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1
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:18,570
Thanks for inviting me over
to play strip study, Bud.
2
00:01:21,026 --> 00:01:26,431
Well, just like it says on the box,
"It's a game with no losers."
3
00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:30,885
Okay, Ariel.
4
00:01:31,813 --> 00:01:35,617
"Ulysses S. Grant was a general
in which war?"
5
00:01:36,642 --> 00:01:38,944
The war on drugs?
6
00:01:39,938 --> 00:01:41,840
-Oh, close.
-Oh, man.
7
00:01:42,036 --> 00:01:44,338
No, the correct answer
is the Civil War.
8
00:01:44,833 --> 00:01:48,069
They named a war
after "Civil" Shepherd?
9
00:01:49,528 --> 00:01:51,330
Oh, man.
10
00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:55,592
Now, you know the rules.
11
00:01:55,788 --> 00:01:58,658
For each wrong answer
you must remove one piece of clothing.
12
00:02:02,782 --> 00:02:07,787
Gee, if I'd known the rules,
I would have worn underwear.
13
00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:16,942
Okay. "Who was the first president
of the United States?"
14
00:02:17,136 --> 00:02:19,606
-George Washington.
-Wrong.
15
00:02:24,197 --> 00:02:26,600
Gosh, Bud, I'm not that smart.
16
00:02:26,795 --> 00:02:29,397
I can't figure out
why you'd want to study with me.
17
00:02:33,923 --> 00:02:36,793
Well, you make every
subject come to life.
18
00:02:38,953 --> 00:02:41,689
Bud, finals are a week away...
19
00:02:41,884 --> 00:02:45,421
...and every time we try to study,
we end up having sex.
20
00:02:47,979 --> 00:02:51,616
Trust me, Ariel. In two minutes,
we'll be right back to studying.
21
00:03:00,171 --> 00:03:02,540
Bud, wake up.
22
00:03:03,936 --> 00:03:04,937
What is it?
23
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:09,606
George Washington was the first
president of the United States.
24
00:03:13,730 --> 00:03:16,600
Oh, my God.
Do you know what time it is?
25
00:03:16,795 --> 00:03:18,197
Six o'clock?
26
00:03:18,394 --> 00:03:21,964
-No, it's 8:00.
-Damn.
27
00:03:25,957 --> 00:03:29,494
No, we're not playing that game
anymore, Ariel. It's morning.
28
00:03:29,688 --> 00:03:32,157
What am I gonna do?
If I don't pass these exams...
29
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,290
...I won't graduate.
Come on, we gotta get out of here.
30
00:03:35,486 --> 00:03:38,722
Won't it be awkward when your family
sees me coming out of your room?
31
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,620
No, I have girls over here
all the time.
32
00:03:42,583 --> 00:03:45,286
They won't even bat an eye.
Come on. Let's go.
33
00:03:51,412 --> 00:03:53,881
That's my boy!
34
00:03:55,710 --> 00:04:00,382
Congratulations, son.
Your first sleep-over date.
35
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,978
And with a girl too.
36
00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:09,143
Unless it's one of those
Crying Game kind of things.
37
00:04:10,672 --> 00:04:12,407
How did you guys
know Ariel was here?
38
00:04:12,605 --> 00:04:14,707
Well, for once the cries of:
39
00:04:14,905 --> 00:04:18,375
"Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud,"
wasn't just you throwing your voice.
40
00:04:21,103 --> 00:04:24,173
Yeah, and then about 1 a.m.
you suddenly yelled out the window:
41
00:04:24,369 --> 00:04:26,571
"I just got busy."
42
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,504
Now, being down with the lingo
you youngsters use today...
43
00:04:30,667 --> 00:04:34,271
...I knew that you had just done
the function at the junction.
44
00:04:37,166 --> 00:04:40,769
So you spent the night
with my brother, Bud.
45
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:44,669
Could you--? Could you bend
your head forward, please?
46
00:04:44,998 --> 00:04:47,267
Nope, no air nozzle.
47
00:04:52,963 --> 00:04:54,798
Will you leave her alone?
48
00:04:54,963 --> 00:04:57,966
The girl just had
the best sex of her life.
49
00:04:58,962 --> 00:05:03,534
I didn't say it was the best.
I said you did your best.
50
00:05:06,529 --> 00:05:11,700
So, Bud, shall I study your brains out
again tonight?
51
00:05:13,295 --> 00:05:16,765
No, no, no.
I really have to study alone.
52
00:05:16,928 --> 00:05:21,366
I have to get my diploma
so I can get the hell out of this house.
53
00:05:21,561 --> 00:05:24,697
Bud, come here a second, son.
54
00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:28,797
You're gonna do the right thing
by this girl now, aren't you?
55
00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:34,132
-You mean marry her?
-No, I mean never call her again.
56
00:05:35,694 --> 00:05:38,097
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for the advice, Dad.
57
00:05:38,794 --> 00:05:42,965
Look, Ariel, I really need
to get my grades up, all right?
58
00:05:43,161 --> 00:05:46,330
So until finals are over,
I'm swearing off sex.
59
00:05:47,061 --> 00:05:49,898
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna get my grades up too.
60
00:05:50,494 --> 00:05:51,996
So you'll swear off sex also?
61
00:05:52,195 --> 00:05:55,565
No. I'm gonna sleep
with all my teachers.
62
00:05:56,195 --> 00:05:57,997
Thanks.
63
00:06:01,996 --> 00:06:05,332
E equals MC...
64
00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:06,964
...cup.
65
00:06:09,363 --> 00:06:11,798
I have to concentrate.
66
00:06:19,731 --> 00:06:21,533
And....
67
00:06:25,533 --> 00:06:27,902
She's still too sexy.
68
00:06:39,468 --> 00:06:41,003
Bud?
69
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:45,271
What the hell is that?
70
00:06:45,469 --> 00:06:49,873
-Dad, I'm trying to study.
-What, why presidents marry ugly?
71
00:06:50,770 --> 00:06:53,606
But, son, actually,
I'm glad you're studying...
72
00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,840
...because you'll be quiet
while I watch TV.
73
00:06:56,005 --> 00:07:00,009
Today's the premiere of the new
Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N.
74
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,176
Or BUN.
75
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:06,576
Why do you have to watch it
down here on my small TV?
76
00:07:06,775 --> 00:07:09,878
We're not watching the BUN
on your small TV.
77
00:07:12,943 --> 00:07:16,180
You guys wanna give me a hand here
with Marcie's TV?
78
00:07:16,378 --> 00:07:19,314
-Sure.
-Put it right there.
79
00:07:20,078 --> 00:07:21,813
Dad, I'm not gonna be able to study...
80
00:07:21,979 --> 00:07:24,215
...with you guys sitting there
watching bimbo TV.
81
00:07:24,380 --> 00:07:28,484
They're not bimbos.
They're "hooteracious" Americans.
82
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,518
And secondly, son, you're not even
gonna notice that we're here.
83
00:07:34,550 --> 00:07:37,319
Welcome to the premiere
of the Big 'Uns Network.
84
00:07:37,951 --> 00:07:41,388
I'm former Senator Bob Packwood...
85
00:07:42,085 --> 00:07:45,222
...and this is a real
dear-diary day for me.
86
00:07:49,155 --> 00:07:51,124
Yeah, shake them. Shake them.
87
00:07:52,423 --> 00:07:56,627
This is ridiculous. I'm gonna have
to find a place to study...
88
00:07:56,791 --> 00:07:59,394
...where there's absolutely
nothing that can turn me on.
89
00:08:03,761 --> 00:08:06,230
Why, Bud, what was that for?
90
00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:08,964
Just for being you, Miss Hardaway.
91
00:08:10,096 --> 00:08:12,232
You're so cute.
92
00:08:12,897 --> 00:08:14,465
What can I do for you?
93
00:08:14,631 --> 00:08:18,135
Be as creative as you like
with your answer.
94
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,703
I would just like...
95
00:08:23,902 --> 00:08:26,705
...the reserved reading
for these classes, please.
96
00:08:27,704 --> 00:08:30,006
By the way, do you have
a poster of yourself...
97
00:08:30,171 --> 00:08:32,207
...I could hang up over my desk?
98
00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:37,476
Well, I don't have
a poster of myself...
99
00:08:37,641 --> 00:08:40,177
...but I was featured
in this magazine.
100
00:08:41,777 --> 00:08:44,213
"Library 'Uns"?
101
00:08:47,112 --> 00:08:49,215
I'm the centrefold.
102
00:08:57,251 --> 00:08:58,552
Here are the books.
103
00:08:58,718 --> 00:09:02,422
I've marked the parts you're supposed
to read and I've taken the liberty...
104
00:09:02,620 --> 00:09:05,256
...of putting my home phone number
on the bookmark.
105
00:09:07,789 --> 00:09:10,358
Oh, Bud, if you're looking
for a quiet place to study...
106
00:09:10,557 --> 00:09:14,962
...try that reading room there.
It's very private.
107
00:09:15,759 --> 00:09:18,229
Thanks. I'll give it a try.
108
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,967
Oh, this is perfect.
109
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:28,834
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
110
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,004
Now I can finally forget about sex...
111
00:09:33,169 --> 00:09:35,671
...and concentrate on my studies.
112
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:40,341
Oh, I guess I'll start
with Shakespeare here.
113
00:09:41,739 --> 00:09:45,309
"Her breasts, like ivory globes
circled with blue...
114
00:09:45,475 --> 00:09:48,578
...a pair of maiden worlds
unconquered."
115
00:09:49,477 --> 00:09:53,581
God, what I wouldn't give
for a pair of globes right now.
116
00:09:56,248 --> 00:10:00,051
Okay. I've gotta calm down.
117
00:10:12,623 --> 00:10:16,159
Okay, what could be less stimulating
than Biology?
118
00:10:19,226 --> 00:10:22,763
"The woman indicates
her readiness by--"
119
00:10:23,295 --> 00:10:27,032
"When the female has reached
peak arousal...."
120
00:10:27,897 --> 00:10:31,268
Oh, I'd like to peak at some arousal.
121
00:10:33,301 --> 00:10:35,203
Okay, no sex. No sex.
122
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:37,704
No sex. No sex.
123
00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:41,207
Okay, Anthropology
will definitely cool me down.
124
00:10:41,405 --> 00:10:45,809
"Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders." Okay.
125
00:10:47,074 --> 00:10:50,278
The women use coconut shells
as clothing.
126
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:57,082
Hey, those aren't coconut shells.
127
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,750
But those are coconuts.
128
00:11:03,617 --> 00:11:06,854
A man can only take so much.
129
00:11:17,292 --> 00:11:20,528
I wonder what's up with Bud.
130
00:11:31,599 --> 00:11:36,537
This is Senator Packwood
live from the Big 'Uns Olympics.
131
00:11:37,836 --> 00:11:40,039
The officials are on the field
measuring.
132
00:11:40,237 --> 00:11:42,072
It's a new world record.
133
00:11:42,272 --> 00:11:46,143
Seventy-two and one half inches.
She's won the gold.
134
00:11:46,341 --> 00:11:50,345
Yes. Yes, I knew
she had what it takes.
135
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:52,744
What event is it, long jump?
136
00:11:52,944 --> 00:11:55,547
No, they're just measuring her chest.
137
00:11:57,347 --> 00:12:00,317
Dad, I need to talk to you.
138
00:12:00,882 --> 00:12:02,817
The university
just put me on probation.
139
00:12:03,016 --> 00:12:05,252
Way to go, son.
140
00:12:05,818 --> 00:12:08,454
What did you do,
paint the school mascot?
141
00:12:08,652 --> 00:12:10,654
Go on a panty raid?
142
00:12:11,688 --> 00:12:15,858
I was caught
having sex in the school library.
143
00:12:17,490 --> 00:12:21,027
All right-o. That's my boy.
144
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,763
Who's the lucky girl?
145
00:12:32,965 --> 00:12:34,867
You're shaking her.
146
00:12:40,703 --> 00:12:43,472
Dad, I'm gonna be tried
by the university deans.
147
00:12:43,670 --> 00:12:47,674
I might not be able to graduate.
Would you give me a hand?
148
00:12:49,306 --> 00:12:52,643
Obviously, you have too many
as it is.
149
00:12:53,942 --> 00:12:57,379
Dad, if I don't graduate,
I might just live here forever.
150
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,146
Son...
151
00:13:00,578 --> 00:13:04,549
...you need the best defense
no money can buy.
152
00:13:12,851 --> 00:13:16,488
We will now try the case
of Trumaine College v. Bud Bundy.
153
00:13:16,686 --> 00:13:18,955
We have convened here
at the scene of the crime.
154
00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:24,692
You're not going to re-create it,
are you?
155
00:13:25,657 --> 00:13:28,526
No, that was not my intention,
Dean Markwand.
156
00:13:28,691 --> 00:13:32,095
But I cannot speak for Mr. Bundy.
157
00:13:32,393 --> 00:13:36,197
Perhaps he should be handcuffed
during these proceedings?
158
00:13:37,395 --> 00:13:39,731
That will not be necessary.
159
00:13:39,896 --> 00:13:43,700
I am confident that my client
can control himself.
160
00:13:43,897 --> 00:13:46,533
Then obviously you haven't seen
the videotape.
161
00:13:47,699 --> 00:13:52,537
I think I can defend Mr. Bundy
without viewing the tape.
162
00:13:52,735 --> 00:13:57,940
In fact, that was the one condition
on which I agreed to take the case.
163
00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:01,139
Bud Bundy, how do you plead?
164
00:14:02,338 --> 00:14:05,708
Absolutely 100 percent not guilty.
165
00:14:08,308 --> 00:14:10,110
Yeah, it was really nice of Bud...
166
00:14:10,274 --> 00:14:13,945
...to let us watch the Big 'Uns
Extreme Games in his room.
167
00:14:14,776 --> 00:14:16,711
By the way, where is your son?
168
00:14:16,910 --> 00:14:19,146
I have no son.
169
00:14:20,078 --> 00:14:21,346
Haven't you heard?
170
00:14:21,545 --> 00:14:23,881
Bud was caught
in the Trumaine library...
171
00:14:24,079 --> 00:14:27,349
...doing what will soon be
referred to as...
172
00:14:27,781 --> 00:14:29,683
..."The Bundy."
173
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,784
Try to raise a kid
with values and decency--
174
00:14:33,983 --> 00:14:36,486
Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall.
175
00:14:37,417 --> 00:14:41,321
You don't need a parachute
when you've got 'Uns.
176
00:14:42,018 --> 00:14:44,354
It's enough to make you
wanna do "The Bundy."
177
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,990
Oh, I give Bud credit.
The library's a pretty creative place.
178
00:14:51,188 --> 00:14:53,724
Most creative place I ever did it
was on an airplane.
179
00:14:53,922 --> 00:14:55,591
You did it in a bathroom on a plane?
180
00:14:56,423 --> 00:14:58,091
Who said anything
about a bathroom?
181
00:15:00,257 --> 00:15:03,427
And so in light
of the videotape evidence...
182
00:15:03,624 --> 00:15:07,395
...and the eyewitness account
of the now-traumatized student...
183
00:15:07,592 --> 00:15:11,729
...who had the misfortune of opening
the door at exactly the wrong moment...
184
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:18,699
...we must conclude that Bud Bundy
is absolutely 100 percent guilty.
185
00:15:20,428 --> 00:15:23,631
Does the defense possibly have
anything to say...
186
00:15:23,796 --> 00:15:27,800
...other than the obvious
"I'm so, so sorry"?
187
00:15:28,697 --> 00:15:31,933
We do not dispute the evidence
of this case.
188
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:34,533
Then you admit
the defendant committed this crime.
189
00:15:34,731 --> 00:15:39,536
He committed the act.
There was no crime.
190
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:44,136
Allow me to quote
from your official student handbook.
191
00:15:44,899 --> 00:15:47,635
"Abstinence saves lives."
192
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:55,205
And what guarantees abstinence
better than self-love?
193
00:15:57,501 --> 00:16:01,171
Constant, never-ending self-love.
194
00:16:02,334 --> 00:16:05,103
I ask you to look
at this young man.
195
00:16:05,301 --> 00:16:08,505
Would you rather
he do what he did...
196
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,503
...or be out there breeding?
197
00:16:13,435 --> 00:16:16,505
And I did the Bundy
at the Ice Capades.
198
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:21,539
During my driving test.
199
00:16:22,969 --> 00:16:25,371
Watching Shaft.
200
00:16:26,635 --> 00:16:29,037
On my honeymoon.
201
00:16:33,435 --> 00:16:35,904
-On your honeymoon?
-That doesn't count.
202
00:16:36,101 --> 00:16:38,937
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
203
00:16:39,135 --> 00:16:42,972
I think I may have been
a little it too harsh on my son.
204
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:48,038
The only thing he really did wrong was
going to the library in the first place.
205
00:16:48,534 --> 00:16:51,003
The rest is totally understandable.
206
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,170
I mean, we men have our needs.
207
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:02,138
It's women who tell us
these things are wrong.
208
00:17:03,932 --> 00:17:07,002
And why? Because they wanna take
away the only good sex we have.
209
00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:12,201
I know now what we must do.
210
00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:18,837
And so in conclusion,
I say if touching yourself is a crime...
211
00:17:19,192 --> 00:17:22,773
...then who among us
does not deserve the chair?
212
00:17:22,773 --> 00:17:22,796
...then who among us
does not deserve the chair?
213
00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:30,796
All right.
214
00:17:30,994 --> 00:17:37,134
We concede that what Bud did
was not in itself a crime.
215
00:17:37,326 --> 00:17:40,729
But how do you explain
doing it in the library?
216
00:17:40,925 --> 00:17:42,627
Well, I'm glad you asked that.
217
00:17:42,824 --> 00:17:47,162
Bud, how the hell do you explain it?
218
00:17:49,089 --> 00:17:50,758
Easily.
219
00:17:51,122 --> 00:17:52,990
I was set up.
220
00:17:53,888 --> 00:17:57,692
I direct the attention of the court
to Miss Hardaway...
221
00:17:58,919 --> 00:18:01,989
...who has had a crush on me
for years.
222
00:18:03,218 --> 00:18:04,786
In fact, at this very moment...
223
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:08,187
...she's thinking about
what I must look like under my clothes.
224
00:18:09,915 --> 00:18:11,684
That is a tight little lie.
225
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:17,548
I-- I mean a little white lie.
226
00:18:18,278 --> 00:18:20,347
Can you deny
that on the night in question...
227
00:18:20,511 --> 00:18:22,613
...you gave me
your home phone number?
228
00:18:22,776 --> 00:18:25,512
This number?
229
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:31,076
Did you not tell me
which study room to sit in...
230
00:18:31,272 --> 00:18:34,275
...knowing full well it had
a surveillance camera?
231
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:40,639
And did you not give me
erotic textbooks...
232
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,936
...with all the good parts marked?
233
00:18:44,132 --> 00:18:47,502
You gave him Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders?
234
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,998
-I did.
-My God.
235
00:18:53,194 --> 00:18:55,996
The boy is only human.
236
00:19:00,988 --> 00:19:03,891
So you see I was entrapped...
237
00:19:05,286 --> 00:19:10,791
...by a middle-aged librarian who saw
a hot little tushie and wanted more.
238
00:19:11,781 --> 00:19:13,483
That is not true.
239
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:19,152
I dare you to take a look at this
and still deny your feelings.
240
00:19:21,175 --> 00:19:24,011
All right, I confess.
241
00:19:24,173 --> 00:19:25,974
I am in love with Bud Bundy.
242
00:19:27,836 --> 00:19:29,738
Whenever he comes in the library...
243
00:19:29,934 --> 00:19:34,339
...I turn the heat up so he'll have to
strip down to his tank top.
244
00:19:35,663 --> 00:19:40,168
When he returns a book late,
I always hope he'll say:
245
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,663
"I've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway.
246
00:19:45,288 --> 00:19:47,757
Spank me hard."
247
00:19:51,749 --> 00:19:55,286
The court will excuse me if I heave?
248
00:19:57,045 --> 00:20:00,548
I've read every book
on loving in this library.
249
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:04,845
I could do things to him
he's never even dreamed of.
250
00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:09,069
Really?
251
00:20:14,427 --> 00:20:17,030
I think we have a unanimous verdict.
252
00:20:17,225 --> 00:20:21,729
We will dismiss this case,
allow Mr. Bundy to graduate...
253
00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:24,489
...and seal the records...
254
00:20:24,683 --> 00:20:30,055
...so as to maintain the good name
of the Michael Milken Library.
255
00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:39,473
Oh, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy.
256
00:20:39,666 --> 00:20:40,967
Oh, you were great.
257
00:20:41,164 --> 00:20:44,635
And best of all, nobody's ever gonna
know about this ugly little incident.
258
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,295
Free the Bundy one!
259
00:20:46,491 --> 00:20:49,961
Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one
260
00:20:50,153 --> 00:20:53,490
Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one
261
00:20:53,682 --> 00:20:56,952
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...
262
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,478
...broadcasting live
at Trumaine College...
263
00:21:01,639 --> 00:21:04,008
...where the group called NO MA'AM
is picketing...
264
00:21:04,169 --> 00:21:08,139
...in support of Bud Bundy's
inalienable right as an American...
265
00:21:08,330 --> 00:21:11,366
...to touch himself in the library...
266
00:21:11,625 --> 00:21:14,528
...or anywhere else for that matter.
267
00:21:14,721 --> 00:21:18,425
Four, three, two, one
Bud's alone but he has fun
268
00:21:18,616 --> 00:21:21,652
Two, four, six, eight
It's his only steady date
269
00:21:21,844 --> 00:21:24,747
One, two, three, four
He shouldn't have to lock the door
270
00:21:25,939 --> 00:21:27,807
Free the Bundy one!
21453
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