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MRS BROWN CACKLES
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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
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# She's Mrs Brown
# Agnes
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# That's Mrs Brown
# Agnes
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# Our Mrs Brown. #
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SHE GRUNTS
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SHE GROANS
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Hello, campers!
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As they used to say
in Hi-de-Hi!
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Hi-de-Hi!, you know,
it was a comedy
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00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,520
based in Maplins Holiday...
Oh, it doesn't matter.
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00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,000
We never had a real holiday
when I was a child.
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00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,600
AUDIENCE: Aww!
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We couldn't afford it.
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You see, my father invested
all his money in sick horses.
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He didn't know they were sick
at the time he backed them.
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No, no,
we had nothing, thanks to him.
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Even at Holy Communion time,
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all the girls got
little white dresses.
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Me? I got a veil, and he let me
look out the window.
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Mm...
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All I had was hand-me-downs.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
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I was the only girl in my ballet
class with football boots.
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Hello, Mrs Brown,
I'm just heading off.
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Oh, hello, Dr Flynn. I didn't know
he was down for a checkup.
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No, I was just dropping in
some pamphlets to Grandad
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that he asked me about,
about homes.
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Oh, funeral homes. It's getting
to that time, all right.
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Now, what we do is we let him
pick the best coffin he can,
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and we'll bury him
in a cardboard box.
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Not funeral homes, care homes.
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Care homes?
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Yeah. Some lovely ones.
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But I'm sure he'll choose
what's right for him.
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I'm sure he will. Right, I'm off.
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Yeah, see you, Dr Flynn.
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Are you all right, Grandad?
I'm fine.
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AUDIENCE: Aww!
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Are you here, Agnes?
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Do you want a cup of tea?
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Not if it's going to depress you.
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No, it's not...
Do you feckin' want one or not?
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Yeah. I had to get out of the house.
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My Enzo is fixing his motorbike -
in the kitchen.
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Why did you call him Enzo?
Was his father Italian?
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I don't know,
he paid me in sterling.
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I remember thinking,
"That's the end, so..."
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so I called him Enzo!
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Well, I won't ask you
about your youngest, Little Willy.
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I'd love to tell you
it's a lo-o-ong story.
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But it's not.
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How are yous?
How are you, Winnie?
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Cup of tea, Agnes, please.
Coming up.
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Winnie, did I see you
in the village this morning
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coming out of the joke shop?
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Yeah. I'm exhausted.
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I've been looking all morning
for a costume.
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A costume? For what?
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For Father Damien's
yearly thingy, you know,
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Stars Of Finglas.
So, what costume did you pick?
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I'm not saying!
It's a surprise.
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What is your talent? Impersonations.
Oh!
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You should try impersonating
a human.
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It's a surprise.
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I look forward to seeing it,
so.
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Birdie? Yeah?
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00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,760
Did Grandad mention anything to you
about care homes? No, why?
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Nothing, just thinking.
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My mother was in a care home,
Agnes, and she loved it there.
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I've never seen her so happy.
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Yeah, it was beautiful.
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Beautiful, yeah.
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Right, OK. I'll see yous.
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See you, Birdie. See you, Birdie.
See you, Grandad!
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Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson! Birdie.
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She's in the kitchen. As always.
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Morning, Agnes.
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Yeah, hello, Hilliary. Er...
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Do sit down.
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Morning, Hillary. Yes.
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I'm here on an important mission.
Do you want tea?
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Have you got anything herbal?
Me shampoo.
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No, thank you.
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00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,120
So, I'm putting together
a petition,
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and I'd like to get
your signature.
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What's it about?
Well, it's a demand...
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00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,560
...about the sewage plant.
What about it?
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It stinks.
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I'm shocked!
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A sewage plant that stinks?
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00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,560
But there's no reason for it.
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00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,480
There are ways to reduce the...
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..let's say emissions,
that are not being implemented
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at our local plant.
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I'll sign it, but I know the council
will say that, just like you,
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it's full of shit.
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Cathy, is there something
bothering your mother?
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Not that I know of, Father. She did
say she was worried about Grandad
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because he's not eating. She should
do what my mother used to do.
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She'd get a spoonful of food
and go,
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"The train is coming!
Chug-a-chugga, chug-a-chugga!
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"Choo-choo! Choo-choo!"
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00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,240
And you'd eat your food?
Oh, you'd have to, Cathy,
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otherwise she wouldn't
untie you from the tracks. Stop!
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00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,040
Aye, aye,
here's the shite detective.
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00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,200
Inspector Pooseau.
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00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,200
Well, ladies,
I've got vox populi.
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Oh good, well, keep using the cream
twice a day.
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It's Latin, dear,
"Voice of the people",
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the people have spoken.
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And what does vox popu-lilo say?
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My petition. 200 signatures
have forced the sewage plant
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to implement changes to remove
the foul odours it spews.
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That's nice.
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Veni, vidi, vici. What?
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I think Cathy got me
a bottle of that for Christmas.
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Latin again.
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It's a well-known phrase.
"I came, I saw, I conquered."
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I've used a phrase like that. Mm?
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00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,800
I came, give me a fag, now feck off.
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
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You know, I did Latin in school.
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I was in your class in school,
I don't remember that.
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Well, maybe it wasn't Latin.
125
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What language does the word
"redundant" come from?
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English. Ah, it was English, so.
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00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,960
It'll come in handy
if I visit London.
128
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,560
But you already... Birdie,
just leave it there.
129
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I feel sorry for schoolkids
nowadays,
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the amount of homework they get.
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Bono does be exhausted.
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Yeah, well, at least they don't
get the cane any more, Agnes.
133
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I was terrified
of our old teacher.
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With good reason.
If we made a mistake,
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we got 20 lashes
across our knuckles.
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In my school,
we got our arses caned.
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OK... Mm.
138
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Mind you,
I only ever got it the once.
139
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You must've been well behaved,
so.
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No, I just encouraged the teacher.
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To hit you? Mind games, Agnes.
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He whipped me and I went...
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SHE GASPS
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"Thank you, sir.
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"I'm such a bad girl,
aren't I, sir?"
146
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You mad bitch!
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Never caned me after that.
148
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Evening, ladies. Hello, Father.
149
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,520
There seems to be
a couple of empty slots
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00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,360
on the entrance form
for the Finglas Talent Show.
151
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,240
What are you raising money for
this year, Father?
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I'm changing the Holy Sacrament
wafers to low fat, vegan
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and gluten free.
154
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,720
We'll soon be getting "I Can't
Believe It's Not Jesus".
155
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Father, I will not be
in the talent show this year.
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What?! But it'll be crap
without you, Mrs Brown.
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I know. Ah, don't worry, Father,
I'll be there.
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Give me the form, love.
I'm begging you, Mrs Brown.
159
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,680
No, Father, I have too much
on me mind at the moment and...
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...Grandad's not himself.
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I was actually hoping
you'd be a judge this year.
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She's made her decision,
Father, so...
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...deal with it.
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Well, just hold on, Winnie,
let the Father speak.
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You wanted me on the panel?
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To replace me. Myself and Trevor
have been working on an act.
167
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,480
Now, now, Damien,
we don't want to give it away.
168
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,160
They'll never guess it!
Simon & Garfunkel.
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00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,120
I hate them. Me too, yeah.
170
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,040
Are you going
to Scarborough Fair?
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00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,640
No, I'm not, now fuck off
and take the guitar with you.
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00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,680
I told you
we should've done Oasis.
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Relax, Damien,
we'll think of something else.
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Will you be a judge, Mammy?
Who's the head judge?
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Mrs Nicholson. That's nice.
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I'll pass.
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00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,640
Are you not entering the show,
Birdie?
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00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,840
No, I don't really have
any talents.
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I've heard you sing.
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You sing like a bird, you do.
Oh...
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Fuckin' goose.
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Yeah, but I'd be too shy,
like, to sing in public, Agnes.
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00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,800
Ah, there must be something
you can do, Birdie?
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Ah feck it, I'm going
to put me name down.
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Sure, what's the worst
that can happen?
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That's the spirit, Birdie!
Go, girl.
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I'll just need to find a place
to hang me pole.
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
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00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,960
BOTH CHOKE
190
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,000
Breathe, Mrs McGoogan!
191
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,760
Thanks, Maria. Oh!
I'm all right now, love.
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Urgh!
193
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,520
Are you all right, Mammy? Urgh!
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00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,840
I went down the wrong pole.
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00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,320
Hole! Hole!
196
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,440
It went down the pole
and then... Oh, urgh!
197
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,960
Have you girls entered
the competition?
198
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,240
Oh, not yet. Father Damien
wants one of us to be host.
199
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,560
Oh, Maria,
you'd be great at that.
200
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,600
Thanks, Mrs Brown. Er, hello?!
201
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,600
Hiya, Cathy.
202
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,320
No, Maria, you really would
be great at that.
203
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,400
Hey, Ma!
204
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,040
AUDIENCE CHEERS
205
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,400
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, boys!
206
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,240
Oh, let me guess,
yous are promoting
207
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,600
Murphy's Circus,
coming to town next week.
208
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,640
Ha, we sure are!
How did you guess?
209
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,680
Call it women's intuition.
210
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,600
Well, what's your pitch?
211
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,520
HE CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY
212
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,800
HE CLEARS THROAT WEAKLY
213
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,080
Roll up, roll up,
come and see the circus!
214
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,640
See the fat man bouncing
on the skinny man's...
215
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,480
Willy, shut the tent,
there's a draught coming
216
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,800
from the elephant's...
Ho-o-old your tickets
217
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,320
for the next show!
218
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,080
Very good.
219
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,520
DOORBELL RINGS
220
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,520
I'll get it, Ma. Thanks, Dermot.
221
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,560
Well, Buster, I believe
you're doing stand-up comedy
222
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,480
at the talent show. Ha-ha, yeah!
223
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,480
Ah, oh, I'm so sorry, wrong house.
224
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,800
No, it's the right house,
Father.
225
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,280
My God, it's you, Birdie.
226
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,600
So, Buster, give me a sample
of your stand-up.
227
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,240
I don't just mean stand up,
I mean tell me a joke!
228
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,120
A man walks into a bar,
229
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,080
he says, "Ouch!"
230
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,880
It's an iron bar.
231
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,320
Buster, don't do that one.
232
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,040
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Ah, hello, Father Damien.
233
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,720
Birdie?! The breasts threw me.
234
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,600
I get that, Dermot,
I can see your titties.
235
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,000
Come on, Buster,
let's get back to work.
236
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,360
Dermo...
A man walks into a bar...
237
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,720
Heard it!
238
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,720
Would you like a cup of tea, Father?
No, thanks.
239
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,440
I'm just here
to make a final plea
240
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,320
for you to judge
the talent show.
241
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,960
Thank you very much, but, no,
I-I have too much on me mind.
242
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,440
OK.
Is it anything I can help with?
243
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,480
Very nice.
244
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,000
When are you going?
245
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,920
I'm not feckin' going!
Grandad wants to go.
246
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,040
Oh... But I don't know why.
247
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:12,880
Would you like me to talk
to him? He listens to me.
248
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,000
Really? Yes!
249
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,480
I'll be glad to.
250
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,600
Five, four, three... Hello, Grandad?
251
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,200
...two, one. I-I just want a word.
252
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,840
Feck off!
253
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,920
Right, Mrs Brown. That's me away.
Bye! See you, Father.
254
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,840
All right...
255
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,440
...what's all this about?
256
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,760
What's all what about?
This - care homes.
257
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,320
I'm leaving.
258
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,600
Are you, now? Yes.
259
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,360
OK. Don't try and stop me.
260
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,800
Stop you? I'll pack your buckin' bag
for you.
261
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,040
I can pack meself.
262
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,840
"I can pack meself."
263
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,800
I'm dying to see that.
264
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,960
You lazy bastard.
265
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,400
Talk to the hand
because the leg ain't listening.
266
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,400
The face!
The face ain't listening.
267
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,760
Sorry. I'm a bit deaf.
268
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,400
Yeah, when it buckin' suits you.
269
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,400
What's all this about, Agnes?
270
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,000
That was intense.
271
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,120
Grandad going on about care homes.
272
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,680
No!
273
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,960
You're too young
for a care home, Agnes.
274
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,240
I was caught
completely off-guard.
275
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,040
I wouldn't have known anything
about it,
276
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,880
only Dr Flynn blurted it out.
277
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,360
Strange behaviour. It was.
278
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,360
Is he even a doctor?
279
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,320
I'm talking about Grandad.
Grandad's not a doctor.
280
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,960
Winnie, shut up.
281
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,440
Maybe Grandad didn't mean it,
Ma.
282
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,560
Oh, he meant it all right, son.
He packed three pairs of underpants.
283
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,640
That's not confusion, son,
that's commitment.
284
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,360
Maybe he was just looking
for attention.
285
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,080
Maybe he was just looking
for a kick in the arse.
286
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,800
Well, that won't make him feel
any better.
287
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,480
It would make me feel better.
288
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,240
It's not like Grandad
to get emotional.
289
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,480
Well Cathy, he did,
I promise you.
290
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,080
Even Winnie felt it,
and she's dead inside.
291
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,520
Dead.
292
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,840
It doesn't make any sense,
though.
293
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,800
Why would Grandad want to go
to a care home?
294
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,640
They have pickleball. Cool!
295
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,280
Focus, Damien.
296
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,520
So, when is he talking
about leaving?
297
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,160
He didn't say.
298
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,320
He told me
he was going Friday evening.
299
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,360
He told you?!
300
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,080
He doesn't even buckin' like you.
301
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,760
Did he mention why?
302
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,640
Because you're a bossy bit...
Sh!
303
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,200
No, he didn't really.
304
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,240
Mammy, just let him go.
305
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,120
Do I look
like I'm stopping him?
306
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,520
Mammy!
307
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,120
It's sad.
308
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,880
It is sad.
309
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,560
AUDIENCE: Aww!
310
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,040
So sad.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
311
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,920
So very sad.
312
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,680
AUDIENCE: Aww!
313
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,480
So...so very, very sad.
314
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,680
AUDIENCE: Aww!
315
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,680
Right, who's up for a pint?
316
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,120
Yeah. Yep!
317
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,120
So that's the meeting done, then,
is it?
318
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,120
SHE SIGHS
319
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,920
DOOR CLOSES
320
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,680
Right, I-I'm off
to the talent show.
321
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,840
Will you be here
when I get back?
322
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,960
Probably not.
323
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,080
AUDIENCE: Aww!
324
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,600
Well, I'll...I'll say goodbye
now, then.
325
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,240
Goodbye.
326
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,800
AUDIENCE: Aww!
327
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,840
Thanks for...
328
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,320
AUDIENCE: Aww!
...you know...
329
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,480
...everything.
330
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,400
AUDIENCE: Aww!
331
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,520
You're welcome.
332
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,080
Good luck.
333
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,800
AUDIENCE: Aww!
334
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,600
Bye.
335
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,920
AUDIENCE: Aww!
336
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,400
SAD MUSIC PLAYS
337
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,720
When is this going to end?
338
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,400
Relax, Ma. It won't be long.
339
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,080
What's Winnie's surprise?
340
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,080
I don't know,
she wouldn't tell me.
341
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,080
Two men walk into a bar...
342
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,640
You're funny, man.
343
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,400
Ha-ha, Marco! Elvis.
344
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,360
Uh-huh!
345
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,760
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
346
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,800
Who are you doing, Mark?
347
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,840
Elvis! I'm doing Elvis, baby.
348
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,440
WINNIE LAUGHS
349
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,600
That's very good!
350
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,600
Are you doing Elvis as well?
351
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,480
No! What made you think that?
352
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,800
Everybody ready?
353
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,120
Maria,
I don't think I can do this.
354
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,240
Of course you can.
Don't be frightened.
355
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,120
Everybody out there wants
everyone to succeed. Aargh!
356
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,320
AUDIENCE CHEERS
357
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,080
You look great, John!
358
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,480
You look great too, Edward.
But not as good as me, though.
359
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,160
Yes, I do. No, you don't!
360
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,520
Yes, I do-oo!
You drive me mad, you do.
361
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,160
I do, what about you?
362
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,800
You're not even as handsome
as me.
363
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,720
Yes, I am. No, you're not!
364
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,400
Yeah, that works great.
365
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,320
Oh, we were rehearsing?
366
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,480
I thought you were serious.
367
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,400
AUDIENCE: Aww!
368
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,000
SPOONS RATTLE
369
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,560
Mother of God!
370
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,280
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
371
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,160
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
372
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,440
I'll get the drinks in.
373
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,200
Make mine a double, Dermot!
374
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,160
I don't know if I can put up with
much more of buckin' Evel Knievel.
375
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,240
SHE SOUNDS BUZZER
376
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,800
AUDIENCE: Aww!
377
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,680
OK, well,
we'll go to the judges.
378
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,560
What do you say, Mother?
379
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,080
Er...
380
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,400
You need three things
to be a star,
381
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,160
and you don't have any of them.
382
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,960
AUDIENCE: Aww!
383
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,840
Dr Flynn?
384
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,240
Well, I've always said there's
nothing like a good spoon player.
385
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,000
And that's you.
386
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,800
Nothing like a good spoon player.
387
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,320
Er, Sharon, what did you think?
388
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,800
Well, I wasn't expecting much
from my mother.
389
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,840
And yet somehow,
390
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,200
I feel short-changed.
391
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,400
Well, I can sing
something else.
392
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,800
ALL: No!
393
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,760
# Oh, my old man's a dustman
394
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,160
# He wears a dustman's hat
395
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,080
# He wears
cor-blimey trousers... #
396
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,640
Somebody take
that feckin' cutlery off her!
397
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,000
SHE SOUNDS BUZZER
398
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,520
Mrs McGoogan, you will not be
joining Mark in the final.
399
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,080
AUDIENCE: Aww!
400
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,560
(AS ELVIS) Thank you very much, man.
Yeah!
401
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,080
AUDIENCE: Aww!
402
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,560
They went all-out this year -
big stage, fancy lights.
403
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,760
Yeah, but not much room
for punters.
404
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,000
I mean, there's more people on the
panel than there is in the audience.
405
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,000
Hello, Agnes. Hi, Cathy.
406
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,840
You look great, Mrs Nicholson.
407
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,440
I know.
408
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,560
I was worried my posterior might
look large in this outfit.
409
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,160
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
410
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,120
Yeah, cop on, Hidly.
411
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,680
Oh, thank you. Ha!
412
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,440
Her arse looks big in everything.
Stop!
413
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,880
Dermot, where's me drink?
414
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,280
I asked for a nice
Slow Screw Up Against The Wall.
415
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,680
The bar's closed
until after the show, Ma.
416
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,040
Do you mean we have to
sit through this sober?!
417
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:29,400
Relax, Ma, it won't be that bad.
418
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,200
OK, up next we have Buster Brady
doing some stand-up comedy.
419
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,320
Oh, God, shoot me now.
420
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,720
Grandad's all set, Dermot.
421
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,480
His bags are packed,
ready to go to the home.
422
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,440
I'm really going to miss him
around the place, you know.
423
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,960
Yeah, I will, too. Not me.
424
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,160
Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
425
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,280
AUDIENCE: Aww!
426
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,480
APPLAUSE
427
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,400
Keep it clean, Buster.
428
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,280
Hello.
429
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,120
I was an ugly baby. When I was born,
the doctor slapped me mother.
430
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,800
I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.
431
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,200
AUDIENCE: Aww!
432
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,960
AUDIENCE: Aww!
433
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,600
But when I was a kid, I knew
I was loved. When I had a bath,
434
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,440
my mother would throw me in
a rubber duck, a battleship...
435
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,920
A toaster.
436
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,920
Yeah, ha...
437
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,720
Three lesbians walked
into a bar...
438
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,480
BUZZER
439
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,760
I can dance.
ALL: No!
440
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:58,880
Goodbye, Buster!
441
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,040
AUDIENCE: Aww!
442
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:07,120
Be honest, Mammy, you don't
really want Grandad to leave.
443
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:10,000
I booked his taxi for him.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
444
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:14,080
From the day that man set foot
in our house the very first time,
445
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,720
he's made no contribution
to this household.
446
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,280
All he does is take, take, take.
447
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,040
I don't know, Ma. Remember
when he caught Cathy's boyfriend
448
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,080
sneaking in her bedroom window?
449
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,440
No...?!
450
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,200
If it wasn't for Grandad, Cathy
could be married to Tommy Rizla now.
451
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,640
Shut up, Dermot!
452
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,640
Tommy buckin' Rizla?
Well, at least she'd be married.
453
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,480
You let that scumbag
into our house?
454
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,680
Yeah, well, Grandad bailed Dermot
out of the police station
455
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,120
for stealing cars.
456
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,360
No! What kind?
457
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,600
Police cars.
458
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,680
OK! If you'll all
put your hands together, please,
459
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,960
for our final act of the evening,
Birdie Flanagan.
460
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,720
APPLAUSE
461
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,440
What about when Daddy died?
462
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,880
Grandad brought us all to the
carnival in Bray to cheer us up.
463
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,240
Now, that was a great day.
The best.
464
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,560
I don't remember that.
465
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,760
That's cos you were in bed, Ma,
crying.
466
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,600
Um. excuse me, Dermot,
I'd just buried my husband.
467
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,840
And Grandad had just buried
his son, Mammy.
468
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,000
AUDIENCE: Aww!
469
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:23,240
You might not have always seen it,
but Grandad was really good to us.
470
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,200
This is all news to me.
471
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,600
Tommy buckin' Rizla?
472
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:34,280
Oh, let it go, Mammy!
Dermot, I will kill you!
473
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,880
SLOW MUSIC
474
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,320
# And I
475
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:44,000
# Never thought I'd feel this way
476
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,600
# And as far as I'm concerned
477
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:52,120
# I'm glad I got the chance to say
478
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:56,320
# That I do believe I love you
479
00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:02,000
# And if I should ever go away
480
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,760
# Well, then, close your eyes
and try
481
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:10,240
# To feel the way we do today
482
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,040
# And then if you can remember... #
483
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,720
Where are you going?
Something I have to do.
484
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,920
# Keep smiling, keep shining
485
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:26,240
# Knowing you can always
count on me
486
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,880
# For sure
487
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:33,400
# That's what friends are for
488
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,960
# In good times, in bad times
489
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:42,440
# I'll be on your side
forever more
490
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,880
# That's what
friends are for... #
491
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,240
Right, let's go.
492
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,480
What are you doing?
If you're going, I'm going.
493
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,000
AUDIENCE: Aww!
494
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,280
Bloody taxi hasn't arrived yet.
495
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,240
That's because I cancelled it.
496
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,880
AUDIENCE: Yay!
497
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,040
I don't want you to go.
What are you saying?
498
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,280
I'm saying stay!
499
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,000
Please.
500
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,240
I'll be no-one's burden.
It's too buckin' late for that now.
501
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,840
I'm kidding.
502
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,560
Look, Grandad,
I'll make a deal with you.
503
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,080
If at any point
I can't care for you...
504
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,640
..we'll go look
at that home together.
505
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,760
AUDIENCE: Aww!
506
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,240
I'd love a pint.
Well, come on, then.
507
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,280
CHEERING
508
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,120
Elvis is at the bar.
509
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,240
# Keep smiling, keep shining
510
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:11,560
# Knowing you can always
count on me
511
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,320
# For sure
512
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:18,800
# That's what friends are for
513
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:22,160
# In good times, in bad times
514
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:27,880
# I'll be on your side
forever mo-o-ore... #
515
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,280
Yeah, baby!
516
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:36,600
BOTH: # That's what friends
are for. #
517
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,640
CHEERING
518
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,400
Ah...
519
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,640
Well, that's Father Damien's search
520
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,920
for a star in Finglas over
for another year. Thank God.
521
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,680
It was a good night, though. Yeah.
522
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,680
It's amazing
how people can be entertaining.
523
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,920
You know, I mean real people.
524
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,720
The likes of Birdie getting up
and whacking out that song.
525
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,960
Or Mark, carpenter by day,
526
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,240
king of rock and roll by night.
527
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,200
I'd be lost without them.
528
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,400
And Grandad.
529
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:34,120
Is Grandad an arsehole?
Abso-buckin'-lutely.
530
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:40,680
But he's family, and in this house,
we protect family.
531
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:45,440
Mm, oh, oh, I know I give him
a hard time sometimes but...
532
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,400
..that's only cos I love him.
533
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,080
AUDIENCE: Aww!
534
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,840
I-I wouldn't tell him that
to his face.
535
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,440
Too late!
536
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,840
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
537
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,560
Ya bastard!
538
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:04,960
Bitch!
539
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,720
Back to normal!
540
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,200
Goodnight.
541
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:18,440
# Say hello to the queen
of Dublin town
542
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:24,560
# As the best mum of all
she wears the crown
543
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,640
# Mother hen
watching all her chicks
544
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,880
# Sassy old lady full of tricks
545
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:36,560
# It's a safe bet she'd never
let life get her down
546
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,040
# She's Mrs Brown... #
547
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,720
Goodnight!
# That's Mrs Brown
548
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,000
# Agnes
549
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,880
# Our Mrs Brown. #
550
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,000
MRS BROWN CACKLES
39350
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