targets and
go practice. What do you say?

Peter, practice doesn't have
anything to do with it.

It's all psychological.

If you're confident,
you win.

If you're not confident,
you lose.
And I'm not confident.

About what?

About...

About...

You know what my life is like.
I'm on the road all the time.

So, you know,
I kiss the girls, and then
I leave, and...

That's all I do.
I just kiss them.

It never gets any
further than that.

This is 1884. You gotta date
and date and date and date

and sometimes marry them
even before they'll...

You know.

Now, wait a minute.

You mean,
you've never...

Never.

My God, Rex.

You are a good guy.

He wouldn't fight.

He's scared.

It's a combination of guilt
and insecurity.

It's obvious that he's not at
all at home with
his sexuality.

What?
His sexuality.

Oh.

Well,

that definitely finishes him
as a good guy.

You can't be a good guy
and scared.

Well, I'm not so sure.

I want him taken care of
permanently.

Bob, you've got
to go out and get him.

I can't.

If he's backed down,
I can't go after him.
It wouldn't be nice.

Then we've got to draw him
back to you.

How?

Do something
despicable to him.

Something so rotten
he'll have to come back in.

Naturally, I can't have
a hand in any of that.

Of course, of course.

Cookie?
Thanks.

PETER:
Rex must have known
something was up,

because he took special
precautions with my safety.

But he didn't care about
himself.

He even threw away his guns.

True to their word, the bad
guys did something despicable.

Something that
really made Rex mad...

and didn't
amuse me much, either.

MAN:
Hey, drunk!

Peter!

( mournful theme playing )

( guns cocking )

( triumphant theme playing )

On, Wildfire. On!

( dog barking wildly )

( laughing giddily )

( screams )

Oh, good morning, Mr. Rex.

Get your rifle and
come with me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Rex.
I cannot do that.

Let the old men who start
the wars fight the wars.

Either you get your rifle
and come with me,

or I'll shoot your wife
in the shoulder.

( screams )

( ominous theme playing )

( triumphant theme playing )

( yells )

BOY: He's coming!

He's coming!

He's coming!

And he's standing
in the saddle!

Standing
in the saddle?

It's not important.

It means nothing.
He's just showing off.

( horses neighing
in distance )

COLONEL:
It looks like he's brought
some folks with him.

( crowd reacts to smell )

I'm back, Bob.

Morning, Rex.

Nice to see you.

Now!

( gunshot )

( man groaning )

Ow! Oh...

Yee-haw!

Just like you said, Rex!

( yelling )

What?! Oh, now,
wait just a minute here.

This really came
out of the blue.

We shot that guy yesterday.

Twice.
Twice!

With shotguns.
I mean, come on!

You think Rex O'Herlihan
doesn't know

that his sidekick always
gets killed? Huh? Huh?

Why do you think he didn't
hire me right away?

Why do you think he made
me wear this? Ha, ha!

Wake up,

you jugheads.

He's always two steps
ahead of guys like you.

Rex, I didn't know about
the man on the roof.

I had absolutely nothing
to do with this.

I don't approve
of your actions here today.

We're going to have
to talk about it.

I'm tired of talking.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

REX:
Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

There's no reason for anybody
to get involved in this

except for Bob and me.

Little late, big guy.

All my men are dead.

Every single one of them.

Who's going to build
the railroad now?

Forget about the railroad.

Forget the railroad?

That's very simple
for you to say.

We'll talk later.

No. We'll talk now!

I think
you are overbearing.

And I think
he is... boring.

And I wish I had never gotten
involved in any of this.

Auf wiedersehen!

Well, Rex,
you wanna call it off?

No.

You started this.
I'm going to finish it.

Five...

Still got
the same problems.

Four...

We could just walk
away from it.
Three.

Whatever you want.

Two.
Violence is no solution.

One.

( dramatic, suspenseful theme
building )

You're not a good guy at all.

I'm a lawyer, you idiot!

Rex.

Rex,

you shot him in the head.

How do you feel about that?

I missed his hand.

Rex. Rex!

Rex, are you all right?

Yeah.

Just let me rest here
for a while.

Let me close my eyes.

Rex.

Rex, don't die on me.

Please, Rex, please!

I'll be all right, Peter.

Believe me, I know.

( voices harmonize )

Hot diggity!

He's going to be all right,
everybody. He knows!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Rex?

I can't help but feel
a little responsible

for what's happened
here today.

Would a totally
sincere "sorry" do?

Well, it's a start, colonel.

It's a good start.

Thanks, Rex.

Boy, is he nice.
DOCTOR: Let me through.

Let me through. I'm a doctor.

That leg's going to have
to come off for sure.

Take him to my office, boys.

PETER:
Take it easy, you cow patties.
Don't you hurt him!

Peter?
Right here, Rex

Get me a root, quick.
On my way.

Oh, Peter!
Yeah, Rex.

I need a clean shirt.
Coming up.

A blue one.

The cobalt blue one with
the white suede
yokes and cuffs.

Right, Rex.

Not the turquoise one
with the white fringe.

Oh, no, no, no.

Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!

Hey, everybody,
big party at my house!

Hey, hey, hey, it's bring
your own. I'm serious now.

Bring your own!

PETER:
These things always
ended with a party.

All the main characters
would show up.

Music would be playing.

Guys who were supposed to be
dead would be walking around.

Yeah, everybody had
a big old time.

I'm not gone two minutes,
and you throw a party.

Uh, Peter, listen.
Yeah?

I'd like you to get the
colonels and the ladies out
front for me.

Sure. How come?

I wanna say goodbye.
It's time I was moving on.

It's time we were moving on.
Uh, Peter.

Oakwood Estates is your home.
You belong here.

Baloney! I'm going
with you, Rex.

It's too dangerous.

Rex. Rex,
I'll be all right.

I'll wear my bulletproof
vest all the time,

even when we go swimming.

Peter, we were
lucky this time.

I can't have
your death on my hands.

Rex--

I couldn't deal with it,
so, please,
don't make me. Okay?

Well, uh...

Will you write?

Sure, of course I will.

Will you be back?

Hey, I'm on a circuit,
aren't I?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll meet you
out front.

Yeah.

Okay.

So long, colonel.
So long, Rex.

COLONEL:
So long, silly dresser.
I'm going to miss you.

Oh...

While we were in
the doctor's office together,

we did more
than just talk.

I'm...
I'm getting better.

( hoofbeats clomping )

( bittersweet theme playing )

Now, is that perfect or what?

The last of the silver
screen cowboys

Screw it!

I'm going with him!

Adiós, buckaroos!

I knew that would happen.

Oh, Daddy,
we all did.

This is what America
still needs

Rex!

The last of the silver
screen cowboys

Standing tall for what
he believes is right

Don't push him around 'cause
more than one villain's found

And he don't back down
from a fight

Roy and Trigger,
we loved you

And Hoppy,
we saved up our dimes

For the Saturday
double features

And we sat through
both movies two times

Gene, Lash and Rex
were our heroes

We knew good
would win in the end

If we could just
turn back the pages

( hoofbeats clomping )

And ride those
old trails once again

( song ends )

I know you're
out there somewhere

'Cause I've held
you in my dreams

And I'm waiting for

The day it all comes true

So close and yet so far away

You'll be more
than just a dream someday

I'll hold you in my arms

But till I do

I'll get by

I'll wait until
the rivers run dry

If it takes
a million years, girl

I know a million years
can't come too soon

Somehow, somewhere

Our eyes will meet
and then and there

The sparks will set
a magic night on fire

And I'll lasso you

The moon

( song ends )