Original subtitles

[ man singing in foreign language ]

♪

You can’t set foot twice

in the same stream.

Ha ha!

Gotta buy a dream dictionary!

[ snoring ]

[ snoring stops, gasps ]

Gotta get the lights. Let’s see.

Nope, that’s not it.

Nope. And wrong.

Gasp!

Who-what-how-and- sometimes-why am I --

My God, I’m --

The President of the United States!

[ "Hail to the Chief" plays ]

[ crickets chirping ]

[ coyote howls ]

Radio Announcer: Speaking truth to power.

He’s the most dangerous land animal in America.

Peter Potamus!

"HippoWars"!

Today on the show, WW2 was an inside job.

East of the Rockies, you got "HippoWars."

PHIL: Peter Potamus, Phil Ken Sebben.

Mr. President, what an honor!

Listen, I’m wondering if you’d be interested

in bringing your brand of populist,

shadily-financed wisdom

here to DC to join my administration.

Can I still speak truth to power

except when truth becomes inconvenient to power?

Get out here, you!

You heard it here, folks!

I’m movin’ to DC! You got "HippoWars"!

MAN: The 46.5 Hat, in honor of our 46th

and a half president, Phil Ken Sebben.

Made in China but 100% all-American!

Call now and we’ll include a second hat

for just double the price.

♪

[ typewriter clacking ]

♪

Well, dearest wife, I did it.

I finished chapter one of my first thriller,

"A Matter of Wife and Death"!

Plus, I’m married. To a woman!

Harvey, honey, you’ve written 27 thrillers,

most of which are set in airports or bus stations.

Those books don’t count. They were ghost-written

for the world’s best-selling author cum billionaire,

Phil Ken Sebben.

If you like Phil Ken Sebben books

written by Harvey Birdman, buy "Terror on the Tarmac."

- A Phil Ken Sebben book written by Harvey Birdman!

Yep, it’s time the world had a book by --

[ telephone rings ] Harvey Birdman.

Birdman! It’s Phil.

Phil, I was going to call you -- with news!

If your news is that I’m President

and have no memory of it happening,

then, by all means, you go first.

Uh, no, mine has more to do with publishi--

I’m the President, and I can’t be President, Birdman!

"Can’t" as in "it’s impossible" and "don’t want to."

We didn’t even know you were President.

We’ve been off the grid.

I got married, Phil, to a -- Listen closely, Birdman.

There are people out there who don’t want

the truth to come out.

Violent, deadly people.

Buy "Violent Deadly People,"

- a Phil Ken Sebben book written by Harvey Birdman.

♪

Look out!

I forget -- was "Violent Deadly People"

set in a bus or a train station?

I remember tiny toilets.

Anyway, you know, Birdman... Look out.

...I’ve been thinking about another book.

This time our hero has a loss of memory.

He wakes up, doesn’t know who he is,

but then a beautiful woman comes and kisses him,

and in her mouth, she’s got a pill,

and the pill’s got his memories in it

from the Russian government!

Ah, Birdman!

Not sure why you’re here, but good to see you anyway!

I’m here about that "delicate matter."

Birdman, I’m President.

They’re all delicate matters.

[ echoing ] Don’t be shy. You’re among friends here.

Except that guy. My Secretary of, uh...

Vice President.

Secretary of Vice President.

Get me out of this before I do something crazy.

- Like what? - Like this!

Altoids! I’ve been looking for you everywhere, my darlings! [ gasping ]

Come to Papa Tongue.

Aah!

Uh, did you just launch a nuke?

So me, isn’t it?

And in 24 hours, it’ll reach Washington.

- Don’t you mean Moscow? - No, silly!

Launching a rocket at Moscow isn’t crazy.

You have to recall it!

Only another President can recall that missile.

- Why can’t you? - Because I’m crazy, Birdman. We covered that.

And I’m not sure I was even elected.

We need a real president to get it back,

so you’ve got no choice

but to get me out of being president.

You got to impeach me!

Uh...

We’re waitin’.

I’ll take the case?

Ha ha ha!

You can go home again!

Eh.

Tell him what we know, Special Advisor to the President.

- You’re the President. - That’s all we know.

Except I don’t remember running.

Nobody remembers, especially not me.

- That’s all we know. - Number 46.5.

- Saluting. Saluting. - I don’t understand.

- He was elected -- - If I was elected. Saluting.

- What he said. In a non-election year. - One-finger salute.

Someone -- I have no idea who! --

has hijacked the system.

All we know is it’s not a cabal of billionaires

who want to ram ruinous laws down our throats

using a clueless puppet president as cover.

If it were, I’d know.

My entire cabinet’s filthy rich, Birdman!

Filthy and rich.

They never shower because they don’t have to.

Muskmelon!

Harvey: The Department of Justice.

And there she is.

Where? Where? It’s been 90 seconds

since I’ve even seen a she!

He’s talkin’ about Lady Justice.

Oh. Typical Birdman.

Your new home.

The Department of, uh, Lawyers.

[ clown car horn honks ]

I hereby swear you in as the 86th...

- And a half! ...Attorney Corporal!

Remember, Birdman, you serve -- ha ha! --

at my pleasure.

It’s a great honor, sir.

But isn’t the job "Attorney General"?

Look at him. First day and he already wants a promotion.

Millennial.

- Aah! - Go, go!

Everyone, meet Attorney General Birdgirl!

AG Birdgirl, the gang!

Easy, fellas, she’s not here to hurt me.

She’s here to prosecute me.

Which I will do to the utmost of my ability, sir!

But how can I prosecute the President

when I’m really, secretly, his daughter Judy!

No one can ever know my secret identity

because then it’ll seem I got the job

because I’m his daughter,

and that’ll derail my father’s presidency,

and I’ll lose my job, which would mean

my investigation as Attorney General

to end his Presidency would [gasps] end!

Gotta jet. Have to take care of something,

but what exactly...

Would it have to do with recalling the missile you fired?

-...ended up as president! - Got it!

- Unh! - My inauguration!

Never had one.

But now I’m getting impeached,

so why not combine them into one colossal...

BOTH: Inaugurpeachment!

♪

I’m getting Inaugurpeached!

Let’s get this party started!

Planned first, then started.

What are we thinking?

It’s gotta be big!

The biggest ever!

Sure, I guess, but planning an event is all about...

the little things.

♪

♪ Planes soar through the skies ♪

♪ Food that’s all bite-sized ♪

♪ You won’t believe your eye ♪

♪ Tanks and missile floats ♪

♪ Travel-sized bars of soaps ♪

♪ I’m already in black-tie ♪

♪ ’Cause we’re planning an Inaugurpeachment ♪

♪ So big it’ll be fit for kings ♪

♪ I’ll tell you my party-planning secret ♪

♪ It’s all about the little things ♪

♪ The biggest marching bands ♪ ♪ You’ve got tiny hands ♪

♪ Not proportional to my glands ♪

Ha ha!

♪ It will be so fun ♪

♪ Never to be outdone ♪

Back off! ♪ I’ve got a shrink gun ♪

♪ Wanna know his party-planning secret? ♪

♪ It’s all about the little things ♪

♪ It’s gonna be so stupendous ♪

♪ Tiny things are so tremendous ♪

♪ It’s all about the little things ♪

Birdman, meet our amazing assistant...

Dierdre!

I...don’t see anyone.

She’s right there. You’re offending her.

Uh, hi, there, "Dierdre." [ Chimes ]

- Harvey Birdman... - Gaah!

- ...an attorney and former superhero

who now writes political thriller/spy novels.

Would you like to hear his theme song?

MAN: Ha! Come on.

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat with the beak? ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman, Attorney General ♪

Yoww!

Dierdre, any messages? [ Chimes ]

I ordered more fabric-softener sheets,

and there are 19 hours before Washington

is destroyed by a nuclear weapon.

Man, I haven’t whiffed a dryer sheet in years.

[ inhales deeply ]

Mmm. Total sense memory.

Dierdre, how do you impeach a president?

Researching.

Would you like to hear songs

from Turner’s music library?

♪

Aah!

♪

Seven hours and no closer to a smoking gun.

Egg roll?

It’s nearly impossible to impeach a president.

I can’t put my finger on why,

but I feel like the answer’s in here.

Wait. That’s it!

Which is why, I said with disdain in my voice,

you can’t tell a cannoli joke anymore.

They’ve declared war on cannoli jokes, Potabots!

[ cheers and applause ]

Peter, Peter, can I just ask you a question?

Where does your funding come from for PeterPotaPAC?

Well, you’re so smart, you tell me.

That’s $19.95!

That one’s on the house.

And by on the house, I mean $12.95.

♪

No, I think the book argues the opposite.

I’m reading a great book.

- Oh? What’s it about? - Eh...

Carefully...

It’s about...

talking about great books you’ve read at parties.

I haven’t heard of it.

Do you have that book about talking

about great books you’ve read at parties?

[ door knocks ]

Hey, should we be stocking the book about

talking about great books you’ve read at parties?

Hey, Raleigh, you realize I can’t hear you

until I open the door, right?

- I want the book! - Where’s the book?!

MAN: You want us to come to bookstores!

MAN #2: What is a bookstore without the book?!

Computer: Searching. Error. No such product.

MAN #3: Error 404?

[ electricity crackling ]

Aah!

♪

Mr. President, the invitations are ready.

Come to daddy!

"The Presidential Inaugural Committee

requests the honor of your presence

at the Inaugurpeachment of Philippian Kenneth Sebben,

President of the United States --

for now -- tonight, 6:00 PM hyphen question mark."

Annnnnnnd tweeting.

He’s tweeting again! We gotta hurry! [ phone chimes ]

Dierdre, please send him in.

[ Chimes ] Playing deposition classics.

♪

Have a seat, Mr. Potamus.

[ chuckles ] Love the vibe.

We’ve been doing some digging and --

Fine! You got me!

The book doesn’t exist!

I get nervous makin’ small talk at parties!

What are you talking about?

Mr. Potamus, we wanted to ask you --

Fine! You got me!

I helped get Phil Ken Sebben elected,

but you’ll never be able to prove it!

♪

I don’t even got hooves! I got hands!

You weren’t supposed to get this far.

We’re fa-- Shh!

Th-Th-They’ll try to silence me.

Deadly people.

violent, deadly people are comin’ for me!

You tell us what you know about how Dadd--

Phil -- got elected,

and we’ll get you protection and a good sentence.

You and nouns and verbs.

What the hell. I’m done in this town.

Everything you need to know.

Right here.

- Ice cream? - No, Iceland!

The country!

You try cursivein’ with hooves!

[ tropical birds chirping ]

’Kay.

Oof.

’Kay...

’Kay... Noh-kay!

So, let me get this straight, man.

We are doing all this, man, just in case he’s coming over?

Oh, he’ll come over, all right.

Overdue for a visit.

Only a matter of time.

Think the comma’s too much?

I thought you had like, moved on, man.

[ chuckles ] Oh, I have!

I just want him to see that I have moved on!

Needs to see it!

[ laughs evilly ]

[ coughs ]

I’ve gotta give up dairy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Those mangoes took hours to ball!

[ telephone ringing ]

Tangy! Phone!

Eh. Bring it.

Ernie, it’s me.

- Aburfed? - Me who?

Me me! Phil!

- Oh, that’s good. - Ken Sebben!

Who’s that? - My first name? Phil!

- What? - Yeah, ol’ Phil Ken Sebben!

- Eh. - No, that’s my middle name.

- Uh, ri. - Sebben?

Uh, think it’s Polish. Don’t know. [ snoring ]

Listen, I’m having an Inaugurpeachment,

and I need a big, enormous, dumbass stunt

that’s not gonna bankrupt the Treasury

because I ran as a fiscal conservative.

- No, you didn’t. - Money’s no object.

- Yo! - Have at it.

[ motor revving ]

You think this is it?

HAVEY: Uh...

Man: Your cares are erased, your troubles gone...

and just like that, your cares are erased.

- Cares, cares, cares are erased, gone...

Uh...

Want to strangle your kids?

Want to strangle someone else’s kids?

Want to take a vacation but don’t have the cash?

-Take a Mind Break. - Mind break.

For a small fee, we’ll take your mind and store it

in our beautifully temperature-controlled vault

in Upstate New York.

- Mind Break -- a staycation for the mind.

Booo-weee-ooooo! Booo-weee-oooo.

Mentok the Mind Taker!

A huge number of people’s minds

were taken in a single day several weeks ago.

Did you do that?!

No, that was Elon Musk.

Of course I did that!

I was paid to break the minds

of 140 million Americans --

and a few Canadians --

so they would go to the polls and vote a comatose

Phil Ken Sebben into office and have no memory of doing so!

The perfect crime.

Until I told you about it.

And we have you to thank, Harvey.

What?

You were dead -- hit by a bus.

I swooped in, mind-broke you,

and repaired your body here in the lab --

and while I was at it, used you as an external hard drive

for my extensive airport thriller audiobook collection!

You were the first Mind Breaker, the Prototype.

Which is why I named you Adam.

But my name’s Harvey. I call you Adam.

Who paid you?!

I hope you brought your hearin’ ears,

because I’m about to -- [ doorbell rings ]

Oh, that’s the UPS guy.

If I’m not up there within 15 seconds,

I’m out of toilet paper for a month.

Bump me.

Latitude and l-o-o-o-ongitude!

- Why do I have an erec-- - Oh, that’s mine.

Give it back. Bwoop.

Dierdre:Traffic accident reported ahead.

Road may be wet.

Recalculating.

Wheeee! Oh!

Hey, it’s Harvey, right?

♪

Exit elevator.

In 32 steps, the destination will be behind the door.

Um, if you want the room, you have to book it through the app.

Blast the flex-workers.

Want my dad’s password or whatever?

Nah, I just wait till somebody

puts the whole episode up on YouTube.

Ohh!

Ahh!

The destination is in the desk.

♪

If you’re looking for your stapler, I already sold it.

And your house.

Market was hot.

HARVEY: Quick update. Number one --

There’s a missile headed toward Washington

that’ll impact in an hour. [ gasping ]

Two -- President Phil Ken Sebben fired that missile. [ gasping ]

Three -- because he’s crazy. [ gasping ]

Please hold your gasps until the end. Yes, Hallie?

- So you’re saying he’s crazy? - Yes.

He was never elected because it’s not an election year.

Everyone’s brain was put on pause.

You woke up with a new President and didn’t question it.

It took President Sebben to question it --

brave, noble and...

my daddy.

Is that a euphemism?

Did the President force you to role-play?

And who was behind this illegitimate presidency?

Well, I have the receipt right here.

It was...

- ice cream? - Who?

Fine! You got me!

I did it for the merch.

These hats are a gold mine!

And when he’s impeached, these tings’ll be collector’s items!

You still owe me $12.95.

Come on, people, we got our party to get on!

Now that we’ve established this man wasn’t elected,

we can reinstate the former President to recall the missile.

Ladies and gentlemen, Black Vulcan!

Miss me much?

"Hey, everyone, we’re post-racial!"

Uh, what am I doing again?

Key won’t turn. That’s bad, right?

It’s supposed to turn, isn’t it?

Of course it won’t!

I’m not impeached!

Read your Constitution, people!

Swiped this from a Gold Star family.

I might have an idea.

[ chuckles ]

Now somebody needs me.

Just as I planned going on two decades ago.

The prey becomes the...

mm...

the prey.

X, remember that rocket I had you build, from the, uh...

- the black budget? - The one we built for killer asteroids?

And white supremacists, yeah, that one.

We need you to fire it at a missile headed towards DC.

Oh! Okay, then!

Let me just -- uh, wait a second here.

What if there is a killer asteroid?

- Come on! - Right, right, tomorrow’s problem.

Here we go!

[ motor sputters ]

Come on, come on!

[ motor starts ]

[ dials clicking, squeaking ]

[ whistling ]

Hey, you guys do a pizza roll?

Hey! I didn’t order this!

It was sent by someone special.

Normally, I’d question why the last part of your sentence

was said so ominously, but this sushi ain’t normal.

It’s scrum-choo-us.

Could I get another pair of chopsticks?

Gaah! [ choking ]

They got me!

Violent, deadly people got me!

Hey, ginger!

Aah!

Uh, can we hurry this up?

[ cheers and applause ]

[ cellphone rings ]

- PHIL: Not it. - What?

Don’t know what rocket that was, but it’s not the one I launched.

He’s right, there’s another rocket.

You got to impeach me.

[ "Hail to the Chief" plays ]

♪

14.3 miles to glory, baby!

Jumpin’ the sw-a-a-a-amp!

[ motor revs ]

♪

♪

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

Aah!

♪

A-n-n-nd we’re impeached!

The penalty for defacing a monument

is up to five months in prison or impeachment!

Way to go Da-sident Phil!

Not the Samuel Hahnemann Memorial!

Invented homeopathic medicine. Completely saved my sinuses.

Look.

I, Black Vulcan, do solemnly swear --

The rest is boilerplate. Push it!

After years of ghost writing,

I was ready not only to write my own book

but make myself the hero of my own book.

And the hero...

of your own life.

Oh, meh.

- I’m ready to stop -- - I’m here to announce my new book --

"United States of Amnesia," by Phil Ken Sebben!

And soon to be a major motion picture,

starring Tyler Perry as me.

But, you know... urban.

[ birds singing ]

Fish dinner tonight, honey?

STYLIST: "Even though theirs was a loving marriage,

and Harvey didn’t own any firearms,

a jury found him -- and only him --

and certainly not Phil Ken Sebben, guilty of...

wife and death." Wait, wait.

Who framed Harvey?

Shush.

♪

♪

[ inhales deeply ]

I live.

I live to send more tings!

Hey, ginger.

Aah!

♪

♪