All language subtitles for Married.With.Children.S10E11.The.Two.That.Got.Away.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Azkars_track3_[eng]

Look, J.B.
You see, I'm a reasonable man.

See, if you
don't give my client this audition...

...I'm gonna have to have 100 roses
delivered to your wife...

...in your girlfriend's name.

Thanks, babe.
I knew you'd see my way.

Hey. What is it?
Did you get me an audition?

You?

No, no, no, no.
I've discovered a major new talent.

I'll give you a hint.

He just peed on the D'Arcys' roses.

Dad?

No.

Lucky.

Yeah, but isn't it unprofessional
for agents to date their clients?

That's very funny,
Million Man March.

It's a dog food commercial.

Now, all Lucky has to do
is learn a few simple tricks...

...and pretend to like the stuff.

No problem.
I lick your face and pretend to like you.

Gee, Al, I've never heard of
a three-day funeral.

Per chance you don't remember
our honeymoon?

Yes. Something certainly died
back then.

Unfortunately, it never got buried.

I just want you
to look me in the face...

...and tell me
that you are not going fishing.

Peg, I lie about a lot of things.

Who I'm married to, who my kids are.

What that smell was.

But I would never ever lie
about Aunt Betty's funeral.

I thought you said it was Aunt Nell.

It's a double funeral, Peg.

Which is why it's gonna take
three days or four if they're biting--

I mean crying.

Okay, Al...

...you ready to go fishing?

What Jefferson means, Peg,
is that the family said:

"In lieu of bringing flowers
we should all bring fish."

Let's go, Jefferson. No. No, Al.

No, my days as a cad
and a bounder are over.

I feel very strongly that you
should never lie to your wife...

...and for one very good reason.

And what was it again, Marcie?

A lie may give you
temporary pleasure...

...but honesty will bring you
happiness at the end of the day.

And I was so happy that Jefferson
told me the truth about his trip...

...that I've given him
something very special.

Nobody wants to hear
about your filthy chicken love.

No, Al. Marcie gave me
this new telephoto lens for my camera.

Look. Trust me, Al.

I know honesty goes against
everything we guys stand for...

...but women eat it up.

All right. I'll give it a shot.

Peg, I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm going fishing this weekend.

And every Saturday
when I take the garbage out...

...I throw away one of your shoes.

Well, you know, Al,
I'm gonna be honest with you too.

I knew you were going fishing.

And at night when you're sleeping...

...I pluck out your hairs
so you'll bald faster.

Oh, God, I love this place, Al.

It was a stroke of genius
having me cash in Marcie's IRA...

...to pay for this luxury vacation.

Jefferson, would you stop taking
pictures so we can enjoy this place.

Jefferson, would you start taking
pictures so we can enjoy this place.

We're your Swedish masseuses.

-I'm Helga.
-And I'm Inga.

And I'm Alga.

And I'm gaga.

-May we carry your bags?
-Yes.

May we carry yours?

Yeah, sure.

Jefferson, we died and went
to the land of milk and honeys.

Mr. Bundy and Mr. D'Arcy.

I'm Randolph the innkeeper, and
I've been trying to get ahold of you.

There's been a slight change
in your cabin assignment.

What's the change?

You don't have one.

That's okay,
we'll bunk in with Helga and Inga.

Yeah, sure.

Helga, Inga, you're late
for topless happy hour.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, look. You can't bump us.

See, we made our reservation
over a year ago.

Oh, so you did.

Let me explain something.

You're nobodies
and you had a reservation.

Shannon Tweed is a famous actress.

She didn't have a reservation.

Explanation over.

Shannon Tweed?

Star of Night Eyes II,
Night Eyes Three...

...and every fantasy I've ever had
since I got cable?

You know, Shannon Tweed got me
through many a long lonely night...

...of sex with Marcie.

Oh, Randolph?

Yes, Ms. Tweed.

Are those the two gentlemen
that had reservations for my cabin?

-Yes, Ms. Tweed.
-Oh, good.

I did so want to meet them.

I told you
she'd straighten this thing out...

...just like she straightened out
Andrew Stevens in Night Eyes Three.

Yeah. Well, just as I thought.

A mangy shoe salesman...

...and a chronically unemployed
aging pretty boy.

Have them thrown off
the property immediately.

Jeez, I can't believe she said that.

Me either. Aging?

Now, Redford, that's aging.

Now, gentlemen.

Just to show you
I'm not entirely without feeling...

...here's your deposit back.

Oh, and here are
your complementary mints.

I suggest Mr. Bundy have them both.

And you have exactly two minutes
to get off the premises.

Good day.

Well, who the hell
does he think he is?

He can't throw us out of here.

Well, I'm afraid he can, Al.

Private property.

I'll show him some private property.

Lucky...

...if you're gonna be in this commercial
you're gonna have to learn to sit.

Now, sit.

I'll never teach this dog how to sit.

What am I gonna have to do? Beg?

Hey.

Kelly, I cannot get this dog
to do what I want him to do.

Well, maybe you need a rubber dog.

Here, let me try.
I'll show him by example.

All right, Lucky, sit.

Kelly, please.
That's never going to work.

I've already tried doing all that--

Come on, Lucky. Let's go outside
and I'll teach you some more tricks.

Give me a bone with some meat on it,
I'll jump over the house.

So getting bumped from the fishing
cabin wasn't all that bad, was it, Al?

Well, nothing drowns
your sorrows better...

...than a three-day binge
at the nudie bar.

Wow, look at this picture
I took of the lake.

Here's the lodge.

Here's a nudie bar.

Wait a second, Jefferson. We didn't
take any pictures of the nudie bar.

Hey, you're right.
And the nudie bar isn't in the woods...

...and it doesn't have Shannon Tweed
and Randolph in the hot tub.

Holy Moses, Jefferson.
Do you know what this means?

Yeah. Cosby's right.
Kodak paper does make a difference.

Not that, you idiot.

It's payback time.

Nobody bumps us, baby.

Shannon Tweed is about
to get bumped herself...

...right on to the front page
of the National Enquirer.

Yes.

Boy, look at this picture
of Shannon Tweed.

Jefferson, isn't she a babe?

Oh, come on, Al.

I'll bet our wives,
in this beautiful mountain setting...

...with the steam rising up off
the hot tub would look just as good.

No way.

No way.

Jefferson...

...how much do you think this picture
of Shannon Tweed is worth...

...to the tabloids?

Well, let's see.

Your typical celebrity nude photo
brings in, oh, say, upwards of $1000.

But, see, in this case it's a celebrity
doing the humpty dance with the help.

That's gotta fetch at least $10,000.

You see, but Jefferson, even though
we did get bumped from our cabin...

...but I mean, this is a little
heartless and cold even for us.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Al.

You know, the honest thing to do
would be just throw this away...

...and pretend like it never happened.

-You got it.
-All right. Just--

Well, you feel better
about yourself now?

Much.

I'll see you later, buddy. You know,
I think since Peg's not home--

Peg's not home it's probably safe
to go up and take a little nap.

Well, Marcie is home so I think
I'll go back to the nudie bar.

-Later, buddy.
-Back at you, pal of mine.

-You the man.
-Oh, no.

No, no. You the man.

Next.

How dare you reject my dog!

He's Eddie on Frasier, you know?

Ma'am, Eddie is
a Jack Russell Terrier.

You're mutt is a near-blind bulldog.

Well, he looks different in person.

You're in the business.

You know
the camera adds 15 pounds.

And so will those donuts you stuffed
in your purse during the audition.

Now, get out.

Let's go, Eddie.

Jeez, you'd think there'd be
one half-starved mongrel in this town...

...who could make it through
this obstacle course.

Lucky can do it.

Oh, yeah? I suppose he plays Murray
on Mad About You?

Oh, no. He hates Paul Reiser.

In that case I'll give him a shot.

Hungry Puppy dog food audition
number 2073, take one.

Now, run the course.

Come on, Lucky.

Just get into character.

Be a hungry puppy.

Oh, there's a stretch.

Come on, Lucky.

Don't you want to be in the commercial
and make lots of money?

Oh, I know how this works. I get
in the commercial, you get the money...

...I end up sharing a jail cell
with the cast of Diff'rent Strokes.

-Next.
-No, wait, wait.

He can do it, I promise.
He just needs a little motivation.

Just watch and follow me.

Come on.

I love hungry puppy. Come on, say it.

Well, that was great.

The auditions are over.

We have our hungry puppy.

Thank you. There you go.
Have a seat.

Thanks very much.

Attention, media whores--

I mean esteemed members
of the press.

The auction for the Shannon Tweed
hot tub photo is about to begin.

-Show us the goods then.
-Show us the stuff first.

All right, all right. All in good time.

Before I get
to the main event however...

...I would like to start with a genuine
picture of the Loch Ness monster.

-Let's see. Come on, show us.
-You gotta be kidding.

My God, Al, that's horrific.
What the hell is it?

It's a picture of Peg's mom
in the bathtub.

I don't see a bathtub in there.

Trust me, Jefferson,
it's under there somewhere.

That's not the Loch Ness monster.
He's not that big.

So what? We'll slap Roseanne's head
on it and say she lost weight.

-I'll give you 50 bucks.
-Sold.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the main event.

Shannon Tweed as you
have never seen her before.

-Now, we will start the bidding at--
-One thousand dollars.

I got a $1000 here.

-Do I hear more?
-Three thousand.

Oh, come on. You pay twice that much
for Brett Butler pulling out her wedgie.

Come on.

-I'll give you 5000.
-Make it 10.

Ten thousand dollars here.
We have $10,000 going once...

...10,000 going twice...

...so close to a sale.

Make it 12.5.

Jefferson, keep the fleecing going.
If I'm not back...

...you send my mail to King Al,
hammock one, Isle of Yap.

Okay, 12.5, right?

Shannon Tweed here in my house?

Mr. Bundy, I know you're gonna
find this hard to believe...

...but I came by to apologize
for the way I treated you at the lodge.

Well, I-- Apology accepted.
I gotta go now. Bye.

Oh, no. Mr. Bundy, wait.

Look. You know,
being a famous actress...

...I guess I've gotten used
to having my own way...

...and, well, I might have forgotten
that other people have feelings too.

But without those people
I'm not a famous star.

I'm just an average woman.

With way-above-average hooters.

Well, thank you.
God and Dr. Markowitz have been kind.

Anyway, I felt so bad
after I got home, that I--

I talked it over with my shrink,
my herbalist...

...the counter boy at Starbucks,
and they all agreed.

"Shannon, you're a taker," they said.

"You've got to start giving."

Well, you were giving pretty good
in that shower scene...

...in Indecent Behavior.

Well, thank you but that was acting.

This is real.

If I only knew
that I've reached you in some way...

...I'd feel so much better
about myself.

Oh, you've reached me.

Oh, God, you're so sexy.

-If you weren't married--
-Oh, I'm not married.

No, I live alone with
my redheaded mother.

What am I talking about?

There I go, selfishly giving in
to my insatiable lust for you.

Insatiable lust?

-For me?
-Oh, yeah.

Well, that's understandable. You know,
I played a little high school ball.

It really shows.

Shannon...

...you may not understand
what I'm about to do...

...but always remember
that I do this for you.

Al, what are you doing
with that envelope?

Did you swallow that whole thing?

Yep.

It looked like
there was a photograph in it.

Yeah.

Of me in a hot tub?

Yeah.

You blue-collared...

...brown-panted, shoe-selling yokel.

Despite what Siskel and Ebert say
I am quite an accomplished actress...

...as you've so clearly
demonstrated today.

So the next time
you want to see me in a hot tub...

...you rent my upcoming
straight-to-video classic...

...Ernest Pays for Sex.

And don't forget to rewind.

Al. Al, I got them up to 25,000.

Now, I think we should make
like Waterworld and close immediately.

I'm choking.

Well, why are you joking?

-I said I'm choking.
-Oh, you're choking.

Okay, let me help you out.

There. Did you swallow
what was stuck in your throat?

-Yes, Jefferson. I did.
-Good, you're not choking anymore.

No, no. But you are.

Come on.

So how was the hospital?

Any luck getting the negative out?

No, Al's stomach acid dissolved it.

But they did find three quarters
of a commemorative Slim Jim...

...leftover from Super Bowl XII.

That's what I've been tasting
all these years.

Well, despite losing the 25,000 and
the cost for the visit to the hospital...

...and the vintage Slim Jim....

On the bright side is
whenever you're down...

...there's always TV
to pick you back up.

Hey, everybody. Listen.

The Hungry Puppy commercial
is gonna come on.

Is your puppy hungry?

Then get him
Hungry Puppy dog food.

The only food that puppies prefer
to their own tails.

If doggy's nose is dry
And his tongue is black

And his ribs are showing
Through his back

Give him Hungry Puppy
A bite or two

And your starving mutt
Will be good as new

Give him Hungry Puppy
A bite or two

And your starving mutt
Will be good as new

I mean:

I love Puppy Hungry.

That's "Hungry Puppy."

Yeah, what he said.

Hungry Puppy
Hungry Puppy

Hungry Puppy