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1
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,678
The great thing about your mother
being out of town...
2
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:20,648
...aside from the fact
that she's not here...
3
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,885
...is the three of us
get a chance to bond.
4
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,222
Dad, as long as we're bonding...
5
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,125
...you know, I'm going to be graduating
from college soon...
6
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:34,895
-...and I got some pretty serious life--
-Bud, shut up.
7
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,131
Family Matters is on now.
8
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,935
If you got anything to learn about life
you can learn it from Urkel...
9
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,871
...and his fat cop neighbor.
10
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,273
I hate this show.
11
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,209
How could you not love Urkel?
12
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:52,680
I mean, with his glasses
and those pants and the suspenders.
13
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:02,857
Speaking of annoying neighbor boys
in suspenders....
14
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,962
Everyone, I have great news
that you will all want to hear--
15
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:12,132
Marcie got a promotion at the bank that
will take her to Japan once a month.
16
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,870
Jefferson, you stole my thunder.
17
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,973
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
It won't happen again.
18
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:22,076
-Okay. I--
-She's gonna be vice president.
19
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,945
Vice president in charge
of all transactions...
20
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,515
...between her branch
and the home office in Japan.
21
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,117
-Are you finished?
-Almost.
22
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:34,955
With her salary increase, she'll never
have to worry about money again.
23
00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:37,791
Well, you will if you don't shut up.
24
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,362
Guys, I'm just so happy
for both of you.
25
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:44,365
What say we celebrate
by you getting the hell out of here...
26
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:46,867
...and me watching my TV.
27
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:52,106
My treat.
28
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:56,143
Technically, I don't have the job yet.
29
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,579
So celebrating
would be a bit premature.
30
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,749
You see, the bank president
is flying all the way from Japan...
31
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,717
...to have dinner at my house tonight.
32
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:07,621
Now, once he approves of me,
the job is as good as mine.
33
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,824
Oh, I love this show. That Urkel...
34
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:12,927
...what an actor.
35
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:16,397
See, Bud, I'm not alone.
36
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,934
No, as long as there's a sailor
and an ice-cream cone...
37
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,902
...you'll never be alone.
38
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:30,377
So, Al, the reason that I'm here
is that I need your help...
39
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:35,249
...with just one little thing
to make tonight's dinner perfect.
40
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:38,118
I need you to leave
the neighborhood.
41
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,789
You see, I don't want my boss
to be repulsed by you...
42
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:43,991
...and your children. No offense.
43
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,193
None taken.
44
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,229
So you'll do it?
45
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:52,366
I meant none taken...
46
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,934
...yet.
47
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:59,073
All right, Al. What's your price?
48
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:02,676
One night, all expenses paid...
49
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:06,213
...in a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.
50
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,983
Oh, Hobo's.
51
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:13,554
Where every bed
is shaped like a boxcar.
52
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:24,632
Or so I hear from my slutty friends
who go there all the time.
53
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,701
Not me.
54
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,703
We also want passes...
55
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:35,409
...to the Hobo's
Friday's all-you-can-eat clam buffet.
56
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:45,686
Well, Al, you drive a hard bargain
and a rusty Dodge.
57
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:50,824
But I think I can spring
for 5 more dollars. Live it up.
58
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:07,074
So, Mr. Shimokawa,
did you like the sushi?
59
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,610
It was wonderful. Thank you.
60
00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:18,485
How original, serving sushi
to a Japanese man in America.
61
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:24,491
It's like Gilligan getting off the island
and being offered a coconut.
62
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,295
You know...
63
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:34,134
...I find the Japanese culture
to be fascinating.
64
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:39,139
I mean, the art, the literature.
I just loved The Joy Luck Club.
65
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,677
That was Chinese.
66
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,746
Well, the Kamasutra.
67
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,115
That is Indian.
68
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:55,856
In my country, this man would
be filling water glasses at Denny's.
69
00:05:56,890 --> 00:06:01,295
So now that we've finished with dinner,
can I offer you some--?
70
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,797
Let me guess. Tea.
71
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,566
--tea?
72
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:10,604
Would you like something in it?
Milk? Sugar?
73
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,173
Whiskey.
74
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,712
Now, who could that be?
75
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:23,383
Please let it be Domino's.
I'd kill for a pizza.
76
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:30,090
Look, honey, it's our favorite
neighbors: the Bundys.
77
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:35,362
Kelly, Bud, Peggy, Al.
78
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:42,936
Mr. Shimokawa, this is Al Bundy,
an Acura salesman.
79
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,841
Peggy, his wife, a homemaker.
80
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:51,578
Their son, Bud,
who's home from medical school...
81
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,783
...and their daughter, Kelly,
who's a violin prodigy.
82
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:59,386
This isn't too patronizing.
83
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,022
I just wanted to thank you again,
Marcie san...
84
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:05,459
...for the home loan you got for us.
85
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:09,963
She is truly the Japanese
businessman's best friend.
86
00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:14,368
Well, thanks, Bundys, for stopping by.
87
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:29,416
Mrs. D'Arcy, I had a wonderful time,
but I must really be going.
88
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,852
To a liquor store.
89
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,189
Oh, no, no, no. No, you can't go yet.
90
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:37,991
The best is just ahead.
91
00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:42,830
Oh, good.
They're going to hang themselves.
92
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,632
Karaoke.
93
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,270
Oh, no. I'm going to hang myself.
94
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,632
If only I could forget.
95
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:23,136
The job is mine. I can feel it.
96
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,943
What was that?
97
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:34,147
-Nothing.
-No, that was not nothing.
98
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:38,719
That was a 1971 Dodge.
99
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,889
The one I need
to complete my collection.
100
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:45,459
Oh, you collect
classic American cars?
101
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:49,162
No, I collect classic American junk.
102
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:53,333
Yes, I have a Gremlin and a Pacer...
103
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,671
...an old yellow school bus
with no brakes or no seat belts.
104
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:01,541
I have everything except that one.
105
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:08,081
That is real junk.
106
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:12,686
Mrs. D'Arcy, the car's
very important to me. I must have it.
107
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:17,090
Well, don't you worry, Mr. Shimokawa,
I'll take care of everything...
108
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:21,795
...and I'll even leave my Jefferson here
to entertain you.
109
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,917
Clam me, Bud.
110
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,620
Hey.
111
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:51,191
Here are the rest of the Hobo's clams
from the trunk.
112
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,628
The corn's keeping warm
in the muffler.
113
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,833
What are you people doing here?
I bought you a room.
114
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,969
They kicked us out.
115
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:06,707
And I have a good mind to sue them
for false advertising.
116
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:10,444
That sign clearly said
"all the clams you could eat"...
117
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,814
...not "all the clams you can eat
right now."
118
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,917
So how are things going
with your boss?
119
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:22,222
Oh, great, great. Just great.
Until you three Mothra'd on home.
120
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:28,061
As it turns out Mr. Shimokawa collects
junk cars and he wants to buy yours.
121
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:31,264
I don't have any junk cars.
All I have is the Dodge.
122
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:36,636
-You don't mean--
-Oh, come on, Al.
123
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,806
He'll probably offer you
twice what it's worth.
124
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:43,143
I mean, you might even get $50.
125
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:47,180
Well, Marcie, me and that Dodge
have been together a long time.
126
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:51,018
Well, so have you and your hair,
but you got rid of that.
127
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,689
Way to bargain, Marce.
128
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,892
I love that car
more than anything that I have.
129
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,466
Dad, what about us?
130
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,169
You need a Q-Tip?
131
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:19,446
Marcie, like I said before,
I'm not selling that car.
132
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,483
Especially not to some Japanese
bigwig...
133
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,685
...who gets rich by flooding
our market...
134
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,088
...with fuel-efficient affordable cars...
135
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:31,858
...that don't fold up
like a tin can on a front-end collision.
136
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,326
Like that's important.
137
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:37,297
And all the while they're buying up
all our American classics.
138
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:41,902
Please, Al, my job is on the line.
139
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,505
Oh, well, that changes nothing.
140
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,710
I'm not selling that car to your boss.
141
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,647
That car was born a Bundy.
By God, it will die a Bundy.
142
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:22,742
More than life itself.
143
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:33,286
Mrs. D'Arcy.
So did you get my Dodge?
144
00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:37,691
You know, his price was too high.
Isn't that just like the poor?
145
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,694
Always trying
to take advantage of the rich.
146
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:44,431
God, I hate them.
So I tell you what we're going to do.
147
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,033
Tomorrow, I'm gonna take you
down to a dealership...
148
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,202
...and we're going to get you
a better one.
149
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:54,007
Do you not realize
how rare those Dodges are today?
150
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,877
I mean, half of them were recalled.
151
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:01,081
The other half dissolved in the rain.
152
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:03,617
This may be the only one left.
153
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:07,954
Well, Mr. Shimokawa,
I just don't think he wants to sell.
154
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:13,126
Bottom line, Mrs. D'Arcy,
you will get me that Dodge...
155
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:16,196
...or I will get me
a new vice president for my bank.
156
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:32,712
So, Al, to thank you for being
so understanding about my boss...
157
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:36,349
...I thought it only right
to treat you to dinner and a show.
158
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:47,561
Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought, as a feminist,
you wouldn't like places like this.
159
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:49,329
Oh, no, no, no.
160
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:53,466
Feminism is about protecting
a woman's rights in the workplace.
161
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,870
Now, where that workplace
happens to be is none of my concern.
162
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,006
Lap dance?
163
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,811
Split, bitch.
164
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,049
So, Al, let's talk about your future.
165
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:13,820
Sure, you're making
tens of dollars now...
166
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,990
...but you can't work forever.
167
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,160
And somehow I seriously doubt...
168
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,563
...that your children
will be there to support you.
169
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:31,371
Move into my parents' basement
with me, babe.
170
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,608
We'll live on love.
171
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,611
Well, that and welfare.
172
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:42,983
So it occurs to me
that you could use a nest egg.
173
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:48,488
Say, somewhere
in the neighborhood of $3000?
174
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:52,092
-Marcie, the car's not for sale.
-Oh, come on, Al.
175
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,828
You know that car's not worth $3000.
176
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:59,266
Why are you being such an ass--
Astoundingly stubborn human?
177
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,837
Marcie, see. It's a-- It's a man's thing.
178
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:10,443
Unlike you leg-shavers, we men--
We men like our things broken in.
179
00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:16,549
You know, old things.
Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans.
180
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:20,654
A 30-year-old toothbrush
with chunkets of Reggie bar in them.
181
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,325
See, now, the Dodge is like that.
182
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,361
Dodge is just like that.
183
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:31,364
Over the years, I molded that car...
184
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:35,302
...to fit every nook and cranny
of my body.
185
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:38,305
And I tell you the truth,
I don't have the life left over...
186
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:41,841
...to break in another car.
So my answer still must be:
187
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,450
What was I saying?
188
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,788
Never mind. You, Al Bundy, are a pig.
189
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,756
I repeat, a pig.
190
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,059
We're leaving. Jefferson?
191
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,537
-Jefferson, we're going home.
-Why? What's wrong?
192
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:13,707
Because I can't stand another minute
in this hideous, horrible--
193
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:16,476
Oh, Mr. Shimokawa.
194
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,412
What brings you to the Jiggly Room?
195
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:22,349
Quite honestly, the jiggly.
196
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:28,555
So, Mrs. D'Arcy,
did you secure my Dodge?
197
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:31,191
Well, yes-- Well, no.
198
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:33,326
Actually, I'm still negotiating.
199
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:37,497
You see, my husband
wasn't feeling very well, and--
200
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:47,374
How can I trust you
to negotiate banking deals...
201
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:52,846
...when you can't even buy a rusting
hunk from a rusting shoe salesman?
202
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:57,951
I can see everything
with my x-ray onion eyeglasses.
203
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:04,224
Please, Mr. Shimokawa,
give me another chance.
204
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,526
I will find his price.
205
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:15,835
Five thousand dollars.
206
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,737
No.
207
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:28,581
Seventy-five hundred.
208
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,617
No.
209
00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:38,758
-Ten thousand?
-No.
210
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:48,435
Hello, Officer Dan.
What can I do for you?
211
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,438
We got a call
about an indecent sex act.
212
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:57,110
I assure you I have no indecent sex act
in my establishment.
213
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,480
Then get one.
214
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,489
We didn't ditch that drug stakeout
for nothing.
215
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,194
Al, I don't understand you.
216
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:17,263
You have turned down $10,000.
217
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,632
Now, that is more money
than you would make...
218
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:23,102
...if you live to be 10,000.
219
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,840
Marcie, it's not the money,
it's the sentiment.
220
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:31,678
All right,
what is the sentimental value?
221
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:34,547
-Twenty thousand.
-Twenty thousand?
222
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:37,517
-That is ridiculous--
-My car.
223
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,620
All right. I'll ask.
224
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,334
Don't you think $20,000
is a little much to ask...
225
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,570
...for a car that's made
mostly of string and paper?
226
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:01,641
Son, I've got Marcie
exactly where I want her.
227
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,978
Dad, at the risk
of sugarcoating this...
228
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:08,715
...I'll just say that when it comes
to finances, you're an idiot.
229
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,317
All right. All right.
You got your 20 grand.
230
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,653
Daddy.
231
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,527
-Do we have a deal?
-Yes...
232
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,295
...on one condition.
233
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:30,803
Well, Mr. Shimokawa,
you got yourself a car.
234
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:34,574
I told Mrs. D'Arcy every man
has his price.
235
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,977
We do.
Just like every woman has hers.
236
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:59,132
Well, good news, Mr. Shimokawa.
You got your car.
237
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,634
And the job is yours, Mrs. D'Arcy.
238
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,437
Because of my great
negotiating skills?
239
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:08,575
No, because you know
how to shake it, baby.
240
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:16,349
Well, in that case,
consider this my resignation.
241
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,402
Isn't this nice?
242
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:39,172
Quiet evening alone
with my loved ones.
243
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:41,674
Oh, Daddy, that's so sweet.
244
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,611
Oh, don't gush it up.
He's talking about his clams.
245
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:51,284
In other news, the president
of the largest bank in Japan...
246
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:56,656
...was arrested yesterday for starting
a riot in a Chicago nudie bar.
247
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:03,596
At least Mrs. D'Arcy didn't get demoted
to drive-up teller this time.
248
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:06,833
Yeah, but now she's the ATM beeper.
249
00:21:08,201 --> 00:21:09,669
What's that?
250
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:12,639
You know when you punch
in your code and it goes...?
251
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:15,575
-Yeah?
-Yeah, that's her.
252
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:20,780
Daddy, I'm sorry
you didn't get your money for your car.
253
00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:24,183
-I got my clams.
-Yeah.
254
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,418
Dig in.
255
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:31,324
In other news, a rare strain of botulism
was discovered and traced back...
256
00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:36,462
...to the all-you-can-eat clam night
at the Chicago's Hobo's Motor Lodge.
257
00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:39,265
Fortunately, most of the tainted
shellfish was stolen...
258
00:21:39,432 --> 00:21:43,803
...by a family of homeless thieves
living in a Dodge.
20665
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