Original subtitles

How do you smell so nice?

Right, I'm not being funny, you're like, proper strange.

It's 'cause I don't know who I am.

No, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm.

I've tried to find out who I am, but no one's looking for me.

I'm Laura.

I'm Abby.

Is that what I think it is?

I'm sorry.

RUDY: It's a support group. It's for people with powers and I just think we should go.

Hi. My name's Sam.

I can fly.

-Oh, hello. -That's Abby's locker.

Does this explain why that dewy-eyed-my-little-fuck-wit

hasn't turned up for her community service?

She likes to "rave", does she?

She have her face in a field somewhere, dancing with the little bunny rabbits?

Aceeeed! Ah, ah, ah, ha. Aceeeed! Aceeeed! Ah, ah.

It's sherbet.

[COUGHS]

Think of her as your child.

This precious little life, those eyes,

staring up at you, so full of love,

her mouth puckered around your teat.

I'm holding each and every one of you personally responsible for her.

So when was the last time anyone actually saw Abby?

Er, couple of days ago I saw her leaving the bar with some girl.

And no one's seen her since?

This other girl, do you know her?

I think I know which block she lives in.

What's the plan?

Well, we ring the doorbell and when she answers the door,

we ask her if she knows where Abby is.

That could work.

[GIRL MOANING LOUDLY]

[MOANING IN ECSTASY]

Morning.

Who the fuck are you?

Everyone, this is Laura. Laura, this is everyone.

-Hi. -Hello.

-Hi, Laura. -You all right?

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

# The city breathing The people churning

# The conversating The price is what?

# The conversating This place is heaven

# And if you see them They're saying what? #

All this time, I've been searching for something, a connection.

All those random guys, and cocks.

And all they did was make me feel even more empty inside.

With Laura it's different, she makes me feel complete.

So that's the big mystery solved then? You're a lesbian.

Hi. I'm Abby. And I'm a lesbian.

Well done.

Oh!

Are you and the big guy,

are you still involved? Romantically?

No. We never were. Never were.

You shouldn't give yourself up so easily.

Okay.

[CLICKING TONGUE] What do you say?

Thank you.

Shit.

Who's he?

Boyfriend, ex-boyfriend.

Does he know about the "ex" bit?

Everything's happened so fast.

ROB: Where you been?

Hmm? Why aren't you answering your phone?

-Who's she? -Hiya. I'm Abby the lesbian.

I'm her new girlfriend. You've been dumped.

What the fuck is going on? Since when were you a lesbian?

I'm not. It's her.

I've never felt this way about a girl before.

I love you.

How weird is that? I love her.

[GASPS]

You stupid bitch.

You're scaring me.

You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you!

Scary's here. He's under the bed.

LAURA: Abby?

Are you all right?

You must think I'm a total psycho.

He was going to hurt you. You were scared. I had to protect you.

You made me feel safe.

I liked it.

You make me feel safe.

Scary's coming for me.

Don't be scared. I won't let him hurt you.

I promise.

Scary's coming.

Huh? What?

Scary's coming.

What? How did you know about Scary?

I'm having these flashbacks.

There's this girl and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey.

I think it's you.

Well, who's Scary?

When I was a little girl, that's the name that I gave to the bogeyman.

There's another little girl.

If I'm remembering it, it must be me, right?

We must have been friends when we were little.

There's only one other person who knows about Scary.

Yeah, that's me. I'm her.

You can't be. She didn't exist.

She was my imaginary friend.

What was her name?

It was Abby, wasn't it?

What the fuck is going on?

Were you in that weird freaky mysterious storm?

Erm...

I thought I was a lesbian with acute memory loss,

but I think I might be your imaginary friend brought to life.

Er, you should probably stop going down on me.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

I found out who I am. Guess what? I'm imaginary.

What?

So you find out she's imaginary and you squeeze her breast?

Look, it just... It seemed like the only logical thing to do given the circumstances.

-I am a creature of instinct, aren't I? -What, so...

So, "If in doubt, squeeze breast." Abby is confused and upset.

Yeah, and what's Jess supposed to think, dude?

You're touching up girls right in front of her.

Shut up! Why would I...

Why would I care what Jess thinks?

'Cause I don't, I fucking don't.

I do not care, not even a little bit, so just shush.

Why can't you just admit you like her?

For the love of God! Can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh?

# I...

You've discovered my little secret.

Sit. I won't ask you again.

Such a beautiful instrument.

Elton John seems to like them. Er, pianos, he likes the pianos, doesn't he?

So do I.

Closer.

Relax. Loosen your wrist.

It's loose, it's loose.

# The power of love

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

Sing.

Sing.

# The power of love A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

-Beautiful. -Thank you.

# This time we go sublime

# Lovers entwine Divine divine

# Love is danger

# Love is pleasure

# Love is pure The only treasure

# I'm so in love with you

# Purge the soul #

I have to, I have to... I have to go.

[STAMMERS] I have, I have herpes.

Shit, I've said it, it's out there.

So I'm gonna... I really should go just to take me medication.

Hiya.

If you've come to feel my tit, I'm not really in the mood.

No, no, no, it's not... I'm, I'm the other one. I'm Rudy Too.

Look, it's just that I remember when I was first created,

you know, you have all these questions spinning round your head.

You know, what's my place in the world? Am I a person in my own right?

Will I ever know true love, sort of thing?

What did you do?

Well, Rudy One told me to stop being such a vagina.

Only he didn't say "vagina".

I bottled everything up,

and I thought I could fix it with anxiety medication

and sleeping pills and stuff.

But then I found somewhere I could go and...

It's like a support group, you know for people like us, me and you.

People with powers, you know.

And nobody judges you. We all just sit and listen, so...

You can't, you can't tell Rudy One where I am. He thinks I'm doing the laundry.

I do the service wash.

But you should come.

Or definitely think about it, you know.

Hmm.

-You're nice. -Oh...

What's up with you?

I think the probation worker fancies me.

Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!

I'm serious. I, I think he's in love with me.

You should see the way he looks at me with his... With his hungry eyes.

Does he look at you like this?

'Cause this is me thinking that you're a little twat, so...

Am I? Yeah, well he gave me a finger of his Kit Kat.

Oh, dear God!

Just snapped it off.

Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.

You don't understand...

Come on, really?

You take the finger of the Kit Kat, you insert it up your anus,

you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times.

It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know,

when children were allowed to be bloody children.

Thank you very much, judgy.

I smelt it. And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or

it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.

So what did you do with it?

I ate it.

-Oh, fuck, mate. -Ugh.

[CHILD LAURA] Scary's coming.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Ex-boyfriend. What are you doing here?

Laura asked me to come round.

She don't want to see you, all right? Just, just go.

But she can't not see me. She created me.

I know who you are. She told me everything.

Just stay away from her.

What are you gonna do about that?

Laura! Laura!

Laura! You can't do this!

I bought you a Swingball!

You love Swingball. Laura!

-Hi. -What're you doing?

I climbed in through the window. I was gonna wait until you had your wee.

If it's a shit, I'll, I'll wait outside.

No, it's just a wee.

Why don't you want to see me?

You're not real.

I am fucking real.

It's too weird.

It's too...

[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN]

See? I'm as real as you are.

ROB: Laura, who are you talking to?

You're crazy.

I'm how you made me. You wanted me.

-Laura! Open the door! -I don't want you here.

-You made me. -Laura!

Just go, go!

If I don't have you, I don't have anybody, please...

Rob, no!

Fuck off!

You've cut me!

You stay away from me. Stay away from me.

Hi.

Have you been drinking? Is that allowed?

It's the magic hour.

I am no longer your probation worker,

you are no longer on community service.

We're just two people with hopes

and dreams...

# I

# Feels like fire

# I'm so in love with you

You got it all wrong. I'm not gay.

I look gay. But... But I'm not.

It's probably because I'm petite. Some would say dangerously boyish.

# Lovers entwine Divine divine

We are not lovers! There is no entwine divine divine!

# Love is danger Love is pleasure #

Love is losing your job and your pension. Think... Think about that.

What?

I am so full of love.

I won't hide it any more.

I can't.

It's seeping out of me,

out of my pores.

And it's... It's beautiful.

It's pure.

Smell my love.

Fuck off!

Are you okay?

Jess?

It's me. I'm at the Community Centre. And there's a situation.

So we're gonna need your car to move the situation.

Call me.

What the... Finlay!

What the fuck? What've you done?

Nothing.

Did you kill the probation worker?

No.

And yes.

It was self-defence.

I told you he fancied me. But did youse listen? No.

This is all on you.

-What? -No, it isn't.

Some of it's on you.

Not really.

A little bit.

No.

So er...

Do you want to say a few words?

Er...

Thanks for the memories.

[LOUD GRUNT]

[ALL SCREAMING]

-[YELPING] -What're you doing!

I'm fucking panicking aren't I, Finlay!

Jesus, so you didn't check for a pulse, then?

I'm not a doctor!

Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGING]

Jess?

I've found the situation. Where are you?

I'm sitting on the situation.

Which situation are you talking about?

The probation worker situation. Which situation are you talking about?

The Abby situation. What's the probation worker situation?

He tried to fuck me, so I accidentally killed him.

Well, at least I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy

hit him with a spade and now he might actually be dead.

No, he isn't!

He's alive! He's alive again. He's alive again!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

What's the Abby situation?

She's taken an overdose.

Well, is she okay?

She's alive.

FINN: Right. Good. Well, that's a start. Erm...

You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.

Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Er, bye. Bye.

Okay.

[ABBY RETCHING]

Right.

So he wakes up and thinks he's crashed the car drink driving.

-Hmm. -That could work.

We should get his cock out.

Any particular reason? Or did you just want to give it an airing?

For the comedy, innit? You know, it's always for, come on, for the comedy.

It works for me.

Oh, it's really warm.

[GRUNTING]

Adios! Amigo.

What?

Fuckin' hit me in the face.

[LOUD CRASHING]

That's my fucking car!

Shit.

Rob?

Rob, is that you?

Hello?

[CLEARING THROAT]

I'm not sure exactly what happened yesterday,

but erm...

If I behaved at all inappropriately, then I apologise.

Apology accepted.

I don't think it would benefit either of us if, you know,

we were to mention it to anyone else.

Your secret's safe with me.

Let me get one thing straight. I do not have a secret!

Mate, I was talking about me. My secret.

What's your secret?

I pick me teeth.

You disgust me.

I've spent my whole life running away from trouble.

Bullies at school, hard kids on the estate.

Sometimes they caught up with me.

They kicked the shit out of me.

Now I can fly away.

There's no way they can catch me.

I thought it would feel great, but it doesn't.

I'm still running scared, now I'm just flying scared.

I hate myself for it.

It shouldn't be like that.

What if there's another way?

Does this other way involve getting the shit kicked out of me?

Sometimes.

But anything's gotta be better than being so damned scared all the time.

Oh!

Oh, excuse... No, excuse...

Excuse me!

Hello?

Where are you going now?

I'm getting my car repaired 'cause someone crashed into it.

Right, right. Well, enjoy.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, listen. Seriously, if you want to use our room,

you wanna have a talk or just sat on each other's faces,

or talk while you're sat on each other's faces. [CHUCKLES]

I've been known to recite poetry.

"Should I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and temperate."

You're laughing at that?

I am allowed to laugh.

See you tomorrow.

-Okay. -See ya.

Women are a fucking mystery. I mean even their genitalia's mysterious,

what with all the little different crevices and folds...

Different compartments, just...

You know, sometimes I wonder whether there's stuff up there

that they're just not telling us about.

What, so suddenly I exist again. I'm real?

It's not like that.

When I was a little girl, we played together every day.

And at night, when I was alone

and scared,

you were always there.

My parents didn't give a shit about me. They were just too busy fighting each other.

You were like my best friend.

But it was more than that.

It was like you were a part of me.

I freaked out.

But I never meant to hurt you.

Well, you did.

It was like meeting God, my creator, and suddenly my whole life makes sense.

And then God looks at you and he calls you a cunt

and tells you to go fuck yourself.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Jesus. Look at my teeth.

Oh, look at Mr Pickles.

It's really weird how those pirates came in at night and stole him.

I'm pretty sure my parents were lying about that.

That he died.

They didn't want me to be upset.

Right. That makes sense.

I need a wee.

Okay.

[MR BLOBBYPLAYING ON STEREO]

[STAY ANOTHER DAYPLAYING]

[SINGING ALONG TO THE SONG]

[SHRIEKING]

Someone bloody attacked me!

It's scary.

Go.

He's gonna kill us.

I'm here, okay?

[SCREAMING]

Laura!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[SCREAMING] Abby! Abby! Abby! Abby!

Hey! Scary!

[GASPS]

[MOANING]

I've got to go.

Don't go. Stay.

Scary's dead. You don't need me to protect you any more.

It was never just about that.

You were right. It's like going down on your mum... Or your sister at least.

Maybe your favourite aunt.

Right.

I got to go to community service.

I'm really glad I made you.

Me too.

Your money and your phone! Now!

Sure... [STAMMERS] Don't hurt me, I've, I've got it...

Argh!

[SCREAMING]

[WAILING]

Whoa! No, no, no, no, no!

I need to talk to ya!

It's about a jumper!

Rudy Too's buggered off and left me.

You all right, mate? How you doing?

Oh, shit.

It's him!

Jesus Christ, the man's a fucking vegetable!

He's not some random old man.

He's Rudy Too and he's a part of you.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Is that me?

I think so.

Who's that on top of the building?

-I don't know. -It's you.

D'you know what, if I wasn't such a total fuck-up,

I'd probably ask you out for a drink.