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1
00:01:21,368 --> 00:01:24,571
Bad news, Mr. D'Arcy.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate.
2
00:01:24,735 --> 00:01:26,804
-You do have insurance, don't you?
-Yes.
3
00:01:26,969 --> 00:01:29,371
Well, then we will be
using anaesthesia.
4
00:01:31,102 --> 00:01:33,204
And how are we today, Mr. O'Malley?
5
00:01:34,202 --> 00:01:35,671
My heart hurts.
6
00:01:35,870 --> 00:01:37,738
Good, good.
7
00:01:38,870 --> 00:01:41,806
Tack on another grand
for the consultation.
8
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,672
Thank you.
9
00:01:47,304 --> 00:01:48,972
Hey!
10
00:01:50,671 --> 00:01:52,306
They can get away with anything...
11
00:01:52,470 --> 00:01:55,707
...just because they changed
their first name to "doctor."
12
00:01:57,171 --> 00:01:59,907
Man, when you lose your looks....
13
00:02:02,204 --> 00:02:04,573
Hi, Mr. D'Arcy.
14
00:02:06,638 --> 00:02:10,976
Wow, you look.... You look great.
15
00:02:13,673 --> 00:02:17,009
Remind me on the way home
to pick up a black dress, okay?
16
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,408
Kelly.
17
00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:24,208
Hey, Mr. D'Arcy. You look great.
18
00:02:24,407 --> 00:02:27,043
Well, compared to that guy.
19
00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:31,077
Hey, you guys.
Thanks for coming by.
20
00:02:31,274 --> 00:02:33,877
Where's your dad
and the rest of my buddies?
21
00:02:34,341 --> 00:02:36,543
They wanted to come,
but there was an emergency.
22
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,209
I thought they said
there was a game on.
23
00:02:40,007 --> 00:02:42,510
There was an emergency game.
24
00:02:42,675 --> 00:02:44,910
It just broke out.
25
00:02:45,608 --> 00:02:47,576
But they did send some candy.
26
00:02:47,741 --> 00:02:49,343
Oh, where is it?
27
00:02:53,475 --> 00:02:56,312
It melted on the way over here.
28
00:02:56,575 --> 00:02:58,477
Yeah, in our stomachs.
29
00:02:58,676 --> 00:03:00,010
-Later, man.
-See you.
30
00:03:00,176 --> 00:03:03,246
Hey, don't you guys
wanna know how I got here?
31
00:03:04,043 --> 00:03:06,612
You promised we wouldn't
have to talk to him.
32
00:03:07,076 --> 00:03:11,180
It all started on the day
of my anniversary.
33
00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:15,414
Al and the guys were having a
special NO MA'AM breakfast meeting.
34
00:03:15,576 --> 00:03:21,049
Oh, Froot Loops and beer,
the breakfast of champions.
35
00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:25,214
Don't you know that breakfast is
the most important meal of the day?
36
00:03:25,377 --> 00:03:27,613
So just Fruit Loops for you?
37
00:03:28,278 --> 00:03:31,548
No. Just beer.
38
00:03:33,278 --> 00:03:36,915
Focus! Focus, gentlemen, focus.
39
00:03:37,112 --> 00:03:40,015
We are here
on an important mission.
40
00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:42,381
To save our brother, D'Arcy...
41
00:03:42,578 --> 00:03:46,316
...from the fire-breathing,
lipless beak of his wife...
42
00:03:47,179 --> 00:03:50,182
...on the day when all married men
need their friends the most:
43
00:03:50,379 --> 00:03:52,515
Their wedding anniversary.
44
00:03:53,147 --> 00:03:59,086
Brother Dan, has code name
KFC flown the coop yet?
45
00:03:59,747 --> 00:04:02,350
No, but she's headed
for the living room.
46
00:04:02,547 --> 00:04:05,884
Let's hope there's a man left to
rescue after Marcie's done with him.
47
00:04:06,081 --> 00:04:10,585
Don't be ridiculous. Jefferson may look
like a pretty boy, but he's all man.
48
00:04:11,081 --> 00:04:14,351
Oh, Lance, how I've longed for you.
49
00:04:14,548 --> 00:04:16,950
Don't do it, Lance.
50
00:04:17,848 --> 00:04:20,418
She's really your sister.
51
00:04:21,548 --> 00:04:26,053
Jefferson, did you make me coffee?
52
00:04:29,616 --> 00:04:31,685
Yes, dear.
53
00:04:32,349 --> 00:04:36,186
Oh, a 3:00 job interview?
54
00:04:36,383 --> 00:04:38,218
Fine.
55
00:04:45,984 --> 00:04:49,421
Could you hold on?
I got another call.
56
00:04:49,583 --> 00:04:51,786
Give me that.
57
00:04:53,718 --> 00:04:55,153
You know what day it is today?
58
00:04:56,084 --> 00:04:57,652
Today?
59
00:04:57,818 --> 00:04:59,486
Of course, it's your--
60
00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,187
It's my--
61
00:05:04,951 --> 00:05:06,820
It's our?
62
00:05:07,185 --> 00:05:09,287
It's our....
63
00:05:09,485 --> 00:05:12,955
What could we possibly
have in common?
64
00:05:14,819 --> 00:05:18,456
It's our anniversary,
you soap-addicted wastrel.
65
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:23,290
Oh, Marcie, I was gonna surprise you,
but now you've ruined it. I--
66
00:05:24,553 --> 00:05:27,456
Don't talk. Just listen.
67
00:05:27,687 --> 00:05:29,055
I'll go to work.
68
00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:31,189
Then I'll come home.
69
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,422
I'll set the table...
70
00:05:34,621 --> 00:05:36,623
...I'll cook the dinner...
71
00:05:36,888 --> 00:05:40,958
...and tonight in bed,
I'll even do all the work.
72
00:05:42,954 --> 00:05:46,992
All you have to do is look pretty...
73
00:05:47,788 --> 00:05:51,625
...smell nice and stay away from Al...
74
00:05:51,789 --> 00:05:54,525
...and those NO MA'AM idiots.
75
00:05:57,955 --> 00:06:01,359
Marcie, why can't I play with Al?
76
00:06:01,989 --> 00:06:04,091
It's my anniversary too.
77
00:06:04,289 --> 00:06:09,828
Look, I am tired of spending my
anniversary bailing you out of jail.
78
00:06:10,023 --> 00:06:12,993
Now, you just shower and shave...
79
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:17,094
...and be here when I get home at 7.
80
00:06:21,390 --> 00:06:25,628
-Jefferson.
-Hey, hey, hey.
81
00:06:25,791 --> 00:06:27,826
Look, no, I know why
you guys are here...
82
00:06:28,024 --> 00:06:30,694
...and whatever it is,
I just can't do it, okay?
83
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,592
I promised Marcie
I would stay home...
84
00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,995
...and there's nothing you can say
to make me go back on that promise.
85
00:06:36,192 --> 00:06:40,196
But it's foreign-exchange day
at the Jiggly Room.
86
00:06:41,592 --> 00:06:46,597
Featuring hooters from our sister city,
Chihuahua, Mexico.
87
00:06:46,793 --> 00:06:50,163
-Hey, why aren't you guys at work?
-We're sick.
88
00:06:51,693 --> 00:06:54,195
Except for me, I'm working.
89
00:06:55,493 --> 00:06:57,228
The mayor has been taken hostage.
90
00:06:57,427 --> 00:06:59,762
All available units--
91
00:07:02,593 --> 00:07:04,429
Come on, let's go to the nudie bar.
92
00:07:04,627 --> 00:07:09,165
No, no, no. Look, I just--
I can't do it, it's my anniversary.
93
00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:11,463
Well, we know that.
That's our gift to you.
94
00:07:11,695 --> 00:07:15,799
Yeah. And guess who
the featured dancer is.
95
00:07:15,995 --> 00:07:18,364
Miss Sierra Madre.
96
00:07:18,561 --> 00:07:22,098
Sixty-three triple-K.
97
00:07:23,028 --> 00:07:24,663
Come on, Jefferson.
98
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,631
It's just us, some liquor
and a bunch of Mexican strippers.
99
00:07:27,796 --> 00:07:29,364
What could happen?
100
00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:35,701
Well, you put it that way, okay.
Hey, but I have to be back by 7.
101
00:07:35,962 --> 00:07:38,365
Well, that only gives us nine hours.
102
00:07:38,563 --> 00:07:40,498
Arriba!
103
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:45,199
So the point is,
they practically forced me to go.
104
00:07:46,331 --> 00:07:49,100
Hey, where are you guys going?
105
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:55,033
That was such a good ending,
we thought you were finished.
106
00:07:55,898 --> 00:07:58,434
Heck, no. I was just getting started.
107
00:08:00,298 --> 00:08:04,669
Nurse, I need a Q-Tip and a hammer.
108
00:08:06,898 --> 00:08:11,169
Just pinch that tube,
he'll fall right asleep.
109
00:08:16,999 --> 00:08:18,667
Cool.
110
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:23,603
So I went with Al and the guys
to the nudie bar with...
111
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,435
...only the best of intentions.
112
00:08:25,633 --> 00:08:28,903
Each and every one of us
was a perfect gentleman.
113
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,403
Oh, baby.
114
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:50,705
Hey, I'm a village person.
115
00:08:53,135 --> 00:08:54,537
Mr. D'Arcy...
116
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:58,939
...should I continue to charge the lap
dances on your wife's credit card?
117
00:08:59,768 --> 00:09:03,005
Sure, it's her anniversary too.
118
00:09:03,302 --> 00:09:05,805
Oh, and have one yourself, Iqbal.
119
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:10,007
One thousand thank-yous.
And dollars.
120
00:09:10,303 --> 00:09:13,206
Jefferson, you told me
to tell you when it's 6:00.
121
00:09:13,403 --> 00:09:15,806
Thanks, Al. When is it?
122
00:09:16,003 --> 00:09:18,972
About a half-hour ago.
123
00:09:20,270 --> 00:09:24,274
-I gotta get home.
-I was about to take you there.
124
00:09:30,171 --> 00:09:34,709
Oh, yeah, right. I gotta get
to my home away from here.
125
00:09:35,238 --> 00:09:39,609
I still have to get a present for....
What day is it?
126
00:09:40,771 --> 00:09:42,973
All chicken's eve?
127
00:09:43,172 --> 00:09:45,207
Yeah. No.
128
00:09:45,372 --> 00:09:48,308
Marcie's birth-a-versary.
129
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:51,308
Oh, man, what am I gonna do?
130
00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:55,309
Everybody, huddle up, huddle up.
131
00:09:57,239 --> 00:10:00,409
All right, fellas, when one of us
is in need, what do we do?
132
00:10:00,606 --> 00:10:04,010
Try to help him out and in so doing
we make things worse.
133
00:10:05,007 --> 00:10:08,377
Exactly. But now we need to think of
an anniversary present.
134
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,209
Any ideas?
135
00:10:10,407 --> 00:10:15,346
Hey, you know,
lingerie is always nice.
136
00:10:15,541 --> 00:10:17,943
This is for Jefferson's wife?
137
00:10:18,641 --> 00:10:20,376
Yeah....
138
00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:23,944
Al, what did you get Peggy
for your anniversary?
139
00:10:24,141 --> 00:10:25,509
Well, it depends on the year.
140
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:29,312
The first year is paper,
so I put a big bag over her head.
141
00:10:30,142 --> 00:10:32,678
I can't wait for the
plastic anniversary.
142
00:10:35,142 --> 00:10:38,245
-I just had a thought!
-What?
143
00:10:38,743 --> 00:10:41,012
Why don't you get a tattoo?
144
00:10:41,177 --> 00:10:44,580
I had my boyfriend's name
tattooed on me...
145
00:10:44,776 --> 00:10:46,678
...for his birthday.
146
00:10:48,711 --> 00:10:51,347
-I don't see no tattoo.
-Oh, no?
147
00:10:51,544 --> 00:10:53,746
It's right here.
148
00:10:56,877 --> 00:10:59,914
Oh, man, I'd love
to be her boyfriend.
149
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:03,980
I'd love to be her boyfriend's name.
150
00:11:04,445 --> 00:11:07,214
All right, fellas, break. Break it up.
151
00:11:08,411 --> 00:11:11,381
-Jefferson, you gotta get one of those.
-Oh, I don't know, Al.
152
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:13,780
It's hard enough that Marcie
has to support me.
153
00:11:13,978 --> 00:11:18,183
-Having another mouth to feed....
-Not the girl, you beer nut!
154
00:11:18,346 --> 00:11:20,014
I'm talking about a tattoo.
155
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:23,515
Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
what could be more romantic...
156
00:11:23,713 --> 00:11:27,049
...than having a woman's name etched
into your arm by an accomplished...
157
00:11:27,213 --> 00:11:30,717
-...body illustrator?
-Is there a tattoo artist in the house?
158
00:11:34,647 --> 00:11:37,183
Harris, of course.
This is your lucky day, Jefferson.
159
00:11:37,380 --> 00:11:39,382
Harris can do this for you.
160
00:11:43,247 --> 00:11:46,451
Shake it, baby, shake it!
161
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,551
Well, Jefferson, how'd it go?
162
00:11:57,749 --> 00:11:59,351
Great. I got my tattoo...
163
00:11:59,515 --> 00:12:03,686
...and Harris passed out right after,
so I didn't even have to pay him.
164
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:06,018
-Yeah, let's see it.
-Let's see it, come on.
165
00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:07,918
-Wanna see it?
-Let's see it, come on.
166
00:12:08,083 --> 00:12:10,051
-Nothing there.
-Okay.
167
00:12:10,216 --> 00:12:12,118
That's blank, man.
168
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:18,721
-Maybe I didn't get a tattoo.
-Oh, man.
169
00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:23,219
I got one.
170
00:12:23,417 --> 00:12:25,319
All right, Jefferson, drop trou.
171
00:12:25,484 --> 00:12:28,520
-Hang two.
-Here we go, come on.
172
00:12:29,018 --> 00:12:31,654
Marcie's gonna love this.
173
00:12:34,385 --> 00:12:36,620
I don't know, Jefferson.
174
00:12:36,984 --> 00:12:39,620
I think he left out the C.
175
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,987
What are you talking about?
176
00:12:44,418 --> 00:12:46,654
I hate to tell you this, buddy...
177
00:12:48,152 --> 00:12:49,954
...but you might be married
to Marcie...
178
00:12:50,119 --> 00:12:54,457
...but your ass says "I love Mary."
179
00:13:19,088 --> 00:13:24,593
So the tattoo on my butt said
"I love M-A-R-Y."
180
00:13:24,988 --> 00:13:28,325
So, what's the problem?
M-A-R-Y, Marcy.
181
00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:32,523
There's a C in Marcie.
182
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:35,758
M-A-R-Y-C?
183
00:13:36,989 --> 00:13:41,728
Oh, oh, yeah, the C is silent, right.
184
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:45,059
That's it. I'm gone.
185
00:13:52,124 --> 00:13:55,794
-Shouldn't we do something?
-Yeah, you're absolutely right.
186
00:14:02,324 --> 00:14:05,494
So there I was with "Mary"
tattooed on my rump...
187
00:14:05,658 --> 00:14:08,294
...and Harris was too drunk
to repair the damage.
188
00:14:08,491 --> 00:14:10,460
And I had to get home to Marcie.
189
00:14:10,624 --> 00:14:14,128
Then Al said if I could
stall Marcie for a while...
190
00:14:14,292 --> 00:14:16,794
...maybe he could come up
with a good plan.
191
00:14:16,992 --> 00:14:19,061
And he almost did.
192
00:14:27,293 --> 00:14:31,864
Honey, come on. Dinner is served.
193
00:14:40,927 --> 00:14:42,595
Jefferson...
194
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:46,965
...sweetheart, exactly how many
pairs of pants are you wearing?
195
00:14:48,728 --> 00:14:50,763
Exactly three.
196
00:14:51,328 --> 00:14:53,564
-Why?
-Well, because...
197
00:14:53,728 --> 00:14:58,799
...the third anniversary
is the pants anniversary.
198
00:15:00,628 --> 00:15:02,497
It's our fifth.
199
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:08,499
Well, I'm also wearing
two pairs of underwear.
200
00:15:09,396 --> 00:15:10,430
What is going on?
201
00:15:10,696 --> 00:15:14,667
All right, Marcie,
I'll be honest with you.
202
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,832
I was looking forward
to a little game of...
203
00:15:17,063 --> 00:15:19,933
...strip poker later...
204
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,033
...and I intend to win.
205
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:30,435
In that case, let's just skip dinner
and shuffle the cards.
206
00:15:35,331 --> 00:15:38,668
Baby, you're trembling.
207
00:15:39,331 --> 00:15:41,600
Come on, take me on the
veal scaloppine right now.
208
00:15:41,765 --> 00:15:44,267
Hang on. No. No.
209
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:45,999
No, not after you've...
210
00:15:46,199 --> 00:15:49,035
...gone to all this trouble.
211
00:15:50,599 --> 00:15:52,868
There you go, Mary.
212
00:15:55,265 --> 00:15:57,401
What'd you call me?
213
00:15:59,966 --> 00:16:01,167
Mary.
214
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:04,737
It's my secret little pet name for you.
215
00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:10,538
I mean, Marcie's gotta be
long for something like Mary.
216
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,203
I hate the name Mary.
217
00:16:14,401 --> 00:16:16,436
Now sit down and eat.
218
00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:20,204
I think I'll eat standing.
219
00:16:21,668 --> 00:16:23,536
Why?
220
00:16:24,835 --> 00:16:26,203
Because...
221
00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:30,072
...I find the top
of your head so beautiful.
222
00:16:31,736 --> 00:16:35,072
That and the name Mary are my
two favorite things about you.
223
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:38,004
Jefferson, sit.
224
00:16:38,469 --> 00:16:40,137
Yes, dear.
225
00:16:45,803 --> 00:16:48,806
Honey, why are you down there?
226
00:16:49,236 --> 00:16:50,838
Because...
227
00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:53,206
...I worship you.
228
00:16:54,837 --> 00:16:59,575
Jefferson, eat your dinner now.
Save your knees for later.
229
00:17:03,437 --> 00:17:05,406
Yes, dear.
230
00:17:12,672 --> 00:17:15,041
This looks great.
231
00:17:15,238 --> 00:17:16,673
Hurry up and eat your dinner...
232
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:19,241
...because afterwards we can
go upstairs and have...
233
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:21,273
...dessert.
234
00:17:23,539 --> 00:17:25,541
Oh, boy.
235
00:17:48,441 --> 00:17:50,577
Jefferson, enough.
236
00:17:50,741 --> 00:17:52,409
Bed, now.
237
00:17:52,775 --> 00:17:59,382
Marcie, it's healthy to chew
every bite of food 2500 times.
238
00:18:00,475 --> 00:18:02,910
-One. Two.
-Look...
239
00:18:03,109 --> 00:18:05,678
-Three.
-...I am going upstairs to get ready.
240
00:18:05,875 --> 00:18:10,913
When I come back down, I want you
out of food and out of your pants.
241
00:18:11,110 --> 00:18:13,212
All of them.
242
00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:25,011
Al, how's it coming?
243
00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:29,347
Fine, fine. We're almost ready.
Call back in a few minutes.
244
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:33,013
No.
That doesn't look like a C either.
245
00:18:34,611 --> 00:18:38,849
Hey, he's been trying for three hours.
There isn't much room left.
246
00:18:39,644 --> 00:18:42,447
We're gonna have to shave
that other cheek.
247
00:18:43,278 --> 00:18:46,815
Come on, Harris. For God's sake,
just make a C. How tough can it be?
248
00:18:46,978 --> 00:18:50,181
-I need a shot.
-I'll give you a shot.
249
00:18:54,279 --> 00:18:56,782
Al, is that you?
250
00:18:57,579 --> 00:18:59,381
Al, I'm in Paris.
251
00:18:59,646 --> 00:19:02,416
Everyone here
is so rude and smelly...
252
00:19:02,613 --> 00:19:05,750
...I'm just thinking
about you all the time.
253
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,283
Oh, Al, I know you
think about me too.
254
00:19:11,481 --> 00:19:13,816
I wish I could see
your face right now.
255
00:19:17,214 --> 00:19:19,216
Oh, stop barking at me.
256
00:19:19,414 --> 00:19:23,251
I know you're upset about the cost
of me taking the Concorde over here...
257
00:19:23,448 --> 00:19:25,484
...but I'm hot on Dad's trail.
258
00:19:25,681 --> 00:19:29,618
Yeah, he was spotted at
a Jerry Lewis film festival.
259
00:19:29,815 --> 00:19:31,584
Bad dog.
260
00:19:33,682 --> 00:19:35,484
That doesn't look like a C.
261
00:19:35,682 --> 00:19:37,384
Lay off, will you?
262
00:19:37,582 --> 00:19:40,251
C is a tough letter.
263
00:19:41,082 --> 00:19:45,420
When your blood has more alcohol
than plasma, they're all tough letters.
264
00:19:48,416 --> 00:19:52,787
Hello. Yeah, Jefferson, come on over.
He's as ready as he's gonna be.
265
00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:58,452
Hold it, partner.
266
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:04,220
Going somewhere?
267
00:20:05,617 --> 00:20:07,219
Me?
268
00:20:08,017 --> 00:20:09,886
No, ma'am.
269
00:20:11,551 --> 00:20:13,687
Say, I got an idea.
270
00:20:13,852 --> 00:20:16,554
To enhance the pleasure...
271
00:20:16,752 --> 00:20:21,656
...why don't you go up
and hide somewhere real sexy...
272
00:20:22,252 --> 00:20:27,991
...and I'll count while you hide,
and when I find you, oh, baby....
273
00:20:33,919 --> 00:20:35,888
One.
274
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,222
So then what happened?
275
00:20:44,587 --> 00:20:47,723
Well, I made it over
to your dad's house.
276
00:20:47,954 --> 00:20:49,389
Harris repaired the tattoo...
277
00:20:49,554 --> 00:20:53,492
...and Marcie finally got her
anniversary present.
278
00:20:54,021 --> 00:20:58,192
Well, so if the tattoo was fixed,
then why do you need surgery now?
279
00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:01,690
Take a look.
280
00:21:02,655 --> 00:21:04,824
Old-guy butt.
281
00:21:20,156 --> 00:21:22,658
"I love Marty"?
282
00:21:28,057 --> 00:21:30,593
So I guess you're here
to have that thing removed, huh?
283
00:21:30,758 --> 00:21:31,992
Well, yeah, that...
284
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:35,827
...and the other thing.
285
00:21:38,058 --> 00:21:40,227
What other thing?
21081
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