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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:16,141 ♪ Old lady on my case again ♪ 2 00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:19,102 ♪ Told me straighten up Tuck your shirt in ♪ 3 00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:22,355 ♪ Sometimes it feels like I can't win ♪ 4 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,358 ♪ Get the fuck up out the crib For a spin ♪ 5 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:32,115 ♪ And I ain't had a drink since Friday night ♪ 6 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:35,952 ♪ Three days since I even had a smoke ♪ 7 00:00:39,622 --> 00:00:45,003 ♪ But I'm drawn like a moth To the neon light ♪ 8 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,215 ♪ Need a dart and some songs From the medicine pool ♪ 9 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:54,429 ♪ I been drinking beer for a minute ♪ 10 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,807 ♪ And your little Juul Ain't hittin' ♪ 11 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,061 ♪ If I want a bump Better get it ♪ 12 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:05,106 ♪ Tequila and cigarettes ♪ 13 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,609 ♪ Musta drank a rack Don't feel it ♪ 14 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:09,652 ♪ Fuckin' in... ♪ 15 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,238 [announcer] Now everybody put your hands together... 16 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:16,743 for Pete Davidson! 17 00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:22,707 [cheers and applause] 18 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:28,755 Hey. 19 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:31,466 Hello. Wow. 20 00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:33,802 Thanks. 21 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:35,428 Thank you. 22 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:39,891 Alright. 23 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,978 So how's your year going? 24 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,272 Good? 25 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,984 I've had a really weird year. 26 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:55,865 I had an AIDS scare this year. 27 00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,912 Yeah, I did, and you're like, "Pete, wow, what's going on in your life? 28 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,832 Are you sharing needles? You doing heroin? 29 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,793 Are you having tons of unprotected sex?" 30 00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:09,712 No, Kanye told me I had AIDS. 31 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,301 And uh... And he's a... 32 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:18,263 He's a genius, so I was like, "Oh, fuck." 33 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,642 I was like, "I better call my doctor." 34 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,521 The guy who made College Dropout thinks I have AIDS. 35 00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:30,567 So I went to the doctor, I actually got checked. 36 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:32,819 Because I was like, "Maybe he's right, I don't know." 37 00:02:34,445 --> 00:02:35,655 I was like, "I don't know." 38 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,449 So my doctor told me, I don't have AIDS, 39 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,577 I just look like I have it, so... 40 00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:43,037 it's a completely different thing. 41 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,832 You know what's really funny about that? 42 00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:50,086 AIDS is just such an old school thing, like, "You have AIDS." 43 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:54,549 It's just such a '90s, early-2000s thing to... 44 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,801 You know what I mean? 45 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,762 John Mulaney called me, he's like, "AIDS? 46 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,682 You should spread a rumor that he has polio!" 47 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:11,149 Does anybody else secretly hope that Kanye pulls, like a... 48 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,026 Mrs. Doubtfire? 49 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,491 They come home one day, 50 00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,160 and they're like, "This is the new housekeeper," 51 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:23,953 and he's like, "What's up, fam?" 52 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:32,462 Yeah, it's a really weird thing to go through. 53 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,924 There's-- because you know, people try to give you advice, 54 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:39,677 but even friends that are older, they're like, "I don't... know." 55 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,973 He's like, "It looks pretty bad, bro, I hope... 56 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:48,561 Good luck, sorry, here if you need," but like, no advice. 57 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,438 No one was like, "This is what you do." 58 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,315 Everyone was like, "I don't know... yeah. 59 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:55,568 You staying with your mom? You in a safe spot?" 60 00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:01,157 People ask me weird questions. 61 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:04,619 So that's the only thing I don't like. They ask this weird stuff. 62 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,996 Like the other day, somebody came up to me and was like, 63 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,250 "I heard you're friends with Jack Harlow!" 64 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:13,920 And I am. He's a very great, talented rapper. He's a cool dude. 65 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:15,922 Nice guy. So we're pals, right? 66 00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:19,425 And Kanye put him on his new album. 67 00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:24,264 Even though I've been friends with him for like two, three years, 68 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:28,017 you know, he did it anyway. People come up to me and they're like, 69 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,645 "How does that make you feel? Does that bother you? 70 00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:33,231 Does that get under your skin?" 71 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,776 And I'm like, "No, he's a rapper." 72 00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:40,905 That's his field, that's what they do. 73 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,323 That doesn't hurt my feelings. 74 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:45,618 It would hurt my feelings if I saw, like, Bill Burr at Sunday service. 75 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,206 I'd be like, "What the fuck, Bill?" He'd be like, 76 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,625 "Find God, Petey, go fuck yourself! 77 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,086 Jesus!" 78 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,925 Yeah, I don't get it. A lot of people are very angry. 79 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:04,137 It's always 50-50 when I go outside. 80 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,890 Yeah, it is. It's always 50-50. 81 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,643 Either someone's just like, "Hey, man, you're really cool, that's great." 82 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,021 Or someone's like, "Hey, yo! Fuck you! 83 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,565 Fuck you! 84 00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:18,234 Yeah, you!" 85 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,653 I always am like, "Can't be me." 86 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,743 It's weird, it's all weird because... 87 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:31,622 right before, December 2021, I call it "the before time". 88 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,251 Before my life was ruined, it was like... 89 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,253 Yeah, it's like COVID happened 90 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,131 and then another COVID happened personally to me. 91 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,927 That was a really good month, December 2021. 92 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:48,556 I remember, I went to a Knicks game with my good pals, 93 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,183 Jon Stewart and Chris Rock, right? 94 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,810 So we went to this Knicks game... Yeah, they're the best. 95 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,438 And very hilarious that they hang out with me. 96 00:05:56,898 --> 00:06:00,651 It's really weird. But I'm stoked, because they're heroes. 97 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:04,781 So we're watching the game, and it's the game when Steph Curry 98 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:08,910 breaks the three-point record, right? 99 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,995 And I remember he broke the three-point record 100 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:16,167 in the first quarter, and just somehow, how we were placed, 101 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:20,129 because he shot it from over there and me, Jon, and Chris 102 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,006 were under the basket. So like, 103 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,800 in the picture that everybody put out, 104 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,803 that's like here's him breaking the record, 105 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,346 us three are just, like... 106 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:29,597 Like, we all look... 107 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:33,392 We completely photobombed his, whatever, basketball card 108 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,144 that's going to be, like, forever. 109 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,649 And it was such a good night, but it's so weird because since then, 110 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,819 horrible things have happened to me and Chris. 111 00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,826 So Jon Stewart, if you're watching... 112 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,537 watch your fucking back. 113 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,791 Lucky bastard. 114 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,836 It's like Chris gets slapped, I get decapitated, 115 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,588 then Jon Stewart wins the Mark Twain award. 116 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:07,969 So... 117 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:09,804 I haven't been on stage much, 118 00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:13,850 but I've been trying to make a joke about Epstein's plane funny. 119 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,478 That's usually how it goes. 120 00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:21,691 In any room that I ever pitch this joke on. 121 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,486 But I just, like... hear me out. 122 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,032 The guy, obviously, bad dude. You got to get that out of the way. 123 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,784 Bad dude, shouldn't do that stuff. 124 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:35,496 But I didn't understand why people were mad at all the dudes 125 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,791 that took a free plane ride. 126 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,879 Like, the Jeffery Epstein doc came out 127 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,005 and this dude raped 128 00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:47,049 and did a bunch of terrible stuff to little young girls, 129 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,342 and then people would be like, 130 00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:51,262 "Can you believe Chris Tucker rode on that plane?" 131 00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:55,475 It's like, "Yeah, have you ever tried to fly commercial? 132 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:58,853 From fucking L.A. to New York? It's a fucking nightmare." 133 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,941 Because I've been in situations now... Let me rephrase that. 134 00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:09,447 I know a dude who gives me free plane rides, right? 135 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,032 I don't really know what he does, 136 00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,701 he tells me he's in the "waste management" business. 137 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:17,371 That's what he says, "I'm in waste management. I'm a garbageman." 138 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:20,541 I go, "Yeah, tons of garbagemen have private jets, so..." 139 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:25,546 But I just don't ask. I'm just like, "Okay, whatever." 140 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,175 Because I don't think there's anything wrong 141 00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:30,927 with taking the plane with a guy. 142 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:34,764 You don't have to support what the guy does. 143 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,809 So I fly with one pedophile, right? 144 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:43,439 If you fly commercial, there's at least, like, five pedophiles. 145 00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:50,947 And you don't know who they are. 146 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,991 I know who mine is, it's right in front of me 147 00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:57,161 with a mimosa and some strawberry chocolates. 148 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,666 Thank you guys for being out here. You guys ready to start? 149 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,793 [cheers and applause] 150 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:07,755 Coming to the stage, give it up for my friend, Big Wet! 151 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,260 ♪ I don't know if I should Go out tonight ♪ 152 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,846 ♪ 'Cause it's getting pretty late ♪ 153 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:19,183 ♪ But I just got back into town ♪ 154 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,019 ♪ And I sure can't wait ♪ 155 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:26,774 ♪ So I take my ass down to Sophie's ♪ 156 00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,610 ♪ A shot and a beer there Waiting for me ♪ 157 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:33,990 ♪ Big Red and the boys Got a table in the back ♪ 158 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,242 ♪ And there's an open chair for me ♪ 159 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:40,997 ♪ And I'm rollin' with my squad ♪ 160 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,041 ♪ And we don't try too hard ♪ 161 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,753 ♪ One tab when we're at the bar ♪ 162 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,214 ♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪ 163 00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:54,552 ♪ And I'm rollin' with my squad ♪ 164 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:57,471 ♪ Don't forget who you are ♪ 165 00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,850 ♪ Yeah, I made it this far ♪ 166 00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,562 ♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪ 167 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,190 ♪ It ain't the size of the dog In the fight ♪ 168 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,485 ♪ But the fight in the dog We don't bark, we just bite ♪ 169 00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,323 ♪ Once you let us off the leash We be chomping our teeth ♪ 170 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,993 ♪ We be gettin' that green We be smoking them trees ♪ 171 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:22,371 ♪ And we shotgun beers and We conquer our fears ♪ 172 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:26,042 ♪ 'Cause we're all best friends And we hold each other dear ♪ 173 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:32,006 ♪ And I'd give my last meal To anyone from my squad ♪ 174 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,216 -♪ Squad up! ♪ -♪ Squad up! ♪ 175 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,843 When they're trying to act like they're not filming, 176 00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:38,137 they look away, but point directly at... 177 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,847 Right? That's wack. 178 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,558 I like when they go, "Yo, I don't care who you are..." 179 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,019 And I'm like, "Then why the fuck...?" 180 00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:48,189 They'll be like, "Yo, my friends think you're fucking wack as fuck, 181 00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,982 but I don't listen to them. 182 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,778 I ride-- I tell them they don't know what they're doing..." 183 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,906 Nobody can ever just be like, "Hey, man, good job." 184 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,158 -[Giulio] Right. -You know? 185 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:02,036 ♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪ 186 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,414 -Big Wet, ladies and gentlemen! -♪ Squad up! ♪ 187 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,043 ♪ Rollin' with my squad ♪ 188 00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:12,004 -You guys ready to kick it off? -♪ Squad up! ♪ 189 00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:13,673 ♪ Squad! ♪ 190 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:17,134 Make some noise for your first comic, 191 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,345 Neko White! 192 00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:26,352 L.A., one more time for Pete Davidson, 193 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:28,771 give him a round of applause, huh? 194 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:30,815 Yes! 195 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,818 Pleasure to be in front of y'all tonight. 196 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:36,570 My name is Neko White. I made a very simple goal. 197 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,325 And that is to mind my business at the highest level possible. 198 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:44,120 Now, I take this very seriously. You guys in here tonight, 199 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,539 I appreciate that, while you're in here. 200 00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:48,165 Once we get outside, 201 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,167 whatever happens to you... 202 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,878 is not my business, you understand me? 203 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,673 If we in here, we cool. You outside, you get robbed, 204 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,925 you see me, don't make eye contact. 205 00:11:58,008 --> 00:11:59,802 Because I'm telling you now, if you look at me, 206 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,680 "Neko, help!" Hey, man, it was a good show, I'ma holler at you. 207 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,266 I mind my business. 208 00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,184 Now recently, I went to get a haircut. 209 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,936 As soon as I walked into the barber shop, 210 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:10,646 my barber goes, "Hey, man. 211 00:12:10,729 --> 00:12:13,107 You see this shit with Dwyane Wade's son?" 212 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,692 "No. 213 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:19,321 That's not my business. I got bills, bro. 214 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,198 I got a whole real life." 215 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:24,827 Do you understand that where I live, I have a crackhead doorman? 216 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:29,999 And where I live, we don't hire doormen. 217 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,420 This lady just showed up one day. 218 00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:39,341 She held the door for one person, and she's been back every day since. 219 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,051 And what pisses me off 220 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,345 is that she has a custom greeting just for me. 221 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,097 When I walk in the building, she goes, 222 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602 "Mr. Neko White. Ow, ow, ow." What the fuck does that mean? 223 00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,731 "Ow, ow, ow"? I don't speak crack Morse code, 224 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,483 what are you saying to me? 225 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:59,069 So no, I don't know what's going on with Dwyane Wade 226 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,946 or his rich-ass kid. 227 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,116 I said that, my barber go, "Nah. 228 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,243 See, Dwyane Wade had a son 229 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,370 that was born a boy, 230 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,955 but now, at 11 years old, 231 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,542 his son say, 'I'm a woman on the inside.' 232 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,755 So now when he get older, he goin' to chop his dick off. 233 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,966 And he gonna become a woman. 234 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,594 Now ain't that shit weird?" 235 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,516 "I'm here for a fade, man. 236 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,270 Little off the side, 237 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,523 square in the back. 238 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,483 What are you doing right now? 239 00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,277 Do you realize that it's only 10:02 in the morning? 240 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,403 Do you know that? 241 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,823 Do you know I smoked the Sativa before I came here? 242 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,242 Do you know that? 243 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,119 Do you know how paranoid I am right now? 244 00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:52,665 And you're going to ask me that cancelable-ass question? 245 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:56,544 In front of all these mirrors in this barber shop? 246 00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,923 Do you know how many 'mes' I see in either direction right now? 247 00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,759 I'm here for a fade, man. 248 00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:07,263 Little off the side, square in the back." 249 00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:12,476 My barber didn't flinch. "Ain't that shit weird?" 250 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,563 "Yeah. 251 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:16,647 Yeah, it's weird... 252 00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:19,358 that you know what an 11-year-old that you're not related to 253 00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:21,735 want to do with their dick. That's very weird. 254 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,822 I'm just saying. I have a nephew that's 11. 255 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,449 Know what I know about him? He 11, and that's where it stops. 256 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,951 I don't know nothing extra. 257 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,079 I don't know his name, I don't know his birthday, 258 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,791 and I don't know his dick aspirations. But he 11." 259 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:41,422 When I said that, my barber goes, "Alright, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou. 260 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,842 What if it was your son?" 261 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:49,054 "What if it was my son? 262 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,599 I'd still need a fade. 263 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:58,564 But you want to play hypotheticals with me? 264 00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:01,942 I do that all day, brother! Let's do that!" 265 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:03,944 What if it was my son? 266 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,279 I could see that. 267 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:08,324 I could see me walking to my son's room, knocking on his door. 268 00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:13,495 "Hey, baby boy, look here. Your papa's tired. 269 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,623 Would you mind taking the garbage out for me, Big Dog? 270 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:16,832 I'd really appreciate that." 271 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,586 "Dad?" "Yeah, what's going on?" 272 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,713 [whimpering softly] 273 00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,966 You know when a kid really think they telling you something? 274 00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,301 [whimpering softly] 275 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,639 "Dad, um... 276 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,725 I'm a woman on the inside." 277 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,730 "I just asked you to take out the garbage. 278 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,901 Did you know it was only 10:02 in the morning right now? 279 00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:44,902 Did you know that? 280 00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:48,697 You know I smoked the Sativa before I came in here. 281 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,535 You ever notice how many mirrors you got in your room? 282 00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:58,457 I'll be right back, kid." 283 00:15:58,540 --> 00:15:59,875 [imitates door closing] 284 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,002 [exhales] Okay. 285 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,299 "Hey, baby girl, would you mind taking that garbage out 286 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,009 for your papa?" 287 00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:13,389 L.A., you've been excellent. 288 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,392 My name's Neko White. Thank you! 289 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:19,019 [cheers and applause] 290 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,981 Now then, you ready for more show? 291 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,525 I don't think you can hear me. 292 00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:27,027 Are you ready for more show? 293 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,781 Coming to the stage is a very dear friend of mine 294 00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,866 from New York City. Y'all, put your hands together 295 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,328 for Giulio Gallarotti! 296 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:39,540 [cheers and applause] 297 00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:42,584 One more time for Neko, guys! Let him hear it. 298 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,545 [cheers and applause] 299 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,673 -Yeah. -Sound about right? 300 00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:49,967 Yeah, that sounds good. Good. 301 00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,260 Feeling good. 302 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,637 You know, comedians travel a lot. 303 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,140 So we see a lot of crazy stuff. 304 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,226 I saw something on a plane the other day 305 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,937 that I couldn't believe was on a plane. 306 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,773 Just a guy... with a falcon. 307 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:09,319 And it wasn't in a cage, just on his arm. 308 00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,823 And I was like, "How is that allowed on a plane? 309 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:16,076 You can just bring a falcon on a plane? 310 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,871 I can't bring four ounces of water on a plane. 311 00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:23,751 But I can bring a falcon? Birds of prey? No problem." 312 00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,045 That's crazy. 313 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,671 I started thinking about it, and I'm like, 314 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:32,468 the idea of a falcon having to fly in a plane. 315 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,891 The flight was only an hour! 316 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,019 The falcon can easily fly there on its own. 317 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,856 I was convinced that right before we actually got on the plane, 318 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,275 the guy was just going to be like, "Alright dude, see you there." 319 00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:53,238 How is this allowed? 320 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,908 When I saw the falcon, I was making a video. 321 00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:58,118 I made sure I got the falcon in there with a cameo. 322 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,370 I was editing that video for two or three months, 323 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,581 and I was just looking at myself every day, 324 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:05,084 and I just started hating the way that I look. 325 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:09,171 Specifically, I was a little heavier too, in the video. 326 00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:12,091 My body... I was just not that down. [gags] 327 00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,844 I don't gain weight in a masculine way. 328 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,598 When I gain weight, it immediately just starts to be like... 329 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:23,894 I start to get all curvy! 330 00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,147 I feel like as a guy, you don't want your descriptive word 331 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,774 to be "voluptuous." 332 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,611 Oh yeah, G's thick, dude. 333 00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,240 It's crazy. It's amazing, like, 334 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:39,243 if you can see yourself on a video, that's a great way to know that 335 00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,369 you've gained weight. 336 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,912 But otherwise, how do you find out? 337 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:44,957 Typically, your rudest friend will tell you. 338 00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,543 Which is a crazy thing to be doing. 339 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,378 I'll never forget the last time this happened to me, 340 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:50,504 I went to visit one of my friends, 341 00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:53,757 and the person who told me I'd gained weight was the guy who mows his lawn. 342 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:58,220 He's a very nice guy, but doesn't speak English at all. 343 00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,223 But still, he was able to convey to me 344 00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,184 that he thought I'd gained weight. 345 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:05,769 Which I'll never forget. 346 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:07,312 Because I show up, I'm like, "Hey, what's up?" 347 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:09,148 He goes, "Papi..." 348 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,695 And I was in denial, 349 00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:17,489 I was like, "Maybe he just thinks I look strong or something." 350 00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:21,410 I don't know how one could ever think that this means strong. 351 00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,912 So I just said, "Oh, thank you, papi." 352 00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,875 And he made sure to clarify. He goes, "No, papi..." 353 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,545 And to make sure there was no mistake in my brain, 354 00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:35,090 he just starts going... [lips smacking] 355 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,718 I'm like, "Dude, you're a dick." 356 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:39,511 Isn't that sad? 357 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,055 I don't know. I can't imagine ever saying some shit like that 358 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,348 to somebody's face. 359 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,767 I would at least wait for them to leave the room. 360 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,438 Then I'd be like, "Man, he looks terrible." 361 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,649 I say "bro" a lot when I talk, 362 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,735 and then sometimes I get self-conscious 363 00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,528 that I'm going to get grouped in with a group of people 364 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,488 that I feel like I shouldn't be associated with. 365 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:02,201 You know, rambunctious, young white men. 366 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,914 I'm like-- to the point to where I see a group of bros, 367 00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,332 I actually get disgusted. 368 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,709 I'm like, "Look at these... fucking bros." 369 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,670 It can ruin my mood. I went to dinner, 370 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,506 it was a sushi restaurant that I was really looking forward to going to eat at. 371 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,801 It was fancy. I sit down. They seat me next to these bros. 372 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,512 And I'm looking over there like, "Look at these fucking bros." 373 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,390 They're not even going to appreciate this meal. 374 00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,643 They're going to be ordering shit that isn't even on the menu. 375 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,353 "Can we get some sake bombs?" 376 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,897 Their dads are probably paying. 377 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,690 Dude, fuck this. 378 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,068 So I was like, "You know what? I'm going to monitor them. 379 00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:39,279 To make sure they're being well-behaved." 380 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,407 I don't know what power I have. Just... 381 00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,493 to prove myself right. 382 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,620 And as it turns out, 383 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:47,788 these bros, 384 00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,414 were wonderful gentlemen. 385 00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:52,376 They were great guys. 386 00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,544 I swear, they were mild-mannered and polite, 387 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,797 compassionate with the waitstaff. 388 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,466 They were engaging in thought-provoking conversation. 389 00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:03,262 While maintaining their inside voices the entire time. 390 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,056 I was like, "These bros were raised right. 391 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,309 These bros are pros." 392 00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:13,522 Seriously, it was as if these bros 393 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,482 had achieved the next level of "bro-dom". 394 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,526 Which I didn't even know was possible. 395 00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,945 You guys probably think that perhaps they weren't bros at all. 396 00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:23,407 But they were, because they were still doing all the shit that bros do, 397 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,702 but just in a much more classy and sophisticated manner. 398 00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:28,996 I'll give you the best example. 399 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,789 A plate of sushi comes over. 400 00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,625 One of the bros scoops up a piece, perfect chopstick work. 401 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,920 And then he takes a bite, 402 00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,089 and he just started really earnestly enjoying it. 403 00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:42,259 And then he said the most bro thing you could ever say, 404 00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,761 but in a much more classy and refined way. 405 00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:46,388 So I'll never forget, he's like, 406 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,100 "Fire." 407 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,980 "Fire." 408 00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:58,150 I said, "Send some sake bombs over there on me, dude. 409 00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,401 This bro's awesome." 410 00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,903 Guys, thank you very much, I really appreciate it. 411 00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,239 Aw, it was super fun. 412 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,741 You guys ready for the next comedian? 413 00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:08,076 If you make some noise, I'll bring her out, make some noise! 414 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,661 [cheers and applause] 415 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,039 Guys, the next comedian coming to the stage, she's amazing. 416 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,582 One of my best friends. I love her. 417 00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,209 Please give it up for Carly Aquilino! 418 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,045 [cheers and applause] 419 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,674 Wow! 420 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:27,429 Thank you, oh my God, thank you guys so much! 421 00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,057 How's everybody feeling, good? 422 00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,642 Good, we love it. 423 00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:35,145 Did you guys hear there's a new variant? 424 00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,314 We don't care, right? None of us? 425 00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:39,566 We're all here, we're having fun. 426 00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:40,859 I did all the things. 427 00:22:40,942 --> 00:22:43,528 Anytime they tell me there's a new variant, I'm like, 428 00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:46,907 "Okay, I got the vaccines" when I still wasn't sure 429 00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:48,408 about the vaccines. Like, 430 00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:51,453 I trusted the vaccines blindly. 431 00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:53,371 My friends were like, "I trust science!" 432 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,957 I'm like, "I don't know science at all. I'm sorry. 433 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,335 Never learned it. Don't know anything about it." 434 00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:02,297 I'm kind of dealing with the vaccine the way I deal with men in my life. 435 00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:04,466 I'm like, "I'll do this, but... 436 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,012 I won't be surprised... 437 00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:11,348 if I end up regretting it." 438 00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:16,186 I miss a lot of things about the lockdown. 439 00:23:16,269 --> 00:23:17,854 Is that bad to say? 440 00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,564 -[audience] No! -No! 441 00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:22,400 I took seven walks a day. 442 00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,613 I miss those videos that went viral every single day 443 00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,366 of just a woman that didn't want to wear her mask. 444 00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:34,162 I love that lady, I love them. 445 00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:37,040 It was always the same thing, too. 446 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:40,085 It was just some lady like, "You can't tell me..." 447 00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:43,839 I'm sorry that she's Southern. It's just... 448 00:23:44,422 --> 00:23:46,591 that she was always Southern. 449 00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:51,930 "You can't tell me what to do." 450 00:23:54,182 --> 00:23:55,475 And the other person was just like, 451 00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:59,771 "Ma'am, this is a Long John Silver's and... you're not wearing any shoes." 452 00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:01,148 I... 453 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,735 I went through a lot, kind of, during the lockdown. 454 00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:08,947 I'm 31 now but I turned 30 during the whole thing. 455 00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:09,990 Thank you! 456 00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:13,493 Wow, are you guys all 30? Like, every single one of you? 457 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:14,661 That's cool. 458 00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:16,621 I went through this thing, though, 459 00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:20,333 where I thought about where I would be at this point in my life. 460 00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:24,421 Like, what I would have thought as a teenager. Do you ever do that? 461 00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:26,423 It messes me up. Like, if you would have asked me 462 00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,091 at 15 years old, 463 00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,051 I would be like, "Um, okay. 464 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,054 First of all, here's the stuff that's going to happen. 465 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:35,765 31, ew, that's disgusting, but... 466 00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:39,186 So, I'm definitely going to get married when I'm 20. 467 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,355 For sure. That's happening. 468 00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:44,941 And then, I'm just going to go to Europe 469 00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:47,986 for five years, 470 00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:50,405 because that doesn't cost any money. 471 00:24:50,488 --> 00:24:51,448 That's free. 472 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,743 And then by the time I'm 31, I'm going to have three kids, 473 00:24:54,826 --> 00:24:57,037 just be a stay-at-home mom." 474 00:24:58,705 --> 00:25:01,333 And now I'm 31, and I'm always like, "Do I have... 475 00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:04,794 two tampons in right now?" I don't even know... 476 00:25:05,128 --> 00:25:06,588 I don't even know where they go. 477 00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:08,506 Honestly. I... 478 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,801 I have no way... I lose them constantly. 479 00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:13,345 I have no idea where they are. 480 00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:16,014 That's my biggest fear as a grown woman. 481 00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:17,349 Can you imagine? 482 00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:20,560 By the way, that happened to me. 483 00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:23,230 And I don't want to talk about it, but I'll tell you guys everything. 484 00:25:23,313 --> 00:25:26,191 So I went to go to the bathroom. 485 00:25:26,274 --> 00:25:28,818 And I pull my pants down and I look down, 486 00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:32,822 and I saw two strings. 487 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:34,908 And I was like... [gasps] 488 00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:39,120 "Am I a ceiling fan? Why...? 489 00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:48,546 Why exactly are there two strings coming out of my body right now?" 490 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:51,216 I don't know if you guys know this, 491 00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:53,802 anything more than one string is classified as an emergency. 492 00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,012 That's bad, it's a bad vibe. 493 00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,642 I had to go to the doctor. My poor gyno, this poor woman, 494 00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:02,269 I feel so bad for her. 495 00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,646 She hates me, I know that she does. 496 00:26:05,522 --> 00:26:08,650 I'm always going to her with problems that I make up, like, 497 00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:10,735 I always think I'm pregnant. 498 00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:13,154 Every single month I think I'm pregnant. 499 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:15,282 Even if I don't have sex, I'm like, "Mm, I don't know, 500 00:26:15,365 --> 00:26:18,285 happened to Mary. It could definitely happen to me." 501 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:24,124 The last time I went in to her for that, she said, 502 00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:27,294 "Let me ask you a question. The person that you were with, 503 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,713 did he withdraw?" 504 00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:36,344 Took me a second, definitely took me a second to realize what she said. 505 00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:38,888 And then when I figured it out, I was like, "That was so classy." 506 00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:41,099 Honestly, I felt like a princess. 507 00:26:41,182 --> 00:26:44,477 I was like, "This was really nice for me. Thank you so much." 508 00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:47,147 I had never heard it said that way. "Withdraw"? 509 00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:52,736 I was like, "Girl... he deposits. 510 00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:58,908 He's making a lot of transactions, and... 511 00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:01,536 it's bad." 512 00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:05,165 I also went through a break-up during the pandemic 513 00:27:05,248 --> 00:27:06,791 which was kind of crazy. 514 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:09,336 You know it's bad when in the middle of a lockdown 515 00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:11,421 somebody looks at you and they're like, "Hey, 516 00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:13,840 we should see other people." I was like, 517 00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:17,635 "That's illegal, but... I get it." You know? 518 00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:22,223 So now I'm dating again, and it's hard. 519 00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:23,641 You can't do it. 520 00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:26,227 How am I supposed to go out and meet people? 521 00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:27,729 When I was young, I would worry. 522 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:30,190 I would worry so much when I went out with a guy. 523 00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:32,400 I would be like, "Is he going to kill me?" 524 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,152 And now I would prefer it. 525 00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:39,074 Like "I... I'm done. No, I'm done. Thank you. 526 00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:41,868 I'm all set. I've seen enough. I'm done." 527 00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:47,749 I've realized that I have very bad judgment when it comes to men. 528 00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:51,002 I was at a bar, and I see this guy at the other end of the bar 529 00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,255 and I'm with my friends, and he had four tattoos on his face. 530 00:27:54,964 --> 00:27:57,467 And I saw it, and I was like, "I'm going to fix it. 531 00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,552 Whatever it is, I will fix that." 532 00:27:59,636 --> 00:28:01,179 And... 533 00:28:01,262 --> 00:28:03,223 my friends were like, "I think he's in a gang." 534 00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:05,975 I was like, "I think you're jealous of me." Like... 535 00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:08,937 "I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend, you don't. Like... 536 00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:10,897 Girl, if you can't find a man, just say that." 537 00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,232 And that's really how I feel. 538 00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:14,275 I'm sorry, but it's a lot of jealousy. 539 00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:17,695 But I feel like we don't see the red flags. 540 00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:19,406 We want to see the good in people. 541 00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:22,492 I always make up excuses for guys. 542 00:28:22,575 --> 00:28:23,868 I'll go out on date, 543 00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:26,454 my friends will be like, "Hey, how was your first date?" 544 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:28,706 I'm like, "Um... 545 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:30,667 [tearfully] well, he made me cry, 546 00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:33,795 and he's definitely a liar, 547 00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:36,256 and I think he's married. 548 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,886 And I think he stole 20 dollars out of my bag, but... 549 00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:46,141 there's just something about him. I really do... 550 00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:48,101 I feel good about this." 551 00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,062 Thank you guys so much, you're such a fun crowd. 552 00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:52,897 Are you ready to keep this show going? 553 00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:56,359 I want you to give a warm welcome 554 00:28:56,443 --> 00:29:00,613 to such a funny guy, Dave Sirus! 555 00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:03,783 [cheers and applause] 556 00:29:05,660 --> 00:29:07,412 Alright, how you guys doing? 557 00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:10,540 Everything went great. 558 00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:14,753 Great, well, my name's Dave, I'll be your Jew for the evening. 559 00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:18,715 But honestly, thank you all so much for being here. 560 00:29:18,798 --> 00:29:21,384 It is so amazing for me to see all you, to be here, 561 00:29:21,801 --> 00:29:24,387 to see that my friendship with Pete is finally paying off. 562 00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:29,559 Yeah, I'm Jewish. I'm also Russian. 563 00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:31,603 So... that's fun now. 564 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,815 Yeah, I'm a Russian Jew, so you know what that means: 565 00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:37,942 I'm two kinds of untrustworthy. 566 00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:43,364 But honestly though, I feel like even if Russia had never done anything, 567 00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:46,576 people still wouldn't trust us just for the accent. 568 00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,912 Because like, when you have a Russian accent, 569 00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:53,041 you kind of always sound like you're about to lie about something. 570 00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:55,752 It's just taking you a second to figure it out, like, 571 00:29:55,835 --> 00:29:57,879 the first time I talked to my landlord, he was like, 572 00:29:57,962 --> 00:30:00,715 [in Russian accent] "Oh, you should rent this apartment. 573 00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:04,761 Uh, you... 574 00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:07,889 won't be sorry. 575 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:13,478 Oh, you should meet my daughter. She is... 576 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,065 [deep sigh] 577 00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:21,069 ...beautiful." 578 00:30:22,028 --> 00:30:24,364 [normal voice] So I should tell you guys a little bit about myself. 579 00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:26,324 I've always been creepy. 580 00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:31,663 That wasn't the joke. I-- 581 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:34,457 No, like honestly, ever since I was a kid, I was just always 582 00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,376 a really weird kid. But like, 583 00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:40,171 I didn't know how weird everyone else thought I was. 584 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,422 I think that happens with weird kids. 585 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:44,634 I didn't even realize how crazy of a thought it was until I grew up, 586 00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:46,886 and if I was going through something, my dad would be like, 587 00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:49,639 "Listen, we're just proud of you for not being a serial killer." 588 00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,100 Like wait, what did I do? 589 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,519 So the first clue I ever had 590 00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:56,229 about how weird everyone else thought I was 591 00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:57,772 was in the seventh grade. 592 00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:01,734 My parents got this letter from the school board that said, 593 00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:03,319 "Congratulations, 594 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,949 David has been selected for a very special program 595 00:31:08,324 --> 00:31:10,618 called Life Skills." 596 00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:13,162 And I was so dumb, 597 00:31:13,246 --> 00:31:14,956 I thought this proved I was gifted. 598 00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:18,209 So I go to this week-long program 599 00:31:18,751 --> 00:31:21,963 that's in a building far away from my normal school. 600 00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:23,506 I open the door, 601 00:31:23,590 --> 00:31:24,924 and this is exactly what happened, 602 00:31:25,008 --> 00:31:28,636 I see there are two eager grad students 603 00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:32,098 and the nine most fucked-up kids in my school. 604 00:31:33,099 --> 00:31:36,394 I mean the kids who were caught smoking, drinking, fucking, fighting, 605 00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:38,813 the girls who got pregnant, the guy who got them all pregnant, 606 00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:40,481 and me. 607 00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:42,609 Even though, like-- 608 00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:46,112 unlike these other kids, I hadn't really gotten in trouble. 609 00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:47,989 My grades were fine, 610 00:31:48,072 --> 00:31:52,368 I was, and would stay a virgin for eight more years. 611 00:31:52,452 --> 00:31:55,413 Yet I was in this class with the dangerous kids. 612 00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:57,290 And it's only now as an adult, 613 00:31:57,373 --> 00:31:59,542 do I finally realize what was going on. 614 00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:04,172 That I was the scariest kid in my school. 615 00:32:04,964 --> 00:32:07,759 Because all the other kids in this class 616 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:11,346 knew what they did to be put into this class. 617 00:32:11,971 --> 00:32:15,808 They were all there for a very specific on-paper reason. 618 00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:18,186 But with me, it was just a feeling! 619 00:32:20,146 --> 00:32:22,231 That the whole faculty agreed on 620 00:32:22,982 --> 00:32:24,442 to separate me now. 621 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:28,321 So, that same year, 622 00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:30,949 I had this one teacher, Mr. Marigan. 623 00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:33,159 He was my favorite teacher. And here's the thing, 624 00:32:33,242 --> 00:32:35,119 I was really weird, I didn't have any friends, 625 00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:37,830 I loved attention, which is why this is happening. 626 00:32:38,873 --> 00:32:41,918 So I really needed someone to talk to. If you're a weird kid, 627 00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,504 you find someone, your family, a teacher. For me, 628 00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:46,881 that was the cool science teacher I had. Mr. Marigan. 629 00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,675 Because even if I was having a bad day, 630 00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:51,302 I could still tell him a couple of jokes in class 631 00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:53,680 when I walked in that I knew he'd appreciate 632 00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,014 more than these dumb kids. 633 00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,059 So I'd be like, "Hey, Mr. Marigan, I read in this book 634 00:32:58,142 --> 00:33:01,062 that I can talk to dead people if I have a pint of goat's blood, 635 00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:03,189 a human thumb, and a paper plate. 636 00:33:04,273 --> 00:33:05,775 Do you have any plates?" 637 00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:08,945 Yeah, exactly. Kid jokes. 638 00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:12,073 Ten years later, 639 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:16,369 my little brother became best friends with Mr. Marigan's son. 640 00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:18,788 This is really what he said to my brother. He goes, 641 00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:22,458 "Oh, wow, you're David's brother? 642 00:33:22,542 --> 00:33:25,003 That kid scared the shit out of me. 643 00:33:26,170 --> 00:33:28,965 Yeah, the 'talk to dead people' kid. Is he in jail?" 644 00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:31,592 And I said to my brother, "No way. 645 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:33,928 No way. I know Mr. Marigan loved me." 646 00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,347 I was, like, his favorite student. And I have proof, 647 00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:39,475 because that year my mom had made a deal with me. 648 00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:43,229 I could only go to camp if my worst grade for the year 649 00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:44,439 was a B- or better. 650 00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:45,773 And I knew I wasn't going to go, 651 00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:48,151 because I actually got a really bad grade on Marigan's final, 652 00:33:48,234 --> 00:33:50,194 I was going to get more like a D+. 653 00:33:50,778 --> 00:33:53,573 And then last day of school, I got my report card, 654 00:33:53,656 --> 00:33:57,660 and I was-- I swear to God-- shocked, because I got my B-. 655 00:33:57,744 --> 00:33:59,245 And I knew I didn't deserve it. 656 00:33:59,328 --> 00:34:01,998 I figured, "He knows how hard I'm working and how much I wanted it. 657 00:34:02,457 --> 00:34:05,126 I'm a good student, he gave me some extra points." Whatever it was, 658 00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:07,170 I just knew he hooked me up for some reason. 659 00:34:07,253 --> 00:34:08,671 And that meant a lot to me. 660 00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:11,090 That was why Mr. Marigan was my favorite teacher 661 00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:12,467 for years after that. 662 00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:18,056 Until... I got to hear the other half of that story. 663 00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:20,558 This is really what he said to my brother. He goes, 664 00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:24,479 "Look, I'm going to tell you how much that kid freaked me out. 665 00:34:25,354 --> 00:34:28,733 I don't know how he did it, I don't know how he figured out how to do it. 666 00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:30,318 But somehow, some way, 667 00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,653 when I was doing his grade point average at the end of the year, 668 00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:36,783 it equaled out to a perfect 66.6. 669 00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:43,748 I was so scared I gave him a B-." 670 00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:48,336 Yeah, turns out, Marigan did not understand me at all. But, 671 00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:49,712 it did get me into camp. 672 00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:51,047 Which, by the way, 673 00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:53,299 was a terrible experience I wish I hadn't gone to. 674 00:34:54,467 --> 00:34:57,386 Honestly, I think the reason I was so weird, part of it, 675 00:34:57,470 --> 00:34:59,639 is that my mom had me really young. She was 18, 676 00:34:59,722 --> 00:35:04,435 I love my mom, but she wasn't ready for how weird I would be. 677 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:06,062 Here's a perfect example. 678 00:35:06,145 --> 00:35:08,815 So, the next year, I was probably 13, 679 00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,024 and like I said, 680 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,276 I was really unpopular, no friends, 681 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,862 and I was desperate for a girlfriend. I wanted a girlfriend so bad. 682 00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,239 And I wasn't even horny. 683 00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:19,992 I was fantasizing about someday getting to buy a girl a locket. 684 00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:22,703 Like, that's how wholesome I was. 685 00:35:22,787 --> 00:35:25,665 So, I knew I could never date a girl at my own school. 686 00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:26,624 So I had a plan. 687 00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:30,253 If I could just meet girls in other school districts, 688 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:33,172 it could take weeks for them to find out about me. 689 00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:36,551 So I got a bunch of art supplies that I had in my basement, 690 00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:38,386 because I was actually really into drawing at the time. 691 00:35:38,469 --> 00:35:39,804 I actually went to college to be a painter, 692 00:35:39,887 --> 00:35:41,556 that's why I do comedy for a living. 693 00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:45,685 So I got these art supplies, and I really did this. 694 00:35:45,768 --> 00:35:46,894 I'm not even joking. 695 00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:49,897 I really made a bunch of hand-drawn 696 00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:54,026 homemade posters that really did say, 697 00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:58,239 "Children's Dating Service." 698 00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:04,370 Oh! And, my phone number. 699 00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:09,750 And my mom walked in on me making these posters, 700 00:36:10,459 --> 00:36:13,004 and I swear to God, she said, 701 00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:16,299 "Oh, good idea! Want me to help you put these up?" 702 00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:19,093 That is poor parenting. 703 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:22,555 I am convinced to this day that the only reason I wasn't molested 704 00:36:22,638 --> 00:36:24,265 is that every pervert in my town 705 00:36:24,348 --> 00:36:27,476 thought that this was the laziest police sting they'd ever seen. 706 00:36:29,395 --> 00:36:30,980 Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Dave. 707 00:36:31,063 --> 00:36:33,733 We've got... we've got such a great show for you. 708 00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:37,320 This next comic, he is one of my favorite comics in the world. 709 00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:39,780 You may have seen him in the movie Big Time Adolescence. 710 00:36:39,864 --> 00:36:41,657 Let's give a big hand, everybody, for Joey Gay! 711 00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:43,993 [cheers and applause] 712 00:36:44,744 --> 00:36:47,580 What's up, fuckers, how are you? 713 00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:51,709 Oh no, that's not going to work! How are you? 714 00:36:52,501 --> 00:36:54,754 -[Joey] That's right! -It was fine. 715 00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:58,758 It's great to be here. My name is Joey Gay, G-A-Y. 716 00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:00,384 I grew up in Brooklyn. 717 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,470 That shit was not cool. 718 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:06,474 Other children beat the shit out of me 719 00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,644 because my last name is Gay. 720 00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:12,480 Two weeks ago I found out my last name 721 00:37:12,563 --> 00:37:15,441 is from the Champagne region in France. 722 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,568 I know, it got gayer! 723 00:37:19,195 --> 00:37:22,782 Which seems weird in this late stage in the game. 724 00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:26,118 And it's supposed to be pronounced, "Ghee." 725 00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:29,956 Right? But I still live in Brooklyn, 726 00:37:30,039 --> 00:37:31,791 I don't have the time 727 00:37:32,291 --> 00:37:34,001 or the balls 728 00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:36,963 to correct people. Like, "Oh, no, sir, 729 00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,757 that's pronounced 'Ghee'." 730 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,927 People in Brooklyn are dickheads, they'll be like, 731 00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:46,514 "Oh, I know, I got a cousin who's 'ghee,' he sucks 'cooks.'" 732 00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:53,604 So happy to be here tonight. I had a heart attack recently. 733 00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,732 They wheeled me into the hospital. 734 00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:59,735 The doctor came out and the first thing he said to me was, 735 00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,614 "Sir, we found drugs in your system." 736 00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:09,203 I was like, "Ah, Doctor, I put the drugs in my system. 737 00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:14,542 Let's move on to the heart attack. That's the part I don't know about." 738 00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,798 He wanted to be a dick, he wanted to keep going, He's like, 739 00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:23,134 "About the drugs..." I was like, "Fuck this guy, 740 00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:24,635 I'm going to flip it on him." 741 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,388 I was like, "Yeah, about the drugs, 742 00:38:27,763 --> 00:38:29,348 I want them back!" 743 00:38:32,852 --> 00:38:35,730 They had to prepare me for surgery. That was scary. 744 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,482 While they prepared me for surgery, 745 00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:40,776 they shaved down here, 746 00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:42,778 but only half. 747 00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:48,159 Only the right half, the top and one of the twins, 748 00:38:48,242 --> 00:38:49,827 the low-hanging one. 749 00:38:53,706 --> 00:38:55,041 Yeah! 750 00:38:55,624 --> 00:39:00,087 And then, they started surgery by going in through my wrist. 751 00:39:01,672 --> 00:39:02,757 Yes! 752 00:39:04,925 --> 00:39:06,844 I was like, "Hey, what the fuck?" 753 00:39:06,927 --> 00:39:10,306 He was like, "Well, in case this doesn't work, we'll go in." 754 00:39:10,389 --> 00:39:12,350 I was like, "Couldn't you have waited? 755 00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:14,477 Look at this!" 756 00:39:14,935 --> 00:39:18,731 Do you know what it's like to be laying naked, on the edge of death, 757 00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,734 surrounded by strangers, thinking, "God! 758 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:26,364 Let me live so I can shave this other nut. 759 00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:32,745 Don't send me to the afterlife looking like this, Lord." 760 00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,040 Having a heart attack is a fucked-up thing. 761 00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:38,751 After that, you've got to change stuff. 762 00:39:39,293 --> 00:39:41,921 You got to change stuff. I had to start exercising, 763 00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:44,131 I had to give up cigarettes. 764 00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:48,511 Oh my God! Do I miss cigarettes. 765 00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:53,766 Cigarettes are the single greatest vice on the planet. 766 00:39:54,266 --> 00:39:57,019 If you don't believe me, allow me to explain. 767 00:39:57,478 --> 00:40:00,856 People used to go home at night to smoke, 768 00:40:00,940 --> 00:40:04,235 and they would put on their smoking jacket. 769 00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:11,242 It is a vice that is so good, it had apparel. 770 00:40:12,284 --> 00:40:14,912 You would go into your home and put on a silk jacket 771 00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:17,206 like some sort of tobacco pimp. 772 00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:25,297 I wish other vices had apparel, too. 773 00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:30,177 Right? So then when you showed up at the bar 774 00:40:30,970 --> 00:40:33,806 on Friday night and you saw your friends, 775 00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,518 you would know exactly what type of bullshit 776 00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:39,645 you were in for that night. 777 00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:42,148 People would be like, "Hey, there's Larry!" 778 00:40:42,231 --> 00:40:44,442 You would be like, "Don't wave at Larry." 779 00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,736 "Why not?" "Larry is wearing his crack helmet. 780 00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:53,075 Larry is going to be an asshole tonight! 781 00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:55,536 Borrowing money, chewing on his face." 782 00:40:58,539 --> 00:41:01,667 I'm getting older and finding out in weird fucking ways. 783 00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:05,504 I found out I was getting old at my bodega. 784 00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:08,174 Last year, when they gave me my change, they were like, 785 00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:09,550 "Thank you, my dude." 786 00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:12,845 Now they go, "Thank you, sir." 787 00:41:12,928 --> 00:41:14,430 Hey! Fuck you! 788 00:41:16,765 --> 00:41:18,934 Ease off on that "sir" shit. 789 00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,979 Whenever some young motherfucker gives me that "sir" shit, 790 00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:24,231 I have something for them, though. 791 00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:25,816 When they go, "Thank you, sir." I go, 792 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:29,028 "I welcome your thanks, young squire!" 793 00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:37,369 See, that puts an end to that "sir" shit 99% of the time. 794 00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:41,499 But the asshole at my bodega on the corner 795 00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:44,877 likes to spend his weekends at the Renaissance festival. 796 00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:50,007 Yeah, so now every time I come in, he's like, "My liege!" 797 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:54,428 I like Los Angeles. It's crazy though. 798 00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:56,639 I was out here on Hollywood Boulevard, 799 00:41:56,722 --> 00:41:59,475 it reminds me of my hometown, New York. 800 00:41:59,558 --> 00:42:03,395 Listen, if you are from New York or L.A., 801 00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:08,776 you have a superpower that other people in the country don't. 802 00:42:08,859 --> 00:42:13,781 And that is you can ignore more crazy... 803 00:42:15,866 --> 00:42:18,035 than anybody else on the planet. 804 00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:26,001 You could be standing on a corner waiting for the light to change. 805 00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:29,672 A stranger could walk up next to you. 806 00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:34,385 He could be holding a severed human head, 807 00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:38,556 wearing no pants, 808 00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:41,725 no underwear, 809 00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:44,478 rock-hard dick out to here! 810 00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,064 If you're from a town like ours, you just go, 811 00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:50,109 "Not my head, not my dick, not my business." 812 00:42:52,778 --> 00:42:56,365 Thank you very much. I have enjoyed this more than you have. 813 00:42:57,157 --> 00:42:58,951 [cheers and applause] 814 00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:04,540 It is my pleasure to bring to the stage a man you've seen here 815 00:43:04,623 --> 00:43:07,001 on Netflix on the show Love. 816 00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:10,296 Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause 817 00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:12,506 for Mr. Jordan Rock. 818 00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:14,675 [cheers and applause] 819 00:43:15,676 --> 00:43:17,469 Ah, you guys can make more noise than that. 820 00:43:17,553 --> 00:43:19,430 What's good, L.A.? Make some noise! 821 00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,390 [cheers and applause] 822 00:43:22,099 --> 00:43:23,767 Nice. Nice. 823 00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:26,520 So, 2022, how we feeling about it? 824 00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,855 [scattered clamoring] 825 00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:30,441 Not even a clap, alright. 826 00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:33,944 I know, right? We're feeling it out still. 827 00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,071 I don't know, man. Not that it's a bad year, 828 00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:38,616 we just had two bad years back to back. 829 00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:41,827 Right? Like 2020, 2021... 830 00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:44,163 2021 started good. 831 00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:45,789 They let us outside. 832 00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:51,837 They were like, "Go, be out there!" 833 00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:54,048 They told us to take the masks off, 834 00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:57,009 we threw them in the air like it was graduation. 835 00:43:58,093 --> 00:44:00,471 And then they were like, "Put them back on!" 836 00:44:00,554 --> 00:44:02,931 And we were like, "No, that's not how this shit works. 837 00:44:03,015 --> 00:44:04,350 Alright? No! 838 00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:07,353 You reneging right now. Nah." 839 00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:10,689 The CDC was acting like your parents after they gave you too much freedom. 840 00:44:10,773 --> 00:44:12,441 You felt that, right? 841 00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,819 CDC was on TV like, "Bring the car back right now, alright?" 842 00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:20,115 You were like, "No, you said I could be out though!" 843 00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:24,495 "Yeah, I said you could be out, I didn't say you could be with your friends." 844 00:44:26,455 --> 00:44:28,457 That was our life, man. We made it out. 845 00:44:28,540 --> 00:44:30,376 What else happened in 2021? We got that new president. 846 00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:31,627 How do we feel about him? 847 00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:33,545 [scattered applause] 848 00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:36,632 Eh... 849 00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:40,135 I'm not political, I don't have any political jokes. 850 00:44:40,219 --> 00:44:42,513 But I will say this about Joe Biden. 851 00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:47,184 I didn't even know I liked my president tweeting 852 00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:50,521 until it stopped. 853 00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:54,733 Now I'm just like, "Nigga... 854 00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,194 where you at, bro?" Like... 855 00:44:59,613 --> 00:45:01,657 What the fuck? Yo, Trump tweeted all the time. 856 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:02,991 Trump tweeted like Kanye, 857 00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,244 it was like, "Yo, take this nigga's phone, bro!" 858 00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:10,207 But the con was, every time Trump tweeted, it was like, 859 00:45:10,290 --> 00:45:12,793 "I feel like he about to go to war. I feel like..." 860 00:45:15,170 --> 00:45:17,089 But now we almost there. 861 00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:21,427 And I'm just looking at Joe Biden like, "Nigga... 862 00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:25,848 start an Instagram or something, bro, please! 863 00:45:27,307 --> 00:45:30,394 A TikTok! You got to reach Gen Z, man!" 864 00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:34,273 Speaking of Gen Z, is there any Gen Z in here? Any? 865 00:45:34,356 --> 00:45:35,732 [audience cheering] 866 00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:40,737 Alright, round of applause if you are over the age of 25. 867 00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:42,948 [cheers and applause] 868 00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:45,200 Nice. My people. 869 00:45:45,742 --> 00:45:48,745 Round of applause if you are under the age of 25. 870 00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:50,581 [cheers and applause] 871 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:54,334 I'm glad you're all here. 872 00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:59,590 I'll take it on behalf of everybody over the age of 25 873 00:45:59,673 --> 00:46:03,093 to finally say to everyone under 25: 874 00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:05,929 fuck Gen Z! 875 00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:10,184 We don't like you! 876 00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:13,020 I'm a millennial, yo, I thought we were bad. 877 00:46:13,770 --> 00:46:15,689 Yeah, we had opinions. 878 00:46:16,231 --> 00:46:18,192 No one gave a fuck. 879 00:46:18,817 --> 00:46:22,821 Everyone under 25, y'all got opinions and you want everyone to know them, 880 00:46:22,905 --> 00:46:25,657 and you want everybody to change for you. 881 00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:29,244 Yeah, everyone under the age of 25 is like, 882 00:46:29,328 --> 00:46:32,289 "I know I just got here in 1997, 883 00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:37,294 but you're doing it wrong, alright? 884 00:46:37,878 --> 00:46:41,798 Listen to me, okay? I read a book and wrote a blog, alright? 885 00:46:41,882 --> 00:46:43,175 Listen to me. 886 00:46:43,258 --> 00:46:46,428 I've never signed a lease, but listen, okay?" 887 00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,558 I hate it, man. Millennials, we were progressive. 888 00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:55,187 We did progressive shit, but we didn't lead like that, you know? 889 00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:58,023 It was just like, "Yo man, why you doing that? That shit's hard." 890 00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:03,779 That was it. "Yo, why you wearing that? That shit's dope." 891 00:47:04,696 --> 00:47:06,281 That's all we needed. 892 00:47:06,740 --> 00:47:11,078 Ask anybody under the age of 25 why they're doing anything. 893 00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:13,330 Like, "Hey man, why are you wearing that shirt?" 894 00:47:13,413 --> 00:47:16,416 "Clothing's my outlet." "Yo, shut the fuck up, please. 895 00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:17,751 Please? 896 00:47:18,877 --> 00:47:21,797 Please shut up. Please, please, please, please, please." 897 00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:25,509 Talking about anybody under the age of 25 898 00:47:27,010 --> 00:47:30,097 with a Twitter account. Fuck you. Alright? 899 00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,644 Yes, thank you, up top. Thank you, thank you. 900 00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:40,524 Yeah, I'm happy about 2022 that nothing racial's happened yet. 901 00:47:41,233 --> 00:47:43,193 I hate when racial shit happens in the country, 902 00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:45,529 like cops shoot an unarmed black man. 903 00:47:46,238 --> 00:47:47,447 Go back to work the next day, 904 00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:50,200 all your white friends are overcompensating. 905 00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:55,831 Yeah, you get it. You're Asian, you're a POC, yeah! 906 00:47:57,624 --> 00:48:00,877 Show up the next day, all your white friends in your face like, "Hey. 907 00:48:04,631 --> 00:48:06,383 Do you know... 908 00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:09,303 that Black lives... 909 00:48:10,137 --> 00:48:11,722 matter?" 910 00:48:13,682 --> 00:48:15,350 And I'm just looking at them confused, like, 911 00:48:15,434 --> 00:48:17,978 "Yeah, I thought all of that was for you. 912 00:48:19,104 --> 00:48:23,358 I've been here, I'm Black, I matter. Tell your grandpa, please. 913 00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:26,612 He makes the laws." 914 00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:31,283 I hate it, man. All my white friends overcompensate. 915 00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:34,161 All my other friends act like good people. 916 00:48:34,745 --> 00:48:37,456 I hate it. I go on Facebook, all my friends turn into activists 917 00:48:37,539 --> 00:48:38,915 out of nowhere. 918 00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,876 Yeah, I read the post, by the end of it I'm like, 919 00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:45,130 "But nigga, I know you. You're... you're a piece of shit, man. 920 00:48:45,213 --> 00:48:47,299 You curse at your mom. What are you talking about?" 921 00:48:49,176 --> 00:48:51,428 I hate it. My boys get way too into it. 922 00:48:51,511 --> 00:48:53,013 Went on Facebook the other day, my boy was like, 923 00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:54,389 "I'm about to donate to charity!" 924 00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:56,892 I was like, "Whoa, nigga, you owe me $40, 925 00:48:56,975 --> 00:48:58,310 what are you talking about? 926 00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:01,855 Fuck this GoFundMe, bro, you don't know her, alright? 927 00:49:01,938 --> 00:49:04,566 I was there for you when you needed it. Break me, nigga." 928 00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:08,904 Found out I was a piece of shit in 2020. 929 00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:12,658 Not that I'm a piece of shit, it's just that I have a selfish set 930 00:49:12,741 --> 00:49:14,159 of inner values. 931 00:49:14,242 --> 00:49:18,080 I have to answer to God about that when I go, okay? 932 00:49:18,830 --> 00:49:22,084 But I'm still with the shit, I still don't fuck with racism, 933 00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:24,086 systemic racism, 934 00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:25,796 police brutality. 935 00:49:26,421 --> 00:49:27,881 The police. 936 00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,510 But at the same time, there are certain things that affect me 937 00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:32,761 just as much as the police. 938 00:49:32,844 --> 00:49:34,304 There are certain things that happened to me 939 00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:38,517 that I think are just as bad as the police, to me. 940 00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:42,062 Y'all quiet as shit right now. 941 00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:45,774 Y'all are like, "Where the fuck is he going with all these trigger words? 942 00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:48,902 Just trigger after trigger after trigger, I'm triggered." 943 00:49:49,986 --> 00:49:52,155 I got y'all, I'll make it funny, alright? Here we go. 944 00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:54,533 Y'all ready for...? This is something. Y'all ready for something 945 00:49:54,616 --> 00:49:56,368 that I think is just as bad as the police? 946 00:49:56,451 --> 00:49:58,662 -[woman] Yeah. -Alright, here we go. 947 00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:08,588 If you're a woman, 948 00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:16,138 and you give a half-ass blowjob, 949 00:50:18,265 --> 00:50:22,561 you are just as bad 950 00:50:23,353 --> 00:50:25,480 as the police 951 00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:29,234 to me, okay? 952 00:50:29,526 --> 00:50:31,778 You are oppressing me. 953 00:50:32,404 --> 00:50:34,990 You're stopping me from reaching my full potential. 954 00:50:35,532 --> 00:50:38,618 And I know you're causing that police brutality outside, alright? 955 00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:41,705 Because officers with empty nuts 956 00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:44,249 don't shoot unarmed black people, okay? 957 00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:48,962 We cannot have these officers in the streets 958 00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,047 with full nuts 959 00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:54,217 and full clips. 960 00:50:57,971 --> 00:51:00,307 One of them has to be empty. 961 00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:11,151 So ladies, we need you. 962 00:51:11,818 --> 00:51:14,070 Every woman in this room. 963 00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:16,865 We need you. 964 00:51:18,408 --> 00:51:20,619 We need you the most, alright? 965 00:51:21,411 --> 00:51:23,371 Next time you suck a dick, alright? 966 00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,249 Go down there with intent, alright? Just... 967 00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:30,921 Just energy, commitment, alright? Grab the head right here, okay? 968 00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,758 This is where all the nerves are. Fuck the shaft, 969 00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:36,885 grab the balls, tickle the taint, 970 00:51:36,968 --> 00:51:38,929 spit, elbow grease. 971 00:51:43,183 --> 00:51:44,643 I'll sum it all up. 972 00:51:46,269 --> 00:51:48,021 Ladies, if you can, 973 00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,024 next time you suck a dick, 974 00:51:53,026 --> 00:51:54,444 please... 975 00:51:56,238 --> 00:51:57,823 suck dick... 976 00:52:01,117 --> 00:52:03,328 like Black lives matter. 977 00:52:10,669 --> 00:52:13,421 We need you! 978 00:52:13,505 --> 00:52:15,924 White women, we really need you, okay? We really do. 979 00:52:16,007 --> 00:52:19,594 You have, uh... You have BLM on all your dating profiles. 980 00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:21,221 It's time to prove it, alright? 981 00:52:23,557 --> 00:52:25,559 I'm Jordan Rock, and with that being said, 982 00:52:25,642 --> 00:52:29,020 are you ready for me to bring back the man of the hour? 983 00:52:31,314 --> 00:52:36,570 Make some noise for my motherfucking nigga, Pete Davidson, everybody. 984 00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:39,197 [cheers and applause] 985 00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:44,578 Woo! 986 00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:47,289 Jordan Rock, everybody. Jordan Rock. 987 00:52:48,748 --> 00:52:51,459 Backstage, I was like, welp, I'm getting canceled. 988 00:52:53,628 --> 00:52:55,964 Thank you. Thank you guys all for coming out. 989 00:52:56,047 --> 00:52:59,843 One more time for all the comics that you see tonight. 990 00:52:59,926 --> 00:53:01,970 [cheers and applause] 991 00:53:02,679 --> 00:53:06,850 Anyways, this next guy who's coming to the stage... 992 00:53:07,350 --> 00:53:13,148 we celebrated Christmas together in 2018. 993 00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:17,402 We were at my mom's house, we were living together at my mom's house... 994 00:53:19,446 --> 00:53:20,822 in her basement. 995 00:53:22,407 --> 00:53:24,743 And I remember we were looking at each other, and we were like, 996 00:53:24,826 --> 00:53:26,286 "It's okay. 997 00:53:27,537 --> 00:53:29,539 Our careers are fucking over. It's fine. 998 00:53:30,665 --> 00:53:33,084 We had fun. It's all good." 999 00:53:33,168 --> 00:53:35,795 Whoever would have thought we could have done anything, right? 1000 00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:40,634 This guy now has two number-one albums in a row. 1001 00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:44,054 He's I think one of the biggest names you can get. 1002 00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:47,933 Please give it up for Machine Gun Kelly, everyone! 1003 00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:49,392 [cheers and applause] 1004 00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:55,190 ♪ Ayy, I wrote a letter to myself In the form of a song I could play ♪ 1005 00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:56,691 ♪ When the sun shines ♪ 1006 00:53:56,775 --> 00:53:59,319 ♪ I know better than to trust ♪ 1007 00:53:59,402 --> 00:54:03,239 ♪ Anything that I say to myself When I'm this high ♪ 1008 00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,618 ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ 1009 00:54:06,701 --> 00:54:09,412 ♪ I don't ever Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪ 1010 00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:12,749 ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ 1011 00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:15,418 ♪ I don't ever Wanna fall when... ♪ 1012 00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:18,254 ♪ I just did a interview With my eyes closed ♪ 1013 00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:19,297 -♪ Motherfucker ♪ -♪ Motherfucker ♪ 1014 00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:22,342 ♪ I just sparked a blunt It looked like pyro ♪ 1015 00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,719 ♪ Only comments I see Are the bad ones ♪ 1016 00:54:24,803 --> 00:54:25,762 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 1017 00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:27,847 ♪ Only playlists I like Are the sad ones ♪ 1018 00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:30,517 ♪ I let the medicine in I know it won't help in the end ♪ 1019 00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:33,019 ♪ But I got depression again I had a meeting at seven ♪ 1020 00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,938 ♪ I skipped it and slept in and woke up At 7 p.m. ♪ 1021 00:54:35,021 --> 00:54:36,690 -♪ I cut my hair off ♪ -♪ Like Britney ♪ 1022 00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:38,358 -♪ Sprinkled dust ♪ -♪ Like a pixie ♪ 1023 00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,110 -♪ Wiped my nose ♪ -♪ Like it's itchy ♪ 1024 00:54:40,193 --> 00:54:41,820 -♪ I'm tatted up ♪ -♪ And I don't give a fuck ♪ 1025 00:54:42,487 --> 00:54:45,323 ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ 1026 00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:48,743 ♪ I don't ever Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪ 1027 00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:52,247 ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ 1028 00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:55,125 ♪ I don't ever Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪ 1029 00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,712 ♪ When I'm this high When I'm this high ♪ 1030 00:54:58,795 --> 00:55:01,965 ♪ I just looked in the mirror Who is this guy? ♪ 1031 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:05,343 ♪ It's a full moon, what? Where the good shrooms? ♪ 1032 00:55:05,427 --> 00:55:08,221 ♪ I'm so fucking high Sound like a good school ♪ 1033 00:55:08,304 --> 00:55:10,932 ♪ Higher than Jehovah Highway to Heaven ♪ 1034 00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:14,644 ♪ You know I'ma get pulled over I might need a chauffeur ♪ 1035 00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:17,772 ♪ Lean in my soda So I'ma need a shoulder ♪ 1036 00:55:17,856 --> 00:55:21,192 ♪ Why you got your nose up? I smell like Guns N' Roses ♪ 1037 00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:24,738 ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ 1038 00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:27,824 ♪ I don't ever Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪ 1039 00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:31,202 ♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪ 1040 00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:34,873 ♪ I don't ever Wanna fall when I'm this high ♪ 1041 00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:39,919 Make some noise for my motherfucking best friend Pete Davidson. 1042 00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:42,380 [cheers and applause] 1043 00:55:44,466 --> 00:55:47,218 ♪ I don't ever wanna fall When I'm this high ♪ 1044 00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:52,891 Let's go. 1045 00:55:52,974 --> 00:55:54,809 ♪ Screaming when we fuck ♪ 1046 00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:56,936 ♪ Screaming when we fight, yeah ♪ 1047 00:55:57,020 --> 00:56:00,482 ♪ Even when I'm drunk You're my only type, yeah ♪ 1048 00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:04,069 ♪ Please don't break my heart I know that you might, yeah ♪ 1049 00:56:04,152 --> 00:56:07,238 ♪ Tell me tell me now Are you 'bout that life? Yeah ♪ 1050 00:56:07,322 --> 00:56:10,742 ♪ Bonnie and Clyde, ready to die Two grave sites, later tonight ♪ 1051 00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:14,704 ♪ You told me to stop waiting I can feel your back breaking ♪ 1052 00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:18,374 ♪ Late night, face down, ooh Waterworks, swam your pool ♪ 1053 00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:21,836 ♪ Backstroke, we both naked I can see that ass shaking ♪ 1054 00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:26,007 ♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪ 1055 00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,719 ♪ You're gone when I wake up ♪ 1056 00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:32,972 ♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪ 1057 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:36,893 ♪ Oh, you're gone when I wake up ♪ 1058 00:56:36,976 --> 00:56:40,188 ♪ When you come back I'll be waiting ♪ 1059 00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:43,775 ♪ There's something you're not saying ♪ 1060 00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:47,821 ♪ When you come back I'll be waiting ♪ 1061 00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:51,449 ♪ There's something you're not saying ♪ 1062 00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:10,510 [Machine Gun Kelly] Actually, this next one, 1063 00:57:10,593 --> 00:57:13,304 me and Pete, we've been smoking weed together 1064 00:57:13,388 --> 00:57:16,015 for a long time in his mom's basement, 1065 00:57:16,099 --> 00:57:18,726 and anytime we do smoke... 1066 00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:20,145 ♪ This shit tastes like... ♪ 1067 00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:25,191 ♪ Get those hands up like this, yeah ♪ 1068 00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:28,194 ♪ L.A.'s seen this shit, yeah Yeah ♪ 1069 00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:30,905 ♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪ 1070 00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:33,324 ♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪ 1071 00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,785 -♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪ -♪ What? ♪ 1072 00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:38,204 ♪ I'm trying to fix this damage, yeah ♪ 1073 00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,665 ♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪ 1074 00:57:40,748 --> 00:57:43,126 ♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪ 1075 00:57:43,209 --> 00:57:45,587 ♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪ 1076 00:57:45,712 --> 00:57:47,964 ♪ I'm trying to face this damage, yeah ♪ 1077 00:57:48,089 --> 00:57:52,635 ♪ I'm in my head again I took more medicine ♪ 1078 00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:57,432 ♪ Ripped up the parts from my heart And my chest again ♪ 83432