Original subtitles

Good evening, Eligible Arky Nation.

I'm Quail Eegan.

Thanks to the recent permission slip ban,

I've added billions to my fortune.

So I decided to buy this network

and make myself the host of my favorite TV show:

The Eligible Arky!

For anyone tuning in for the first time,

The Eligible Arky is a show

where a single archaeologist looks for love.

And trust me, this is our most dramatic season yet,

filled to the brim with watercooler moments.

So let's meet this season's Eligible Arky.

We recently paid him

a surprise visit to deliver the news.

What in the seven hells is this?!

Rip Digman, I'm here to let you know

you are the next Eligible Arky.

Oh, my God! What is that?

Once his team found out, they were overjoyed.

- I'm gonna be the Eligible Arky! - What's that?

- Hmm. - That's a bad idea.

I've been telling Rip forever that he should date again,

but he was always hung up on his dead wife.

Then it turned out he was trying to bring her back to life.

Then he sort of did, but she was possessed

by the Antichrist.

Then she died again in a volcano.

I'm getting sick of his excuses.

We think it's time for him

to get back out there and smash some strange.

Goddamn.

Rip's elegant exterior is a reflection

of the beauty within.

Just like my sweetheart Cornelia.

In fact,

she reminds me a lot of Rip. A lot!

I mean, I do want Rip to be happy,

but these shows are exploitative and toxic.

Great. Now, can you take that again

and say the exact opposite thing?

I'm excited for Rip.

Perfect.

Ow! Don't squeeze so tight.

This mud tastes awful.

You don't have to eat it.

I don't understand the rules!

This is The Eligible Arky.

♪ I know that you're the one, oh-oh...♪

After visiting Rip's-- and I say this respectfully--

disgusting home,

it was time to meet the ladies.

Rip, are you ready to meet 25 mostly white women?

Because the bulldozer

that brings the contestants to the Passion Palace

is pulling up now.

- Watch it. - Ow!

Wow, what a crop.

Uh, that one's hurt.

I'm very picky about what I display in museums,

but I have no standards when it comes to men.

I'm listening.

- I'm a snakes expert. - A sexpert for snakes?

That's interesting because I've been trying to get

some of my snakes to mate more creatively.

Love life's gotten a little stale.

Lot of missionary.

Oh, no, no. Not a snake sexpert.

A snakes expert.

- Oh, that's disappointing. - Look, I brought one.

It's a brand-new species

I recently discovered.

Ooh! That's a nice lean longy.

I haven't decided on a name yet for it.

I was thinking it could be-- Ow!

Oh, Ow is nice.

Little trendy these days, though.

No, I am in pain.

This snake just bit me. Mother...

I have been very single for ten years.

So maybe the next artifact you blow dust off can be

my pussy?

Oh, wow. Is she allowed to say that?

After meeting the contestants,

Rip still had his doubts.

And for the first time in Eligible Arky history,

our leading man was thinking of going home early.

Saltine, can you pick me up?

Everyone here is so blunt and sexually aggressive.

It's positively Eszterhas-ian.

Rip, I had more reservations than anyone about this show,

but you've only been there four hours,

and this is the ninth time you've called me.

But I don't like them!

Give 'em a chance, Rip Titties.

Ugh, all right, fine.

You know I can't say no to you when you use the nickname.

I will open my heart to love

and let down my emotional guardrails!

♪ Yeah. ♪

Ooh!

Ha! You tripped.

Hi, Rip, I'm Parisha.

I heard you like carbon dating, which is crazy

because that's my job.

I'm so good at it, I can just eyeball something

and tell you how old it is.

For example, the director of this show is 71.

Look away!

Wow!

Anyway, just to get ahead of it,

I once dressed as something offensive

for Halloween.

- Oh, no. What? - The price of eggs.

Wha...?

That's so funny. Holy shit!

What?

I'm always getting friend-zoned by guys.

But I'm hoping Rip will boyfriend-zone me.

- How's it going? - Surprisingly well.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think I might be open to moving on from Bella.

That's interesting to hear

because I have some shocking news.

Rip Digman,

meet the final contestant here to win your heart.

Bella Torres.

Hi, Rip.

Wow. Let's go see if he's dead.

Coming up next on The Eligible Arky...

I quit the show.

Did you ever see The Artist?

♪ I know that you're the one, oh-oh.♪

- I have some shocking news. - Hi, Rip.

Bella? You're alive?

How? I threw you into a volcano!

- Well... - Allow me to explain.

When you threw Bella into the volcano,

what you didn't realize is that Zane

and Buddy-Bot were waiting at the bottom with a big net.

Wait, where'd you get this footage?

You had a camera there?

It's actually a recreation we made

using the latest

in photorealistic computer animation technology.

Wow! It looks like real people.

Zane brought her back to my lab, where we discovered

that although she was comatose,

she was no longer possessed by the Antichrist.

Over the next several months, we nursed her back to health.

And that's when I had one of my most brilliant ideas yet:

we could reunite you

live on television in a watercooler moment

for the ages.

Okay, well, great. I quit the show.

- I just want to be with Bella. - Yeah, same here.

Well, actually, neither of you can leave.

Unless you want to be sued for breach of contract.

My contract with Quail says I have to do the show

or he'll charge me for my medical expenses,

and they're like $200 million,

which even for me is a little-- how do you say--

no, thank you.

Now it's time for you two to get reacquainted.

We'll give you complete privacy

except for all the cameras and sound guys.

I just can't believe this is real.

Do you remember anything about being the Antichrist?

No, the last thing I remember, it was 2011.

Did you ever see The Artist?

Sure did. And, uh, yeah, it lived up to the hype.

And then some.

I knew it! So cool. I'll rent the DVD.

So, what have I missed? What digs have you been on?

I know you found the Greenstone Heart, right?

Truth be told, I pretty much didn't work at all

for about 12 years.

I only recently got back in the game.

And I'd be lying if I said it was going especially well.

Oh.

I've got a new assistant, though.

She's a nerd who kind of grinds my gears.

In fact, sometimes I wish I could just

wring her little neck

like the proverbial chickens of yore!

Wow.

Everything's so strange.

To be honest, I barely recognized you.

You look very... different.

Right, yeah.

I suppose, once the grief set in,

I completely let myself go,

both physically and emotionally.

Huh.

But I still look exactly the same.

Well, that's because I kept your corpse frozen

in my basement for all those years.

Yep, I'd spend days just staring at your dead, frozen body.

And sometimes I'd even kiss the ice you were encased in.

With tongue, just how I assumed

you would want me to in that exact scenario.

Oh, my God. Did people know about that?

Nope. I lied to everyone.

We even had a closed-casket funeral for you

so I could secretly replace your body

with the corpse of a big old hog I accidentally hit

with my car when I was driving drunk one night.

Sooey! Oh, yeah.

Your mom brought flowers to the grave

of that nasty oinker every week.

The old kook.

Hey, Bella, what's the matter?

Did someone say something upsetting to you

before I told you that hilarious story about the hog?

It's just... I don't know.

You don't seem like the same Rip I remember.

Hey, look, I get it, plagued by grief and whatnot.

But this was bound to be awkward at first.

I'm sure once we get out there

and start arkying together again,

the chemistry will reignite.

We're soulmates, right? Nothing can change that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But before that, it's time for our first shovel ceremony.

Only three of these women will move to the next round.

So, Rip, who do you choose?

Bella...

- ...do you dig me? - Yes.

- Say you dig him. - Ugh.

I... dig you.

All right. And, uh, Parisha

and, uh, Ximena, you're in, too.

That means the rest of you can go home.

This place is a prison.

And now it's time for our first competition:

The Sensual Ascension.

Welcome to Germany,

the most romantic country in the world.

The pair that makes it

to the peak of Mount Efficiencystein

in the shortest amount of time

gets treated to a sunset dinner date of soft tacos.

There's more than one way to get up there,

so it's up to each couple to find the best path

for their skill set.

Rip and Parisha,

you're up first.

On your marks, get set, go!

Well, I guess this must be a letdown for you,

since my wife's on the show now and, obviously,

I want only to be with her.

Hey, I get it. Don't worry. Jump!

Thanks for understanding. Vine!

Hope you don't mind if I hum a little jazz

while we're swinging.

♪ Riddle dee diddle dee doop bowdee ♪

Aw, hell yeah. I love that tune!

♪ Dee dibble dee doo doo doo ♪

♪ Skiddily skiddily skiddily skiddily ♪

♪ Dip dop doo. ♪

Parisha truly has the golden pipes of a platonic friend.

Ooh, careful. That branch is...

201 years old.

It may not hold your weight.

Ah, well. Then after you, madam.

Aw.

- All right. - Hey, cool.

Done in a time of two hours, 33 minutes.

Next up, Rip and Ximena.

Go.

I smell something.

Ever since she was bitten

by that snake, Ximena seems to be

transforming into a human-serpent hybrid.

And I really like that about her.

Supper!

What you just did right there is every man's dream.

What's happening to me?

I think I'm falling in love.

- Done. - Nice.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

And finally, Rip and Bella.

- Go. - Follow me.

Those tacos are as good as mine.

Uh...

- Wait! - What? What is it?

It's just, that bridge, it's awful rickety, right?

Let's, uh, take it slow and steady.

Left. Right. Not too fast.

The tortoise did beat the hare, after all,

if Aesop is to be believed.

And I am firmly in the camp of: he should.

We can cut through here. It's a shortcut.

Hold on. Don't know if any of these plants are poisonous.

I've got an app that'll identify 'em.

After all, we don't want you succumbing

to the effects of a deadly neurotoxin again,

do we, dear?

Okay, we can still make up the time if we leap that chasm.

Couldn't we just take the long way around, though?

And hold hands all the while?

That'll add hours. And I want those soft tacos.

What's with you?

I'm just trying to keep you safe.

Well, you're being overprotective.

The Rip I knew believed in me

and wasn't afraid to let me take chances.

That's still me.

- Then we jump on three. - Uh, okay.

- One. Two. - No!

Whip and yank!

I'm sorry, okay?

Let's just take the long and safe route.

Who knows? It might even be fun.

Not so fast.

Don't want you to hurt yourself.

Let me just score the ribbon here.

Lest it snag on one of your many perfect features,

my recently returned sweet.

- Did we win? - Clearly you did not.

The winner of the dinner date is Parisha.

Yay.

Okay. Bella, you want to join us?

Rip, she won the date. I'm not gonna intrude.

Actually, I just decided you have to go.

A real-life love triangle?

Talk about a watercooler moment.

Coming up on The Eligible Arky, the most shocking moment

in the history of television.

♪ I know that you're the one, oh-oh.♪

♪ I know that you're the one, oh-oh.♪

Welcome back. I have a special surprise for you three.

You're going to be serenaded by a band

I only recently discovered...

The Watingos.

Oh, is this a popular band these days?

No, I've actually never heard of them.

They always get obscure bands on this show

and then act like everyone should know who they are.

♪ Tonight we gotta fall in love ♪

♪ I hear it's great to be in love...♪

Wow. They're amazing.

Really? That's actually not my experience of them.

♪ If your dad wants, he can borrow my car...♪

Dinner is served. Enjoy.

Man, these tacos are soft.

- I can't wait to try one. - Hang on.

Parisha, would you mind taste-testing Bella's taco

to ensure it's not poisonous?

- Or worse, hard. - On it.

Oh, my God.

What troubles you, mine ever-bride?

This whole experience has been a disaster.

You're nothing like the Rip I remember.

You're neurotic, you're out of shape,

there's clearly some severe emotional stuff going on.

I mean, you froze my body.

Pish-posh. I mean, sure, I'm a little worse for wear,

but I'm still the same old Rip.

Down to my signature outfit that's unique to me alone.

Okay, so if you're the same old Rip,

then where the hell is the Greenstone Heart?

Oh, uh...

Come on, Rip. If you haven't changed,

you'd have the Heart by now.

We talked about it for years.

- So where is it? - Well...

Sorry to interrupt, uh, what is the Greenstone Heart?

And, again, so sorry to interrupt.

For many moons, arkies have sought the Greenstone Heart,

a treasure hidden deep within

the most booby-trapped temple on Earth:

Sincuidado.

No arky has made it out alive. It's a literal death trap.

But the Rip I knew had been studying Sincuidado for years

and was preparing to become the first arky ever to conquer it.

Yeah, I guess I kind of gave up on that.

And that's what breaks my heart.

Your confidence and ambition is what I loved about you.

♪ Got your mama's eyes ♪

♪ And your daddy's lips ♪

♪ Your daddy's hair and your daddy's lids...♪

Will you guys shut the fuck up?!

And that's another thing.

The old Rip would have worshipped The Watingos.

You've lost your joy.

I know, but it's not my fault.

I thought you were dead, and it completely ruined me, okay?

♪ Date night, date night, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Tell your dad that job we talked about is done...♪

You're not the same Rip I fell in love with.

You're broken and haunted, a shell of who you were.

I'm sorry, Rip. I don't feel it anymore.

It's over.

Bella, no, wait. I love The Watingos.

Watch, I'm dancing.

♪ It's so cool we have the same size shoe.♪

- Aw. I'm so sorry, Rip. - Damn it.

If I'd just found that frickin' Greenstone Heart,

everything would have been fine and Bella would still love me.

But I didn't. And now I got to eat

all these soft tacos by myself.

Mm.

Oh, man, these are effin' good.

The meat is so soft and tender.

When mixed with the sauce and shredded lettuce,

it makes the tortilla the exact right sogginess.

The time has come for another shovel ceremony.

Hey, Rip, sorry to barge in, but Parisha's gone missing.

She left this letter.

"Dear Rip, although I've fallen for you--

"and not just literally, ha-ha, remember that?--

"I realize now, your heart belongs to Bella.

"I only want what's best for you,

"so I'm off to find the Greenstone Heart

so I can give it to you and you can win her back."

Oh, my God, she'll surely perish,

and likely in a grotesque manner.

I knew then what I had to do.

So I was off to Sincuidado.

My assistant Saltine is back at my headquarters

with all the research I'd done on Sincuidado,

so she can help guide me through it.

All right, Saltine. It's go time.

Okay, Rip, the first thing you need to look for is...

the Hall of Darts.

Just follow my instructions exactly.

Flip. Pirouette! Lunge! Plié!

Uh, Saltine, you could have just said

do Baryshnikov's dance choreography from Don Quixote.

You're totally right. Realized that after you did it.

Anyways, next is... the Snapping Turtle Tomb.

The only way to calm them is by playing

a perfect 4/4 beat on the shells.

Ugh, this is so boring.

Why don't I add a little swing to it?

You see, Buddy Rich would do a little something like this.

Rip, no, just the 4/4 beat!

Ugh, fine.

They're asleep, you're in the clear. Go.

Fucking basic-ass turtles and their pop sensibility.

Next up is the Chamber of Silence.

You have to cross through the entire room

without making a sound.

By the way, there's only one piece of iguana jerky

left in the house. If it's okay for me to snarf it,

don't say anything for the next three seconds.

Three, two, one.

- Thanks, Rip. - Damn it!

I was saving that!

I twisted one of my two ankles.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow. And... ow.

Hey. Sorry.

Parisha, you're alive.

Man, I'm honestly impressed you made it this far.

Thanks. Still kinda screwed up here at the end, though.

No worries if not, but can you save my life?

In fact, I cannot.

I twisted one of my two ankles in the coolest way possible:

adult male frustration rage.

I'm sorry. There's no way I can jump that far.

But I can.

- Bella? - Parisha, I'm coming to get you.

Oh... Uh...

No! It's too far.

We can come up with some other plan.

Rip, I can make it. Trust me.

Fine, but if you fall to your death,

and I mean this, don't expect me to freeze you again

- and bury another hog. - Okay.

Wow, that was some leap.

Now, what do you say we grab this Heart and get out of here?

Damn it, rookie mistake. Come on.

Will Rip choose Bella or Parisha?

That's still what this show is about.

Find out next on the most shocking conclusion

in the history of The Eligible Arky.

Oh, God, we're definitely gonna die.

♪ I know that you're the one, oh-oh.♪

Bella!

Hey, you know what? My ankle's feeling a little better.

Probably just the adrenaline and I'm doing long-term damage,

but I choose to live in the present. Jump!

- Hyah! - Roll!

Power slide!

Yeehaw!

- Hyah, whip! - Hyah, machete!

Look, we're almost out.

Uh-oh!

Looks like that giant scorpion hasn't had his java yet.

- Any ideas? - Hyah, machete!

Damn it!

Hyah, whip! No.

- We're gonna die! - It's every man for himself.

Oh, shit, I wasn't expecting that.

Well... Ugh.

Sorry to interrupt, but that column

looks to be about 575 years old,

which means its weak spot is right... here.

Hyah, carbon dating!

- Holy hell. - That was da bomb dot com.

- Ugh, no. - What? What?

- Don't say that. - Ugh, whatever.

- Talk to the hand. - Oh, my God.

Do you have any idea how lame you sound

when you use outdated lingo?

I don't mean to be a mutton shunter,

but every time you open your saucebox,

you sound like an ill-made foozler.

Sorry to interrupt, but I agree. -

Welcome to the final shovel ceremony,

where Rip Digman will decide between Bella, Parisha,

and fan favorite Ximena.

I was once a woman.

Of course you were. Now, Rip,

who will you choose?

The last few days have taught me a lot.

It was awesome to get back out there in the field with Bella

and get our arky chemistry back.

But just because we can be great friends

needn't mean we be great lovers

who satisfy each other's perverted fantasies,

like my favorite: man on top.

Rip, please.

The point is, I can see now that, although

you are the same Bella I fell in love with...

I'm not the same Rip you fell in love with,

and your feelings have changed.

Thusly 'tis time we both move on.

Thank you for understanding, Rip.

So, with that in mind, I'd like to offer this shovel...

to Bella still.

Would you marry me again, sweetie?

I'm nothing without you!

Ugh, no.

Okay. Had to give it a shot.

Still so emotionally tied to you.

Frankly, went through hot hell about it

for, like, over a decade, so... tough one to swallow.

In any case, oh, Parisha,

shall we set a carbon date, my dear?

Aw, Rip, that's so nice.

And it did feel like we had a spark.

But for the sake of my own self-respect, I have to say no.

Yeah, that makes sense, I did not treat you well.

Well, this was a fat bust.

Quail, can I get a new batch of ladies up in here?

- No. - Why not?

The Gremlins got a new batch.

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

I don't know, man, I'm falling apart.

Oh, Lord, will Cupid's arrow ever strike me again?

Or shall I forever walk the earth a lonely soul,

forsaken by all those for whom

my lustful heart beats most ardently?

Wow. Devastating.

And now it's time to announce

our next Eligible Arkyette... Ximena.

What?! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Aah!

♪ I know that you're the one, oh-oh.♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I know that you're the one ♪

♪ I know that you're the one, whoa-oh ♪

♪ I say, I say. ♪

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪