Original subtitles

[??]

- Girl, yes, I got the ambulance on speed dial

in case one of them members fall out from a stroke!

Okay, look, I got this!

See you when you get here. Okay, bye!

- Them geri-hogs is wild!

Woohoo-hoo!

I think they in there trying to limbo.

- Well, why don't you know for sure?

- Because there's a lot of gettin' low

but not a lot of gettin' back up!

[They Laugh]

- See, baby, I've seen enough Life Alarm commercials

to know we should be concerned. I'm just saying.

- Why do they always use the same woman on all the commercials?

- Because she's a serial slipper.

- Okay, two-for-two!

- Slip, slip, slip!

- Oh babe, before I forget, I scheduled a playdate

for Jordan later today.

- Playdate? Shoot, back in my day, we just played outside

until the street lights came on.

- Or until the dog catcher took you home.

- Oh, shut up! - Oh, here!

Get on, get on here!

Sit down!

- I need you at the playdate today.

- Well, baby, you look much better dressed up

as a princess than I do.

- Ooh, please tell me that you've got evidence

of Princess 'Fonso!

- Uh, no she does not, okay?

We don't have hidden cameras on our house. Mnh-mnh!

[Both Mouthing]

Why, baby?

- Honey, because her parents are coming over, too.

We need to make sure they're normal people.

You know, the apple don't fall too far from the tree.

- Oh, I beg to differ.

I am nothing like my daddy.

- Speaking of Henry, where is my good friend?

I want to thank him for letting me host

our biker's club meeting here.

- Yeah, yeah. He, uh, he back on tour with his band.

- Yeah, they called it the,

"I Think We Still Got It: Pre-Dementia Tour".

- Man, he was so good at playing that saxophone

that when he blew, it felt like the gates of Heaven opened right on up.

- And when he bounced and hopped on that cold train to Hell,

whole different story!

Whole different s-

Uh, but we proud of him, we're proud of him!

We're proud of him.

- Alright, doggone it!

Who the hell parked they dirty death-on-wheels in my space?

I had to circle the block

and then park in a loading zone.

You know I'ma cuss him out when I find out who-

- Oh, my God!

Look at you! You still look the same as you did back in the day!

- Daniel James!

[Lucille Laughs]

How the hell are you?

- Hey look, if I was any better, I'd be you, Lulu!

And by the way, that's my dirty hog out there.

Don't mean to cause any trouble.

- [laughs] Well, in that case,

welcome to Lucille's!

Now, as you know, I am Lucille,

and this is my place,

and everyone here answers to me.

- The hell we do!

- How about I make it up to you with a date?

Say tonight?

- Ooh, you might wanna be careful, Mr. Dan.

That cougar got claws!

- I'm willing to take that risk.

- Auntie, your car gettin' towed!

- Hush up, girl!

Can't you see Auntie trying to get a tune up?

[??]

- Why do we have to hang out with these people?

Like Drake said: No new friends, baby. We old!

- It's only for a couple of hours, Alfonso!

Besides, we need to be polite since the kids are friends.

Think of Jordan.

[Doorbell Rings]

- Leah's here, Leah's here!

- Okay, baby, I got it.

Ahem!

- Hello! - Hi!

- Ah, Leah! - Ah, Jordan!

- Come on, Leah! Let's go to my room and play with my dolls!

- Mom, Dad, can I go to Jordan's room?

- Absolutely! Go right ahead, sweetheart.

- Come on!

- Ah...

Well...

- So...

- Well... - Well, well!

- ? Well, well, well!

? Well, well. ? This is awkward!

- Mm-hmm.

[??]

this blind juggler lost control of his chainsaw!

I mean, it hit right in front of Dorothy!

Woodchips were flying at my wife left and right!

Everywhere! - Really?

Well, what happened next?

- The handsome EMTs had to carry me out

but I got me a little mouth-to-mouth

before they took me all the way!

[She Laughs]

[He Laughs]

- So, as a "sorry-for-almost killing-your-wife" gift,

they gave us season tickets for the rest of the year.

- We need to get clients like that!

- Okay!

- Well, listen. You guys should go with us next time!

- Yes! - Yes!

- Sign me up.

- Yeah, yeah, Alfonso. You play golf?

[He Laughs]

- I've been playing for years!

- You know what?

We need to hit the course some time.

Listen, I am a member of the Solo Blanco Club.

- No, you not. - I am.

- The Solo Blanco?! - That's what I said.

- I can never get on there!

- It's a done deal.

- Aw, psh!

[He Laughs Loudly]

You know what? I'd love to,

but my shoulder been acting up!

- Dah! - I haven't been able to swing a club.

- Unacceptable!

You know, Dorothy and I,

we run an herbal supplement company.

We have a drink that is great for muscle recovery.

I use it myself.

- Oh!

You know what? I have some with us right now.

Would you like to try it?

- See?

- What's in it?

- Oh, all-natural ingredients. - Yeah.

- Ashwagandha, turmeric, ginger, baby blood...

- Ah, she's kidding.

There's no ginger.

[He Laughs]

- Woo-woo! Woohoo-hoo!

What?

- Greased Lightning, you okay?

- Oh, of course I'm okay!

I just got a little carried away

shifting Dan's gears into overdrive!

[Imitates Motorcycle]

That horse got some power, baby!

- Oh, my. - [She Sighs Loudly]

[??]

- Hoo!

[He Laughs]

Ooh, I gotta admit, bae.

Shoulder's feeling much better,

I think that herbal drink really works!

- Ooh, that's good, baby!

You know, John and Dorothy are such nice people.

- We should do a double date.

- Have we just found our couple?

- I think so!

[Both Grunting]

- You're just too much!

- Well, what can I say, what can I say?

- Oh, oh, employees?

Listen up, employees!

Listen up.

I know you're all dying to hear about my man.

Oh, I've been hearing the whispers and the rumors.

"Oh, look at Lucille!

"I think she's joined a cult!" Et cetera, et cetera.

But now listen.

Meet the incredibly handsome and strong Dan!

- Oh, come on, baby, they already know.

- We know Dan.

He hosted the biker event here last week.

- I sure did. - Okay, okay.

But now,

I'm introducing Dan as my new boo thang,

[laughs] so show some respect!

- Ooh! - Okay, boo thang.

- Okay! - Okay, boo thang!

- Dan, uh, so what is it that you do for a living?

- Well, I kind of run this kind of-

- Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,

I see what you're trying to do, little girl.

Cozying up to my man, you better back up!

- I'ma do the talking up in here!

- Oh, okay, okay.

- Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Dan was the CEO of a major hair plug company,

but then he decided to retire early...

- Okay. - ..and live for himself.

- Okay, Dan!

- Look, that's true.

Come on, baby, we better go before we're late for that early bird special.

And you know how I get at it.

Somebody sitting in our seats,

I may have to ruffle their feathers now.

- Ooh, ruffle their feathers!

- Ooh, isn't he strong?

Take me away, Dan.

Take me away, baby!

- Yeah, you know how I do it!

[Dan And Lucille Cavorting]

- Yeah, but don't you think that Auntie's moving

just a little too fast with this guy?

- Uh, no, 'cause she operating on borrowed time.

- That's what I'm talking about, Mia!

Okay, first time we ever agreed on something, girl!

First time!

Don't you mess this up for me, girl!

Uh-huh, the way they moving,

she might be out the house by next week!

- Salutations, everyone!

- Salutations, John!

What are you doing here?

- I just came to check on your shoulder.

- Oh, man, I gotta tell you right now.

- Huh, huh?

It really works!

- Hmm, yeah?

[Both Laughing]

Great, great.

Listen, man. Um,

I was wondering, would you consider

renting out your space for our meeting?

We lost our reservation at a hotel nearby last minute.

They said they double booked.

I'm sure you never experienced anything like that.

- Never, never! - Oh, no, no!

- And we'd love to accommodate you.

- Great! Well, you know what?

You two should join our meeting!

We're introducing a new flavor.

- Wouldn't miss it! - Ha-ha!

- Wouldn't miss it. - Oh, uh, Mia!

She'll take care of you, she'll get all of your information.

If you need anything, just let her know.

- Alright, alright.

Well, uh, I know it's last minute...

- Welcome, everyone, to another transformative gathering

of our Immortali-Tea family.

- Hello! - Anybody out there?

[Dorothy Laughs]

- New members, raise your hands.

- Raise 'em high! - Raise 'em high!

Raise 'em high, we see you, hello, hello!

Welcome, welcome! - Nice.

- You hold in your hand

the key to a new beginning.

This is our latest blend,

"Enlyten-Mint"! [She Laughs]

Crafted specifically to elevate your mind,

your body, and your spirit!

[Ethereal Music Playing]

- Let's all drink together, shall we?

- Yes, taste it!

[All Chanting] Taste it! Taste it!

Taste it! Taste it!

[Dorothy] Taste it! [Chanting Continues]

Taste it!

I'm tasting it. [John] Yes!

[All Cheering]

- And now that we have shared that moment of "Enlyten-Mint",

it's time for our testimonials.

- Yes, yes! Why don't we hear how

Immortali-Tea has changed lives, healed bodies,

and brought us closer to our celestial selves.

Anyone, anyone?

Oh, hello there. Go right ahead!

- Immortali-Tea has changed my life.

- Alright. - I admit,

I used to be on that stuff.

- Mnh-mnh.

Oh!

- But now, I'm on this stuff.

- Yeah! - Okay, alright!

Alright, alright!

Yes, she is!

- And my life has never been better.

I got my family back, y'all!

- Alright now!

- Woo! - Say it, say it!

- I really didn't want my family back-

- Okay, okay, healed one, healed one!

Oh, healed one? Thank you!

- Yep. - Healed one, give her the love!

Give her the love, give her the love!

[Dorothy Laughs] Yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Baby, baby, are you sure we ain't in no Jim Jones-

Baby, there's baby oil over there! It scares me-

- Alfonso.

- Uh, excuse me, we got Kool-Aid in the lobby.

- Okay, I have just got this call,

I gotta do that- - Alfonso!

- I'll be in the office, baby! - Is there anyone else?

Anyone, someone?

Okay, right here, yes. - There you go.

- As you can see, I've got my hair back!

- Oh, oh! - Yes!

And now it's growing in places that I don't know if it should!

- You said what now?

- Would you like to see it?

Bear witness! - No-no-no-no-no!

No-no-no-no-no!

That's not necessary!

Have a seat, please.

Uh, thank you! - Kim?

- Oh... - Kim, Kim!

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim! [Dorothy Laughs]

Where is Alfonso?

I understand that this Immortali-Tea also helped him

heal his shoulder!

- Oh, yes, uh, he had a phone call in the back.

But the drink really helped him! Oh, it was great!

- Please, come up here. Come on up!

Come forward, introduce yourself.

- We insist! - Bring her, bring her up here!

Bring her up here!

- Okay...

Uh, hi! Uh, I'm Kim.

[All] Kimmmmm!

[Still Sustaining "Kim"]

[??]

- Have you heard about Immortali-Tea?

- Girl, that sound like a conspiracy theory!

- Uh, not exactly.

It's an herbal drink with healing properties.

- Well, you know girl back in the day, if you had an ailment,

you just took some Tussin and walked it off.

- Oh, well no, this is different.

People are feeling more energized and healthy, grrr!

- When my energy is low,

I just get myself a nice, good cup of joe.

- Oh, that is so great Mildred,

but Immortali-Tea, you-

- Wait, did I tell you about this

fine, hot, sweaty barista I met in Venice?

Girl, he is trulygrande...

[Upbeat Energetic Music]

- Alright, you could've filled that up to the rim though...

[Phone Ringing]

- Hey, Kim boo!

- Girl, I am calling about Immortali-Tea!

Have you heard about that drink?

- Girl, yeah, I'm out having drinks too, ha!

- Oh, no, no, not those drinks.

It's a herbal drink with health benefits!

- How you know I'm looking for friends with benefits?

You been going through my phone?

- What?! No, no, no-no-no-no.

It's a healing drink that helped Alfonso's pain leave!

- You about to leave Alfonso?

Girl, I never liked him for you anyway, ha-ha!

- No, I'm offering samples of the tea!

- Go on, spill the tea, girl!

- What, you done caught him cheating?

Girl, good 'cause I-

- You know what, girl? I'll just text you.

[She Sighs]

Oh, Auntie!

Uh, I don't...

I got...

- Ah!

Oh, Alfonso, thank goodness!

I need your help, g-give me your phone!

[He Tuts] - For what?!

- Because I need to call your contacts

to see if maybe they want to buy this Immortali-Tea.

- Oh, absolutely not!

- Well, I called everyone I know!

- Why did you even sign us up for this crap?

- I don't know, I don't know!

One minute, I'm at the presentation.

And the next thing I know, there's 20 boxes of product at our front door!

Plus, it works! I mean, your shoulder is better.

This product can heal people!

- Oh, see? It's locking up on me!

It's starting to, it's ticking on me!

It's ticking on me!

- You just, you need more, drink this, drink it!

- You better, rebuke you, Satan!

- It's on the house!

- Yeah, my house!

- I bought this product, and I need to move it!

- Okay, La Chapa.

Okay, what you trying to start, digging tunnels, baby?

[Doorbell Rings]

- Let this be a-

[??]

[He Snores]

[Loud Crashing Sound]

[Alarm Blaring]

Alfonso, wake up!

Somebody's in the house!

- Go, go, go check it out!

- Oh no, you get up, you're the man!

- What about equality?

- Get up!

[He Grumbles]

Alright!

Somebody want all the smoke!

Not tonight...

[He Mumbles]

- I'm coming with you!

Mine's bigger!

- Size doesn't matter, it's how you...

- Go! [He Grumbles]

[Alarm Stops]

- Why is the alarm set?!

- Ooh! - We thought you were asleep!

- Close call there, Auntie!

It is way too late for you to be out,

you fifty-eleven years old!

- Ha! Look, I'm a grown-ass woman.

And you lower your voice when you talking to me!

I can do whatever I want.

[She Laughs]

I'm a Golden Gears girl!

- See? No, no, it's gone too far.

This has gone too far!

Auntie, a biker gang?

- Wait, wait, first of all, how dare you?

It is not a gang, it's a club!

- The only club you should've been worried about was that one 'cause-

- Wait a minute! - That was about to take your life!

[Both Arguing]

[??]

[Doorbell Rings]

- Okay...

- Kim!

- Ah, how's our newest member?

- Oh, you know, doing great!

Just, uh, shipping out these orders left and right!

Pew, pew!

[They Laugh]

[Case Thuds] - Well!

We rushed over here

to talk to you about some exciting opportunities

to take your investment to the next level!

- Oh, next level?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh yeah, well there's levels to this.

There's Silver, Gold, Platinum, and Obsidian!

And once you get to Obsidian,

well, there's no way out.

And why would you want to get out?

It's wonderful there! There's luxury cars,

and benefits and plane tickets, everything!

- You see, at the platinum level,

you no longer have to make cold calls.

You let your minions do that!

You see at the Obsidian level,

you just sit back and make money in your sleep!

- Wow, that sounds amazing

but how do you get to the Obsidian level?

- Well, you get to the silver,

and then you start your own team and you sign people up,

like you're doing now, but you can surpass all that

and jump right to Obsidian!

- Yes. - Oh!

- Well, all you have to do is make a sizable donation to the company,

and it's not just an investment in the company.

It's an investment in yourself! - Oh, right, right!

Now, of course, that's after you sell all of this first.

You gotta get rid of all of this!

- Oh, I can't take this anymore!

I can't do it! I can't do it.

I've called everybody I know, and nobody is buying!

I can't even give this away!

And this stuff tastes like sewage juice,

it gave me explosive diarrhea!

- Oh, what?

- [laughs] Oh, darling!

It's part of the purging process.

It's what you have to do to get to the next level.

Yeah, you have to push it,

[together] and push it,

and push it! - Real good, ah!

- Mm-hmm.

I've had it!

- Uh-

- Okay, I haven't had explosive diarrhea,

but I haven't been able to use the bathroom for three days.

See, see, baby, this is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

- Yo... - No-no-no-no,

and what I'm not going to allow

is you to come up in here

and scam my wife!

We don't play that. - How dare you?

- I beg your pardon. - This is not a scam.

This is a legitimate business opportunity!

- Oh, so what do you call convincing people

to buy tons of product you know they can't sell?

- Alfonso.

'Fonso!

Man, we are just trying to help you and Kim

reach your full potential.

- Look, I know the game, okay?

I know the game!

So, but look here.

We can be friends,

but business is out.

- He said, "Friends"!

[Both Laughing]

- Friends?!

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

- No, no. - Uh-uh, uh-uh!

- Once you're out, we can no longer be friends.

It's a cardinal sin. - Yeah.

You know what, sweetheart? I'm bored.

I'm gonna go, yeah...

- Wait, wait, that's it?

I mean, our daughters can still be friends, right?

[He Laughs]

- That's not our daughter.

[He Laughs]

- Let them be poor!

- Let them be poor!

- Hi-yah!

Is that girl upstairs?

[??]

Dan is late picking me up,

and I have something important to tell him.

- Ooh, let me find out you pregnant!

What? You said it was important.

- Auntie, don't you think this biker phase is getting out of hand?

I talked to Daddy, and he said Dan is known to-

- Ah-ah-ah, mind your business.

For the first time in years,

I'm excited.

I look forward to getting up every morning.

How's that so out of hand?

Are you jealous of me?!

- Okay! - What?

[Door Slams]

- Dan, baby, where have you been?!

- I'm sorry, sweet thing. Took a little time revving on my engine.

- Well, listen.

I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level.

Let's move in together.

Your place, not mine, 'cause I don't actually have a place

but, you know...

- Wait-wait-wait-wait, hold on, baby. You know I'm a wild hog.

And you know I got to be free!

- Well, I want to be free with you, Dan!

- Aw, honey, listen to me!

Baby hold on, hold on!

Lulu!

- What? - Damn!

I'm only here for a good time,

not a long time.

That kiss is for you.

I'll see y'all later.

- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

- What did you say your dad said Dan was known for?

- One last ride!

Gimme that horsepower, baby!

[Imitating Motorcycle]

- No! - Auntie, no!

- I'm sorry for pushing those products on everyone.

I got a little carried away.

- Ha! You think?

But I'm sorry, too.

I moved too fast with Dan.

And to say I'm sorry just doesn't seem to be enough.

So, I convinced every member of the Golden Gears

to buy that voodoo drink of yours

as a little gesture of apology from Auntie.

- That's impressive, Auntie!

- Well, what can I say?

I'm pretty good at convincing people

except when it comes to loving me!

- Aw! Oh... - Oh, Auntie!

No, you're gonna find love again.

You know, Dan was just a rollin' stone.

Or should I say rolling wheel?

[Doorbell Rings]

- ? Hell no! ?

Mnh-mnh, Kim!

I thought you said we was done with this scam stuff.

- I am! - This better not be...

Not one box better come through here!

- Hoo!

- Hey, family!

I just joined this new innovative marketing company.

[giggles] Here, I brought y'all some samples!

It's called Electro-Might, it'll get you right!

Pass it out, pass it out!

- Go get your friend!

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