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1
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,279
-Hi, Mom.
-Hi, Mom.
2
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,388
Kelly, I am so glad you're home.
3
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,056
I'm entering this new contest...
4
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,959
...and I need you to think
of something clever.
5
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:42,036
-Bud, is something wrong?
-Yeah.
6
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,472
You just asked someone
with the IQ of mustard...
7
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,507
...to think of something clever.
8
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:53,214
I will have you know,
oh, winged monkey man...
9
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:56,984
...that I am just as smart
as anybody else in this room.
10
00:01:57,184 --> 00:02:00,921
So you don't need to spell out "iquee"
around me.
11
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,025
Bud, I'm so glad you're home.
12
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,895
You see,
this feminine-hygiene company...
13
00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:11,899
...is looking for a sidekick for their
new mascot, Tubey the Tampon.
14
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,169
You got any ideas?
15
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:21,208
Mom, in Bud's defense, you're talking
about an area he knows nothing about.
16
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:25,179
Now, if it had been for hand wigs
or, say, finger lingerie--
17
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:29,884
Hey, hey, I think that's quite enough,
Kelly.
18
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:33,120
I thought Dad banned you from
entering all these magazine contests.
19
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:38,526
I don't enter that many contests.
I don't even get that many magazines.
20
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:41,095
Mail call!
21
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:55,643
Well, let's see what came today.
Doll Maker.
22
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,412
Lizard Quarterly.
23
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,681
Look here, Ebony.
24
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,417
Esther Rolle moved, Peg.
25
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:07,655
-Where?
-Closer to the fridge.
26
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:12,259
Oh, now, what have we here?
Amish Weekly.
27
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,497
New spring color: black.
28
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:21,268
Mom, are you sure
anybody ever wins these contests?
29
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:23,537
Would Ed McMahon lie?
30
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,806
Gee, I don't know, would he drink?
31
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:29,243
Would he laugh at something
that's not funny?
32
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,278
Would he tout the taste of dog food...
33
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:34,148
...if he thought he could make
a stinking buck?
34
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:40,220
Peg, I'm telling you that nobody ever,
ever wins these contests.
35
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:51,265
Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack.
36
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,570
Let me in,
I'm gonna blow your mind out.
37
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:03,110
Anybody here join a record club?
38
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:06,747
Well, you know,
I'm talking about 30 years ago.
39
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,550
No, I'm here to lay something good
on you.
40
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:14,455
You guys have just won
our $1-million grand prize.
41
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,194
I can't believe it!
42
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:24,498
Peg, Peg, if you weren't my wife,
I'd kiss you.
43
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,736
Congratulations, Mrs. O'Sullivan.
44
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:34,108
-Well, my name isn't O'Sullivan.
-Mine is!
45
00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:36,910
Top of the morning to you,
Wolfman, me lad.
46
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,115
Listen, Lojack.
47
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:45,319
That's Wolfman Jack.
48
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,988
Yeah. Yeah, much cooler.
49
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,224
Listen, our name is Bundy.
50
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:54,895
Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.
51
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:56,730
Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy.
52
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,967
You have just won
first-class accommodations...
53
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:03,237
...on our luxury cruise
to the Caribbean.
54
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,510
How come only she won?
55
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:14,581
Because she wrote the most inspiring
essay for New Widows magazine.
56
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:17,751
New widows, Peg?
57
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,921
So you do share my dream.
58
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,325
But, you know, I don't wanna
go on a cruise by myself.
59
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,493
Hey, Mr. Wolfman...
60
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,863
...don't you think you could just
bend the rules so that Al can come?
61
00:05:30,064 --> 00:05:31,799
-No!
-Please?
62
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,635
This man is unimpeachable,
his character beyond reproach.
63
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:38,839
He combines the best qualities
of both wolf and man.
64
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:41,809
There's 50 bucks for you.
65
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:44,678
Sold. I tell you what,
I'll take this first-class ticket...
66
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,847
...and I'll change it in
for two economies.
67
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,649
Peg, I don't wanna go on a cruise.
68
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,051
All that rocking up and down,
side to side.
69
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,686
I'll be throwing up all night.
70
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:56,890
And then there's the motion
of the boat.
71
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,862
Wow, a Caribbean cruise.
72
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,931
-Sounds romantic.
-Oh, it is.
73
00:06:04,098 --> 00:06:06,967
-Al must hate it.
-He does.
74
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,137
Oh, it sounds like such fun.
75
00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:12,740
I wish Jefferson and I could
do something like that.
76
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:16,243
Maybe I could trade these two tickets
for four less-expensive ones.
77
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:22,649
-Do you think they'd do that?
-Well, let's find out.
78
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,686
Mr. Man?
79
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:33,827
Do you think that you could trade
these two really good tickets...
80
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,996
...for four just-okay ones?
81
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,933
Hey, anything's possible.
You got 50 bucks?
82
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:43,937
-Marcie?
-Oh, why not?
83
00:06:44,138 --> 00:06:48,208
You know, if I don't spend it,
Jefferson will.
84
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,345
-Here.
-Here you go.
85
00:06:56,950 --> 00:07:01,155
"Sub-subeconomy class."
86
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,758
I wonder what that is?
87
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:13,867
Well, the love barge.
88
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,972
-Thanks for bringing me, Peg.
-Oh, it's not so bad.
89
00:07:19,173 --> 00:07:22,276
No, it's like
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea...
90
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,746
...except I'm married
to the giant squid.
91
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:34,354
-Why must you always be so negative?
-Why did you cross the road?
92
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,765
All right, so the room's
a little cramped.
93
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,034
Most of the time
we're gonna be up on deck...
94
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:50,204
...eating, dancing,
living the good life.
95
00:07:50,404 --> 00:07:53,207
-So who's the entertainment?
-Gilbert Gottfried.
96
00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,681
Besides, who cares about the room?
This is a singles cruise.
97
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,950
That means wall-to-wall women...
98
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:08,222
...who will be sunning themselves
with their tops unfastened.
99
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,494
What are you guys laughing at?
100
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,830
-Nothing.
-Nothing.
101
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:21,401
We're just happy to be here
with the women we love.
102
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,904
And you guys.
103
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:30,410
Well, I'm just glad you're looking
on the bright side of things.
104
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,847
Me too, Peg. In fact, I can't remember
when I've been so happy.
105
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,885
Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light,
the high-fun, low-fat vacation...
106
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,053
...for women who want to watch
the whales...
107
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,456
...instead of being mistaken
for them.
108
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,462
Now, wait a second.
109
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,699
Now, you're telling me
that every passenger on this ship is--
110
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,102
How can I put this?
111
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:58,405
--an island unto herself?
112
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,110
Well, maybe now.
113
00:09:03,277 --> 00:09:05,812
But by the time we're done
with our deprivation diet...
114
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:11,985
...and non-stop exercise program,
we'll look as beautiful as those two.
115
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:19,293
What two?
116
00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:27,601
She means us, poop deck.
117
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:30,470
Oh, my God,
she does mean the wives.
118
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:35,108
Jefferson, we're on the voyage
of the damned.
119
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:47,821
Why didn't you tell me
this was a cruise for fat women?
120
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,360
Because you didn't ask me.
Well, I gotta go.
121
00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:56,463
I'm getting my hair done for free
by Mr. Maurice.
122
00:09:56,630 --> 00:10:00,867
-You know who that is?
-A man with a lot of cats?
123
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:04,905
No. He is the stylist to the stars.
124
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,341
Who do you think
does Sandra Bernhard's hair?
125
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,476
Ray Charles?
126
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,050
-Let's go, Peggy.
-We should've left them at home.
127
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,820
Should've left us at the altar.
128
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,826
Hey, Al, you know what I'm thinking?
129
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:29,629
How long it'd take us to swim home
from here?
130
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:34,968
-Don't answer that. That's a trap.
-What kind of trap?
131
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,104
They say, "Yoo-hoo,"
you open the door...
132
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,339
...they slap two pieces of bread
around you...
133
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,375
...and you're never heard from again.
134
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,177
Hello, is there anyone in there?
135
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,647
I don't know. She sounds thin.
I'm gonna open it.
136
00:10:56,356 --> 00:11:00,160
-Hi, my name's Gretchen.
-Hi, my name's--
137
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,329
Wait a second,
I can't remember my name.
138
00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:06,099
-Quick, Al, what's my name?
-Captain No-Nads.
139
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:14,107
You two are very funny.
Are either of you Gilbert Gottfried?
140
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,209
-He is.
-He is.
141
00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:19,980
Well, I wanted to find out if either
of you will be taking aerobics classes.
142
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:21,581
-You taking them?
-I'm teaching.
143
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,417
We're taking them.
144
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:33,560
Excuse me, Gretchen, but I thought
that all the passengers were...
145
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,296
...Jurassic.
146
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:42,569
I mean jolly.
147
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,438
May I share something with you?
148
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:47,374
Sure. Jefferson,
would you step outside?
149
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,777
What I meant was, since you're
not part of the diet group...
150
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:53,547
...you can participate
in our after-hours activities.
151
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:58,051
What kind of after-hour activities?
152
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,887
Well, after our 6:30 roundup
and lockdown...
153
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,856
...for our larger passengers...
154
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:06,326
...we put away the celery
and those disgusting, chalky shakes...
155
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:10,197
...and bring out the real food.
Tonight is Carnival:
156
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,467
"Couscous
and clothing-optional lambada."
157
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:25,545
Jefferson, I'm dreaming. Pinch me.
158
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,018
I said, pinch me!
159
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:45,332
Now, let me get this straight.
160
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:51,371
At 6:30, you herd all the buffaloes
back to their cells...
161
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,040
...you lock them up...
162
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:58,578
...and then a wild orgy
of scantily clad crew and us...
163
00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:00,013
...take over the ship?
164
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,482
Right. Is that okay?
165
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:08,054
Yes. That's fine.
166
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:13,894
-Thank you.
-Great. I'll see you guys there.
167
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,800
You know the trouble
with rock 'n' roll today?
168
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,336
Took out the bubble machine?
169
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,974
Mr. Jack-Man...
170
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,180
...it's not that we haven't enjoyed
your cute little stories...
171
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:37,317
...about things that happened
even before Dick Clark was born...
172
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,287
...but you've been here for a week.
173
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,955
I mean...
174
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:47,127
...shouldn't you be out cruising
with the ho-dads or the ho-moms...
175
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:51,164
...or whatever ho's you guys
run around with?
176
00:13:56,703 --> 00:14:01,341
There's a lot more to Wolfman Jack
than just, "Hi, here's your prize."
177
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:06,213
You ever listen to Wolfman Jack on
the radio live from Planet Hollywood?
178
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:13,587
Look, whatever he says,
just say yes.
179
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,389
Yes.
180
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,492
I also wrote a book,
my autobiography.
181
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,928
Would you like me to read you
a little bit of it?
182
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,840
-Yes.
-You're the best.
183
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,514
Oh, Al.
184
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:46,019
This is the best vacation
I have ever been on.
185
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,921
Thank you.
186
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,296
You beaked me!
187
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:02,235
-Have you been drinking?
-Not since I had a drink.
188
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:07,440
-What do you want?
-Oh, Al, it is amazing out there.
189
00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:09,109
The women may be huge...
190
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:14,748
...but the male crew can swab my deck
any time.
191
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,020
Well, that shouldn't take long.
192
00:15:20,987 --> 00:15:25,458
-Where's Peg?
-Oh, she's still getting her hair done.
193
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:29,496
But I don't know why...
194
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:33,833
...because it always looks
really silly.
195
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,073
Don't tell Al.
196
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,612
Anyway, Al...
197
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:51,051
...at 6:30, I am going back upstairs
for aqua aerobics.
198
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:54,487
The male crew members
are gonna pretend to be dolphins...
199
00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:58,224
...and I get to pet their dorsal fins.
200
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,396
And vice versa.
201
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,201
Don't tell Jefferson.
202
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,338
Marcie, did you happen to notice...
203
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,075
...if any of the female crew members
are gonna pretend to be dolphins?
204
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:20,347
No. I think they're gonna
be mermaids...
205
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:25,318
...or whatever it is you call it
when you swim around topless.
206
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:31,091
I better go see
what's keeping Peggy.
207
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:41,034
Heigh-ho, Flipper, away!
208
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:57,050
-Are you ready to roll, buddy?
-Ten seconds till lockdown.
209
00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:03,089
-Five, four, three, two, one.
-Five, four, three, two, one.
210
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,385
It's samba time.
211
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:56,576
Well, Al, what do you think?
212
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,647
About what, Peg?
213
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:05,385
-My hair.
-Oh, your hair. Oh, it's....
214
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,122
Fine, Peg.
215
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,992
If you're Lyle Lovett.
216
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,062
Shut up.
217
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:20,266
No, no, he said that, "Al love it."
218
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,471
-You ready to go, Peg?
-Yeah, I guess.
219
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:27,807
Well, it's kind of cool up there,
you better wear a bag.
220
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:31,177
A hat, a hat, I meant a hat.
221
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:34,013
I can't go out in public like this.
222
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,250
No, I know you can't, sweetheart.
I know you can't--
223
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,552
-Come on, Jefferson.
-You can't go either.
224
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,222
Why? My hair don't look like crap!
225
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:45,391
Oh, what's the matter now, Peg?
226
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,996
Why don't I just go check things out.
You just call me if you need me, okay?
227
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,466
-I need you, I need you!
-Oh, hold me, Al.
228
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,269
I wanna go to the party!
229
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:02,502
You don't mind staying in with me,
do you, Al?
230
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,038
No.
231
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:10,276
I'd much rather be in here
than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.
232
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,914
Good, because I am never
leaving this room.
233
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:29,295
-Al?
-What?
234
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,898
Make love to me.
235
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:35,101
Why? I didn't screw up your hair!
236
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:40,473
It's just that I feel so unattractive...
237
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,910
...especially with those aerobics girls
bouncing around up there.
238
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:47,447
I know you'd rather be on deck
rather than staying in here with me...
239
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,849
...and I really do appreciate it.
240
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:52,518
You know, Al,
I know that I don't say it very much...
241
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:55,655
...but you are a great guy.
242
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,657
Al?
243
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:05,331
Smell that salt-hallway air.
244
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,035
Fine. If you'd rather be up there
partying...
245
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:12,372
...while your wife is here,
who needs you, just go right ahead.
246
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:13,706
Thanks. Bye.
247
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,578
-We're going down!
-What, you mean the party's moved?
248
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,481
No, the ship is sinking!
249
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:24,083
One of the fat women
smelled the jerk chicken...
250
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:27,020
...and tried to cut through the floor
with a blowtorch!
251
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:30,957
-Oh, my God, we're really sinking?
-Come on.
19704
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