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1
00:01:14,734 --> 00:01:18,800
And now live from the Cayman Islands,
the Home Swapping Network.
2
00:01:18,867 --> 00:01:21,200
Where you can swap
that old crap you bought...
3
00:01:21,266 --> 00:01:26,266
...from some other shopping network
for some entirely new crap from us.
4
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:29,867
And they say there's nothing
good on TV.
5
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,800
Hi, guys. You wanna catch
a Woody Allen movie with me?
6
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,266
I don't know. Woody Allen's
never really done it for me.
7
00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:39,734
But then again,
I'm not his step-daughter, so....
8
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:47,433
You know, besides, Al, Jefferson,
and the rest of the fat pack...
9
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:51,467
...will be home soon
from losing their bowling semi-finals.
10
00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:53,800
Yeah, I wonder if they let Bud play
this year.
11
00:01:53,867 --> 00:01:57,400
-Why wouldn't they?
-Well, he's an alternate.
12
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,934
Yeah, and he stinks.
13
00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:03,667
Well, that's not fair. He sucks.
14
00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:07,567
But-- But in his defense, he blows.
15
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:14,700
Well, here they come.
Now, if you listen very carefully...
16
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,934
...you can actually hear
the footfalls of failure.
17
00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:36,266
Al, you won?
18
00:02:36,333 --> 00:02:41,200
We are festooned and beribboned,
are we not?
19
00:02:41,266 --> 00:02:42,734
"Best of Breed"?
20
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,800
Well, Teddy's Veterinarian Clinic
donated them.
21
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,233
Last year's winners got shots.
22
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:52,667
Last year's losers got neutered.
23
00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:55,266
I thought you guys
were last year's losers.
24
00:03:00,133 --> 00:03:03,533
Hey, speaking of neutered,
did Bud get to bowl?
25
00:03:04,266 --> 00:03:07,900
Well, actually, pumpkin, he helped us
in much more important ways.
26
00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:16,033
Hi.
27
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,433
No, no, you guys, just relax.
Relax, I got it.
28
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,367
No, let me help you there, son.
29
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,333
Just put them down there anywhere.
30
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,567
That's the best damn alternate
in the league.
31
00:03:34,233 --> 00:03:35,867
Well, men...
32
00:03:35,934 --> 00:03:39,066
...one more victory and we bring home
the Puggy Weaver Cup.
33
00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:41,166
-The Puggy Weaver.
-Can't wait.
34
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:42,800
Who's Puggy Weaver?
35
00:03:46,166 --> 00:03:50,133
Only the most honored bowler
in the history of Jim's Bowlerama.
36
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,467
He's dead now.
37
00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:55,333
But he symbolized the Olympian ideal
of pure competition.
38
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,934
-How did he die?
-He choked to death...
39
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,834
...trying to swallow eight waffles.
40
00:04:01,433 --> 00:04:06,767
We tried to stop him at seven,
but he was going for the record.
41
00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:09,900
What an athlete.
42
00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:13,533
Get a grip, Bob Rooney.
43
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,400
All right, in 10 days we bowl
for the championship...
44
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:18,967
...which means we start
intense training.
45
00:04:19,033 --> 00:04:21,633
Twinkies, Ding-Dongs
and beer are in.
46
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:24,100
Protect your bowling arms
at all times.
47
00:04:24,166 --> 00:04:26,867
Sex before the match is out.
48
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,867
Unless, of course, you can keep it
secret from the wives.
49
00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:36,100
Lock it down!
50
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:43,500
For the eighth and final time,
what are you morons doing?
51
00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:46,633
Well-- Well, ma'am,
if you had taken the time...
52
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,900
...to read page 19
of the sports section...
53
00:04:48,967 --> 00:04:51,700
...beneath the high school
track and field results...
54
00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:54,400
...you would know that we,
Gary's Angels...
55
00:04:54,467 --> 00:04:57,967
...are bowling against A.J.'s Casketeria
next week...
56
00:04:58,033 --> 00:05:01,834
...for the prestigious
Puggy Weaver Memorial Cup.
57
00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:11,266
Good, because I thought this was
the worst puppet show I've ever seen.
58
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:15,734
Now, what size am I?
59
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,533
Well, I'm no expert,
but from where I sit, I'd say...
60
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,066
...too big for shoes.
61
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:28,400
I'll have your jobs for this.
62
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:31,934
Fine. If we can trade
for what's in your fridge.
63
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:42,967
You know, this wouldn't be a bad job
if people didn't come in here.
64
00:05:43,533 --> 00:05:45,734
Hey, Al, do you mind
if I knock off early?
65
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,934
Sure. Go ahead, buddy.
66
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:50,633
But remember, no sex.
67
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,166
Farthest thing from my mind.
68
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,800
I guess I'll tidy up around here
a little bit.
69
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,233
Of course, there's not much you
can do with one hand up in the air.
70
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,800
Except put the other one up.
71
00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:33,166
Al?
72
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:37,033
Oh, you're in the bathroom, huh?
73
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,800
Al!
74
00:06:42,867 --> 00:06:45,767
Your arm is down!
75
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,433
Wait, wait, wait a second.
76
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,967
What happened, Al?
Were you robbed?
77
00:06:54,734 --> 00:06:59,600
No, Kathy Ireland came in here, tied
me up and we had wild sex all night.
78
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:05,900
Cool.
79
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,467
Same thing happened to me.
80
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:11,767
Untie me, you moron!
81
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,600
Hey, Al...
82
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:18,100
...your arm is down.
83
00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:20,834
Hey. Hey, what happened?
84
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:25,000
-Well, apparently Kathy Ireland came--
-Shut up!
85
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:28,667
Jefferson, it was awful. Some guy
came in here and tried to rob me.
86
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:30,700
He tried to make me
open the register...
87
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:33,567
...and it had been so long
I'd forgotten how.
88
00:07:33,633 --> 00:07:37,300
Then he took me in here and he tied
me up and I had to sit here all night...
89
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:41,834
...surrounded by shoes.
Oh, it was awful.
90
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,567
Hey. Hey, I just had a thought.
91
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,133
Have you ever heard
of stress-related illnesses?
92
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,767
No. What are those?
93
00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,633
They're bull, but they've made
people millions of dollars.
94
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:56,333
All you have to do...
95
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,500
...is say that you've been
traumatized...
96
00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:01,567
...and you can't work around shoes
anymore and then sue.
97
00:08:01,633 --> 00:08:04,934
-Sue? Sue who?
-Everybody.
98
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,166
Believe me.
Al, malls across America...
99
00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:11,033
...set aside millions of dollars
for just this type of frivolous lawsuit.
100
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:14,800
It's the American way, Al. And if these
millions are not spent on lawsuits...
101
00:08:14,867 --> 00:08:18,233
...they go to social security,
then nobody gets it.
102
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:27,000
Jefferson, I'll do it.
103
00:08:27,066 --> 00:08:31,000
Damn.
I wish I'd been tied up and robbed.
104
00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:34,667
Well, actually, I did get tied up.
105
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,400
But I didn't get robbed.
106
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:43,467
Hey, wait a minute!
107
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,433
Hey, Peg, guess what.
108
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:51,100
Al, before you go to work
would you take out the trash?
109
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,467
No, Peg, you don't understand.
110
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,533
I've got something important
to tell you.
111
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,834
I know it's not as important
as Richard Bey...
112
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:02,166
...running around with a condom
on his head, but it's all I got.
113
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,500
-What is it, Al?
-I'm suing the mall, Peg.
114
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,900
All I gotta do is pretend
I'm afraid of shoes...
115
00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:13,033
...and not get caught wearing them,
and they give me a bunch of money.
116
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,133
Bad news, Al.
For some ungodly reason...
117
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,800
...they seem to be cracking down
on frivolous lawsuits.
118
00:09:25,867 --> 00:09:28,400
The mall just hired
a private investigator.
119
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:32,633
He trailed me here.
I tried to shake him at the nudie bar--
120
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:36,633
I mean....
121
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:39,200
I got here as soon as I could.
122
00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:42,834
Look, they just wanna be sure
that you're really afraid of shoes.
123
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:44,667
So how convincing can you be?
124
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,000
How convincing can I be?
125
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:04,000
Now, it may appear
that I enjoyed that...
126
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:09,400
...when in actuality,
I'm choking on my own bile.
127
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,300
You fooled me.
128
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:16,700
That's him.
Okay, remember, stay cool.
129
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,567
Our lives are in your feet.
130
00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:23,467
That's why life stinks.
131
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:29,667
Hi, I'm Leslie Baum,
private investigator.
132
00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:34,200
I represent the New Market Mall in your
frivolous $4-million lawsuit.
133
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,400
Charmed.
134
00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,533
Look, Bundy,
I'll tell you straight out...
135
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,266
...I think you're a fraud.
136
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:41,934
Oh, yeah?
137
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,967
Well, with a name like Leslie,
I think you're a sissy.
138
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,667
What was that?
139
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,633
"Come on in.
Stay a week and try to disprove...
140
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:57,834
...my cockamamie little shoe story"?
Don't mind if I do.
141
00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:02,233
Hey, Baum,
you can't just barge in here.
142
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,934
Well, why don't you just put on
your shoes and kick me out?
143
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,266
You're damn right I will!
144
00:11:12,266 --> 00:11:14,200
Will not...
145
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,333
...because...
146
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:21,967
...I'm afraid of shoes, you see?
147
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:25,066
Tell you what, Mr. Bundy.
148
00:11:25,133 --> 00:11:28,633
You have one week to convince me
that you are afraid of shoes.
149
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:32,767
I have one week to prove
that you're the biggest fool alive.
150
00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,400
Right now, my money's on me.
151
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:40,166
So feeling lucky, Bundy?
152
00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:46,200
Let's rock.
153
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,600
Today on Geraldo:
154
00:11:55,667 --> 00:12:00,233
People who survived
being on Jenny Jones.
155
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,934
Mrs. Bundy, I couldn't help but notice
that you're really attached to your TV.
156
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:13,200
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.
157
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:15,934
My TV was talking.
158
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:19,500
You know, if you're willing
to help me out here...
159
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:22,834
...there just might be
a 40-incher in it for you.
160
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,433
Mr. Baum.
161
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:37,867
I meant a big-screen TV.
162
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,934
You mean, you want me to sell out
the man that I've been married to for--?
163
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,667
Is that picture in a picture?
164
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,300
Well, I can't. I won't.
165
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:54,133
I'm telling you, Mr. Baum,
Al really is afraid of shoes.
166
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:58,934
Look, Mrs. Bundy, I can spot a liar
a mile away and I'll prove it.
167
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,533
For instance, take your son there.
168
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,166
Looks like he's reading, but if you'll
notice, his eyes aren't moving.
169
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:11,934
That usually denotes
that he's looking at a picture.
170
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:16,133
From the little beads of sweat
on his forehead, I think it folds out.
171
00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:21,133
He should be heading upstairs
any time now.
172
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:45,266
Al, you gotta be careful.
This guy is good.
173
00:13:45,333 --> 00:13:48,834
Don't worry, Peg, all I gotta do
is go three more days.
174
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,166
If I can serve 20 years with you,
I can--
175
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:57,633
I can handle 72 hours
with squirrel boy.
176
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:04,967
Al, quick, grab the bags.
They moved the finals to tonight.
177
00:14:05,033 --> 00:14:06,600
Zounds.
178
00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:09,533
Well, we better hurry.
Bud, ready our balls!
179
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,667
Men, to the alley.
180
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,800
One little problem, though,
Mr. Bundy.
181
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:17,900
Don't you usually bowl in shoes?
182
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,300
He's right, Al.
183
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,200
It's time to:
184
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,600
He said, "Lose the scam."
185
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:36,300
It's not a scam.
Don't worry, men.
186
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:39,100
I know a way to get my 4 million
and the Puggy.
187
00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:42,000
Al Bundy will not fail.
188
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,800
I wonder if Bundy and the shoe flies
are even gonna show.
189
00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:49,734
I don't know. In the high-pressured
world of shoe sales...
190
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,667
...you just don't wake up and go.
191
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:11,166
Wait a minute.
Who's bringing their work home?
192
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:15,333
Oh, it's just Bundy with no shoes on.
193
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,500
That's cute, Milt.
194
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,667
How's business?
195
00:15:20,166 --> 00:15:23,834
-Dig up a new wife?
-Come on. All right, come on.
196
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:26,233
We'll settle this
on the alley of honor.
197
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,100
Fine, Bundy.
We're gonna bury you.
198
00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:30,967
And then we're gonna steal
your watch.
199
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:36,033
Let's bowl, dead boys.
200
00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:41,100
Okay. So, Al...
201
00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:43,767
...what's this brilliant master plan
that can't fail?
202
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:46,633
I am going to bowl...
203
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:48,900
...barefoot.
204
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,700
And?
205
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:53,033
That's it.
206
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,400
-Well, that's better than nothing.
-That is nothing.
207
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:59,300
Don't worry about it.
This championship is as good as ours.
208
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,567
You need shoes.
209
00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:11,066
Why can't I bowl barefoot?
210
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:13,600
Because we had a guy in here
who bowled barefoot...
211
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:17,834
...fell, got a splinter,
and sued us for $1.5 million.
212
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:21,567
So the new rule is, you need shoes.
213
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:24,567
What are we gonna do?
214
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:27,367
Well, we're gonna have to go
with our alternate.
215
00:16:28,166 --> 00:16:29,533
Bud.
216
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,233
But he stinks.
217
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:34,467
He's my son!
218
00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:37,233
Don't you think I know he stinks?
219
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,934
But he's a Bundy.
I'll give him a pep talk, he'll bowl fine.
220
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,834
Bud boy. I need to talk to you, son.
221
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:49,200
What? Someone need to wipe
their hands on the back of my shirt?
222
00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:52,233
Son.
223
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,266
Remember that time you didn't make
the Little League team...
224
00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:57,734
...and you came home crying...
225
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,867
...and I said it was okay
because you did your best?
226
00:17:01,533 --> 00:17:04,700
-Yeah.
-Well, that was a crock.
227
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:10,066
I was ashamed of you then
and remain so to this day.
228
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:12,900
I'm gonna give you a second chance.
I need you to bowl.
229
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:16,500
I need you to bowl well.
I need you to win.
230
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:19,600
Can you do that for your pa?
231
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,433
-I haven't bowled for a while. I don't--
-He's in!
232
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,333
All right! Yes!
233
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:29,967
Go take a practice throw, son.
234
00:17:30,033 --> 00:17:32,800
You see, that's the good thing
about being a Bundy.
235
00:17:32,867 --> 00:17:35,900
Even though the chips may be down
and things look bad...
236
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:39,066
...every time we-- Incoming!
237
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,533
God, you stink!
238
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:49,233
Look, Bundy, I like you...
239
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:55,166
...so I took the liberty
of securing you a pair of these.
240
00:17:57,233 --> 00:18:00,967
Why, those are
Air Earl Anthony 5000s.
241
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:04,000
The finest bowling shoes made.
242
00:18:04,066 --> 00:18:06,133
Put them on.
243
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,600
Don't do it, Al. It's $4 million.
244
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:13,367
Let the games begin.
245
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,567
Now, son, listen to me
very carefully.
246
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:03,433
Last frame.
247
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,600
We're down by nine.
248
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:11,000
You have two shots to knock
all 10 pins down and we win.
249
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,133
Can you do it, son?
250
00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:17,567
-Dad, I'm a little rusty. I don't--
-Piece of cake!
251
00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:19,433
Come on, Bud. Come on.
252
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:24,867
Okay, Bud. Okay.
Whatever you do don't leave a split.
253
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:30,233
Gee, I wonder what's
gonna happen now.
254
00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:35,533
Yes. He left a six-seven-ten.
255
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,533
He'll never be able to pick up
the six-seven-ten. We won.
256
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,000
We're resurrected.
257
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,867
Stop!
258
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,300
Daddy's got a new pair of shoes.
259
00:20:28,266 --> 00:20:30,967
Yes! Yes!
260
00:20:31,033 --> 00:20:32,800
Yes!
261
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:35,300
You're the man.
262
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,900
Look, Peggy, the Puggy.
263
00:20:48,934 --> 00:20:50,834
Can you feel the excitement?
264
00:20:51,533 --> 00:20:52,967
No, Al.
265
00:20:53,033 --> 00:20:57,667
As usual, when you're excited,
I feel nothing.
266
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:01,100
It's the 4 million, isn't it?
267
00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:03,467
Why did you do it, Al?
268
00:21:03,533 --> 00:21:06,967
Why did you snuff out any hope at all
for a better life?
269
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:10,600
Well, it's a guy thing, Peg.
270
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:14,633
I couldn't let a couple of bucks come
between me and my friends...
271
00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:17,867
...they wouldn't talk to me anymore
and then I'd just have...
272
00:21:17,934 --> 00:21:19,333
...you.
273
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:23,900
Hey, Al, hurry up.
The winner's ball is starting.
274
00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:28,967
Oh, and Griff has already eaten
the crust off all the pies.
275
00:21:30,867 --> 00:21:34,133
Oh, Peg, can life be better?
276
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,700
Sadly...
277
00:21:35,767 --> 00:21:36,867
...pathetically...
278
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:38,667
...no.
21410
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