All language subtitles for Confessions.Of.A.Driving.Instructor.1976.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Mr. Lee? Oh, yes, sir.

I'm Mr. Maidment, your chief examiner.

I'm afraid I shan't be able to take you,
but I've managed to get somebody else.

Oh, good.

It's Miss... Miss Adairs.

Mr. Lee?

Mr. Lee, shall we proceed?

Oh, yes, please.

Uh, I mean... Yes, madam.

Why?

So, if Timmy passes his driver's
instructor's exam, you'll be off then.

I don't know what it'll be like without
you.

The house will be like a tomb.

You won't lose touch completely, will
you? Oh, Mum, it's only on the other

of town.

20 minutes on the train.

Oh. I mean, just think.

A driving school with a little par de
terre above it. A what?

A flat.

You know, it's just what we need now
that Jason's growing so fast.

Well, what about my Timmy?

Oh, he can stay with us.

There'd be room in the flat, wouldn't
there?

Well, yeah.

Well, I haven't actually seen his side
yet.

Here.

I thought you said it was palatial.
Yeah, it is from the outside.

The fella took me round there after
dinner.

So? What? You were pipped then.

Rosie, that's not pretty nice.

Well, it's true.

You know, it took two of his mates to
hold him up when he proposed.

Well, you know, it's my Timmy I'm
worried about.

He's never been away from home before.

Oh, don't worry about Timmy, Mum. You
know, he's much more responsible these

days.

How'd I do?

Congratulations, Mr. Lee. You're now a
fully qualified driving instructor.

What?

Mind you, when Jimmy Starr's been
responsible, that's the time to start

isn't it?

Somebody always happens.

See what I mean. Sorry, Sid.

But I did it.

I'm a daddy.

Oh, no.

Yeah, it's not that girl from the
newspaper office, is it?

No, Mum, it's not. A D -E -A -D -R. A
Department of the Environment approved

driving instructor.

Oh, my.

Silly. Oh, to think Timmy's part of the
environment.

Yeah, there ain't many in the street can
say that loud.

Well, certainly not, Dad. Eh?

Tried to get through that hall lately,
have you? Huh.

He'd be glad of the extra space now that
we've gone.

Well, he loves somewhere to put all that
junk he keeps on bringing home from the

lost property office.

He's nice, isn't he, eh?

He'll be company for Freddy.

Freddy? That's what he calls his
gorilla.

Yeah, they didn't leave that at the lost
property office.

I found it abandoned in the ice rink.

Abandoned? That was put there to collect
for charity.

Got a collecting box, Dad. Yeah, it's a
bit of a mistake, isn't it? I reckon it

breaks up the natural look of the thing.
It's full of money, Dad.

Oh, Walter!

Dad! Yeah, well, I'll tell you what.
I'll put it towards some lessons with

two. All right. Well, in that case,
that's different, isn't it?

Well, at least we'll start off with one
cut tomorrow.

I can't wait.

Is it good, this place? Good.

God!

Just wait till you see it.

Humphrey found some half -wit called
Nugget to sell out to before he

disappeared. That won't be any threat to
us, Mr. Truscott.

Thanks to your efforts, I think I can
safely say the Truscott Driving School

second to none.

Thank you, Bandler. Nevertheless, it
beholds us not to sit on our laurels.

absolutely. I wouldn't dream of sitting
on anybody's laurels, especially ours.

Does that Moribund Institution still
have any clients left?

Moribu, sir.

Dumfries outfit. Do they still have any
clients?

Dumfries outfit? One or two, I should
think.

Sorry, sir.

I will. Take the initiative.

Sign those clients up.

Oh, brilliant, sir. Brilliant.

Nature abhors a vacuum bender.

Sorry?

Gosh, I'm awfully sorry I'm late, Daddy.
Can't leave my stuff in here.

By all means, my dear.

Hello, Mary.

Oh, no, Tony.

Mended your rubber shirt.

Thanks a lot.

Super try, you squirt. Which one,
sweetie?

Just because your daddy invested in this
business for you does not give you the

right to be overly familiar, Bandle.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Trusk. I didn't
mean any offense.

I'll go and wash my hands.

What happened to the tea, Mary?

No, I was just popping out for some
milk, Daddy.

Now bring the client figures when you
get back. I want to get my chance up to

date.

Gosh, how super.

Looks like we've got two new customers.

Oh, it's great, isn't it, eh?

Our own business again.

Just like when we was cleaning windows,
kid.

Oh, yes, it is. Oh, it's phantom, isn't
it, eh?

Do you know what? I just knew it had
great possibilities, you know, the

old Dumfrey drove me past it.

Dumfrey?

Yeah, yeah, I'll have to check the name.
What?

Who?

Hello. Oh, do go in and make yourselves
at home. I was just popping out for some

milk. I won't be a minute.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, see, she was nice.

Did she come with it? You'd better ask
her, wouldn't you?

I haven't met any of my staff yet.

Oh, well, thanks for letting me stagger
in with Jason.

Where's the flag?

Oh, one thing at a time, love. I've got
to get this place straightened up first,

haven't I? Well, look, Jason can't wait.
He's got to have his nappy changed.

Oh, look, I'm going to go down to the
chemist and get some nappy liners. Yeah?

Sid, what are you talking about? This
place is fantastic.

No, no, no, kid, it's far too fussy.
What I'm looking for is a clean sort of

functional, you know, almost Swedish
sort of look.

I mean, come on. Look at that diabolical
geezer there.

He's got to go for a start -up.

Oh, Sid, are you sure? Hey, look, don't
just stand there, son. Do something.

Will you make yourself useful?

Take that thingy there. What, the
aquarium?

Yeah, that's it, yeah. Take it upstairs
to the flat. Put it in Jason's room,

right? Right, Sid.

Oh, Sid, help!

Help! Sid, give it to me.

Get your hand under me.

Get your hand under me. You might have
got it under me. Go, Sid.

Go, go.

Quick, go. No, Sid.

What the devil's going on there? Take
him out.

Have I got the right one? The fish.

I think I've got it. I think I've got
it.

Harry.

You unmitigated pounders.

Morning.

Get it out. Yes, I've got it.

My portrait in genuine oils.

The personality's over, big head.

Come on, Bobby. Don't just stand there
gawking.

Give us a hand.

This mess cleared up. I've got it.

Slippery little devil. Oh, you.

You. I hope you don't stutter like that
when you're working for me, mate.

Oh, God, blimey. It's not very nice for
the customers, is it? Hey.

Here we are.

Sid.

Sid. I said later, love. Later. I'll
show you the flat later. Ow.

This isn't it.

Look, love. I said I'll show you the
bloody flat later. Can't you see them up

me eyes, innit?

What is it?

Dumfries School of Motoring is next
door, isn't it?

What?

You are in the wrong driving school.

Yes, right. There used to have been a
bit of a... Sorry about that.

Shut up.

Oh, listen.

Oh, I think this is probably yours, sir.

Ooh.

God, look at that.

Dated this place.

That dirty crook, Dumfries.

Hey, show me one place, then tell him me
this load of old rubbish.

Yes, well, sir.

Oh, not exactly the British School of
Motoring, is it, sir? Ha.

Bloody ha.

Oh, no.

Morning, all. See you, sir.

Oh, sorry, Avril.

Well, at least he left us his knockers.
Um, a second.

Come on, get up. Get up.

It's not a bad little flat.

But there's only room for us and Jason.

I'd like a cup of tea, love.

Cup of tea?

I haven't got time for a cup of tea.
I've got to clear up.

Here. And what are we going to do about
Timmy?

We can't let him sleep down here.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go back to
Mum and Dad, won't I?

My mum has lodgers.

You can come and stay with us.

Oh, yeah. I suppose I could.

You'll be on the job much quicker if you
come with me.

Sounds like an offer you can't refuse to
make.

Oh. Well, that's settled then, isn't it?

Well, I'd better get back to our
palatial flat.

Look, April, you don't happen to know
where this dumpy goose rang up to? Oh,

yes. He sent me a nice postcard today.
Where from?

Australia. Oh, bloody creep.

I'll be jumped on by a kangaroo.

Oh! Um, did he leave any customers
behind?

Oh, yes. I've had two of them ringing up
today. Asked them when the new

management's taken over.

Oh, well, thank God for that.

Get them laid on for this afternoon,
will you?

What do they like?

There's Miss Slenderpot and a Mrs.
Hargreaves.

Miss Slenderpot.

Sounds interesting.

Now, mature is she?

Very.

Right.

I will immerse myself in this lady.

Oh, said surely. I have spoken, Timothy.
You should take Mrs. Hargreaves.

And I shall take this slender part.

Oh, good afternoon.

Welcome. Welcome to the Noggin School.

We teach you things.

But other driving schools don't even
know exist.

Oh, Mrs. Hargreaves, I'd like to
introduce you to Mr. Lee, who's going to

your instructor.

Oh, wonderful.

No, no, there'll be a change of plans.

I will have Mrs. Hargreaves.

You can take Miss Lenderpart.

Hello.

It's all right, Miss Lenderpart. Mr.
Nogget is waiting for you. Hello.

I hope I'm not late.

I've just had a long session with the
vicar.

Well, hang on a minute. I think there's
been a bit of a mistake.

The toilet's in the garden. Why, don't
worry, love. I'll move in a minute.

Oh.

Now, Timothy, I insist that you take
Mrs.

Harding's and I will take Miss
Standapart's. But, Sid, you said...

nothing more to be said, Timothy.

Nothing more.

Oh, fine.

Stargreeves? Ta -ra, Rosie.

Goodbye, Sid.

Are we ready to go, madam?

Rather, I'm raring to go. I put
something warm on.

I hope you've got nerves of steel, young
man.

Well, I... Forgive my shopping, won't
you?

Shall we go?

After you.

Thank you. There you are, madam.

Mr. Dumfries said she was the reason he
was emigrating.

She's failed her test 43 times.

Oh, my God.

Ah, there you are.

I think the best thing we can do is go
through the correct procedure for

away from the curb.

It's lovely up here, isn't it?

Yes, very nice.

Yes, well, first of all, we check in our
mirror, don't we?

I normally do that afterwards.

No, I was referring to checking in your
mirror if anything was coming up behind.

I see.

If you don't mind me asking, how many
lessons have you had?

Only one.

We did lowering and raising the front
seat. It was ever so exciting.

Would you like me to show you?

Well, yes.

No.

There's so little to do around here if
you don't play bridge.

But... Oh, come on. Who knows? I might
even book a course of lessons.

I can see you mean business.

You

can

draw on me.

Yes, ma 'am. If I can unbuckle my scary
golem head.

Blimey, it's the police.

It's the police.

What's the matter? I've been arrested by
the fuzz already.

we lost them yet yes they've turned off
which is more than i can say for myself

we have some unfinished business to
attend to i'll pull in over there it

quite quiet

now

look are you sure this is a good idea oh
come on let's go in there where there

It's where you're taking me.

Careful.

You're mad.

But I don't mind. I'll forgive you. Just
a... There.

No! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Well, we're not

You'd better have a quick bath.

Mum's almost got the meal ready.

Thank you very much. Right.

Oh, it's nice to have a manly appetite
around the house again, isn't it, Avril?

Yes, Mum.

Avril's father had a lovely appetite
until the sea took him from us.

Don't expect you can remember him, can
you, Avril?

I remember some of his friends better,
Mum.

More, Mr Lee?

Oh, no, ta. Enough, thank you.

Avril? No, thanks, Mum.

Could you force down another eclair?

Oh, yeah, smashing.

Thank you.

If there's anything you want, anything
at all, you've only to ask, hasn't he,

Avril?

Oh, terribly sorry.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go and take
another bath.

Funny boy.

Oh. I made myself a cup of oval tea.
Would you fancy one?

Oh, smashing, yes.

Is there room?

Well, there is at the moment.

Cheers.

All abreast.

I mean... It's a bit hot, isn't it?

Yes.

That's a fantastic nightie.

Do you like it? Oh, yes, it's got a sort
of certain... Oh, sorry.

Now look what you've done.

I'm sorry, just sort of... Aren't you
going to do it up again?

Of course I am.

Of course I am.

Right.

There we are.

Oh, yes.

There we are.

Why don't you take it off?

Oh, yes.

Would be easier.

Oh, um... Well, get down.

Come in.

I, uh, hope I'm not disturbing you.

It's a little chilly tonight, and I
thought you might like something to warm

the cockles, as they say.

Oh, that's very kind.

Shall I pop it in for you?

No!

Oh, I mean, no.

Thank you, I know.

Just where I like it.

Are you all right?

Oh, definitely.

Well,

I suppose I'd better be going.

I expect you'll like my Avril.

She likes getting her head down.

Oh, does she really?

Good night, Mrs. Chalmers.

Good night.

Night.

Night. Night.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Oh, blimey. It's Ray Marion.

Off to shoot your lunch, are you?

Um, listen, I'm sorry about that mix -up
at the office.

How are your guffies?

Oh, they're fine, thanks. Swing about
their new tank like video.

Oh, super.

I say, I want you to do me a favor.

Of course.

Well, could you zip this up?

Pardon?

Oh, I see. What? About the rugby match
at the club. It'll be super fun. You

come.

I'll never forget when Tony took me to
see the barbers at Twickers and we got

fizzles on champers.

Oh, I say. Yes. I adore rugger types. Do
you play?

Me?

Rugby? Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh, madam.

Oh.

Terribly sorry.

Do you think you could give me a hand?

Help me off with this. Right.

Mind your guppies.

Thanks.

I say, I wonder, could you help me? You
see, Tony was supposed to pick me up and

take me up to the rugger club to
practice my archery. Well, he seems to

held up.

You mean he can't drive?

No. They'll might test twice.

You can imagine what a goose I feel.

Well, we'll take Daddy's car.

Oh, right.

It's a Sherwood.

You will be careful, won't you, the
Bentleys? That is pride and joy.

You'll rely on me.

I think... Do be careful.

Here we are.

Get bits and pieces.

Get them in the back.

In you get, madam.

I'm funny.

Link!

Mary! Mary!

Oh, this is too much.

Oh, stand the fellow.

Ah! Miss Truscott?

Miss Truscott, I've locked myself out.

Have you ever done it like this before?

No.

The pygmies can get it further using
this method.

Oh, and then it can stop your growth.

Can you stretch it further?

No, I can't get it up anymore.

Ready? Yes.

Right, now.

Yeah,

good shot, Mary.

Thanks. Where did yours go?

Oh.

What are we going to do now?

Oh, well, I've got to get back to the
office and get changed.

Fitz arranged for me to take a Miss
Blender part out for a lesson. Yes, I

her. She used to be with us.

Oh, dear.

Yes. Well, Sid said she's very nice and
a very good pupil.

She's only taken a test for it three
times.

Are you all right, dear?

Oh, yes, thanks.

I've been through all the instructors at
the Truska driving school as well, you

know. Oh, really?

Yes. Well, and safety belt fastened? Oh,
yes. I know my driving code.

Clump clip every trip.

Unforgettable.

Yes.

Right. Now, I'm sure I don't have to
remind you of the correct procedure for

pulling away from the curb.

Which curb do you mean, dear? No, don't
tell me. Let me guess.

Oh, I see. Yes.

No, no.

This one.

That

was

a teeny -weeny bit impulsive, wasn't it?
Oh, was it?

Yes.

Let's take it nice and gently, eh?

Right.

Right. Now, change down as you approach
this ever -crossing.

Righty -ho!

I said change down, not charge down.

Oh. Sorry.

Now, now, change down as your coach is
calling.

Yes. You can see the corner, can't you?
Yes. What? Come through.

Cut.

I'm clutching as hard as I can.

Not that kind of clutch, you silly
old... Silly... Silly old you.

You must remember to press down with
your foot. Which foot?

Well, the left foot.

The left.

Left. And the right. No, no, no. The
left.

Right or left? The left.

Left. Right.

No, no, the other right.

No. No, not on that grass.

Please, I'm trying to... Now,

pull to the right of the cyclist.

right. There is no other right. Sorry,
darling.

Sorry. That's quite all right, dear.

Don't mention it.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Miss Landerpots, when I want you to
do an emergency stop, I will tell you.

Please do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, we might as well do some reversing.

Oh, good. This is where I came before,
you know, with that nice Mr. Nugget. Oh,

really?

Oh, yes.

Well, on second thought, we'll give
reversing a miss.

Oh, no.

I was looking forward to reversing. It's
my strong suit.

Oh, yes. Well, we'll just keep to
straightforward driving, I think. Yes.

Shall we try a little bit of overtaking
now?

Right. Shall I do it now?

Yes, now, as long as you're sure it's
safe. Oh, yes, it's safe for houses.

No! No!

I can't see the clock with this stupid
wheel in the way.

What is the time exactly?

Oh, crikey!

The dual control's gone. Who else? Is
that important?

Oh, no, no.

You're a happy person, aren't you?

Mr. Lee, don't you think I'm a midget
too near the vehicle in front?

Midget? Yes.

But don't worry about it.

Oh, God.

I like taking lessons with you, you
know.

You give me confidence.

You flaming half -wit. Coming back on a
bloody transporter. What are you trying

to do, ruin me? Eh? It wasn't my fault,
Sid. Oh, no.

Anyway, save a few bob on petrol, eh?

Don't get funny with me, son.

It's a bloody miracle the press didn't
get hold of this, you know.

I mean, Timmy, you've got to pull
yourself together, kid.

Knoggly could be really big business,
you know.

I've already knocked off a couple of
Truscott's customers today.

Oh, yes.

Go on. Well, look, there you go, Sid.
Maybe we should think about joining up

with them.

That is not a bad idea.

You ought to stay with that trusk of
birds. Oh, no, lads. It is nice to see

again. You're everything going all
right, is it? Well, it could be if it

for the curse of the Lees here.

I've brought you something, Mum.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

Well, it's a bit of washing, Mum.

Oh, ain't you got a laundry net near
you?

Yeah. But it won't take years unless he
washes it first.

You might.

Hello, Freddie.

Dad's still at work, is he, then, Mum?
No, love. He's upstairs.

He's had one of his turns.

Yeah, like when he turns over and says,
Bargaret, I'm not going to work today.

Sage.

Time for a nice cup of tea, have you,
love? No, not for me, Mum. I've got to

round to Trusker's place for a drink and
pick up Mary.

Oh, I say, how absolutely perfect.

Don't knock it, Sid.

It's going to give me a chance to charm
Miss Truscott at home.

Oh, Mum, you see that?

You all right?

Enjoying it? Fine.

You are Mumsy.

Daddy. Thank you, dear. And voila, Miss
Truscott. Sorry.

Quite a lively little wine.

Good body. Excellent finish.

You must envy it, Henry.

That's frightfully funny, Mrs. Truskin.

Who's that?

Oh, that'll be Timmy. I'll go and let
him in.

Timmy? One of those knobbly types that
took over from Dumfrey, Mrs. Truskin.

Awful outsider.

Dreadful person.

Hello. Hello.

See what I mean, Mrs Truscott?

What do you feel like, Timothy?

Shall we try the 69 together?

Hello. Oh, hello.

Here.

Favourites that don't swallow it
immediately.

Cheers. Cheers.

Well,

well.

Hello, Leek.

I must say, I never thought I'd ever see
you here.

Oh, don't be so beastly, Tony.

What's the matter?

Lost your tongue?

Sorry?

Come on, now, where are your manners?

Not my fault. Not my fault at all.

You filthy... This is my best group of
these stupid... Bender control, bender

control. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Steady the buffs.

Thank you, sir.

It's a touch of the old malaria.

Yes, I'm frightened. Sorry about that.
Sorry. All over my suit.

Goodness. I'm sorry, Mary.

I wish I could get you on a rugger
field.

It wasn't my fault.

Timmy.

Yes?

Your flight, Rondon.

Hey, listen, Mary. Why don't we go away
and have a nice quiet trip?

Oh.

Terribly.

Sorry. Lovely party, thank you very
much.

The fruit was delicious.

Yes, well, I understand the poor boy has
a history of tuberculosis.

Cheer up. There wasn't much broken.

Is there something else bothering you?

Do you really fancy that bender guy?

Well, you know how it is.

Sort of get into things.

Yeah. I think Daddy's pretty keen.

Well, why doesn't your daddy marry him,
then?

Dear me.

You still haven't answered my question.

Take the next turning on the left.

It's rather nice down there.

Right.

Oh, Mary, you must realise the way I
feel about you.

Oh, gosh, yes, well, I'm beginning to
get the idea. Golly, I hope you're all

this fast on the rugby pitch.

What position do you play?

Oh, uh, position.

Um, inside right. No, that's not a rugby
position.

Oh, well, what about right inside, then?

Oh, gosh,

it's a nice pair.

What? Trousers.

Oh, yes.

Timothy. Oh, they're my best pair.

Don't.

Don't. Don't what? Don't. Oh,

Timothy. Oh, Timothy.

Gosh,

how rude.

Sorry.

Morning,

Mr. Truscott. Morning, sonny boy.

Come here.

Have you seen the morning paper?

No, sir.

That'll put the kibosh on those noggly
bounders once and for all.

Oh, Mr. Truscott, I do like to see you
laughing.

Come in, not me driving school. Your
time is up.

God almighty, what are you trying to do?
Make a laughing stock out of us, are

you? It wasn't my fault, Sid. It wasn't
your fault? No, Sid, no.

Yesterday was one of my bad days. Oh,
hey.

It was a handbrake. Yeah, what's the
matter with it?

Oh, nothing much. Oh.

But it does need a coat of paint, Sid.
That's bleeding marvellous, isn't it,

Bleeding marvellous for a driving
instructor. I mean, who's going to

after all this publicity, eh?

I've got half a mind.

Hello, Notley Driving School.

You saw the piece about us in the paper,
did you? And you want to book a couple

of lessons?

Why, certainly, madam.

Just one moment, please, Adam.

Oh, good.

That's better. You'll pop around.

Thank you. Thank you very much, madam.
Look forward to seeing you.

Bloody hell.

Now, where was I?

You were telling me you had half a mind,
Sid.

Just you watch it, you.

Right.

Let's just get on with it.

I thought you were supposed to be
getting close to that bird.

Hello?

Yes, madam, you saw our... Our what?

Our article in the paper.

And you'd like to book a course of
lessons?

Why, certainly, madam.

Sid, Sid, just a moment.

Sorry to interrupt.

Do you still want me? No, no, no.
Listen, let this be a lesson to you,

Never,

never, ever underestimate the importance
of publicity.

One moment, please, madam. Hey, Mrs.
Denton, get around there.

She's one of the oldest clients on the
books.

Okay. Okay.

Now, madam, in what way can I service
you?

Ah!

Morning. Mrs. Dent, that's right.

Where's Mr. Dumfrey?

Oh, well, he's not at the school
anymore.

You used to have him, did you?

More often than not.

Would you like me to drive?

Yes.

I hear you're quite an old hand.

I mean, yes.

Listen, we'll drive up to the golf
course and practice some three -point

I'll get a feel of you on the way.

Right.

Right.

I didn't play that shot very well, did
I?

Pound a hole, then, Bandolf.

Pound a hole? No, I don't get paid that
much. I mean, I don't play golf that

much.

Yes, well, good idea. Why not?

I do like your trousers, sir.

Very nice.

That's one.

Pound a hole, yes. Sorry, good idea,
sir.

Well,

that was terrific.

Why are you still taking lessons?

You could pass the test with your eyes
closed.

There's more to driving lessons than
driving lessons.

Oh, yeah.

What?

Let's take a walk.

You can ask me a few questions about the
highway code.

Oh.

Right, yes.

Um... Where are you not allowed to use
your horn after 11 .30?

Can you imagine what it's like being a
golf widow?

Well... Every Sunday morning, I wake up
to the rattle of my husband's balls

going out the front door.

All day long, flogging his little wedge
in the bottom of that bunker.

Well, at least you're not playing
around, eh?

Well...

Will you get lonely?

No, I've got Sid and Rosie.

Then one gets lonely.

Oh. A woman has needs, you know.

Oh, yes, I suppose she does, really,
doesn't she? Come on.

Uh, listen.

Supposing somebody comes.

Oh, dear.

We're not going to need this, are we,
really?

Oh, no. No?

Wait a minute. Your husband doesn't play
here during the week, does he, at all?

Oh, no.

I play during the week.

Mrs. Ted.

Mrs. Ted. Stop it, Mrs. Ted.

Mrs. Ted.

What the devil?

Good God, it's him again.

Hello.

He's assaulting her, the dirty
scoundrel.

Oh, don't be silly, yeah?

Look, she fell in and hit her head.

He's a sex maniac, Mr. Truscott. He's a
sex maniac.

Seize him. Seize him. Seize him. Seize
him. You've gone too far this time. It

tickles. I've told you before, don't do
that.

Come here.

I'll get you for this. That is my new
slashing of golfing cardigan.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Mr.

Truscott. Mr.

Truscott. Mr. Truscott.

Mr.

Truscott. My God, I think I've killed
him.

I'm terribly strong, you know.

Mr. Truscott, please, wake up. Mr.
Truscott.

I'd better give him the kiss of life.

You dirty queeries. No wonder they call
you Benner. I didn't mean to hurt you.

You dirty beast. Mr. Truscott, let me
explain. It's the first time I've ever

seen a rugby -playing doctor. You've got
completely the wrong idea. Get out of

my sight.

That's your career at the Spout, mate.

Mrs Dent. Oh.

Mrs Dent.

You all right?

Well, yes, I... I think so.

What happened?

Well, you got hit on the back of the
head by a golf ball.

And those two idiots thought I was
trying to rape you.

Well, it's their word against mine,
isn't it?

Well... I mean, I'm the only one who can
say if you were attacking me or not,

aren't I? Oh, yes, I suppose you are.

Your future is in my hands.

Now, let's get something straight
between us.

I think we already have. It was a little
pain.

Oh. And I want you to kiss it better.

But I thought you said you... That's not
where it hurts.

Oh.

See you later.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh.

Lie still.

I found it, Mildred.

You know, I sometimes wonder what fate's
got against me.

You don't have any problems, do you?

Doesn't matter how hard I try, I just
don't seem to be able to do anything

at the moment.

When you think about it, there's not a
lot of people I can turn to.

You're about the only real mate I've
got.

Far from Sid, of course.

I know what you mean.

Oh, give me that.

Come on, love.

It's easy to see you've never had a
baby. You'd take a retire if I did.

Well, you're going to get married one
day, you know, love. Do you reckon?

Of course.

You want to stop being so shy and go out
with more girls.

Oh, thanks, Mum. Come on, Daddy.

Have you been a good boy?

I've got some nice chewed apples for
him.

Take my advice, Tim. I'll never, never
teach you what to drive.

Still, I can't crumble, I suppose.

Only got another couple of Truscott's
customers today, eh?

At this rate, I'll tell you what, we
needn't bother about joining up with

There'll be nothing left to join up
with, eh?

Morning.

Hello. Morning.

Hey.

Not another of your filthy jokes.

Did you hear about the fellow that
wasn't up to it? No, I didn't. Had to

soapbox to stand on. Oh, really?

Sorry, Mary.

I only mention it because it's very
clear your governor's got a little

What do you mean?

This

isn't

for you, is it, sir?

What isn't for me?

This package from Denmark.

Aye, plain brown package.

No, it's a sexual rejuvenation clinic.

Enough pills. I mean package.

I'll attend to them. It later.

This moment in time, we have more
important things to think about. Have

these latest trade figures?

No, I don't look at them that often,
sir.

We're losing money hand over fist.

There's only one place you can be going
to.

Nogley, sir?

Of course.

It's ridiculous.

We've taken some of our best customers
lately.

I don't like to suggest this, but I
think there's only one thing for it.

What's that, sir?

Murder.

It's a bit strong, isn't it?

I mean, couldn't we just maim them?

I said murder, you fool, not murder.

I thought you said murder.

Join up with them.

With that, sir?

It's so degrading. We're the best.

Calm yourself, Bender.

Necessity is the mother of experience.

Mother of what, sir?

I was thinking more of a takeover than a
merger.

We'll take control, put them under
contract and fire them in a couple of

Brilliant, sir. Brilliant.

Who's going to broach the merger?

As always, I have a plan, Bandler. I
didn't doubt it for one moment, sir.

observed that the younger, noggly
creature has developed a kind of

for Mary.

Mary?

Couldn't we keep her out of this?

When we lost Lady Snodley, the jewel of
the Truscott crown,

the time came for desperate measures.

Yes, but Mary... Rose is too for little
bars, isn't she?

Ed used to have one, something like
this, for driving the servants down to

station. Oh, don't forget to use your
gears when you want to slow down, Mrs...

Oh, sorry, your ladyship, Snodley.

Cynthia, call me Cynthia. After all,
we're living in the 20th century, aren't

we?

Oh, monster!

Truster and Belter don't bother you, do
they? Oh, no, they're fine.

Nice Belter.

Oh, on the left, this is your ladyship.
I mean, Cynthia, sorry.

The dogs are Edgar's, actually. He's
master of the hunt, don't you know? He's

frightfully fond of hunting and shooting
and getting paralytically drunk.

Stone monster!

I say, have you ever done any modelling?

Well, I made a glider once, but the wing
fell off.

I mean, artist's modelling, you silly
boy.

You have an interesting face.

Of course.

But sensitive.

Here we are, home again.

Why don't you come in and pose for me
now?

We could have a nibble afterwards.

Oh, yes. All right, then. Super.

Nice place you've got here.

It's just a minor matter.

Come along, monster. Time to pop you
inside.

Come along, boys.

Oh.

Yeah, my dad would like this place. Yes,
it's Edgar's den, really.

It's rightfully handy for the kennels
next door.

Your husband's not going to mind me
posing for you, is he? He won't even

about it. There's a meeting of the hunt
committed tonight, half past six till

insensible. Oh, now then.

What are we going to do with you?

I don't know. I think there's probably
something I can do with you.

You'll just hold the pole?

Oh.

I can only find one of them.

I didn't mean that.

Oh, I think we need a bottle of
champagne to relax us.

Can you open that while I go and fetch
the dogs?

Yes? They won't get in the way, will
they?

No, no, not at all. You're like a ship.

Now, off with those clothes.

Oh, are you sure you really want to?

Now, come along. Don't be shy. Remember,
this is art.

What are we... What?

What are we going to do? This is going
to be us, Timothy.

I'm very fond of large objects. I can't
afford many models, and you're going to

have to fill a great many fards.

With a little help from me, of course.

Of course.

Do a lot of artists work like this? I
don't think so, no.

I rather fancy I'm unique.

Could you come on top of me?

Pardon? No, no.

Well, I think it would be better if I
lay on top of you.

What?

Yes.

Now, stretch out your arms.

Oh. If you don't mind me asking, what
exactly... Nice doggy. What exactly are

painting? The rape of the Sabine women.

Oh, I see. And how many books did they
exactly rape?

Oh.

It's sex, isn't it?

Well, I think it is. It's just getting
in the way, isn't it?

Well, uh... Ooh.

You could put it like that.

Ooh. Well, you could put it like that.
Better get it out of the way then,

we? Yes.

Stop it rearing its ugly head.

Ooh. Then we can concentrate on art.

Art? Art who?

It's funny, but I seem to have trouble
with a lot of...

You are a funny boy.

Yes. You must be freezing to death.

Yes. I mean, did you walk home like
that? Well, where's your car?

Being serviced.

I think I've got something on.

Here.

Careful with those.

My Ronald made himself a nasty injury.

Roll stairs, you might have those.

He cut himself off in his prime.

I think you'd better go and have a bath,
don't you?

Warm you up a bit.

I'll put lots of bubbles in it. Nice hot
water all cutting down.

What's the matter?

I can't feel anything.

Let me try.

You need some of

this. I read about it in a book.

Not tough, thanks.

No!

You don't drink it.

No?

Oh, I've heard of the frozen North Pole,
but it's bloody ridiculous.

I think that's enough.

There's only one way to tell for
certain.

Wait, Mum.

Oh. Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.

All right, sir.

What? Get any sleep last night, did you?

Oh, no, no. Yeah.

Oh,

God. Oh, man, sir.

Hey, listen, I've got a nice chest you
can give Mum and Dad.

Yeah, I've seen you use it.

I thought we'd take them out for the
afternoon on the 14th.

What for?

Well, it is their anniversary, you know.

Oh, blimey, I completely forgot about
that.

Where are we going to take them, then?
Well, I thought we'd take them to the

Trattoria Crossi for lunch.

What about after that, then?

Dad'd certainly get pissed.

Oh, bloody hell, yeah.

Here I know, we'll take them to the
rugby tournament.

There'll certainly be a bar there.

Hey, that's a good idea, the old man. I
love that.

Here, they're still if you want. Your
friend, Mary, dropped the pin.

She only deals wholesale.

Oh,

call the band.

I'm pregnant again.

Here. She wants to see me at her place
this evening alone.

Oh, God almighty.

It's that posh voice that does it for
you, isn't it?

A touch of the Barbara Cartlands and
you're bloody anybody's.

Oh, shut up. So what do you know about
romance?

Nothing very much. I'm married.

I wonder what she won't say.

Hope you don't mind watching the last
few minutes of rugby special, but it's

exciting.

Gosh,

that's a big one.

Picard at the three points behind.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh.

Oh. Is it?

Is it?

Come on, chat.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh It was Daddy's idea,
really.

He's rather keen on us getting together.

Your dad?

Oh, yes.

He thinks it would be in the best
interests for both of us.

But, uh, what about Bender?

Oh, well, of course, he's not very
pleased, but then there's nothing he can

if the rest of us have made up our
minds.

I mean, there's no point in us going our
separate ways when we could be so much

more successful together.

That's right.

Oh, Mary.

I'm so happy.

It's Mummy and Daddy.

They mustn't find us like this.

My watch has got stuck.

Oh, gosh, how ghastly. They mustn't find
us like this.

something for you.

I have no desire to take your filthy
pill, Henry.

They're not filthy pills. They're
formulated by scientists. And what

Anyway, they come from Copenhagen.

I see nothing amiss with that. You eat
Danish bacon, don't you?

Danish bacon is rather different to a
sexual stimulant, at least I have always

found it so in the past. Perhaps because
we eat it at breakfast.

Many wives, you know, would be flattered
that their husbands would wish to

engage them in an experiment of this
nature.

Henry, I've got one of my headaches
coming on. And if you must drink too

please don't take it out on me.

You never give me a chance to take it
out. That's the problem.

Go on, speak a bit vulgar.

Oh, I was just thinking of us, dear. Oh,
very well, Henry. If you're going to

make my life a perfect misery, I'll have
your silly pill.

Probably only aspirin, anyway.

One for me.

Help me.

Good afternoon.

Oh, where the bloody hell have you been?
We'll be late for Mom and Dad at the

restaurant, you know.

Sorry, Sid. Had a bit of a hectic
evening and I... Yeah, and overslept.

Brace yourself, Sid.

I think I'm unofficially engaged.

Oh, my God. I haven't got time to get
you saved by now. Come on, let's go.

Hey, yeah.

Funny woman, that lady, Snodley.

She only wants to paint me, you know.

Well, you have got lovely bones, Sid.

That's funny. That's what she said, you
know. Really? Yeah.

Oh, come on, let's go.

Oh, take a rat.

You should talk with that bloody thing
on.

Oh, look.

Candles. Yeah.

It's been a bad way out of the corner
for bleeding electricity.

Oh, sit down in the castle.

Hey, listen, you're evil. Your fable is
awake.

Ah, greasy -ass Luigi.

Oh, it's the boy, isn't it? Yeah, but
he's ever so nice to you, Mum. Yeah?

What's the noise like, mate? All right?
All right, we'll get him up.

Where are you going? I'll sit next to
you. Sit there, Sam. I'll sit there.

sit next to you. Yeah, Dad, sit down,
then. Yeah.

You'll sit down on here, shall I? Yeah.

Thank you. Sit down.

You're tough.

Sit down.

Sit down.

I think continental men are ever so
charming.

Oh, yeah.

Well, at least we'll stir in your tea.

Oh, there's breadsticks, Dad.

You like a pair of teeth, Signora?

Oh, she doesn't want a pair of teeth.
She's got her own.

Dad, and a pair of teeth is a drink,
isn't it?

That's something you have before your
oars is duvet.

Yes. Yeah, well, I'll try anything once.
Bring me a pint of it. No, we'll have a

carafo vino, eh?

You know, I don't understand any of
this.

Oh, look.

There's only one English thing on it,
that spaghetti.

I'll have that. Do you want something to
eat, senor? Chips.

Have you got any chicken at all?

Oh, si, senor. Petto di pollo.

It's delicious.

All right, I'll have some of that, then,
please. Oh, me too.

Oh, excuse me one moment, senor. Sure,
sure.

Jason, where is he now? Oh, he's lovely,
ma 'am.

Avril was kind enough to babysit for us,
wasn't she?

But I'm a bit worried.

Excuse me, senor. Ah, now take a direct
answer.

What's this?

Pasta? It's probably fish pasta.

No, no, that's something expensive. He's
paid.

We'll have three spaghetti bolognese and
two petty dipolas, Louise. Si, senor.

Hey, don't forget my chips, Beppo.

Si, senor. Walter, you do our pawn.

We've done nothing but complain since we
came through the door. He's paying for

the meal, you know.

Well, I don't understand why we can't go
to a nice English place.

There's still a few of us left in
Britain, you know. Well, I am going to

to Sid and Timmy and the driving school.

And to Mum and Dad, because it's their
happy wedding anniversary.

Oh, yeah, right.

Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad.

We'll have two minutes silent.

Oh, bloody. You know what I mean?

Sid, what do you know about wine?

Where to put it, love?

Señora, put some of these vegetables on
your side of the plate. Oh.

Oh,

Gigi Rosalie, can you play in the
monastery garden? Oh, si, señore.

Piss off and play there.

Watch it, border. I'll be ramming it
right up your bleeding ootah.

Señora, you would like a little bit
under the side? Oh, yes, please.

How dare you make filthy suggestions to
my wife?

That's enough.

you can stick your fiddle up your grassy
arse.

Timothy!

Timothy! Oh, look, it's Mary. I'll see
you later.

Dad, look careful, Dad.

Gosh, I am glad you could come. I've got
you a game.

What? Yes, one of the finalists are a
man short. You'll be playing against

Tony's team, isn't it? Super.

Oh, but I've just eaten.

Oh, don't worry. It's only seven a side.
Ten minutes each way.

Scared?

There's not much time. Hey, listen, are
my team any good or what?

Oh, don't worry about what they look
like.

Fine bunch of chaps, really.

Good luck, Timothy.

Yes. Thanks, Mary.

That's my boy.

Go on, son, keep it accomplished.

Oh, God.

You really must try and curb that
pathetic streak of exhibitionism, Tim.

shut up. Look, look after that lot, will
you? And keep your thieving hands out

of that wallet, right?

Hello, love. Good luck, love.

Yeah, well,

you're doing yourself a favour.

Enjoy yourself,

Leek.

He used his hands.

That will improve performance.

Sure. Bloody hell. Simi could do with a
couple of these, eh?

You got one in the croonies? Yes, sir.
Hey, you sucker players, all the same.

He tapped it again, ref, I'm sure.

Shut your English sucker, Keiko.

Go on, sit.

Don't worry. Don't worry. You'll feel
much better after having some of your

pills. What pet pills?

The Danish gear. A box of them in the
orange juice. Oh, thank you, Leek.

Now, my need is greater than yours. Hey,
wait a minute.

You.

Thank you, old boy.

You greedy kid. That was for him. Oh,
no, sit.

Hello, Timothy.

Well played.

Right, second half, you puffed holes.

Party for God's sake.

Mary, I want you. Oh, no. Oh, jam.

Oh, no. I know.

That's my car.

That's my daughter.

We'll check the Bentley.

Right.

Open this door.

Open the door.

Oh, it's stuck, sir. You'll have to get
in the back.

Be careful of my Bentley.

Leave it to Nogby, sir.

After them.

Mary, I feel so, how can I put it,
sexually aroused. Be careful.

After them, after them.

Tony, why don't we just wait for Daddy
to catch up?

Watch out for those men.

Watch out for those men.

I've talked about my pet rat.

I'd like to report an accident.

50 bloody quid.

That's not a lot to end up with, is it?
Hey, and all thanks to Laughing Boy

here. Yes, I think it's jolly bad luck.
Do you? That's not quite what Daddy

said.

What are you going to do now? I don't
know, do I? I

mean...

Mayor.

How do you fancy a trip to the seaside,
Timo?

Eh?

Timo?

Timo!

Sid! Sid, hi!

Up here, yes!

Look out!

Sid! My name's Emily, and you

can't see me, cause you don't know where
to look.

But oh look, when I turn my light on,

I'm gonna turn you right on. My name's
Emily, and you can't catch me, cause you

don't know where I am.

But, oh, man, when I turn my light on.

I'm going. Turn you right on, right on.

Well, I know where I'm going. Don't take
much knowing. On a straight line to the

sun. To the sun. Maybe a flyer of the
same I'm a try.

Gonna get there someday.

Watch me, everyone.

Oh, my name's Timmy Lee, and you can't
have me, cause you don't know where to

start. So I'll start and turn your light
on, then turn you right on. Oh,

my name's Timmy Lee, and you can't fool
me, cause I ain't that kind of guy.

But oh my, if you turn my light on, you
might turn me right on, right on.

Well, I know where I'm going, don't take
my snowing on a straight line through

the sun.

I may be a flyer all the same. I'm a
try.

Gonna get there someday.

Watch me as I walk.