Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds:

You are so beautiful.

You are like a mermaid.

Maria Mermex.

We could bring her back here if we were coyotes.

Hola, welcome to America. Happy days. Have you seen this girl?

Moses wasn't half the coyote I am.

This is what my people ate as we wandered the desert.

I will lead you now.

You shall be a free people.

- How do you know so much about weed? - It's my business.

I'm fucking a teenage drug dealer?

Soccer shoe. Soccer shoe. Soccer shoe.

- The preggies keep coming. - We call it football.

Goal.

- Whoa. That's your mom. - What? No.

Hi, Mrs. Botwin.

Honey, why are you hiding Sammy Davis' autobiography behind your back?

Who's the king of the school? The most popular, the most athletic?

Hey, I'm Dan.

Don't fuck with me.

- Are you hungry? - I'm starving.

Boss is taking you to lunch.

Yes, you are.

You're bailing on me again.

You should just hang up now so I can order a pizza.

Ahorita, mi amor, I apologize but duty calls.

- What are you, Batman? - Yes.

Cesar is Alfred.

I'll make it up to you, okay? Tomorrow.

Do you like lobster? I have a boat.

This is the third time you've canceled.

Not canceled, postponed.

And you broke a date last Tuesday.

Yeah, well, three beats one.

Some girls might take that the wrong way.

Yeah. But you're not a girl.

You're a woman.

An incredibly sexy woman who tastes like white chocolate...

...when I nibble inside her thigh...

...and run my tongue down her perfectly smooth, slippery...

I'm sorry.

I'm running late. I really have to go.

- You suck. - Tomorrow night.

You'll eat lobster and I will eat you.

Yes, you will.

What's this?

New grow house.

Grow room, actually. You have a date or something?

No. I'm just...

- No. - Smells like you have a date.

When did we decide you were gonna move your plants?

Something kind of fell into my lap.

Does this something have anything to do with your mysterious sleepaways?

You noticed?

I thought you were too busy not going on dates.

- Hey. - Hey, Nance.

- Did you get stood up again? - No, I...

No.

Smells like you got stood up again.

Perfume and frustration.

But, hey, I'm simpatico.

I know why the caged bird sings, Nance. It hurts.

The bird hurts.

I can be back with Cheetos and malt balls if you wanna get high, listen to my tape.

Didn't I tell you to move out?

I'll paint your toenails.

Maybe.

Where exactly is this grow room?

Back of a cheese shop.

Great cover smell.

Hey.

- Cash or credit? - Credit.

All right. That will be...

...a hundred and sixty-four dollars and 17 cents.

You know, we give discounts for cash.

I only have, like, $37 in cash.

Done.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Tell your friends.

Thanks.

System's down.

It's cash only.

In this hour, we're gonna examine a sense of moral justice.

Everybody knows that sometimes you feel something is right...

- Good morning, buddy. - Hey.

Just shaving here.

Taming the whiskers.

Those dirty whiskers.

Go get them, champ.

Public education, cornerstone of democracy.

Oh...

The hat.

Oh, buddy.

Oh, no.

Each plant will yield less.

But because I'm packing so many into such a small space...

...the overall harvest goes way up.

The Mr. Botany thing?

It's hot.

Bigger harvest means bigger bucks.

Which means, I pay you back faster.

Maybe we should get another one of these.

- I got a customer. - I have a boner.

Come on.

You must be Rad's mom.

Yeah. Lisa.

Hi, I'm Nancy. I'm Silas' mom.

Nancy. Hi, Silas.

What are you doing here?

Wanna make sure you're not doing anything stupid.

Like trafficking with the Mexican Mafia?

- Can I go back there? - No.

I would suggest building a fake wall...

...something the health inspector won't mess with.

Also, mature plants tend to smell a lot more than moldy blocks of cow...

- ...so you'll need better... - Ventilation. I know.

And don't let him leave advanced nutrients empties around or in the trash.

It's a big tip-off.

I know what I'm doing.

You don't know what you're doing.

You're growing pot with your...

Your girlfriend in a cheese shop.

I won't let anything happen to him.

Because you know what you're doing?

Because you're a mom and you worry about AMBER Alerts...

...and the lnternet and the Catholic Church?

You're fucking my 17-year-old son.

Mom.

Rad's gonna be 17 sooner than you think.

He's a good-looking boy.

There you go.

Do me up.

- I sold you an eight ball yesterday. - Yes. And thank you very much.

So I need another one.

See?

Cash.

- No more for you. - Excuse me?

- You're not good. - I'm fine.

- You're not fine. - I told you I'm fine.

Not fine.

Give me the fucking blow.

Okay, brace yourself. Deep breath.

Yes I Can? You said I was gonna freak out.

I was thinking gun.

Page 96.

- You don't think he's...? - Oh, yeah, he's...

- Are you sure? - He's absolutely.

I'm 100-percent positive he's...

You gotta talk to him.

Uh-uh. Not this time.

This is way outside my kink zone.

Shane. My baby.

I know.

Silas is fucking Rad's mom.

I know, right?

It's a world gone mad.

- He's gonna notice they're gone. - I can't let him... That's me, he's...

- That's me. - You're right.

Take the pictures. Confront the situation. Deal with it head-on.

- Yep. - Fuck.

Or make peace with it.

Let it slide, you know? Boys will be boys.

You ever do this when you...?

No fucking way. Thank you, God. My mom was not hot.

Flappy upper arms, strange moles.

Why couldn't he have had a gun?

Cocaine.

Coca?

Snorty?

All right, wanna fool around?

Sí. It's Maria.

Please be sure.

I'm very vulnerable right now. Very sensitive.

Yes, I know her well.

God bless you. Can you take us to her?

If I feel like it.

Don't tease me, you crusty whore.

I think she wants you to grease the wheels.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, shot of tequila for the sweet old lady here.

- Now can you take me to her? - No.

Listen, you cock-juggling thundercunt.

- Hey, here we go. - I am not...

Come. That way.

I will take you to her.

That's more like it.

I got butterflies, Andy.

Yeah, just be yourself, Doug.

And try not to call her a thundercunt.

- Grandma's got wheels. - Hey, we don't run.

We're Americans.

Oh, shit.

It is time to pay.

That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy.

The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.

I pictured him taller.

I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls.

I will shoot your belly and feed you to the sewer rats.

Does that mean that I can go?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

- I'm sorry, man. - This is so not cool.

My last meal was a bowl of chili peanuts.

Oh!

El Andy, he's a good man.

He has brought much happiness to our familia and our friends.

He will not die this day.

You will die.

Okay, okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on here, guys.

The way of El Andy...

...is the way of peace.

And creature comforts.

Just walk away, Mr. Coyote, or limp away.

And limp in peace.

We will not harm you.

I just did the whole peace speech.

That was Hector.

He no speak English.

I completely agree. She's bat-shit insane.

- She's got a good heart. - She fucked up and she's fired.

But let's face it.

We all fucked up, okay?

Kung Pao made me piss out of my ass.

Could happen to anyone.

But can we just agree to keep all of our fuck-ups to ourselves?

No Cesar, sí? Okay?

Shit.

Ask him if he'd like to take anything from the store for his troubles.

He says that the store is for ladies who hate men who made them fat.

Doesn't he have a wife or a girlfriend?

Somebody he wants to impregnate?

His sister.

- Is pregnant by her husband. - Oh. Great.

Why don't you take a bag and fill it up with some stuff from the store...

...and we'll forget this ever happened, okay?

You want me to take care of her?

Yeah, go ahead. Maybe I'll wear something fun to her funeral.

Shut up.

I'm taking you home.

Okay.

Come here. Let's clean that pretty face of yours.

It's me.

I can't make it tonight.

This is not a spite cancellation.

I have a very sick child on my hands.

Tomorrow night?

Please?

No, no.

Sweetie?

Sweetie...

...I wanna talk to you about...

I'm just...

I'm just gonna throw this out there.

I think it's a little...

I don't wanna say "weird."

Maybe another word for weird without all the weird connotations of weird...

...like "peculiar," maybe or "eccentric"...

...or how about "quirky"? Okay, it's quirky.

It's a little quirky to masturbate to pictures of your mother.

To have this sexual kind of relationship...

...or connection or hookup with a stand-in for your mother.

You may think it's okay because this woman isn't actually your mother.

Because these photographs don't necessarily look like me...

...since you know me as me now, not me as me then.

And according to Freud, a lot of people wanna have sex with their mother...

...or substitutes for their mother...

...and it's normal in the planning stages but it should stop there.

And I realize there's a lot of hormonal compulsion...

...some of it beyond your control, and it's nothing terrible or unnatural...

...or anything we need to talk about in gory detail.

Because sex...

Sex is good, Freud said, or Annie Sprinkle maybe said.

Sex is great and you should have sex safely with your peers...

...like Megan or Tara or Playboy or Penthouse or Juggs...

...if you're inclined to that body part.

You should go ahead, fantasize about having sex with these people.

But you should avoid the areas...

...which include having sex with your mother...

...or a substitute for your mother.

I mean, things, you know, happen. It's understandable.

She's blond. She's got a cheese store.

You hide them in a Sammy Davis, Jr. biography.

Who's gonna look there?

It happens but it shouldn't happen anymore.

And we can swear, and I do swear...

...to never, ever, ever speak of this again.

Well, then...

Okay, then.

We'll just...

So tell me about this boat.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, no.

Some other time, then. Okay.

Bye.

Mom?

Mom, are you shooting heroin?

It's Restylane.

It's for my lips.

That needle was sticking out of your forehead.

Yeah, it works there too.

Not really.

Yeah.

You need help.

Okay, I'll hold out my lip and you put it in.

I'm calling Dad.

I'm fine.

Here comes psycho.

There he is.

I hear he killed his dad.

I think he's Mexican.

Tolan said he made a necklace out of Dan's teeth.

My brother saw him in gym class.

Huge dick.

- You see his limo and bodyguard? - Mucho fucked up.

- His eyes too. - Yeah.

Look away.

Hey there.

Do you party?

Yeah, I party.

I mean, you saw her the other day and now she's pretty much losing her shit.

Oh, well, this can't be easy for her.

You have no idea who you're talking about.

You know what, it doesn't matter. Clock strikes 18 and I'm done with all of it.

Here you go. Greatest American hero.

Patch here works at the airport.

Big smokers in baggage. Could be some nice business.

Bulk discounts and we cater.

Oh, right on.

I want you to know, I bought a vaporizer for this shit.

Oh, I'm honored.

Well, you inspire me.

Truly. I might write a poem.

Yeah. Later.

Bon appétit.

This is totally gonna work.

Sandwiches.

We should move in together.

Before I say anything, I just wanna say, this is completely unexpected.

Coyote-ing has been a passion project of mine for a few weeks now.

But I didn't do it alone.

It takes a village...

...to smuggle a human.

And when I see myself up on the wall...

...I smell the breath of every sun-stained face I've liberated.

I... it's...

I'm at a loss.

Dos Gatos for everyone.

And dos Dos Gatos for my friend, Doug.

- Thank you. - El Andy.

What is wrong with your tall friend?

A cloud of sadness hangs over him.

The man is in love with a beautiful notion.

Must be nice being El Andy.

Things are awesome for El Andy.

Sucks being El Doug.

Hey, come on, compadre.

We're in Mexico chasing a dream.

When's the last time you chased a dream?

I'm a sidekick, Andy.

I'm a sad and lonely sidekick.

I'm Andrew Ridgeley.

What? He's the other guy in Wham!

The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms.

He had a solo album.

- I never bought it but... - I bought it, Andy. it sucked.

El Andy...

...this is the woman your depressed amigo searches for?

People don't talk to sidekicks. Like I'm not here.

That's the one, Raul.

We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

- Thank you. - You're welcome, El Andy.

Did you forget your pruning shears?

Lisa and I have...

...decided to slow things down...

...and nurture ourselves more.

Replenish our reserves of oxytocin.

You got anything that needs to be washed?

No.

Well...

...feel free to raid the fridge, take the car...

...play your music too loud.

Thanks, Mom.

You okay?