Original subtitles

[Mother Jean] The majority of our members

are age 55 and up.

Now, unless we want to have an ambulance on call

in the parking lot

like a food truck sitting out there every Sunday,

I suggest we do some critical thinking

and come up with some solutions to get some new members,

and we need to do it right now.

Slide.

Slide!

Boy, it is not that hard just to mash a button.

Slide, please. Slide!

Mother Jean, it's over.

Say thank you.

All right! That was great, Mother Jean!

I mean, riveting,

riveting presentation, Mother Jean. All right...

Guys, we're off track. Look, like Mother Jean said,

we need ideas to increase the membership, okay?

No bad ideas.

Ooh, I got it.

Why don't I become a contestant on The Price is Right?

Okay, actually, there are bad ideas, okay?

Anybody else?

-Calvin. -[Calvin] A'ight...

you know those sign twirly people,

the people twirling signs and stuff?

We could do one of those,

except we can make 'em like a cool Jesus,

have him some glasses on, no shirt.

Obviously,

they have to be in shape, though.

All right, gonna be a no on CrossFit Jesus.

We're back to bad ideas. Good ones?

You know, people really love dating these days.

Yes.

-Yes? -Yes!

-Yes. -Faith dates!

-Faith dates. -[Corey] Imagine,

like, real connection, no swiping,

actual conversation.

All in favor of the vibes, aye?

Aye!

? Churchy ?

? I'm going to church today 'cause I need love ?

N-O!

I cannot think of any other way to spell that word.

I'm trying, but I can't think.

You could try, Y-E-S.

As in Y-E-S, yes, I want Corey out of my office.

-Mother Jean... -Now.

You saw the membership stats.

It's gonna take something new and extraordinary

to take this ministry to the next level.

Corey, this is a church, not a nightclub.

What's next?

Bottle girls serving communion? No, sir.

Mother Jean, all jokes aside,

all I want to do is bring Bethlehem Temple back

to where it was in its heyday.

Let me crunch these numbers.

[Corey] Okay.

One more time, and just let me...

You're gonna use the first calculator ever made?

-Corey! -Okay...

Corey, all I can do,

I can squeeze out $83

-for that budget. -$83?

$83, that's what I have.

What am I gonna do with $83?

You can't even get an Uber from the airport with $83.

You know who else didn't have an Uber, Corey?

The Israelites.

And if they could make it work, you can, too.

$83.

Make it work.

[Corey] This is all we got

for food, drinks,

and decoration.

I thought you said we didn't have much of a budget.

We don't.

$83? [scoffs] Man...

I could feed a whole army and all

their POWs with that.

Matter of fact, watch this. Watch this. You take this...

And...

One of these right here.

Calvin, there's no way you can feed

all of those people with $33.

Listen, you take this. I'm gonna text you a list.

You get exactly what's on that list,

and you meet me back at the church.

We got some cooking to do.

-Three items? Got it. -I told you that was a bad idea.

This makes me very nervous.

-Sister Poole... -Sister Poole?

Oh, hi, guys. Hi, Pastor.

Hi! We haven't seen you in service in the last few weeks.

I was really hoping that you would hear this news

from someone else, but...

I mean, to be honest...

I've been attending Sacred Kingdom.

Teddy's church?

Why?

The membership perks!

[Corey] Perks?

-What perks? -Movie tickets, gas cards,

and one woman even won one of them fancy

Dyson vacuum cleaners!

With the handheld detachable feature?

Yes, that one!

Man, I love those new vacuums.

There's something nice about seeing the kind of filth

that you're living in.

Mm, true.

Well, I gotta run.

God bless.

-Yeah, God bless. -All right, Evangelist.

Well, that explains the decline in membership.

I mean, our church ain't that bad; we got perks.

Yeah, we got me.

But we can't give you out to everybody, that's the problem.

-Hand me out. -No, we can't give you out.

-Distribute me. -[Corey] No.

[upbeat organ music] [Sharon] All right, Calvin.

I got everything you asked for.

Now, did you make sure you got the meat from the 99-cent store?

I went to the 99-cent store, Calvin, just like you asked,

and I got everything on the list.

I also picked up a couple bottles of Pepto Bismol

since you got sausage andcanned tuna in there?

This might not be what you eat, but this is what we got.

Now, you want to throw insults at me,

or you want to help me save this event?

-[Sharon sighs] -Get it all in.

-Get it all in. -All right.

-Thank you. Thank you! -Calvin, I will help you.

That's what I'm sayin'! Come on, man!

We got to save... But-but before you do that,

though, I need you to

look like you 'posed to be in my kitchen.

What's wrong with the way I look?

Nothing, if you filin' papers.

But, baby, we making magic in here.

I need you to go in and put on your sous-chef jacket.

[upbeat music]

Toxic profiles is what we need

to make this event a success, bro.

-Toxic? -[Rodney] Come on, look.

Check it out. So I just reactivated my profile.

I can change my age right here.

I can make however much money I want to make.

But you just got to sprinkle in just enough of a red flag.

Being cryptic, you know,

emotionally unavailable, being a bad guy-

that brings women like moths to a flame.

-But you're lying. -[Rodney] Am I lying?

Or am I dating?

Please, do not listen to this man

right here, all right?

That's not what us women want at all!

We want...

a man that's going to give us roses

and take us out to dinner,

and... open up doors.

Yeah, open up doors to the police station

when he posting bail.

[Corey] No, man. I do agree.

Right? The right woman will respond to a man

being a gentleman.

-A gentleman? -Yes.

Weren't you a gentleman? What happened with that?

Weren't you a gentleman?

Didn't your girlfriend leave the church when y'all broke up?

Didn't you lead her away from God?

Bruh, that was church hurt.

[Corey] No, that was not church hurt.

That was Rodney hurt.

[upbeat music]

[Pastor Stinney] Hey...

how's everything rolling?

[Mother Jean] Things are rolling

just fine, I guess.

Uh... [clears throat faintly]

Is there anything you need?

No, nothing.

All right.

I was just stopping by.

Uh...

Speaking of something happening,

isn't it crazy

how this speed dating event is actually going to happen?

I mean, who would even think of going to such a thing?

Hmm...

[Mother Jean] Are you planning on attending

-this thing tonight? -[Pastor Stinney] Me?

-[Mother Jean] You. -Oh... No...no.

I, um... Well, yes.

Yes, uh, I'm going to supervise to keep an eye on things

and make sure everything stays decent.

Decent?

-Mm-hmm. -At a church event?

Well, I guess you just can't have too much decency.

Right. Exactly.

Uh...

[clears throat] So you planning on going?

No... No.

I've got plans tonight.

Hmm. Oh... Of course.

Okay. Well, then, uh...

I was just checking for the, uh... head count.

And the decency.

-[Pastor Stinney] Yes. -Right.

All righty, then.

I, uh...

Heh. [gentle music]

All right, let me add this. Roommates with my ex-girlfriend.

-Stop... -[Rodney] I believe

in 50-50.

Hi, we're here to pick up a to-go order.

-Come on over here. -Mm-hmm, ooh.

[Keisha giggles]

[chair squeaks]

Keisha?

Don't make it weird, okay? Niles...

Baby, this is Corey,

[scoffs] the ex-fianc�.

Oh, the ex-fianc�.

Who is that?

Her? That's just Keisha.

Ooh, she put my boy through it.

But you're right.

He does kind of have an adult kid face.

-[Keisha giggles] -[Boyfriend] Thanks so much for

fumbling the bag. I really appreciate it.

Much love.

I didn't even know you were in town.

Well, he flew me out because he couldn't stand to be without me.

Uh-uh.

Corey, I'm in my soft girl era now.

You wouldn't understand. [lips smack]

[smooth R&B music]

-Damn... -[indistinct chatter]

You have to start putting timers on it.

It's like five minutes left.

You had no timer on this?

-Get it together! Come on! -I'm working! I'm working!

-Man... -[Calvin] Yeah, you got to...

Is it already in? Okay.

-[Sharon] Yeah... -[Calvin] Great, get that goin'.

Every time.

I'm working on it. I got the fish,

-got the tuna coming. -[Calvin] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look, with the tuna, make sure you save that juice.

Don't just pour that down the drain.

Save some of that juice

because I like to put it in a lemonade,

gives it, like, an aromatic tropical feel.

Okay, tuna juice and lemonade... You got it.

[imitating Gordon Ramsay] Pass me those bangers

right there, yeah? And let's stop taking the piss.

We literally have an army to feed out there, yeah?

[fake British accent] We have a room full of

hopeless romantics to feed, Chef!

Hey, okay, so maybe just one of us do, like, the British accent.

Keisha, huh?

What's all that about?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hmm... Uh, your event...

Your event. You said that's tonight?

Yeah, if you're free, pull up.

I'll see what I can do.

See, that's what I'm talking about, bro.

Look, our group chat is about to be on fire

with the new drama in your life.

You know, a little bit of toxicity

perfectly blended with a little aloofness and mystique.

[chef's kiss] Brilliant, bro!

That's the thing, though. I'm not being mysterious.

I really don't want to talk about it.

There it goes again.

You're finally getting the hang of it!

Let's get out of here, bro.

We got some matchmaking to do.

[gentle music]

[exhales]

[Pastor Stinney] Hey, hey.

Uh, funny seeing you here... Small world.

If I didn't know any better,

I would think that you're keeping tabs on me,

-Mr. Supervisor. -No...

No, no, not at all...

A little bit.

[Mother Jean] I never knew

that my comings and goings were so fascinating.

But, um, hey,

have a good time tonight.

But...

try not to have too much fun without me now, hear?

[Pastor Stinney] Oh, don't you worry.

Some fun just ain't the same without...

certain company.

[gentle music]

-You gonna get the door? -Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I got the door. [door clicks]

I just cannot believe this is my life right now!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! -[Sharon] It's crazy!

Relax, relax, relax. I'm sorry.

I'm going crazy.

I know I'm on my Gordon Ramsay right now.

But listen, I need you to understand how big this is.

Sharon, we're not just making food.

We're making a statement.

We're doing this for all the people on the cell block

still trying to chase their culinary dreams,

who might not get a chance to get out and do it like this.

I can't do this by myself.

-I need your help. -You got it.

You still with me?

Yes.

-Yes what? -Yes, Chef.

Can't hear you.

Yes, Chef!

That's what I'm talking about!

[energetic music]

[Calvin] Sharon, we're not just making food.

[energetic classical music] [iron sizzling]

[Calvin] We're making a statement.

We're doing this for all the people on the cell block...

...still trying to chase their culinary dreams.

[energetic music continues]

-[indistinct chatter] -[laughing]

I've actually been running my own business

for about six years now.

Wow, a man with ambition. I love that.

All right, everybody, real quick,

if I could just have your attention, please, real quick.

I'm Corey Carr, the pastor of Bethlehem Temple.

I want to take this time to welcome you to our

first Faith Date event, which...

Deacon Charles, what are you doing here?

The date... I'm here for the date.

Deacon Charles, it's date night. You know that.

Yeah, yeah, Deacons Against The Enemy, that's what it...

Charles, you know that's not an acronym.

-Go on out, please. -Well, I'm takin' my snacks.

Sorry. Anybody who dated him, that does not count.

So what I wanted to say is thank you again for coming here.

We're glad to meet you. We want to introduce ourself.

We are a big church.

We're a big part of this community

and we're so happy you're here.

And what better place to find union

than in the house of God, right?

Love is in the air.

We're all about authenticity here today.

That's all I ask.

Even though sometimes you're your truthful, authentic self,

and you fall in love,

and that person that you love and give everything to

leaves you for chasing your dream?

No, no, they ask you to be vulnerable,

and then when you do and you share your hopes and dreams,

they leave you because of what God called you to do,

and they think that's okay?

And then they want to show up back in your life?

And then sometimes they're attached at the hip, literally.

And you've got to see that.

But you know what?

Tonight is about you!

Let's find somebody to fall in love with, and just know

that it can all be over in an instant.

Let's have a great night, everybody, huh?

[clapping] Yeah!

[under breath] Wow. Is he serious?

[clapping] Yeah, boy.

What service do you usually go to?

-6:30. -A.M.?

That's crazy. God ain't up at 6:00.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just... Let's just talk.

There is nothing to talk about.

Your profile online says you are six foot, three inches tall,

-and 210 pounds. -[Rodney] Love...

I said I feel6'3" and 210.

But I get how that little typo could-

Typo?

What about you being the pastor of this church?

[Rodney] Love...

I said I feellike a pastor.

Are you even a Pisces, love?

I like fish.

[sighs] You know what?

This is a waste of time. I can't do this. Bye.

Love, love...

So just so we're on the same page,

this is a ramen ball

with a sausage pat� topped with a cheese whizzee.

You know, you have to say whizzee

to make it sound fancy, right?

Garnished with a southern fried crackling; spicy, too.

-Right? -Mm.

This is my Michaelangelo.

This is my Mona Lisaright here.

This is a spicy crusted ramen loaf.

And the last thing right here,

this is probably going to be more of the hors d'oeuvre style.

This is a sausage bruschetta,

again, with the canned cheese whizzee,

sprinkled with a little flaming dust.

-[Sharon] Okay! -[Calvin] On a saltless saltine.

Saltlesssaltine?

Yeah, I saw some of the ankles of people

that were supposed to be coming.

They already on

-high blood pressure medicine. -You thinkin'.

You know, Calvin, I am really impressed by this!

-Really? -Yeah.

-You ready? -Let's do it.

Let's do it.

[indistinct chatter]

Ooh!

Look at you, looking like your entire self!

If anybody else said you wasn't, they was lying!

-How you doing? Cal. -Lisa.

Yeah...

Listen, I gotta be honest. I am...

I am just super intrigued by you.

-Wow. Okay... -[Calvin] And I...

I got so many questions.

How you feeling about the food they serving tonight?

Like, on a scale of, like, eight to ten.

I mean, I gotta be honest. Look, I thought it was great.

Yes! Something on the table, my bad, my bad... Really?

Yeah! Look, that hot Cheeto encrusted ramen?

-[Calvin] Uh-huh. -That right there?

They did they big one with that one.

That's one of my signatures.

This was you?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Tell me this.

Did you... Did you notice the hint

-of spicy mustard? -Lowkey? I did.

That's what I'm talking about!

Spider!

I'm sorry, love, but, uh, I'm just...

not interested in a woman who's only concerned about money.

Like, you asked about my salary first date.

Like, it's a little weird.

I'm sorry, but you're the one on the app

who added "Makes big money! $100,000-plus per year guy!"

-to his profile. -[Rodney] Made.

Made big money. You know, once.

It was a big something.

Excuse me.

Did you say you met him on a dating app?

Yeah, I said that.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, let's just talk about this.

You go ahead and take a seat

and we can just talk; I can explain.

Okay, explain it. You have three seconds.

Yeah, Rodney!

Explain to them how active you are!

You run a marathon every day!

You swim for an hour every day, too,

don't you, every morning? Tell 'em!

-I thought you left. -I wasn't done with you.

You like swimming, do you?

-[Kali] Mm-hmm. -Now, hold on.

I can help you with that.

Now, just wait a minute.

[gasping]

Me, too.

[water splashes]

I like the way you ladies think.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bye, Rodney.

Wow...

The Real Housewives of Lubbock.

[upbeat music]

[chuckling]

Yo, I'm really kind of feeling this vibe right now.

Me, too. I would love to go somewhere else

-and get some real food. -Drinks?

Oh, I'm sorry, you say real food?

Yeah, real food.

Uh... [scoffs]

What's wrong with this food?

Where's the food? [scoffs] Are you talking about this?

Yes, this food.

[laughs] You're so funny. I knew you were funny.

This is disgusting. Do you see this?

This looks like

an iron mark on the... What is that?

-Is this cheese? -It's innovative. Okay, well...

Have you smelled this?

It smells like...

not booty, but, like, maybe a mixture of boot,

like, but dusty.

And, like, this? This is, like...

This looks like somebody licked it already.

-[Calvin] Okay, okay. Well... -[Nancy] I want to throw up.

I'm sure the chef did the best that he could with what he had.

The who?

-The chef. -[Nancy snickers]

[laughing] I knew you were funny.

You're so funny.

Trust me, anybody with culinary training

wouldn't come up with...

What are you talking about, "the chef?"

[scoffs] Chef?

About as much of a chef as Chef Boyardee was Italian.

-[laughing] -Well, maybe...

you should try catering an event with $33 on such short notice.

You know...

You're not even worth it.

Calvin.

[plate thuds]

I will have you know

that Calvin is the reason why this event is

even an event instead of a little get-together.

He's a culinary genius.

He busted his butt to make all of this

food for y'all!

And for your information, Chef Boyardee wasItalian.

He was a genius in the kitchen,

and he was even a chef

for the President of the United States of America.

So the next time you think you wanna

throw shots at a chef,

a.k.a. Flavor Master,

get your facts straight, sweetie.

Okay? 'Cause you ain't got it all together.

Thank you very much with your greedy self.

I know you can eat this food in one swoop.

Calvin!

[gentle music]

How's the, uh, supervising going?

It's been a mess, honestly.

[gentle music continues]

Wait, I... I thought you had plans tonight.

Plans can change.

I just thought I'd come by

and see how you were keeping things decent.

[gentle music continues]

You look... very nice.

[gentle music continues]

Thank you.

[gentle music continues]

Kobe... oh!

So, I heard this is the place to be tonight.

Oh, yeah; love was definitely in the air tonight.

-[Corey] All right. -I was hoping I could

make the after-party.

Oh, no. There ain't no after-party.

Oh, C-C-Corey, there's always

an after-party, right, Corey?

-Right? -Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's an after-party.

I mean, if you're sticking around.

I might. That's if you're free?

I'm free.

Yeah,

I'm free.

[gentle music]

[upbeat music]

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