All language subtitles for Jerks Of All Trades (1949)

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(organ music)

(audience clapping)

- [Announcer] (laughing)
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's the Three Stooges,
for mirth and madness.

- I'm Moe.

- [Announcer] Simple and screwy.

- I'm Shemp.

- [Announcer] Loony
and ludicrous.

- I'm Larry.

- [Announcer] Yes,
the Three Stooges,

are still gentlemen.

When it comes to any
kind of business,

they're dry as monkeys.

With this dry monkey business,

tonight, it's
interior decorating.

- Hey, egghead, I'm
ready to dictate.

- Yes sir?

- Get away from here.

What's the matter with
you, are you an idiot,

an imbecile, a moron?

(laughing)

- What are you laughing at?

- Eight to five, I'm
in there someplace.

- Come on, get over there
and straighten up the files.

Hey, broccoli-head, come here,

do you think you
can take a letter?

- I don't think, I know.

- I don't think you know
either, but go ahead.

Dear sir.

What do you got so far?

- How do you spell sir?

- In your case, C-U-R.

Continue.

We are receipt of your letter
of the sixteenth in a reply.

(groaning)

Remind me to send your
head to the cleaners

with the rest of the flatwork.

Get away from here.

- Alright, I'll use pen and
ink, that's what I'll do.

(knocking)

- [All] (singing) Come
in, come in, come in.

- Pardon me, gentlemen.

- Oh, yes?

- I'm Mr. Pennyfeather,
are you gentlemen

painters and paper hangers?

- Are we painters
and paper hangers?

- Are we painters
and paper hangers?

- Are we?

(groaning)

- Why, you clumsy fools.

- Oh, we're so sorry.

- My clothes are
all full of ink.

- Oh, we'll fix it up, Larry?

Now, take it easy,

that's a nice rate of
Gabardine that you have there.

- Be careful with it then.

- [Larry] Alright, stand by.

- I knew it, I
knew I had it, see.

- What is that?

- Ink remover.

- Ink remover, but look at this.

- Oh, we'll have
that off in a jiffy.

You don't need that
pocket any how.

Go ahead.

- Why, certainly.

(fabric tearing)

- My best suit, and
look at my shirt.

(crying)

(fabric tearing)

- There you go, you
don't need that anyway.

- Look here, Nickelfeather.

- Pennyfeather.

- Do you realize,
you've just struck

one of the toughest
men from the state of

(all clapping) Texas?

Go ahead, tell him.

- Now, look it here neighbor.

- Now, wait a minute
there, Nickelfeather.

- Pennyfeather.

- You have again
sullied the fair name

of the great sovereign state
of (all clapping) Texas.

Order him off of the premises.

- You heard what
I told you before.

(groaning)

- Hike, hike, hike.

- Out.

(crashing)

Bullseye.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello, how are ya?

- Fine, oh, it's you.

I didn't even know.

- Quiet.

Get outta here.

Oh hello?

Hello?

- [Woman] Is this the
Miracle Paint Company?

- Yes it is and our motto
is if it's a good paint job

it's a miracle.

What can we do for you madame?

- [Woman] Well I'd like
to have my house painted

and wall papered in a hurry.

- Well that's how
we do everything.

- Are your prices reasonable?

- We charge what the
traffic will bare.

Just a minute, how's
the traffic today?

(cars honking)

- Heavy.

- That'll be a hundred dollars.

- [Woman] Your prices are crazy.

- So is the California traffic.

- [Woman] Well how
soon can you be over?

- Hold it.

Get the color book
out of the file.

Why we can be right over.

- [Woman] The address
is 442 Smith Street.

- We'll be right over.

- I can get this.

Oh.

What the?

(groaning)

- Can't open a
little file drawer.

How did you ever get so stupid?

- I got a charge account,
what's your excuse?

- Remind me to lower your
salary and raise your forehead.

Get outta here.

(groaning)

That's a queer contraption.

- Yeah, ain't that quaint.

- Ain't?

- Yeah.

- You mean isn't?

- Isn't the quisn't?

- See, that's the way to do it.

You gotta use your head.

- I saw it and it's good
for ya, good for ya.

Step aside and let an
intelligent man show ya how.

- Intelligent?

- Yeah.

- How did you get so smart?

- I went to college,
I graduated.

Went to Swedish Massage College.

- Why didn't you go
into that business?

- I couldn't find
enough Sweds to massage.

- Nevermind, open that thing.

- Why certainly, go ahead.

- He opened it all right.

- We gotta get going.

- Wait a minute.

We gotta take our
paint supplies with us.

- Oh the paint.

- Come on.

- Make way.

- I gotta get my hat.

- You get the painting
book outta the file.

It's open now.

- Ow, oh my arm.

My arm, oh my arm.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's open.

- Oh, here's the coloring book.

- Culinary Arts,
Culinary Arts, Painting.

I always thought culinary
arts was about cooking.

- Shows you how
wrong you can be.

Culinary arts has got
to do with colors.

- Yeah, you have
something there.

- Where?

- Nevermind we gotta get
over to the ladies house

in a hurry.

Let's go.

(upbeat music)

(audience clapping)

- Darling I never
went through anything

like I did this afternoon with
those confounded painters.

I hope I never see them again.

- Don't worry dear, I
have some other painters

coming over right away.

- Good, good.

They're not from
(clapping) Texas are they?

- What difference
would that make?

- You'd be surprised.

Are they coming over soon?

You know how important
it is after all I have...

- Yes dear I know, you're
bringing the boss home

for dinner and you
don't want him to see

this old torn wall paper
and these soiled walls

he saw 100 times.

- Well my boss is peculiar.

He likes everything
spic and span.

- Tell him to go
jump in the lake.

- He prefers the ocean.

- Nevermind.

Now run along dear
and don't worry,

I've taken out most
of the furniture

so the men can
get right to work.

- Good.

- Goodbye dear.

Where are those painters?

We haven't much time.

Only four hours.

(knocking)

That must be the painters now.

What have you been doing?

And you, you over
there, take those pots

off that chair.

That's a genuine Duncan Fife.

- Duncan Fife eh, I'll take
them off don't worry about it.

(groaning)

- What's the matter?

- That Duncan should be careful
where he leaves his fife.

- Oh I would like to
introduce my two assistants.

This is Monsieur Shemp.

When it comes to blending
colors, he's a mix master.

- He is?

- Yeah sometimes we
stand him in the bowl

and make a cake with him.

- Charmed, I'm sure.

- Come on, get outta here.

Oh and this Monsieur Larry.

Master paper hanger.

Everywhere he's recognized
as a great paper hanger.

- Oh really?

- Oh yes.

Everywhere I go they say
this guy should hang.

Charmed.

- And I of course head
this outfit lock, stock,

and barrel.

- He's the barrel.

(groaning)

- This is outrageous.

Get to work at
once you roughians.

- Now take it easy lady.

Let's not be in a hurry.

You know what the great man
said about being in a hurry?

Well I forgot his name.

Anyhow he said, how
do you like that?

I forgot what he said.

- Yeah well nevermind, now look.

I want this room done
in robin's egg blue.

- Lady, we ain't got no
time to go out robbing eggs.

- Oh shut up, here's
the coloring book.

- Before we look at a
color book Monsieur Shemp

is an expert, tell
us confidentially
what in your opinion

would make this room
look inviting, livable

and good to the eye?

- Confidentially?

- Yeah.

- Just a minute.

Who's the guy next to ya?

- Why it's you.

- That's okay then.

I can be trusted.

Now what did you wanna know?

- I said what in your
opinion would make this room

look inviting, livable
and good to the eye?

- Food, drink, and
a couple of dames.

- My word.

- What's the matter with him?

- I think he's getting better.

We'd better take
him to a doctor.

His brain's clearing up.

- You have to excuse
his manners ma'am.

- Oh thank you, at least
there's one gentleman

in your midst.

- You said it babe.

- Ow.

- Pardon me, now for
the colors you want,

let's look at this
culinary book.

- I can't understand it.

It says mix vinegar
and salad oil.

Then add lettuce, tomatoes
and diced carrots.

What kind of paint is that?

- Why lady, ain't you
heard of vegetable dyes?

- Yeah, I'll go to the
vegetables and get them.

- Now if you don't
like that mixture

we have many more
to suit your taste.

- Now oh here's a dilly.

It says here you take
chopped apples, walnuts,

mayonnaise, and dip
in french dressing.

- Well you're not gonna
use that in my house.

- Why not?

When you don't feel like cooking

you can eat off the walls.

- Off the walls?

- Why certainly,
a Waldorf salad.

I got that outta my own head.

- You'd better put it back
before somebody steps on it.

- Well here's the vegetables.

What color do you
want for that wall?

- Wait a minute, please.

- How about nice tomato red?

- Tomato red.

- Not on my wall.

- Oh.

- Not in my house.

- Hold that, thanks.

Get outta here.

- Good for you.

- Thank you, you get outta here.

These guys messing around.

Hold it, hold it.

We got nothing left to
put on the walls now.

We'll have to go back
to regular paint.

- Well thank heavens.

Now gentlemen, will
you please hurry?

My husband and his boss
are coming to dinner

and the whole house
must be finished

before they get here.

- Don't worry madame, what
do you want us to do first?

- Well I want that wall
papered and that one painted.

- You heard what the
lady said, get going.

- That wall papered
and that one painted.

- [Moe] I think we put a
gorgeous pink on this side

it might straighten
the thing up.

And of course if we take
a nice mustard brown

from ceiling to thing,
blending expert,

blend them both together.

Now then, if we take
and make that door

an old rose, we can
of course take it

with a mustard brown
and wave it right

and we can blend all
those things together.

Down it comes here,
we'll set the whole thing

by perhaps putting a
dash of lavender over

the whole thing to make is a
kind of a modernistic thing.

- [Larry] Gotta use your head
to get this thing up here.

I know what I'm doing
here, I know that.

- There it is.

Now that is what
you call efficiency.

When we get through,
this room will be

the greatest room from
the rock bound coast

of Margerie Maine to the
sunny slopes of Lana Turner.

- Good, oh by the way, do
you think you can repair

that picture?

It's a painting of my
daughter done by Whistler.

Surely you've heard of Whistler?

- Oh sure I listen to his
radio program all the time.

Now don't worry ma'am
I'll take care of it.

- Well thank you.

Now I'll leave you
boys to get to work

and please hurry.

- Yes ma'am.

Hey fellas, come here.

You think we can fix that?

- I don't see anything
wrong with it right now.

- What a babe.

- Wait a minute.

Remember we are gentlemen
first and our feelings

come second.

- Well let's get outta
first and shift into second.

- Oh boy, oh.

(yelling)

What happened, what happened?

- Boys, boys.

I forgot to tell you,
please be very careful

with that table.

It's a very fine, old table.

- All right.

We'll make it look
like new again.

Start on the table
first boys, let's go.

All right.

(humming)

- Hey, hey.

You were never cut out
to be a painter brother.

- Oh, that's just
a means to an end.

(singing)

- Oh, oh.

- Hey stop it.

Don't you realize
what you're doing?

- What I'm doing?

- Get busy.

(humming)

- What's going on here?

Will you please
stop that singing?

What are you doing
here, boom boom.

You're standing up there.

- Wait a minute, no, no.

It's his fault.

No you don't.

- Come out, boom.

You guys go in and
paint the bedroom.

I'll handle this, go on.

(knocking)

Come in.

Yes?

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney
Pressure Cooker Company,

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

We make the finest
pressure cookers.

- [Larry] Hey Moe, come
in here and help us

with the paint will ya?

- Quiet.

Can't come in now, I'm
talking to a salesman.

What'd you say bud?

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney
Pressure Cooker Company,

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

We make the finest
pressure cookers.

- [Larry] Hey Moe, what
color paint should I use

in this bedroom?

Can I use the blue to
match the lady's eyes

or the brown to match her hair?

- Use the green to match
her complexion (laughing).

Pretty funny prank, eh bud?

- Yeah.

How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Puxsutawney
Pressure Cooker Company

or Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

We make the finest
pressure cookers.

- [Larry] Hey Moe come in
here and help us will ya?

- Stop bothering me, I'm busy.

What'd you say bud?

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney
Pressure Cooker Company

of Punxsutawney...

- Wait a minute.

Why do you keep
saying the same words

over and over again?

Is this your
magnificent obsession?

- No, you see that's
the way they teach us

down at the office.

- Well why don't you try
saying it in your own words?

It might be a little
more convincing.

- Oh okay, I'll try.

Now you see this
little valve here?

Well the steam goes around,
monkeys around in here

and then it, well
it, well you see,

the steam, well you
see the bottom here?

How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney
Pressure Cooker Company

of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

- Aw, so this is
why you're so busy?

- Yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

- Oh I caught you man,
trying to get away

without washing eh?

- Yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

- Oh yeah?

- Oh yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

- Oh yeah?

- Oh yeah.

- Go ahead bud.

- My name is Fink.

What are you doing?

Hey, that's a pressure cooker.

That's a might fine item bud.

- It is?

- Yeah, with that thing
you can make a beef stew

in two minutes.

- You can?

- Yeah and in four
minutes you make

a whole turkey dinner.

- Heavens, I think I'd
like to have one of those.

- A small deposit will hold it.

- All right, here's
five dollars.

- You hold it.

- My wife has always
wanted one of these.

(audience clapping)

- We seem to attract
the oddest people.

- Yeah, that guy
reminds me of my uncle.

He was an igloo manufacturer.

- An igloo manufacturer?

How do you manufacture igloos?

- Simple, you just take two
igs and glue them together.

- Goodness, aren't
you boys working yet?

- How do you do?

I represent...

- Quiet.

- Get to work.

- You heard what the
lady said, get to work.

- And what are you going to do?

- Nothing, what about it?

- I just thought I'd ask.

- I gotta do this right,
I was afraid of that.

Oh, I can see like an owl now.

- We gotta get that
wall papering done boys.

Get a move on now.

- I'm stirring it,
don't worry about it.

- All right, come on.

Right there.

- We are very efficient.

- That's it, that's
the way we go.

- Bring it over boy,
come on, bring it over.

That looks great
now, believe me,

that looks fine.

- I do think the painters
will be finished soon.

- Good, good, the boss will
be here in a half hour.

- I'm serving buffet style.

- That's all right too darling.

- Hey buddy, would
you mind holding this?

(yelling)

- Oh Clara Belle, darling?

I'm so sorry.

How can I undo the wrongs
that have been done?

Let's see here fellas.

- Hey, this paste
is getting lumpy.

- Yeah, yeah.

(yelling)

- Hey listen, what'd he say?

(mumbling)

- Hey nitwit?

- Yeah?

- Come on, get this
paper off of him.

- [Shemp] I'll take it off
ya, hold still there a minute.

Go ahead, hold still.

- Careful.

- Hey what's the matter with
ya, you nuts are something?

Why you.

Clean him up, that's
all your fault.

- All right, I'll clean him up.

Hold still there, hold
still there, now watch out,

go ahead, all right now.

He's got tender skin.

- Be very careful with it.

- All right.

- You, you, you
(clapping) Texas.

- It's Water Feather.

- Pennyfeather.

I'll get all of you.

You, you imbecile.

You're the one who hired them.

- Call me an imbecile.

- Yes.

- Catch.

- Where did they go?

Where did they go,
I'll find them.

Wait, wait til I get my hands
on those three moronic stupid.

Ah, ah, ah, ah,
not that way boys,

that's the kitchen.

This is the way out.

- Oh, thanks.

Say, you're not mad at us?

- Of course not.

- Well it was a pleasure
to do your painting

and paper hanging.

- And it's a
pleasure to do yours.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

(groaning)

(audience clapping)

(upbeat organ music)

- [Announcer] And so
ends the episode in which

our Three Stooges tried their
luck as interior decorators

and met with misfortune.

However, will they be cowards
and never try it again?

Are they spineless
jellyfish, quitters?

- You bet your life we are.

(upbeat organ music)

(audience clapping)