All language subtitles for Married.With.Children.S09E17.Get.The.Dodge.Out.Of.Hell.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Azkars_track3_[eng]

Okay, Kel, let's go over the plan
just one more time, all right?

Now, you can't go to Wanker County
with Mom and Dad because...?

I have to do a commercial
for traffic safety.

That's right. And I can't go to Wanker
County with Mom and Dad because...?

A rubber sheep is demanding you
take a blood test?

Fine. No, fine. Fine.
We'll go to Wanker County.

Don't come to me when they ask
why you're single...

...when you have
a perfectly good brother.

Come on, Bud, I was just kidding.
I can do this.

Daddy might have been able to break
me when the police brought me home...

...at 2 in the morning,
but I am not 11 anymore.

Okay, there's the Dodge
early-warning system. Let's go.

-Now, remember the plan.
-Gotcha. What plan?

Just kidding.

Al, why are you in such a bad mood?

Some men like going shopping
with their wives.

Sure, for coffins.

I hate buying stuff
for the Wanker folk, Peg.

Well, they like stuff from the big city.

We just have things they can't get.

Let's make sure we got it all.

Wax.

String.

Things that go click.

And to think, they bestowed
their highest honor on you.

Well, that's understandable.

I'm the only person they ever saw
who doesn't have a shell.

Scoff all you want.

But I think being named
the grand marshal...

...of the Wanker County
Bicentennial Parade is a big deal.

Yeah, Dad. Come on,
they're celebrating 200 years.

Since what?
They crawled from the oceans?

No way was it that long ago.

Two hundred years ago,
it was bought from the Indians.

Not the legend
of Wanker County again.

Wanker County was originally
called Obi Luba Possa Wadamy.

Which means,
Land of the Big Gassy Possum.

Which explains why Disney has no
interest in putting a theme park there.

Look, I for one
am very excited to be going.

I said, I for one am very excited
to be going to Wanker County...

...with my sister.

Come in.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

I've got something I have to tell you.

I'm afraid that Bud and I won't be able
to go to Wanker County.

You see, I just got a commercial
for traffic safety.

And Bud, since he works for
the Department of Vehicle Services...

...is going to consult.

The end.

Well, bye.

Hold it.

Pumpkin.

I want you to look Daddy in the eye.

Okay, it was a lie.

But it was all Bud's idea.

That's right.

I wanted to go to Wanker County.

And not only that, last Tuesday
Bud drank milk right from the carton.

And when he was 11,
he smoked a cigarette.

When I think of the pain...

...and the suffering that I went through
for you to be conceived....

You should be ashamed of yourself
for deceiving your family this way.

Al.

The home office just ordered us to
have a 24-hour emergency shoe sale.

The fat women have landed.
You gotta come.

Dash it all.

I was going to Wanker County.

-I'm sorry, Peg.
-Just a second.

Griff.

Look me in the eye.

There really is no shoe sale.

It was all Bud's idea.

And he dialed some 976 numbers
from the shoe store.

And he took a handful
of cerebral-palsy mints without paying.

And you know what he did
when he was 11, right?

Goodbye, Griff.

-See you when you get back, Al?
-Oh, you can count on it, buddy.

Now, aren't you three ashamed
of yourselves?

You mean in general, or because
of this Wanker County hooey?

We are all going and that's final.

It's not gonna work, Buck.

It was all Bud's idea.

Now, like I was saying, we're all
gonna go and we're all gonna have fun.

-Right?
-Right, Mom.

No.

Okay. Now, let's stop at the car wash.

Car wash? What for?

So the Dodge will look nice
in the parade.

How nice do we have to look?

This year's theme is thumbs.
Show them if you got them.

You know, Peg, I hate car washes.

That Dodge is a finely tuned
precision instrument...

...and I don't want some stranger's
rough hands all over it.

Sir, we need the keys.

Now, you keep your hands
off my CD player.

Al, we don't have a CD player.

We would have, Peg,
if you hadn't have said that.

Would you just calm down?

This is supposed to be fun.

Let's buy a car air freshener.

Do they have a scent
called "New Wife"?

Peg, your trouble
is you spend money in a frivolous--

Oh, a racing stripe.

The Dodge does not need
a racing stripe.

It couldn't hit 60
if you dropped it out of a plane.

No, but you could, Peg.

Oh, Peg, look. Car bras.

The Dodge does not need a car bra.

Well, it's not for the Dodge, Peg.

No, it's for your mom.

See, it's even in her size.

Astrovan.

You know something, Kel?

I always wondered...

...you think hot carnauba wax really
comes out when the light goes on?

Bud, maybe you should save those
mind-bending insights for a date...

...or perhaps a willing rubber ear.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the only
talking that goes on on your dates is:

"Keep the line moving."

Look at this place.

What kind of loser
works at a car wash?

Marcie, I don't wanna work
in a car wash.

Look, I am tired of coming home
after a hard day's work...

...and hearing you say, "Honey,
guess who was on Oprah today."

It's like being married to Peggy.

Come on, this is the most
embarrassing thing in the world.

There is nothing wrong
with an honest day's pay.

Besides, who is gonna see you?

Oh, my God! It's the ex!

Quick. Hide.

-Steve.
-Marcie.

-Steve.
-Marcie.

So, what brings you to the car wash?

Well, my car was dirty and they do
such a lousy job of cleaning it...

...down at the batting cages,
I thought I'd bring it here.

Well, it's nice to see you're
still such a sarcastic twit, Steve.

Besides, I thought you were
in the desert protecting the wildlife...

...and performing Guys and Dolls
with your little cactus friends.

That, much like our marriage,
was just a phase.

I did the environmental thing, and then
decided I wanted to find myself.

And what I found
was myself likes money.

So did Mr. Marcie let you out alone?

Have you been here long?

I guess for a little while. It takes a long
time to detail a Lincoln Town Car.

You're driving a Town Car?

I live in town.

So...

...where is the new, unimproved,
unemployed me?

At home watching Richard Bey?

If it's Jefferson you're referring to,
I'll have you know he's...

...at the office.

You know, where he's busy
working on his--

-Tan?
-Career.

-So, what'd you get, Al?
-Nothing.

I saw you over there
by the audio cassettes.

-What'd you get?
-Nothing.

"Ned Beatty Sings The Blues"?

He's got a right.

I'm gonna put this back.

Now, let's get the car.

They better not have screwed up
my Dodge, Peg.

They are not gonna screw up
the Dodge, Al. They're professionals.

Mr. Bundy, I don't know
how to tell you this...

...but we can't find your car.

What do you mean
you can't find my car?

I saw it go in.

Me too. But it never came out.

That'll be 8.95, please.

Hi, I'm Mikey. I'm the manager.

Of what, the Mets?

I don't take lip from shoe salesmen.

What do you want?
I have a book report due tomorrow.

Well, I want my car.
It never came out the other end.

Are you sure you brought a car?

No, I drove the wife.

Of course I brought a car,
you zit farm.

Hey, Daddy.
I'm afraid I got some more bad news.

I thought I'd check
the lost and found.

Oh, this ought to be good.

There were no Dodges.
There was a nice Plymouth, though.

Oh, Al.

I don't want a Plymouth, Peg.
I want my Dodge, dagnab it.

"Dagnab it"?

What'd you do, get the Hooked on
Phonics: Yosemite Sam tape?

This is ridiculous.
How can our car just disappear?

Well, Siegfried and Roy
make that tiger disappear.

Well, we all know where that goes.

Look, Bundy, we don't want you
to go away a dissatisfied customer.

So here's a card
good for one free car wash.

Now, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna retrace my steps.

Somewhere in this car wash
is a Dodge with my name on it.

Gee, I didn't know
they made a Dodge Loser.

Hey, wait a minute. I have an idea.

Let's have Buck go search for it.
He's a dog.

Oh, come on, he's 100.

He misses
when he tries to lick himself.

Oh, so do you.

But a dog never loses
his sense of smell.

Go find the Dodge, mighty Buck.

Go.

Go.

What's he doing?

He's going.

Maybe I should have said "leave."

I still would've gone.

I say, there's got to be
a logical explanation for this.

Hey, maybe somebody stole it.

We would have seen somebody
driving off in our car.

It's not like we're not observant.

I mean, there are four of us.

One of us would have had
to see something.

Well, if that car is still here,
it's not gonna get past me.

Yeah. Let's just keep our eyes peeled.
Come on.

I know what you're doing, you know.

Sitting there like some soulless,
money-grubbing snob...

...because you know it turns me on.

Well, it's not going to work.

I already have a man and
he's even more materialistic than you.

And how much
of that material is yours?

Are you implying
that I support Jefferson...

...and that he's never earned
a penny in his life?

Because you don't know
the half of it--

Are those Gucci loafers?

Yes. They do look smashing on me,
don't they?

Well, they do distract
from the rest of you.

Same old Marcie.

Flat and to the point.

For being in the women's restroom,
we're gonna dock you a week's pay.

Well, there goes that yacht
I was gonna buy.

You're already on thin ice...

...Mr. Ivy-League-Pervert-in-the
Bathroom-Looking-Up-Women's-Skirts.

I don't want any more
shenanigans out of you.

I want you buffing the next thing
that comes out of here.

Al, what are you doing here?

I was on my way to Wanker, thought
I'd stop and walk through the car wash.

-Wasn't the wax hot?
-Yes.

But that's the price you pay
if you wanna wear a bikini.

Do you mind?

Very nice, Al.

You are here
dilly-dallying with Jefferson...

...and we're looking for the car.

Peg, what is it with you?

You can change six D batteries
in the dark...

...but you can't find a 2-ton
automobile in broad daylight.

Let's not start talking about
who can't find what in the dark.

All right, all right!
Here's what we'll do.

We'll split up.

Then what?

That's it. Just split up.

I should've thought of this
years ago.

Dad, what about the car?

Look, I say we each take
a different path and circle the lot.

-I mean, the Dodge has gotta be here.
-Bud's right.

But when we find it,
we still get to split up, don't we?

Well, Marcie,
I see the Town Car is ready.

Anyway...

...I'm sorry I didn't get to see that busy
executive husband of yours.

That's right. He is busy.

Doing what an executive does.

Interfacing, networking,
making multi-million-dollar decisions.

Hey, Willy, towel or sponge
on the hubcaps?

I see he's in the middle
of a power wash.

Okay, so maybe he's not
on the Forbes 400, or 4000...

...or maybe he wouldn't even be
a rich man in Peru...

...but he's got something
you will never have.

A Windex holster?

Class.

Which, I might add, money can't buy.

Jefferson doesn't need
to make a lot of money.

I'm happy with him
just the way he is.

Marcie, I got soap in my eye.

Shut up. Let's go.

-I thought you wanted me to work.
-I do.

It's just that I have another position
in mind for you.

Maybe two.

Here, you dropped your hat.

-Come on, get in the car, let's go.
-Yes, sir.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Aren't those my shoes?
-Yes, sir.

I had them polished for you.

You know, I can't believe it.
It's gone.

The Dodge is really gone.

Maybe the earth opened up
and swallowed it.

No. Then it would have
spit it back up.

You know,
it's not so much the Dodge...

...as what was inside it.

What was in it?

Stuff.

-Big 'Uns?
-I'm not saying.

Bundy, I just got off the phone
with the owner.

He wants to do something
to make this up to you.

-What?
-We're gonna buy you another car.

-I don't want another car!
-Shut up, Al.

-But, Peg, there's still stuff in that car.
-Shut up.

How does a new Hyundai sound?

Like an old lawn mower.

I want my car!

Would you shut up
and just take the car before--?

-Mr. Bundy, we found your car.
-Of course.

-Where was it?
-On the lot.

Yeah, when we washed all the dirt off,
we found it was a different color.

Gee, Al, maybe if we got you to take
a shower, we'd find out you were black.

But then again....

-Hey, what color was it?
-Red.

Hey, come to think of it,
I remember buying a red Dodge.

Look at her, family,
isn't she a beaut?

Look at him, family,
isn't he a shoe salesman? Let's go.

Wait. I gotta check
and see if my stuff's in here.

-What stuff?
-Oh, you know. Big 'Uns.

It's not Big 'Uns, Peg.