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1
00:01:15,214 --> 00:01:20,085
Well, frat bros, tomorrow we leave
for spring break in Fort Lauderdale...
2
00:01:20,285 --> 00:01:22,855
...and we show the babes
what kind of men we really are.
3
00:01:33,499 --> 00:01:35,067
Hey, come on, guys.
4
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:37,903
Work with me, all right?
This is our big chance to score.
5
00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:41,406
Now, the ratio of girls to guys
at spring break is 6-to-1.
6
00:01:41,940 --> 00:01:44,610
That's the same ratio
of girls to guys at our college.
7
00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:47,045
We don't score there.
8
00:01:47,412 --> 00:01:50,015
That's because those girls
know us already.
9
00:01:50,215 --> 00:01:54,486
See, these girls will be total strangers,
and they'll be really drunk.
10
00:01:54,686 --> 00:01:58,457
You are the coolest guy we know.
11
00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:04,229
You have had live sex six times.
12
00:02:06,765 --> 00:02:08,300
You must lead us.
13
00:02:09,535 --> 00:02:11,637
And lead you I will, Achmed. Okay.
14
00:02:13,372 --> 00:02:15,440
We got plane tickets.
15
00:02:15,641 --> 00:02:17,743
We got hotel reservations.
16
00:02:17,943 --> 00:02:19,278
Have we got protection?
17
00:02:27,152 --> 00:02:29,888
-Hummer, what is this?
-It's my sister's diaphragm.
18
00:02:33,458 --> 00:02:35,527
You said to bring protection.
19
00:02:35,727 --> 00:02:38,297
I wasn't talking about
that kind of protection.
20
00:02:47,072 --> 00:02:48,674
What do we have here?
21
00:02:48,874 --> 00:02:50,809
Who goes, "Bud"?
22
00:02:50,976 --> 00:02:52,277
Who goes, "Weis"?
23
00:02:52,477 --> 00:02:55,147
Who goes, "Er"?
24
00:02:55,347 --> 00:02:59,351
You large-breasted girls
think you are so smart.
25
00:03:00,652 --> 00:03:02,688
Guess where we're going
for spring break.
26
00:03:03,222 --> 00:03:06,225
-Eunuch school?
-Gymboree?
27
00:03:06,425 --> 00:03:08,961
The petting zoo in your pants?
28
00:03:10,495 --> 00:03:11,763
Yeah, you wish.
29
00:03:11,962 --> 00:03:14,497
Hey, we are flying
to Fort Lauderdale.
30
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:19,333
And staying in one very cool
hotel room overlooking the beach...
31
00:03:19,528 --> 00:03:22,264
...where large-breasted girls
will be arching their backs...
32
00:03:22,428 --> 00:03:25,831
...to make their breasts
seem even larger.
33
00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:31,699
We will be thinking of you when we're
rubbing oil on large breasts.
34
00:03:31,893 --> 00:03:34,596
Yeah, maybe Hummer's.
35
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,561
At least mine are real.
36
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,728
-Hey, ours are real!
-Hey! Hey!
37
00:03:42,192 --> 00:03:44,328
Come on, guys.
Let's go down to the basement...
38
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:46,761
...and plan
our babe-scoring strategies.
39
00:03:46,925 --> 00:03:49,161
I'll bring my diaphragm.
40
00:03:51,125 --> 00:03:52,393
Yeah. Cool, man. Let's go.
41
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:56,795
You touch--
Don't even come near me. No.
42
00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:03,025
This is so unfair.
43
00:04:03,224 --> 00:04:05,326
We should be at spring break,
not them.
44
00:04:05,524 --> 00:04:08,260
I mean, we're gorgeous,
and they're, like, gargoyles.
45
00:04:08,424 --> 00:04:09,925
How do we get to spring break...
46
00:04:10,090 --> 00:04:12,526
...when everything's booked,
and we don't have money?
47
00:04:12,690 --> 00:04:14,592
That didn't stop us
from going to Vegas.
48
00:04:14,756 --> 00:04:17,993
-Or Monte Carlo.
-Or the Arkansas Governor's Mansion.
49
00:04:20,189 --> 00:04:22,525
I guess that was just me.
50
00:04:23,622 --> 00:04:25,357
Well, we know what we have to do.
51
00:04:25,555 --> 00:04:28,758
We just gotta figure out
who we're gonna do it with.
52
00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:56,821
It's your move, Griff.
53
00:05:05,619 --> 00:05:08,188
You know what's really gonna make
this game better...
54
00:05:08,352 --> 00:05:10,487
...is when we learn how to play.
55
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:19,819
Maybe.
56
00:05:20,585 --> 00:05:22,286
Maybe not.
57
00:05:23,151 --> 00:05:24,786
Hit me.
58
00:05:26,483 --> 00:05:28,285
You didn't say, "Simon says."
59
00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:37,119
Quick. I need something
I can wear with a bikini.
60
00:05:37,317 --> 00:05:39,552
Well, that would be me.
61
00:05:40,683 --> 00:05:43,419
Something in black
that goes with a bikini.
62
00:05:43,616 --> 00:05:45,685
That would be me.
63
00:05:51,548 --> 00:05:53,951
Miss, I'm not complaining
or anything...
64
00:05:54,148 --> 00:05:56,617
...but isn't it a little cold
to be wearing a bikini?
65
00:05:56,782 --> 00:06:00,219
Oh, it's not for here. We're going
to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.
66
00:06:00,415 --> 00:06:02,317
Help yourselves to shoes, ladies.
67
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,083
We've also got a lot in back.
68
00:06:08,147 --> 00:06:11,116
As do you girls.
69
00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:16,152
-Do you take checks?
-Checks, cash, kisses.
70
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,548
Oh, spring break.
71
00:06:22,745 --> 00:06:25,014
It must be a beautiful sight, huh, Al?
72
00:06:25,213 --> 00:06:28,683
How would I know?
My whole life's been a nuclear winter.
73
00:06:29,712 --> 00:06:32,114
Only way I know it's spring
is when the snow melts...
74
00:06:32,278 --> 00:06:34,881
...and I see my garbage
on Marcie's lawn.
75
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,081
-Thank you. Thanks for your help.
-Thank you so much.
76
00:06:38,278 --> 00:06:39,546
-Thank you, girls.
-Bye.
77
00:06:39,711 --> 00:06:41,313
Thank you. Bye-bye.
78
00:06:41,477 --> 00:06:42,912
-Thank you. Bye.
-Bye-bye.
79
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:46,781
-Have a wonderful vacation.
-Bye-bye.
80
00:06:55,610 --> 00:06:58,313
Why haven't we ever been
to spring break, Al?
81
00:06:58,510 --> 00:07:02,180
Because we, in our infinite wisdom,
got married right after high school.
82
00:07:02,576 --> 00:07:04,611
Junior high.
83
00:07:05,709 --> 00:07:08,412
Think of all the things we missed
by getting married early.
84
00:07:08,609 --> 00:07:11,145
Yeah. Chasing women...
85
00:07:11,342 --> 00:07:14,345
...getting drunk
and vomiting every night.
86
00:07:14,908 --> 00:07:17,511
Eating Vienna sausages
out of the can...
87
00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:21,412
...over the sink, in the dark,
in your underwear.
88
00:07:22,274 --> 00:07:24,710
What were we thinking?
89
00:07:30,774 --> 00:07:32,976
Your turn to roll the dice.
90
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:36,908
Gee, Hummer...
91
00:07:37,106 --> 00:07:43,346
...this couch is so small,
and your lap is so big.
92
00:07:44,139 --> 00:07:46,775
Is there anyplace on it
for little old me?
93
00:07:52,371 --> 00:07:57,143
If it's all the same to you,
I'll just sit to the right of the mustard.
94
00:08:03,205 --> 00:08:07,375
You know, it's such a shame,
us hitting it off like this...
95
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:11,608
...and you having to go away
for a whole week to Fort Lauderdale.
96
00:08:11,803 --> 00:08:14,472
I don't have to go.
97
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:17,873
Oh, could you move
a little bit to the right?
98
00:08:18,070 --> 00:08:19,972
I think my Pop Rocks are going off.
99
00:08:31,402 --> 00:08:35,773
Well, we just have
one teensy-weensy little problem.
100
00:08:35,968 --> 00:08:40,072
My boyfriend just hates it
when I sleep with other guys.
101
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:45,003
Is that your Pop Rocks again?
102
00:08:45,701 --> 00:08:47,937
No, that's me.
103
00:08:57,066 --> 00:09:01,404
Oh, if only I could send my boyfriend
away somewhere for a week.
104
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:05,170
You know, somewhere where there's
lots of girls so he won't miss me.
105
00:09:08,532 --> 00:09:11,202
What? Fort Lauderdale, you say?
106
00:09:11,399 --> 00:09:14,569
What a wonderful idea.
And you have a ticket.
107
00:09:16,865 --> 00:09:19,201
Okay, meet me here tomorrow
at 4:00.
108
00:09:19,398 --> 00:09:21,600
-Yeah.
-And don't tell anyone.
109
00:09:21,765 --> 00:09:23,600
I won't.
110
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,700
It'll be our little secret.
111
00:09:26,997 --> 00:09:28,465
So, Ashley...
112
00:09:28,664 --> 00:09:32,334
...you really wanna spend spring break
with me, down in my basement?
113
00:09:33,096 --> 00:09:37,401
Nothing turns me on more than a guy
who lives in his parents' basement.
114
00:09:38,130 --> 00:09:40,532
I knew it would pay off.
115
00:09:41,130 --> 00:09:45,201
But first I have to get my insanely
jealous boyfriend out of town.
116
00:09:45,396 --> 00:09:49,266
-I'll kill that sucker.
-No.
117
00:09:49,462 --> 00:09:52,299
Because if you did, then I'd have
to take time away from us...
118
00:09:52,495 --> 00:09:54,397
...to wear black panties
to his funeral.
119
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:58,399
And you know
how I hate to wear panties, Bud.
120
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,597
Hey, I have an idea.
121
00:10:08,694 --> 00:10:13,098
Please to be sending your boyfriend
to Fort Lauderdale.
122
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:18,197
He could use $500 for new clothes.
123
00:10:22,459 --> 00:10:24,795
Okay, guys, let's hit it.
124
00:10:26,992 --> 00:10:28,861
Oh, wait a second.
125
00:10:29,059 --> 00:10:30,327
I almost forgot.
126
00:10:30,492 --> 00:10:33,295
You guys go on ahead.
I have to stay back...
127
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,194
...and feed the dog.
128
00:10:36,192 --> 00:10:39,395
You, sir, are a liar.
129
00:10:39,891 --> 00:10:41,860
And I have to go...
130
00:10:42,457 --> 00:10:46,161
...to the bathroom,
for a very long time.
131
00:10:48,658 --> 00:10:50,393
Okay, guys...
132
00:10:50,924 --> 00:10:52,725
...I'll level with you.
133
00:10:52,890 --> 00:10:54,659
I'm not going to spring break.
134
00:10:54,857 --> 00:10:56,492
No, I'm gonna stay here with Ashley.
135
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,425
And I'm gonna have more sex
with her...
136
00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:02,160
...than anyone has ever had with
anyone since the beginning of time.
137
00:11:04,156 --> 00:11:06,759
That's where you're wrong.
Because me and your sister...
138
00:11:06,956 --> 00:11:12,461
...are gonna have more sex
and curly fries than anyone ever.
139
00:11:13,922 --> 00:11:17,926
No, no. Me and Mindy are gonna
run up the all-time high score.
140
00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:21,123
You must all leave.
141
00:11:21,321 --> 00:11:26,993
At any minute, Fawn is meeting me
here with her large, anxious breasts.
142
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,289
Wait a second. Wait a second.
143
00:11:29,487 --> 00:11:32,023
So we're all getting some
right here in town?
144
00:11:32,187 --> 00:11:33,588
What are the odds?
145
00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:35,756
The girls should be here any minute.
146
00:11:35,953 --> 00:11:38,155
-Any minute now.
-Yeah.
147
00:11:50,052 --> 00:11:52,588
This is the life, huh, girls?
148
00:11:52,752 --> 00:11:54,820
How come we never went
to spring break before?
149
00:11:54,985 --> 00:11:57,922
-Because we never went to college.
-Oh, yeah.
150
00:12:00,318 --> 00:12:03,188
Gracias, Hidalgo.
151
00:12:06,651 --> 00:12:07,919
You know what, girls?
152
00:12:08,084 --> 00:12:10,720
The only thing that would
make this trip any better...
153
00:12:10,884 --> 00:12:12,986
...is if we could see
the looks on the faces...
154
00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:16,053
...of Bud and those dust-heads
when they find out where we are.
155
00:12:37,315 --> 00:12:39,851
Any minute now.
156
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,415
Hi, girls.
157
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:04,317
Say, we're on live TV.
Might wanna put those tops back on.
158
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:12,449
You might wanna
put those bottoms on too.
159
00:13:14,112 --> 00:13:16,214
And you with the glasses...
160
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,915
...you might wanna get off the beach.
161
00:13:20,378 --> 00:13:24,549
You probably recognize me.
I'm Dangerous Dan Inwood.
162
00:13:26,844 --> 00:13:30,114
Rock-TV VJ Dan Inwood.
163
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:33,747
I was on General Hospital
two days last fall. Zipper mishap.
164
00:13:33,944 --> 00:13:36,513
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
165
00:13:36,710 --> 00:13:39,280
You were so funny.
166
00:13:39,677 --> 00:13:40,945
Thanks.
167
00:13:41,110 --> 00:13:44,113
I'm sure you heard that Rock TV
and Phi Alpha Delta Fraternity...
168
00:13:44,277 --> 00:13:46,679
...are sponsoring the big
Miss Spring-Break Contest.
169
00:13:46,843 --> 00:13:49,779
Well, we're just here from Chicago
to have a good time...
170
00:13:49,942 --> 00:13:52,311
...and maybe wreck a home or two.
171
00:13:52,509 --> 00:13:55,779
Well, you girls are from Chicago?
We need a contestant from Chicago.
172
00:13:55,975 --> 00:13:57,977
-Oh, my gosh.
-Call it in the air.
173
00:13:58,175 --> 00:13:59,409
-It's a coin.
-You win.
174
00:13:59,575 --> 00:14:01,377
Oh, my God.
175
00:14:04,508 --> 00:14:07,178
Kelly, you're so lucky.
176
00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:09,944
It was right on the tip of my tongue.
177
00:14:10,941 --> 00:14:12,976
Kelly? May I call you Kelly?
Good. I will.
178
00:14:13,174 --> 00:14:14,975
Kelly, this is an exciting opportunity.
179
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:17,075
Yeah, well, I don't know about this.
180
00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:19,609
See, I consider myself an actress.
181
00:14:19,773 --> 00:14:21,542
I don't know if I could go parading...
182
00:14:21,706 --> 00:14:24,843
...around a bunch of strangers
I haven't slept with yet.
183
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,709
First prize is a hundred thou
and a car, Kel.
184
00:14:29,906 --> 00:14:30,940
I'm there.
185
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,574
The snow and ice storm
that knocked out power...
186
00:14:35,739 --> 00:14:38,775
...over much of Chicago yesterday
continues to paralyze the city.
187
00:14:38,938 --> 00:14:41,140
Luckily, schools are closed
for spring break...
188
00:14:41,305 --> 00:14:43,073
...and most employees
have the day off.
189
00:14:43,272 --> 00:14:44,940
So just about everyone is at home...
190
00:14:45,102 --> 00:14:47,843
...warm and toasty,
huddled around a roaring fire.
191
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:48,305
...warm and toasty,
huddled around a roaring fire.
192
00:15:16,636 --> 00:15:19,338
Throw another clog on the fire,
will you?
193
00:15:24,668 --> 00:15:26,303
I thought we burned that phone.
194
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:29,871
No, don't you remember?
We tried. It wouldn't burn.
195
00:15:30,434 --> 00:15:32,069
Hello. Oh, hello, Peg.
196
00:15:32,268 --> 00:15:34,737
Al, is it cold there?
197
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,171
It's as cold as your feet
on my back, Peg.
198
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:41,537
-Where are you?
-Oh, I'm in New Orleans at Mardi gras.
199
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,067
It's really warm here.
200
00:15:43,566 --> 00:15:46,502
-Is your dad there, Peg?
-Well, how would I know?
201
00:15:46,699 --> 00:15:51,337
There's 10,000 people here,
and they're all wearing masks.
202
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:54,502
So the only one who should be isn't.
Goodbye, Peg.
203
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,767
Why is everyone
in a warm climate but us?
204
00:16:07,964 --> 00:16:11,501
Oh, come on, Al. Not everybody is.
205
00:16:11,697 --> 00:16:13,466
Hey, guys.
206
00:16:16,763 --> 00:16:20,834
Well, I'm off to spring break
in Fort Lauderdale.
207
00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:23,332
Why do you get
to go to spring break?
208
00:16:23,530 --> 00:16:25,698
Yeah, you're not a college student.
209
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:28,332
You're not a big-breasted blond.
210
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,765
God knows,
you're not married to one.
211
00:16:31,762 --> 00:16:34,698
No, no.
But I do know one when I see one.
212
00:16:34,896 --> 00:16:38,966
Which is why I'm needed in Fort
Lauderdale on official frat business.
213
00:16:39,162 --> 00:16:42,198
I'll be judging a beauty contest.
214
00:16:42,362 --> 00:16:43,863
What's Marcie say about that?
215
00:16:44,061 --> 00:16:46,664
She said,
"Have fun at computer camp."
216
00:16:47,427 --> 00:16:51,031
I told her I'd be job training. So if you
see her, you'll cover for me, right?
217
00:16:51,561 --> 00:16:53,429
Not a chance.
218
00:16:54,161 --> 00:16:56,730
Come on, Al. This is spring break.
219
00:16:56,927 --> 00:16:59,696
You guys know what that's like, huh?
220
00:17:00,226 --> 00:17:04,430
Well, actually, Jefferson, no.
No, we don't know.
221
00:17:04,627 --> 00:17:07,363
Neither one of us has ever been.
222
00:17:09,692 --> 00:17:12,929
This is really, truly sad.
223
00:17:13,225 --> 00:17:16,095
Warm yourself by the fire, Jefferson.
224
00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:19,127
Tell us what it's like.
225
00:17:20,425 --> 00:17:22,027
Well...
226
00:17:22,225 --> 00:17:25,962
...imagine yourselves
in a tropical paradise.
227
00:17:26,158 --> 00:17:28,460
The palm trees swaying...
228
00:17:28,658 --> 00:17:32,929
...the trade winds softly caressing
the hair of the gorgeous babes...
229
00:17:33,124 --> 00:17:37,529
...bouncing up and down
in their micro-bikinis.
230
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:41,760
An ice-cold brewski in your hand.
231
00:17:41,956 --> 00:17:44,659
And everywhere you look...
232
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,859
...there are nude sunbathers.
233
00:17:48,623 --> 00:17:51,359
And that's before
you even leave the airport.
234
00:17:56,655 --> 00:17:58,223
I wish we could go.
235
00:17:58,421 --> 00:18:00,724
Well, what's stopping you?
236
00:18:06,121 --> 00:18:07,956
Nothing.
237
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,891
Oh, well, you will need some cash.
238
00:18:11,687 --> 00:18:14,857
We got cash. We got cash
from that sale we made yesterday.
239
00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,222
Good thing we didn't change clothes.
240
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:43,354
Hey, they're not coming.
241
00:18:43,552 --> 00:18:45,954
Then I guess
I should take off my condom.
242
00:18:52,017 --> 00:18:57,356
I believe it is the bad weather that is
preventing the girls from arriving.
243
00:19:00,151 --> 00:19:04,021
Hey, wake up and smell
the Slim Jims, Achmed.
244
00:19:04,717 --> 00:19:06,018
They're not coming.
245
00:19:06,216 --> 00:19:08,619
They never intended to.
246
00:19:16,249 --> 00:19:17,817
It's a woman!
247
00:19:21,815 --> 00:19:24,684
Guys. Guys. Hey, guys.
Please, back off.
248
00:19:24,882 --> 00:19:27,484
It's only Mrs. D'Arcy. Come on.
249
00:19:31,914 --> 00:19:33,716
Boys.
250
00:19:33,914 --> 00:19:36,683
Reminds me of my college days.
251
00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:39,815
What are you doing here?
252
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:44,618
Well, your mother called from a float
somewhere on Bourbon Street...
253
00:19:44,813 --> 00:19:47,816
...to ask me to make sure your VCR
was set to tape Oprah...
254
00:19:48,013 --> 00:19:50,816
...because you were gonna be
in Fort Lauderdale.
255
00:19:51,312 --> 00:19:52,881
But you're not. What happened?
256
00:19:54,212 --> 00:19:55,881
We kind of got taken by some girls.
257
00:19:56,079 --> 00:19:57,480
We're not really sure how.
258
00:19:57,678 --> 00:20:02,083
We gave them our tickets,
and now they're not here.
259
00:20:04,845 --> 00:20:10,050
And now, live from Fort Lauderdale,
the Spring-Break Dance Marathon.
260
00:20:10,245 --> 00:20:14,482
All proceeds will be donated
to CBS to pay Bill Cosby's salary.
261
00:20:24,144 --> 00:20:27,280
-That's our girls!
-They're having our fun.
262
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,745
We could be dancing
with those guys.
263
00:20:33,543 --> 00:20:35,311
Don't feel too badly.
264
00:20:35,509 --> 00:20:39,946
Girls like that are just
cheap one-night stands.
265
00:20:40,142 --> 00:20:42,277
You all should be developing...
266
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:48,148
...full, trusting relationships,
like I have with my Jefferson.
267
00:20:48,741 --> 00:20:53,279
Who even now is away at
computer camp trying to better himself.
268
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,308
Mrs. D'Arcy....
269
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,509
Road trip!
270
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:17,343
Destination: Fort Lauderdale.
271
00:21:19,272 --> 00:21:22,208
Goal: Swift and terrible revenge.
272
00:21:22,405 --> 00:21:26,409
But it is a blizzard outside,
and all the roads are closed.
273
00:21:27,038 --> 00:21:30,509
I drive a Benz, and I'm pissed.
274
00:21:33,912 --> 00:21:36,114
Come, my geeks.
275
00:21:36,915 --> 00:21:39,818
Revenge will be ours!
21318
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