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1
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:22,734
I now call this meeting
of NO MA'AM to order.
2
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,900
In honor of brother Griff's
one-year anniversary...
3
00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:28,066
...as a member of NO MA'AM...
4
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:31,367
...we must now think of a practical joke
to play on him.
5
00:01:31,433 --> 00:01:34,200
I don't remember anybody
pulling a practical joke on me.
6
00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:37,300
Remember on the expressway
when your brakes failed...
7
00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:39,133
...and you almost died?
8
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,500
That was us.
9
00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:49,066
All right, gentlemen, gentlemen.
10
00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:51,066
Brother Dan, it was your job...
11
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:53,567
...to keep brother Griff
away from tonight's meeting.
12
00:01:53,633 --> 00:01:56,734
I don't remember anybody keeping me
away from any meeting.
13
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,967
Remember when Dan accidentally
shot you in the back...
14
00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:04,734
...and you were hospitalized
for seven weeks?
15
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,400
That was us.
16
00:02:10,333 --> 00:02:12,467
Good one, guys.
17
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,233
So what did you do to Griff?
18
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:17,166
-Oh, I just had him arrested.
-What's the charge?
19
00:02:17,834 --> 00:02:20,834
Indecent exposure, murder,
cannibalism.
20
00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:25,734
Great work, brother Dan.
21
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,333
And that'll give us a lot of time
to think of a great joke to play on him.
22
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:34,066
Now, I think it's only fitting
that the joke come from me...
23
00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:36,467
...since I am
the king of practical jokes.
24
00:02:36,533 --> 00:02:38,266
No, I'm the king.
25
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:42,367
Wearing a quilted robe
and sitting on a throne all day...
26
00:02:42,433 --> 00:02:44,467
...doesn't make you a king.
27
00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:49,200
I say we have 10 pizzas sent
to brother Griff's apartment.
28
00:02:49,266 --> 00:02:51,667
How does he do it?
29
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:57,233
I say that we hire a cross-dresser
to pick up Griff...
30
00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:00,633
...and seduce him
while we get it on tape.
31
00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:05,100
That doesn't compare to pizzas.
32
00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:07,567
All those who are in favor
of my practical joke?
33
00:03:09,066 --> 00:03:12,333
-All those in favor of mine?
-Yeah!
34
00:03:13,266 --> 00:03:16,734
Well, Al, I guess it's obvious
where we go from here.
35
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,567
Yes, it is. You know what? Get the hell
out of my house! Meeting is adjourned.
36
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,033
-Sore loser.
-Anyway....
37
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:26,433
Oh, well. I guess I better
go spring Griff from jail.
38
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,867
Well, it's doughnut night
at the nudie bar.
39
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:31,934
Every hooter is either glazed
or jelly-filled.
40
00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,533
Griff can wait.
41
00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:40,500
I was robbed.
My pizza joke was better.
42
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:44,767
Yeah, yeah. You're right, Al.
You the man. Let's shake on it.
43
00:03:46,467 --> 00:03:48,000
I gotcha!
44
00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:54,300
You got me, buddy. You're right.
You're the king of practical jokes.
45
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,433
-Nuts?
-Oh, thanks.
46
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,166
Gotcha!
47
00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:02,433
Okay. Okay, Al.
48
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,433
I challenge you to a duel.
49
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,500
May the best joker win.
50
00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:10,867
Let's rock.
51
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:15,734
This news bulletin just in.
52
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,834
The Chicago Cannibal has been
arraigned for over 100 murders.
53
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,967
The cannibal, shown in this picture...
54
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,166
...says he's innocent,
claiming there is no evidence.
55
00:04:29,233 --> 00:04:33,500
The DA responded by saying,
"evidence, schmevidence."
56
00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:38,133
Hey, Bud. Guess who's been arrested
for eating people?
57
00:04:39,266 --> 00:04:40,867
Who, Tommy Lasorda?
58
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:46,266
Listen, Kelly, can you please explain
to me the outgoing message...
59
00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:47,934
...on our new answering machine?
60
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:52,300
Hi, you've reached Kelly.
Please leave a message at the tone.
61
00:04:52,367 --> 00:04:55,667
If you're a girl calling for Bud,
hi, Mom!
62
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,533
That's not very funny
to me anymore--
63
00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:07,700
You should see what I just did.
64
00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:11,600
I just had 10 pizzas sent
to Jefferson's house.
65
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:16,467
I am the king of practical jokes.
66
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,533
Oh, my God. It's Webster!
67
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,567
-Webster! Webster!
-Oh, my God!
68
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,633
I don't think so.
69
00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:46,266
Al Bundy, I was sent here
from Publishers Sweepstakes...
70
00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:49,633
...and you've just won $10 million!
71
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:54,467
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
72
00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:59,567
And your mother's not here
to share our joy.
73
00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:02,800
-Could life be any better?
-No!
74
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,734
Oh, what's going on?
75
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,333
Urkel here just gave me
10 million bucks.
76
00:06:11,266 --> 00:06:14,066
Congratulations. What are you
gonna do with all the money?
77
00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:17,033
I'm gonna quit my job,
burn down this house...
78
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,800
...and live out my days
on Hooter Island.
79
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:25,100
Well, on an occasion like this,
there's only one thing to say:
80
00:06:25,166 --> 00:06:27,100
Gotcha!
81
00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:39,867
All right, cannibal,
we know you ate those people.
82
00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:41,233
Now confess!
83
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,266
I haven't eaten anyone!
84
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:49,767
I don't even like ribs.
85
00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:55,000
Call my ex-wife.
86
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,233
We did.
She said she once caught you...
87
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,800
...pouring chocolate syrup
on her best friend.
88
00:07:04,233 --> 00:07:07,033
That wasn't cannibalism,
that was adultery.
89
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:12,934
Look. Let me call my friend Al.
He'll prove I'm innocent.
90
00:07:16,367 --> 00:07:19,867
And will you please stop erasing
the messages before I hear them...
91
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:22,133
...you human futon.
92
00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:28,066
Bud, you didn't get any messages.
Believe me.
93
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:30,900
With my eagle ears,
I listen very carefully...
94
00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:34,834
...to each and every message
before I erase them.
95
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:39,834
Al, it's Griff. You gotta help me.
I'm in--
96
00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:46,266
Besides, Bud,
your girlfriends can't call you here.
97
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:51,166
You have to call them,
and it costs $3.95 a minute.
98
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:56,066
Kids, kids.
99
00:07:57,734 --> 00:08:01,066
I just pulled the ultimate practical joke
on Jefferson.
100
00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:04,233
What? You sent him 20 pizzas?
101
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:09,967
No, that'd be stupid. He's full.
102
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:13,800
No, I put superglue
on his toilet seat.
103
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:19,166
Oh, what kind of moron
would fall for that old gag?
104
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,066
Mark my words, Al,
as soon as I can sit down...
105
00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:33,133
...and think of something,
you will pay!
106
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:40,633
Damn it, Kelly, today I know
I had a message because....
107
00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:44,000
Because I called myself.
108
00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:51,333
Well, then you already have
a date for tonight.
109
00:08:57,233 --> 00:08:58,834
Home, sweet hell.
110
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:03,500
Kids are fighting, dog's a-biting...
111
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:10,266
...and a good-looking babe
in the kitchen cooking me dinner.
112
00:09:15,066 --> 00:09:18,166
A woman cooking me dinner? Kids?
113
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:21,633
Oh, she said
she's an old friend of Mom's.
114
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,533
What the hell did you let her in for?
115
00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:26,900
Al, I'm June Morgan.
116
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:31,533
I ran into Peggy in Barcelona, and she
told me you were all alone in Chicago.
117
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:37,233
So I thought I would come by
and fix you a gourmet dinner.
118
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:39,300
Oh, Weenie Tots.
119
00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:43,533
You know, Al, looking around...
120
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,500
...I can see several things
that could use a woman's touch.
121
00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:48,266
If you know what I mean?
122
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:54,367
With vittles as classy as these,
you can stick around...
123
00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:55,967
...and touch anything you want.
124
00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,900
Okay, I will.
125
00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:05,433
Daddy!
126
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,700
You can't let that woman
spend the night here.
127
00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:10,400
-What about Mom?
-What about her?
128
00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,533
Body's not even cold yet.
129
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,033
You've obviously never slept
with your mother.
130
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:22,367
Oh, come on, kids. Don't you get it?
June's not a friend of your mom's.
131
00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:25,500
She's all part
of Jefferson's practical joke.
132
00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:28,166
You know, like Rerun
and that phony check.
133
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,000
So you'll call Mr. D'Arcy
and tell him you're on to his joke?
134
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,633
No. I'm gonna beat him
at his own game.
135
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:39,633
Oh, you're gonna pretend to like
Mrs. D'Arcy and take all her money?
136
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:46,633
No, I'm gonna let June seduce me.
But first, we're gonna eat like royalty.
137
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:49,266
-Yeah.
-Weenie Tots. Come on, come on!
138
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,834
I didn't eat nobody.
139
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:17,600
In national news, with the capture
of the notorious Chicago Cannibal--
140
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:27,000
-Daddy, guess who's in prison?
-Unless it's Pauly Shore, I do not care.
141
00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,767
Bud, get up here.
142
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:35,533
All right, now, this is the plan.
143
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,867
When June comes down here,
she's going to try to seduce me.
144
00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:41,467
You two will be outside videotaping.
145
00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:45,066
What about--?
What about the walls, Dad?
146
00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:48,200
Because we can't shoot
through the walls.
147
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,700
Bud, you will be videotaping.
148
00:11:55,767 --> 00:12:01,000
Now, Jefferson thinks
that I will only go so far with June.
149
00:12:01,066 --> 00:12:03,066
At which point,
he will declare victory...
150
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:06,734
...and tell everyone that I'm not man
enough to cheat on my wife. Instead...
151
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,133
...I will go on the attack,
making June back up.
152
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,500
At which point,
I will declare victory...
153
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:16,734
...and proudly tell everyone that I am
man enough to cheat on my wife.
154
00:12:19,734 --> 00:12:22,333
Now, let's go get set up.
155
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,867
Come on.
156
00:12:23,934 --> 00:12:26,333
At least when I get married,
I get to change my name.
157
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:31,367
Yeah, this time you should try
to change it to one you can spell.
158
00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:40,266
Al, it's me, Peggy.
159
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,367
Honey, I just ran into June Morgan...
160
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:45,000
...an old rival of mine
from Wanker County.
161
00:12:45,066 --> 00:12:47,100
She's held a grudge
against me for years...
162
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,967
...just because I stole her fiancé
on her wedding day.
163
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:54,767
I've seen 15 Murder, She Wrotes
that started like this.
164
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,266
And get this:
165
00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:02,266
She swears she's gonna get even
by stealing you away from me.
166
00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:11,166
Alsy?
167
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,266
Can you believe it?
I forgot to pack a dress.
168
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,166
Well, we all make mistakes.
169
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,967
I forgot to ice down this six-pack
of champagne tallboys.
170
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,200
For you, my sweet.
171
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,000
What's going on?
172
00:13:42,066 --> 00:13:45,166
Well, Dad just poured
a can of champagne into his hand.
173
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,934
Oh, I've made men do that.
174
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:55,233
-Your arms, they're so strong.
-Well, I sell women's shoes.
175
00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:58,266
Yeah, I can tell.
176
00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:03,166
All right. I think we've had about
enough foreplay.
177
00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:08,433
What's happening now?
178
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,600
She's got Dad's entire face
in her mouth.
179
00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:27,000
Take me, Al.
Take me in the worst way!
180
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:30,266
That's the only way I know how.
181
00:14:35,533 --> 00:14:36,734
-June.
-What?
182
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,867
June, we-- We can't do this.
183
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:40,667
Why not?
184
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:43,033
Yeah, why not?
185
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,133
I can't let Jefferson win.
186
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,233
But he's hired someone so good,
I have to think of something...
187
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:53,367
...so horrible, so vile, so disgusting
she'll run screaming from the house.
188
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,633
I know.
189
00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,900
June, June.
190
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,133
Marry me.
191
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,600
You can't do it, can you?
192
00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:13,333
No. You're already married to Peggy.
193
00:15:13,967 --> 00:15:15,300
Was married.
194
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:19,300
Yeah, she got
a quickie Spanish divorce.
195
00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:22,967
That's why she's in Spain.
196
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:26,300
So what is your answer?
197
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:29,867
Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!
198
00:15:32,467 --> 00:15:35,500
Today's trial of the Chicago Cannibal
made history.
199
00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:40,600
In only eight minutes...
200
00:15:40,667 --> 00:15:44,200
...he was tried, convicted,
and sentenced to die tonight.
201
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,900
Well, this is great.
202
00:15:52,967 --> 00:15:55,800
Everybody's here but my best man.
Where's Griff?
203
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:57,700
Griff? Griff?
204
00:15:57,767 --> 00:15:59,867
Wasn't there something
I was supposed to do?
205
00:16:00,867 --> 00:16:03,667
Hell with it.
It's not a matter of life and death.
206
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,600
Hey, preacher man, you made it.
207
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,333
Are we lucky or what?
208
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,200
Isaac from The Love Boat
is also an ordained minister.
209
00:16:22,967 --> 00:16:27,867
And look, Free Willy
is also the dork of honor.
210
00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:32,734
Let's get this freak show
on the road.
211
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:37,834
-Hey, Jefferson.
-Hey, Al.
212
00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:40,266
How come you're not dressed
for a wedding?
213
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,767
What wedding?
214
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,166
Didn't your friend June
tell you all about it?
215
00:16:45,033 --> 00:16:47,033
If that's her real name.
216
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,934
I don't know any June.
217
00:16:51,533 --> 00:16:54,834
Of course you don't.
218
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:59,834
Hey, Ike. Ike, who's getting married?
219
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:04,533
Oh, you are good. You are real good.
220
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:40,934
We are gathered here today...
221
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,600
...to join this couple...
222
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,934
...in holy matrimony.
223
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,367
Yadda yadda yadda, June,
blah blah blah, Al...
224
00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:50,200
...blah blah blah, sight of God.
225
00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:54,667
Oh, this is so beautiful.
226
00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:59,133
I want my first wedding
to be just like it.
227
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:05,533
June, do you take Al to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
228
00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:07,934
Here it comes.
229
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,200
She'll never say "I do."
230
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:12,734
I do.
231
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,166
She do.
232
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:20,000
Al, do you take June to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
233
00:18:27,934 --> 00:18:29,800
What do you want me to say,
Jefferson?
234
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,934
You want me to say you're king?
I won't say it. I'm not gonna say it.
235
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,433
Admit that this is your little joke!
236
00:18:39,066 --> 00:18:40,934
It's not.
237
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:50,967
This is my joke.
238
00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:53,100
Hi, Al.
239
00:18:55,066 --> 00:18:56,934
-Mom!
-Mom!
240
00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:07,033
I do.
241
00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:12,133
-Who is this woman?
-She's nobody.
242
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,367
Just my wife.
Hurry up with the ring, boy!
243
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:21,100
-What is going on here?
-Well, Peg, it all started with 10 pizzas.
244
00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:22,800
Shut up, Al.
245
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:26,266
June Morgan, how dare you?
246
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,000
Well, you stole my fiancé
at the Wanker wedding hole.
247
00:19:29,066 --> 00:19:31,266
Get over it. We were 12.
248
00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:43,867
All right, here's the last
of the duty-free doodie.
249
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,700
Al, I'm gonna go hitch a winch...
250
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:52,633
...up to Mama's girdle
and twang her on out of here.
251
00:19:53,934 --> 00:19:57,166
What the hell's going on here?
252
00:19:58,033 --> 00:20:01,333
It's Jefferson's fault.
He told me I won $10 million.
253
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,700
Yeah, well, you superglued
a toilet seat to my ass.
254
00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:07,800
What's a toilet seat?
255
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,100
Didn't you get the message
I left you on the answering machine?
256
00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:14,734
What's an answering machine?
257
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,133
No, no. Nobody seems to get the
messages off that answering machine.
258
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,433
-Oh, so this is all my fault, then?
-Oh, no, honey.
259
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,867
Once again,
this is your father's fault.
260
00:20:23,934 --> 00:20:27,300
You know what you're gonna have to do
to make this up to me, don't you?
261
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:29,300
Oh, no, Peg!
262
00:20:30,867 --> 00:20:32,667
Not upstairs!
263
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:37,033
Oh, no, honey.
We're gonna do it standing up.
264
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,734
Right here in front of everyone.
265
00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:56,433
For the 37th time, Bundy, do you take
this woman to be your wife?
266
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,066
For the thirty-seventh,
-eighth and -ninth times:
267
00:21:03,133 --> 00:21:05,600
No, no, no.
268
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,734
Come on, Al. It's not like
we're really getting married.
269
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:15,333
We're just renewing our vows.
Besides, Dad's got you covered.
270
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:24,100
Just like old times, eh, Ephraim?
271
00:21:25,166 --> 00:21:28,033
Only this time, the gun is loaded.
272
00:21:32,433 --> 00:21:34,033
And so am I.
273
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,767
-Well, Bundy?
-I'm not saying it.
274
00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:42,033
The drunken hillbilly's gonna
have to kill me before I say it again.
275
00:21:43,467 --> 00:21:45,600
-Say what?
-"I do."
276
00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:48,567
-Gotcha!
-No, Peg, that doesn't count!
277
00:21:48,633 --> 00:21:50,967
Oh, Al.
21532
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