Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds:

This is the woman your amigo searches for?

That's the one, Raul.

El Andy, we will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

You know what your real problem is? The Minuteman, vigilante.

We don't get many bean counters volunteering.

Got nothing holding me back. I'm ready to kick ass.

You know that woman I showed you on my phone?

-She left me. -There'll be others.

Not like Hope. Sometimes after making love, she'd dead-lift me.

Hey there.

Do you party?

Yeah, I party.

You're so fucking young. I have a 10-year-old son.

I know, I met him.

Mom?

Mom, were you shooting heroin?

You take too many drugs.

You need to keep better care of this door.

Cocaine? Coca?

-I have to go. -Can't you stay?

I have a breakfast meeting in another country.

Go back to sleep.

Maybe I can push my meeting.

-My kids will be up soon. -Can't really push my meeting.

I'll call you later.

Okay?

-Oh, that smells so good. -Pharmaceutical or street drugs?

Both. Mostly Xanax and coke.

We've got a heroin detox in Room 603 and meth in 41 2.

Good luck to you.

What's going on?

Celia...

...your family and friends love you and are very concerned about you.

Now, there's no reason to be scared. We are all here to help you.

Who the fuck are you?

My name is Lee Milne, and I'm a family intervention specialist.

Jesus. You are fucking kidding me.

-Unlock this shit now. -Those are mine. Aren't they cute?

-This initial reaction is quite normal. -Fuck you.

It's for your own good. You've become a danger to yourself and others.

It's such an unexpected pleasure to see you, loser.

Honey, honey. Uncuff me, baby.

I'll give you a cookie.

-Hold firm. -Pam, do something.

-Why don't we start with you, Pamela? -Oh, right.

"Dear Celia, since you began abusing drugs, our friendship has changed."

Hey, on TV, they don't handcuff people for their interventions.

"I miss the old Celia...

...who bettered the community through her work on city council...

...who crusaded tirelessly to keep children off drugs...

...and who created excellent distractions so I could shoplift at Forever 2 1 .

I miss that Celia. She was my best friend.

Please get help today."

Oh, fuck.

You scan the price, and hit return, tax, total. Got it?

-Yeah, I know. I can scan shit. -She worked at JCPenney's.

I was almost floor manager, till I met this pimp named Silky.

Well, thank you for doing this.

Yeah, I get it. Gotta go with who you know...

...so you don't get ass raped, business-wise.

Wow, that baby is just gonna tip you over.

-Hello, baby. -Get the fuck back, bitch.

Don't you touch my child.

-Clinique. -What?

People like it when you treat them like shit. She gonna come and buy a blouse.

Nancy, I need to get going.

-Jimmy has Kindermusic in 40 minutes. -Okay. Let's get you going.

This is lgnacio. lgnacio, this is Sanjay.

And Jimmy Jam.

Say hello, Jimmy.

Okay, time to go. Say goodbye to Jimmy Jam.

Did he just call my baby Satan?

I gotta be honest, sometimes I have the same thought.

Your baby isn't Satan.

He projectile vomits, and once it was blue.

He probably just ate blue Jell-O or a Thomas train.

He'll be fine. Go sing with him.

-What are these? -Snacks.

-Heavy snacks. -We're very hungry. Back the fuck up.

-This is my cousin Amparo. -Amparo.

She going to a massage school in San Bernardino.

I'll see you on the way back down, blanca.

He comes from a broken home. A lot of anger from childhood.

Like he's special.

-I want rotelli. -I'm not a short-order cook.

-You're a sucky babysitter. -Less talk, more eat.

-My mom still loves my dad, you know. -Oh, yeah?

They talk to each other on the phone all the time.

She usually calls him after you leave to talk about adult stuff.

So that's me, that's him and that's you.

So I do that, and you do that, and he does that?

-Unless you do that and I do that. -Well, I'm the only one who can do that.

Unless we use one of those, but I don't know where we'd get that.

-Well, we could use a-- -Mom.

Shane.

Two pierced strangers.

-I'm Simone. -I'm Harmony.

We're working on a science project for science.

-About volcanoes. -And wind.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Migraine.

I bought...

...medicine.

My mom says you dress like a prostitute.

-Shut up. -That's what she said.

Why are you here?

My mom's at a custody mediation in Ventura with my dad.

He wants me weekends.

-They still love each other. -Oh, no kidding?

-Did you hear that? -Yeah, I heard.

I'm going out tonight.

Can you make sure Shane and his two lab assistants...

...don't trash the house?

You mean, do your job?

Yes...

...only better.

Ladies, whose names are escaping me right now...

...I assume your parents are coming to pick you up?

-Yeah. -Okay, nice meeting you.

Go, science.

-When's she leaving? -Soon.

I told my mom I was staying at your house.

-I told my mom I was staying at yours. -Awesome.

Wait. ls my mom with your mom?

My mom's doing her Landmark Forum Summit at a hotel by the airport.

It's like a self-improvement pyramid scheme.

My mom's in Borrego, conducting a sound bath in a biospheric dome.

It's like a sonic-healing session.

My mom's probably going on a date with a drug kingpin.

He's like the mayor of Tijuana.

Oh, yeah. I know just how you feel.

Dead inside.

Shit.

-Hey. -Hey.

Somebody here wants to talk to you, buddy.

-Se�or Doug? -Mermex?

-ls that really you? -It's Maria.

Maria. That's what I meant.

So how are you doing?

I'm good.

-How are you? -Good.

Good.

What are you guys up to?

Standing on the street. It's sunny.

Yeah, yeah, it's sunny here too.

-ls Andy there? -Yes.

Cool.

Could I talk to him, please?

-Yeah? -ls it really her?

It's her, man.

The bartender's cousin's nephew used to date her friend.

-She didn't get fat, did she? -She's beautiful.

-Oh, good. -She's holding your flip-flop.

-She kept my flip-flop? -She kept your flip-flop.

Patrol's working my sector today, but the coast should be clear by tomorrow.

Bring her to me, man. Bring her home to Daddy.

Done, big guy.

Hi, it's Lisa. Leave me a message.

So you'd sit facing me.

With my butt in his face? I don't think so. I think I'm on my side.

Oh, the camera.

Strike a pose, Harm.

I think we're gonna need some water. I'll be right back.

You have vitamin water? Something like that?

-ReddRox, green tea? -Something with electrolytes.

I'll check.

Silas--

Do not wake this little fucker up. I just got him down.

They really wanna have sex.

-Both of them? With you? -Yeah, with me. They dig me.

Then what's your faggy ass doing here? Can't get it up?

Oh, it's up. But I'm freaking out. I mean, what do I do?

Do I have sex with both at the same time?

Unless you've grown an extra dick, I don't think that's gonna be possible.

Go figure it out. Use condoms.

They're in the desk drawer.

-lf you don't wanna do it, don't. -I wanna do it.

Then go do it.

Don't bring shame on the family.

Five bucks says he pusses out.

What?

What's wrong?

Migraine, I think.

I took something, but I guess it wore off.

Come sit.

I swear I'm not trying to get out of sex.

No, of course not. No one tries to get out of sex with me.

You've never had this before?

No? Come on, lay down.

All right.

I have more pills in my purse. Could you get them, please?

No. Pills are not gonna help.

This is stress.

You have too much stress now.

-I just need more Excedrin. -No, the headache is merely a symptom.

I know a man...

...with an unconventional medicine.

It will help you.

And I'll take care of you every step of the way.

Do you trust me?

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Good.

Good.

"And you have ruined the best years of your life and mine.

You can't have your family back.

You can't have me back.

But there is still one person you can have back.

Do you know who that person is? That person is--"

How dare any of you judge me?

-Fuck. -You.

You with your low-testosterone, hump-shouldered victim shit.

You are the reason I started drinking in the first place.

And you, you and your sister sucked me dry.

Want, need, demand, a constant drain.

Who could resist a little capsule-shaped escape?

And you, I don't even know why you're here.

You're my bitch. I use you. You're too stupid to realize it.

Hey, I realize it, but I don't care.

-Will she still be fun when she's sober? -This is pointless.

-It's your turn, lsabelle. -Give me the fucking key.

"You put me on liquid diets...

...and snuck laxatives into my chocolate stash.

You made me do Ultra Tae Bo when I was 6.

You told me I would never be loved when I was fat."

What's your point?

"You instilled in me the same things your mother instilled in you...

...deep anger, distrust and self-loathing."

But at least back then, you gave a shit.

Now you're just a zombie.

lf you don't deal with this...

...I will call your mother.

ls it tea?

It's ayahuasca.

Made from plants from the Amazon rain forest.

Kucho will take care of us.

I drink it when I need healing and clarity.

I drink it to learn.

It's magic.

Peyote magic? Like hallucinogenic magic?

No, peyote is a bicycle. Ayahuasca's a rocket ship.

Like 30 years of psychotherapy in one night.

But I only have a headache.

You have a tightly wound knot in your soul.

This will unwind it.

No. No, no.

-What's wrong? What did he say? -No, nothing's wrong.

Everything's okay.

Drink.

Drink.

Go ahead, drink.

You know, you know, you know.

Yeah.

You know, you know, you know.

No more hiding. No more hiding.

No more hiding.

No more hiding.

It's out.

It's out.

Hi, I am so sorry.

After the mediation, Henry and I went out for dinner.

Henry? You went out to eat with your ex-husband?

I'm here babysitting your insomniac son.

Silas, you don't understand.

-Life gets a little more complicated as-- -Did you fuck him?

-Do you want the truth? -Yes, I want the truth.

The truth is in 1 0 years, I'm gonna be almost 50...

...and you won't even be 30.

The truth is that you and I have a lot of fun right now...

...and neither one of us wants that to end...

...right?

Do you want me to go?

You made him rotelli?

Penne.

And no...

...I don't want you to go.

No, I'm good. I got it covered. Go.

-Are you sure? -Yeah, go, go, go. I'm on the job.

Never fear, Doug is here.

I'm gonna go troll the gym for some strange.

-America first. -America first.

The cat's away. Bring me my baby.

-You're as beautiful as I remember. -And you are as tall as I remember.

You are very handsome.

-Andy, what's he doing? -I think he thinks it's part of the protocol.

-Well, tell him to fuck off. -Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Look at you.

Come on. Come on.

You're gonna love this country, the land of freedom and opportunity.

And air conditioning.

Do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

Hey.

How are you feeling?

-No headache. -No pain ever again.

Not if I can help it.

You just relax now, okay?

Soon you can get up and take a nice long bath.

There's plenty of food for us in the kitchen.

Did I make everything better?

Do you think I'm an idiot, Wilson?

Double-crossing, anti-American piece of shit.

-Cornholing your way into our graces. -You got the wrong idea, Schmidt.

-I'm just rounding them up. -Rounding them up with hugs?

Love knows no borders, man.

Come here.

You see this girl here?

This is the love of his life.

She's the woman that he's gonna marry.

-Rushing things a bit, Andy. Be cool. -You break my heart, Wilson.

I let you in, and you shit on my face.

Look, Tex, I bet you would risk life and limb...

...for your steroid-pumped Snow White.

You told him about Hope?

Look, pal, this is my Hope.

This is Desert Eagle. We got mojados in Sector 5.

I repeat, mojados in Sector 5.

You got five minutes before the border patrol gets here, Wilson.

I never wanna see your face again.

-Thank you. Thank you. -Wait.

Give me one...

...just so my day's not a total loss.

Give you one? These are people.

Let's just give him the guy who hugged me. He's annoying.

Let's go. You, come on. Let's go, out.

Now get the fuck out of here.

Let's go, Andy, come on.

Andy?

You wanna take a walk or something?

Come on.

Come on.

Sure, why not?

-I'm a fucking liar. -I was a bad coyote.

-I lie to myself all the time. -I let Doug sacrifice one of my people.

He did it for love but--

I negotiate things that shouldn't be up for debate.

-I make little compromises with myself. -And why don't I have a girlfriend?

lf I tell myself I'm not doing harm when I am, I so am.

I want a girlfriend. l mean, I'm a good guy.

I'm cute.

Am I too old for a girlfriend?

Nance, has my window of opportunity closed?

ls my window shut, Nance?

-How'd you open your window? -Do you see her?

-Who? -There.

Do you see her?

-See who? -There.

There's no one there.

Right.

Of course not.