Original subtitles

H--

No, I haven't told anyone

about Steve and the kids yet.

Stop ringing and asking.

Can you get off my case?

We've been through all this, Siobhan.

Because too much time has elapsed.

I'd look mental now.

Yeah, yeah. Well, Pig Man isn't gonna tell anyone.

Stop shouting, Siobhan.

Can you stop shouting?

Can you stop shouting?

If you don't stop shouting, I'm hanging up.

Lin's got no idea what's in store for her.

Fiver she says her feet hurt.

And she keeps asking to use the toilet.

And the waters too cold.

Won't like the attention, neither.

The locals are doing a really good job on Fayther's memorial.

Thanks to Lin.

They've finally got their confidence back

after the straw men harvest festival incident.

Can't blame us for that, Joy.

It were an abomination.

You said it looked like Michael Fabricant

fell out of an aeroplane in to a haybale.

And you set fire to it.

Fayther's memorial. Just what the world needs.

Another monument to a problematic man.

She'll be making a Fred West water fountain next.

You should tell Linda the truth about fayther.

Let her know that a memorial to him is difficult.

Nowt to explain. He were a bastard.

Oh, we're allowed to swear tonight, are we?

- Thank fuck for that. - Festival eve Town mouse.

- Say what we want. - Nice dress.

- What, this old thing? - Yeah.

Fiver in the charity shop! Not my sort of thing at all.

I was just gonna try it on to see what it looked like.

Then Tony said I was too old for it,

which really annoyed me, so I bought it.

I thought, "Well, Tony, you are too old for women's jeggings!"

My God. Men telling women what to wear.

It is so annoying.

My ex would only have sex with me if I was in waders.

My ex wouldn't have his picture taken next to me

if I was in heels, ever.

Not even on our wedding day.

Yeah, so we were sat down in all of them.

My Dad said that we looked disabled.

[ Gasps ] Hmm.

You look like a high end Russian prostitute.

Oh, thanks Carm!

So you got it for Tony then?

What? No, 'course not. No.

I'm just saying that what he said annoyed me.

Who'd you get it for then? Must be a man involved.

-Uh-huh. - No!

- Pig Man? - Jealous, Carm?

Oh, my God. Why does everyone think I'm bonking Pig Man?

It's so childish!

First my sister, and now you lot!

Ah, yeah. Everyone loved meeting your charming, polite sister.

Especially the Verderer,

who she called "some fucking tree cheese gnome."

Whole town knows you've bin hanging round

- down Pig Man's cave. - Yes.

For his friendship. And his frothy milk.

Well, as long as you're happy being third, Linda.

After his porkers. And Carm.

Pig Man and Carmel?

Nice!

But not consummated.

Unless you count him giving her

his first prized veggies every year.

That's enough, Agnes.

Pig Man's sweet potatoes, and what he does with 'em, is up to him.

So it was for Tony, then?

Oh, my God.

I didn't buy it for a man! Okay?

- I got it for myself! -Alright.

Also, if I was a lesbian, which I'm not,

you wouldn't keep asking me what woman I bought it for,

- would you? - Yeah, I would.

- No, you wouldn't! - Would do.

- No, you absolutely wouldn't! - Yeah.

-No, you wouldn't! - Would.

- You wouldn't. -Would.

- You wouldn't! -Would!

- No. -We would!

I don't know how you stand it.

I r-- I really, really don't.

Everyone knowing your business all the time.

Hold the front page!

W-Woman who normally wears jeans and a t-shirt wears a dress!

Crisp packet blows out of a bin and lands on dogs back!

- Which dog? - What flavour crisps?

Did it stay on the dog's back or immediately blow off again?

Forget about the dog! It didn't happen!

I made it up!

We didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious, Town Mouse.

Mnh-mnh. You look great. Own it.

Thanks.

I'll-- I'll take that.

I think you're all really beautiful, by the way.

Not just tonight because you've dressed up.

We know we're beautiful, Town Mouse.

Inside and out.

Don't need no one telling us that.

- Oh. - What?

Nothing.

Weird.

Ah, yeah. Thanks for inviting me, by the way.

To your special night.

I don't normally enjoy parties.

Help me with this, Linda.

Oh, God.

I'm rubbish at fiddly things like this.

- And I hate pins. -It doesn't have to be perfect, Linda.

It's the love what goes into something what makes it special.

-Oh. -That's where the magic comes from.

Everything at the Eel festival

has been made with love by someone.

Oh. Mutton dressed as lamb.

- What, me? -No, what people called older women what dress young.

-Mm. - Haven't heard that in years.

Just pick something.

First thing that catches your eye.

Right, well I used to pick this with my mum.

-Perfect. - Yeah? Okay.

I heard it shouted at my mum once.

- On her birthday. -No.

My Mum only ever wore make up on special occasions.

Little bit of lippy, bit of blusher.

I used to love watching her putting it on.

Mm.

I will never forget the look on her face for as long as I live.

- - Just four words.

She was utterly crushed.

Of course she had to front it out because I was there.

Just a bit of banter, eh?

Just a bit of banter.

They will never know the trail of devastation that they left.

Just a few seconds out of their lives.

She never got dressed up on her birthday again.

Mutton dressed as lamb.

Another derogatory term just for women.

Like gold digger.

Prick tease. Slut.

Ball breaker. Battle axe. Harpie.

Is there an equivalent term

for an older man who dresses young?

- A cunt? - Oh, er...

- Linda and Joy: -That's the one?

Now get a pin and just pin it on wherever you like.

- Not there! - Oh, my God.

It's not funny.

Oh, you're a natural, Town Mouse.

- Just go with your instinct. -You don't want too much

of the same thing in the one place, though.

- Or the same colour. - Or size.

Oh, right. So it's not easy then?

And I do have to think about it?

Oh, I saw a really good film at The Palace earlier.

-Which one? - Okay don't-- don't rush me.

FBI thing.

The bloke with the smirk-y face is in it.

You know , big eyebrow.

He was in that shit baby film as well,

and-- and the-- and the musical

with the Australian woman.

Big quiff. H-Him not her.

- Mark Kermode? - Who's that?

Uncle Isaiah had a commode.

Was he in the OJ Simpson film?

- I haven't seen it. - Made of oak. He died on it.

He was also in that film with that woman

who was in that other film by the same director,

and in the other film she wore a yellow jumpsuit.

- Annika Rice? - His bum slipped right down,

and they couldn't get him out.

Imagine that? Tryna hoik a dead man out of a toilet.

Apparently, he still managed to look dignified.

- What was it? - John Travolta?

John Travolta!

- Film's called "Face/Off". - Well done, Carm.

I couldn't remember what a toe was called the other day.

I called it a foot finger.

You know the word for "Plunger" escaped me.

I told my plumber that I used a shit sucker.

Shit sucker.

Oh, that was a nice idea of yours, Linda.

Getting the men to bake the eel pie at the tree

for the Verderer.

Didn't seem fair him missing out.

You'd have been a good mum.

Never thought about it?

Well... It's just that I-I haven't...

W-Why do women always have to explain

why they haven't had kids?

We're just chattin', Lin, is all.

It's fine if you'd rather not talk about it.

One in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage.

Nothing to be ashamed of, Linda.

I got two buried out in the woods.

Planted trees on top of them.

So they live on.

I never got that far.

Endometriosis.

Joy's the only one who got one in the back of the net.

Oh. I-I'm-- I'm really sorry.

That's re-- That's really tough.

It's just that, you know, being a mother

or not being a mother is not how I define myself.

Never said it was.

W-Well-- Well then... Well then, you know,

I just didn't meet the right person then.

Well, there you are then.

The men got over the role reversal this year, then, Carm?

Thinking they're loving jumping over the fire.

Is that what they're doing?

Tradition goes the Lady of the Flowers,

which this year is the Men of the Flowers,

throws midsummer flowers and herbs on a fire,

- then jumps over it. - Oh.

Scares the dragons away.

Stops 'em from poisoning our springs and wells.

Well, good job then.

- Another dick pic, Lin? - Yeah.

- Won't be a sec. -Careful what you reply, Linda.

Once your vulva's up in the cloud,

God knows where it'll end up.

I'm a Catholic.

Even I haven't seen my vulva yet.

I'm not about to put it on a cloud!

Look, Siobhain. It is a boring lie.

It will be much more exciting if I'd killed someone

or if I was a paedophile, but I haven't, and I'm not.

Just got a husband and kids at home.

You-- You know, a-a bit of support

wouldn't go amiss, actually.

A bit of compassion.

Like I showed you when Father William told dad

that you confessed to him to liking it

when dogs sniffed your private parts.

And I'm sorry, I don't want to have to bring that up again,

but you've made me.

I-I'll tell them tonight.

Okay. Bye.

Would've been much easier if fayther had left a plan for the festival.

He didn't believe in writing nothing down.

A convenient belief system for Fayther--

- being illiterate an all. - Tradition went

he'd tell his so everything.

But he never had one.

Not a legitimate one, in any case.

Tried passing you off as one, didn't he, Carm?

Till you leaked on a pew.

Thanks for waiting for me.

About fayther's memorial.

It don't sit right with us. He was a bad un, Linda.

Oh, no. I-- I'm sorry.

- He wasn't a... - Jimmy Saville? No.

- Oh. - But he were a bastard.

Then left everything to Ryan, his illegitimate and only son,

when he turned 18.

But Ryan doesn't identify as male,

and fayther was never a fayther to them,

so they don't want anything to do with it.

My God.

Ryan'll be master of ceremonies tomorrow.

Eels don't have a gender neither, so all fits nice.

We meet Ryan for the first time tomorrow, as our sibling.

Nervous, ain't we, Carm?

We are.

Well, then...

We'll have a minutes silence,

and-- and I'll deal with the rest, okay?

D-Do people know? That fayther was a bad un?

No. The community loved him.

It would absolutely break them to find out.

Anyway, he's dead now, so it's time to move on.

- It's time for change. - Mm.

Who wears these?

The 10 best-behaved children.

Oh. What about all the kids that aren't chosen?

Never did the Verderer no harm. Not bein' chosen.

10 years on the trot.

Done right by them birds. Living up that tree.

- He's a proper local hero. - Cannot have been easy.

- Him scared of heights. - And the dark.

And shitting in bags.

He's waited a long time to be an eel child.

But he's earnt his place alongside them kids.

Pig Man can keep watch over the tree

while the Verderer's at the festival.

Oh, they might've rumbled us on them bones,

but they've still got a way to go

- before they can start felling. - Mm.

That won't stop 'em. If that tree's left unmanned...

Listen!

The other one will reply in a minute.

Yeah, we know, Linda. We live in a wood.

Oh, I love it so much.

I never knew it was two owls talking.

Linda and Carmel:

More action than I've seen in a while.

Oh, now we're talking.

When was the last time you had sex then, Linda?

Oh! Erm... I don't remember. What about you lot?

- Oh, lunchtime. - This morning.

Ménage à trois. With me, myself, and I.

14th of February.

Oh, blimey, that's precise.

- Must've been good! - Yes, it was.

Must've travelled for that then, Joy.

No. I didn't even need to leave work.

- Nooo! - What?

It can't be.

- No! - What? With who?

-I won't believe it. - Tell me!

No!

The Verderer?

So wrong, it's right, Joy?

His fans better not find out!

Joy's fans better not find out!

- What's that? - The men's night singing.

It's normally the womenfolk.

My God, it's lovely.

Come and try this on for me, Linda.

Oh. What, me? Are you-- Are you sure that's okay?

- I need to pin it. For height. - Was that fayther's?

-Yeah. - It's so beautiful.

Don't have to try his horrible cod piece on, as well, do I?

We got other plans for fayther's cod piece.

Look. Moon's out.

Amazing, innit?

Hold still, Linda. Just one more pin.

Do you ever think, "I wonder how many more full moons I'll see?"

Nope.

All done.

What?

Oh, yes!

Shall we dance?

Come on, Joy.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

-Come on, Joy! - ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

If this was a film, we'd be naked.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪ -

What are you doing?!

You're lucky I wasn't naked! Get out!

Best you come quiet, Linda.

I'm not coming anywhere!

You can't just come in here and rip the covers off me!

I've got tenant's rights!

Don't make me bash your head in and put you in a bucket.

-I'm not an eel! -Come on, Linda.

I need a wee! Get Off!

We should do this again some time.

But in wet mud. Let go, Linda.

-Not my armpits! -Let go!

Please!

- Oof! -Just drag the bitch.

Get off me! What are you doing.

Oh! This is ridiculous.

Ag's, get off my bum.

Stop! I've got a hernia!

There's no need for this!

-Let go, Linda. -

I'm too old for this shit.

Tell me where we're going!

I might just come!

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing ♪