Original subtitles

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Holy shit... That guy,

the one I told you about...

That's him!

Him?

- I'm gonna fucking do him. - No.

- No. Enough. - I'm doing it.

Let it go.

You think you can just jerk off on someone's leg?

LIFE'S A BITCH

(A THREE-PART TALE)

I don't know.

Shit, you said it was him!

With all that blood, how can I know?

Is it him or not?

- It's not him. - Shit, Lola!

From far away, I really thought it was him.

Jeez, everyone can make mistakes.

- What are you doing? - It's good luck.

- Are you for real? - Yes.

Look at his face! Ask him if it's good luck.

Come on, let's go.

You're worthless.

You're a piece of shit. A loser.

Cowardly. Insignificant.

Useless!

These are your thoughts when you look in the mirror, am I wrong?

This self-depreciation is normal.

You've been humiliated.

You feel fear, aggressiveness.

But above all, there's this loss of self-confidence.

Do you know what an amulet is?

It's an object you carry with you to keep you from danger.

An object likely to calm your anxieties, that puts you at ease.

My own amulet...

is this.

DIY.

Someone tries to attack me?

A blow to the femoral, in the carotid.

The guy drains like a sink.

It doesn't have to be a screwdriver.

It can be a fork, a pen, an umbrella...

It's not about using it. It's knowing it's there if needed.

Mr. Roussin,

among the first men, at one point,

the brute molesting everyone to assert his power,

was supplanted by a less robust guy.

A guy like you.

- And do you know why? - No.

Because he took a stone to turn it into a tool,

a weapon, and even fire.

- His calumet . - Amulet!

Interesting.

Really.

But I think I'll be fine.

No, you won't be.

Apparently, it's a suicide.

He'd been dead for four of five weeks.

All this time, the poor little thing was with the body.

Do you know his name?

Jean-Claude or Jean-Luc...

Jean-something.

The dog?

No. I meant the owner.

The dog, I don't know.

It's crazy, no one knows.

I call him Mezcal.

A Mexican name for a Chihuahua.

I think he likes you.

He would keep you company. Having a dog forces you to go outside.

You have to walk him. It's a way to meet people, even flirt.

With this face, I don't think so.

No. You are wrong. Girls love it.

Scars that tell stories.

With your face, you are sure to have stories to tell.

I don't remember your face.

I mean... your face from before.

Yes...

from before.

Plus, they're great guardians. You'll be safe with this little one.

Sorry. I'm not sure I'm the right person.

It's there.

To show a dog who's boss, you've got to breathe louder than him.

Are you coming?

Don't you find it exciting?

- Sorry? - Defying the law like this?

- You work in the film industry, right? - I edit films.

My dad wants me to study translation

because I could swear in 24 languages when I was little.

But I always wanted to be an actress.

I also found this.

No, thank you.

You're wrong.

Masturbating is great for anxiety.

It's all the pros of being a couple without the cons.

At least, according to my dad.

Maybe you're afraid

Jean-something's ghost will haunt you to get these back.

You coming?

- OK, OK. - If I press a little more here?

That's good.

That's great!

That's it. Get up, get up!

That's not bad.

- That's great. - Yes.

Come here a minute.

Look... Give me a left hook.

Give me a left hook. Hop...

You break his wrist.

- You see? - It's a little complicated I think.

Simpler... Let go. Look.

Simpler. Grab hold of the jacket.

Just one finger. See?

Yes, yes.

It's not complicated.

Now you know what to do next time you're attacked.

- It's simple. - Yes.

- The finger is good. - Having a dog is even better.

It's straight to the balls.

Watch out for my balls.

You have lovely eyes.

Don't you think he has lovely eyes?

Yes, he does.

You don't mind me being here?

No.

Anyway, thanks so much.

No way was I gonna rehearse this scene with my dad.

Let me set the scene for you, OK?

The goddess Artemis gets out of her bath and realizes

this pervert Actaeon is watching her and relishing her nudity.

So, to get revenge, she turns him into a stag.

Then Actaeon gets eaten by his dogs cause they don't recognize him.

It's coffee flavoured.

You want it?

I don't have scabies.

You like it?

A guy from acting school gave them to me.

He thought it would convince me to fuck him.

Some people have no shame.

Would you fuck me if I gave you some chocolate?

Are you dumb or what?

Never give chocolate to a dog. It can kill them. It's poison for them.

Apologize!

I'm sorry.

No, to the dog.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I got scared. But you can't give chocolate to a dog.

He has a look...

Just thinking about it...

His owner...

I'm sure he's the one who pushed him to suicide.

Yes...

You know, Mr. Roussin, this fear is common after an assault.

It's the collective unconscious.

Many cultures associate the dog with death.

Cerberus among the Greeks,

Anubis among the Egyptians, Garm in the Nordic culture,

Xolotl in Mexico.

- A Mexican dog? - Yes.

An Aztec deity.

Yes, Xolotl.

A deformed dog that accompanies souls to the land of death.

That's him.

That's him.

My neighbor's dog.

Are you OK?

I'm OK.

You have a thing.

This? It's nothing.

And Mezcal?

It's going great.

Well, to be completely honest, he's disappeared.

What?

He must be terrified.

I imagine him lost in this huge city, all alone.

You must be devastated. I'm so sorry.

Look who I found!

The two best friends together again.

You got beaten up again.

- I fell. - Is that so?

I'm also addicted to chocolate.

I would avoid those if I were you cause those nuts could be radioactive.

- That one? - Yes.

I'm telling you that's not good.

That's OK. It's a gift.

Mezcal?

Mezcal?

Come on out, baby.

You want to kill me?

Then go ahead, fucking kill me! Kill me!

Stop being afraid!

Have you ever thought, Mr. Roussin,

that this gaze could be a loving one?

Perhaps you think you're not worthy of being loved?

It's beautiful.

Don't exaggerate.

Yes, I really do think so. The way you...

hold your mouse, the way you click,

cut, paste.

And you have super soft hands.

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

You happy?

You happy?

There is no love! There is no fucking love!

What are you eating there?

Yes, I'll be right there.

Come on. Let's go, Sophie. Let's go.

There we go.

I didn't see you there, my beautiful.

The bag on the couch is for dry-cleaning.

How are you doing?

The dress as well?

Well yes, there are stains.

You OK?

You're so good.

I love you too.

That's it.

There. That's it.

Light. Light.

Yes, your eyes on me.

There's a little voyeur side to the picture.

Yes. And then a little look to me.

- You missed. - I didn't get it.

Are we done? Did you see the pictures?

Yes. Yes, it's great.

- It's perfect. - Greta?

This is Mathieu.

- Hello. - Hello.

Shall we go?

Yes.

Come, Sophie.

- Come, Sophie. - Let's go eat.

Actress, model,

muse of a famous perfume brand,

everyone knows of your feminist commitments.

But...

isn't it incompatible with these ads in which you appear

as an "object of desire, of fantasy"?

Why?

You think being desirable and feminist is incompatible?

Forgive me, but...

Is there any way you could avoid feeding her?

It's for the recording.

What are your thoughts on someone like Lagerfeld,

who leaves his fortune to a cat?

Schopenhauer did the same with his dog.

You know what he said to him when he behaved badly?

No.

He told him to stop acting like a man.

There's no cheating with a dog. No judgment, no ulterior motive.

He doesn't care if you're talented, stupid, ugly,

if you have a bank account...

I have great news.

It can't be true?

Marie-Antoinette?

Steve!

Steve! Steve!

You're the best!

Incredible!

Did you hear that, Sophie? My Sophie.

One more?

Thank you.

It's so cute. What's its name?

- Sophie. - Like my daughter.

But I call her Fire. They have a temper.

Sophie.

Sophie. Come here.

I'd like to tell you so many things.

Sophie!

It's OK, I've got her.

She was so nice.

I know.

And I was so stupid.

- No, you weren't. - Yes, I was.

You'll find another.

I couldn't.

- Of course you can. - No.

Even nicer,

more obedient.

It seems that nowadays, some are hypoallergenic.

There are even silent breeds.

If they could also stop pooping, that would be the dream.

I checked all her personal belongings, and sadly, I found nothing.

If I don't find that ticket, I really don't know what I'll do.

She dropped off a dress

that means a lot to me at the dry-cleaner's.

But I don't know which one.

Could you ask her once she's woken up?

Given her condition, there's little chance she'll wake up.

That's life.

I'll buy another one.

Hello.

Did a young woman drop off here a very beautiful dress a few days ago?

May I have your ticket, please?

Your ticket? I need it. Otherwise, I can't help you.

Sorry.

I eat like a pig.

Do you speak English?

No. Only when I'm drunk.

Another language?

Yes... The language of flowers.

You talk to flowers?

It's rather them that talk.

For example,

the red rose says, "I really dig you."

The yellow carnation says, "I'm leaving you."

The white tulip, "I apologize."

And the thistle says,

"I hope you'll die in hell."

Before the dry-cleaner's, I used to work at a florist's.

It was an old guy. He used to say I was his most beautiful plant.

Most beautiful plant.

Are you seeing someone?

Nobody shows up here without my permission.

You don't take any pictures, any videos.

You give out no information to your family or boyfriend.

You'll have a phone for work purposes only.

And I need you to be available 24 hours a day, 6 days a week.

This is my room.

My bathroom.

Look at the bathtub.

It's huge!

I've never seen one that big.

And it does bubbles and everything?

And here is your room.

There's still Camille's stuff

but take what you want and throw the rest away.

I can't sleep.

Would you agree to sleep with me?

I mean... next to me.

Just for one night.

What is this? Are you hitting on me? You want to do weird stuff?

No.

Because I know you people with money...

- It's just to sleep? - Yes.

You sleep with your socks on?

Yes.

I was wondering...

Would you mind going over there?

Me going over there?

Yes.

At your feet, there?

Yes.

- Come on. - Come on, let's go.

- Move! - You're much better at movies

- than volleyball. - OK. Alright!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on...

Will you come and play with us?

- No, thank you. I'm OK. - Come on.

- Plus, Greta plays really badly. - But, hey!

Come on. It's three against two.

- There you go. - Come on.

Match.

Oh no.

Shall I go?

It's my turn to serve.

The ball, there.

- It's for them. - Right.

- You're the one who sent it there. - Enough.

Game on.

- Again. - We're winning.

Give us the ball back.

- She got run over. - How dreadful!

Did she die?

No. But it would have been better.

How dreadful!

So, at first,

I didn't want one right away.

But when I saw Charlotte...

I changed my mind.

You can delete Camille's number.

Charlotte is in charge of my agenda now.

She'll take our next appointments.

Have you ever thought about being in a film?

I could introduce you to people.

I'm not gonna have sex with you.

Rest assured. You're not my type.

I find your dedication admirable.

It makes me think of Saint Roch.

He helped plague victims.

Of course, he ended up contracting the plague himself.

To avoid infecting others,

he went off to die in the forest.

But a dog,

probably sent by God,

came to see him every day,

bringing him bread so he would regain his strength.

And he survived.

He survived?

Yes, he survived.

With bread?

With bread.

It's a beautiful story.

But, you know...

I'm no saint.

I wasn't comparing you to Saint Roch,

but to this magnificent dog.

Lottie!

Lottie!

- Yes? - Come!

I'm coming. Hold this.

I'm here.

You got her number? The girl with glasses.

- Yes. Yes, I did. - OK.

- It's really important. - Excuse me.

Could I get a selfie with you?

- I'd rather not. - Come on.

- It'll just take a second. - I'm sorry. Another time.

- No, but sir... No. - Just one second.

Just look... look at the...

- Are you crazy? - She said no!

Come. Come on.

He's not right in the head.

I should have hit him too. Hit him like this.

Calm down.

- Where's the driver? - This way.

Fuck!

You want some?

Thank you.

Oh no! Again. We'll get there.

Well done!

I can't go if you're looking at me.

Sorry.

Something's moving!

I'm peeing all over myself!

Go and check it out.

There's a small... medal.

It's Rodolphe.

Hi Rodolphe.

Hi.

We're going to bring you back to your family, Rodolphe.

You have a family now, haven't you?

Want a cookie?

Good. Do you like it?

Are you thirsty?

She's thirsty.

He's thirsty?

I'm sorry.

Shit.

No need.

Saliva is the best medicine.

Little darling.

- Good night. - Good night.

My darling.

Shall I close the window?

What's going on? You're too hot.

You are so cute!

- Thank you for calling me. - You're welcome. It's normal.

My little boy is very sick.

He was starting to perish without his dog.

- Hello. - Hello.

I must have seen all your films.

- You're amazing! - Thank you.

It's crazy to meet you like this.

I mean, under these circumstances.

The lady has come to take her dog back.

Her dog?

Yes, Rodolphe. My little boy's Shih Tzu.

My assistant must have misinformed you. There's no dog here.

Sorry.

She was wrong. Sorry. Goodbye madam.

- Rodolphe. I hear my dog. - Madam...

That's my dog I hear. Rodolphe.

Come to Mama! Come to Mama!

- I'm going to call the police. - Go on.

- I'm going to call the police. - Me too.

- Get out of my house. - No. I'm calling the police.

What's the number?

Get out of my house, madam. There's no dog here.

Madam! Madam, please.

There. That's Rodolphe.

- Come back here, madam. No. - It's my dog.

- The police are coming! - I don't care. This is my dog!

- Give me the dog! - No, it's my dog!

Police! This woman is a dognapper!

Stop insulting me. This is my house.

- Give me the dog. - No, it's my little boy's dog.

- Madam. - No.

No, no. Get lost.

But Greta, this dog belongs to a child.

Who are you to decide who the dog belongs to?

This dog belongs to no one.

It's not an object.

It's a living, sensitive, intelligent being.

It's up to him to choose.

And he chose me.

- I apologize. - I don't care about your apologies.

I want you to leave this house.

Now.

OK.

Mrs. Lugosi? Can you hear me?

You've got a bacterium.

Probably transmitted by a dog or cat's saliva.

Normally, this bacterium is harmless.

Even in contact with a carrier animal, the risk of an infection is very rare.

One case in a million.

You're more likely to win the lottery.

The bad news is you should seriously consider playing.

You have a very severe infection.

That smell is your tissues necrosing.

The antibiotics won't be enough.

I fear having to resort to a more radical treatment

to stop the gangrene.

Do you have any family, or a loved one we can contact?

Hello? Yes.

I'll be right back.

Yes, did you listen to my message?

Yes?

Yes.

It's you they want.

I didn't even have to negotiate.

Yes, we'll have to celebrate.

Perdita.

Come here. Heel!

Come on.

Perdita. Here.

No, Perdita.

Come here.

I'm really sorry. Get down. Down, Perdita.

I'm sorry, madam. I think she likes you.

Sorry. Come on.

Come now.

I know it's hard to understand

but some people don't like dogs.

Come on.

Franck.

- No. - It's mine.

But Sandy, you have loads in the drawer.

Come on, Sandy.

I'm off to work.

- Have a nice day. - Go fuck yourself.

I don't get it.

...he doesn't want to understand.

- It's not that complicated. - Yes, but...

We're going for a drink for my birthday.

- Want to come? - I can't tonight.

My sister's waiting for me at home. I have to go.

- Next time then. - Come on.

She'll kill me.

Are you sure?

If he's too stupid to distinguish a cabbage from...

- Here you go. - Thanks, Simone.

Thank you.

- Are you epileptic? - No. My mom was.

So your dog can predict epileptic fits and the future?

- Yes. - Like Paul the Octopus.

The one who gave the results for the World Cup.

I've never tried soccer. But she can predict a lot of things.

Well, you haven't won the lottery yet.

This is a true gift that can't be used to make money.

It's the same for burn healers.

I want to try.

- Yeah? - Yeah, do it.

Wait. I have to ask Perdita.

Perdita?

Fancy making a little prediction?

Yes.

What do you want to know?

Will I find love?

Who cares? It's no fun if we can't verify right away.

- The color of his underwear? - That's lame.

No, it's fine. It's my birthday so I get to decide.

- What's the beer for? - Because she's thirsty.

No. It allows her to see more clearly. Here you go.

Be warned Nostradamus, if your dog pukes, you clean it up.

Yes, don't you worry. My Perdita knows how to behave.

- Oh my. - Yes.

Well, almost.

It works like a multiple choice questionnaire.

You write the correct answer on one of the cards,

whatever you want on the two others and turn them over.

- OK? - Yes, OK.

Then, we'll place cookies.

And the first cookie she eats acts as a prediction.

Look, Perdita. Here. Come here.

Come on.

So,

come on, come, climb up.

Now you ask her your question.

What color is my underwear?

Not to me. You have to ask her.

Nonsense...

- What color is my underwear, Perdita? - Go.

All right.

Red.

Wrong, because it was white.

Where's the proof?

- Yeah. - Careful, it's gonna sting.

Bon appétit! Fuck. I don't believe it!

Fuck. Damn it.

Well done, Perdita.

This thing is awesome.

Simone, give us another glass of red and a beer for the dog.

You have 24 hours to get your stuff and get out with that mutt.

I'm sick of you on my sofa, sick of your dumb face,

of the way you say "I don't get it". I'm sick of it!

Sandy, I don't get it.

Franck, get out!

Perdita?

At my place, it'll be difficult.

Louise is mad at me right now.

But if it can help you out, you can sleep in the surveillance room.

You're used to it.

Thank you.

Come, Perdita.

But Franck,

your dog,

she stays in the warehouse.

Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.

Come on.

Perdita,

will I find love one day?

Tell me if one day I'll know love. Go.

Thank you.

Come here, Perdita.

Will you give me a kiss? Another one.

Call for assistance. Sinclair is requested at reception.

It won't fit.

Your sleeves.

The hood.

ID card.

Can I see it?

Thank you. Take off your glasses, please.

- Can you call your dog? - Perdita. Come here.

- Perdita. - Stop clinging to me.

You're still stealing at your age.

You can keep it all. I don't give a shit anyway.

Why steal them then?

Don't know.

I feel alive.

Sign here, please.

The pen.

You gonna call the cops?

Normally yes.

I'll show you my breasts if you don't.

No. That won't be necessary.

Will you promise not to do it again?

Does someone live here?

Go before I change my mind.

OK.

- See you tomorrow. - See you.

We're closed.

- Did you forget something? - No.

No. No, Perdita. Sit. Sit.

I wanted to invite you for a drink.

But without your dog because...

I admit it scares me a little.

Look I...

- I don't know, I... - If you refuse, I'll scream.

No, thank you. Some other time.

OK. OK. Stop. Stop.

Stop.

I'll be right there.

Fancy hearing about my biggest case?

Yeah.

He was a very elegant old man who wore a top hat.

We called him "The Baron".

He would come into the store, look around,

and then leave with hardly anything.

A bunch of radishes, a few bananas.

But every time, a bottle of Single Malt disappeared.

I knew it was him but I had no proof.

The security gate never went off. He would give me a big smile.

It would drive me crazy.

Then one day, I got it.

He was hiding the bottle under the hat.

He was good.

Better than you anyway.

Oh, no.

Keep it. I have plenty of these anyway.

So have I.

I think he doesn't like me very much.

Your dog.

- No. She's a female. - That's worse. She must be jealous.

No.

No, I think she wanted to have a beer with us.

So what do you do?

I mean, when you're not stealing from supermarkets.

I'm a nurse.

It's easier to steal from weak patients.

The best is when they're dying.

A promise is a promise.

You OK?

- I'm not interrupting? - Stop.

I'm going to ask you to calm down, please. OK?

We can talk...

None of that here!

- Outside or it's the police. - Fuck, you're pissing me off.

Wait, Lola. I'm sorry. Wait, please. I'm sorry.

Another birthday coming up?

I stole it for you.

This?

It's very generous of you.

I'm sorry about last time.

That was my ex. We needed to clarify certain things.

Clarify?

This?

- Does it hurt? - Yes, it does. It hurts.

This may seem weird for we've had no sex yet

but I'm looking for someone to share my flat...

and also the rent.

Since you seem to be looking for a home, I was thinking...

The only problem is your dog.

No. Not on the sofa. Come on.

Get down, Perdita. Get down.

Here. Good.

You'll see, she's super clean, obedient.

She can predict the future.

Can she do this?

It's OK. It's OK. There's nothing to be scared of.

Come here, Perdita. Here.

- Further. Further. - Sit.

You'll see. She's as sweet as a lamb.

Look how gentle she is. There's no need to be afraid.

Really.

- OK, fine... - It's because she's happy.

Yes...

Isn't that right? It's because she's happy.

Can I try?

Yes.

Be careful though because...

- That feels good. - Yes.

- You want to walk her? - No.

- Please? - No. It's OK. No.

- Come on, Lola. To get used to it. - I said no.

- No. - Go for it.

- Please stop. Stop. - Take her.

Take it easy, Perdita.

The dog stays outside now.

Can't we put her in the kitchen or in the bathroom?

No. I don't want her inside anymore.

Lola...

I'm sure she brought it back.

It disgusts me.

You don't know that.

You can't make accusations like that.

Don't move.

It's the dog's tweezers? That's gross.

That's what it's for. So you don't tear off the head.

Don't move.

OK. I'm turning.

I got it.

- It's huge. - Yes.

Leave me alone.

Fuck!

We can't go on like this.

The neighbors are complaining and you refuse an anti-bark collar.

No.

Would you like a necklace sending shocks or sounds to your brain when you talk?

She's doing a pretty good job at sound shocking my brain.

She's miserable. It's understandable. Your balcony is tiny.

If she's miserable, you can find her another home.

You said she predicted your mom's fits.

- Give her to someone who needs her. - No.

No. I'm not abandoning Perdita.

Shut up.

Shut up.

- There's no point in doing that. - Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

- I told you... - I can't hear you.

I don't get it.

Sorry, Franck.

I love Perdita but at my place it's impossible.

Kev?

It's not even worth thinking about it.

Come, Perdita.

Come here. Heel. Sit.

Sit, Perdita. Sit.

Good evening.

How are you?

I was thinking about you, your aggressions and so on.

I was thinking you might want to...

take in my dog.

You would feel safer.

No, thank you.

I brought your favorite chocolate.

That's kind of you.

I can't believe you found someone.

On top of it, there's a big garden.

Who is it?

I've always wanted a dog.

But,

with Lola it's complicated.

We'll be fine, you and me.

Isn't that right?

You can come and see her anytime.

Thank you.

I think we have everything.

Come, Perdita.

For the actress, the future is looking bright,

until that day in April when she gets a bacterium

transmitted by a dog or cat's saliva.

The filming of Marie-Antoinette ends.

Greta has septicemia.

That's awful.

And to think that your dog kept licking you.

It's for you.

Thank you.

Take a look inside.

I had some money saved up.

I don't really get it.

Well, look. No, it's there.

Chicago, Springfield, St. Louis,

Oklahoma City, Santa Fe, the Grand Canyon,

Las Vegas

and the Santa Monica Pier.

Route 66 was your dream, wasn't it?

- Yes. - Yes.

Um... yeah.

And in Vegas...

we could get married.

- First class. - Yes.

- We're leaving soon. - Yes.

I'm so happy.

Hello?

OK, I'm coming.

She'd hardly eaten in three days.

I thought she was depressed.

But...

Today she couldn't stand any more.

So I called Lola straight away.

- I'll give her a little injection. - No.

My Perdita is a fighter.

I can give her corticosteroids.

But she will last two or three days.

No more.

And...

believe me, sometimes

it's better to live a short

and happy life

than to live badly and...

not well...

and sad and alone and...

not loved.

Yes. Sometimes the path is...

Thank you.

And for tomorrow, what do we do?

Just leave without me.

If you really love her, you should let her go.

She's been dying for ten days.

This proves that the vet got it wrong.

Why don't you ask Perdita to choose?

Perdita?

Choose your card, Perdita.

Did you take your passport?

- Yes. - OK.

The train is in less than three hours. You should have enough time.

See you at the station?

LIFE'S A BITCH A FILM BY XAVIER SERON

CHAPTER 1 - MEZCAL

CHAPTER 2 - SOPHIE

CHAPTER 3 - PERDITA