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Hello, Diary.

My name's Alice.

I guess I'm buying you because I feel

that at last I have something worthwhile to

say.

And since we've moved and I'm starting a

new school, it's even more important that I

have some place to be me, to say

what I really think, and not to worry

about how it sounds to anyone else.

Dad seems happy about his new teaching job.

I guess being an assistant dean's a big

promotion.

Mom loves our new house.

And of course, Tim has a couple of

friends already.

I just hope that I can make a

fresh start.

Just got to keep my weight down so

all my new clothes will fit.

I've got to be more outgoing.

Maybe I could even give a party here.

I brought you some more hangers.

Oh, Alice, you've had time to try on

all of your clothes twice, probably three times.

Don't you want to put them all away

now so you'll be ready for tomorrow?

I just can't decide what to wear.

Well, I think that looks very nice.

Yeah, but supposing everybody goes in blue jeans.

I mean, do you want me to look

like a total misfit?

I mean, after all, you're the one that's

been after me to stop being a drag.

I never called you a drag.

You didn't have to.

It showed in your eyes.

It's because of your attitude, honey.

You don't seem so unfeeling and unlike you.

I mean, even on last night, not letting

old friends like Bobby and Sharon come around

to say goodbye.

How are three people supposed to have a

party?

Is that what it's all about?

Sam, what's all about?

The way you've been acting all last term.

Is it because Sharon got a boyfriend?

Oh, honey.

Honey, I know this is a very difficult

time for you, but...

It can be a wonderful time, too.

Best time of your life.

Oh, I don't care.

You will.

You will as you mature, as you feel

your body changing.

You'll know it when the hormones come into

your bloodstream.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart.

Or afraid of.

Yeah.

What about when the hormones enter the boy's

bloodstream?

Sap.

Instant sex maniacs.

Or didn't they used to get frustrated in

the good old days?

What do you do about that?

Well, of course, I mean, boys do have

a stronger sex drive at this age, but...

Well, you have to realize...

You have to be aware of your own

desires, too, dear.

You already gave me the sex lecture, remember?

Well, honey, it's something that we can talk

about.

Anytime.

Anytime?

I remember when we could talk that way.

Now it's as if we speak different languages.

Or maybe she's just as lost with words

as I am, and we're both just groping

around, unable to say what we really mean

to each other.

Sometimes, I just wish I could tell my

mother I'm afraid.

One pill makes you larger And one pill

makes you smaller And the ones that Mother

gives you Don't do anything wrong at all

Go ask Alice When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits And you

know you're gonna fall Telemonica, smoking caterpillar Has

given you the call Call Alice When she

was just small When the men on the

chessboard Get up and tell you where to

go And you just have some kind of

mushroom And your mind is moving slow Go

ask Alice I think she'll know When the

logic and proportion Have more than a solid

head And the white knight is talking backwards

And the red queen's overhead Remember what the

dog will say Read your head Read your

head Congratulations,

Alice.

Clothes were all wrong.

Now, students, do you understand everything we've discussed

today?

Do you have your list of all the

things that you need for classes tomorrow?

Any questions?

Jan Meeker is passing out your assignments, your

schedules.

Please be sure you have one before you

go to lunch.

And if there are any questions, I'd appreciate

it if you discuss it with me today.

Don't forget student council elections tomorrow.

Anybody interested in campaigning, you better get busy.

Hey, are you going to the cafeteria?

Yeah, where is it?

Where the sign says.

Cafeteria, are you kidding?

What's in the bag?

Oh, nice.

I guess it doesn't matter what I wear

or what I say.

Whether I go to the cafeteria and eat

all alone or try to sit with some

other creep or what.

Maybe it's never going to matter.

I'm not going to make it in this

school either.

Double fries, jambalaya.

Well, I still have you.

But what a lousy month it's been.

I've gained eight pounds.

My face is breaking out.

I think I found a friend.

Her name is Beth Baum.

I've seen her around school and at a

couple of other hamburger places.

We seem to have a lot in common,

besides our weight problems.

We're both kind of shy.

We both feel older than most 15-year

-olds.

Now I'll have someone to walk with, to

talk to in the cafeteria.

We've decided to watch our figures, even if

nobody else does.

Beth is super cool about not being popular,

unlike me.

But I'm afraid you have to be super

smart to be that cool.

Beth?

Beth, baby.

Huh?

Do you suppose that girls like us ever

get married?

Married?

All I'm trying to do is accelerate so

that I can get out of high school

and into college.

No, I mean ever.

Like, you know, when we're older.

Well, if I can get good at languages,

I should be able to get a job

that involves a lot of travel.

Oh, come on.

Don't you ever want to get married?

Yeah.

I guess.

Only I have this sort of nightmare.

It's pretty weird.

I have some weird dreams, too.

Well, my grandmother told me that if a

Jewish boy finds out that the girl he's

marrying isn't a virgin, he can leave her

right in the middle of the synagogue.

Like, at the last minute.

Just walk out in front of everybody.

But you're a virgin.

I mean, aren't you?

Well, now I am.

But in the dream, I'm just standing in

front of the rabbi in my beautiful gown.

With everybody whispering, I'm not.

How can they prove it?

Some kind of examination, I guess.

At the wedding?

I don't know.

My grandmother never told me how they'd prove

it.

Maybe she was lying just to scare me.

Wouldn't somebody in your family know?

I can't ask them that.

What would they think?

I know.

It's strange that Beth and I can talk

so easily, and I can tell her all

about my diary.

But I'm afraid to let my mother or

father know that I have one.

Strange, too, how time went so slowly for

Beth and I before we met each other.

And now that we're friends, it's gone by

so fast.

The term was over before we knew it.

Maybe we're too dependent on each other.

But what are best friends for?

We're both dreaded the end of the semester

because now Beth has to go away for

the summer to camp in Vermont.

And I'm stuck here.

At least Mom and Dad understand how lonely

I'll be, and they're going to let me

make two long-distance calls to her.

It's decent of them, but it's still going

to be a terrible summer.

I've never been so bored in all my

life.

Hey, uh, why don't you come in?

Hi.

How are you?

I didn't know you worked here.

Yeah, all summer.

Do you want to look around?

Yeah.

Makes me want to ask my dad for

some more money for clothes.

Uh, your dad's kind of big.

You mean because of his lectures?

Yeah.

I hear his name, you know, all over

the place.

Um, my folks might, uh, be going away

this weekend to a party, and I thought,

uh, I'd have one of my own.

Are you free?

Am I free?

Wow, am I free.

Some of these guys must be college age.

I've never seen them around our school.

But I guess they're all as nice as

Chris when you get to know them.

I just hope some of the kids don't

start that number about dope or drinking.

I mean, I have to admit, I've never

tried it or baked it.

Hi.

Button, button.

Button, button.

Forget the button.

Button, button.

Forget the button.

Don't be greedy.

Baby's first.

Only, um, different.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Button, button.

Button, button.

Thank you.

I can see there's a tune, something to

make us all happy.

Do anything to get us out of this

blue.

Hey, Mr. Pine, that song.

And we have our first winner of the

evening.

What's happening?

Don't worry.

Just relax.

You're very strange.

I feel...

You're really sick.

Well, I'm here.

Just let it happen.

I feel like they're trying to

poison me.

No.

No, they aren't.

Enjoy it.

You're going to have a beautiful trip, I

promise.

That's why I didn't get any, so I

could take care of you.

At first, I felt totally cut off from

everyone.

I felt that I was dying very slowly,

and knew that no one in the world

outside me could help.

It was so frightening that I wanted to

die.

Then the ugliness left, and everything, anything became

new and beautiful.

That, I felt I'd found the perfect, true,

and original language.

My mind seemed to possess all the wisdom

and knowledge of the ages.

There were no words adequate to explain it

to anyone, and for the first time in

my life, I felt beautiful, free, and uninhibited.

Now that it's over, I'm not sure whether

I'm ashamed or elated.

I guess I'm glad they did it to

me, because I can honestly say it wasn't

my decision.

I'll always remember that feeling.

But it's over.

I've had the experience now, and I'll never

do it again.

Paul!

Are you awake?

It's almost noon.

It's, um, it's that boy, Richie, who brought

you home from the party last night.

You want to take it, or you want

me to have him call you back?

Alice?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take it.

The summer's getting pretty skitzy now.

Tripping with Richie at night, playing it straight

in the daytime.

Mom and Dad don't suspect anything as far

as drugs go, of course.

But their nagging about my hair and clothes

and attitude are enough to drive me crazy.

That plus my monthly pregnancy scare make me

borrow a lot of Mom and Dad's tranquilizers,

but they never miss them.

Richie says parents always notice missing booze, but

never pills or cash.

He says that shows where their heads are

at.

Well, Dari's school has finally started again.

It's really weird how the same place I

hated last term has become my sanctuary this

term.

I'm down to 103 pounds and feeling great.

Whenever I get hungry or tired, I just

pop a binnie.

Richie even gives me the stuff to have

when I'm alone and want to turn on.

Isn't that nice?

Alice?

Oh, there you are.

I almost didn't recognize you.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you

back on Saturday.

It was just that, uh, this weekend was

really wild.

Like all three weeks I've been home.

Three weeks?

Far out.

I didn't realize it had been that long.

It's just that I've been really busy.

And, um, well, I've got an old man

now.

Yeah, well, I met somebody too.

His name is Bud.

He goes to college back east.

So I guess we won't be able to

see each other except on weekends and holidays

and things.

You know?

But we decided it was worth the wait.

Yeah, well, uh, still waiting, huh?

Well, you know, our families and things.

Hey, Alice, have you got the lunch?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Hey, listen, I've got to go, okay?

I'll see you around.

Yeah, well, I'd really like you to meet

him sometime if you can.

Sure, anytime.

Just call.

Sure.

How can you tell somebody you've outgrown them?

Sometimes I wish every straight kid could be

turned on like I was.

Just once.

Feel that first beautiful lift.

Then they'd find out what they're missing.

And join the party.

Instead of getting left out like Beth.

I thought about inviting her, but she would

have gotten really uptight when we started doing

this stuff.

Happy birthday, Alice!

Hey, man, your brother's on fire.

Stand up, stand up, stand up and take

your praise, your praise.

Stand up.

She can't.

Don't you want me to blow out my

candles?

Sure, he'd want you to blow out the

candles.

Come on, kids.

It's not old-fashioned to celebrate a birthday

these days, is it?

Listen, we're really dying for something sweet.

Yeah, we pray you're sweet.

You know, you see, honey, birthday cakes aren't

so square.

They're round.

Alice, make your wish.

This year we break out the champagne.

Can you believe it?

Stoned out of our minds.

My own parents can't tell the difference.

How did they get to the age they

are?

Who's more out of it, them or us?

Having a wonderful time.

Wish you were here.

I could tell you a thing or two.

Come on, you guys, it's time to eat.

McFess!

Hey, good catch.

I, uh, thought I'd bring these tests over

to you.

Good.

Gonna meet my family.

Dottie, this is Joe Clement.

Hi.

My slave-driven T.A. Very good.

Nice to meet you.

Are you the Chaucer assistant?

Uh, no, I'm in contemporary lit.

My middle English stinks.

And this is Big Tim.

Hi.

Our star end.

That's Alice over there.

Alice?

That used to be Alice.

Honey, isn't that Alice?

I'm sure that's Alice.

She's been sleeping in Alice's room lately.

Well, the feet look familiar, but the hair

kind of hides everything else.

If you weren't so uptight about yourself, she

wouldn't be bugging me all the time.

Honey, that's no way to speak to your

mother.

It's okay, it's okay.

Uh, Joel, uh, how about staying for some

cold ham and potato salad?

Uh, sure.

If I'm not intruding, I don't...

No, no, no, listen.

If war breaks out again between the generations...

Did you bring your striped shirt and whistle?

He eats more than I do.

Tim is our refuse department.

If they gave a scholarship for gluttony, Tim

would be a shoo-in.

That's terrible.

What do you know about that scholarship renewal

for Richie, uh, what's-his-name, Alice's friend?

He's in your section, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Um, well, he started out pretty good, but

he's been slipping a lot lately.

He's got top grades on his papers.

I saw them.

Well, yeah, he's a smart guy, all right,

but, um, well, he's got a lot of

work that's overdue.

He's not gonna lose his scholarship, is he?

He doesn't care.

Wish Richie were here to straighten him out.

Then I wouldn't have to zonk myself to

get through moments like this.

Between the downs at home and the uppers

at school to get over the downs, I'm

popping more pills than I can keep track

of.

Did you hear about Bill getting busted?

Yeah, yeah.

Possession and dealing.

I heard all about it.

He's pushing at the junior high.

The junior high?

What-what if he's, um, says things about

his connections?

Now, look, ladies, two more facts of life.

One, he's not gonna say anything.

Nobody's gonna say anything.

Two, anybody who wants to pay for a

high, it's gonna find a source.

Right?

So junior high or senior high, somebody's gonna

make the bread.

Might as well be us, baby.

It's like penny candy for these pre-meds

to get this stuff.

The whole scene, whatever anybody's bag is, all

they want.

Yeah, we don't have a car to push,

Reggie, baby.

Yeah, but, you know, in schools and in

that car, and, you know, it's taking a

chance, isn't it?

It's worth taking a chance.

Except for the labs we'd miss.

I just don't understand why you're into this

pushing all of a sudden.

Don't you work on weekends anymore?

No, don't get me.

So it comes from too much talk and

not enough smoke.

Alice and I could, um, do Bill's number

at the junior high.

Bill was pushing mostly pills.

We could use the money though, couldn't we,

Reggie?

We're gonna miss it.

Well, I think I could pay it back

to you.

You're good to me.

Is it?

Wow.

Would you do that for me?

Sure.

I'd do anything.

You haven't had any speed yet, have you?

No.

Well, I got some good news.

When I'm with Reggie and we're both high,

it's really a wild feeling.

But when we're not high, he seems to

forget about me.

He never even touches me then.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what it's like

without dope.

Just feeling things straight.

I thought you'd be older.

I'm pushing at the grade school.

Are these yours?

No.

Somebody just gave them to me.

I didn't even want them.

Who is it, Reggie?

Is this the reason for his slump at

school?

And your peculiar...

The reason for his slump is because he's

out on his feet.

Reggie has two night jobs and...

Besides, he can't prescribe medicine just because he's

in pre-med.

And anyhow, I'm not in a slump, so...

So I guess you got your signals crossed,

huh?

Then straighten us out, honey.

If it wasn't Reggie, where'd you get those

pills you had upstairs?

Uh...

Some girl for some cramps or something, or

just about anybody to stay up for a

test.

I haven't even tried them.

I didn't even know I really had them.

I found them right in your desk.

You vacuumed the inside of my desk now?

The drawer was open.

They were right on top.

Well, so I guess I wasn't expecting a

search then.

I don't search my children's rooms.

She knows that, darling.

She knows that we respect her privacy, honey.

All we want is to be sure that

you aren't experimenting with his stuff or any

other drugs.

And that you'll tell us about it if

you do try.

All we want is your word.

We always trusted you, Alice.

And we want to keep on trusting you.

I know you have.

I give you my word.

Now, that's what I hope to hear.

Who was that?

Dummies.

Those creeps were just using us.

Both of us.

Us and God knows how many other stupid

girls.

The least we can do is take the

money.

It's ours, too.

Do you think we did the right thing?

Well, I think it would be worse if

we stayed.

Now all that money's gone, I don't trust

Ted or Richie.

I don't even trust myself.

Well, how long do you think the $200

is going to last us?

It'll last.

Maybe if we keep straight.

Maybe if we promise to keep straight.

I can't promise, Chris.

I can't trust myself.

I can't trust myself either.

There's kind of a bad scene we're into.

Kicking all that stuff.

You told me that it was just for

fun.

That we weren't really hooked.

I don't know, Alice.

I haven't been straight for two years.

Where's Chris?

Have you got anything?

Where is she?

Listen, I don't know any Chris.

You got any Eppers left?

I don't know you.

What's the matter?

You're in a blackout.

I brought you here.

Who are you?

I'm Doris.

You've been all over.

For how long?

Forever.

What happened to the music?

The whole rally was canceled, remember?

Somebody must have really sipped you a bad

pill.

Yeah, well.

I wish they'd do it again.

Yeah.

I figured there'd be a few cats left

to time me off.

Dying.

Hey, there's got to be some place to

crash around here, right?

Yeah, there's this creep at the digger's cafe.

Says he'll give me some bread to go

home with him.

So why don't you?

Tried.

Says baby hoopers turn him on.

Been making it longer than he has.

How old are you?

You know, 14.

Hey, uh.

I got to go now.

I'll see you.

Hey, wait, wait.

Don't you want this?

What are you writing?

I don't remember.

Yeah, well, I bet you really filed stuff.

See you later, Alice.

Okay, Doris.

It's happened.

Damn, we didn't even last a month.

Dallas to Phoenix to L.A. No jobs

anywhere, but plenty of dope.

How you pay for it's something else.

Use your imagination, the man said.

And even that doesn't work sometimes.

After a while, you don't even know what

you're buying.

Pure acid turns out to be horse tranquilizer.

I got on a jag with speed.

Didn't eat for five days.

Got to stay away from the hard stuff.

Sometimes grass just doesn't make it for me.

Chris likes heroin, but it makes me too

sick.

Little Alice searches for the perfect drug.

Still not sure if I'm pregnant.

None of us takes that pill, because even

if we had it, we'd never know what

day it is.

Chris and I found a place to crash.

Weird lady, weird man, but can be that

choosy.

They keep their dope in candy dishes.

God, how do we get out of here?

We're like prisoners.

They just got Chris in the other room.

I can hear him screaming.

We're just about booked up.

Are you coming or going?

Well, I'm not Catholic.

Neither are they.

Someone at the digger's cafe said that there

was a priest here who knew about kids.

Knew what?

Just knew.

I think he knew more about winos and

drunks, but they're kind of outnumbered now.

Do you want some coffee?

Yeah, I wanted to show him something.

Let me, please.

Whatever.

Hey, I'm sorry.

It's just that it's my diary.

Well, I'm the priest.

Come on.

Hey, man.

Remember when we felt beautiful?

About a hundred years ago?

Did you get to read it?

Of course I did.

And you couldn't?

Well, like you say, you're not Catholic.

Why is it really meant to be a

confession?

Except maybe to yourself.

If you start worrying about what makes good

reading, you might quit writing this stuff.

I can't even look at it.

I tried to, and...

Yeah, you tried.

It made me sick.

I am sick.

Look, I need something.

Like what?

Another expert opinion.

All right.

All right, all right.

I've got to stop, but I can't.

I tried months ago.

I can't.

I can't stay off of it.

I like it.

I want to live without it.

Then you'll have to live with this.

It's your choice.

It's your choice.

Father!

One of you gets this, and the other

one is it.

It's all right.

It's over.

It's over.

They're gone.

They're gone.

It's like it wasn't the time.

It's all right.

We were there

for three days.

Were you?

I don't know.

I don't know anything about what I read.

That's the part that made you sick before.

Maybe...

Maybe it never really happened.

I mean, maybe I was just so upset

that I made the whole thing up.

Because Chris left.

Do you want an opinion, or do you

want an alibi?

Don't hassle me.

I'm going to freak out again.

Listen.

Isn't it better for me to freak you

out than brain damage you?

I don't know what went down anymore.

That's why I came.

I know.

Let the priest put it all together again.

With a little help from the big head

sitter in the sky.

Well, don't count on it.

You're looking for magic.

I'm looking for help.

Then look inside.

Look at the part of you that won't

give up.

The part of you that stays alive through

a blackout.

The part of you that won't let you

lie to yourself.

Or your diary.

You did read it.

I didn't have to read much of it.

I've heard it all.

The thing that makes you different from a

lot of the others...

Is this.

At last I have something worthwhile to say.

God knows you do.

Maybe it isn't what you thought you were

saying.

But it's enough to break your heart.

Or your habit.

Can you imagine what some of these kids

would write in their diary?

365 pages with wow scrawled across every one

of them.

Well.

Lock this up for now.

Be sure to get another one of these

when you get home.

You might as well stay hooked on your

good habit.

Mm-hmm.

You sure?

What, you want to do the crash forever?

Like him?

The three of us make an odd couple.

Come on.

Here.

This is your home phone.

Please don't play.

Well, you want to, don't you?

I don't want to make things worse.

Take a chance.

It's their diary.

We'll reverse the chart.

Yeah.

Operator.

Area code 513.

The number is 388-2685.

Collect, please.

Party call is Alice.

Just Alice.

They'll know who it is.

Who answered?

Your father, but they're all getting on.

I can't.

I can't.

It's all yours, Alice.

It's all yours.

Alice?

Are you there?

Alice?

Alice, please.

Say hello.

Alice?

Oh, Jeffy.

Oh, mommy, Jeff.

I love you.

Somehow, Dara, I'm going to make it up

to my family.

They don't care what happened.

They don't even ask.

They just want to show the whole world

that they're behind me.

So that makes three on our side, just

in case the world's lined up the other

way.

Have you got some stuff?

I mean, you're kidding.

Hey, wait.

You're Alice, aren't you?

Forget it.

No, look, Bill said you'd be holding.

Tell Bill to forget it, too.

Now you're holding.

Welcome home.

Now I'm not holding.

God, if they knew how much I wanted

those pills.

I'm still shaking, but I can't blow it

now.

Not a second time.

Hey, Beth.

Huh?

I can't wait for your party Saturday night.

You think you could get me a college

guy, too?

Oh, sure.

Okay.

I'll see you later.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi.

Congratulations.

Is Butter in?

Well, he won't be here till the party.

Hey, that's okay.

I'm sorry.

Look, fair's fair.

I didn't invite you to my party.

That's not why.

It's just that everybody in school knows who's

on and who's off now.

It's like two different worlds.

I mean, once you get a reputation, I

mean, it's just that straight kids are so

outnumbered, Alice.

It just gets suspicious.

Yeah, and the users are so paranoid that

they can't stand to have any straight ones

around.

Thanks for a lot of fun.

Look, I really wish I could invite you.

I just can't.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I understand.

Hold on, you're still the only friend I

have.

It's awfully cold out here in no man's

land.

Even Chris is luckier.

Her parents just moved away after she got

home and let her start all over again.

Jan, what army are you feeding this weekend?

The whole crowd.

Including Alice if she'd break down and socialize

a little.

Well, she gets a lot of studying done

on in your sitter's job, but maybe she's

being too conscientious.

We'll try to persuade her.

All work and no play.

Why don't you give up, Alice, and get

off your high horse.

Or your horse high.

Bye, it was really nice seeing you again.

Bye.

I'm going to lose my mind.

Mom and Dad tell me to be a

good judge of character.

Sometimes I wonder how they made it to

the age that they are.

It's like I've been part of some giant

spy ring that won't let go of me.

Don't they realize that the more they put

me on the spot, the harder it is

for me not to talk to my parents

or someone.

Hey, Alice.

How are you, Alice?

Oh, what are you doing, babysitting?

Hey, Jan, you're all well.

So Mrs. Larson called me when you didn't

show up and asked me to come over.

I just put the baby down, so keep

it down.

I'm going to get her off.

That's my job.

It's not your job anymore, so stay away

from the baby.

Look, she's laughing when I'm dancing around.

She doesn't want to sleep.

Oh, a little music.

A little singing.

Oh, shut up.

You want me to call your family?

You try that, you fiend.

Get out.

You get out.

Look, I'm taking over.

This is my jersey.

It's my jersey.

It's my bus.

It's my piano.

It's my stereo.

It's my pillow.

Sneaker, please come to Jan.

She's crying out for you.

Oh, you don't.

Please, no.

Please.

I think you handled it absolutely right.

Exactly.

What else could you have done?

Would you like some more coffee?

No, thank you.

A lot worse from Jan Minker's point of

view.

Could have gone over her mother's head to

the authorities.

And we still can if she stirs anything

up.

You promised me that if I told you,

you wouldn't...

Promise still stands.

Let's try and be realistic about this.

I can't get you an overnight transfer just

because a couple of antisocial kids want to

drive you out of school.

I think it makes more sense to stand

up to Jan Minker.

Whatever mistakes your friends think you've made, I

can't believe that they'll side with her on

this one, any sane person would understand that

you were responsible for that baby.

Kids like that don't understand anything.

I'm damn glad my kids aren't like that.

Are you kidding, Daddy?

I was worse.

Don't you know what it was all about?

I don't want to know.

What Dad means is that it's forgotten.

Yeah, I know what Dad means.

The point is you're a different person now.

You're strong, an adult, and we're with you.

And when that crowd finally realizes that you

really mean business, you'll get their respect too.

Thanks for walking me to school.

Listen, I could walk you home if you

want.

Anytime.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, watch out there.

You don't want to flush Miss Smith downstairs.

What would you do if they put a

roach down your father's car?

What's the matter?

Can't you take it?

Listen, would you like a little something to

calm your nerves?

It should make you feel really fine.

Oh, you know your little brother?

Your little baby brother?

I think before you quit school, you better

tell your baby brother not to take any

candy from people he doesn't know.

If you go near him or anyone even

tries, I'll kill you.

I mean it, Jen.

I'll kill you.

Hey.

Hey, have you seen my dad?

Uh, no.

As a matter of fact, I was just

looking around for him myself.

I think he may have gone home for

the day.

If I bump into him, is there a

message you'd like to leave or something?

No, uh, I won't bother with it.

Wait a second.

It's funny how I've divided the whole world

into freaks and straights for so long.

I forgot there were other kinds of people

around.

I went through a similar thing a couple

years ago with my parents, you know.

But I didn't feel like I had to

relate to them everything about it, you know.

I mean, there are other ways you can

talk to your parents.

There are other things you can talk to

them.

They don't have to know everything about you.

Did you have somebody you could talk to?

Yeah, my friends.

I guess that's the trouble.

I mean, I can't talk to the kids

who use dope because they're afraid of me

that I'll turn them in and I know

too much.

I can't talk to the kids who've never

used dope because they're scared of me because

I've used dope.

And the whole point is that I'm scared.

I came to Daddy's office this morning because

what happened today in school is going to

keep on happening.

And they won't stop.

They'll do something to Tim.

They'll put dope in Daddy's car.

They'll...

They're angry.

They're angry at me because I turned them

in.

I mean, I'm worse than their parents now.

I stand for everything that they hate, the

reasons they take dope, copying out from what's

real.

Well, what do you want to do?

I guess I just need someone else to

talk to.

I'll buy that.

Thanks.

So, are you going to be working over

the weekend?

Yeah, I'm babysitting for the Larsons all weekend.

A little extra cash always comes in handy.

I only work until Saturday, 9 o'clock.

Listen, do you think it'd be okay if

I stopped by?

Saturday?

Yeah.

What for?

Watch TV, talk.

Alice, what I'm trying to do is ask

you for a date.

I guess what's strangest about Joel is that

he really does the things that Richie pretended

to do.

He works hard and likes it, supports himself,

cares about people.

Dr. Benjamin.

But we need more than a few signs

of recognition to establish how much memory is

available.

Professor, medical recommendations in this case depend on

the patient's verbal response.

The more direct and significant your contact with

her, the better for all of us.

Well, just us today.

That means you're better, honey.

You're well enough to tell us how you

are.

If you want to just nod until you're

ready, that's okay for openers.

You know, like we've been trying with the

doctor.

Give us a nod.

Come on.

You can see us and hear us.

Show us you know who we are.

And that we love you.

Do you know that we love you, darling?

How can she answer that?

That's about her kind of question.

Yes, it was.

Can you remember things now?

Try to remember what happened that night.

There's a special reason that we need to

have you answer now.

It's legal, really, as well as medical.

Your dad will explain it to you.

It's more or less a formality.

There's going to be a hearing of sorts.

And the only complication is that...

You're...

Two of the girls at school, they...

Well, they say that you've been selling this

LSD that you took to Alice all along.

We don't believe it.

Alice, we're going to swear to our belief

in you against every last one of them.

We're going to swear to the change in

you since you've been home and your work

and your attitude and everything.

And how that whole school crowd upset you

and they kept after you.

If we had a clue as to where

you got the stuff you took at the

Larsons...

No.

No.

She's trying to tell us.

She wants to.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

They're crawling again.

They're crawling.

Get the doctor.

They're crawling.

No, it's all right.

Doctor, please.

Please.

I'm sorry.

We've had enough for today.

Please stop it.

Please.

They're crawling again.

Please stop it.

Please.

Morning, Alice.

One of your friends told your family you

might like to take back to the clinic

with you.

Locked, though.

Only for your own use.

Just for you.

If it's true that you still keep the

diary.

What friend?

I'm not sure.

Let me see if I have a note

here.

Any idea who it might be?

Boy, girl?

Someone older?

Someone at school?

No friend, sir.

It was Beth Baum.

And I didn't do it.

It was in the drink.

Please tell the kids.

I didn't do it.

Please tell them, Beth.

Please.

Alice, look at me.

And try to make me understand so I

can tell Beth.

I just went to the refrigerator and I

opened the drawer and there was a bottle

of drink there and I took it out.

It was half empty and I took the

drink and I took the formula and I

went into the living room and I sat

down and then I started to give the

formula to the...

Oh, the baby.

The baby's all right.

Nothing happened to the baby.

She was asleep in the crib.

You left the baby in the crib and

lopped yourself into the closet.

To stay away from her.

You did not harm the baby.

You harmed yourself.

Thank you.

I'm tripping.

I'm tripping half.

I thought that I was buried without a

coffin.

And I tried to scratch my way out.

Yes.

And kick and claw.

Yes.

I guess I even tried to use my

head against the door.

Yes, your skull was fractured.

Some door, huh?

But only a door.

No.

No coffin.

And I'm even alive.

No one died, Alice.

I guess I'm really back.

Well, live and learn, diary.

This youth center was probably the first sensible

thing that's happened to me since I started

drugs.

Like I come from a small town and

I hadn't heard about drugs at all, you

know, or I hadn't been around it that

much.

And then, you know, my parents started with

this, you know, every time I'd come home,

they'd start checking me out, you know, checking

my eyes and everything.

And they were the first ones that ever,

you know, really, I, you know, knew about

drugs, but they really made me aware of

drugs, you know, like the pills and the

grass.

Seems crazy now that I'm straight.

But that's how it all started.

You know, like a couple of my buddies,

we heard about gluing.

And bam, we all got blasted.

Like it was so green.

Like I thought the first little lift was

some kind of a high.

I really dug it.

Still do.

Big sniffing glue.

You know, that first little lift.

He just told you.

He digs being straight.

I know what he just told me.

But he's getting high just talking about getting

high, and you're getting high off of his

high, and I'm getting high off of your

high, and it's one big contact high.

We think we're having this great rap session,

and really we're no better than any wino

who sniffs cards.

Just doesn't go anywhere.

Hey, look, Alice.

Don't get mad.

Look, I can get us a mixed bag,

you know, just for the two of us.

No.

I really don't want to.

For the first time in my dumb life,

I think I meant that.

I know I'll always be one pill away

from being an addict.

I can't.

But if I can just keep turning down

that one pill, that same pill, I'll be

okay.

Goodbye.

Most hopeless of places where I finally learned

to hope.

Learned to take apart nightmares and put together

a life.

Even learned to forget about people who forget

about me.

Like Joel.

But it doesn't matter.

Nothing matters now except going home.

That's not bad.

It's pretty.

Where are the candles?

No candles.

I said there could be a party without

candles, without cakes, and no singing.

And I cook all the food.

That's not bad, as long as you don't

do your cooking the way Beth does.

Listening to foreign language records simultaneously.

One of these days she's going to make

lasagna topped with chocolate mousse.

You'll be the first one to try it,

bud.

But the sin of the food was so

bad we used to have to have contests

to jazz it up.

You know, like peanut butter and whipped cream

on salami.

You ever try turnips and yogurt?

Sure.

Come on, Beth.

Save us some toppings.

What are your plans about school and everything

else?

I don't know.

I guess the same as my plans about

life.

Just take it as it comes.

You know, I was going to say it

was different now because of us.

But what it really boils down to is

that you really did it yourself.

I guess there's something about living through the

worst that can happen, that once it's really

over...

Well, I hope it's over.

I don't think I could live through that

again.

Once is enough for anybody.

But you really did it, Alice.

Yeah, with the help of my friends, huh?

Alice, there's somebody here to see you.

Happy birthday.

It was really good.

Thanks.

You know, I...

I really feel crummy about the last couple

of months.

Not writing you anything.

I didn't have any right to expect that

you would.

It's just that...

Well, when it comes right down to it,

I guess I was afraid.

I mean, I knew you had a lot

of things going on inside you, a lot

of problems, you know, and so do I.

I guess everybody does.

It's just that...

I just didn't know if I...

was willing to take on the responsibility for

somebody else.

I know.

Anyway, what I want to say is that

I...

I don't feel that way anymore.

And I don't blame you if you're sore

to me.

I'm...

I mean, if...

It's no way to start a relationship if

you really care about somebody.

I do care about you.

I guess the problem is that I...

I don't know how to start a relationship.

I don't talk very well, except in my

diary, and...

I've done a lot of things with a

lot of men, but I was always...

really stoned.

I guess I don't know...

if I can have a relationship with someone

and be just...

me.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

I guess Joel is about the best birthday

present any 17-year-old girl named Alice

could ask for.

But as nice as he is, I hope

I don't lean on him the way I

did with drugs.

It scares me when I...

when I still find myself thinking about a

high.

It's a fear I've got to live with.

Oh, well.

Tomorrow's a new day.

And finally back to school.

I think I've come to a decision.

Yeah?

You look like you've come to some sort

of decision.

It's about my diary.

Yeah?

I just finished this second one, and I

really don't have time for it anymore.

And besides, I don't think I need it.

Could be.

In the fall of her last year in

high school, our daughter died of an overdose

of drugs.

We were never able to find out what

the drugs were or whether or not they

were self-administered.

Since she'd stopped keeping a diary several months

before, we had no clues as to why

she died.

We have discovered since then that she was

one of almost 5,000 drug deaths that

year.

And so we decided to make her diary

public because we feel she would have wanted

us to.