Original subtitles

Hi, Grandpa.

Today, I want to do something really special for both my grandpas.

I thought a family fun day would be perfect.

I love them, but they are constantly fighting for my love and attention.

Not that I'm mad about that.

I kind of like all the attention I get from them.

But lately, I've noticed them looking at me differently.

I can't blame them.

I know they're both pretty lonely since neither of my grandmas are around

anymore.

Today, I want them both to know I love them equally, and I'll do whatever it

takes for them to realize that.

Hey, sweet pea.

Looking hard on how they're working.

Hey, Grandpa.

You know, he's always planning something.

You need anything?

I'm just passing through. I figured you'd see how my favorite

doing.

You're funny.

Did I help?

Well, I was thinking of making a little family fun day. You know, you, me, got

my dick.

Maybe some friends?

Not quite there yet.

Do you need any help?

And have you ruined the surprise?

I don't think so.

Hey.

Dick. What are you two scheming over here?

I'm thinking of making a little family fun day party for us.

Oh.

Okay, well, if you have any ideas, I've got some great ones.

I mean,

I am the fun grandpa.

You know, unlike Grandpa Jack over there. I mean, he's a little older than

You know, he's getting a little up there.

Well, if you think you can help, do you want to look over the guest list with

me? You know, I was thinking maybe we would just keep it kind of small.

You know, friends and family only.

Be more personal.

Are you kidding me?

Come on.

It's a party, right?

Go big, okay? You gotta go big.

Make it a night to remember.

Okay, well, both of these are good ideas. I'll consider them both, but for

I need some quiet to finish planning.

Say, what?

Why don't we get some coffee? My favorite?

Coffee?

Really? Come on. You know what?

Let's get you a snack.

Okay? Let's get you a snack.

Okay? Okay.

Why don't I get my own coffee and you guys can sit tight and feel it.

Well, my granddaughter is going to be quite the young woman, isn't she?

You know it.

I mean... I'm wondering if your son

has told her that she's adopted.

Not that I know of your daughter.

Look, if your forgetful son has not told her by now that she's adopted, I'm sure

that my daughter has.

Why are you asking?

Come on.

Jack, come on. Look at her.

Don't tell me you haven't thought about having her legs wrapped around her face

like a fucking food packing machine.

What? No!

Well,

I mean, I have thought about taking a stroke just to see if she'll hold my

while I take a piss. Yeah, exactly.

See, I mean, not like, you know, years ago, but now it's a little different.

know, she's all grown up now.

Mm -hmm.

I'm sent for a little competition here.

Well.

Look, it's not that I'm going to outdo you.

It's just like I'm just going to outclass you, okay?

So, yeah, this has to move to the competition.

That's what I'm putting out there.

All right. So what?

First one to get her to go to first base means buffet Sunday at the church.

Okay. Early bird special?

Yeah, maybe Sunday's best.

We'll see you there. All right. That's a deal.

Why don't you go see what she's doing?

Here's some more stuff for you. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Can I give you a hand with anything?

Sure. Will you help me with these pillows?

Oh, thank God.

Okay.

Oh, no.

That one goes back there, sweetheart. Way back there. Oh, way back.

That's good. Yeah.

Well, come here. Relax.

Sit. Grab a seat. Grab a seat.

Oh, you're working so hard.

I think we're going to have fun, though. Yeah, you know. You're exhausted.

You're tired.

You want to come here? Let me rub those feet of yours again.

Oh.

Yeah? Oh, that feels nice. Thank you. Yeah, you like that? I like Grandpa.

Helping out here.

You're so good to me. You work so hard, darling.

I think it's going to be a good party.

Yeah, I think it's straightened up to look pretty decent so far.

Yeah, I think we're going to have a good time.

How does that feel?

It feels really nice.

Does it feel nice?

Yeah.

Oh, what's going on here?

Oh. Hi there, Sunday.

Dick, well, what do you think?

Elegant? Sophisticated?

We're ready for a party, aren't we? Yeah, horse shit.

Don't you let our girl do her thing.

Okay?

You old fucking vulture.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Oh, that's so nice.

You know, you haven't been the same since your stroke last summer. You know,

surprised you remember I had a stroke last summer. What, is that another

dementia joke?

Oh, my God, enough!

Yeah, well, you know what? I'll tell you. How's your knees doing? Are you

to walk up all the way up to the top of the stairs in the big boy plane?

Fine, I'm going to my operation. Okay, enough, enough.

together sometime oh yeah come on why don't you just both oh help me we can we

can work together oh god that's so good oh anything you say whatever you

want thank you anything oh that's so good okay i'm gonna go grab the lemonade

and yeah okay yeah yeah you guys just work together help me out here

Are you just going to come barging in every time I'm trying to get somewhere?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, if that's the way it's going to be. I mean, that is the way it's going

to be. That's cheating.

That's not cheating. That's good sportsmanship.

That's not good sportsmanship in the least.

Well, you know what? My name is Dick.

Okay, so get used to it. God damn it.

Oh yeah, Grandpa's late.

Yeah.

You wanna ask me what I want for Pop -Pop's day?

Oh, hi, Grandpa. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sorry I'm running late, but I'll be out in a second. Do you want to come in?

Absolutely. You good?

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, look.

Why don't we sit down? Okay.

So, I just wanted to kind of bring something up that's been on my mind.

Yeah?

So, you notice that, like, you know, your Grandpa Jack's been...

Kind of being a little different lately.

I mean, have you noticed that? I mean, it seems like he's kind of hovering

around you, kind of getting a little weird.

I mean, when you were little, I mean, we bounced you on our knees and

everything. But, I mean, come on. He's, like, giving you a foot rub now?

I guess I have kind of noticed that he's been looking at me a little bit

differently.

When I walk by, he kind of does this, like, cross -hunch thing.

I don't know if he has, like, a stomach ache going on. Well, I mean, honestly,

it's like you and I, like, we have a little bit of a different relationship.

mean, ever since the car accident.

Yeah, I mean, your dentures fell in my mouth.

Well, I mean, you saved my life. You gave me CPR.

You gave me mouth -to -mouth. I mean, it was kind of weird that, like, you know,

I woke up coming back from the light.

There's your lip on my mouth. It was a little weird.

Yeah. By the way, you should probably clean your dentures a little bit more. I

sometimes forget to take a nap at night. I'm sorry.

You weren't expecting to die. But I mean, you know, it's, you know, we have

a little, I just wanted to make sure that like, you know, Grandpa Jack isn't

getting a little too, making you feel a little, you know, uncomfortable.

Getting a little Freudian.

What the hell is going on in here?

I can see what you're doing. You're trying to turn me against one.

What are you talking about?

It's just clear as day. I was walking down the hallway. What are you talking

about? Oh, come on, Jack.

Where are you talking? Get the hell out of here. You're accusing me of all kinds

of things. I'm not accusing you of nothing that you're not doing.

You're trying to fill all this head up with all kinds of crazy ideas like I'm

trying to be inappropriate.

Oh, come on.

You are being inappropriate.

You're over here. What do I have to do to get you guys to get along?

Come on. You're like an animal.

Well, Lana, I suppose there's something we ought to tell you.

Okay. What?

Sure. Yeah, I mean... What?

Dick and I kind of had a little friendly wager, a little bet.

You both have a gambling addiction. We don't need to be doing this. What was it

about? No, no, no, no. It has nothing to do with a 401k that I lost, okay? It

has nothing to do with that. You gambled away.

Yeah.

Okay,

what was it about?

Damn Native Americans.

But anyway.

What was it about?

Well, kind of.

You know what? Why don't you sit down?

I want to sit down. I want to know what the hell you guys made a bet about.

Sure, Kate, sit.

Fine.

All right, spit it out.

Dick and I had a little wager, a little friendly bet amongst each other. You

know, it's been quite a while since we've been in the company of a woman. A

little lonely.

So we made a bet. A couple of years for me.

We were fighting for your attention, essentially.

Seeing which one of us could... I don't know how to put this. Oh, my God, you

guys had a bet on fucking me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We just made a

that we would, you know... It's just a first base. I mean, you can't... It's at

this age, honey, and, you know, it's been so long. You know, like... Like,

grandmother's been gone from... Like, I've been so alone for such a long time.

It's a stupid bunch of... Couple of old perverts, you know. That's harmless,

sweetheart. Sorry. Oh, you piece of shit.

Oh, I... Okay, no, okay. You know what? Fine.

What?

We have 45 minutes until the guests come, and I really need to fucking come.

What? So, I'm going to give you guys a little Grandpa's Day present, and you

guys and me can come. And we're going to fuck, okay?

Jesus Christ.

Come on.

Okay.

Come on, Dick. Come on. Come here.

But I gotta say, I got better dentures now.

Oh, God.

I suppose this isn't cheating either.

Well, I mean, I am a widower.

Come on, I need to come now.

Well, you know what? I've already had those lips. I want those lips.

Why don't you...

Let me get

Oh, my God.

I feel good, Grandpa.

I'm sleepy.

I'm sleepy.

I'm holding on to one knee again.

There you go.

That's it.

You can keep sucking this.

That's it, sweetheart.

That was so better than grandma's gummy boogers.

Fuck,

this is so good.

Oh, my God.

I need a coffee. I need a coffee. I need a coffee.

I need a coffee.

Turn around, sweetheart.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

There you go.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, that's so fucking good.

Oh, my

gosh.

Oh, my God.

He was fucking perfect.

No one's going to have a heart attack, right? No, no, no, no, no. Just making

sure I'm in the will.

You got the golf cart?

Oh, yeah, no, don't worry.

You're in the will.

Oh,

God.

There you go. Good.

Do it again.

Do it again. Do it again. There you go.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

How bad do you want to be in the world, huh? How bad do you want me to be in my

world? I want that stupid fucking golf cart. Yeah, you do. Yeah.

I want my house in the keys, too, huh? Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to turn around here.

I'm going to get some of that pussy on the mic. I might actually do it.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

I forget how experienced you guys are.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

fuck, yes. Oh, my God, right there.

Oh,

don't fucking stop.

Don't fucking stop.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

fucker.

You tell me when.

Right now?

Yeah.

Say, Grandpa, I'm coming.

Grandpa, I'm fucking coming.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it doesn't hurt.

Wow, you can't see for shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, my God, yes.

Did my tights remind you of those hookers from the 70s?

Kind of what I was going for. It reminds me of war.

I don't know who you went to the war with.

I can't.

I can't ground it.

Switch.

Come.

Come here.

Oh, you're both a huge one. I'm going to have to go to your doctor.

You two won't get these chops.

Oh, my

God.

Grandpa Jack, we're just going to call Grandpa Jack.

Grandpa Jack, you're going fishing, right?

Yeah, make me come.

Yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm going to go.

Come on.

That's good.

That's good.

Right there. Right there.

Yeah. Squat.

Break a hip, honey.

Oh my god.

I'm gonna rock you.

Oh, fuck. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh, shit.

Get in there for yourself, because I want her for a minute.

Come here, I want both of your dicks

Do not tell my daughter.

But you can tell her.

You can tell my daughter.

Switch.

No,

I want you both ready.

Right now.

I must talk over you.

Eat that thing right out of your mind, honey.

Magic. I've got days like this.

Maybe we'll just call everybody and fucking just fucking cancel this fucking

call. Yeah, I'll just fucking call you. You can just fucking use that because

now you're fucking from behind now. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it. Oh, yeah. Back that ass up. Yeah.

Back that ass up right to me.

Right to me, right to me.

Yeah, there we go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What?

Fuck. Oh,

fuck. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Fuck.

Don't you fucking tighten up on me.

Oh, my God, you little fucking slut.

Oh, I knew you were this fucking good.

Oh, man.

All those years, I fucking knew.

Huh? Oh, Grandpa Jack, huh?

You knew all those years you were going to be this fucking good.

Whoa.

I told you.

I told you I'd outshine you. I don't play favorites.

Oh,

Jesus.

Oh, your hips hurt?

Do you want to get your hip replaced in the next month?

Oh, thank

you.

I got shit hips and shit knees over here.

Nobody's going on a hike with me.

Careful, I'll take my teeth out and put them inside.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Oh my god, yeah, fuck, don't stop, don't stop, I'm gonna cum.

That's it, that's it, make her fucking cum.

Come on, Jack, fucking do it.

Fuck,

yes. Fuck.

Yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You want to see my ass too?

I just want to see a part of your ass.

There we go.

One leg under. One leg under.

What are you teaching me? Oh, I'm teaching you something real.

Grandpa Jack, just sit down. Sit down, bro.

Sit down.

You guys did this in

the war, too?

Yeah, but there weren't very many girls around.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck it, let's just use me, you little fucking pervert.

How can you get a girl's panties?

They didn't look like that.

No,

that was in the 20s.

That was back in the 1900s.

Someone eat my birthday. I want to come again.

Right here. Right here.

You know

what?

Hold my neck.

Yeah.

Did you take out your dentures for that?

Fuck, I'm going to go.

Yes, you can.

You can't do it.

Fuck. Fuck.

there you go, just like that

Oh, yeah.

Will you come on my face?

Come on, short kick, as fast as you can go. Come on, there you go.

Keep going,

keep going, keep going.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, yeah,

that's it.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

There you go, there you go.

Keep going. Keep going. Just like that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, loosen up. Loosen up. Loosen up.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

fuck yeah.

Oh my god, yeah.

Oh my

god, yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

and dicks were just going to cough up dust, but... That was a really good

fun time.

I love bonding with you.

Oh, sweetheart.

Can you get me the heating pad, honey?

Oh, yeah, you guys think you can finally fucking get along now?

Can you get me the heating pad?

Yeah, I think it's hit the wall again.

But, you know... Hey, pumpkin.

Huh?

Granddad's day.

ever. Best granddad's day ever. Thank you so much.