All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s17e08 The Golden Bachelor Live.eng

My name is Frank.

I've had a great life,
a family, lots of friends, adventures,

but I'm ready for a change.

One last shot
at finding true love.

I'm hoping this is it.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Hi.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you and good evening,
Bachelor nation.

I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome

to The Golden Bachelor
season finale.

Of course, we are coming
to you live from Los Angeles

as Frank's journey to find
the love of his life

comes to a dramatic conclusion.

Now admittedly, the crew
nor the producers were prepared

to host a Bachelor as eccentric

as Frank Reynolds.

In fact, this is the first
season in Bachelor history

where we considered ending
the entire franchise altogether.

But, boy, are we glad
we didn't,

because Frank captured
our hearts,

and tonight is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Will Frank find
true love again?

All I can say is that you'll
have to see it to believe it.

So let's take a look back
at the season's highlights

where Frank started
in a very different place

than where we find him today.

[audience cheer]

Let's get this show
on the road.

Can't wait to find a Grade A,
prime cut piece of ****.

To love.

Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher
around the edges than we're accustomed to.

[laughs] All right,
so where are all the broads?

I dropped a couple of blueys.

This baby's got
about a half hour

to perform like, pew,

and then that's it.
So, let's hurry up.

Okay, the first car is
arriving now.

Okay, all right, good.
The first car.

Oh, my God,
I'm getting a chubby.

Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Ooh. Here it comes.
I'm anticipating this...

Oh, let's see, yeah.

- Uh, nope.
- Excuse me?

- No. No. Nope.
- [Jesse] Frank, Frank.

[Frank] Pass, pass, pass,
it's a pass.

You can walk by.
You can keep on going.

Just walk on by. That's it.

Next, next, next.
Bring the next one in.

- Uh-uh.
- Frank.

No, no. Absolutely not.

No, no. Pass on. Next.
Let's go to the next one.

Next one,
this is not working out. What's going on?

Frank, there's a time for this.
It's just not right now.

All right,
bring the next one on, bring the next one on.

I'm starting to get nervous.

What do we got?

Holy... Oh...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, pass, pass, pass.

Are all these whores
gonna be this old?

Why did I do this?
I don't know what's the matter with me.

What the **** did I do?

Everyone that got out
of the car, I mean, they were, like, crackling.

I mean, you could hear
their **** crackling.

[imitates cracking]

- It was like, just, old meat.
- Frank,

honestly, you didn't understand
the premise of this show?

Well, I knew there would
be a couple of duds,

but I thought
you Hollywood people were all about diversity.

Well, there's gonna be women
of every ethnicity here.

Age. Diversity of age.

Frank, the show's called
The Golden Bachelor.

[stammers]
Golden Bachelor, my ****.

I'm **** out of here
unless I find something

coming out of that car
that I like.

[scoffs]
You gotta do something.

- You ever watch TikTok?
- Yeah, of course.

Well, you ever...
you ever hear of Cock Chewa?

- Cock Chewa?
- Cock Chewa...

[Jesse] And so in a series
of Golden Bachelor firsts,

we caved into Frank's demands.

I saw this trash on TikTok.

Her name was Cock Chewa.

Her catchphrase was,
"Chew on that thang."

I had to have her.

My heart's beating
a mile a minute.

Let's see what happens.

Oh, oh, oh.

What's coming out? [gasps]

Oh! It's her. That's her.
[giggles] That's her!

- Hey, y'all! [laughs]
- [Frank laughs]

- Chew on that thang.
- Chew on that thang!

- Chew on that thang.
- [Frank] Okay. She's it. She's the one.

- Wait, what? What?
- [Frank] I picked her.

- Yeah, she's it.
Okay, that's it. - [Jesse] Wait, what?

- I choose her. Yes.
- I get paid for this, right?

Yeah, the game's over.
We can take her.

No, no, no, Frank. It's only
the first episode, okay?

We have to go through
this whole process,

otherwise
there can't be a show.

- [stammers] All right, well,
you get paid. - Yeah.

It's the first night,

so you're gonna have
to wait a little while

- to chew on that thang.
- Chew on that thang.

- [laughs] Chew on that thang.
- Okay, let's just keep it moving here.

Oh, baby, am I boned up.
Okay, here let's go.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

Oops, I thought you said
we were done with the old ones.

Uh, hi. Very nice
to see you, you know. But no.

- But no. Okay, so anyway, pass.
- Oh.

But, you know, go on inside
and keep warm.

I'll get you out of here ASAP.

You're kidding me.
This cretin is the bachelor?

I got better looking boils.

[cackles] That was a good one.
You got me there. You got me there.

Well, maybe I'll keep this one
around just to entertain me.

She got me with that...
That was very...

She's good. Let's lump her in
with the other one.

We'll see how it goes.
That was funny. She was pretty funny.

Oh. Oh. What's this?
I thought I said no dudes.

Oh, I have an Amazon Prime
delivery for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.

- Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me.
- Okay.

Yeah, that's me.
Oh, yeah, this... Thank you.

Oh, my, my, that was so fast.

Amazon Prime deliveries
are so fast.

Frank, what are you doing?
You can't bring your own plugs.

Yeah... I... No, we...
No plugs. Their items are very meaningful to me.

I am fired up about Chewy.
That's a broad I could spend my life with.

And the other one's good too.
They both got mouths on 'em.

One's an on-ramp,
one's an off-ramp.

I'm leaning toward
the 20-year-old.

Since Frank had already chosen
his final two,

we had to get creative
with the situations we put them in.

[Frank] So, uh, where you from?

Gang, gang. [laughs]

Chew, chew. [gnaws]

[imitates baby crying]

Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.

[blows raspberry]
That's a butthole.

Thank you, y'all. Thank you.

[stammering] What's that?
What are you doing?

I'm making money
on a live stream.

- Huh?
- Gang, gang. [grunts]

- [imitates dog]
- You're making...

- [grunting]
- So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.

- [blows raspberry]
- [stammers]

- Well, what kind of music
do you like? - Thank you.

[gnawing]

[Frank] The conversation
was a little rough.

I didn't know what the hell
she was doing with the phone.

I guess people pay her
to respond to emojis?

I was losing my patience.

[imitating baby crying]
Gang, gang. Chew, chew. Chew. [gnaws]

Look, if we don't bang soon,
I'm gonna boot you off the show.

- Well, that worked
like a charm. - All right.

[Frank] We banged three times
that night.

And on some kind
of OnlyFans live stream thing.

Made 12 grand.
It was incredible.

Except for the chewing. [huffs]

That was weird as hell.

I-I thought it was more of a catch
phrase than an actual method. [gnawing]

Where the **** is he?

- Wow. I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hey.

I had to dump out big time.
[scoffs]

Oh, well, that makes two of us.

Just got here myself.

Took the liberty of ordering us
the seafood linguine.

- Oh. Strong choice.
I like that. - [chuckles] Uh-huh.

- Yeah? [chuckles]
- Yeah, yeah.

So... Hmm. Mm-mmm.

What now?

Ah. Well...

we could get the linguine
to go, go back to your place.

I would say we bang
at my place,

but I don't want
you hanging around after.

- You get it.
- What makes you think I'm gonna bang you?

All right, we bang
after dinner. [stammers]

- Eh, make love.
- Hmm.

Yeah. So what's your deal?
Were you ever married?

If you must know.

[sighs] My husband's dead.

You knock him off?

They say he got chomped in two
by a great white

while he was snorkeling
off the coast of Maine.

Ooh, wicked.

Personally, I think
he was smuggling drugs down from Canada,

got chainsawed by some cartel.

They only found
the bottom half.

Nasty.

Mmm. Nasty business.

Did you keep the dong?

Of course I did.

I had it pickled
and put in a jar.

- Yeah.
- Wow...

That's what
I would have wanted.

- Hmm.
- Wow. Beautiful.

Hmm.

[Frank] I have to say
I enjoyed the conversation.

We talked all night,
didn't even bang.

Which is probably better
because my cock was chewed to ****.

So Frank was left
with a dilemma.

Who was he gonna choose?

And for that
he turned to his family.

But in a bizarre turn
of events,

the producers learned
that his family was not his family at all.

- He had hired actors
to play them. - [audience gasp]

These people are maniacs.
You don't understand.

I was afraid they were gonna
embarrass me on national television.

So Frank was concerned
that his real family would embarrass him.

It was time to go
to his hometown:

Philadelphia.
The birthplace of our nation.

Could it be the birthplace
of a new love?

Things were off
to a rocky start.

I was terrified to have Sam
and Chewy meet the gang.

But I have to admit,
they played it really cool.

Well, here we are.

I'm so excited to see Frank.

Oh, I'm just excited
to meet the ladies.

If Frank likes them,
I'll like them.

Wonder where they are.
[chuckles]

I, too, am feeling things.

Well, speak of the dev...
[stammers] Uh, speak of Frank.

[chuckles]

- Hello.
- [chuckles] Hi. Hi.

- [sighs] Well, here we are.
- [Dee] Uh-huh.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

I was really nervous
that you guys were gonna be mad

about the whole
fake family thing.

- Oh. [chuckles]
- [blows raspberry, sighs]

- Frank, forget it, huh?
- Oh, no. Please, we get it.

- I don't care.
- You were nervous.

- Yeah.
- I'm passed that.

Yeah, I want you to know
how happy we are for both of you and for Frank.

- Well, thank you.
- We just want what's best for everyone.

- [Dee] That's right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, Frank, should we take
your dates and get to know them a little better?

Oh.

- Okay. Uh, all right.
Play nice. - [chuckles]

[chuckles] Play nice.

- [laughs] Well, we always play nice.
- He's a funny guy, right?

- He's so funny.
- A joker.

Okay, listen, bitch.
You are not getting the money.

Yeah, you're too old
to have a baby.

And if you try and adopt,
so help me God,

we will snuff that thing out
like a cigarillo.

- Hmm.
- [whispers] You're on television.

- [scoffs, chuckles]
- Please.

I think we all know
Disney's never gonna air this.

- No, but you will have
heard it. - [Sam] What?

So listen to me
and listen good.

You are not getting our money.

I have my own money.

You do?

Explain yourself.

I got chicken money
and plenty of it too.

So whatever Frank's got,
he can just keep it.

I made my own fortune
on the backs of others.

I don't need to be pulling it
out of an old man's pocket.

- Chicken money.
- Chicken money, huh?

The chicken money comment
was a bit of a relief, you know?

- Not that I trust her.
- Well, no, that's true.

We're not really
the trusting kind, you know?

But if she does have
this so-called "chicken money",

then we wouldn't mind, uh...

[smacks lips]
Wetting our beaks.

Did you see that?
I didn't have to say it.

She-She walked right into it.

Dee's a bird.

[Mac] Uh... [stammers]
...Chewy. May I call you Chewy?

- Yeah.
- Chewy, we are a vibe.

And we need to know
how you're gonna fit in.

You know, I think
it's important that whoever

we bring into the fold fits
with our dynamic.

Oh, I love the gays.
I'll chew on that thang.

That doesn't make any sense.
Moreover, it sickens me.

[stammers] What is this?
How is this gonna work?

Like, there's no room
for you on my couch, man.

- There's just not.
- Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie.

I don't want to pick one.
I don't understand why Frank did this.

If he was unhappy,
why didn't he come to me?

You ruined this, okay?
I need it to go back to the way that it was.

Well, he's not gonna
just chew on that thang.

- Whatever y'all want.
- [sighs, stammers] What does that mean?

Why does she keep saying it?

- [gnawing]
- I'd seen all I needed to see.

I mean, we-we couldn't run
the risk of one of these women

becoming a major player
in our lives. [sighs]

We need to bring in
someone Frank might go for,

but who we know
we can control. [sighs]

A woman
with no personal ambitions

but who Frank could also bang.

- [glass clinks]
- Guys, I believe I have the first line.

- Uh, announcement.
- Announce. Just an announcement.

- It's just
a natural conversation. - Yes.

- He just has to talk first.
- Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment.

- Well, you're Mac.
- I'm Mac.

- Well, he's just welcoming.
- Yeah.

This is Dennis,
and this is our apartment.

- Yes.
- And we do a lot of hosting.

- That's right.
- And we are not a couple.

- No.
- But our living arrangement is

- perfectly age appropriate.
- [Charlie Kelly] But he is gay.

- Well, he is gay.
- Well... [grunts] ...Goddamn it.

And I am gay.

Uh, I believe I may have snapped
at Dennis and hit him a little bit...

- Yeah, a little bit too hard.
- ...too hard.

And also the fact
that you're gay is inconsequential because...

- It's playful.
- Yes.

...that's gonna make it sound
like maybe I'm not.

- [laughs] Chew on that thang.
- What?

She's not supposed
to say that, right?

Is that it?
That's all she can say?

- The vocab is limited.
- Good.

- Yeah.
- I'ma barf on it.

- What?
- What?

[Mac] That's not your line.

- What are you...
What are you doing? - [Sam] What is she...

Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase
that I do, you know what I mean?

- She's kidding. You're kidding.
- Barf on that thing, y'all.

- [laughs] That's playful.
- [Sam] Oh, no.

- Well, no, no, no.
- [coughing]

Should I have a catchphrase?
I don't approve of this union.

Let's keep this evening
about Frank, okay?

And not have...
We don't have... Nobody has any catchphrases.

We-we're just... Uh, I'm gonna
raise a toast... Um...

to these two wonderful women
and to an impossible choice.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- [knocks on door]
- Oh.

- My, my. Who could that be?
- Oh. What's this?

Goddamn it.

[sighs]

Hey... Oh, Miss... Ms. Kelly.

- Mom.
- My God. Well, what brings you here?

To be a slut
and to marry Frank.

That was...

- Oh.
- [laughing]

Really? Oh, good. Dennis,
did you put her up to this?

What do you mean?
She just came over.

Already I have to deal
with two sluts and now a third?

- [grunts, coughs]
- Start over, Mac! Start over.

- [screaming]
- [objects clattering]

? yeah!

[audience cheering]

Now the stakes were even higher
with a third woman in the mix,

but luckily for Frank,

he'd have the fantasy suites
to help him make up his mind.

This was the hardest decision
of my life. What's the order?

Do I go Chewy first and work
my way to Bonnie through Sam?

Or do I run the risk
of being gnawed to a stump and have to heal?

I was feeling so many things.

And then, I had an idea.

Frank, there is no way Disney
is ever gonna go with that.

It's what I want.

No, Frank,
we have to stagger them.

[Frank] I'll handle that
once we're in the middle of it.

Look, you wanna join us?

I don't love it,
but no eye contact and we're good.

All right.
Let's go ahead. Let's go.

Ha! Let's go, ladies.

We're gonna do
kind of a group situation.

Why don't you just
come this way?

- There you go. There you go.
- Yeah.

- O-Okay, listen to me, Frank.
- Hey.

I'm no prude, right?

I mean, I was in the navy, right?

I took a whole destroyer
full of torpedoes, you know?

[chuckles]
That's pretty funny, Sam.

Yeah, but here's the thing:

I feel like I'm ready
to settle down and, you know... [laughs]

- ...I got feelings
for-for-for you, Frank. - You do?

Yeah, you know.
Ain't that something.

I-I gotta tell you
a little story, right?

Well, I'm kind of
on the clock here, you know?

Yeah, okay.

When I was a little girl,

I shortened my name to Sam
and I told everybody,

"Ooh, I-I really liked that
so much better,"

but I didn't.

I-I just thought that... Samantha,
that's-that's too long for anybody to say.

So-So I changed my name, Frank,
because I thought

that nobody would care enough
to take the time to say the whole thing.

Oh, my God. Stupid, huh?
[laughs]

Well, you were a kid.
[stammers]

I lived my whole life
that way.

And when I was busy pretending
to be somebody that I wasn't,

you were living your life
being exactly who you are.

I just love that
about you, Frank.

And I kind of thought
it was too late for me, but then,

you've shown me
that it's never too late

to find your heart.

And your voice.

And your name.

I think I'm falling in love
with you, Frank.

Yeah, I-I don't want
to ruin that.

So, you know,
I'm not going in there.

I'm-I'm gonna go.

[Jesse] Sam had struck a chord.

And now Frank had
an even tougher decision to make.

Just what was he going to do?

Yeah, I mean, I took a shot,
right?[chuckles]

And I-I think he's feeling
the same things I am.

At least,
I hope so, right? [laughs]

[knocks on door]

[Sam] Yeah.

[crew member] What's it say?

Look, as much as Dennis wanted
Frank to pick Bonnie,

we all knew he was gonna go
with the 20-year-old, so...

I devised that prank
to make sure she was cool.

The prank is this,
when they fly us out there, we set off

one of those elephant toothpaste
bombs in the mansion. [chuckles]

And then, if she likes it,
she's in.

- [stammers]
What the hell is that? - What is that?

Oh. It's-It's like a chemical
reaction. Check it out.

- Cool, huh?
- [Dennis] Oh. Yeah.

This is a good idea though,
Mac. I could work with this.

- Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
- Okay.

So Frank was concerned
that his real family would embarrass him.

Well, we've got them here
with us tonight.

How do you guys feel
about that?

[audience scream, gasp]

Well...

The situation...
[strains, gasps]

...under the circumstances is
quite understandable.

Our appearance may seem gruesome,
but all can be quite easily explained.

[straining] Oh. Indeed.

- [Charlie Kelly] Yeah.
- Indeed.

As you can tell, our voices
have also been affected,

creating an unintentionally
sinister tone.

- So, where did things
go wrong, guys? - Well...

[straining] There seems
to have been a miscalculation.

- Our hubris got the best of us.
- Nonsense.

There was no mix-up in the laboratory, no.
.. [gasps] ...neglect of the pH balance.

It was my jealousy
of these women

that drove me
to surreptitiously add 20 gallons

- of Nair hair removal
into the concoction. - [audience gasp]

Wait, wait, you did what?

? You wear short shorts
If you dare wear short shorts Nair for-?

Yeah, we know the product.

You're familiar with it?

Do you guys know the song?

- Yes, we know the goddamn song.
- Yes.

Uh. Okay, okay, okay,
that's just...

We're gonna stop right there.

Uh. So with no help
from his family whatsoever,

Frank is now left with the most
important choice of his entire life.

And on that final night he had
to make that choice alone.

Ooh.

Frank, it's the final rose.

This is it.
So who will you choose?

Will it be Bonnie or Sara?

Who the hell is Sara?

You actually thought
that the woman's birth name was Cock Chewa?

Oh. Never gave it much thought.

America is waiting.

Frank, who are you gonna
give it to?

Well, Bonnie,
you are a dirty, dirty slut.

Thank you, Frank.

And you're old as hell.

But-But I gotta be honest,
you bone me up like nobody else.

So it's really hard
not to choose you.

Chewy, I gotta be honest,
I don't like the teeth.

I-I never understood
the chewing thing. I mean, people like that?

Chew on that thang?

It's weird as hell.
It hurts, your chomping on it.

- I mean, it's like... [gnaws]
- [gnawing]

You go deep, deep, deep.
[gnaws] The bottom? Oh.

I may never recover
from that. [sighs]

But I gotta say,

you are so goddamn hot.

It is hard not to choose you.

I gotta make a decision.

I gotta make a decision.

And...

my decision is...

[Frank] Sam!

Sam! Sam, where are you?

Sam!

Sam!

Sam!

Samantha! Samantha!

[Sam] Frank.

- Frank.
- Saman... Oh.

Samantha, don't
get on that bus.

I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.

But most of all I'm a coward.

I-I didn't let you go
because I didn't like you.

I-I got rid of you
because I like you too much

and it scared the shit
out of me.

I'm just like you, Samantha.

But together,
we don't have to be afraid.

Would you accept this rose
and be my wife?

Frank,

I will.

[chuckles]

[Ms. Kelly] Be strong, Bonnie.

Be strong for
your little gingerbread man.

- Bonnie?
- [chuckles]

How do you guys
know each other?

- This is my date.
- Yeah.

One. Two. Three. [sighs]

- Why are you doing everything
in threes? - So Charlie doesn't die.

Show us on the doll.

Show you what?

Where he touched you.

I don't want a dog
to eat my face, Charlie.

She doesn't want
a dog eating her face.

Oh. Sorry.

You!

- [Charlie Kelly chuckles] Hey.
- Merry Christmas.

- I'm so excited.
It's almost Christmas! - I'm so excited!

I'll be in the kitchen
making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.

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