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Previously on Married With Children:
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00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:20,448
Bud and his frat brothers
had tickets to spring break.
3
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:30,324
Kelly and her girlfriends tricked them
out of their tickets to Fort Lauderdale.
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00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,832
Kelly's running for Miss Spring Break.
Jefferson is one of the judges.
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00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:41,502
Al and Griff didn't need
much convincing to join Jefferson.
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00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:50,311
Which inspired Marcie, Bud
and his cool friends to head south.
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00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,313
Road trip.
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00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,151
Destination, Fort Lauderdale.
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00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,856
So now thanks to
state-of-the-art graphics...
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00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,024
...courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Television.
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00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,961
Let's rejoin Married With Children.
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00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,651
Will you idiots shut up?
13
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,721
Sorry, Mrs. D'Arcy, we're just trying
to take our minds off...
14
00:02:33,888 --> 00:02:36,257
...what Kelly and the easy riders
did to us.
15
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,993
Well, it's a long drive
to Fort Lauderdale.
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00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:43,097
So I suggest
that you enjoy the beauty...
17
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:47,167
...of this great country of ours.
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00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,917
Thanks for the game of chicken.
19
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,552
See you guys at the hot tub.
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00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,987
-All right.
-All right.
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00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:10,791
Gentlemen,
is this not the greatest day...
22
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,927
...of our shoulders, necks
and backs?
23
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,397
This is the life.
24
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:21,402
A vacation paid for with money
from a fraternity-scholarship fund.
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00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,370
It doesn't get any better than this.
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00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,206
It just did.
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00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:31,712
Here you go, gents.
Compliments of the girls in the hot tub.
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00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,649
Hi there.
29
00:03:36,951 --> 00:03:41,155
And here you go, miss.
30
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,161
Compliments
of some needy kid's education.
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00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,399
Now, see, that's my idea of marriage.
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00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:57,204
A gorgeous girl keeps me buzzed all
the time while the wife's out of town.
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00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,241
That settles it.
34
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,445
Al Bundy is moving
to Fort Lauderdale.
35
00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:09,683
That's a nice fantasy, Al.
But what about your job?
36
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,853
Well, I'll just get
some other profession. I'll....
37
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:16,090
Here, I'll sell cans.
38
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:19,593
I'll make more money selling cans
than I ever made selling shoes.
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00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,395
You couldn't make less.
40
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:27,601
Hey, guys, I say we go up to our suite,
slap on a little more Hai Karate...
41
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,471
...and join the babes in the hot tub.
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00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,675
Hai Karate, the cologne
that chicks just can't resist.
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00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,224
What's that funky smell?
44
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:53,727
It smells like geezer.
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00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,363
Hey, you guys,
I'm starting to get a little nervous...
46
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:57,965
...about this pageant tomorrow.
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00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,101
I mean, I've never been in one
that turned out to be real.
48
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,938
Kelly, the key
is to impress the judges.
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00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:08,175
Okay, first you walk prim and proper
down the runway...
50
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,978
...to show the judges
that you have class...
51
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:14,348
...and then you shake your
money maker to get their votes.
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00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,088
Okay, then what?
53
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,890
Talent.
54
00:05:23,057 --> 00:05:25,159
I suggest how many licks
of a Tootsie Pop...
55
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:29,029
...does it take to make you
Miss Spring Break.
56
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:35,269
This also works if you're ever
pulled over for speeding.
57
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,673
Then they're gonna ask you
some politically correct question.
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00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,510
You just answer, "I wanna save
the earth and the ozone layer."
59
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,980
Okay. What's the ozone layer?
60
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:50,951
It's between the N-zone
and the P-zone layer.
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00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,320
Yeah, we got to save that.
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00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,256
And the earth, too,
because once the earth goes...
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00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,592
...the planet's gonna be next.
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00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:02,096
There's guys coming.
65
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,982
Well, howdy, folks.
66
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:25,085
Parley Wayne, at your service.
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00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,655
Hi. My German-luxury sedan
is broken down...
68
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,892
...after running over
one of your state birds...
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00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,795
...the possum.
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00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,364
I'll be needing a tow truck.
71
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,968
Well, hell, I'd like a tow truck too.
72
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:45,305
I'd also like a new wife
and some more teeth.
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00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,575
Look, ZZ Top.
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00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,812
We have got to get to Florida.
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00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:56,784
You keep on calling me names
and you just might land there.
76
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,555
Look, Mr. Wayne--
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00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:05,526
No. Parley Wayne
is my first name.
78
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,062
Last name is Rockefeller.
79
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:12,766
I had to drop it though.
I couldn't spell it.
80
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,970
Look, there's got to be a way
out of here.
81
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,973
I mean, a car, bicycle...
82
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,609
...horse you're not dating
at the moment.
83
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,748
-You know, I do have a truck for rent?
-How much do you want?
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00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:33,487
A $1000
and leave the fat boy here.
85
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,029
That is an outrage.
86
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,998
Yeah, we don't have $1000.
87
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,841
The heck with him.
We'll just walk to the next mechanic.
88
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:57,077
-Now, where would that be?
-Memphis.
89
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:02,816
You know,
I sure am gonna miss Hummer.
90
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,887
Yeah, but on the bright side...
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00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,924
...the back seat will no longer smell
like Sweet Tarts.
92
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,837
You might remember me
from Desert Storm.
93
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:28,842
I'm former-presidential hopeful,
Colin Powell.
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00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,346
I was gonna throw my support
behind you.
95
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:35,148
Well, you still can.
96
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,585
Jefferson,
my life has never been better.
97
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:41,154
I already made 3 bucks
collecting cans.
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00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:45,759
The babes don't realize
that while I'm dancing, I'm working.
99
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:49,663
We are so cool.
100
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,639
-Excuse me, Kelly.
-It's okay, Dad.
101
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,310
Pumpkin, what are you doing here?
102
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:06,480
I'm in the Miss Spring Break pageant.
What are you doing here?
103
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,649
I live here.
104
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,653
Hey, Kelly,
who are your dad's friends?
105
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,988
Well, we're Al's good buddies.
106
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,591
I'm Wesley Snipes.
107
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,961
And I'm...
108
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,196
...Woody Harrelson.
109
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:24,965
Oh, my God.
110
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:28,602
I loved you guys
in White Men Can't Jump.
111
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:36,176
Oh, my God, isn't that George Clooney
star of that hit TV show ER.
112
00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:42,316
So, Daddy, are you gonna come see me
in the pageant tomorrow?
113
00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:45,585
No, Kelly, I'm not.
No self-respecting can-man...
114
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,221
...would watch his only daughter
be gawked at...
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00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:52,225
...by a bunch of drunken riffraff
for cheap prizes.
116
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:55,429
It means $100,000 to us, Daddy.
117
00:09:57,531 --> 00:10:00,634
Here, take some cans.
Go buy yourself a bikini.
118
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:20,487
Man, you know, if I started this
right out of high school...
119
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,991
...imagine how many cans
I'd have by now.
120
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,727
What am I talking about?
I don't need cans.
121
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:30,797
Once you win this pageant,
I'm not gonna be Can-Man anymore.
122
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:33,433
I'm gonna be Hundred-Grand Man.
123
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:38,805
Well, Daddy, I feel good.
I feel strong. I think I can win.
124
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,415
Daddy, you got to do something.
125
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,250
Kelly...
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00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:54,054
...we met the cutest lifeguards.
127
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,823
And they want to share
a keg with us.
128
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,693
But only one because we're on duty.
129
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,299
Hey, how's it going, Can-Man?
130
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,902
Here. Just great.
131
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,638
Jefferson, I'm counting on you
to vote for Kelly.
132
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:14,474
Yeah, you got my vote, Al.
But there are five judges.
133
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:17,210
-She needs three votes to win.
-So who are the judges?
134
00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:19,346
A couple
former pageant winners...
135
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:22,382
...and two of my fraternity brothers,
Wong and DeAngelo.
136
00:11:22,616 --> 00:11:25,786
Well, that's no problem.
We slip them 50 each and Kelly's in.
137
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:30,891
Al, brothers Wong and DeAngelo
are beyond reproach.
138
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,697
Beyond reproach
and rounding second base.
139
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:40,467
Jefferson, you've got to name
me and Griff as judges.
140
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,736
I don't know.
The only way that can happen...
141
00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:45,539
...is if two of the other judges
became incapacitated.
142
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,311
You might remember me from TV.
143
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,681
I used to play Theo
on The Cosby Show.
144
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,151
I love you.
145
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:01,188
I used to kiss the TV
whenever you came on.
146
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,828
Theo...
147
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,897
...I need to talk to you, alone,
right now.
148
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,434
Not now, Al,
I'm with my number-one fan.
149
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:17,637
This involves 100,000 bucks.
150
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,673
Bye-bye.
151
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:27,347
Excuse us, gentlemen. Would you come
here a second? Right this way, pal.
152
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:47,400
Thanks for coming back to get me,
guys.
153
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,940
Actually,
we just came back for gas...
154
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,743
...and you happen to be there
pulling a plow.
155
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,615
Wearing a bridal veil.
156
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,585
It was hot out.
157
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,389
Will someone turn on the radio?
158
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,327
Jim Dixson reporting from the Miss
Spring Break Pageant, Fort Lauderdale.
159
00:13:14,528 --> 00:13:16,830
I'm with one of the judges.
What is your name, sir?
160
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,366
Jefferson D'Arcy.
161
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:24,171
I'm single and free to mingle.
162
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:32,546
Welcome everyone to the 6th annual
Miss Spring Break Contest.
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00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:37,117
Sponsored by the new children's
breakfast cereal, Nothing But Sugar.
164
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,419
Now with Ritalin.
165
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:47,427
And I'm your MC, popular rock-TV VJ,
star of three busted pilots for Fox...
166
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:50,864
...Dangerous Dan Inwood.
167
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,467
Thank you.
168
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,671
Before we bring out the babes,
let's meet our judges.
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00:13:57,871 --> 00:14:00,540
Representing RTV are former
Miss Spring Break winners...
170
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:04,878
...Missy Cameron
and Tammy Grindstaff-Burke.
171
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:12,752
What was first prize back then,
100 grand worth of chocolate coins?
172
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,559
Our next judge,
frat-boy extraordinaire:
173
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:24,698
Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy.
And ladies, he's single.
174
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:31,104
Thank you.
175
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:34,274
Our next judge comes to us
all the way from Taiwan...
176
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:40,113
...Mr. Miyagi Wong.
177
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,888
And our last judge,
from Fire Island...
178
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:53,793
...an organizer of last year's,
Gay Prance on Washington...
179
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:58,098
...Carmine "Cha-cha" DeAngelo.
180
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,706
Now, let's meet our five contestants.
181
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,910
Miss New York, Claudia Harrison.
182
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:17,717
Miss Atlanta, Scarlett Turner.
183
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:23,556
Miss Detroit, Marla Strong.
184
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:29,629
Miss Beverly Hills, Angela Cohen.
185
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,038
Well, she's got my vote.
186
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,575
Sorry, Al,
it was a moment of weakness.
187
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,478
How much for a lap dance?
188
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,281
Hey.
189
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:55,655
And our final contestant,
Miss Chicago, Kelly Bundy.
190
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:01,661
Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly.
191
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,863
All right.
192
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:07,334
Let's begin
with the talent competition.
193
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:04,057
Ladies and gentlemen, may I direct
your attention to the center stage...
194
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:09,796
...Miss Chicago
will now blow a bubble.
195
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:30,583
And now, Miss Beverly Hills...
196
00:17:30,784 --> 00:17:34,988
...will eat a banana.
197
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:47,667
Maybe she's got a cute brother,
Cha-cha.
198
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,943
Okay, ladies, you've proven yourselves
to be incredibly beautiful...
199
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,445
...as well as very talented.
200
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:02,081
So now let's see
what you've got upstairs.
201
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:06,653
No, no, no, no, no, no. No. No.
No, I mean, let's move...
202
00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:09,289
...to the question-and-answer part
of the competition.
203
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,459
We'll begin with you, Miss Detroit.
Now, your question is:
204
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,295
"What would you do
to end world hunger?"
205
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,597
I would tell the hungry people
of the world...
206
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,700
...to take smaller bites
and chew your food thoroughly.
207
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:24,103
That way, your food will last longer.
208
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:28,341
Now, Miss Chicago,
your question is:
209
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:32,479
"What world leader
do you most admire?"
210
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:37,083
I would like to save the earth
and the ozone layer. Thank you.
211
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,353
No. Thank you.
212
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:46,893
Well, now, let's keep things bouncing
with the swim suit competition.
213
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:50,029
We'll begin with Miss Beverly Hills.
214
00:18:56,970 --> 00:19:00,540
Vote for me and I'll marry you.
215
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:07,947
Al, I'm voting for Angela, my new wife,
and don't try to stop me.
216
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,584
Now, look what happened to you.
217
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:14,254
You see what you made me
go and do?
218
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:16,256
I didn't want to do it.
219
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:22,595
And, now, this year's
Miss Spring Break is...
220
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,131
...Kelly Bundy.
221
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,271
No more cans for me.
222
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,741
From now on,
I just pick up champagne bottles.
223
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:39,579
And here to present you with your
prize, TV heartthrob Joey Lawrence.
224
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:53,993
You know, Joey, without make up...
225
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,830
...you kind of look like
my dorky brother, Bud.
226
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:05,505
I am Bud, you beach-blanket bimbo.
227
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:09,576
Yeah, you and the three slut-kateers
thought you could just rip us off...
228
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,811
...and leave us freezing in Chicago?
229
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,014
Well, yeah.
230
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,585
Well, think again. No one plays
Bud Bundy and gets away with it.
231
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:21,721
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Could you cry about this later, Bud?
232
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,823
I'm about to be crowned
Miss Spring Break.
233
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,459
So get off the stage
so I can get my prize.
234
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:31,664
Okay, sure. I'd be happy to,
but first...
235
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:35,168
...ladies and gentlemen, I want
to apologize for taking up your time.
236
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:41,341
I, Joey Lawrence, would just like
to congratulate you, Kelly Bundy...
237
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:45,578
...and judges Wong,
DeAngelo and D'Arcy...
238
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:51,484
...otherwise known as her father,
his shoe-selling sidekick...
239
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,287
...and our soon to be choked out
next-door neighbor.
240
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:02,228
Is that better, Kel?
241
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:09,602
Well, I guess my brother,
Martin Lawrence...
242
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,672
...has thanked just about everybody.
243
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:16,876
So I guess it's time for me
to collect my prize...
244
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,913
...and sing my coronation song, right?
Okay.
245
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,526
There they are. Let's get them.
246
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,831
Mr. Bundy, you're being charged
with fraud and assault.
247
00:21:39,032 --> 00:21:43,403
-Would you like a lawyer?
-Do you know any that take cans?
19759
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