Original subtitles

So this is my special friend, Jasmine, guys. Hi, Jasmine.

You brought me stripper to draft day?

If you give up Tom Brady, I will let you come in my arms.

Your taste?

Go here.

The deer, we can't lose.

Hey, what's going on with that sandwich? I'm getting pretty hungry down there.

Alright,

who do we have here today?

Hi, my name is Alex Cole.

Hello, Alex. How are you today?

I'm doing fucking awesome.

I love it. I love it. So you've got your football and your jersey. You're ready

to play some football, huh? I'm so ready to go.

How's it going so far? Fun?

I'm having the best day. This is awesome, man. I'm looking forward to

So this whole thing is built around fantasy football.

Do you play fantasy football? Do you know about fantasy football?

I know a little bit about it. I haven't really played it yet, but maybe I will

after this. It's a good motivation.

Right? Yeah, you're like, I want to be a part of it. Yeah.

If you were in a fantasy sex league, and points were giving up for sexual acts,

right, how many points would you give for, say, like, a blowjob?

All right. If you give a blowjob, I feel like you get, like, two points. But if

you give a good blowjob, you get three points.

Okay. You're the commissioner, so you're the judge. It's different. Yeah, I've

got to judge if it's a good blowjob or not. Yeah, you've got to watch all those

blowjobs. Oh, I know my blowjob.

I'm going to judge harshly. Okay. They have a bad anal sex. What's that look?

Oh, man.

That, again, I think if you have

sex, then four points. But if you go

hard, then five.

Okay. Yeah.

What about anal sex?

That's going all the way. That's a touchdown.

That's a good point.

Six points? I think so.

Now, would you get more points for it being on set or more points for it being

at home?

I think you'd get more points for it being on set because that means I get to

watch it in HD later.

So I would like to reward you for that.

But a cool audience you get at home.

Okay. Now, in the league where the loser is, you know, they'll have a punishment

for the person who wins.

If you are the commissioner, what is the last thing on your mind?

I think you've got to be the toy for all the girls. I think you've got to be

able to do whatever you want with you for a little bit. With every, even if

have one, you have one. So, like, yeah.

I just want to put you in my mouth. That's all I want. So, I'm pretty easy.

All right. All right.

So, when you're watching the game, if somebody breaks the rule, they throw a

penalty flag, right? And they get the team to come out.

If you were a sex referee, you'd watch people have sex.

What would be some things that you would go apply for? Fitting.

I hate it. I hate seeing people spit.

I'm like, no, you're wasting it. Spit it in my mouth.

And then something else would be... If you're... Can

I example?

Absolutely.

I think if you're like writing...

I don't like that either. I want you to be bouncing on it.

Like, I like it more when the girl's bouncing than when the guy's like,

up?

Okay. That's the penalty for that.

Okay. And then, if you don't eat pussy, you get a penalty.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, so you better eat that pussy.

You fucking better.

Okay, alright, alright.

What would be the equivalent of a touchdown in the book?

Cool. That's, if you can make me come three times in a row.

It's hard to do, but it's very worth it. If you were having a fantasy draft for

a set, what would be your first pick? My draft pick?

What would be your position draft pick?

My position draft pick?

Missionary. I like missionary, but not like missionary with my knees by my

Like this kind of missionary.

I like that. That's great. Plus the eye contact.

That's perfect.

No spitting.

What position would you not pick?

I'm going to be honest.

Either reverse cowgirl or spoon.

Because I can't do nothing in spoon. I just got to kind of like chill.

I don't like to chill.

So probably spoon.

And if you were to win your lead, how do you celebrate?

Food. Food is my favorite thing. So I'd want to go to like a really, really nice

buffet. or something where I could just have, you know, the buffets where they

have the unlimited champagne and like all the different kinds of really good

food. I want that. I want to go there.

There you go. All right, gorgeous. Thank you very, very much for coming tonight.

You were a blast and, uh, can't wait to see these things when they come out.

Thank you. I love to be here.

I will do anything.

Love it. Love it. All right, girl. Have a great day.

Bye.

Went to Super Bowl last year. He's going to be absolutely amazing.

You're twins?

We just signed another year.

So we'll see how he does. I think I'm going to go.

What are you thinking, Alex?

What? Why?

Did you?

Is that your sheet?

No. Who are you picking? I'm just texting or something.

I don't know. I'm not telling you anything. Worst liar ever.

Sackle again.

That's a good thing, right? You're going to be Sackle again.

I don't want to be a good liar. Poker face.

I can already tell exactly who you're picking right now. You can't pick based

off a cute book. You do not know my pick unless somebody sent you my pick. It

doesn't matter who she picks. She got last place last. She's going to get last

place again.

You know what?

Am I telling lies?

Did you actually study this year or are you going based off of the mascot again?

Did you even study for this draft?

They're not working.

I'm going to win.

They're all going to see.

You ran out of time on some picks. They're all going to see.

You ran out of time on picks last season. I have been practicing with a

technique.

Got this.

I'm not going to get distracted this year, no matter what happens. Technique

called last place.

Sacco.

Look, I actually got. Let me see your jersey. What does it say on the back?

it does say Sacco.

You're going to eat that. You're going to eat your words. You're going to eat

your words. And you know what?

I'm going to show you. Because I've been practicing. I even got Oliver to

practice with me.

He doesn't even like this stuff.

But I got him to practice. Where is he?

At home.

He's not going to have fun here.

You're going to practice, but he doesn't even care about you.

No. He doesn't have to care. I care.

It's my thing.

It's his thing.

Romantic couple activities and shit. He has that. I have this.

Okay.

But, but.

Yeah, got it.

Brad, what time are we kicking this thing off, man?

Now. Are we ready?

How are we picking this year?

We got a hat. We're doing names.

You got to be kidding me.

A hat? Yeah.

Where's Paco?

He would be the one who's supposed to go first, and he's not here, so we're

picking, and fuck him. He can go last.

As last year's winner, I say we pick without him.

We've got to wait for everybody. That's not fair. Come on, guys. He's not here.

He goes last.

That's fair.

Hey, last year, last one. Do you really want to make sure you have that

opportunity to go last again?

Or we can just pick now and get Taco out of the way. Look, Ryan, the important

thing is... You wouldn't be last. Why the fuck are you picking names out of a

hat?

That's what I already asked.

I think we should just pick. I think we should just pick.

First name, first name, who's it going to be? Mahomes, baby, Mahomes.

First pick in the draft.

Oh, fuck, you guys wouldn't believe it.

What? Taco.

Taco?

Dude, where is Taco?

He's coming. What the fuck is going on? I have no clue. I called him an hour

ago. I told him we were ready for him. Where the hell is Taco? It's the biggest

day of the year. Hey, guys. What are you all doing here?

Taco. Taco. Come on, man. Where have you been, man? What the hell? What's up,

guys? It's draft day.

Come on. Oh, yeah, I knew that.

So this is my special friend, Jasmine, guys.

Hi, Jasmine.

All right. So, yeah, what are you doing?

Okay, Jasmine, let me appease the tyrants real quick, and then we'll

little bit.

Come on!

All right, so how do we do this, guys?

How do we do this? What do you mean, do what, man? What the fuck? How do we do

this? Is this your first year again?

All right, am I picking my team? Your first pick.

Okay, which ones are the kickers?

You're holding them.

Okay, so I'll take these guys.

Taco, are you fucking kidding me? You did this last year.

Yeah, and I had 14 kickers.

But you have to pick them one at a time.

Oh, then I'll take this one. Okay, great. Put it up.

Okay.

Where do I put it? I have no idea.

Under your name.

Team two is you.

Just put a picture of a fucking taco, okay?

The letters are too hard.

Yeah, the reading thing is difficult.

So do I get to do my second one now?

No. Oh.

No. No.

So, I mean, if you're going to get first pick, I'll definitely take this off.

Flappy packets with kickers.

No. Kickers.

You want to have your kicker?

Yeah. Whatever to get your kickers. Does the date look familiar to you? I don't

know. I was literally thinking the same thing.

Like, I know I've seen her from somewhere. I just don't know where it's

Yeah, it's like right at the back of Hopkins.

No fucking way.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Do you know her?

She's a stripper.

She's a stripper.

Whoa. She's a stripper. She's a fucking stripper, dude.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Taco, you brought a stripper to draft day?

No, no, no, no, no.

An exotic dancer.

And a stripper. What?

Oh, my God.

What?

Companion. Classic taco.

Oh, my God, taco.

You brought a prostitute to traffic. Oh, my God, dude.

That's her.

A wonderful woman. Oh, my God.

Are you helping her get away from college? Okay.

So, like, how did that not work?

You remember the gal I brought to Christmas last year?

Look, she's a total star. She was, too.

You couldn't just meet a regular girl?

They are regular girls. What are you guys talking about? Oh, my God. Taco.

Oh, my God. Is this where you spend your money? No, I spend my money starting

the corporation.

The notary business wasn't working out, so I started the tacos truck. Okay.

Tacos truck. Yeah.

Go taco, baby. I parked the truck out in the alley.

We're changing your team name now from Tacos Team to Kickers and Prostitutes.

That's going to be it.

Is that going to be the new name of your taco truck?

That would be a good one.

Kickers and Escorts? I don't know.

E -B -E Taco Truck.

E -B -E. Exotic Dancers and Escorts. Perfect.

I don't think you want to name it E -D.

No, E -D -E.

Eskimos, exotic dancers, and escorts. No big deal. I don't think you want to

name it E -D.

Yeah. Eskimos and hookers? Exactly. Andre and I are Eskimo brothers now.

What? What? What?

I don't want to throw that one out of left field. I fucked his wife.

When? Yeah, we're Eskimo brothers now.

Last week?

Yeah. He broke into my house. And three days ago. And three days ago.

Bathroom window again?

Bathroom window.

Bathroom window.

Taco's entrance.

That is his typical taco. Yeah, taco entrance. Little beanie. Right through

back of the window.

Did he break it?

He broke it, but he promised to pay with his winnings if he wins the league.

Okay. All right, so, like, was she good? No, she was great. What the hell

happened? Details, bro.

Yeah, she just didn't want to go upstairs and fuck. So we did.

You know, Andre was out running errands and, you know, flipped it in her ass.

How the fuck does he put that? You've been walking in with a hooker apparently

twice now.

What is life, man? You know, you just got to go with the roll. You know, I

to be part of the Triple Esky. You're at the Eskimo Club.

I know, but... You want me to be Triple Esky?

Triple Esky. Oh, dude. So you just got to fuck her, too.

Obviously. Yeah, you fuck her, I'll fuck your wife.

Yeah, we'll put a pin on that and get back to that later. Okay. But yeah, you

know, let's all rub our wieners in the same place and be in the club. You can

name me the game. I'm putting together a database of all the holes.

You know, the bros and I put our dicks in. This is going to be a much better

pass to draft than what we're working on right now. It's pretty expensive.

I haven't crossed that triple -esque status with anybody. You want to be my

first? Yeah, we should definitely get on that. Hell yeah.

That'll be a threat you can't cross.

Yeah, I'll whisper to her. She'll be waiting for you. Okay. I know she's

Because fuck Andre, right?

Fucking fedora.

I know.

Teflon Dre, man.

That fucking guy.

You know that guy, his cousin, Rafi, I think we should get him to replace

Dre next year.

Yeah, I think that's probably the better idea. Have you seen Rafi's wife?

Oh.

He brings the good ones around.

Yeah. You know what I pulled? I pulled the old switcheroo.

She was not, you know, into the anal, but, you know, I put it in there anyway.

And she just said, you know, maybe keep going. So she was into it. It was that.

It was like, no, no, no. No.

Yeah. Gotcha.

But anyway, so anyway, so we'll probably get back to the gang.

Yeah. Finish our draft. Yeah.

We're going to have to get this going.

Yo, Alex.

What? I'm here.

What?

I'm not showing you my list. I'm not asking for the list. I've got something

much better for you.

Do you want to be part of the bros?

Yeah, I want to be part of the bros. You want to be part of the bros? I want to

be... You know I want to be part... Tell me how to be... You're going to come

help me run the play, right?

Yeah. Right.

I want to pick up from his daughter. It's called the General Lac Bar.

Okay. We've got to go talk to Lauren.

We're going to talk to Lauren. Well, I mean, we're going to talk to Lauren.

Huh?

I'm being wingman?

Hopefully a little more, but yeah.

I'm going.

Oh, my God. Yeah, if Taco can fuck her, we can fuck her. That's what I'm talking

about. She was good, wasn't she? That's what I heard.

What are you waiting for? You like the boobs. Go.

Both of us. Boobs. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey,

Lauren. Hey. What's going on? Heard you hate the Spanish football bullshit.

Yeah, I hate it. I know. It's pretty terrible, huh? I hate the work.

They're all dicks. It's just duck. Yeah.

Yeah. It's waste of time, really.

Speaking of dicks. Yeah.

Heard you fuck Taco.

Excuse me? No, it's cool, it's cool. Yeah, it's great. It's just that we were

thinking together as one that maybe... You'd want to fuck us.

Yeah, we're better than tacos, right?

Oh, yeah, I'm confused.

No, it's cool.

It's like, we're all like Eskimo brothers.

And I really want to get in on the Eskimo brothers family.

She's been looking and dying to get inducted, and to think about that, you

to bring her in. What is with the whole Eskimo brothers? You guys are like a...

It's all part of the team.

Yeah, yeah. So we like fantasy football and being in it. But I haven't been

accepted into the group yet, so it would really help me like a lot if you could

just let me.

And also think about it. He drug you here and you're all dressed up real

and now he's just ignoring you. So why not get even better revenge by sneaking

off and getting some... Having a bunch of orgasms.

I hope she's amazing.

This whole thing is insane.

Yeah, what do you think he ran across with you?

Come on.

You met my boy Brad over

there, right?

Yeah. Can you do me a favor?

I can't tell you why, but can you just start distracting for a minute?

I can't believe you wore your shoulder pad.

Yeah, lucky pads, I told you.

Are you picking the right name?

I'm trying.

Bobby keeps taking all my pics like one turn before me.

All right, well, that trophy can look really good in our house this year. Hey,

like your pads.

They look really protective.

See, babe told you.

Flexy pads.

Hi. Hey, I'm Jasmine.

I'm Brad.

I think I'm going to go distract Bobby over there, okay?

Good idea. We could use that. You bet.

So who are you picking over here?

I'm looking at running backs right now.

Are those the guys that protect the ball? I'm not sure how this works.

They run the ball.

Okay. So who are you looking to pick for?

I need a receiver right now.

Man, blue looks so good on you.

I'm looking at it. Oh, really?

Wow, yeah. It's such a great color. It makes your eyes look bigger. You kind of

match a little bit.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A receiver.

You haven't chosen this one yet?

No, I have one, but I need another one, so I'm trying to figure out who I want

to get.

No,

it's my pick right now I'm trying to figure out the last one right now You

know like I don't know

Super important. I'm just going to get this picture right now.

Wow,

have you been working out?

You're the second person to ask me that.

Your arms are just getting so big.

Your biceps are so strong.

Hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

How much time, Brad, do I have?

This round?

About 10, 15 seconds left.

Somebody told me that this dress makes my eyes look really blue. What do you

think? Did it make my eyes look really blue?

Eight? Seven?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, look. You didn't even look. Three seconds, man. Round's up.

Okay, okay.

Darby.

Darby? Yeah.

Not really cooling the pressure, are you?

What? Darby, great choice.

Wait, what?

What did I pick?

Darby, great choice.

Fuck, no.

No, I need to do over. I meant dig. Time's up, though.

Sorry, we're moving on.

Who is next?

Ryan's up next.

Maybe Taco will trade you for a kicker.

Where's Ryan? It's his turn.

Ryan you're up

You went white all the way.

She's a classy lady.

I know. That's why we like her. That's why we brought her to the big bathroom.

It's got to be uncomfortable.

It's so uncomfortable.

Don't worry, I'll protect you.

You're doing a good job at that.

Team effort, right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That feels so good.

I mean, that's what you do in team effort.

Brought you in sooner.

We have Kool -Aid later if you'd like.

Yeah, it is. So, I guess let's start the real league, huh? Yeah.

You guys want to start the real league? Yeah.

Absolutely. All right. Well, we'll go on with your names in the hat thing. What

do you think?

Let the girls have a draft here.

Names already in the hat, right?

Let's see.

That's my husband.

You want another one?

You have to draw again if it's your husband.

Okay, Bobby.

Okay. Listen, drop them.

Oh, wait, no. Hold on. All right, Jasmine.

All right.

You're paying for all this, right?

Put it on my tab.

That's extra.

Oh, I got taco.

You brought him. You can't have him. Go pick another one.

You guys suck at this.

So, Alex,

I guess that leaves you with taco, huh?

Peace.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm going to hold your hair for you, babe.

Oh, my.

That's okay

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck, yeah.

Told you how many times I scored a noose.

Oh,

look. Oh.

Let's see if y 'all pay attention to anything.

You should come over here.

Thank you.

yes yes yes

Don't stare at my face, Robert!

That's dropped out.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

We need to start this fucking draft order.

What? This thing got so ruined.

It's not ruined. We're out of order. We got no idea who got who. What's going

on?

I've got a new idea.

You stop fucking me to say this.

We got to get this thing straight. What do we have? We have orgy after. I want

to establish a new draft order. All right. What's the draft order? All

The draft is important.

The draft is very important.

Fit it out. Let's get every girl paired with the guy that drew their name out of

the hat.

All right. And the first guy to come gets the fuck. first draft pick.

And if your guy wins, you get the first draft pick.

So if you and I get first draft pick?

No, because you guys are a team.

You and Brad are a team.

Okay.

Is that a deal?

It's a partner option.

Line up.

Are we drawing you?

No.

Get on your knees.

We're going to move this thing out of the way here.

Okay.

Look at this mess.

I am not cleaning this up. I am terrible at cleaning. You don't want to. Okay.

Right down here, girl.

Oh, hey, guys. What did I miss?

We're gonna have the first draft pick.

I can't. I can't.

Heavy drop.

That shit no holding up.