Original subtitles

Oh!

Ah!

Ooh.

Oh. Oh, wow!

My last night on that shitty mattress.

Oh.

Why is everything orange?

Oh, shit, it's a fire.

It's a fire.

Fire!

This Saharan dust's a pain, innit?

Where-- Where did you...?

S-S-Saharan dust? What's that?

Dust. From the Sahara.

Gets blown over. Be gone soon.

Oh, right.

Oh, I-I'm glad you're here actually.

Erm, things haven't really worked out as I'd planned.

Er, and so, I'm thinking of moving on today.

I was wondering if I could maybe get my rent back?

- No you fucking can't! - Oh, Jesus!

I-It's only been a couple of days.

It's £400!

And it's already been allocated.

Ag's is saving up for a drone camera,

help her find her ley lines.

Moving on to where, any road?

- I... I don't... - The Sargasso Sea?

To meet your destiny?

Not all eels go the fastest way, you know.

Some take a more circuitous route.

But they all end up back where they began.

Just like us.

Best get them tables wiped!

Oh, by the way, third cousin Bernadette called.

She's on her way down to the town hall meeting,

and she says if she's not on the front row,

someone's gonna lose their dick.

Oh, come on.

Kids?

Kids?!

Bit tight, but might just be my best town hall meeting outfit ever.

- Morning. - Morning.

Singing with the Nightingales, what a load of bloody rubbish.

Ahhhh! Argh!

Oh, you dirty, lazy bastards!

Argh! Argh!

Argh!

Where is he?

Oh, now my shoe stinks!

Dirty bloody bastard!

You touch it, you buy it, young lady!

Ooh! Oh, hello again.

I'm sorry, I didn't know there was anyone in here.

Now we both know that's not true, don't we.

- Eh? - I don't blame you, Linda.

If I couldn't see this every day,

I'd want a sneaky peak too.

- Honestly, I really wasn't trying to see you without... - Well?

- Might be a bit snug round the arse. - Snug round the arse?

Yeah. Yeah. What's all this then?

Date? Interview? Court case?

Less of the cheek young lady.

- These are for the Town Meeting. -Ohh.

I gets new trousers every year for the Town Meeting.

It's a tradition!

Started years ago when they split during a meeting.

Now they have a sweepstake.

- Forget that old Eel Festival, Linda. -"The Second Sex".

Tony's Town Hall Trousers

are the highlight of the calendar year.

They even got their own Twitter account.

Tony's Trousers'll be trending tonight.

It's only a curtain, Tony. There's no need to shout.

So don't you tell no one what you've seen here.

Okay, I won't tell anyone about your trousers.

And I won't be going to the meeting anyway.

It's nothing to do with me.

Well, that's your loss.

Well, I've seen your trousers now anyway, so...

"Few tasks are more similar to the torture of Sisyphus

than those of the housewife."

Day after day, must wash dishes,

dust the furniture, mend, dirty dusty...

[ Distortedly ] Linda? Linda!

Pick them up for us, will you, love? Me back's gone.

That dress is far too young for you.

Bon chance!

[ Quietly ] Bloody cheek.

He's annoying, isn't he?

I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

You men-- Oh!

You menopausal women and your bloody fans.

Joy, how do you turn this bloody fan off?

Joy?!

Joy, can you help me turn this fan off, please?

-Alright. - Turn it off.

- Oh, Joy, can you turn it off? - It's alright, it's just...

Right. Yeah.

- It's this way. is it? - Yeah, just...

Okay, I think I can do it now, Joy. Thank you.

Thank you, Joy.

You're welcome.

- Morning, Joy! -Morning.

Going live in three... two...

Coming to you raw, unfiltered,

and white like milk, it's the Verderer.

Good morning! Good morning! Good morning!

Forget International Women's Day,

Pride Day, and Martin Luther King Day.

Because today is the day to beat all other days!

It's Town Hall Meeting Day!

I hope you've placed your bets on Tony's trousers.

My money's on a pair of jeggings!

And I'll tell you why.

Right, so I've been--

I found my tree yesterday.

- That was quick! -I know.

I thought it would take a few weeks at least.

Yeah.

So anyway, what I was looking for wasn't there.

-Oh, no. - So I guess it's time to move on.

- Oh. - Nothing keeping me here now.

Nothing here?! Everything is here.

Tony's Trousers sweepstake.

- The Eel Festival. - Mm.

Cat speed dating.

Tempting...

...but nah. I like to keep myself busy.

So I'm expecting a good turnout this year, fellas.

We need to nip this Eel Queen nonsense in the bud.

I mean, if they can pick a woman for this year's Eel festival,

God knows what they'll pick for next.

It'll be a Vegan Leprechaun, or a pansexual ostrich,

or a dyslexic dragon, won't it?!

Fayther Watkins would be turning his grave

if he could see his daughters

disrespecting centuries-old tradition--

and our men-- in such a vulgar manner.

I've never heard of the like.

How can it be that...

It can't be.

It's a nightingale!

A nightingale.

Well, I never...

♪ Are you here to give me a message ♪

♪ Little bird? ♪

♪ I can hear you, little bird ♪

Thank--

Dirty, lazy bastard.

Oh, sorry about that. A nightingale.

Erm, [Clears throat] anyway,

look I wanna talk about something

that's causing a lot of division in the town,

and no, I'm not talking about who gets to keep

Keith's Cat Cappuccino.

God rest Keith's soul. What a terrible tragedy.

But let that be a lesson to us all,

autoerotic asphyxiation is never a good idea,

especially if you live alone.

No cat should have to witness that.

Or have to eat the orange to stay alive.

No, today, I wanna talk

about the new redevelopment of the town.

Yeah, the investment and-- and prosperity

it'll bring to the area is undeniable.

But I will not sit by

and watch our wildlife and forest be destroyed.

Back after this.

So, are they building a road through the forest?

Uh-huh.

I assumed they'd be going around it.

Nope. Right through the middle.

Dick pic?

- Could say that, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Pig Man! Hello?

I've brought you a goodbye present.

You washed your hair, have you, Jan?

That looks clean enough for me to eat my dinner off of.

Well, I try not to wash it too often, Tony,

to let the natural oils come out.

You need all the lubrication you can get at your age.

Quiet, please.

Item one-- The Eel Festival.

Eh?

Tony's Trousers is always item one on the agenda.

- No, he's right. -It's-- It's not

just the Eel Sisters mixing things up this year, Tony.

And I won't be intimidated by third cousin Bernadette neither.

It's my meeting.

My rules.

Tony's Trousers Reveal will be at the end.

Shame.

Now, as you all know,

the Eel Sisters are planning some controversial changes

this year, since the passing of their fayther, Fayther Watkins.

No one gives a shit about the men in this town!

First they closed the mines, then Diggerland,

and now, they're taking our Eel King!

Fayther were a stickler for tradition.

He'd never allow a woman to take the role.

I'm sure once the paperwork's through on his succession plan,

we'll see that I was his intended.

Well, we all know how long probate can take.

Until then, we decide who it is.

Whether they be born within the said Hundred of Eel Lake

or whether they have done deeds worthy to the community...

It's about finding the right person.

Eels don't have a gender

until they go back to the Sargasso Sea and reproduce.

Exactly.

So there were no need for it to always be a man.

- Yeah. Could be a woman. - Or a man.

- Or neither. - Yeah.

Or both.

Yeah. Should be me.

Next item!

The Coal Face Morris Men Controversy.

Tony, you wanna kick us off here?

Yeah, well, me and the boys blacking up,

it's not about black people, is it?

It's about mining for coal.

Er, it's not actually about coal, Tony.

Er, the blacking up is a disguise.

- Eh? - You know, you used to black up

- as a disguise. -Eh?

Well, innit? Well, either or, it's about colour! You know?

I mean, these bloody snowflakes,

they'll be banning bloody night time next.

Oh, yeah.

-And liquorice... -Yeah.

And then, er...

...tyres!

- So they might ban tyres. -We mined ochre

and iron ore here before coal anyway, Tony.

Yeah. So you could paint your faces red or orange.

Why do things have to change?

We must hold on to our British traditions.

We have kept hold of our traditions.

The good ones.

But the festival has to change and evolve to survive.

The man with the longest willy used to put it

through people's letterboxes so children could feed "the eel".

- Better now we don't do that, innit? - Woman #2: Exactly.

It's a reflection of modern day Britain.

It is about holding on to the core values

of being British, being proud to be British.

I am proud to be British.

Just like I'm sure Cheddar Man was.

Oh, leave the Cheddar Man out of this, will you, Joy.

We don't mean you. You're integrated.

- You know, it's all the others. - Who's the Cheddar Man?

Isn't he in "Wallace and Gromit"?

There wasn't a man made of cheddar in "Wallace and Gromit".

- It was a sheep. - I don't remember a cheese sheep.

No, it was the moon, Judith!

The moon was made of wensleydale!

How dare you?!

Honestly, can't you women get some HRT or something?

No, we can't!

It's all run out!

There, there, there, cousin Bernadette.

The Cheddar Man was a fossilised man

that they found in a cave in Cheddar.

Reckon he was the first Briton.

They used DNA to reconstruct his face

and he had black skin and blue eyes.

Our festivals are for everyone.

They're a celebration of what it means to be alive.

To be human. And that's all of us.

So if we start excluding people, or making them feel bad,

then they're for none of us.

Please! Ple--

Please! Please!

Look, no one... no one will be heard if we're all shouting.

You've all got the printout of the Phase One plans

of the development.

Yes, Verderer?

What I'm saying is it won't just be the beavers' habitats

destroyed if these proposed redevelopments go ahead.

Fuck the beavers! I want Starbucks!

Woman #2: Or a Costas!

Or Neros!

You women and your bloody coffee!

How dare you?!

We understand your concerns, Verderer.

No, you don't!

It's all about the money with you people!

You think you can plant a few new trees and that'll be it!

Well...

Well, we... Argh. We did.

We did...

make best endeavours to find alternative routing

- and to minimise the impact-- - No, you didn't! It's a lie!

Destroy ancient woodland

and thou will be cursed!

You finished those floors yet, Alan?

Yeah, I'm just gonna finish up 'ere, Jan,

and I-I'll pop off 'ome.

The Eel Cafe's been in the same spot since 1850.

It's survived wars and plagues and Veganuary.

Its foundations are rooted as the trees which surround it.

It can't just be picked up and moved.

It won't survive.

Yeah, it's not just things above ground

that need to be preserved, it's what's underneath, too.

The mines have their own story to tell.

Yes. Yes.

Look, I've made a note of everyone's concerns,

and I will be feeding those back,

but we need to move on to the next item on the, erm...

Oh, you know, the-- the list?

No. Not list. There's a better word than list.

- Running order? -No.

- Itinerary? -Definitely not.

Oh...

The, well, you know, the-- the...

the-- the-- Well, you know what I meant, there's the...

- Agenda? - Agenda! Thank you, Joy. Agenda!

Next item.

Tony's Trousers Sweepstake.

Go on, Tony.

It's jeggings! It's jeggings!

Jeggings!

It's jeggings! I knew it was gonna be!

And that concludes this year's business.

Well, we haven't finished about the redevelopments yet.

They can't proceed without tree felling orders

- or eviction notices, so. - Is this an eviction notice?

I found it on Pig Man's door.

Pig Man says the forest paths are being closed off

- at Mallards Pike. - Mallards Pike?

What's going on, Janet?

I'm not aware of any of this.

Mallards Pike wasn't part of the proposed route.

Er, let me just, erm...

check this.

I don't-- I don't know anything about this.

The plans must have changed.

Why are they closing off Mallards Pike?

And what's the point of this meeting

if you're ploughing ahead anyway?

Oh, to get you all in one place, I-I think,

so that they can get on with it.

Seems to me like this meetings being called

under false pretences!

To keep us all away. Including you, Janet.

- I think I just said that? -She just said that.

She just said that.

No. I... I'm sorry. I didn't know.

There are ancient oaks in the path of that planned route, Janet.

- My starlings! It's their home! - I didn't know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's enough!

I'm so sorry.

Nice one, Linda.

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear ♪

♪ It's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear ♪

♪ It's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear ♪

♪ I wish I could wed you ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear ♪

♪ I wish I could bed you ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "Then you'd say I'd misled you" ♪

♪ If all you young men were hares on the mountain ♪

♪ How many young girls ♪

♪ Would take guns and go hunting? ♪

♪ If the young men could sing like blackbirds and thrushes ♪

♪ How many young girls would go beating the bushes? ♪