Original subtitles

It was the year 1995.

After a century of world wars, genocide, and atrocities, world peace reigned

supreme.

Thanks to, of all things, nuclear weapons.

Yes, nations had finally fashioned enough warheads to ensure that war would

never be waged again.

Or had they?

The scene was Sicily.

During the course of a routine mafia rub -out,

an

inexperienced hitman decided to make sure of the job by using a tactical

weapon.

When the smoke cleared, Sesame had disappeared.

Within seconds, thanks to ultra -modern communications designed to prevent war,

The conflict spread.

Italy, claiming terrorist activity, nuked Libya.

Syria nuked Italy.

Israel nuked Syria.

Africa nuked Israel.

South Africa nuked Africa.

Germany nuked France. France nuked England. And Sweden nuked herself.

The USSR, with utmost reluctance, decided to nuke the United States.

And the United States, to preserve the peace, launched its nuclear arsenal

against the Soviets.

It was the moment everyone had secretly looked forward to, just to see what it

would be like.

World War III.

When the rubble had stopped bouncing, only two major land masses remained.

To the north, America and Russia had fused to form a country known as the

The USSR was and is inhabited by a particularly unpleasant race of mutants,

Soviet -American.

To the south, A second landmass appeared.

It became the haven for all surviving females, whether recognizable as women

not. No man has ever set foot in it and lived.

This nation is known as Virginia.

Beloved brother and sister planets, I, first among equals, Secretary General of

the Universe, have called you, the Security Council, together to inform you

grave danger.

The two surviving nations of the wretched asteroid Earth are on the brink

fourth world war.

Each side has created a weapon powerful enough to destroy not just their own

stupid little chunk of rock, but the entire universe.

We gotta blast these suckers and quick!

You forget, brother, we are non -violent.

So blast them non -violent.

What we need is a superhero.

Has the galaxy of full employment any suggestions?

Well, superheroes are an endangered species.

Superman is retired and lives quietly in the galaxy of gay rights.

Wonder Woman is in her third light year of pregnancy and too fat to fly.

Then we are doomed.

There is one superhero I know. He works in the Hyperways department.

As far as I know, he has never completed a mission.

He may be our only hope.

What is his name?

Well... Fred.

Hold it!

Phew, that stinks.

Watch it, you dumb barbarian!

Put it in reverse, for Christ's sake.

Hey!

Huh?

You dark -aged dick brain. Look at my cape.

Why you wear cape?

It's against regulations.

Screw regulations. No one's getting me out of this cape. I eat, sleep, and shit

in this cape. This cape says, superhero, pal.

It's dangerous, the cape.

Safety hazard.

Oh, yeah? You're the safety hazard, you gothic moron. Whoever put you in charge

of machinery had asteroids for brains. You insult my brains. I break you in

three pieces.

You couldn't count that far.

Hey, you guys, cut it out.

Let's crack some brews.

Okay.

Okay. Ah,

it's not like the old days, is it?

You know, it was right around here that I defeated the Dark Lords and saved the

planet of the orphans from the meteor.

I thought you said that was over in Bersa Minor.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That wasn't the Dark Lords. That was the Dark

Hordes. You just don't see action like that anymore.

You think you got it bad?

Any idea what it's like being evil these days?

Try and enslave people and bend them to your wicked will.

They piss themselves laughing.

It's a bitch. It's a bitch. There's just no injustice in the world anymore.

Brad!

Jesus, Trixie, I told you not to do that. It's the only place I know you'll

looking, Brad.

There's someone here that wants to talk to you. You better get back right away.

Can't you switch them on here? I'm busy.

Fred Hero, I am not switching the head of the entire universe into your beer

mug. Ah, super duper shit.

Come on, Super Junior.

Give Mama the nice lamp.

Okay, where is this creep?

Fred? Fred Hero, I am here to entrust you with a mission

upon which depends the fate of the entire universe. Well, pal, you come to

right place.

You are looking at Mr.

Universe. You will have to endure great danger, even pain.

Gee, I'm kind of busy right now.

Fred Hero, if you blow this job, I'll set Super Junior on you.

Honey, it's the family I'm thinking of. I mean, what'll you guys do if anything

happens to me? Not to worry, Fred. I made a list of replacements. Fred, it is

your duty as a superhero to save our universe.

Oh, yeah? How come I gotta save your lousy universe?

It's your universe, too, Fred.

Hey, pal, the universe hasn't done much for me lately.

Incredibly important, though I am.

I'm willing to beg you to go. Me, too.

You know why I'm going to take this job? You know why I'm going to save the

universe?

Because you people make me puke.

Delighted though I am that you have accepted the mission, you don't seem

invincible. I'm a little saved, that's all. Too much beer.

With this...

will possess every known superpower. What happens if it breaks?

Simply replace it with an ordinary 60 -watt bulb.

Invincible, huh?

Hmm.

Well, better get going.

Here's Super J. Give Papa a kiss.

Remember, Fred, you with peaceful means to achieve universal peace.

Can't escape the Earth's weapons and return with them here.

Be proud, fearless, and just.

Don't drink the water.

And remember at all times to fasten your seatbelts.

Come on, you alien bastard.

Stop. It's cold out here.

You heap of super shit.

Eat my super shot.

God, I'm pushed. I need a drink.

Hey, Fred.

Who's that?

It's God, Fred.

Stop taking my name in vain, okay? Or I'll fry you.

Okay, God, sure. Sorry.

That was close.

Jesus.

Fred, this is Jesus. That goes for me, too.

It's a guided missile.

Those crazy women have finally done it. You mean we'll have to fight?

I want my mummy.

Be a man.

You be a man. I don't want to be a man.

Well, that's a man.

A flying man?

Typical girl's trick.

He's heading for Washington. He doesn't look dangerous.

So let's kill him.

World Cup are reaching an incredible climax.

The fans here in Yankee Stadium are going wild as a veritable war is taking

place between the Washington grad unit actors and the Moscow Monopods.

Right now, the Monos have possessions. They're moving them all very nicely down

the field.

Monos captain Nikolai Nikolayevich has possession.

He passes to over left wing Billy Joe Romico who moves it on the trail most of

the field.

At least that was the idea.

But here's Nixon again defending now. He skies it. Both sides going for the

hair. Looks like now Silly and Sachin.

They're heading for the uni's goal, and uni goalie Apollo Sputnik makes a double

save. What was it to be?

Not Nick, says Sputnik.

Meanwhile, I pick up the models in the pass, and it's Simone's turn to

intercept. He drops the ball superbly.

Dribble downfield.

There's only Nixon between him and the model goal.

This Nixon is everywhere.

interests of national security.

The Joint Chiefs considered...

Hey, God, was that fair? I didn't say a thing.

Jesus? Huh?

Jesus?

Hey,

you people nuts, look at this tape. The Army of the U .S .S .S .R.

apologizes. The Air Force confess its regrets.

I'm here on a mission of vital importance.

Take me to your leader.

Allow me. Allow me.

Allow me.

Where are we going? To meet the leader of the USSR, the Comrade -in -Chief.

Our Comrade -in -Chief.

Our beloved Comrade -in -Chief.

Well, make it, Matthew.

What's the big idea?

A mere formality.

For your safety and comfort.

You're amongst friends.

All right, but no funny stuff.

Who are these guys, anyway?

Not long ago, some workmen digging in what used to be Argentina.

Made an extraordinary discovery.

A secret dump containing hundreds of gallons of authentic Hitler sperm.

We crossed the Hitler sperm to surplus Japanese cars.

The result, millions of ruthlessly efficient slaves.

With almost no fuel consumption.

But surely with Hitler sperm you need females.

Not with Hitler sperm you don't. What the hell are you clowns doing up there?

You realize someone just blew up Jenske Stadium?

The Monos were my favorite team.

Your hugeness.

Your colossalness.

Your incredibly big goodness.

Shut up. Answer the question.

What an ass.

Bring him to me.

Born head.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No!

No! No!

Chemical composition.

Left globe, carbon 28%, hydrogen 44 .9%, cellulite 33 .7%. Left

globe.

Identical with the race element of acne.

Surface temperature.

98. Thermal temperature.

Ow!

We are approaching Washington, D .C.

Here it is, the nerve center of the Army. And the Air Force.

And the Navy.

The Kremlin Guard.

Okay,

you bozos, no more trouble.

Of course not.

You're free to go, however you like.

So long as it's right there.

I didn't come three million light years to get fucked by a homo. Is this some

kind of greeting?

His hugeness is much impressed by your art.

It is a beautiful specimen.

Very beautiful.

Amazing. No hooks, no glue, nothing. It's a real ass.

This man is a woman.

With the utmost respect.

Happy for us to differ with your enormity.

But you're wrong.

What? How dare you contradict me? This is a Virginian spy.

But your massiveness.

We dropped a ten -megaton bomb on his head. The army did. And he survived.

Without a scratch.

Forgive my impertinence. But just who are you?

I am a superhero.

My name doesn't matter.

But you've got to stop fighting with the Virginians and give me all your bombs.

If you don't, how?

Well, of course, if you put it that way, peace it shall be. I'll send these

gentlemen to get all our bombs.

Good. Hurry up.

Whatever this creature is, he's a lunatic.

Fetch the guards.

Now, how can I make you feel at home?

Well, I don't want to sound like an asshole, but are you guys faggots? Me, a

fag?

Not so long ago, we had a slight disagreement called the Third World War.

Of course, for the chief combatants, America and Russia, the first exchange

bad enough. But for the survivors, there was an even more catastrophic result.

What? He blew everyone's ass off.

Literally? Literally.

In Siberia, Russians who escaped the initial blast were killed by flying

buttocks. In Lawrence, Kansas, it rained asses for a week.

In the Middle East, rear end justice flooded for no reason. While in the

people would simply be walking along and feel this big soft lump sliding down

their legs.

Tough shit. You shouldn't have wars anyway, which reminds me.

Those guys are taking their time getting the bombs. I'll hurry them up.

Where the hell are those guards?

So, getting back, what happened to all the asses that fell off?

Thanks to a dedicated few, many were recovered and preserved.

Some of the greatest asses in history are here in my personal collection.

Oh, John Corley II.

Ronald Reagan.

Sammy Davis Jr.

Fidel Castro.

Well, what do you think? I think you are one thick cookie.

I mean, how come there's no women here? Oh, the women didn't lose their asses.

They were safe on the ground. It was just the men.

Ordinary chosen islands willing to kill for their country.

And when those brave boys come home without asses, the dirty bitches just

laugh and laugh.

But we'll fuck them. Hi, guys.

It's us crazy women from Virginia again.

Hey, guess what?

We found one of your stinking little spies snooping around our headquarters.

But not to worry.

Your buddy is quite safe.

In fact, he likes it so much here, he's decided to stay and become a woman.

Oh, yes.

We'll land a big one right up there.

What's a big one?

It's just a little bomb we made. Nothing really.

Oh, yeah.

This is the little goody that blows up the universe, right?

Well, there is a thing. Sit, shit.

You get that doozy front and center right now.

If you cretins don't get a move on, I'll break you to the ranks.

I thought you said there weren't any women, but... Oh, Jackie, what a lovely

present. You look so cuddly.

Allow me to present she who embodies all that is death in the USSR and all that

Vigilians did death, the most sacred ass on Earth, Liberty.

What's your name?

Fred. What a beautiful name.

Yes, it is. Kind of melodious. Mr. Fred has come to put an end to war on Earth

and save the universe.

Yep. Oh, dear. Did I make your pants smoke? I do that to everyone.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Holy super shit!

John! Anyone!

Let's get out of here. Great. I'll get my coat.

Where's the exit, sicko? Don't hurt me.

Please.

I'm only an officer.

I'm not trained for pain.

Fine.

Are we going to leave the universe?

Screw the universe. I need a light bulb.

We're trapped.

With me, you're never trapped.

Quick.

Have they gone?

No. Don't move, whatever you do.

There they are, in the Earth Gallery.

Oh,

Fred, you're so brave.

Yeah, I know.

What did you hear, man?

Don't you have any idea where we are?

No. I've never been allowed to leave my room. Oh, you must be hot stuff.

What was that?

I don't know.

But it's like everything else in this place. A homo. It's a homo?

I'll explain later. We've got to find out where we are, and that's a job for

X -ray vision.

Ooh, is that what you used on me?

That was my X -rated vision.

You eat up my mug!

How about that?

Asshole in one. Let's go.

Oh, Fred, how do you do it?

Hard work and clean living.

poopy pie. Did nasty man steal papa's little monkey?

Monhead, help me, you moron!

It feels right.

Think he's dead.

The Air Force will form an interim government.

Not without the same thing. It won't.

Red, what's those hips?

What do you mean? This is the official rescue grip we learn in superhero

But do you have to hold me there?

Sure. They're the biggest, firmest parts of your body.

But why do you have to squeeze them like that? Extra added safety.

Well, I don't think it's nice.

Do you want me to use the special emergency rescue grip?

All right.

Relax your legs.

Good. Now, this may hurt a little.

The U .S. SSR has orders of full scale alert.

Why? I must remind you that the universe is at stake.

Fred, you'll have to wait until we're married.

I can't wait. I have only a week to live. You see, I have cancer.

So what?

Everyone has cancer.

Yes, but I've got bad cancer.

And I love you.

Oh, I love you, Fred. But I can't do anything filthy until we're married.

Look at that lovely moon.

Oh, Fred, this is so romantic.

What beautiful arches.

That must have been a cathedral.

Haven't you ever been here before?

Oh, no.

Chiefie said if I ever left the Kremlin gone, the country would have a heart

attack.

I hate it.

All people think about is my body.

Never in my mind.

Disgusting. Yeah, it's really chauvinist.

Hold my leg.

Now, give me yours.

Now the dog.

Hold it!

You people seen any individuals with grave deformities?

As a matter of fact, we did. We saw two of them, and they went that way.

Get out of the way.

Ah!

KGB Radio, your one and only.

It's two minutes to midnight, and here is the news.

U .S. SSR and Virginian arms negotiators meeting in Helsinki, Massachusetts,

broke off talks and nuked each other. Also nuked, the massive anti

-assassination at the Lennon Memorial here in Wadden Drive.

In road racing at Belmont, capitalist dudes paid three to one.

Speaking of which, the first successful ass -pant -pant was made today using the

rear portion of a Siberian wolf road.

Two top Virginian officials defected to the U .S. SSR. Both were transvestites.

200 -ton hemorrhoids still terrorizing the city of Los Angeles.

A government study shows semi -suicide is a serious problem among two -headed

Soviet Americans.

One head wants to, the other doesn't.

A new law will finally make it easy to eat your meat.

And for the 10th straight week, number

one on your direct hit parade, we were the world.

On Berlin Wall Street, the Mal Jones Index is up in life trading.

United Macho up one and a quarter.

American Aeroflot up three and a quarter.

General Erections down six and a half.

On the Muskegon Commodity, there was heavy trading in punk belly.

Weather today, occasional media showers with some radiation towards nightfall.

The

last

thing you want is a dead pair of running shoes.

New Keys will get you from ground zero to 60 in just a second.

New Key has a thousand shapes to fit every type or combination of feet. Try a

pair or three today.

Good evening, gentlemen and

gentlemen.

Next act.

Me too.

I need a light bulb.

Or a drink.

A church?

We'll be safe in there.

This is your church, right? So, and that makes you a priestess. That means you

can marry us, right? I suppose so.

Sir, we're getting some strange transmissions on the radar sweep.

It seems to be coming from inside the immaculate ass.

Search it. Should I enter the cathedral, sir?

Yes, but don't forget to genuflect.

Do you, Fred Hero, take me?

To be your lawful wedded wife?

You bet.

Yes, ma 'am.

Is that the Virginian agent, ma 'am? I don't know who it is.

Glad I can hear everything that's going on. You better start talking.

Liberty, wait. Right now.

And it better be good.

It beats me, Fred, why you've always got to make a job more complicated than it

really is.

All you have to do is call Mr. Hurst back, and he's going to call you back.

Right. So, are you going to Virginia now, Fred?

Yes.

Tiffagenia. No playing around with any of those earths, bluesies.

No! Good, then I can get some money.

Oh, Fred.

What? You know the Conan's.

The barbarians, sure.

Well, I had them over.

Trixie, if I told you once, I told you a million times, I don't want barbarians

in my house. In my house. In my house. In my house. Well, you may be right.

She's nothing. All breasts and no brain. But he's a riot and... Whoa!

You know what he did? Oh, super shit. There it is.

Trixie, I can't talk now.

People of Earth, I come in peace.

What's wrong with you?

Back in the U .S .S .S .R. are turning out a better sort of mutant these days.

I'm no mutant, baby.

And I'm not your baby, baby.

I'm Una.

I represent the Supreme Council of the Universe.

Incredibly important though I am, I'm gonna beg you to make peace with your

enemies before the universe is destroyed.

Well, I think that's a very beautiful thought.

Don't you, girls?

Lovely. I do!

Women are creatures of peace.

We only await a sign from the scum -sucking, dog -humping, brain -damaged

in the USSR.

And we'll be friends.

Why don't you give them a sign?

Never! Women have got to be strong.

There's no point sitting around all the time like some delicate blossom.

The only thing men understand is force.

And the only way to stop men kicking the shit out of you is to kick the shit out

of you.

That's why we've got this.

Big Mama. Ten times more powerful than the stupid little toy they've got in

their dumb boys' club.

Know what they call it? The Big One.

Big Mama makes the Big One look like a mouse penis.

How does she work?

Get me a scientist.

Explain.

This weapon is the first ever made which has actually arrived.

It is based on the most fundamental form of energy in the universe, the

negative, positive, or male -female principle.

If permitted to combine with its negative counterpart, a chain reaction

result, fusing the negative and positive elements of every atom in existence

into non -matter. In this event, the universe would cease to be.

For this reason, Big Mama has never been deprived and for the last seven years

has received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Thank you.

So you see, they better not mess with us.

Why don't you try sex?

I have.

No, I mean, they're men, sort of, and you're women.

Make whoopee, not war, right?

You interest me strangely.

What are you doing here still? Get out!

Oh, Leader, don't be such a beast. He's ours, too.

Can't we watch at least? Out!

Now,

if you were to show me what you had in mind, I wouldn't feel like starting some

silly war, would I?

Hey, hey, hey, baby.

None of that, baby.

Okay, sugar.

Now I'll just go slip into something a little more comfortable.

She's not that bad looking.

Nice tits. Big, anyway.

Mature.

Very mature.

In a... kind of way.

Knuckle -bunch.

Knuckle -toochie.

Come to daddoms.

Congratulations, officer.

It was nothing, sir. All in a day's work.

In token of my appreciation, take that!

Why did you do that?

Because it touched you.

No man shall ever touch you again, except me. Time has come, my dear,

for us to make our love.

Official, I want to make you my comrade -in -chief.

But I don't love you. I love another... What? That storm in the baggy tights?

The Brazilian spy?

I'll kill them all!

No! I'll do it. Take me.

You never have my heart and mind. But you can have my body.

I can't watch, but please be quick.

It's hard for me to keep my mind blank.

What a needle.

What a man.

Keep moving. That's the

key. Counterpunch, counterpunch.

I'm coming.

I'm ready.

Blows you away, huh?

knew it would.

Well, come on, Mr.

Superhero.

Show me how the earth moves.

I... I can't. I'm married. What?

No, wait. Look.

You have to understand. It's not you.

I'm... I'm a homosexual.

No, stop.

I love you.

Right. Left.

Down. Up two inches.

Three degrees north. Northwest.

Make contact.

I said contact.

Try 13.

Action. Go, go, go.

Okay, cancel. Abort. Over and out.

Forget it. I'll do it myself.

This is it, superheroes.

This is war.

I'm sorry.

Listen, wait.

How about here?

Piss off, wimp.

Please, I don't want to die. Let me talk to the other side.

One last time.

Okie dokie.

There's the other side.

did you? Well, let me tell you something, limp dick. This war was

man, and it's going to be finished by a woman!

Vaginian sisters!

As you know, we never seek war.

Push the button.

A man!

Sisters, we are the future of the planet.

We hold in our hands and within our bodies the secret of all

life.

What shall we do?

Kill!

Gentlemen, we are at war.

The Soviet American way of life.

to volunteer I know there is no braver fighting man on this planet than the

Soviet American which is why I say victory will be

I told you once, commie old friend. I told you a thousand times.

We're impregnable. Who the hell would want to impregnate you, you great cow?

Okay, you leathernecks. Hit the bitches.

Left, right, left.

Left, left.

Left, right, left.

Ha! Two, three, four. Ha! Two, three, four. Three, four. All right.

Now shout it out.

We bring, we bring it out.

Pluck those lats. Drop those lats. Come on ladies, spread that twist. Give those

testicles a twist.

Swim those chummy cats.

Oh, mother, good. Chams and thickets, one, two, wood in one.

He never went up last time. Remember, he's just a hole in the ground.

Thank you.

Little warfare?

You know that's against the rules.

Una, why do you force me to do things I don't want to? Now I'm going to have to

teach you a lesson. Well, you just go ahead, Mr. High and Mighty.

You've always wanted to play God. Why stop now?

Blow up the universe!

You're trying to get me to take the rap?

If anyone's going to end the universe, it's going to be me.

Superheroes are supposed to have things easy. I lost the broad, I lost the

universe, and I probably lost my job.

Ah, what's the use?

Ah, super duper shit!

Super duper shit.

Of course. Thanks for that glowing wimp. I'm invincible.

Right. The church.

I was married to her.

Almost. What a woman. What a body. The only body that ever gave me the time of

the day.

Even in the middle of the night. Me, Fred, the super creep.

I'm gonna get her back.

And the only way that's going to happen is if I save the universe.

Needle dick.

Big sucker.

Ignore her.

Stop the war. Now.

Chicken stuffer.

Dog humpback.

Come on.

Cow. Bonehead. Help me. We've got to find the big one.

What's in it for me?

Something.

Okay, follow me.

Look it.

Come, he's lost his bow.

Okay, baby, show me your stuff.

Maybe later. I have a headache.

That's not quite what I had in mind.

I don't see any big one.

Moonhead, are you sure this is right?

Yes.

Hmm?

Big Mama.

Weapons already activated.

What?

You stupid idiot. Say hello to the big one.

I'm already operational.

It's been nice knowing you.

Order all units.

God pussy.

There's a very special place you can follow my praise.

Play a popcorn music or write every Sunday night.

Hi there.

Crazy people's got it everywhere.

We'll find a new romance on the floor by chance.

Close your eyes and fade away. Let the music sway.

In the tropical heat, we'll follow the beat. Pull the book and pull the hill.

Tell me how it feels.

I don't know.

Sounded like the universe going up.

Oh.

Good riddance.

There's a very special place you can follow my train.

Play a popcorn musical by every Sunday night.

Hi there.

Crazy people's got it everywhere.

They're moving up and down a little.

Do you know what I mean?

You will find a new romance on the floor by chance.

Close your eyes and fade away. Let the music sway.

In the tropical heat, you will follow the beat. Boom, boom, happy over here.

Tell me how it feels.

Aye, aye, mumbo.

We'll be right back.