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1
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,288
Cut it out.
2
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:32,293
Cut it out, Bud.
I'm just not in the mood right now.
3
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,129
How could you not be in the mood?
4
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,999
When we did it a month ago, you said it
was the best three minutes of your life.
5
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:45,706
It was. I'm just not ready
for an encore yet.
6
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:49,343
I like to take my time.
It makes it special.
7
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:53,314
You know,
if it gets much more special...
8
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,317
...I won't be able to guarantee
a full three minutes.
9
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:02,957
Trust me. It'll be better
when we both really want it.
10
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:09,763
Okay. Okay, fine.
I'm not an animal. I can wait.
11
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,947
Mental note:
Sleep on stomach tonight.
12
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:37,958
I give up.
13
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,928
Today was the worst day of my life.
14
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,696
Worse than the day you found out...
15
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,533
...that big brush in the bathroom
wasn't for your teeth?
16
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:50,104
Okay,
the second-worst day of my life.
17
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,573
I went to go read
for this great movie part...
18
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:56,043
...but before I had a chance to audition,
they gave it to somebody else.
19
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:59,680
-Who?
-Meryl Streep.
20
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:02,650
Now, come on, what does she have
that I don't have?
21
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,687
What? You mean,
besides the Oscars, the fame...
22
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,490
...and the command
of the English language?
23
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,761
-Yeah.
-Well, it begins with a T.
24
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,397
I got those.
25
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,569
Talent, Gump.
26
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,839
See, in short, Kel, the problem with
your acting career is that...
27
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:29,310
...well, you stink. You reek.
28
00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:31,946
What you should be reading for
is the girl who says:
29
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,415
"If you're under 18,
please hang up now."
30
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,588
Not that I would ever use
those things.
31
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:44,525
Sometimes you just misdial
calling the Library of Congress.
32
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,861
The numbers are so similar.
33
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,732
You don't think I'm good enough
to be an actress?
34
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,468
You're hardly a believable Kelly.
35
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,544
So you ready?
36
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,613
You should be ashamed of yourself.
37
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,015
I am. You ready?
38
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,418
No, I'm not ready.
39
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:15,956
I can't believe I let you have
what you claimed was sex with me.
40
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,860
You are just so mean to your sister.
41
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,964
Yeah. So? You ready?
42
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,970
A good, caring brother
would help build her self-esteem.
43
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,606
I thought you were different
from other guys.
44
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,508
I thought you were sensitive.
45
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:38,379
I'm sensitive. I am. Honest.
46
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:42,282
I come from a long line of caring,
sensitive, Bundy men.
47
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,952
Where's my shotgun?
48
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:57,965
Where's my shotgun?
I'm gonna blow his freaking head off.
49
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:01,001
Don't you think you're overreacting
just a little?
50
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:04,505
Some bird chirps on my side
of the window every night for a week.
51
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:07,307
Just because I want to pump
6 pounds of buckshot...
52
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:10,277
...into its 3-ounce body,
I'm overreacting?
53
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:15,382
I said we were sensitive, not sane.
54
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,752
Woman, my aught-six.
55
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:22,756
I don't have your aught-six anymore.
I gave it to the mailman.
56
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:27,394
He was so depressed about losing
his job, I thought it might cheer him up.
57
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:31,065
Well, what am I gonna do, Peg?
I can't sleep.
58
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:33,133
That can be deadly
in my line of work.
59
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,269
What if a fat woman tries
a pair of heels...
60
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,706
...and I'm not alert enough to
shift my body before she topples?
61
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,942
Amber, you're here.
62
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,347
Didn't I warn you about this house?
63
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:50,417
Remember the story,
The Bundyville Horror?
64
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,786
This is the place.
These are the people.
65
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,224
And this is the church
and this is the steeple.
66
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:01,161
Marcie, despite your annoying flapping
of both lip and wing...
67
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:03,030
...I'm glad you're here.
68
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,566
I'm having a problem with birds.
69
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:08,802
Perhaps you can speak to them
in their native tongue.
70
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,572
They're keeping me up.
71
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,975
What's their secret?
72
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,879
They look the same as they did
in high school.
73
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:24,451
Well, if you really want to scare them
away, an owl will usually do it.
74
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,154
An Al? I'm an Al.
75
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:31,024
An owl, you dolt. You know:
76
00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:32,493
What?
77
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,863
-Not "huh."
-"Not huh," what?
78
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,831
Not huh. Not what.
79
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,767
Who, Al who?
80
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,570
Not "Al who." Owl:
81
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,173
Oh, an owl.
82
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:50,444
Why didn't you say so?
I need to get me an owl.
83
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,412
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
84
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:57,017
Al, either you're going to the zoo
at midnight, or come to bed.
85
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:02,089
Well, since she put it that way,
to the zoo!
86
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,563
Let's go, Amber.
87
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,266
And I want you to take a shower
the minute we get home.
88
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,170
Look, Amber, maybe we just got off
on the wrong foot.
89
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:18,505
How about just a little kiss?
90
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:25,212
We can settle in for some CNN.
91
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,950
Okay, Bud.
92
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:35,189
In a perverted sort of a way,
I kind of respect your opinion.
93
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,559
So before I kill myself,
would you mind telling me...
94
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,928
...is there anything that I'm good at?
95
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,930
Kel, if there were anything--
96
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,432
I thought you were special.
97
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:49,703
--wrong with you,
I'd have told you long ago.
98
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,672
Like, take your acting.
99
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:57,110
You see, when I said you stink, I meant
you stink at choosing your roles.
100
00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,247
You know, like anyone from
the Saturday Night Live cast.
101
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:05,853
Well, those who can, do.
Those who can't, do not.
102
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:12,926
Yeah. Look, what I meant was, there
are much better jobs out there, Kel.
103
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,162
For instance,
I was just dating this actress.
104
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,465
Well, she plays topless
Lady Macbeth at the nudie bar.
105
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:23,136
She happened to mention to me there's
a commercial audition for Fryer Tuck's.
106
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,639
You know, the fast-food place
with the merry menu?
107
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:28,208
I bet you I could get you an audition.
108
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,811
Bud, you are an angel.
109
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,780
I don't mean like someone
who died without ever having sex...
110
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,515
...although I could.
111
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:39,119
I mean an angel
who does good deeds.
112
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:43,624
Why are you being so nice to me
all of a sudden?
113
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,293
Well, I've matured.
114
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,498
And I now realize there's a satisfaction
to be gained by helping others.
115
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,201
Amber won't give you any, will she?
116
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,538
No.
117
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,849
Yup, Amber, I got Kelly an audition.
118
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,385
And I am at my most sensitive.
119
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:17,524
So I was thinking,
how about topless poetry in my room?
120
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:21,228
Hello? Hello?
121
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:29,169
Mom, can you tell me
something about love?
122
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:35,609
Yeah. It's a many-splendored thing.
123
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,811
Have you seen my toenail clippers?
124
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,515
I mean,
what makes a woman want a guy?
125
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:45,652
I mean, you actually wanted Dad
at one time, for some reason.
126
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:50,490
Well, then you're not talking love,
you're talking hard liquor.
127
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,195
Oh, Bud, I'm just kidding.
128
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,832
There was a time when your father
was a very desirable man.
129
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,301
Guess who.
130
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,379
Now is not one of those times.
131
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:17,851
Dad, tell me you didn't rent an owl suit
to sit in a tree and scare birds.
132
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,053
I did not.
133
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,456
I bought this baby.
134
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,026
Talked him down to 400 bucks...
135
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,895
...and he threw in
the night vision goggles. See?
136
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:33,900
Now do you wonder
why I took my name off the mailbox?
137
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:36,269
I almost got a live owl at the zoo...
138
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:39,139
...but I found out something
very important last night.
139
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:43,310
Never try to sneak past a rabbit hutch
with an owl in your pants.
140
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:48,615
Even though they can't see,
they just know.
141
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,251
Time to go to work.
142
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,487
Honey, are you sure about this?
143
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,356
Relax, Peg. The guy who sold it
to me gave me a guarantee.
144
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:57,858
-Money-back?
-No.
145
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:01,028
He just said it would work,
put a closed sign on and drove away.
146
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:06,233
Hey, don't worry. I gave him a check.
It's not good or traceable or anything.
147
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:16,043
Did you get the Fryer Tuck job?
148
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,346
No, not yet.
It's down to me and another girl.
149
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,214
But in order to get the commercial...
150
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,583
...I have to learn how to shoot
a bow and arrow.
151
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,552
You know, architecture?
152
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,622
What am I going to do?
153
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,758
The other girl is already
a good architect.
154
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,494
How long do you have
before the callback?
155
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,131
A week.
I can't learn to shoot in 10 days.
156
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:42,702
Oh, Bud, will you help me, please?
157
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:47,607
Oh, the things I do for love.
158
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:50,544
Not you.
159
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:54,147
Marcie's niece, what's-her-tush.
160
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,797
Okay, let's begin.
161
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:15,168
Okay, let's stop.
162
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,937
Start over.
163
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,306
Remember what the guy
in the archery store said?
164
00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:22,309
"Jump up and down
while I take these pictures"?
165
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:27,547
After that. Remember?
166
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:34,321
Look, feet apart, relax,
breathe slowly. Left arm, straight.
167
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:40,193
Okay, no, you're way too low now.
Aim higher.
168
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:04,484
Dad, before you get mad, just please try
to encourage her. She's just learning.
169
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:09,389
Fine. I'll keep the bleeding internal.
170
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,562
Thanks, Dad.
171
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:19,533
Look, this is not gonna work.
I mean, let's face facts.
172
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,735
If God wanted people to shoot a bow...
173
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,604
...he wouldn't have invented
assault weapons.
174
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,443
Look, that last shot wasn't your fault,
okay?
175
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,246
No bird has a butt that big.
176
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,383
-Now let's just try this again, all right?
-Okay.
177
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:39,686
Just relax. All right?
178
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,621
Will the arrow.
179
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,890
Use the force.
180
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,863
Told you.
181
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,467
Relax, relax.
182
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:57,470
Remember, there's nothing
to worry about. Okay?
183
00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:02,108
You just keep saying to yourself,
"I am an architect."
184
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,511
Got it.
185
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:08,048
-So where's your competition?
-Over there.
186
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:18,024
Now, Kelly doesn't exactly have
to win this thing for me to score, right?
187
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:25,031
Well, might as well introduce myself.
No sense in being a bad sport.
188
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:29,135
Hi. I'm Kelly.
May the best girl win.
189
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,108
Bull's-eye.
190
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,345
What a quaint custom.
191
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,547
Here's one my mom taught me.
192
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:44,484
Hello, ladies.
How are my finalists today?
193
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,286
-Fine, Mr. Tuck.
-Fine, Mr. Tuck.
194
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:51,791
Oh, please, "mister" is so formal.
You can just call me "Sugar Daddy."
195
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,428
Now, as you girls know,
you are so close in talent...
196
00:14:55,595 --> 00:15:00,600
...the only legal way to decide
who gets this role is with a shootout.
197
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,202
You have any questions?
198
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:06,473
-Actually--
-Good, then let's scoot and shoot.
199
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,775
How do we know who goes first?
200
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:12,178
I mean, should we flip a coin
or draw straws or--?
201
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,817
How about if I go second?
202
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,555
Okay. All right.
203
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:48,208
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is
the last shot of the competition...
204
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,276
...and at the request of Miss Bundy...
205
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:54,247
...we will now flip a coin
to see who goes first.
206
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:07,227
Your turn, lame aim.
207
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,564
Bud, I cannot beat that.
208
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,167
Yes, you can. You can do anything.
209
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,736
You're just saying that
to score with Amber.
210
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,207
Yes, I am.
211
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,111
But you can win this
and I'm gonna help you.
212
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,746
-Really?
-Yes, of course.
213
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,715
You just tell me
what you want me to do.
214
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,283
Okay.
215
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:37,056
For my final shot, I am going to
shoot an apple off my brother's head.
216
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:45,732
Now, wait, wait, wait a sec now.
I'm her brother.
217
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:49,135
Kel, don't you think this apple thing
has been done to death?
218
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,104
Not yet.
219
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:57,510
Bud, I think it's so sexy,
what you're doing for your sister.
220
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:05,919
How sexy do you think it is
on a scale of one to do-I-get-some?
221
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,690
Let's do it.
222
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,962
-Isn't Bud the greatest?
-Yeah.
223
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,598
Damned if I'd do this for him.
224
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,334
What am I doing?
225
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:25,205
Am I so desperate for sex
that I'd risk certain death?
226
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,408
Why, yes. Yes, I would.
227
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:32,312
Okay. Stand still.
228
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:39,752
You know, I am really touched
that Bud is doing this.
229
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,387
For the first time in my life...
230
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,724
...it's like someone in my family
really believes in me.
231
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:49,362
God, I'm actually tearing up,
which is totally not good for Bud...
232
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,232
...since now he's nothing but
a blur from here.
233
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,835
Oh, what do I need to prove?
234
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,938
Having a family on your side
has got to be more important...
235
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,841
...than having some
fried-chicken typhoon...
236
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:05,178
...telling me I'm finger-licking good
every morning.
237
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,686
I can't do this.
I don't need to be the Fryer Tuck girl.
238
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:17,590
I'm just proud enough
to be that horndog's sister.
239
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:24,564
Thank you, God. Thank you.
240
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,867
I'm out of the contest.
The job's yours.
241
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:32,338
Couldn't do it, could you?
Candy ass.
242
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:37,243
Candy this.
243
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,261
Yeah, that was pretty amazing.
244
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:58,431
I haven't seen
an emerald-crested night thrush...
245
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,367
...since I took bird-watching
in college.
246
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:05,805
You know, to meet chicks.
247
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:11,177
But when I heard
this little fella's distinctive call...
248
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,715
...I knew I had to notify
the authorities.
249
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:19,819
To think, in Al's yard,
two endangered thrush eggs.
250
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:23,423
Well, I'm just glad they stopped him
before he could eat the other one.
251
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:27,160
I am gonna miss him, though.
252
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:30,530
Yeah, but it's not like you can't see him
whenever you want.
253
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:38,638
Well, time to go watch Kelly
taping her Fryer Tuck's commercial.
254
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,674
Will Bud be okay?
255
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,410
Oh, sure. He's been changed.
256
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:55,088
And besides, when is a turnip
ever really not okay?
257
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,457
Bud, we're leaving.
258
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:04,464
Mommy go. Daddy, tree.
Bud-Bud, sofa.
259
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:09,969
Oh, isn't that cute? His first words.
260
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:14,007
Soon, he'll be eating solid foods
and walking again.
261
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:17,076
They do grow up fast, don't they?
262
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:29,622
Bud, Aunt Marcie won't be back
for hours.
263
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,691
I want you, bad.
264
00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:34,360
Girl. Yucky. Cooties.
265
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:37,597
Men.
266
00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:45,738
-Oh, well, it could be worse.
-Oh, well, it could be worse.
267
00:21:45,905 --> 00:21:48,541
-At least I'm not Dad.
-At least I'm not Bud.
21114
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