Original subtitles

MR WADE: Are you in love with her?

RUDY: Whoa, no. Shut up, Dad.

-What? -No, I either go as me or I'm not going at all.

No! Fuck off! Moron.

You can't... You can't deny me forever, you know.

Well, denied, mate!

Since the lung transplant, I've got the power

to fuck powers out of people.

(SCREAMING)

Whoa! I need to talk to you.

It's about a jumper!

(GRUNTING)

Morning, Finlay!

Oh, come on!

That's... That's fucking it.

RUDY ONE: He's fucked off. He's left me.

Rudy Two's buggered off and left me.

-Where's he gone? -Shit, I don't know.

He's been gone a couple of days now.

I thought maybe he'd come back in the night

but he's not done it. He's never been out of me this long before.

Are they my trousers?

Yeah, shit, I'm sorry, I was going to ask if I could borrow some clothes

because I've run out!

-What are you going to do? -Fuck, I'm not gonna do nothing.

If he wants go off and do his own thing, that's his decision.

Good riddance, that's what I say. Friggin' free at last.

-Thank fuck almighty, I'm free at last. -Don't...

-(GROANING) -Stop it!

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

# The city breathing The people churning

# The conversating The price is what?

# The conversating This place is heaven

# And if you see them They're saying what? #

David Simmonds, right? Now, he was a kid at our school, he had a tail.

It was like a useless flap of skin at the base of his spine.

And one day he had the bloody tail removed.

And now I know how he feels.

To losing your tail, guys, let's get them in there.

But he was part of the gang.

-For fuck's sake! -He was Scrappy-Doo to your Scooby.

You're Shaggy. Obviously.

Um, which one am I?

Velma.

-Velma? -Mmm-hmm.

With the glasses? Fuck off.

-What if he's killed himself? -Why the fuck would he have killed himself, then?

He didn't mean to. Satsuma in the mouth, dog collar on.

Bit tighter, bit tighter...

For fuck's sake!

I'll piss off and I'll friggin' celebrate by meself, shall I?

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

Have a nice evening.

That is a really pale ass.

(ALL GROANING)

What the fuck, guys?

Ow.

For Christ sake, why am I not in bed?

-Morning. -Morning! (CLEARS THROAT)

This is Rudy Two's fault.

I cannot be expected to look after meself.

I've only just worked out those screw top lids on them Aspirin bottles.

How about you just put some pants on first and then we'll talk about it?

Man, running out of bog-roll is one fucking thing.

This is bang out of order.

It makes my blood boil.

I mean, there's a municipal recycling facility two minutes down the road.

It's just scum.

Sick, inhuman scum.

We kill people.

Frequently.

Yeah.

Well, there's honour in killing people.

There's no honour in fly-tipping, is there?

Hey!

Check this guy out.

RUDY: Is he all right?

You all right, mate? How you doing?

Oh, he looks friendly, doesn't he?

How you doing? You all right, mate?

Oh, shit, he's a bit huggy.

Two sugars. Milk and two sugars.

Milk and two sugars, get the man a cup of tea immediately, before...

Oh, my fucking God!

It's him! It's Rudy Two!

Where have you been you? Who's done this to you?

Are we absolutely sure that it's him?

Dude, are you fucking kidding me, man? Look!

He's got to be about 80. Maybe even more.

Do you remember what happened to you?

Oh!

-It's you. -Yeah.

I always liked you.

It's raining.

Your hair's so pretty

when it's wet.

Jesus Christ. The man's a fucking vegetable.

I tell you what's happened here.

The storm.

This will be something to do with the storm.

-Really? -Yeah.

ALEX: You think so? FINN: Mmm-hmm.

Well, thanks for the heads-up, Miss Marple.

Maybe it's something to do with that superpower support group he's been going to.

RUDY ONE: So what does he need with a support group anyway?

Talking about your feelings, that's the first sign of weakness.

You want to bottle that stuff up inside you,

until it becomes one solid mass of anger and resentment.

That's what me uncle Peter did.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Admittedly, he drank himself to death, but that's not the point.

-Hello? -He's hungry.

Gammon and an egg and fish and...

He wants gammon.

Well, I don't know, get him some from a vending machine.

Okay, hurry up. You need to be the one dealing with this, not me.

Ugh.

-Guys, this is it. -Right.

What's the plan?

The plan is we go in there and we ask them

which one turned Rudy Two into an old man.

-Shit plan. -Is it?

If Rudy Two's a regular at this group, they're going to think you're him.

Go undercover.

Pretend to be him and whoever did it'll be surprised to see you,

they'll give themselves away.

That is genius.

Here's what I need, right? I need a beard, I need some glasses.

I need a pipe, I want a cloak and give me a staff of some kind...

You need to look like Rudy Two,

otherwise they're not gonna think you're him.

This guy, eight GCSEs.

Let's go undercover.

Rudy Two. How are you doing?

I would imagine you're quite

surprised to see me, guy.

Not really. Um... You always come on a Tuesday.

Let's just say that "old" habits die hard?

"Old habits."

-I'm Finn. -Nice to meet you, hi.

Don't worry about me, I'm just here for the biscuits.

She is.

So what's your power?

-Telekinesis. -Milky nipples.

-Hmm? -Milky nipples.

'Cause every time he tells a lie, he just expresses milk from his nipples.

It's ridiculous, he's very embarrassed about it.

Now you're going to have to excuse us

'cause we do have other people we need to speak to.

Finlay.

What was all that with the fucking milky nipples?

What was the plan, then? Can you remember it?

The plan was we don't tell anyone what our real powers are.

That was nothing to do with the plan.

-Was it not? -No!

Listen to me, dude, seriously, someone here knows something about Rudy Two.

I suggest we just split up.

Yeah, I think we should... Fuck off!

Why is there a turtle by the biscuits?

He turns up every week. It's someone with a power.

There's someone inside of there?

Yeah. His name's Mark.

All right, mate?

You don't have to be embarrassed.

About your, um, your power.

How about you? What's your power?

Me? Ah.

It's, uh, complicated.

I don't really like to talk about it.

It's all right. You don't have to if you don't want to.

The thing is other people make certain

assumptions about my (CLEARS THROAT) sexuality, and...

What, they think you're gay?

Yeah, yeah, I guess they do.

And...

Are you gay?

No!

(SIGHS)

Now you know.

Fuck off!

You're... You're literally trapped in the closet?

(CHUCKLES) How funny is that?

And also very serious

and quietly poignant.

Yeah.

Actually, I've got a friend who can take powers.

How does he take powers? How does it work?

I'll let him fill you in on the details.

Oh, you're gonna love him.

-His name's Alex. He's on community service. -Great.

"Miss Marple"? Prick.

-Hey! -Oh, fucking hell.

That's her. She's old, he's old. I'm going undercover, man, this is it.

FINN: (WHISPERING) Okay, wait.

Okay, everyone's here. Let's make a start.

FINN: (WHISPERING) Wait!

-Hi, Rudy Two. -Yeah.

All right, you.

Um... (SIGHS) Rudy Two. Last time you were telling us about Rudy One.

Was I?

(STAMMERING) I don't... I don't remember.

Okay, you were telling us you were embarrassed by his behaviour.

You feel betrayed that he hasn't introduced you to your parents.

Just... Let's just let someone else have a turn, shall we, then?

What about him over there?

He looks like he's got issues, doesn't he?

Um... (CHUCKLES)

You were saying that at times you're ashamed of him.

That he makes you feel ashamed.

Just fuckin' move on! For fuck's sake, man!

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

It melted all over the seats.

Sorry, what did?

Me dad's car with the leather seats.

We were going to the seaside and chocolate melted all over the seats.

But he wasn't angry.

He just bought me another one.

Fuck! What the fuck are you doing, talking shit about me behind my fucking back?

You're ashamed? You're fucking ashamed?

-You fucking shambles. -What the... Get off him!

-Fucking mug. -Get off!

(WHISPERING) For fuck's sake.

You're all right. You're okay.

Come on, dude. This way.

(EXASPERATED SIGH)

What is he wearing?

-What? They're nice shorts, them. -JESS: Trainers?

What, is he going for a kick-about in the park, is he?

I don't care what he does. He can do what he wants!

Guys, there's someone that I'd like you to meet.

(ALL GASPING)

I found him at the group last night.

There's a person in there.

Sorry, hang on. You found a turtle

and you just thought that you'd pick him up and take him home?

You abducted a turtle.

Well, technically it's a tortoise.

(FINN CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Guess who followed the evil old woman home from the support group

and got her address?

This guy did!

Genius! The lad's a friggin'... Eight GCSEs.

English, Maths and French.

-Where's he gone, then? -Who?

-Shit! -Oh!

Hey, what were you doing?

Idiot, where you going? It's this way, you moron. Oh, Christ.

Who the fuck might this be?

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue.

(SCREECHING AND GROANING)

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me. (SCOFFS)

He's my granddad.

Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl.

Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and the fear and for what?

Boys with hair straighteners.

Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out!

It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir.

You need to step up. He is your responsibility.

Fine. Fine. I'll sort it.

Fuck!

All right. Let's just get you in here. Perfect! Look at this place.

Let's just get you sat down there, there we go.

And what do we have in here?

Look at that. What a lucky fella. There you go.

Cornetto, chair.

It's like the frigging Ritz, in here.

Have fun. Don't eat it all at once.

See you in a bit.

Are you Alex?

-Your mate said you'd take my power. -What mate?

-The mate with the milky nipples. -What? Sorry?

-He was short. -Oh, Finn!

You monkey-faced fuck.

Uh, look. No offence mate, but I don't really do blokes.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm not into having sex with men.

-What, you think I'm gay? -I don't really care what you are.

I'm not gay!

This is it. Her name's Maggie.

All right, Maggie.

It's time to pay the fucking piper, biatch.

Bosh!

What are you doing?

Well, I thought that was part of the plan.

We could've just knocked.

It's too late to friggin' knock now, Finlay, for crying out loud.

Is it too late, to knock?

Shit, I'm just gonna knock, man, see what she says.

Yoo-hoo?

Here she comes. What do I say?

Say sorry.

All right, love?

Why did you break my door?

Because I...

I thought you'd fallen over

and broken your hip.

Well, you can fix that lock when you've helped me with my jigsaw.

Oh, God.

I have a cat.

She may try to drink from your nipples.

-FINN: What are you doing? -Fuck, it won't fit.

We need to find the edges first and work from the outside in.

-Basic puzzling. -It's just a jigsaw, man.

I'm going undercover.

-I'm gonna see what she knows, yeah? -Yes.

(SIGHS) So, "Maggie,"

I suppose you're quite surprised to see me, aren't you?

It's Wednesday. You always come Wednesday. Hands.

(EXASPERATED SIGH)

So, how's that awful Rudy One treating you?

He's not awful, he's just...

He's a bit misunderstood, that's all.

You should leave him. I'm sick of telling you.

Maybe he needs me.

Perhaps it's time he learnt to look after himself.

Well, with all due respect, perhaps it's time you minded

your own fucking beeswax, Margaret.

I don't think I care for your tone today, Rudy Two.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have sworn.

Bedroom. There's a ball of pale pink.

Well, go on.

Yes! All four corners!

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

They all mean something.

Who knows what? They'll find out eventually.

Who will?

The people on the jumpers.

It's their future.

You'd better be going. Don't you usually meet up with Tim on a Wednesday?

Oh, Tim. Of course I do! Tim, "Tim waits for no man!" As it t'were.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Seriously though, I've mislaid me old Filofax.

Can't remember. Where exactly do I meet Tim?

FINN: She knits the future?

It's not exactly your classic super-power, is it?

I need to talk to you.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) So.

Tim? I suppose you're quite surprised to see me.

Give us a minute.

Stay... Where you going? Stay.

-It happened again. -Hmm?

I woke up this morning and I found this.

Oh, for fuck's sake! (STAMMERING) A fucking gun?

I don't know where it came from, but it can't be good.

(SIGHS)

Help me.

Just please, tell me what to do.

All right, instead of me telling you what I think you should do,

maybe you should tell me what you think you should do, Tim.

I need to snap the band.

Remind myself that this is real.

That it's not a game.

Cool, when then just snap it. You snap the band,

remind yourself it's real and I'll be... What, then? What, then?

What's the matter, dude? You're getting a little bit twitchy.

Let's not get that out, for fuck's sake. Put it away.

They'll ring the fucking police.

No, no, no. Fuck, fuck them.

Don't! Snap the band, dude! Put it away.

Fucking snap the band. Snap the fucking band!

Snap the fucking band!

Put the fucking gun in the bag.

Dude, put the fucking gun in the bag. For Christ's sake, Tim, shit!

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're a good friend.

You're not so bad yourself. Finlay, dude, drink that shit up.

Why the fuck does he help these people

and he doesn't even go on about it, he doesn't tell anyone?

Hell, I gave 20 P to cancer research, I'm still going on about it.

Are you all right?

-There's something I need to do. I'll call you later. -Okay.

Here he is. The silver fox, where...

Shit.

You locked him in a fucking cupboard.

Well, technically, that's not a cupboard, that's the bloody storeroom, isn't it?

No, this isn't a fucking joke.

It was only five minutes whilst I was out taking care of everything. So...

I don't care if it's for five minutes while you go for a piss.

All right. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking sorry, like.

Look at him!

Look at him!

This is not a joke.

This is not some minor inconvenience to your day.

It's not some random old man, he's Rudy Two and he's a part of you.

All right.

Shit.

I'm sorry, man. I'm shit, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right. Don't be sad.

Oh, I'm tired.

Go and get some bloody shut-eye. I'll go and get our dinner.

We'll watch it in front of the TV, yeah?

It's me. Mr Johnson.

You. You came back.

Look at you.

I didn't mean for it to happen like this.

I love her.

I've waited my whole life to feel this way

and now I've got her.

I can't just let her go again.

I'm so sorry.

-Goodbye, Rudy Two. -Help me. Help me!

Help me! Help me! He's here!

Help me!

Help me!

-Are you all right, mate? -He was here. He was here.

-He was here! He was here! -Who was here? Who? Calm down.

-He was here! -Shh, calm down. Calm down. Who was in here?

-Me tea. I wanted me tea. -Oh, Christ.

It's all right, mate, I'm here now.

Now then, until I can figure out how to get him back to normal

we're all gonna take turns helping, so I've drawn out a simple rota system

-that's colour-coded and handwritten. -Laminated. Nice touch.

Thank you. In here, we have boiled sweets, they're for you, dude.

TV guide. You'll note I've ringed all the relevant programmes.

Diagnosis Murder, snooker, Cash in the Attic and Bargain Hunt.

This fine figure of a man has looked after me more times than I care to remember.

And I tell you something else, he'd have done the same for each and every one of you,

because he's a bloody good bloke.

Now, we've got a lot to do,

so I think we should get on it. Let's do this. Come on, guys.

(MELLOW SKA MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNAPPING)

Um, Alex, will you do me a quick favour?

Will you fuck my tortoise?

Um, just give me a minute to think about that.

Actually, I don't need the full minute. It's a no.

It's a man and his name's Mark.

-He's trapped in here and he can't get out. -That is really tragic.

But I'm still not fucking your tortoise.

You have no idea, do you?

I found out what my power is and it's totally useless.

There's nothing I can do to help anyone.

But you. You can make a difference.

You're the only one out of us who can actually change people's lives.

And what are you doing about it?

Nothing.

It's just sat there, in your pants.

Use your power, Alex.

Help people.

Be a superhero.

Fuck the tortoise, Alex.

RUDY: Right!

Here we go, love, clean clothes.

You're gonna be beating them off with a shit stick, you are.

There you go. All right, let's...

What the friggin' hell are you wearing?

Me jumper. Maggie made it for me.

He was cold. I found it under the sofa.

That's fucking me, that's me! And I'm fucking flying, look!

-What are you talking about? -It's the future.

That is me, that, I fucking knew it.

-Oh, it's just a jumper. -This woman, she knits the future. That is us, look.

All right. How come there's only four of us?

Well, she's had to miss Finn out, obviously.

No one can knit that fucking small, can they?

(LAUGHING)

Let's get him... Let's get him ready for bed. Hands in the air.

Whoo-hoo.

I'm gonna just sort your collar out.

Right, let's get this off. Are you ready?

Where's he gone? Oh, my God, where's he gone? There he is.

Oh, tell him about the chocolate.

-What chocolate? -The leather seats. You were going to the seaside.

Chocolate all over seats. Dad's car with the leather seats.

Oh, shut up, man, no one wants to hear about that, that's boring.

No. I like it.

It was a Curly Wurly.

And I'd put it in me back pocket of me shorts.

And I sat on it all the way from home until the motorway.

That were a bloody brilliant holiday.

I can't... D'you know, I forgot about?

Ah... I buried me tank on beach.

The tank, I loved that tank. I got it for my birthday, didn't I?

Then me mum and dad, they dug up the whole beach, but they couldn't find it.

Fifteen years later they went back, didn't they, to the same beach.

They were eating their sandwiches.

And there was a boy.

He was making a hole.

They found me tank. I got me bloody tank back.

Do you want to watch TV?

-Uh, yeah. -Yeah?

-Yeah. All right. -Good.

I'll get crisps, shall I? All right?

The irony is that for me to take your power

and for you to stop being trapped in closets,

we need to have anal sex.

(CHOKES)

Mmm-hmm.

Just so we're clear,

am I fucking you because you're not gay

and you're just sick of having your power?

Or am I fucking you because you are gay

and you just don't want anyone to know about it?

That's a head-scratcher.

It's my dad.

-He won't accept me. -Well, then he's a dick.

He's the one who needs helping, not you.

I should go.

I don't suppose you'd fancy a drink sometime.

(CHUCKLING)

NARRATOR: (ON TELEVISION) Although their mating is now over,

the male will often begin to review his amorous affections.

Ah! What are you doing?

Nothing. Shit. Sorry, I thought it was his neck.

Oh.

Right, come on you, bugalugs, drink up.

Homes Under the Hammer's about to start. Let's have it.

Come on, and we don't want to miss that, do we?

-What are you doing, man? -(GROANING)

I think he's having a heart attack.

RUDY: What do we do? Good lord.

Somebody help!

-Somebody help! -Breathe!

-Jesus fucking Christ, what do we do? -Stand back.

-Are you a doctor? -I'm an electrician.

He's not fucking breathing.

Clear.

Oh, shit. You all right, mate?

JESS: You all right?

-Are you all right? -It's all right, I'm here now. It's all right.

Thanks, thank you. Get him up.

Finn's with him. He's gone off to sleep.

He's gonna die, isn't he?

Not... Not now.

Soon.

And I'm going to be all on me own.

Who's going to look after me when I get like that?

Maybe you'll meet someone, settle down, have kids. Like a normal person.

Who'd want to settle down with me? Hmm?

When my granddad got old, we found him a home.

He was happy there.

Maybe it's the best thing for him, for everyone.

They'll look after him and you can visit him when you like.

Yeah.

Will you come with us?

JESS: Of course I will.

All we need do is get you a bloody TV, a couple of posters.

It's a fucking bachelor pad, that's what this... Look at this.

En suite, cheeky wee in the sink.

And if you fancy ham and avocado sandwich at 4:00 in the morning,

you got your room service there, cheeky tug.

-He came. He came to see me. -Oi, listen to me.

I'll come and see you.

I'm gonna be here so often you're gonna be sick of the friggin' sight of me.

I'll see you soon. Yeah?

All right?

Let's just get away, go somewhere.

-Start again. -(LAUGHING) Where?

I don't know. Anywhere.

There's too many memories for me here.

Or,

how about we don't go anywhere

and we just go for a drink instead?

(CHUCKLES)

I went back to your group. No one knows anything.

Shit, I'm sorry, man. I tried, you know.

But then I went to mum and dad's house

and I got you a present.

Eh?

Oh, yes.

They dug up the whole beach.

They were having their sandwiches.

They did. I want you to have it, yeah?

You? I wasn't expecting to see you.

Really? Why? Sorry, why might that be?

Mr Johnson's not here any more. He's gone.

I'm sorry, I just, I seem to have mislaid the old Filofax,

which Mr Johnson do you mean,

'cause I help a few on a regular basis, that's all, so?

Len Johnson.

I'm really worried about him.

We've tried all the hospitals, but there's no sign of him.

Thanks.

It's okay.

There's no need to panic.

We're going to be together.

Me and Naomi.

I know you'd be happy for us.

But I can't risk you ruining everything.

(MUFFLED YELLING)

(YELLING CONTINUES)

What the fuck are you doing to him, man?

He's my friend.

My power. I can swap ages with people.

Rudy Two used to let me switch with him for an hour a week

just to give me a break from being an old man.

I loved her from the minute I saw her.

Naomi.

She was my nurse.

I never got married.

I never found my true love.

Until now.

What if I was to tell her what you've been doing?

What if I showed her the photo of you?

'Cause then she'd see you for what you really are.

Please don't tell her.

-You all right? -(COUGHING)

It's all right, mate.

It's all right. It's all right.

Do it!

Do it or I'll tell her everything.

Take his hand, it's all right.

Come on.

RUDY TWO: All right, pal.

Here you are, mate.

Now then,

I believe a "thanks" is in order, innit, young man?

(CHUCKLING)

You locked me in a cupboard.

No, it wasn't a cupboard, it was a store room.

And I wiped your arse and I gave you butterscotch

and I let you watch the friggin' snooker.

-I don't like the snooker. -You ungrateful fucker.

Nah, I'm only kidding, you did great.

I'm going now, mate. See you on Friday.

Come on, give over, you soft shite.

Come here, come on, welcome home.

So, about that gay guy that you hooked me up with.

-Oh. -Oh, yeah!

I just wanted to say thanks.

It felt good helping somebody.

You know, I think this is what I'm supposed to do with my power.

You know, be like a proper hero.

-And all thanks to you, eh? -Yeah, pleasure.

So, hang on. Now you're into helping people, would you...

No! I won't shag your tortoise.

Morning Mark.

Did you sleep well?

(QUIETLY) See ya later.

-You all right? -Yeah.

(SIGHING)

Is it weird that I miss him?

It was nice having someone to look after.

No, I don't think it's weird.

Do you know what? If I wasn't such a total fuck-up,

I'd probably ask you out for a drink and you'd say yeah, because,

well, I wouldn't be the mess that stands before you now,

I'd be someone different, you know, someone...

You know, someone good.

And we'd end up having this really amazing time together and...

I dunno, we might even end up as boyfriend and girlfriend. (CHUCKLES)

And it wouldn't end up with me just fucking it up all the time

and you thinking I'm a total cunt. It wouldn't be like that at all, it'd be nice.

And we'd be happy

together and I don't know, fucking hell, one day we might even get a dog or something.

(CHUCKLING)

All right, then.

"All right, then," what?

You just asked me out for a drink and I said yes.

(CHUCKLES)

Sam! Sam. I wanna show you something.

Is that me?

Yeah, I think so. (CHUCKLES)

And this girl down here with the lightning bolt, I had a heart attack,

she saved my life.

Who's that on top of the building?

-I don't know. -Maybe it's you.

What if we all become superheroes?

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, like, you know, proper superheroes.

Maybe it's our destiny.

WOMAN: I think it was me friend, Leah.

Leah?

I think she did something to me.

-What you do? -Probation worker.

(SPITS)

Oh, my God.

Just don't talk to me. I'm a twat.

I'm Leah.

It was you, wasn't it?

Can I just... Let me just say, let me just say in me defence.

-(SHRIEKS) -(GROANS)

ABBY: It's her. She's downloaded into Alex.

RUDY: Go, go, go, go, go, girls!

I think he's gone.