All language subtitles for [疯狂世界].Its.a.Mad.Mad.Mad.Mad.World.1963.DVDRip.XviD-WRD.CD1.eng

It's a mad, mad, mad--

Did you see it,
the way he went sailing right out there?

-He just went sailing out there.
-It was just terrible.

He must have been doing over 80.

An ambulance....
We ought to call an ambulance.

Look at that car.

He must have gone by you
doing 90 miles an hour.

He was passing me!
I never saw such a crazy thing in my life!

-Let's get down there.
-Let's go.

We're going down there.

Russell, be careful.
Remember your condition.

Boy, the way he just sailed out there....

Look out.

There's nobody in the car.

-He's right.
-What do you mean, nobody?

There he is.

Holy smoke!

How about that? This guy's still alive.

He's still alive.

We ought to call an ambulance.

I don't know how he survived,
the way you went sailing right out there.

I'm not a doctor,
but I have some medical experience.

I'm a dentist.

Do you think you're hurt real bad?

Is he kidding?

Hold on, we're gonna get you to a hospital.

You move me, I'll break up in little pieces.

But what a deal.

Look, there's this dough, see?

There's all this dough: $350,000!

Do you hear what I'm saying?

$350,000!

In the park, in Rosita,
Rosita Beach State Park...

...just south of Dago in Santa Rosita.

It's in this box buried under this....

Buried under this big W.

You'll see it.

You'll see it under this big W.

You can't miss it, a big W.

And it's been laying there for 15 years.

He's very sick. He may die.

Listen. I tell you, I'm giving it to you.

And don't let them kid you.

Don't let them give you the business
because it was mine and I paid for it...

...paid for every lousy buck of it.

But watch out.

Watch out for the bulls.

Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere.

Bulls all over the place.

You just drive down and dig it up.

Dig it all up.

And then you fix yourselves all up.

Fix yourselves all up.

Walk down the street like a king,
back to the old neighborhood.

See the fellas, the dames...

...the dames, all with a big hello...

...a big hello for old Smiler.

Good old Smiler...

...everybody's friend.

Everybody's....

-Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!
-Holy mackerel! Take it easy.

Please, say it don't make
any difference, Aunt Belle!

Please, you got to say....

You got to tell me
it don't make any difference!

For heaven's sake, tell him.

It don't make any difference.

That guy's dead. You'd better believe it.

I believe it, all right.

But if he jumps up again,
I'm getting the hell out of here.

-What a routine he went through.
-Somebody ought to cover him up.

What are you looking at?
All I got is this sweater.

I got a blanket in the truck.

Do you think
there was anything in all that?

He was just raving. He flipped.

This must be the police.

Think we ought to tell them what he said?

Don't say anything or we'll be here all day.

We got to be in Vegas this afternoon.

I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma.

My wife and I are on
our second honeymoon.

My wife's up there with her mother.
We're on our way to Lake Mead.

What's to argue about? Just clam up.
Don't say nothing.

This way, we get out of here.

Are you a police officer?

Yep!

-How long ago did this happen?
-A few minutes ago.

About five minutes ago.

Any of you actually see it happen?

-He passed me on the curve--
-Did anybody actually see it?

He was passing me
when he sailed right out there.

-Right over there, up there.
-Who was the first down here?

We all went down.

Was he dead?

Was he already dead?

I said, "Was he already dead
when you got down here?"

Practically.

He was still alive. Did he say anything?

-Did he say anything before he died?
-What about?

What do you mean, "what about?"

Did he say anything
or didn't he say anything?

-He was raving, Officer.
-Raving? What about?

What he said was sort of....

Embarrassing.

What was? Come on.

He thought that this fellow was his aunt.

-His aunt?
-Yeah. His Aunt Belle.

Must have had an aunt named Aunt Belle.

All right!

Did he make any kind of statement?
Any last messages?

He didn't make that clear at all.

He didn't make anything clear.
Can we get going?

Just a minute.

I'll get your names
and where you can be reached.

We're on our honeymoon.
We don't know where we'll be.

We can't stick around.

We're due in Las Vegas.
We don't know how long we'll stay there.

I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma
before I get back to--

We stopped to see if we could help.

We was too late. Let us go, okay?

We'll hold services for him later.
We got our lives to live.

-We ain't had breakfast yet.
-All right.

I'll have to get your name, anyway.

Hold it.

Me?

-Why?
-In case the coroner wants a statement.

J. Russell Finch,
2790 Penrose Boulevard, Fresno.

I won't be home for a few weeks
but you can get me through my office.

-What'd you say?
-Where is your office?

Pacific Edible Seaweed Company
and it's in Fresno.

-You can call my secretary.
-Ambulance is on its way.

Yeah.

-Is he dead?
-Yeah.

We'd better shift those cars.
They're on the curb.

That's all we can get from this group.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thanks.

There's an unexpected twist for you.

They're not going to like this
down at Santa Rosita.

-Culpeper's going to scream.
-Yeah.

-We better get our story straight if you--
-What story?

He woke up as usual.
He started driving his car.

He stopped for breakfast.

He went to the gents' room,
climbed out the back window.

So what? Even Culpeper can't say
we should've been in there with him.

What got me is the way
he went sailing out there.

If I have to climb much more,
I'll be laying there with him.

Poor soul.

Melville, what happened?

We couldn't do anything for him.
Nothing we could do. Come on.

Well?

-It was a terrible thing.
-Russell, I feel sick.

Take it easy. These things happen.

What kind of attitude is that,
"these things happen"?

They only happen because this country
is full of people...

...who, when things happen,
just say, "These things happen."

-And that's why they happen!
-Let's try not to get upset.

Come on.

We got to have control
of what happens to us.

If we left it up to you,
we'd never hear the last of it.

You're right.

Do you know what those half-wit morons
up in Sacramento do about it?

They just sit there
with their big feet up on their big desk...

-...milking 15 million people of as much--
-Listen, I want to say something.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I've got to say something.

-What are you looking at?
-I'm watching something.

Benjy, turn around, sit still.

-Play it straight.
-They're not kiddin'. They went for it.

Yeah? What are you going to do now?

I want you to tell me everything
that man told you, word for word.

Don't leave out anything.

But do you think he really meant it?

Monica, I don't know about anybody else,
but some of them believed it.

Like those two back there.
Don't look over there!

I know where it is. It's under a big W.
That's what he said.

Like a windmill or a waterfall
or something.

I hope it's not under a waterfall.

Think of something that starts with a W.

Wealth. Which.

Let's see. Where.

Work. That's it.
I got to work on where it is.

One thing Dr. Carroll said was
Russell was to have no undue excitement...

...for at least two weeks
because of his condition.

-But--
-That's why we came on this trip...

...so Russell could relax.
You should have told the police.

You keep saying that.
What's the police got to do with it?

I think the police were chasing him.
They drove up so fast.

Why shouldn't they've been chasing him?
He was speeding.

I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.

You mean his financial condition,
because that's the only condition he has.

Do you know why your husband
had a nervous breakdown?

It's because he has sunk $40,000,
including $15,000 of my money...

...into a company that makes
seaweed for people to eat.

Not only does nobody like it,
it costs $4 a can.

-Yeah, but--
-"Yeah, but," what?

Most people like it and I like it.

I'm working hard,
trying to keep the costs down.

You were working hard
to keep the costs down...

...the day you ran
into the street screaming.

-Mother!
-Emmeline, shut up! And you, too!

Maybe he was playing
a trick on everybody.

Did you think about that?
He might have been a practical joker.

Monica! Practical!

What kind of man is going to play
a practical joke on complete strangers...

...with every bone in his body broken?

-Watch! Watchtower!
-No.

-Wall...
-No.

-Walnut tree.
-No, no!

-Walnuts.
-No!

-In bags.
-No!

Why are we doing only 35?
Step on it! See what happens.

-Mother!
-They'll see what we're doing.

Go ahead and try it.
What've you got to lose?

Mother, he's not that good a driver.

Going to leave the big boy behind?

What are you doing?
Why are we slowing down?

It's no use. We can't lose them this way.

The inside of my stomach....

What's that idiot in the truck doing?

What's he doin' back there?

I bet he's running out of gas. Good!

What happened to you?

-Having trouble with your engine?
-Run out of gas?

-What, you bend your tailpipe?
-No. It was just one of my tires.

I thought....

Shucks! Okay, so I was trying to....

Rats.

This whole thing....
I think we're making a big mistake.

-I absolutely agree.
-So?

We're being silly running around like this.

-Sure. We're getting nowhere.
-By george, he's right.

Let's do something sensible.
Let's just discuss this thing...

-...and reason something out.
-I'm with you.

And we can come to some conclusion
like intelligent people.

Let's do that: what he said.

That way nobody will have an advantage
on one another, right?

It's fair.

We'd better get the cars off that curve.

Let's not talk here, but over there.
There's plenty of room.

Fine, see you over there.

Over there.

You're through to Homicide.

Santa Rosita Police Station...

...Detective Division.

I'm connecting you now.
Santa Rosita Police Station.

Detective Division. Matthews.

No, Sheriff, the Chief isn't here.
He's a little late this morning.

I'll stay late after school. Who is it?

-Sheriff, Crockett County.
-Who?

-That's where the Smiler is.
-I wonder if anything happened.

Gertie, will you put that call through here?

How about some coffee, Schwartz?

Hello, Sheriff. Culpeper.

What'd he do, make a break?
What happened?

Afraid I got some bad news.

-Grogan's cashed in his chips.
-He what?

He crashed his car about 20 minutes ago.

He was making a break, all right.

How did it happen? Where did it happen?

On 39, about 18 miles east
of Danby Junction.

-Nine miles west of Valley Center.
-Were there any witnesses?

A few people went down
to see if they could help.

-Was he killed outright?
-I don't know, but I can find out.

Do that. See what they said.

Thanks very much, Sheriff.

It's a great way to start the day.

You wait for 15 years
to solve a really important case...

...and just when you....

It's all right, Chief. I'll get it for you.

He did it again.

Get that fella's number! Get his number!

Get that fella's number! Get his number!

Item: one large furniture van.
Item: one red Volkswagen.

That's them. Call in.

2-1-6-2, 2-1-5-8.

We just made all four of them
parked alongside the road.

They're standing there talking. Over.

Sammy, let that ambulance go.
And stay by the radio.

The man said there was a certain amount
of money buried in this park.

Under a big W.

What is a big W?

We find out, we'll send you a wire.

It's only a possibility
that this man was telling the truth.

If it was the truth, then it is a fact
that this place is almost 200 miles away.

I suggest we quietly get into our cars...

...and drive down there
at a safe, sound speed...

...keeping in sight of each other.

When we get there, we dig up the money,
providing there is money...

...and if we do find it, we share it
amongst us in a simple manner.

He's got a point. He's got something.

-I think we should go straight to the police.
-The police? Why?

It's all right, she's with us.
What's this "fair shares for everybody"?

We arrived in four vehicles. I think
we should split it up in four quarters.

Four quarters?
What are you talking about? Quarters?

You mean you three each get a quarter
and we have to split a quarter?

That's right. What are you trying to pull?

-Seems fair to me.
-Naturally, it's fair to you.

-It just cheats us, that's all.
-$350,000 divided by four is...

...let's say, $87,500.

That's what it is.

The three of you get $87,500
and Benjy and I have to split.

There was five of us down at the wreck.
We should split it five ways.

He's right. We should.

I'm perfectly willing to discuss it
in a five-way manner.

We can discuss it in a five-way manner,
five shares...

...each share would be $70,000--

$70,000?

Holy mackerel!

You realize how many loads
I'd have to haul from Modesto to Yuma--

You're overlooking one thing.

-We're overlooking--
-What little thing?

-What little thing?
-We can all count.

-There were eight of us.
-There were eight of us.

Speaking for my wife and myself,
we'd be just as happy--

Happy with two-eighths instead
of a quarter? Awfully big of you.

Wait a minute, hold it.
Put it back the way it was before.

Either one quarter for each car,
including the van, or one fifth for each guy.

-Just because this old bag has to stick--
-How dare you!

Chief, we got a situation here
that is absolutely incredible.

-Look, Smiler Grogan...Remember him?
-Yes.

Smiler Grogan spent the night here, see?

Made his break this morning.

He drove up this way, got to here,
crashed and killed himself.

But before he died,
some people stopped to help him.

They are now stopped here, talking.

I think they're arguing about something.

And a Crockett County unit
has got them under observation.

We give shares to everybody
and for everything.

Now, there are eight of us.

There's eight shares for that.
Then there were four vehicles.

If we give four shares for that,
that's 12 shares already.

There were five of us
who went down to the wreck.

We give five shares for that.

That makes it 17, right?

Now, 17 shares and then we add...

...the same number of shares
as people in each vehicle.

Three for your group, two for yours,
two for us, and one for you.

That adds up to 25 shares.

25 into 350,000 is $14,000 per share.

Figured like that would mean...

...you'd get three shares for being
three people, one for the car...

...one share for going down
and looking at the wreck...

...and three for being
three more people in the car.

A total of eight shares,
giving you $112,000.

That should cover everything,
including the emancipation of women.

Let's see now.

I got one share for being one person...

...one share for going down the hill,
one share for the truck...

...one share for being a person in the truck.

But no matter how you figure it out,
I still don't get as much as anybody else.

Let me explain it once more.

Their group, they, those three of them,
they get $112,000, right?

Those over there, them, they get $97,000.

We, us, we get $84,000.

And you, by yourself, you get $56,000...

...alone.

-That's tax-free money.
-What do you mean, tax-free?

If we go down to this park
and we uncover the money....

I'm sure he's not going to declare anything.

I know he's not going to declare anything.

-I'm not going to declare--
-What are you talking about, declare it?

I mean, it's like non-taxable income.

It's like a gift.

If we find the money,
we still have to report the taxes.

Otherwise, it's like stealing
from the government.

You explain it to him, please.

Who me?

If we find the money,
there may not be taxes to pay on it...

...because we found it.

-What he was trying to say is--
-Everybody has to pay taxes.

Even businessmen that rob,
steal and cheat people every day...

...even they have to pay taxes.

I give up.
Anybody got a better, fairer plan, go ahead.

There were eight of us there,
so that simply means eight shares.

-Three for us, two for you--
-This is hopeless.

We'll get no place if we continue
listening to this old bag.

Lady, you trying to split us up
so every man's for himself?

And every woman for himself?

One more funny remark from you--

-Let's get out of here.
-Please, don't argue anymore.

We figured it 17 different ways.

Every time we figured it, it was no good.

No matter how we figured it,
somebody didn't like it.

Now there's only one way to figure it.

And that is, every man...

...including the old bag, for himself!

-Good luck and may the best man win!
-Right!

Except you, lady. May you just drop dead!

All right. We all agree on that.

Look, let's be sensible about this thing.
There's money in this for all of us.

There's enough for you.
There's enough for you...

...for me...

...and for you...

...and there's enough for--

Melville, my shoe!

Get in the car!

2-1-5-8, 2-1-6-2, four cars under observation
are passing this checkpoint.

Lead car is Plymouth station wagon.

Next, the Ford van, the Volkswagen...

...and the Chrysler Imperial convertible,
all doing about 50.

Yep, they're on their way.

-All traveling in the same direction?
-Right. According to my boys...

...they're all
on reckless driving charges already.

None of those people must suspect
that anybody's interested in them.

Now, Sheriff,
will you get on to Capt. Hardesty...

...and see how many helicopters
he can let us have?

I'll see what we can do
and I'll call you back.

Now, where have I always told you
that the Smiler hid the dough?

-I know.
-Where?

-Right there.
-That's right, yeah.

If these merrymakers decide to go for it...

...they'll go to the crossroads
and turn south.

But why did Smiler head east
when he made his break...

...if the money is down here somewhere?

Aloysius, the guy is just being clever.
You can't--

5 will get you 10...

-...they turn south at the crossroads.
-You got yourself a bet.

"Mount Shasta National Forest."
Are we near--

That's on the top!
Look down near the bottom.

-Are we near Oregon?
-That's 700 miles from here.

Don't pass it!

You'll lose your license.

We've got the lmperial
and we're running last?

I can't pass them on the curves.

Go on. Go ahead. Look, there's a space!

You waiting for an engraved invitation?

Get over!

Get over to the side where you belong!

I said it before and I'll say it again.

I didn't want to move to California.

-Did you find it yet?
-I can't find it anywhere.

Take the wheel. Give me the map.

Take the wheel! Give me the map.

It must be here.
Right over here. Valley Center!

It's right here.

There's an airfield not far--

Get it off your face!

-Get it off me!
-Don't go in there!

Swing over! Watch out!

-Take it off.
-Get it off!

I've had enough.

-They're going to hire airplanes.
-Never mind. Go!

-But they'll be there hours before--
-I said never mind. Let's go!

Nobody's getting me up in the air.

I wanted to be reasonable,
give them reasonable shares.

No. They wanted every man for himself.

I'm going to show them
what kind of man they're dealing with.

It's stalled, Benjy.
We got dust in the carburetor.

When the people who own this see this,
I sure hate to think--

Never mind.

Here's the bike. Get to the nearest phone
and hire the best car you can find.

But this is a girl's bike.
This is for a little girl.

I've got to get this stuff back
so I can lock up the van.

We'll put everything away.
Will you get going? Hurry.

Okay.

I got to admit...

...I feel kind of silly.

You know what I mean?

Will you take us or won't you?

For $250, I guess I will.

You take care of the plane.
We'll leave our car here till tomorrow.

-I'll give you a check.
-Check?

Traveler's check from the Bank of America.
Don't worry.

Are you a pilot? Is there a plane around?

Right both times.

Where's an airplane? I don't see any.

There's only one. We've chartered it.

-So you and your friend--
-Did you make a deal with them?

-Right.
-Where can we charter another plane?

-Nearest place is North Valley.
-Where's that?

Other side of Valley Center,
about 12 miles, 15 miles.

-Excuse us.
-Filibuster, filibuster.

You can stick around
and watch us take off.

Listen, dentist. I hate dentists.

I hate you so much, I'm not able to tell
you how much in front of your wife.

Vice versa.

Come on over here! Come on!

Good morning.

-Good morning.
-Had an accident?

-Anyone hurt?
-No, but we've got to get to a phone.

Can you give us a lift?

Of course, I should be absolutely delighted.

Upsy-daisy.
I'm afraid you caught me on the hub there.

Madam, do be careful.
I have some cactus specimens--

I'm most frightfully sorry.

I've been gathering some samples
of desert flora.

Where shall I put this?

Boy.

Good morning.

It certainly is. We're in a hurry.
We've got to get to a phone.

Of course, with pleasure.

Jolly nasty accident there.
Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Where did you get that funny accent?
Are you from Harvard or something?

Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Sounds so foreign.

Really? I say,
we haven't introduced ourselves.

My name is Algernon Hawthorne--
Col. Hawthorne.

-You're a colonel?
-Lieutenant colonel, actually.

My name is Finch. This is my wife.

This is my mother-in-law, Mrs. Marcus.

Do stuff those in the back.

Cactus. It's rather a hobby of mine.

Spent the last 10 days
gathering some for my collection.

Nothing spectacular, actually.

Cereus echinocactus, opuntia.
That sort of thing.

Been enjoying a spot of leave
from Vandenberg.

-From what?
-Vandenberg.

The missile place.

I've been attached there
for the last 10 months. Liaison work.

All very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh.

That sort of thing, you know.

Please, will you look at the road?

Yes.

-Don't stop! Keep moving!
-Mother!

That big stupid lout! He ran into us.
Keep moving!

I won't fly in this old...Listen to it.

Look at how it's shuddering.

Can't we go on our second honeymoon
and forget all about this?

Honey, please, darling.
Believe me, everything is all right.

Do you think I'd take a chance with you
if there was any danger in flying this thing?

This plane is really built.

When was this plane built?

1916.

1916.

1916. These planes are tried and true.

There's nothing experimental
about these planes.

So, come on.
Let's have one big adventure.

Get up there and have some fun.
Here we go.

-That scratched the paint.
-Help!

Haven't you got another car--

What? All right. Thanks.

Are you sure you can't rent us that truck?
I'll pay.

I told you, we can't.

This is our first week open.
How could we do without our truck?

We're in business.

We'll have to speak to the Englishman.
If we tell him what happened--

How can you admit we're involved--

-He'll say he's entitled to a share.
-He would be if he drove us there.

If we don't tell him, he won't.

You're such a genius.

Listen! Only 10 percent!

There's no reason
he should expect any more!

Thanks for stopping.
Can you give me a lift?

What's with the kiddy bicycle?
Are you some kind of a nut?

No. I had an accident.
I got to get to Santa Rosita fast.

Can't help you.
I'm turning off a little way up.

Wait, let me think.

I got to tell somebody.
Could you spare a couple of hours?

Couple of hours?

You've been out in the sun too long.
You're starting to crack up.

Wait a minute. Listen.

Just hear me out.

What I'm going to tell you, you just
ain't going to believe it could've happened.

There was an accident here
a little while back...

...about 20 miles back.
It involved $350,000.

Now, like I say...

...when I tell you this, you just ain't going
to believe it could've happened.

Try me. I'm pretty gullible.

What bothers me is this big W.

You sure you told me all you know?
You don't know what that guy meant?

No, none of them know.
It's just who gets there first.

What do you say? Is it a deal?

Deal!

Kid, you better get that bike out of there.
Somebody could trip over it in the dark.

Fellas, I'm glad you're here.
Look, I need your help.

I had this blowout.
I think a spare's in the back.

It may be a little flat.
Is there an airport anyplace around?

If the spare's flat, don't fix it.
Give me a new tire.

You ain't got a new tire, fix the spare.

But don't look at me, move it.
You could be gassing up.

What is it, a staring contest?
Move, move, will you? Come on!

The pension in my grade...

...has not been upped
one red cent since 1934.

If the Mayor will get behind a resolution--

What can I do?
I can't put any pressure on the Mayor!

You can, Al.

That's the whole point.

This case, I'll have finished by tonight.

It's one of the biggest cases
we've ever had across our books.

Tell the Mayor about it.

Tell him the money is right here,
where I always said it was...

...right in this neighborhood.

Tell him what credit will be reflected
upon the department.

Come on, Aloysius,
get in there and pitch for me.

I can try.

He'll listen to you.

If he gets behind this,
it'll pass unanimously.

Now, you know....

You know, Al, I got it coming.

I'll do everything I can.

-You know that, don't you?
-Yes.

There's just one other little thing....

No. Nothing.

Vacation.

Once I get Smiler Grogan out of the way,
my desk is clear.

I'd like to take a three-week vacation.
Take Ginger on a real nice holiday.

-Is that all right with you?
-Of course it's all right.

Thanks. I can hardly wait to tell her.

-You won't forget about the Mayor?
-No.

I'll do my best. I promise you that.

Aloysius, I'll never forget you for this.

You know something, Al?
I got a feeling this morning...

...that everything's coming my way.

Sylvester!

-Why did you do that?
-Why are you shouting?

-Do you have to scare everybody?
-Are you crazy?

Why didn't I think?

We've been running around like lunatics.

Why didn't I think about Sylvester?
He's sitting there right now.

-He lives on Silver Strand Beach.
-I never thought of that.

-Who on earth is Sylvester?
-My son, Emmeline's brother.

He's a lifeguard there.

I'm not entirely certain
that you haven't damaged this machine.

Kid, don't mind polishing.
I got a lot of cars. Don't bother.

You did a good job.

Have a drink on me. Keep the change.

I took care of your buddy. Let me go now.

You!

No! It's that lunatic
who escaped from the asylum!

Watch him! He's a homicidal maniac!

Get on the phone, yell "Mayday."

Listen to me. I'm a psychiatrist.

This man is insane! I'm not your nurse.

He has a hate complex.

Calm down!

Somebody will stumble
over the bicycle in the dark, huh?

When I finish with you,
they'll be stumbling over you in the dark!

Get on the phone!

Look out!

Look, I was clowning.

Get out of here! Sir, wait a minute.

You've got this all...Why don't you stop?

I tell you. I'll kill you!

You got this...Wait!

Don't take it so....

Will you stop staring and get out of....

He's out of his head.

-He's crazy!
-Want us to call...Ray!

It's a brand-new pump!

-Get out of here!
-Stop that!

Stop that! He's crazy!

Very good. Quick thinking.
I'm proud of you.

Very good. Tie him up.

I'll have some orderlies come by
with a straitjacket.

-Very good. I'm proud of you.
-I never saw anything....

-How many people has he killed?
-There'll be more.

Tie him up for the boys
in the white jackets.

I'm proud of you, boys.
You did a real good job.

Look me up. I'm in the book. Dr. Zillman.

-Sir, we've got to get to Santa Rosita.
-I tell you, this is a club.

We don't do charters.
Nobody here can take you.

-Whose plane is that?
-That belongs to Mr. Tyler Fitzgerald.

He isn't going anywhere today.

-Is he here? Can we see him?
-Mr. Fitzgerald's in the billiard room.

-He's asleep. Nobody can talk to him.
-Can we ask him a question?

No, you can't.

Hello? Wait a minute!

Come on, Benjy.
That must be Mr. Fitzgerald over there!

-You can't disturb Mr. Fitzgerald!
-We just want to talk to him.

-Let him rest, please.
-Hello.

Don't shush me!
We're trying to talk to him.

Wake up, won't you please?

I think he's got a cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald, listen. Please, sir.

We hate to disturb your sleep,
but it's an emergency.

You've no right to crash in here.

That's a head cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald,
you know where Rosita Beach is?

-Only you can get us there.
-It's a matter of life and death.

Right, a matter of life and death.

-It's our grandmother. She's dying.
-Who's dying?

Our grandmother is dying
and she's sent for us.

She's in Rosita Beach.
She's dying and we're up here.

She'd like us with her when she goes.

Otherwise, she won't go.

-She'll go.
-Sir, they forced their way in here.

No, we didn't. Let me introduce myself.

I'm Dingy Bell. This is Benjy Benjamin.

-How do you do?
-Don't start with that!

Sir, we'd like you to help us out
by taking us down--

-What's the matter?
-Wait just a minute.

I can't see!
Something's happened to my eyes.

I can't see!

You can't see? He can't see.

-Must be an eye cold.
-George, I can't see.

-One minute, Mr. Fitzgerald.
-I can't see! George!

George!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

We want to make sure
he doesn't get loose.

I'll kill that dirty rotten bum...

...if I get my hands on him.
What's the matter?

How come I'm tied up like this?

Just sit there. Everything will be all right.

Yeah. Friends are coming
to take care of you.

What friends? What are you talking about?
Get this stuff off me. Turn me loose.

Take it easy. You've been sick.

Who's been sick?
And where's that bum with the glasses?

Now just sit still,
because the doctor is going--

What doctor? I don't know no doctor.
What are you guys, crazy or something?

I'm warning you.
Get this stuff off me, you understand?

-Get this stuff off me!
-Watch him, Ray, watch him!

I'm warning you!
I'm going to have to hit you again.

My arm! You broke my arm!

You keep this up and I'm going to get sore.

Okay. That's the way you want it,
that's the way you're going to get it.

I'll kill you!

-Help! He's ruining our place!
-Come on, Ray!

-You better get out of here, mister!
-Leave us alone!

-There you are.
-What are we going to do?

Dr. Zillman!

Help! Put me down!
Put me down immediately!

-That's the way you want it?
-Help!

-Are you all right?
-I'm fine.

You're getting out of line.
I'm not kidding. I've had all I can take.

Irwin, we'll have to kill him.

-Ready?
-Ready.

-Set?
-Set.

Charge!

He's going nuts! He's really nuts!

-Go away!
-You'd better get out of here!

I mean it, I don't want to....

What'll we do?

Go away!

Go, baby, go!

He's got to be home.

He never gets up this early.
Why doesn't he answer?

I hope you won't mind my asking,
but what sort of chap...

...is this brother-in-law of yours?

He's a nut. Why?

I hope he's nothing like my brother-in-law.
Peculiar chap.

Secretary of a golf club
out near Pangbourne.

So what about him?

I was thinking that if Reggie,
my brother-in-law....

If Reggie got hold of information
like this information...

...it's likely that would be the last time...

...anyone would ever see or hear
of dear old Reggie.

I doubt very much whether old Reggie
will be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.

Cheers.

Tyler! Tyler's probably still in the shower.

Tyler! There he is! Tyler!

-Tyler!
-You promised!

I'll wake him up.

Wake up! Come on now!

-Get out of here!
-Wait!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

You think I'll sit still
while some un-American foreigner...

...makes accusations about
my own flesh and blood?

We'll see about that. Stop this car!

-Really, madam.
-Mother, this is awful!

-So we'll see!
-Mother, what are you doing?

You don't trust your brother-in-law?
Let me tell you something.

If my boy is out, then everybody is out.
So we'll see.

We don't even own the car
and you have no right to do what you do.

Rights? You talk to me about rights?

You address me on the subject of rights?

Trouble? Having any trouble?

Yes! And we don't need
any help from you.

Well!

Mother, please.
With all due respect, this is too much.

Give Mr. Hawthorne the keys
or we'll never get there.

Too bad.

Madam, I must say I find your attitude
somewhat less than helpful.

And what's all this got to do with you,
if you don't mind telling me?

If we have quite decided
to withdraw from this affair...

...you might be expected to hand me back
my keys so that I could press on.

You keep out of this!
Are we calling Sylvester or not?

No!

We are not. And I'll tell you why.
Because your son, Sylvester...

...is an irresponsible, unreliable,
big loudmouth, no-good bum...

...who, if he isn't a crook,
it's only because...

...he hasn't got the brains or ambition
even to become a crook.

Good show!

If you want to come, you can.
If you don't want to, you don't have to.

But you've got to give us those keys
or you'll force us to take them from you!

Here, here.

Give us those keys.

I don't care where you have them.
I'll get them.

-How dare you.
-Give us those keys.

-You just take one more step towards me--
-I'll take another step.

I'm warning you. You're gonna be sorry!

-Give me the keys.
-You're gonna get it, but good!

-Emmeline!
-Emmeline, stay in the car!

Grab her!

Russell, don't! Mother!

-Put me down!
-Must be stuck.

Russell, you wouldn't.
You couldn't! You shouldn't!

Let me go! Let me get out of here!

I got 'em! Here they are.

We really didn't want to do it.
But that was the only way. Upsy-daisy.

Don't hurt him.

Madam, please! Please!

You forced us.

I'm willing to say I'm sorry,
but you forced us.

-Do us a favor and get back in the car.
-Get away from me! Don't you touch me!

-We had to do it. You saw it, honey.
-Russell, let me go.

Just wait.
You can't manhandle a decent woman.

You're going to jail!
You'll be arrested for assault.

I'm going to sue for everything you've got.
Take your hands off my daughter!

I say, if we are going,
we really must get cracking.

Russell, how could you?

-You know we had to--
-Mr. Finch!

Please don't go. We'll be right with you.
See, she made us do it.

Let's forget the whole thing
and be reasonable.

-Please get back in the car.
-Not me!

We are wasting so much time.
Give me the keys.

The cars are going faster than we are.
Can't you make this thing go a little faster?

Wide open, I can.
But wide open eats up a lot of gas.

Then open up wide. I'll pay for the gas.

-It'll cost you about $50.
-Okay, I'll pay when we land.

-Now!
-I got to pay now?

-Now!
-All right, I'll pay you now.

-Melville....
-What?

A bug! Get him off!

Get him off! There he is! Get him!

-You're breaking up the airplane!
-Is it down there?

Now you're breaking the floor!

Help!

None of these 10 people
have any record at all.

And we're ready to book 'em
for withholding information...

...causing accidents,
failing to report accidents...

...reckless driving, theft,
at least three cases of assault and battery--

-Capt. Culpeper?
-Yeah.

-That my home?
-Yes, sir.

Sheriff, excuse me. Another call.

Take the Sheriff. I'll take it in here.

Freddy, transfer Mrs. Culpeper
to Culpeper's office.

-Hello, Ginger?
-Daddy, it's Billie Sue.

Let me speak with your mother,
sweetheart.

Well?

Dear.

Tell me something, Ginger.
How does it feel being married...

...to the most brilliant personality
in the law enforcement industry?

Are you referring to yourself?

Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself
for a little shock.

-When I tell you what has happened--
-So tell me. I've got this biscuit dough--

The Smiler Grogan case is solved.

The what?

What the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?

The tuna factory robbery.

The case I've been talking about
for the last 15 years.

All I want you to do
is make all the preparations...

...for a little flight to Hawaii,
Sunday morning.

-So what's the gag?
-It is no gag.

Are you serious about flying to Hawaii?

Flight 7, Sunday morning.

-Are we taking Billie Sue?
-No!

Just the two of us for about three weeks.
Now, we're going to celebrate, Ginger.

My feeling is that after 27 years...

...we've earned it.

What's the matter?

-I need help. Can you give me a lift?
-What?

My wife is sick.
The doc sent me out for some medicine.

All right. Come on.

-I just ran out of gas.
-Get in!

-You?
-You?

Wait a minute. We're in trouble.

Everybody's in trouble.
Get out of the way.

You think we wanted
to leave you back there?

-It was my son-in-law and that Englishman.
-What Englishman? Get out of the way.

You leave us here,
and you know what you're going to get?

Nothing! We'll get it all.

How will you do that?

I'll call my son. He lives about 10 miles
from Rosita Beach.

He'll drive there and get the money
and we're going to have it. That's how!

I was going to offer you a share
for taking us to a phone.

But because you're not interested,
we'll wait for another car.

We're making a terrible mistake.

We should go back
and get my mother-in-law.

-Go back?
-Yes.

You couldn't be serious.

All she has to do is get to a telephone,
my brother-in-law will get there first.

They'll get all and we won't get a dime.
You can believe that.

But look here.

Even if she does get all the money,
this won't make any difference...

...to our agreement.
She wouldn't break her word.

I mean to say, I'd still be entitled
to 10 percent as agreed. Surely.

Surely. Come on, let's go.

-Operator.
-Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.

...and then that dirty, rotten, slimy bum
that double-crossed me.

When I get a hold of that smart aleck,
what I'm going to do....

If you're there, I hope you turn away...

...that's all,
that you just look the other way.

Did you get him?

Maybe he went out
for the papers or something.

We can keep on trying.

Just supposing we never do get him?
We might be the last ones there.

Just a minute. Down there?

You're kidding. It's too steep.

I drive my jeep down here every day.
Let's go!

Yeah, let's go. Let's....

You can turn around here.
I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks.

Yeah, swell, yeah.

Hi, Eddie.

I got to get out of here.

Will you ask your father to show me?
There must be some other way out!

Come on! Hurry up!

I could show you a way out.
There's another way to the road.

You know another way to the road?
Good. Come on in. Don't stand there.

If you show me the way out,
I'll give you $1.

-$3.
-$3? Why, you....

Yeah, all right. I'll give you $3.

But don't stand there, hop in the car.
Hurry kid, I got to get out of here!

-They're not here.
-Probably got a lift.

We only passed six or seven cars
and they weren't in them.

Somebody must have
taken them the other way.

I think we better go back
to that place we phoned from.

What? That's miles in the wrong direction.

Besides, we can't be certain
they'll be there.

I don't know, I must find my wife.
And I don't know what to do.

Wherever they are...

...surely the most sensible thing
is for the two of us to press on.

For all we know, your brother-in-law
may be out or away somewhere.

Even if he were the first there,
he still has to find the money.

I earnestly recommend
we forget your good ladies...

...and press on with all possible dispatch.

All right.
We'll press on with all possible dispatch.

And I don't really think
that personal rancor...

...is going to help the situation,
if I may say so.

Okay, come on, honey.
Let's go. We're here.

We got here first. Let's go.
Come on. I got you.

Atta boy, baby.

We made it. We're here first.

Take care of my car
until we get back, right?

Come on, let's go. Will you go? Come on!

Over there?

There?

Down there?

That'll be $2.90.

$2.90? Here's $3.00.
Keep the change, but wait for us, okay?

Sure.

Wise guy. Come on, let's go.

-No, we're closed. It's 12:00.
-It's 12:00. They're closed.

Wait a minute!
All we want is a pick and a shovel!

Mr. Dinkler's inside.

Dinkler. That's it.
We'll get Dinkler. Come on.

Downstairs. Come on.

They must be here someplace.
Down here, yeah.

Look for a pick and a shovel, all right?

Pick and a shovel,
must be someplace around.

That's all I need.

That's all I need, boy.
That's all I need, a pick and a shovel.

I found it!

Got it!

-But there--
-I got it! I found it!

I've no wish to quarrel with you,
but speaking as a representative...

...of Her Majesty's Armed Forces,
I take the most particular exception--

You want me to tell you something?
As far as I'm concerned...

...the whole British race
is practically finished.

If we hadn't kept
your whole country afloat...

...by giving you billions
you never even said thank you for...

...the whole phony outfit would be
sunk under the Atlantic years ago.

-What are you stopping for?
-Get out of this machine.

Get out? You're crazy!

It's my machine.
I'll do as I bloody well please. Out!

I'm awfully sorry.
I've been very edgy today.

If I said anything about England,
I apologize.

I'm glad to hear you say so.

I must say, if I had the misfortune
to be a citizen of this benighted country...

...I should be most hesitant
in offering any criticism of any other.

Wait a minute.
Are you knocking this country?

Are you saying something
against America?

Against it?

I'd be astounded to hear
anything said for it.

The whole bloody place
is the most unspeakable matriarchy...

...in the history of civilization.

Look at yourself, the way your wife
and her strumpet of a mother...

...push you through the hoop.

As far as I can see, American men
have been totally emasculated.

They're like slaves.

They die like flies
from coronary thrombosis...

...while their women sit under hair dryers
eating chocolates...

...and arranging for every second Tuesday
to be some sort of Mother's Day.

And this positively infantile preoccupation
with bosoms....

In all my time in this wretched country...

...the one thing that has appalled me most
is this preoccupation with bosoms.

They've become the dominant theme
in American culture:

In literature, in advertising,
in entertainment, in everything.

I'll wager you anything you like...

...if American women
stopped wearing brassieres...

...your whole national economy
would collapse overnight.

F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked...

...in the hardware store basement.
Shall I let them out? Over.

How could they get locked in a basement?

-We better let them out.
-That ain't fair.

-It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
-They got themselves in there.

They ought to be able
to get themselves out.

After all, if you help them,
you're not being fair to the others.

But the moment anybody
gets to where they're going...

...we'll pick them up.

What difference does it make
who gets there first?

It's a race, ain't it?

Why do you want to help that dentist?

Me? I've been pulling for that guy Pike
with the furniture van.

The rules should be the same
for everybody.

Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

Central to F-7.

No. We'll leave them where they are.
See what happens.

Watch all the exits,
but render no assistance. Over.

Are you happy?

I need a drink.

There's some ice and stuff back there.
Make us all some Old Fashioneds.

You think you ought to drink
while you're flying?

Stop kidding and make us some drinks.

Just press the button back there
marked "booze."

It's the only way to fly.

Estimated speed 175.
We'll never be able to keep up with him.

Better have some of the other units
intercept. Over.

Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?

It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend Oscar...

...was supposed to come down
from Pomona just to meet us.

-So now she told him we were going away.
-What? What's the matter?

You keep forgetting.
If a girl is 6 feet 5 inches tall...

...she's bound to have special problems.

-But, Ginger--
-They had some argument...

Get out!

...screaming at each other.
Now the whole engagement's off...

...and she says she's leaving.

Leaving what? Leaving home?

-Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
-I'll try. Just a minute.

-Talk to your father.
-I won't. I don't want to talk to him ever.

Don't be ridiculous.
Whatever else he is, he is your father.

You hear bells, baby?

Yes?

-Who is that?
-Who's that?

I want my son!

Who is that?
I want to speak to Sylvester Marcus.

-Sylvester?
-Yeah, baby?

It's your mom.

Good old Mom. Hello!

-Sylvester?
-Is that you, Mom?

Of course it's me.
I've been trying you all morning.

I've been a little busy.

I've been working
and I didn't hear the phone.

Hold on a minute, will you, Mom?

Baby, how about a beer or something?
Man, I feel like--

Will you listen? Something's happened.

There was an accident this morning.
A man got killedl

Who got killed?

-Now, listenl
-You all right?

-Pay attentionl
-Sis all right?

-Will you listen?
-What's wrong?

Can you hear me?

There's a whole fortune in cash.

You can get it before anybody else,
but you've got to hurry!

What's the matter?
What's going on there? Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Are Russell and Emmeline with you?

Forget about Russell.
Will you shut up and let me talk?

What's going on? Where's Russell?

Don't even mention Russell!

-When I tell you what Russell did--
-Just tell him about the dough.

Keep out of this! Shut up!

-Don't talk. Just listen.
-What did Russell do?

He assaulted me, if you wanna know!
He grabbed me beside the road.

He and this Englishman I don't even know!

Who's with you and where are you?

I'm with this truck driver
in Peterson's Garage in Plaster City.

Will you shut up a minute
so I can tell you what happened?

Listen to me close! Stay there,
'cause I'm coming to get you right now.

Shut up and listen!

Everything's going to be all right.
Your baby's coming to get you.

Sit there. Relax. Take it easy.

I'm coming.
Everything's going to be all right.

Well?

So he's coming here,
and I'm not to worry about a thing.

Because everything is going to be all right.

Exactly like your father:
a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

The burglar alarm.

We just throw it on, people hear it,
they come, and we're out.

Don't be frightened
if it makes a big bell noise.

Okay? All right? Here we go.

-I don't hear anything.
-Neither do I. There's no bell.

Look at it. It just stands there.

Wait a minute.

Stand back.

Burglar alarm!

The stupidest burglar in the world
could come in...

...and walk away with everything,
and we can't even get out.

Come here!

Even if you do get the bell to ring
and somebody comes...

...what about the damage?

They're the ones who locked us in!

This thing has got to work.

No!

Please, help me! I'm frying!
Please! Help me!