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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:15,387 --> 00:01:17,323 Look at it, Jefferson. 2 00:01:17,487 --> 00:01:21,425 The elegance, the form, the sheer grace of motion. 3 00:01:21,587 --> 00:01:24,290 The triumph of the human spirit. 4 00:01:24,454 --> 00:01:27,757 And now, on Monster Trucking: 5 00:01:29,054 --> 00:01:34,993 Tyrannosaurus Wreck will attempt to mow over nine flaming prison buses. 6 00:01:36,020 --> 00:01:41,392 Boy, PBS has really changed since the Republicans took over. 7 00:01:42,453 --> 00:01:44,055 Hey. 8 00:01:48,853 --> 00:01:50,822 -Mail's here. -What'd we get? 9 00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:53,756 Well, you've got bills. 10 00:01:54,353 --> 00:01:56,422 I got fan mail. 11 00:01:57,286 --> 00:01:59,689 Oh, and I think we all know what little handyman... 12 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,522 ...gets Self Touchers Quarterly. 13 00:02:04,353 --> 00:02:06,455 And this is for you. 14 00:02:06,787 --> 00:02:12,092 Oh, a letter from the Office of Bingo Affairs. 15 00:02:12,286 --> 00:02:14,689 No doubt a part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco... 16 00:02:14,853 --> 00:02:17,489 ...and Useless Blood-Sucking Spouses. 17 00:02:19,253 --> 00:02:24,658 Al, I have been invited to the Windy City Bingo Invitational. 18 00:02:24,819 --> 00:02:26,621 You know what this means? 19 00:02:26,786 --> 00:02:29,488 The couch is in danger of flying away? 20 00:02:30,219 --> 00:02:32,789 This is the World Series of bingo. 21 00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:36,189 Top prize is $10,000. 22 00:02:36,386 --> 00:02:38,155 Well, I think it's exciting, Peggy. 23 00:02:38,353 --> 00:02:40,655 So you'll come to the tournament with me? 24 00:02:40,819 --> 00:02:44,022 Oh, well, I would... 25 00:02:44,186 --> 00:02:48,991 ...but I can't. You see, bingo brings up sad memories for me. 26 00:02:49,153 --> 00:02:52,156 I had a dog named Bingo once... 27 00:02:52,619 --> 00:02:55,522 ...who died a tragic death. 28 00:02:55,819 --> 00:02:58,789 I thought you had a cat named Gringo that lived to be a hundred. 29 00:03:02,452 --> 00:03:04,988 Well, then I guess I can go. 30 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,421 Thank you so much, honey pot. 31 00:03:07,619 --> 00:03:12,390 Peggy, do I have time to go home and freshen up and amend my will? 32 00:03:12,951 --> 00:03:16,155 Sure. The tournament isn't until next Tuesday. 33 00:03:16,352 --> 00:03:20,189 Don't worry, Al, this isn't gonna cost you one red cent. 34 00:03:20,385 --> 00:03:21,653 Good. 35 00:03:21,818 --> 00:03:23,987 Give me $300. 36 00:03:24,818 --> 00:03:26,086 What for? 37 00:03:26,252 --> 00:03:28,054 -Bingo clothes. -You-- 38 00:03:30,552 --> 00:03:32,854 Here, you Denver boot of a woman. 39 00:03:36,252 --> 00:03:38,020 Hey, Peg, don't forget about dinner. 40 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,788 Steak? Sounds great. Thank you. 41 00:03:42,985 --> 00:03:47,256 Bingo invitational. Jeez, the things that excite women. 42 00:03:47,451 --> 00:03:52,456 And now a word from our sponsor, Girlie Girl Beer. 43 00:03:54,785 --> 00:03:57,154 The official beer of NO MA'AM. 44 00:03:57,351 --> 00:03:59,787 I hope this where the girls are washing their cars... 45 00:04:00,018 --> 00:04:01,853 ...and they turn their hoses on each other. 46 00:04:02,018 --> 00:04:04,354 I hope it's the one where the girls are studying... 47 00:04:04,518 --> 00:04:07,020 ...and then they turn the hoses on each other. 48 00:04:08,551 --> 00:04:12,355 Hi, I'm Yoko Ono... 49 00:04:12,718 --> 00:04:16,922 ...the new spokeshuman for Girlie Girl Beer. 50 00:04:17,751 --> 00:04:20,988 Because we care about the environment... 51 00:04:21,151 --> 00:04:24,954 ...Girlie Girl Beer will donate one nickel per case... 52 00:04:25,117 --> 00:04:28,154 ...to save our vanishing rain forests. 53 00:04:28,318 --> 00:04:33,222 And now, a song I've written. 54 00:04:35,217 --> 00:04:37,153 Jefferson, give me the remote. 55 00:04:53,650 --> 00:04:55,752 It wasn't enough breaking up the Beatles. 56 00:04:55,917 --> 00:04:58,386 Now she's ruined our beer. 57 00:04:58,583 --> 00:05:01,253 Jefferson, call an emergency meeting of the troops. 58 00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:05,287 NO MA'AM must pick a new official beer. 59 00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:27,151 What's going on in the garage? 60 00:05:27,317 --> 00:05:32,855 Your father and the flab four are trying to come up with a new official beer. 61 00:05:33,016 --> 00:05:36,286 You mean they finished their search for the official pork rind? 62 00:05:37,549 --> 00:05:39,184 Peg? 63 00:05:42,582 --> 00:05:46,320 We need something to cleanse the palate between beers. 64 00:05:46,649 --> 00:05:49,385 Have you tried toothpaste? 65 00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:53,553 No, Peg. Toothpaste is for people who kiss, smile or eat. 66 00:05:54,249 --> 00:05:57,385 Well, if you kissed, you might eat. 67 00:05:58,416 --> 00:06:00,718 Yeah, but I wouldn't smile. 68 00:06:03,182 --> 00:06:06,252 "Do not sell after 1989." 69 00:06:10,815 --> 00:06:13,217 Hell, I'm not selling, I'm eating. 70 00:06:14,616 --> 00:06:16,885 Hey, listen, Dad. 71 00:06:17,082 --> 00:06:18,817 As an outsider of NO MA'AM... 72 00:06:19,149 --> 00:06:21,451 ...and if there's a God, this family... 73 00:06:21,616 --> 00:06:24,986 ...why do a bunch of guys who are bleary when sober need an official beer? 74 00:06:25,149 --> 00:06:26,750 Bud. 75 00:06:26,948 --> 00:06:29,518 While NO MA'AM may look like a loose assortment... 76 00:06:29,682 --> 00:06:32,484 ...of foot pads, rakes and rapscallions... 77 00:06:32,648 --> 00:06:36,252 ...we are, in fact, a proud order of dignified men... 78 00:06:36,415 --> 00:06:40,385 ...who serve our community with honor and panache. 79 00:06:40,948 --> 00:06:42,817 Hey, Al. Come quick. 80 00:06:42,982 --> 00:06:45,217 Ike's got an atomic fireball stuck up his nose! 81 00:06:45,381 --> 00:06:50,219 Again? Didn't he learn his lesson from the corn dog? 82 00:06:50,848 --> 00:06:52,784 -Get the video camera. -And the Dirt Devil? 83 00:06:52,948 --> 00:06:54,817 No, she's reading. 84 00:06:56,081 --> 00:06:57,983 Al. 85 00:06:59,648 --> 00:07:03,452 Just how long are you guys gonna be Jim Carreying around in there? 86 00:07:03,648 --> 00:07:05,383 I need a ride to the bingo tournament. 87 00:07:05,581 --> 00:07:08,818 No, Peg. We're picking a beer. 88 00:07:08,981 --> 00:07:12,685 Can't you hitch a ride on Marcie's poultry wagon? 89 00:07:13,615 --> 00:07:16,351 Al, the church is in a very dangerous neighborhood. 90 00:07:16,515 --> 00:07:19,484 What could happen, Peg, a drive-by plucking? 91 00:07:20,248 --> 00:07:21,849 Fine. Then don't take me. 92 00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:24,650 But I'm gonna just bust up your little beer party here... 93 00:07:24,847 --> 00:07:27,050 ...and ask some stupid questions about sports. 94 00:07:27,248 --> 00:07:30,117 Oh, get in the car, Peg. 95 00:07:30,647 --> 00:07:33,050 And don't forget. You gotta pick me up at 9:00. 96 00:07:33,214 --> 00:07:36,718 -Fine. -Al! Look! 97 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,249 We've got British ale. 98 00:07:41,447 --> 00:07:45,084 Men, don't forget. British ale must be served warm. 99 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,582 This is charming, Peggy. 100 00:07:56,747 --> 00:07:58,382 Thanks for inviting me. 101 00:07:58,547 --> 00:08:02,551 And the women are wearing my favorite scent: dust. 102 00:08:03,013 --> 00:08:05,482 Oh, just relax, Marcie. This is gonna be fun. 103 00:08:05,681 --> 00:08:09,151 Sit down and soak up the ambiance. 104 00:08:13,213 --> 00:08:17,618 There is now an open chair at table nine. 105 00:08:24,347 --> 00:08:27,550 Maybe I'll just play with one of these. 106 00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:29,915 Touch that marker... 107 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,450 ...and you're gonna be eating through a straw like the rest of us. 108 00:08:35,413 --> 00:08:37,581 Oh, well... 109 00:08:37,780 --> 00:08:42,785 ...I guess I'll just sit here until Al comes to pick us up... 110 00:08:43,413 --> 00:08:45,815 ...seven hours from now. 111 00:08:49,179 --> 00:08:51,682 Squeak that chair one more time... 112 00:08:51,846 --> 00:08:55,550 ...and you'll wish you were never born like the rest of us! 113 00:08:58,212 --> 00:09:00,515 I-28. 114 00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:10,584 Peggy, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable around Brunhilda here. 115 00:09:11,346 --> 00:09:13,181 Oh, that's just Ceil. 116 00:09:13,379 --> 00:09:15,448 She's really nice once you get to know her. 117 00:09:15,613 --> 00:09:17,281 Offer her a potato chip. 118 00:09:17,446 --> 00:09:20,749 G-57. 119 00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:22,681 Would you like a chip? 120 00:09:36,945 --> 00:09:38,280 Back to business. 121 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:43,617 Beer will be judged by nose, body, taste and color of exit. 122 00:09:46,345 --> 00:09:49,615 And remember, no drinking. 123 00:09:49,779 --> 00:09:53,382 We will sip, swish and spit. 124 00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:57,882 I'll sip and spit, but I ain't gonna swish. 125 00:09:59,211 --> 00:10:01,614 You'll swish and like it. 126 00:10:02,211 --> 00:10:05,014 We will now commence with the official NO MA'AM beer tasting. 127 00:10:05,211 --> 00:10:08,848 Jefferson, would you do the honors, please? 128 00:10:09,145 --> 00:10:11,580 Gladly. 129 00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:15,481 Now, our first candidate comes from Asia Minor... 130 00:10:15,644 --> 00:10:20,015 ...is made from agave and bladderwort. 131 00:10:39,611 --> 00:10:41,379 All right. 132 00:10:42,644 --> 00:10:46,782 Our next beer is a fine Afghani ale... 133 00:10:47,244 --> 00:10:52,149 ...whose name loosely translated means "yellow mountain runoff." 134 00:10:54,943 --> 00:10:56,845 Oh, hey, look. 135 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:59,246 There's a prize in every can. 136 00:10:59,444 --> 00:11:02,180 I'd be careful about that prize stuff. 137 00:11:02,344 --> 00:11:05,380 Remember what fell out of that Chernobyl beer. 138 00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:12,315 What? That was an olive, right? 139 00:11:15,244 --> 00:11:16,979 Sure, with an eyebrow. 140 00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:21,413 All right, all right, all right, all right. 141 00:11:21,610 --> 00:11:24,313 Let's forget about this wimpy foreign beer. 142 00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:27,079 We're Americans. Let's drink American. 143 00:11:28,044 --> 00:11:30,446 What's our first American beer? 144 00:11:30,877 --> 00:11:32,378 Dos Equis! 145 00:11:38,410 --> 00:11:41,546 N-41. 146 00:11:44,176 --> 00:11:46,278 Peggy, I don't think I can sit here any longer. 147 00:11:46,443 --> 00:11:48,545 Shut up. 148 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,812 Just relax, Marcie. This is the last game. 149 00:11:52,976 --> 00:11:55,812 Whoever wins this one gets the big jackpot. 150 00:11:56,009 --> 00:11:57,944 Shut up! 151 00:11:58,942 --> 00:12:02,246 G-58. 152 00:12:05,276 --> 00:12:08,212 Look, Peggy, all you need is one more square. 153 00:12:08,376 --> 00:12:11,913 Yeah. But I never win anything. I just play for fun. 154 00:12:12,076 --> 00:12:15,279 N-33. 155 00:12:15,476 --> 00:12:17,979 Bingo! Bingo! 156 00:12:18,176 --> 00:12:21,346 Oh, my God, bingo! 157 00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,778 Congratulations, Peggy! 158 00:12:24,976 --> 00:12:26,944 Shut up! 159 00:12:28,243 --> 00:12:32,247 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the $10,000 grand prize... 160 00:12:32,442 --> 00:12:34,678 ...Mrs. Peggy Bundy. 161 00:12:39,275 --> 00:12:43,212 Oh, Peggy, what are you gonna do with $10,000? 162 00:12:43,375 --> 00:12:45,944 Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. 163 00:12:46,108 --> 00:12:48,344 Of course, I "needy" it all. 164 00:12:51,709 --> 00:12:54,845 It's 9:00. Al should be pulling up soon. 165 00:13:02,475 --> 00:13:04,577 Wait, Al, look it's 9:00. 166 00:13:04,741 --> 00:13:07,978 When are we gonna stop sipping and start drinking some of this stuff? 167 00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:12,379 Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty. 168 00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:15,177 What's foreplay? 169 00:13:16,941 --> 00:13:19,344 About 10 seconds. 170 00:13:21,574 --> 00:13:22,842 Then what's sex? 171 00:13:26,808 --> 00:13:30,445 All right, men. Focus, men, focus. 172 00:13:30,875 --> 00:13:34,045 All right, from now on we'll each drink a little beer. 173 00:13:34,207 --> 00:13:37,778 But remember, we must still show decorum. 174 00:13:41,207 --> 00:13:43,310 -Claudia Schiffer. -Pamela Anderson. 175 00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:46,477 -Claudia Schiffer. -Pamela Anderson. 176 00:13:50,441 --> 00:13:52,610 What is the problem? 177 00:13:52,775 --> 00:13:56,211 You guys haven't thrown a frigging punch. 178 00:13:57,574 --> 00:14:01,145 Hey, Al. I don't wanna box anymore. 179 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:04,110 Let's dance. 180 00:14:05,041 --> 00:14:07,643 When you were dancing, you wanted to box. 181 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,310 Oh, but-- But when I was dancing... 182 00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:12,877 ...I didn't get to lead. 183 00:14:15,374 --> 00:14:18,711 Get out there, you big happy boy. 184 00:14:23,141 --> 00:14:26,377 Hey, Jefferson, I got a bad feeling. 185 00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:28,909 Well, heck, you had about 40 beers. 186 00:14:29,074 --> 00:14:31,376 It's-- It's a wonder you can feel anything. 187 00:14:31,573 --> 00:14:37,346 No, I think I was supposed to do something around 9:00. 188 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,275 What time is it? 189 00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:45,477 -It's 10:15. -Oh, then I probably already done it. 190 00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:51,844 Hey, Bob Rooney. Go to the kidneys. Go to the kidneys. 191 00:14:52,340 --> 00:14:56,010 Go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. 192 00:15:04,273 --> 00:15:07,209 Well, staying true to his performance in bed... 193 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,811 ...I think it's safe to say that Al has let me down again. 194 00:15:12,673 --> 00:15:14,608 Unfortunately, in this case... 195 00:15:14,773 --> 00:15:17,876 ...I can't just reach into the night stand and get myself home. 196 00:15:23,806 --> 00:15:27,243 Well, thank goodness we're in the comfort of a church. 197 00:15:27,439 --> 00:15:30,175 Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out. 198 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,741 I thought this was a sanctuary. 199 00:15:32,939 --> 00:15:37,010 Yeah, until 11. After that, it's just another crime scene. 200 00:15:37,873 --> 00:15:40,742 You don't understand. We don't have a ride home... 201 00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:42,975 ...and we're carrying $10,000 in cash. 202 00:15:43,139 --> 00:15:46,342 Now, if you make us leave, there's no telling what will happen to us. 203 00:15:46,506 --> 00:15:49,609 Oh, I know exactly what would happen to you. 204 00:15:50,406 --> 00:15:54,843 But luckily, doctors today can reattach almost anything. 205 00:15:55,738 --> 00:15:57,940 Take me. Would you believe this isn't my real--? 206 00:15:58,139 --> 00:16:01,342 Peggy! I think we should call a cab. 207 00:16:02,738 --> 00:16:05,741 You'll never get a cab this time of night. 208 00:16:06,205 --> 00:16:07,807 You could get one in the morning... 209 00:16:08,005 --> 00:16:10,574 ...if you wouldn't mind shacking up with me. 210 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:16,209 I got a hot plate and some macaroni and cheese. 211 00:16:17,338 --> 00:16:18,606 Marcie? 212 00:16:20,538 --> 00:16:22,907 Look, dream date. 213 00:16:24,172 --> 00:16:26,775 There's gotta be another way out of here. 214 00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:30,642 There is one other way. My cousin Elmo drives a gypsy cab. 215 00:16:30,805 --> 00:16:34,208 He can come and get you for $200. 216 00:16:34,605 --> 00:16:38,309 I can't believe you are ripping us off in a sacred place. 217 00:16:38,471 --> 00:16:40,140 God is gonna get you. 218 00:16:41,004 --> 00:16:44,274 Yeah, there's so much more he can take from me. 219 00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:51,777 Well, we are not paying $200 for a cab, you cave-dwelling pirate. 220 00:16:51,937 --> 00:16:54,240 Suit yourself, bucko. 221 00:17:06,837 --> 00:17:08,806 Sorry for the bumpy ride. 222 00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:12,274 It's hard to steer when you're coming off drugs. 223 00:17:13,038 --> 00:17:15,540 Hey, watch out! 224 00:17:17,171 --> 00:17:19,273 Damn jogger. 225 00:17:21,004 --> 00:17:24,041 Don't you think you should turn your headlights on? 226 00:17:24,203 --> 00:17:28,541 Nope, but feel free to turn on yours. 227 00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:33,273 I should report him. What's his name? 228 00:17:34,004 --> 00:17:37,274 "Dan Rostenkowski"? 229 00:17:42,404 --> 00:17:43,405 Why are you stopping? 230 00:17:43,570 --> 00:17:46,540 Well, you see this thing here on my leg? 231 00:17:46,737 --> 00:17:49,373 I go two more blocks, I'll violate my parole... 232 00:17:49,537 --> 00:17:51,873 ...we all explode together. 233 00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:54,506 Which is something I've been hankering for... 234 00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:58,373 ...since you two hot mamas slid into my cab. 235 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,306 -I think we'll just get out here. -Fine. 236 00:18:01,470 --> 00:18:04,540 My buddy Abdula will take you the rest of the way. 237 00:18:08,137 --> 00:18:11,807 I find driving to be a really Zen experience. 238 00:18:12,270 --> 00:18:15,740 I think the faster you go, the faster you get there. 239 00:18:16,603 --> 00:18:21,441 I never knew a Geo Metro could go 140 miles an hour. 240 00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:26,674 Yeah. They corner great too. Watch. 241 00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:34,873 What a relief to be in a normal cab. 242 00:18:35,069 --> 00:18:36,771 You seem like a nice person. 243 00:18:36,935 --> 00:18:39,538 Well, I love my work. 244 00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:44,840 -How long have you been driving? -Seventy-two hours...straight. 245 00:18:46,670 --> 00:18:49,506 Driving's helped me forget about the two-timing dirty dog... 246 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,339 ...who left me and took everything. 247 00:18:53,269 --> 00:18:56,172 I'll have the last laugh when he finds out I wrapped his cab... 248 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:59,072 ...around a telephone pole, wearing his favorite shirt. 249 00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:03,873 I got your, "She was only making the bed." 250 00:19:22,769 --> 00:19:25,672 So where's Dad and the rest of the lawn sprinklers? 251 00:19:26,735 --> 00:19:30,205 Well, the last time I saw, Buck was giving them all sleigh rides. 252 00:19:34,068 --> 00:19:35,870 The horror. 253 00:19:36,035 --> 00:19:38,804 The unspeakable horror. 254 00:19:48,768 --> 00:19:52,471 -Claudia Schiffer. -Tastes great. 255 00:19:56,968 --> 00:19:59,604 Oh, look, my children. 256 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:04,071 What's-her-name and Don't-worry-about-me-I'm-on-the-pill. 257 00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:09,269 Bud. Kelly. 258 00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:13,038 When your mother asks about this, and she will... 259 00:20:13,235 --> 00:20:18,440 ...you tell her we just tasted one beer and went right to sheep. 260 00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,904 What if she asks why you didn't pick up your wife? 261 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:25,403 You just tell her because she was too heavy. 262 00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:36,136 Hey, pookie. 263 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,568 How was bingo? 264 00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:42,305 It was great, Al. I won the $10,000. 265 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,702 Ten thousand dollars, Peg? 266 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:49,168 Let me see it. 267 00:20:53,633 --> 00:20:55,568 This is only three bucks. 268 00:20:56,434 --> 00:20:59,504 Well, that's all we had left... 269 00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:04,638 ...after fighting our way north via the underground railroad! 270 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:10,103 -Thank your father, kids. -Thanks, Dad. 271 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:13,102 All this for new official beer. 272 00:21:13,733 --> 00:21:16,169 That's what we forgot to do. 273 00:21:16,366 --> 00:21:18,335 Pick a new official beer. 274 00:21:20,433 --> 00:21:22,101 How about Girlie Girl? 275 00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,502 -Hear, hear! -Good choice. 276 00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:28,169 Hey, boy, that was easy. 277 00:21:28,999 --> 00:21:30,601 Where were we? 278 00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:35,038 Hey, I know. You guys stay put. 279 00:21:35,233 --> 00:21:37,035 I'll be right back. 280 00:21:37,266 --> 00:21:40,369 Al, it's 9:00. Where are you going? 281 00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:43,770 Yeah. I gotta go pick up the wife. 21464

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