Original subtitles

Would you rather get embroiled in a particularly nasty

Ponzi scheme or go on a date with Trevor from school?

No, that's... You're still doing it wrong.

It has to be a hard choice.

Sounds like someone wants to go on a date with Trevor.

Ooh!

Oh, you know what we should do?

We should summon Grundleman.

Who's Grundleman?

He's the latest evil mirror-based phenomenon.

Supposedly if you say his name 25 times into the mirror,

he'll appear and just murder you.

Oh, my gosh.

Let's do it.

Are you sure?

Rebecca's scared!

Ooh!

Grundleman.

You can probably pace that up, 'cause it's just...

Grundleman, Grundleman, Grundleman, Grundleman,

Grundleman, Grundleman, Grundleman.

That's 23.

You want Trevor to come over and count for you?

Ooh!

Grundleman, Grundleman.

I just stopped being scared at a certain point

'cause I was, like, so bored.

So what should we do instead?

Why don't we play hooky!

Leslie, I don't need help in the field,

and even if I did, not Hanley.

I'm just gonna end up having to save his life again.

He's doing all right with the simulator, Gary.

It's set to "Rookie."

Look, the demons are introducing themselves

before he fights them.

Greetings. I am Gargnel.

Thank you for having me.

They're drinking tea!

Why is that part of the simulation?

Gargnel enjoys Earl Grey.

He's learning, Gar. Give him time.

I think he'll be good for you, for backup and emotionally...

What are you saying? I'm unstable?

No, no. I'm saying you're not stable.

That's not even a synonym.

You just defined "un."

Look, if he doesn't do well, we'll drop it.

It's just a trial period.

Really?

Okay, then I have a feeling he won't do very well.

Please don't sabotage this.

Yeah, you heard all of that, huh?

Did you see me lighting her up on the shooting range?

Yeah, well, it's not like you can just shoot a demon, Hanley.

They're a bit stronger than that.

Now, listen, when we get in that room,

I want you to lead the interrogation, okay?

You trust me to do that?

Of course I do!

And if you mess up, I'll take over and tell Leslie

you couldn't hack it.

Uh, hi, little girl.

We understand that you haven't spoken

since the night in question,

so I was hoping you'd maybe choose to do that.

Oh, my God.

No, sorry. No, this is going really well.

I'm just gonna take notes on how well you're doing.

Do you have a puppet or something?

Do I have a puppet?

Okay, no, I've got an idea.

What are you doing? Ew.

Excuse me, little girl.

Maybe if you're not comfortable talking to me,

you'd be comfortable talking to my friend Sock... Guy.

Hi... Sock Guy.

What the fuck?

Would you tell me what happened on the bad night?

Um, we were having a party and then we said his name.

Whose name did you say?

Grundleman.

Grundleman?

And then he came out of the mirror and he... he...

Murdered all your friends?

Right.

Well-done, Hanley, and Mr. Foot Man.

It doesn't mean you're a good field agent, but, Hanley...

Uh... toilet... bathroom.

Seems an emotional trigger I do spy.

And a trigger man becometh I.

What?

Oh, nothing. Just scheming.

You good?

Hanley, you in here?

Sorry about that, Gar.

Just hearing that girl's story reminded me of some crap

from my own past.

The year was 1992.

Just diving right in? Okay.

Me and some school chums were having a bit of a sleepover.

The whole gang was there.

Amber thought it might have been a good idea to engage in some

light mirror divination, so we went ahead into the

upstairs bathroom and said that name three times in a row.

Bloody Mary.

In a flash, there she was.

It was a bloodbath.

I managed to escape out the window,

but my friends were not so lucky.

Wow.

Well, listen, um, if you don't want to do this job

because you're too scared or just totally unfit in general,

I get it.

Uh-uh, Gary.

I'm not gonna let you down the way I did my friends.

Well, then, I think I've got a plan,

and I know you're gonna like it?

You ready for this?

Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!

What, Gary, no!

Hey, Mary.

Gary!

Hey!

So you still keeping clean?

Totally murder-free. Five years now.

Though my mother-in-law's visiting so...

Oh!

We'll see, right?

Uh-oh. Don't do that.

Gary, uh, can I talk to you for a quick sec?

Um, okay, one sec, Mary.

What the hell is this, Gary? You're friends with this creep?

She's an informant, Hanley.

Yeah, a while back I caught her doing her thing, killing teens,

you know about that.

I gave her a choice:

stop killing and work for me or I'll kill you.

It's true.

Anyway, she'll help us.

And if any point you're too scared, you can just sub out

or go back to doing forensics.

No sweat.

So, Mary, baby, what do you know about Grundleman?

So that's what this is about.

He's the hot new mirror monster,

running his mouth about how the old guard is out of touch?

Bloody Mary dates back to the 1500s.

I am mirror monster.

That's me.

I know that, yeah.

What the hell's a grundle, anyway?

Isn't that like the space between your balls

and your asshole?

Boy, I'd love to kill that guy myself.

But you can't because...

Because that would contravene our agreement.

Contravene our agreement.

I know.

That's right.

Hey, have we met before?

Uh...

Oh, he's adorable.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So how do we catch this guy?

If you want to catch him, set a trap.

He targets preteens, so whatever you do, make it convincing.

Oh, I think I know what that means.

Talking 'bout a teenage slumber party.

Come on, Hanley.

Oh, gross!

He's scared because you killed all his friends

when he was little.

That's where I know you from.

Teen party, t-t-teen party.

Hanley, come on, get out here.

Oh, I feel real goofy, Gar.

Oh, you look fuckin' psycho. I love it.

You just need your braces. Here, slide these in.

Gary, this is ridiculous.

Oh, check this out.

Apparently today's teens just watch videos of other teens

opening boxes of makeup.

SparkleLatte?

Hey, y'all.

It's SparkleLatte22 coming at you...

Okay, let's get in that bathroom.

Okay, come on, Hanley. You can do this.

Hoo-yeah!

Yeah!

Hanley, come on!

Oh, yep.

This brush is a very good brush...

Okay, here we go.

Grundleman, Grundleman, Grundleman.

Grundleman...

It's okay, Han.

You're going to be fine.

Just keep your head up and you're gonna be...

Ew!

What the hell, Hanley? Again?

Oh, I can't do this.

Wow. Checkmate, I guess.

Okay, where was I?

Grundleman, Grundleman, Grundleman, Grundleman,

Grundleman!

Huh.

Okay, Plan B.

Hey, Michaela? It's Uncle Gary.

I know it's late, but what are you up to right now,

don't tell your dad?

No, don't... Oh, fuck me.

Hey, Steve.

Stop yelling.

I was just calling to say hi, Steve.

I wasn't going to use her as bait.

Oh, weird. This couch has hooks.

Shit!

Ooh, close call!

But now I'm gonna...

Hey, is this SparkleLatte22?

Uh, yeah. How do you know about that?

I kill preteen girls. I see a lot of this stuff.

Oh, this is the one where she gets the brush, right?

Quit talking about it, you pedo.

Hey, don't call me that!

Oh, uh-oh. Found a trigger, huh?

Surprised you didn't bring over a case of coolers,

you raging pedo.

Uh-oh. Oh, hey.

Here he comes.

Oh, one sec, I gotta take this.

Hey, what are you doing?

Uh-huh. Hello?

Stop it!

Yes, I am satisfied with my long distance plan.

Hey, come on, man. That was expensive.

You know, up close, you look less like a preteen girl

and more like a very old, very tired man.

Ooh, ouchie. Ow.

I guess your third hook is your words, huh?

No, my third hook is... a hook!

What the... Ow!

I wish I could let you live, but when it comes to

murdering people, I guess you could say...

You're hooked.

What? What did you say?

I guess you could say you're hooked.

That's what you were gonna say.

That's not what I was gonna say.

Pretty sure it is.

No, it's not.

Your whole personality is hooks, man.

There's other hook things you can say.

All right, what were you gonna say?

I was gonna say the hook stops here.

You want a mulligan on that one?

Fine, that was what I was gonna say.

I'm still gonna fuckin' murder you.

Step away from my friend.

Nice try, but now I'll introduce you to my little friend:

fourth hook.

Four hooks?

Go to hell, you son of a bitch!

You think you can just send me back?

No, but I can summon someone else.

Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

No!

Bloody Mary!

Oh, thank God. My mother-in-law was just...

Oh, hello, Grundleman.

Bloody Mary. Hi.

Hi. Uh, you look well.

I read your recent interview in "Mirror World" magazine.

Yeah.

The one where you called me washed-up.

I was like...

I was on all these cold medications.

Like, I honestly had no idea what I was talking about.

And I asked them not to print it.

I said, "You know, this is bad.

This isn't going to be good, but..."

So I tried, but I don't think I even really said that

anyway so...

I'm sorry.

Mary?

Mmm-hmm.

Do you want to kill him?

Mmm-hmm!

Okay, just this once.

Oh, my God!

So how did he do?

Fine.

I'm not gonna want him around all the time, but yeah,

he could be a little bit helpful.

Rooibos.

Mint. Lemon honey.

Or maybe not.

I'm just glad to see you smiling again.

Or not smiling, exactly, but not trying to kill yourself.

Yep, Gary's making huge strides.

Please use a saucer.

Oh, sorry about that, Gargnel.

Hanley!

What is this coffee table? Teak?

Stop talking about tea and set him to "Fight."

Okay, Gar. I'll just crank it up to a 10.

Gargnel will slay you and fuck your corpse.

Too high!