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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:22,734 I now call this meeting of NO MA'AM to order. 2 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,900 In honor of brother Griff's one-year anniversary... 3 00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:28,066 ...as a member of NO MA'AM... 4 00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:31,367 ...we must now think of a practical joke to play on him. 5 00:01:31,433 --> 00:01:34,200 I don't remember anybody pulling a practical joke on me. 6 00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:37,300 Remember on the expressway when your brakes failed... 7 00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:39,133 ...and you almost died? 8 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,500 That was us. 9 00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:49,066 All right, gentlemen, gentlemen. 10 00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:51,066 Brother Dan, it was your job... 11 00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:53,567 ...to keep brother Griff away from tonight's meeting. 12 00:01:53,633 --> 00:01:56,734 I don't remember anybody keeping me away from any meeting. 13 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,967 Remember when Dan accidentally shot you in the back... 14 00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:04,734 ...and you were hospitalized for seven weeks? 15 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,400 That was us. 16 00:02:10,333 --> 00:02:12,467 Good one, guys. 17 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,233 So what did you do to Griff? 18 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:17,166 -Oh, I just had him arrested. -What's the charge? 19 00:02:17,834 --> 00:02:20,834 Indecent exposure, murder, cannibalism. 20 00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:25,734 Great work, brother Dan. 21 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,333 And that'll give us a lot of time to think of a great joke to play on him. 22 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:34,066 Now, I think it's only fitting that the joke come from me... 23 00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:36,467 ...since I am the king of practical jokes. 24 00:02:36,533 --> 00:02:38,266 No, I'm the king. 25 00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:42,367 Wearing a quilted robe and sitting on a throne all day... 26 00:02:42,433 --> 00:02:44,467 ...doesn't make you a king. 27 00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:49,200 I say we have 10 pizzas sent to brother Griff's apartment. 28 00:02:49,266 --> 00:02:51,667 How does he do it? 29 00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:57,233 I say that we hire a cross-dresser to pick up Griff... 30 00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:00,633 ...and seduce him while we get it on tape. 31 00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:05,100 That doesn't compare to pizzas. 32 00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:07,567 All those who are in favor of my practical joke? 33 00:03:09,066 --> 00:03:12,333 -All those in favor of mine? -Yeah! 34 00:03:13,266 --> 00:03:16,734 Well, Al, I guess it's obvious where we go from here. 35 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,567 Yes, it is. You know what? Get the hell out of my house! Meeting is adjourned. 36 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,033 -Sore loser. -Anyway.... 37 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:26,433 Oh, well. I guess I better go spring Griff from jail. 38 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,867 Well, it's doughnut night at the nudie bar. 39 00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:31,934 Every hooter is either glazed or jelly-filled. 40 00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,533 Griff can wait. 41 00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:40,500 I was robbed. My pizza joke was better. 42 00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:44,767 Yeah, yeah. You're right, Al. You the man. Let's shake on it. 43 00:03:46,467 --> 00:03:48,000 I gotcha! 44 00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:54,300 You got me, buddy. You're right. You're the king of practical jokes. 45 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,433 -Nuts? -Oh, thanks. 46 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,166 Gotcha! 47 00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:02,433 Okay. Okay, Al. 48 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,433 I challenge you to a duel. 49 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,500 May the best joker win. 50 00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:10,867 Let's rock. 51 00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:15,734 This news bulletin just in. 52 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,834 The Chicago Cannibal has been arraigned for over 100 murders. 53 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,967 The cannibal, shown in this picture... 54 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,166 ...says he's innocent, claiming there is no evidence. 55 00:04:29,233 --> 00:04:33,500 The DA responded by saying, "evidence, schmevidence." 56 00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:38,133 Hey, Bud. Guess who's been arrested for eating people? 57 00:04:39,266 --> 00:04:40,867 Who, Tommy Lasorda? 58 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:46,266 Listen, Kelly, can you please explain to me the outgoing message... 59 00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:47,934 ...on our new answering machine? 60 00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:52,300 Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. 61 00:04:52,367 --> 00:04:55,667 If you're a girl calling for Bud, hi, Mom! 62 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,533 That's not very funny to me anymore-- 63 00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:07,700 You should see what I just did. 64 00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:11,600 I just had 10 pizzas sent to Jefferson's house. 65 00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:16,467 I am the king of practical jokes. 66 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,533 Oh, my God. It's Webster! 67 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,567 -Webster! Webster! -Oh, my God! 68 00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,633 I don't think so. 69 00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:46,266 Al Bundy, I was sent here from Publishers Sweepstakes... 70 00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:49,633 ...and you've just won $10 million! 71 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:54,467 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 72 00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:59,567 And your mother's not here to share our joy. 73 00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:02,800 -Could life be any better? -No! 74 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,734 Oh, what's going on? 75 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,333 Urkel here just gave me 10 million bucks. 76 00:06:11,266 --> 00:06:14,066 Congratulations. What are you gonna do with all the money? 77 00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:17,033 I'm gonna quit my job, burn down this house... 78 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,800 ...and live out my days on Hooter Island. 79 00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:25,100 Well, on an occasion like this, there's only one thing to say: 80 00:06:25,166 --> 00:06:27,100 Gotcha! 81 00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:39,867 All right, cannibal, we know you ate those people. 82 00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:41,233 Now confess! 83 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,266 I haven't eaten anyone! 84 00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:49,767 I don't even like ribs. 85 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:55,000 Call my ex-wife. 86 00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,233 We did. She said she once caught you... 87 00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,800 ...pouring chocolate syrup on her best friend. 88 00:07:04,233 --> 00:07:07,033 That wasn't cannibalism, that was adultery. 89 00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:12,934 Look. Let me call my friend Al. He'll prove I'm innocent. 90 00:07:16,367 --> 00:07:19,867 And will you please stop erasing the messages before I hear them... 91 00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:22,133 ...you human futon. 92 00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:28,066 Bud, you didn't get any messages. Believe me. 93 00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:30,900 With my eagle ears, I listen very carefully... 94 00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:34,834 ...to each and every message before I erase them. 95 00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:39,834 Al, it's Griff. You gotta help me. I'm in-- 96 00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:46,266 Besides, Bud, your girlfriends can't call you here. 97 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:51,166 You have to call them, and it costs $3.95 a minute. 98 00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:56,066 Kids, kids. 99 00:07:57,734 --> 00:08:01,066 I just pulled the ultimate practical joke on Jefferson. 100 00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:04,233 What? You sent him 20 pizzas? 101 00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:09,967 No, that'd be stupid. He's full. 102 00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:13,800 No, I put superglue on his toilet seat. 103 00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:19,166 Oh, what kind of moron would fall for that old gag? 104 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,066 Mark my words, Al, as soon as I can sit down... 105 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:33,133 ...and think of something, you will pay! 106 00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:40,633 Damn it, Kelly, today I know I had a message because.... 107 00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:44,000 Because I called myself. 108 00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:51,333 Well, then you already have a date for tonight. 109 00:08:57,233 --> 00:08:58,834 Home, sweet hell. 110 00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:03,500 Kids are fighting, dog's a-biting... 111 00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:10,266 ...and a good-looking babe in the kitchen cooking me dinner. 112 00:09:15,066 --> 00:09:18,166 A woman cooking me dinner? Kids? 113 00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:21,633 Oh, she said she's an old friend of Mom's. 114 00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,533 What the hell did you let her in for? 115 00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:26,900 Al, I'm June Morgan. 116 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:31,533 I ran into Peggy in Barcelona, and she told me you were all alone in Chicago. 117 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:37,233 So I thought I would come by and fix you a gourmet dinner. 118 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:39,300 Oh, Weenie Tots. 119 00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:43,533 You know, Al, looking around... 120 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,500 ...I can see several things that could use a woman's touch. 121 00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:48,266 If you know what I mean? 122 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:54,367 With vittles as classy as these, you can stick around... 123 00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:55,967 ...and touch anything you want. 124 00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,900 Okay, I will. 125 00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:05,433 Daddy! 126 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,700 You can't let that woman spend the night here. 127 00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:10,400 -What about Mom? -What about her? 128 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,533 Body's not even cold yet. 129 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,033 You've obviously never slept with your mother. 130 00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:22,367 Oh, come on, kids. Don't you get it? June's not a friend of your mom's. 131 00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:25,500 She's all part of Jefferson's practical joke. 132 00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:28,166 You know, like Rerun and that phony check. 133 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,000 So you'll call Mr. D'Arcy and tell him you're on to his joke? 134 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,633 No. I'm gonna beat him at his own game. 135 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:39,633 Oh, you're gonna pretend to like Mrs. D'Arcy and take all her money? 136 00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:46,633 No, I'm gonna let June seduce me. But first, we're gonna eat like royalty. 137 00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:49,266 -Yeah. -Weenie Tots. Come on, come on! 138 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,834 I didn't eat nobody. 139 00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:17,600 In national news, with the capture of the notorious Chicago Cannibal-- 140 00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:27,000 -Daddy, guess who's in prison? -Unless it's Pauly Shore, I do not care. 141 00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,767 Bud, get up here. 142 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:35,533 All right, now, this is the plan. 143 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,867 When June comes down here, she's going to try to seduce me. 144 00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:41,467 You two will be outside videotaping. 145 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:45,066 What about--? What about the walls, Dad? 146 00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:48,200 Because we can't shoot through the walls. 147 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,700 Bud, you will be videotaping. 148 00:11:55,767 --> 00:12:01,000 Now, Jefferson thinks that I will only go so far with June. 149 00:12:01,066 --> 00:12:03,066 At which point, he will declare victory... 150 00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:06,734 ...and tell everyone that I'm not man enough to cheat on my wife. Instead... 151 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,133 ...I will go on the attack, making June back up. 152 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,500 At which point, I will declare victory... 153 00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:16,734 ...and proudly tell everyone that I am man enough to cheat on my wife. 154 00:12:19,734 --> 00:12:22,333 Now, let's go get set up. 155 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,867 Come on. 156 00:12:23,934 --> 00:12:26,333 At least when I get married, I get to change my name. 157 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:31,367 Yeah, this time you should try to change it to one you can spell. 158 00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:40,266 Al, it's me, Peggy. 159 00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,367 Honey, I just ran into June Morgan... 160 00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:45,000 ...an old rival of mine from Wanker County. 161 00:12:45,066 --> 00:12:47,100 She's held a grudge against me for years... 162 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,967 ...just because I stole her fiancé on her wedding day. 163 00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:54,767 I've seen 15 Murder, She Wrotes that started like this. 164 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,266 And get this: 165 00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:02,266 She swears she's gonna get even by stealing you away from me. 166 00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:11,166 Alsy? 167 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,266 Can you believe it? I forgot to pack a dress. 168 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,166 Well, we all make mistakes. 169 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,967 I forgot to ice down this six-pack of champagne tallboys. 170 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,200 For you, my sweet. 171 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,000 What's going on? 172 00:13:42,066 --> 00:13:45,166 Well, Dad just poured a can of champagne into his hand. 173 00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,934 Oh, I've made men do that. 174 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:55,233 -Your arms, they're so strong. -Well, I sell women's shoes. 175 00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:58,266 Yeah, I can tell. 176 00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:03,166 All right. I think we've had about enough foreplay. 177 00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:08,433 What's happening now? 178 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,600 She's got Dad's entire face in her mouth. 179 00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:27,000 Take me, Al. Take me in the worst way! 180 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:30,266 That's the only way I know how. 181 00:14:35,533 --> 00:14:36,734 -June. -What? 182 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,867 June, we-- We can't do this. 183 00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:40,667 Why not? 184 00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:43,033 Yeah, why not? 185 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,133 I can't let Jefferson win. 186 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,233 But he's hired someone so good, I have to think of something... 187 00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:53,367 ...so horrible, so vile, so disgusting she'll run screaming from the house. 188 00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,633 I know. 189 00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,900 June, June. 190 00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,133 Marry me. 191 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,600 You can't do it, can you? 192 00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:13,333 No. You're already married to Peggy. 193 00:15:13,967 --> 00:15:15,300 Was married. 194 00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:19,300 Yeah, she got a quickie Spanish divorce. 195 00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:22,967 That's why she's in Spain. 196 00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:26,300 So what is your answer? 197 00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:29,867 Yes! Yes, I'll marry you! 198 00:15:32,467 --> 00:15:35,500 Today's trial of the Chicago Cannibal made history. 199 00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:40,600 In only eight minutes... 200 00:15:40,667 --> 00:15:44,200 ...he was tried, convicted, and sentenced to die tonight. 201 00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,900 Well, this is great. 202 00:15:52,967 --> 00:15:55,800 Everybody's here but my best man. Where's Griff? 203 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:57,700 Griff? Griff? 204 00:15:57,767 --> 00:15:59,867 Wasn't there something I was supposed to do? 205 00:16:00,867 --> 00:16:03,667 Hell with it. It's not a matter of life and death. 206 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,600 Hey, preacher man, you made it. 207 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,333 Are we lucky or what? 208 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,200 Isaac from The Love Boat is also an ordained minister. 209 00:16:22,967 --> 00:16:27,867 And look, Free Willy is also the dork of honor. 210 00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:32,734 Let's get this freak show on the road. 211 00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:37,834 -Hey, Jefferson. -Hey, Al. 212 00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:40,266 How come you're not dressed for a wedding? 213 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,767 What wedding? 214 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,166 Didn't your friend June tell you all about it? 215 00:16:45,033 --> 00:16:47,033 If that's her real name. 216 00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,934 I don't know any June. 217 00:16:51,533 --> 00:16:54,834 Of course you don't. 218 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:59,834 Hey, Ike. Ike, who's getting married? 219 00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:04,533 Oh, you are good. You are real good. 220 00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:40,934 We are gathered here today... 221 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,600 ...to join this couple... 222 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,934 ...in holy matrimony. 223 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,367 Yadda yadda yadda, June, blah blah blah, Al... 224 00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:50,200 ...blah blah blah, sight of God. 225 00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:54,667 Oh, this is so beautiful. 226 00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:59,133 I want my first wedding to be just like it. 227 00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:05,533 June, do you take Al to be your lawfully wedded husband? 228 00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:07,934 Here it comes. 229 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,200 She'll never say "I do." 230 00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:12,734 I do. 231 00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,166 She do. 232 00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:20,000 Al, do you take June to be your lawfully wedded wife? 233 00:18:27,934 --> 00:18:29,800 What do you want me to say, Jefferson? 234 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,934 You want me to say you're king? I won't say it. I'm not gonna say it. 235 00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,433 Admit that this is your little joke! 236 00:18:39,066 --> 00:18:40,934 It's not. 237 00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:50,967 This is my joke. 238 00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:53,100 Hi, Al. 239 00:18:55,066 --> 00:18:56,934 -Mom! -Mom! 240 00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:07,033 I do. 241 00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:12,133 -Who is this woman? -She's nobody. 242 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,367 Just my wife. Hurry up with the ring, boy! 243 00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:21,100 -What is going on here? -Well, Peg, it all started with 10 pizzas. 244 00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:22,800 Shut up, Al. 245 00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:26,266 June Morgan, how dare you? 246 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,000 Well, you stole my fiancé at the Wanker wedding hole. 247 00:19:29,066 --> 00:19:31,266 Get over it. We were 12. 248 00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:43,867 All right, here's the last of the duty-free doodie. 249 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,700 Al, I'm gonna go hitch a winch... 250 00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:52,633 ...up to Mama's girdle and twang her on out of here. 251 00:19:53,934 --> 00:19:57,166 What the hell's going on here? 252 00:19:58,033 --> 00:20:01,333 It's Jefferson's fault. He told me I won $10 million. 253 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,700 Yeah, well, you superglued a toilet seat to my ass. 254 00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:07,800 What's a toilet seat? 255 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,100 Didn't you get the message I left you on the answering machine? 256 00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:14,734 What's an answering machine? 257 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,133 No, no. Nobody seems to get the messages off that answering machine. 258 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,433 -Oh, so this is all my fault, then? -Oh, no, honey. 259 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,867 Once again, this is your father's fault. 260 00:20:23,934 --> 00:20:27,300 You know what you're gonna have to do to make this up to me, don't you? 261 00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:29,300 Oh, no, Peg! 262 00:20:30,867 --> 00:20:32,667 Not upstairs! 263 00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:37,033 Oh, no, honey. We're gonna do it standing up. 264 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,734 Right here in front of everyone. 265 00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:56,433 For the 37th time, Bundy, do you take this woman to be your wife? 266 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,066 For the thirty-seventh, -eighth and -ninth times: 267 00:21:03,133 --> 00:21:05,600 No, no, no. 268 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,734 Come on, Al. It's not like we're really getting married. 269 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:15,333 We're just renewing our vows. Besides, Dad's got you covered. 270 00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:24,100 Just like old times, eh, Ephraim? 271 00:21:25,166 --> 00:21:28,033 Only this time, the gun is loaded. 272 00:21:32,433 --> 00:21:34,033 And so am I. 273 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,767 -Well, Bundy? -I'm not saying it. 274 00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:42,033 The drunken hillbilly's gonna have to kill me before I say it again. 275 00:21:43,467 --> 00:21:45,600 -Say what? -"I do." 276 00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:48,567 -Gotcha! -No, Peg, that doesn't count! 277 00:21:48,633 --> 00:21:50,967 Oh, Al. 21532

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