Original subtitles

"Should I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely."

You're laughing at that?

I am allowed to laugh.

RUDY: It's him! It's Rudy Two!

WOMAN: Stand back!

-Are you a doctor? -WOMAN: I'm an electrician.

There's someone inside of there?

Yeah. It's someone with a power.

All right then.

Who's that on top of the building?

Maybe it's you.

What if we all become superheroes?

Ah! What are you doing?

Nothing. Shit. Sorry, I thought it was his neck.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

WOMAN: Leah?

I can hear you. I know you're in there.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Leah? (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I know something happened to you in the storm.

Something happened to me, too.

I've been going to this group.

It's for people like us.

Look, you don't have to go through it on your own.

Look, we could go together.

I miss hanging out with you.

Call me.

(SIGHS)

(MOBILE RINGING)

Leah?

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

# The city breathing The people churning

# The conversating The price is what?

# The conversating This place is heaven

# And if you see them They're saying what? #

RUDY: Man to a smaller man,

you're never going to get over this childish infatuation with Jess,

until you find a girl who looks up at you with her little puppy dog eyes

and says the words,

"Your tiny little cock tastes like marmalade, Finley."

Right, look at her. She looks like a fun girl.

Eh? Lady Marmalade? (LAUGHS)

Some people say tears are the best form of lubricant.

No one says that.

-Oh. She's upset. -Ow!

Sorry! I'm... Lubricant!

It's the best form of lubricant.

Better than tears.

Marmalade. 'Cause it's more lubricating...

Just fuck off!

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Tea?

I hope we start soon.

I've got work to do.

Bloody paperwork never stops, eh?

I know. What do you do?

-Probation worker. -(SPITS)

Oh, my God. (STAMMERING) I'm so sorry!

I... Oh, my God.

I was just going to clean the biscuits off. I kind of spotted you.

Oh. Okay.

I don't usually spit tea and biscuits in a girl's face.

Unless she's asking for it. I'm not saying you were asking for it.

No. No means no.

And that's coming from a guy who gets told no a lot.

I mean, it's not like I'm out there forcing meself on girls.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm really sorry. Just don't talk to me.

I'm a twat.

I'm Leah.

(CLEARS THROAT) Finn.

(COUGHS) I'm Finn.

Oh!

Pick 'n' mix.

You've been holding out on me, Finley.

-Little bastard. -(PAPER RUSTLING)

RUDY TWO: I know what you're doing.

(MUFFLED)

This is about Jess, isn't it?

(GARBLED) What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you taking Finn to the support group.

To hit on girls so you don't feel so guilty about your feelings for Jess.

(GARBLED)

Well, I refute that.

Or at least I think I do. What does refute mean?

It means you don't accept something.

Yeah, well, I refute that.

What if I was to tell Finn why you're so keen on him getting a girlfriend?

Don't. You can't. I really like Jess.

Just stay away from the support group, please.

Fine, I will. I'll stay away from your ridiculous support group, pal.

Oi, I'm still the boss of you, pal!

I refute that.

Oh, do you?

Well, when I learn how to fly, I'm going to soar like a freakin' eagle.

And I'm going to take a massive shit on your head from a very great height.

It isn't you on the jumper.

You don't know that.

It's very difficult getting a good likeness in wool.

Now, I will not let you screw up the future for all of us.

Oh, whatever.

Refuted!

I refute you, sir!

Do you think I should go over and put a good word in for him?

What are you going to say?

I could tell her about his strangely weighted balls.

They're like hairy apples.

Are you Alex?

Yeah.

I was told you can help me.

With my power.

What's the problem?

I turn things inside out.

-Hmm. -That doesn't seem that bad.

It's good for doing the laundry, and transgender surgery.

(WHISTLES)

I turned my cat inside out.

Okay. Why don't we go somewhere a bit quieter?

Okay.

So, what's your power?

What?

Your power.

-Why are you here at the support group? -Oh.

Uh, I have super hearing.

(QUIETLY) So cool.

What?

I said that, that's so cool.

I said it quietly because you can...

Right. It's not always on.

-It gets too loud. -Okay.

So, what about you? What's your power?

(SNICKERS)

I can move other stuff, too. Not just lager.

-Shit! -Oh, sorry!

I should go.

Do you want me to walk you home?

Sorry. Sorry.

Just let it air dry.

Not it! The trousers.

Let them air dry.

Shall we?

(CHLOE MOANS)

Hi. Do you like apples?

(UNCERTAINLY) Yeah.

Then you are going to love his balls.

Well, I hope everything works out for you. Sorry about your cat.

Oh, never mind.

ALEX: We were just...

We can probably guess. Actually, we don't need any photos, videos.

Well, have a good night.

Having a great night anyway, already.

Alex, from the bar.

Can't keep it in his pants for more than two seconds.

It's a sickness.

A disease.

Can I get your number?

Sure, yeah.

I'll call you.

Okay.

Is anyone going to the bar tonight?

I work there.

I wasn't talking to you.

I'll go with you.

Whatever.

Sure, I'll go for a drink.

Yeah, oh, oh. Shit, I can't.

No, I met this girl at the support group last night.

Leah.

Yeah, we really, really connected.

Went out afterwards for a drink. They saw me.

So, this whole thing about going for a drink is so you can tell us about this girl?

No.

No, I was...

I was just interested in what your plans were for tonight.

Excuse me.

(MAKES SOUND EFFECT OF SHOOTING GUN)

(IMITATES GUN CLICKING EMPTY)

(MAKES SOUND EFFECT OF SHOOTING HANDGUN)

RUDY: Oh. Ha.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Something on your mind?

You're on my mind. You are.

You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit.

Without that popping into my head.

Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of

eating, sleeping, and shitting,

so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?

-Yeah. -Okay. Well, it's a date.

Girl, you're a witch.

You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?

Hiya.

Hi.

Don't worry, I'm not going to spit tea and biscuits in your face.

Unless you want me to.

Sorry, do I know you?

Good one. (CHUCKLES)

What?

Oh, I see.

You like to play games.

Well, you better watch yourself.

Because if you want to play, then you're playing with a player.

I've got no idea what you're talking about.

Or who you are.

Of course, you don't.

Game on.

-Do me a favour. -I'd love to.

Stay the fuck away from me!

So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?

Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley,

there is no us.

Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you.

Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?

So, we can't just be honest about it?

Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name.

Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You go first.

I like you, which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.

Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that.

That's... That is refuted.

If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around.

We have to tell Finn.

Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.

If you want to be with me, then we have to tell Finn.

I don't know, isn't there like a middle ground where we just...

Where we don't tell him? Just...

Yeah, all right. I'll tell him.

Man to smaller man, I'm just going to have a word with him. It's not a problem.

-Oh. -Ah! Fuck! You...

Finley's here! Finley's here.

-Women. -Where?

I'm saying, one minute you're spitting tea and biscuits in their face, and they're being

all coy and shy, and the next minute they're acting like they don't even know you.

I'm done with this bullshit.

Oh, hey, where is he going? Come here. Do you mean like, done with all women?

Everywhere? Jesus, man. Women are beautiful. They've got lovely little...

Shapely eyebrows, the smell of pain au chocolat.

Who are you talking about?

(GIBBERISH)

Talking about me mom. She stinks of pastry. Absolutely hums of the stuff.

Probably her hormones. I don't know.

Right.

-It's Jess? -Oh.

She's the only girl for me.

Now, listen. Between me and you, don't say anything, I just, I think Jess might be

a bit of a cunt.

-Whoa, you can't say that! -Why not?

Because she's perfect.

Yeah, she is perfect, mate. She is.

She's perfection.

Oh! Oh, God's sake.

So, what are you going to do?

(SIGHS)

Are you going to tell Finn about your feelings for Jess?

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

There is only one thing I can do.

Finley.

(WHISPERS) Check your messages.

Might find a little present there.

-What is it? -Check it out. Enjoy.

(RUDY LAUGHS)

(JESS MOANING)

Is she taking a shit?

She's taking the Mother Teresa of all shits, dude.

With her face all contorted? What the fuck?

I know! It's enough to put you off her, isn't it?

Oh, I can't watch it. Oh, my God.

Consider yourself cured of your childish infatuation.

Why have you sent me a video of Jess taking a shit?

Eh?

Yeah, I got one of those, too. I thought it was one of those e-greeting cards.

Are you fucking kidding?

(JESS GRUNTING)

Shit!

-Morning! -(GASPS)

Morning! Good morning, Jessica.

What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!

Yeah, I know. I've only bloody liberated you.

Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting.

You free now? Just take off your shackles.

Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there.

# Free Nelson Mandela

# Shoes too small to fit these feet #

He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.

You're paying for a new phone.

What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell.

Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean?

Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.

I call it not having a fucking phone.

Adorable!

Fuck!

(CHIMING)

What the fuck are you doing?

(SIGHS)

So, suddenly you know me again?

Hey, you need to see this.

-(JESS GRUNTING) -Yeah, I know.

It's all over the Internet.

-Oh! The fuck! -Mmm-hmm.

(STAMMERS) Jinx in the fun, Finley. And by "fun" I mean

fucking world wide web.

-I'll see you later. -Where are you going?

To see Leah.

The girl I met at the support group.

You are! That's... That's brilliant! Get going. Go on.

You know, I saw him coming out of the bar with her the other night.

And she looked like she'd pissed herself.

Well, maybe a vagina becomes so moist it just...

Soak through her clothing.

-And when's that ever happened? -(SIGHS)

Summer of 2006, Lisa King.

Her vagina was so moist,

it was like...

Gently bubbling brook on a beautiful spring day.

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)

Hi.

Hi.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Who are you?

Where am I?

You're in my flat.

I found you unconscious in the corridor,

and I think you must have been in an accident.

Shit.

(GROANS) I don't know what happened.

You're okay, that's the main thing.

Do I know you?

No. (CHUCKLES)

But it's weird because I feel like I know you, too.

Yeah, I should go.

You don't have to.

Stay if you like.

Do you want a beer?

I... I've got to get back, I'm on community service.

Stay. Have some pizza.

Or do you like Chinese food? Anything you want.

I'd love to.

Honestly, I would, but...

I've got things to do.

You know, like litter to pick up.

There's everything we need right here.

We don't have to go anywhere.

Okay.

This has been fun.

You know, whatever this is.

I'll see you around.

Don't.

You've had your fun. The party's over, and I'm leaving.

-Fuck off! -No!

(DISTORTED VOICES)

Do you want to tell me what's going on?

We're in a virtual world.

I had us converted into electronic signals.

We're just a long stream of ones and zeroes.

Here's a question.

Why the fuck would you do that?

I like you.

You don't even know me.

It's me.

Leah.

The other night?

At the support group?

You spat biscuit in me face.

That was me.

I was downloaded into my friend's body.

Okay.

I don't want to get heavy with you,

but I'm done with all your little computer games, okay?

I want out.

Game over.

I thought you liked me.

Oh, call me old-fashioned,

but you kind of blew it when you turn me into a string of ones and zeroes

and kept me prisoner in a virtual bedsit.

It's better this way. I hate it out there.

You're a fucking nutter.

Just great. Perfect.

I finally meet a girl that I really... Oh.

What?

Nothing.

You just need some time to get your head around it.

I've got me head around it.

Yeah, I think I have.

I want out!

I know we can be happy.

Where are you going? You...

You can't keep me in here!

Let me go!

You can't do this!

Let me go.

JESS: It was really weird

because I was walking across the estate

and people were looking at me...

And laughing.

It's happened three times now.

This one guy was really staring at me

with this big smirk on his face.

Oh, honestly, bloody hell!

What a strange and unpredictable world we all bloody live in.

My office.

-Now. -Yep.

I want to tell you a story.

Okay.

This story involves a young man

who developed an affection for another young man.

When the young man could repress his feelings no longer,

he made a video,

expressing his desires via the medium of poetry.

And the young man sent the video by electronic mail

or e-mail, as it was to become known.

Five minutes later, there was a ping in his inbox.

And then another. (CHUCKLES)

And then another.

It transpires that the other young man did not share his feelings.

He found the poem amusing,

so he shared it with everyone he knew,

who shared it with everyone they knew, and so on and so forth.

And the young man was understandably upset by this cruel rejection,

so confronted the object of his desires

in a deserted underground car park.

And with tears streaming down his face,

he recited the poem again...

As he beat the other young man to a bloody pulp.

You see my point?

Not really.

Perhaps this will help you.

-(WATER SPLASHING) -(GRUNTING)

Korean mash up.

(MAN SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Why is there a video of me shitting on the Internet?

What do you mean?

Making toilet on the Internet?

Damn you, Bill Gates. That's out of order, man.

-Can't believe it. -It was you, wasn't it?

Can I just... Let me just say, in me...

Let me just say, me defence...

Look, we've all made bloody mistakes.

-(SCREAMING) -Okay, now.

Jess, Jess... Get the fuck off...

What the fuck, Jess?

Ow! Jesus Fucking Christ!

(GROANING)

I brought you some pizza.

You think you can just win me over with a few slices of pizza?

-Pathetic. -I'll come back later.

Whoa, wait, wait. What kind of pizza is it?

Hawaiian.

You're the one who wanted to come and talk about our issues,

which, for the record, are all in your weak little mind.

But that is before.

I realised how important this group is.

Do you know, honestly, you are like a bull with a hard-on in a china shop.

It's ridiculous.

Is this about Jess?

I just... I don't know what to do.

You try and do the good thing, the right, the noble thing.

And what do have to show off for it?

A freakin' broken heart and a ruptured testicle.

Mmm. I'll see you later.

Brilliant.

Fuck me.

All right.

Don't ever let your testicles get viciously beaten with your own broom handle.

-I'll keep that in mind. -Do.

So, I hear you and Finn were in the bar the other night,

it was all getting a little bit Lisa King in the crotch department,

wasn't it, eh?

The brook does bubbleth over.

-(LAUGHS) -I don't know what you're talking about.

Of course, you don't know. A lady doesn't speak of such matters.

Was madame satisfied?

No, really, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about madame and Master Finley.

I presume he's to be found in a pool of his own bodily fluids somewhere.

-Who's Finley? -For God's sake,

Finley is the small, well intentioned, monkey-ish little fellow.

You are like...

You're Leah, aren't you?

Oh, I get it. I'm sorry.

You're embarrassed and deeply ashamed.

Just wink three times and I'll know.

It wasn't me.

I think it was my friend, Leah.

I think she did something to me.

Look, in a couple of days,

everybody's going to be going crazy about a new video of a...

A dancing cat or...

Or the grizzly bear chasing the dwarf.

It's a classic. His little legs.

Poor little...

Anyway, my point is, no one remembers it.

You obviously remember it.

I think you looked rather cute, actually,

you're face all screwed up and contorted.

Will you please just shut the fuck up?

RUDY: Guys... Guys!

No, no, no, don't! Stop.

Can I just say, in my defence...

-No, you can't... -No, no, no, no, no. Don't!

Not the testicles, for God's sake.

(SIGHS) I think Finn's in trouble.

ALEX: So how does this girl's power work?

RUDY: Well, I don't know.

Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers

and freakin' insert yourself into people.

I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man,

and I for one will not let him be experimented on.

Unless she's dressing him up, man,

like one of them chimps in the PG Tip adverts,

then colour me amused.

(SIGHS) Can I just say, in my defence...

Oh, my God.

Finn?

Oh, shit.

She's fucking killed him.

Finn, I never had a chance to tell you. Dude, it was me.

I stole the birthday money from your gran,

but I already borrowed it, dude.

How can I pay you back?

He's got a pulse, he's still alive.

He doesn't need to know about the birthday money from his gran.

It was only 20 quid.

He's in here.

She's got him on a memory stick.

Good pizza.

I'm glad you like it.

This doesn't mean I want to stay here.

It's not even real.

It's just ones and zeroes.

This isn't even real tinned pineapple, is it?

When was the last time you left your flat?

The day of the storm.

Wow.

You really need to get out more.

(SNICKERS)

Really.

I used to go out.

Gradually I just stopped.

Everything's easier online, you...

You chat to who you want to chat to.

You decide you don't like them.

One click, and they're gone.

You never have to see them again.

You take the piss,

click.

Act like a dick, click.

You embarrass yourself, click.

It is not like being out there, you're in control.

If it works for you, great.

I like it out there.

You stay here and click away 'cause

I'm going to be on me way.

We can be happy in here, I know we can. We have everything we need.

If you're so happy,

then why were you at the support group?

Why were you there if you didn't want help?

If this is so great, why were you there?

-Why were you there? -Because I'm lonely!

Of course, you're lonely.

You never leave your flat.

Can't you tell her, Finn?

You soft twat.

Shut up, this is good.

Life is just passing you by.

Real life.

And yeah, it's shit sometimes.

But you need the shit to appreciate the good things.

Like...

The first time you meet a girl you fancy.

That shy little flutter.

I had that when I met you.

At the support group, I asked you for a drink.

LEAH: That wasn't even me.

It was. It was you. It was...

It was your personality.

You're prettier than your friend.

(LEAH CHUCKLES)

I'm not saying, like she's a munter or...

You're prettier.

We could give it a try up there.

I like you.

You're just saying that so I'll let you go.

You'll leave and you'll never come back.

-No. -No, if you like me, you can stay in here with me.

No, no, no, no! Finley!

Finley! Finley!

Let him go!

Shit!

I'm all out of brilliant ideas.

You don't know what you're missing.

5'4" and a quarter inches of sheer magnificence.

No. No!

Oh...

Oh.

ABBY: Come on, come on, come on.

Quick, quick, quick.

ALEX: Wait, wait, wait.

-Where's the memory stick? -JESS: I've got it.

LEAH: His phone.

Okay, so how are we going to get Finn

out of here and into his body?

Well, guys, luckily for young Finley down here,

one of us has a master's degree in computer science.

Yeah, but you don't actually have

a master's degree in computer science, do you?

You have a fake certificate that you printed off the Internet.

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING) -Is this about the shitting?

'Cause seriously, for fuck's sake.

Hello.

ABBY: That was fresh and easy.

-ABBY: I think we're getting better at this stuff, guys. -Yeah.

Why don't I take him home with me?

And then I can look after him while we all figure out what we're going to do.

You? You want to look after him?

What are you going to do with him?

Give him a bath.

ABBY: Scented candles.

Everyone likes a scented candle.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, and you can drive him home in your new car.

Can't you?

Yeah.

RUDY: Have you got a new car?

Am I on insurance?

Oh, my God, let's get a caravan.

-Give me the memory stick. -RUDY: We'll get on the ferry,

we just go to France. Load up with baguettes.

Just fucking drive, guys, you know what I mean?

It's her, she's downloaded into Alex.

But we can we be together.

I can make him happy.

Handsome barman, dude, seriously.

Are you in there at all? Are you there?

No. (GROANS)

Give me the memory stick.

Don't make me hurt you.

It's okay.

(JESS GRUNTS)

RUDY: Guys. Jesus Christ!

Girls, go, go, go, girls.

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Whoa!

-What's happening? -(SHUSHING)

He's talking to the caretaker.

The most noble of all professions.

(GRUNTS)

Hit him. He's fucking headbutted him.

Shit!

-It's a dead end. -ABBY: All right.

(THUDDING)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

I think he's gone.

(SCREAMS)

(SPUTTERS)

Well, nailed to the floor.

That's a first.

Speak for yourself. School play.

Crucifixion re-enactment gone badly awry.

(LAUGHS)

Hi.

Hi.

JESS: Help! Hi.

-Hello. -Hi.

Oh. You're electro girl. Me doppelganger's looking for you.

Wants to speak to you about a jumper or something.

What are you doing?

I know it's a big ask, but is there any chance at all

that you could pull these nails out for us?

I'm on my way to a job, though.

I'm on my way to a job.

That's what the good Samaritan said to Jesus when he found him nailed to the cross.

But you know what, he freakin' unnailed him.

And then he said, "Do you want to kip in me stable

"with that donkey from Bethlehem?"

And Jesus said... Do you know what he said?

He went, "Oh, cheers, mate. See that water over there?

"I'm going to turn that into wine...

"And fish."

You really know your Bible, don't you?

Me faith is very important to me.

For fuck's sake.

Whoa! Careful, careful, careful.

Come with me.

-Don't. -You can do this.

I'll be with you.

(SIGHS)

Come on.

Don't worry, there's nothing to be scared of.

Nobody's going to hurt you.

Get off my monkey, you crazy...

FINN: Leave her alone.

ALEX: What happened?

She has been inserting herself into you, dude,

and not in a fucking "I'm not gay,

"I just want to know how it feels" kind of way neither.

I'll handle this.

I think you'll find she's already been handled...

By me...

In there.

Can I just say, my defence...

-Right. -Look, just don't. Just stop.

Jess, please. Just...

There are things I need to tell you,

and I just... You need to listen.

The business with the defecation,

perhaps that was an error...

No, it was. It was an error in judgement on my part,

but me motives, they were true and bloody noble.

Watching you defecate your guts out,

it didn't put me off you at all.

At all.

There is no greater test of a man's feelings.

I have seen you turn shit ugly.

But...

But to me it was shit beautiful. You are...

You're a beautiful shitter.

(SIGHS)

What?

Hang on, hang on.

It's not just a one off thing, is it? I mean...

You are going to be me girlfriend, aren't you?

I'll be your girlfriend.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh.

(EXHALES)

Oh. Um...

I'm...

I'm sorry, um...

Last week, you shocked me and you restarted my heart.

I didn't look like this. I was an 80-year-old man.

I had senile dementia.

That was you?

Yeah, I didn't get a chance to say thank you or anything and...

Thank you.

Oh... Can I just...

I'm sorry to bother you. It's about a jumper.

Are you some kind of knitwear salesman?

I've seen the future.

And I think it might be your future.

So what happens to me?

I think you become a proper superhero.

WOMAN: It's a support group for terminally ill young people.

I'm one of their care assistants.

It's not fucking fair.

What can you do?

Yes! Fuck you, you fucking loser!

Holding someone, it...

-It makes you feel alive. -(GASPING)

What's going on?

I don't know what's going on with him.

I've got something for you.

Yeah?

This has been a good day.

Yeah, it has been a good day.