Original subtitles

"Your melody is my rhythm."

"You're the cure to my yearning."

"You are selfless. I am selfish."

"Your song... My words."

"You're the prayer, I, the obligation."

"You are free. I am grateful."

"Your beauty I praise."

"You're the peace to my restlessness."

"You're the answer to my every desire."

"You are the realisation of my dream."

"You are my destiny."

"You are the one I love."

"You are the one who brought me out of darkness."

"You are the one who gave meaning to my life."

"Your melody is my rhythm."

"You're the cure to my yearning."

"You are selfless. I am selfish."

"Your song... My words."

"You're the prayer, I, the obligation."

"You are free. I am grateful."

"Your beauty I praise."

"You're the peace to my restlessness."

"You're the answer to my every desire."

"You are the realisation of my dream."

"You are my destiny."

"You are the one I love."

"You are the one who brought me out of darkness."

"You are the one who gave meaning to my life."

"You are my faith and hope."

"You are like a breath of fresh air."

"You're my companion."

"Your journey... My destination."

"You are my faith and hope."

"You are like a breath of fresh air."

"You're my companion."

"Your journey... My destination."

"You are the one who brought me out of darkness."

"You are the one who gave meaning to my life."

"You are the one who brought me out of darkness."

"You are the one who gave meaning to my life."

Sheela?

What is that?

That's yours.

Mine?

[Akshay] 'A good poster, right? The film will release next month.'

'For now, let's focus on 'Shaukeen'.'

'Delhi, a fun-loving city.'

'Frankly speaking, this city has more twists and turns than my films.'

'You'll find romance, but at someone's tomb.'

'Drama, at temples.'

'Comedy, at some memorial service.'

'And fights are common on streets.'

'And what makes this city so fun-loving are the men.'

'Take them for instance.'

'Lali, KD and Pinky.'

'They've all turned 60, but their nature hasn't changed.'

'The sight of a girl leaves them drooling.'

'The reason for this'

'is their loneliness.'

'Lali.'

'There's a serious dearth of hair and fun in his life.'

'Technically speaking, he has a big family.'

'A shoe-store at Connaught Place.'

'And enjoys a good reputation in the society.'

"When there is love in the world..."

'But he's still lonely at heart.'

'You'll ask why.'

'His wife has turned religious'

'and distanced herself from married life.'

'Due to which Lali has been showing a strong interest in fashion.'

[Prayer bell rings]

'Lali's younger sister, Chanchal.'

'Poor girl got divorced a week after her marriage.'

[Sniffs]

'And son...'

'He's a real piece of work.'

'He gets pictures taken for posters for his father's shop...'

Mom, my milk.

'He thinks he's a model.'

'Anyway, Lali is not interested in his son.'

'But he's very interested in women.'

'Fed up of the austerity in his house,'

'Lali's found some relief at his store.'

'Frontier Boot House for Men is now Ladies Shoe Boutique.'

'And finally Lali's life has become a bit colourful.'

"There is no relief from this pain."

"Are you a lover or a butcher?"

'His friend Pinky is also dealing with an utterly boring life.'

'Harishankar Goyal.'

'His life is more like an unfulfilled dream.'

'He had to take care of his father's business at a young age'

'and couldn't complete his education.'

'As soon as he was old enough his father got him married.'

'So no girlfriends.'

'He had kids right after marriage.'

'So no fun with the missus.'

'When his sons grew up,'

'he thought he would go globetrotting with his wife.'

'But his wife left for her heavenly abode.'

'By the way, Mr Goyal is the richest amongst his three friends.'

'He's the king of Spices at Chandni Chowk.'

'Two sons and their wives.'

'In fact, he's even a grandpa now.'

'But he's unhappy.'

'So he's got a grumpy nature.'

'But recently he's seen a ray of hope.'

Excuse me!

"When there is love in the world,"

"I wonder why this heart asks for more!"

[Horn blares]

'An angel has descended opposite him.'

'Angie!'

'I guess Pinky's in love with this masseuse.'

'But there's one problem.'

'English.'

'Frankly, Pinky loves girls that speak English.'

'And Angie speaks only English.'

'But he doesn't know English.'

'So how can they talk?'

'I guess this love-story will always be incomplete.'

'I feel sad.'

'But not for the next one.'

'Kamal Dheer Sharma, aka KD.'

'He's the real image of Delhi's passion.'

'He's rich, stylish, overly-connected'

'and a big spendthrift.'

'And why not? He's a bachelor after all.'

'He's 60, but has an attitude as if he's not a day over 30.'

'It's still really easy for him to befriend ladies.'

'Pinky considers him as his love and sex guru.'

'But the truth is that sex is miles away from his life.'

'Still, he runs an NGO for widows.'

'He's like an angel for these helpless women.'

'But for KD, this is an opportunity to prepare for the real thing.'

'KD tries these tricks outside too.'

'Because here, he can only be a saviour, not a lover.'

'We've heard that in his younger days, KD was in love with someone.'

"There are many more options in life."

"Why get stuck at one place?"

'She got married and KD decided never to get married.'

'This is just a rumour.'

'I can't guarantee if this story's true.'

'You must be wondering why Akshay Kumar,'

'that's me is so interested in three old perverts of Delhi?'

'Take a look for yourself.'

What's wrong, uncle?

She's not your daughter, is she?

Forget it.

No, darling. You don't know these old men.

They come here to get in the mood.

Stop talking rubbish.

You have been having fun behind the bush,

and then you blame me of being ill-mannered.

Do you see that?

Such shameless kids.

Stop all this. Or I'll have you thrown out of the park.

Hey old man...

Who are you calling old man?

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Stay in your limit!

Gentlemen, please don't fight.

They are sorry. You can continue.

You can please carry on. They are sorry.

Okay, let's go.

He was misbehaving.

Why did you have to apologise? - Yes.

We weren't the ones behind the bushes.

Right.

I would've ruined that boy's career even before it took off.

Do you know who I am?

I don't know about you. But I know who I am.

How embarrassing was that cheap behaviour of yours.

What cheap, embarrassing behaviour?

What did we do? - Not us, you.

Why did you have to look at them?

If that boy hadn't interfered, he would be sitting on her lap.

Don't be so ridiculous, Lali.

I am ridiculous.

I am the Secretary of the Shopkeeper's Committee of our area.

We can't act so shamelessly in the open.

Try to be discreet.

Mr Lalwani, how are you?

Hello, Mr Sehgal. It's been a long time since you've been to my shop.

I definitely will, sir. When is the committee meeting?

Next Friday... Friday the 13th.

[Laughs]

Give my regards to Mrs Sehgal. - Okay.

Okay, see you.

See.

People respect me a lot. Not like you two.

Lali, you're overdoing it now.

Look, Pinky.

Abuses and name-calling may be common in Chandni Chowk.

But not here.

This is an educated society. Get that?

Why do you stress so much on education for everything?

I've got an Audi.

So what? - Enough, stop this. Stop fighting amongst yourselves.

Don't waste a Sunday.

So what's the plan?

Tell us.

The plan's right ahead. Come on.

On the right. On the right.

I can see.

1... 2... 3... and bend!

2... 3... 1 and up!

Wow! What a sight?

I can say she's married.

I don't think so.

200%. But you know...

...married girls don't satisfy me anymore.

Look at you left, foreigners.

[Chuckles]

Ogling secretly is no fun.

What are you doing? Put on your sunglasses,

or else people will know what we're staring at.

How long will we just watch?

Take my advice, let's get some action tonight.

Action. What?

There he goes again.

Let him speak, Lali.

What do you mean action?

Escort service. Girls will come home.

No, it's not safe.

It's absolutely safe, Lali.

This is Delhi. You can get everything with just a call.

Lali, you backed out the last time as well.

Let's try it once. We might get lucky.

Only boys do such things. We're respectable people.

What if someone spots us at the hotel?

And these days they make MMS clips.

Who's talking about a hotel?

My idea, my risk!

The action will take place at my farmhouse.

Where the hell are they?

Did you give them the right address?

Definitely!

I don't have a good feeling about this.

Let's cancel this.

No. - [Horn blares]

Here come the girls.

My babies.

[Laughs]

Come on.

Come on.

They are old.

You said it's a bachelor's party.

Not a bachelor's party,

I said the party is bachelor.

Look.

What if they get heart attacks?

Kid, it's short-term work.

Do it, please.

Dude, they're really old.

Who are you calling old?

Come on, turn the car around.

Come on. - Who are you calling old?

Stop the car. Hey...

Who are you calling old?

You two-bit girl.

You call us strong men, old.

KD.

Vicky.

KD.

The DCP of Janakpuri is my buddy.

I'll shut down your joints.

Calling me old.

I won't spare that pimp.

He doesn't know who I am.

Cool down.

A cassata for him.

KD, your planning is never any good.

You weren't in the mood at first.

Then you were.

Then you lost it.

As the girls left, so did my mood.

This is the worst Sunday of my life.

We did not do anything and they called us old.

Pinky...

Forget it.

Sunday isn't over yet.

It is.

Look around.

Take a look.

That girl gestured towards me and turned towards that tree.

We just failed badly a minute ago.

Your name should be KPD, not KD.

Lali, by God, I am not lying.

What do you want to do?

Come on. - No!

Come on.

For the sake of our friendship, let's go.

We'll have to talk to her first.

I am an expert in talking to girls.

Have trust.

Come on.

But what will you say?

[Girl laughing]

Hello.

How are you?

There are three of us.

And we even have a car.

We live close-by. What about you?

Darling.

Yes.

I'll just call you back.

Three old men are harassing me.

I'll deal with them first.

What were you saying? - This is a misunderstanding.

Police!

We were just leaving. - Police!

Where are you going?

Let go...

Dear! Dear! Please forgive us!

Dear?

I'll thrash you with my shoe! - Calm down!

Don't touch me. - Calm down!

Calm down, for God's sake. We can pay you.

[Police siren wails] - Pay me? For what?

Who do you think I am?

It was a mistake.

Police!

What's wrong, ma'am?

Why are you hugging this old man?

Inspector, these three old men were harassing me.

No.

And this one...

He was saying obscene things.

Inspector, take them to the police station.

Make them lie down on ice slabs and beat them.

He's like your father, dear. You shouldn't say such things.

Again... - Hold on.

Don't you own a shoe-store at CP?

Shoe-store. - Yes.

Beat him with his own shoes.

Ma'am, calm down.

Leave.

Listen up, everyone will have to come to the police station. - No.

Hari Singh, get these old men in the van.

Ma'am, you may leave.

Come on.

Inspector, there was a bit of misunderstanding.

I only asked her whether we can drop her home.

She was all alone. It's late.

He's absolutely right.

We're respectable people.

You know me.

It was all a mistake, forgive us.

Mistake? Forgive you?

What pill did you all take to make you act like this at this age?

You're right.

We'll stay in control.

Lali. Pinky. - Yes. - Yes.

We have to work on this. - Yes.

You must be just a few years older than my father.

These things don't suit you.

Point noted, son. Bless you.

How much do you have?

Check.

Must be around 10...

Is that all?

Do you take credit cards?

Are you crazy?

Come on, get lost.

And listen, I have free advice for you.

If you're all feeling so erotic then, there's nothing you can do here.

Go to some foreign country.

These things are legal out there.

Do you know any place where it's all legal?

Bangkok.

You can find 50 girls at every 500 meters.

All like those.

Are you sure?

200%.

[Sighs]

Delhi's no longer safe for us.

Take my advice, let's get out of here.

To the capital of debauchery. Bangkok.

Bunty. Ritu.

Bring my food. Quickly.

Right away, father. Come on fast.

Lucky, get my pyjama.

Blue or white.

Bring the blue one.

But the blue one's wet.

Get the blue one.

Heat the lentils a little more.

Or he'll get furious.

And I have to talk to him about Mauritius.

It's wet.

Father, I told you the blue one's wet.

Get the white one.

Yes.

Where's my food?

Father.

You know Bhanu our distributer in Mauritius.

He's invited us to Mauritius.

He'll pay all the expenses.

If we could go to Mauritius for a week...

Go ahead.

And anyway, I am going on a holiday with KD and Lali. To Bangkok.

Bangkok?

Bangkok?

Father, Bangkok?

What happened?

Father's going to Bangkok.

What?

Bangkok, at this age?

What's wrong with it?

There's a Buddhist Temple.

Dense forests.

Also one-tusk elephants.

But, father, you can see those in Ram Nagar and Corbett too.

And Ranchi's full of Buddhist temples.

But why Bangkok?

And father, everyone will laugh at us.

Everyone knows what goes on at Bangkok.

But we didn't know.

Now that I do, I won't go.

Okay.

It needs more salt!

Brother, how's KD?

KD?

He's still the same. Jolly.

He hasn't come home for a long time.

Has he gone somewhere?

He's still in the city.

But he'll be going somewhere next week.

Where?

On a holiday, with Pinky and me.

Bangkok.

[Gasps]

What?

You three are going to Bangkok.

[Crying]

Who's going to Bangkok?

Your father. O Lord! O Lord! O Lord!

Listen...

Dad, you?

Why? What is there?

It's a heaven for those who are starving.

Starving?

Starving for what?

You got to be kidding me.

Dad, what will we say if anyone asks where you are?

Bangkok?

You don't need to lie. What's so special about it?

We're going to see the one-tusk elephant and Buddhist temples.

Is there anything else?

A trip to Bangkok means characterless certificate.

Correct.

O Lord! O Lord! O Lord!

What are you doing?

Brother, if you're going to Bangkok, take sister-in-law along.

Dad, I'll leave this house.

Why does a 60 year old man need to go to Bangkok?

I've never been there, how can you?

I won't go. Stop that.

O Lord! O Lord! [Crying]

I was going with my friends because the tickets were cheap.

I won't go.

Happy?

Disgusting.

Embarrassing. Disappointing.

What's wrong?

What is he saying?

He's getting furious in English.

Obnoxious.

You're a bachelor.

We have families.

We need to consider a few things.

Why did you get married, and have kids?

It's futile to make any plans with you two.

Your spices have made our life hell.

[TV news] 'Bollywood heart-throb Akshay Kumar was shooting at Film City'

'when a big horde of girls charged at him.'

'Akshay was there for a shoot.'

'But the situation got out of hand and he had to leave halfway through the shoot.'

'During this time, Akshay's foot was caught in the door of his car.'

[Screaming in pain] - 'After which he hit his bodyguard.'

The film stars are the ones who really live it up.

We're nothing compared to them.

'Akshay's next film's shooting location will be Mauritius'

'where he'll spend a long time.'

Mauritius sounds nice, doesn't it?

Everyone wants to go there.

Girls!

How did you know?

It's the same thing everywhere.

Bangkok, Mauritius, Kuala Lumpur...

It's just that very few people know about Mauritius.

Then I'll have to tell Bunty.

He's going there with daughter-in-law. For a week.

Mauritius.

Hold on. Bunty.

Yes. - Your Bunty?

Yes. You see, we export raw spices to Mauritius.

And our distributer has sent two invitations.

I mean, for Bunty and his wife.

He can even send three.

[Chuckles]

Touch!

Touch!

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Bunty.

Lucky.

Dad, dinner is served.

Dad, white or blue?

Leave that, sit.

Sit here.

[Clears throat]

Bunty, tell Bhanu in Mauritius

to send three invites, instead of two.

No, dad. Sonu's still too young.

And there's no point in taking him along.

He'll spend the week with his uncle and aunt.

I wasn't talking about Sonu.

KD, me and Lali are going to Mauritius not Ritu and you.

And us?

You can go to Ram Nagar and Jim Corbett National Park.

And you can even visit Ranchi on your way back.

It's filled with Buddhist temples.

What?

Yes.

Go and tell Ritu.

Yes. - Okay.

Dad, blue or white?

You pack the bag.

Yes. - Go.

"Romantic at heart."

"Romantic at heart."

"Romantic at heart.

They're serious, they ain't joking."

"Need more action, less talking."

"No nonsense, no. Go keen when they see..."

"Tough... Romantic at heart."

"Tough... Romantic at heart."

"Tough... Romantic at heart."

"Tough... Come on now."

How do I take this pill?

You take it with holy water.

What?

"I failed university"

"cause I was busy being romantic."

"I failed university"

"cause I was busy being romantic."

"My pyjama string is loose, everyone knows that."

"But I am still busy being romantic."

"Now on seeing a beauty, I pull the cheeks."

"I'll throw the net and catch the fish."

"Now I see the girl and understand."

"Whether she will give love or not at midnight."

"Romantic at heart."

"We're still romantics at heart."

"Romantic at heart."

"We're still romantics at heart."

"Romantic at heart."

"We're still romantics at heart."

"Romantic at heart."

"We're still romantics at heart."

[Music]

Why are you changing in the car?

I should have never come with him.

Where will we stay in Mauritius?

At a girl's house.

Girl?

He's talking nonsense again.

[Laughs] No nonsense.

I made reservations over the internet.

I've rented a girl's house.

You don't believe me.

Look.

Look here.

But will the girl stay with us?

No, she won't.

Then?

Just like we're out on a holiday,

so is that girl.

But the house will be all ours.

What's the point then?

If the girl isn't there.

Whether the girl's there or not, her scent will linger.

What good's that?

Are you done already?

"When the bangles jingle,"

"and the anklets tinkle..."

"When the bangles jingle..."

Seems like we're in Karol Baug.

They're all Indians.

Years ago, they all migrated here from Bihar and settled down here.

They are all Indians.

But there will be girls, right?

Definitely.

Come on. Hurry up. - Come on. Hurry up.

Our bags are here.

You're too slow.

[Laughs]

Excuse me. - [Laughs]

Welcome! Welcome! Uncle Goyal. Give me the garland.

Welcome!

Welcome, uncle Goyal.

Greetings!

Who are you?

I am Bhanu.

Bunty called up and informed me that you're coming.

We've been making a living by selling your spices.

How was your journey?

What's this?

That Bunty's sent spies after us.

We are here to welcome you. - No more fun.

Okay.

Look, Pinky.

If you'd like to stay with them, you can. It's okay.

We'll take your leave.

You'll feel comfortable with them.

Please take care of him.

Sure. Let's go, uncle. - No. No...

He's our distributor, he's honouring all of us.

You can go ahead, we'll meet after a few days.

No.

This is not done.

Then what?

Look, Bhanu. - Yes.

Text me your number.

We'll definitely meet before we leave.

Uncle, I thought we'd have lunch together

and show you the temples around.

Next week, our company's sponsoring an event of the Indian Community.

Quiet!

Quiet!

Look, Bhanu. Don't be stubborn.

We don't want to go anywhere.

And remember, if you tell Bunty about this,

I'll give the distribution to someone else.

Get that? Did you? - Yes. Yes.

"Romantic at heart!" - Let's go.

Call a taxi!

"Romantic at heart!"

"Romantic at heart!"

"Romantic at heart!"

"They're serious, they ain't joking."

"Need more action, less talking."

"No nonsense, no. Go keen when they see..."

"Tough... Romantic at heart!"

"Tough... Romantic at heart!"

"Tough... Romantic at heart!"

"Tough... Come on now!"

Wow! - Oh!

What a beautiful place!

So artistically done.

Thank you.

Nice fragrance too.

Lali, there's a feminine scent.

Boss...

Look here.

That's the girl.

Definitely.

What we're doing here...

We haven't done anything, don't make me feel guilty already.

You'll get a chance to have some action.

This evening.

What's in the evening?

Look, you two have never been to a strip club.

I have been to one. In Moscow.

I'll take you two to a strip club here.

Until then preserve your vigour.

[Laughs]

Is this the place?

It's written right there, Banana Club.

Why is it so quiet?

Pinky, such clubs are sound-proof.

To contain their wildness.

Let's be a part of this wildness. - Yes.

Hello.

[Laughs]

Normally how much for three?

1000 each.

Any discount?

Are you Indian?

You know Hindi!

Yes, we're from India.

Give us a discount, this is our first time.

500 each.

[Laughs]

Did you see how I bargained?

Why is it so quiet?

I am not getting positive vibes from this place, KD.

It's the best club of Mauritius.

The girls will come out any minute.

Babies!

Where?

Come, let's settle down.

Come on.

Here.

Come on.

Presenting to you, from Shaukeen company

a Bhojpuri song, in Bollywood style.

Please enjoy.

"Youth is on the dance floor."

"Youth is on the dance floor."

"Sexy female-snakes are coiled around the rod."

"Shaking every part of their body."

"Wearing bikini tops."

"This youth is lolly-pop."

If she takes her clothes off...

...I'll lose interest in women.

Let's go.

No.

She's dancing for us. It'll upset her.

"It's a Bhojpuri remix."

"It's a Bhojpuri remix."

"It's a Bhojpuri remix."

What happened? Did you get tired?

I think I fell.

[Laughs]

Don't worry, I'll get up. [Laughs]

Lali, walk slowly.

The flight to India leaves at 12.

If we're fortunate, we'll even get tickets.

India? Have you lost your mind?

I am crazy!

Do you see where we are?

This is your strip club!

In there it seemed like an elephant was dancing in a sugarcane field.

She bent the iron bar.

No, Lali. She wasn't that bad.

You pervert, I know how desperate you are.

Even English-speaking dogs can excite you.

You're wrong.

Wrong? - You're wrong.

Wrong?

Hold on. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Don't judge the book by its cover.

It's a new place, and our first night.

Let's explore it a bit.

Lali, give it a chance.

"The night is still young."

Does anyone have a torch?

O Love God, please fulfil our wish.

Hail the God of Love.

Hail the God of Love.

Hail the God of Love.

Hail the God of Love.

[Rap lines]

[Phone chimes]

Lali.

Who is it?

Look.

Pinky.

[Camera clicks]

What's going on?

He was clicking your pictures!

Really? Why?

Forgive me, dear. We're your father's age.

He means he was checking if you're the same girl who owns this house.

Yeah, I am. Ahana.

I am Lali.

Lali.

Hi, I am KD.

Hi.

These are my friends.

Introduce me.

Okay. This is Pinky.

Hey, Pinky.

Our third buddy. He's a bit weak in English.

You didn't have to say that.

That's okay, I know Hindi.

No, you should speak in English.

One minute.

Indian?

Yes.

Yes, she is.

Guys, I am really sorry I came back.

Actually, I was going on a road-trip with a friend.

But last minute something happened and I had to cancel my trip.

I know you've paid for your entire stay.

Technically, you own this place. - No.

Actually, I don't want to disturb you.

I can... I can sleep anywhere.

I can go to my friend's house.

No, no...

No need to go to your friend's house.

Lali, can I just explain to her?

Okay.

We have no problem with you staying here.

In fact, we're very happy. - [Laughs]

Oh gosh, guys, thank you.

No. You don't need to thank us. We should be thanking you.

You see, you gave us some...

What's it called?

Enjoyment.

Hold on. - [Laughs]

We got some refreshment.

I am sorry. We felt refreshed.

[Laughs]

Ahana is a very sweet name.

Tell us something about yourself.

Well, I am glad you asked.

I am

an earth child.

What is she saying?

She's down-to-earth.

With gypsy blood.

But I am actually a fashion designer by profession.

Fashion designer?

Then we'll get along really well.

Because actually, I am a shoe-designer by profession.

What's your shoe size?

No.

Let me guess.

It's 7.

How did you...

God, you're good. - [Laughs]

You are...

Yeah, right. Rich people.

Designer boots, branded ones.

I run a simple NGO.

Social service. For women.

A philanthropist.

After I retire, that's what I am going to do.

Wow!

I have a business of spices.

It's famous all over the world.

And I also own an Audi.

When I look at you, I get the vibes of a cook.

[Laughs] - Right?

By the way...

Lali's married.

My wife's gone to Himalayas.

Beautiful.

He has a son, and he's of marriageable age. - Yes.

That's not true. - [Laughs]

That's so sweet.

Anyway, do you guys want to see some of my creations?

Sure! - Sure!

This is my workshop. How is it?

Well, it's a little...

All this stuff is recycled.

[Clears throat]

Unique, just like you.

Thanks. I'll show you some of my designs.

Look at this.

Men's jacket, made from a dead monkey.

I am the first one to do it.

And... Excuse me. Look at this.

Hat made from used toothpicks. Would you like to try it on?

It's nice. It's very nice. Thank you very much.

Thanks.

It's beautiful.

And my favourite.

Right here.

Frog eye necklace.

Made from frog's eye.

You're a very unusual designer.

Please keep quiet.

What he's trying to say is that it's a very unconventional design.

So people buy your obnoxious...

I mean unique designs, right?

Actually, I am way ahead of my time.

Most people think it's very cruel.

No, no, no. It is a great artwork.

Brilliant.

Back home in India, priceless.

Any art lover would buy it at any price.

I see. Why don't you buy it then?

Pinky's absolutely right.

KD, you buy them for your Widow Home.

So that its lonely walls can come alive again. Buy something.

Okay.

Dear, pack everything.

Oh my God. Are you serious KD?

Thank you.

This is my very first sale.

Thank you.

I need to upload this on FB.

But on one condition.

You have to...

Show me around Mauritius.

Dude, I would love to.

How much for this?

How much for this?

[Music]

"My mood changed as I smoked grass."

"Grass is the solution to everything."

"Let me enjoy the intoxication."

"Hey DJ play the dub-step trance."

[Music]

"How do I tell you what I feel?"

"Everything seems upside down."

"Take a puff... it's Manali's stuff."

"Take a puff... it's Manali's stuff."

"Ahh puff... stuff."

"Ahh puff... stuff."

"Ahh puff... stuff."

"Come on now. Come on now."

[Music]

"Sweetheart, puff away the stuff with me."

"I'll hold you in my arms, and you puff the smoke again."

"It'll climber through your breath, puff it again."

"Enjoy the stuff and puff the joint away."

"Your body's beautiful, don't try too hard."

"Beloved, with me you're the kite and I'm the string."

"Puff the stuff again."

"When you puff the stuff again... you'll forget all pain."

"Puff the stuff again."

"When you puff the stuff again... you'll forget all pain."

"Puff the stuff again."

"When you puff the stuff again... you'll forget all pain."

"Ahh puff... stuff."

"Ahh puff... stuff."

"Puff the stuff again."

"When you puff the stuff again... you'll forget all pain."

[Music]

KD.

I have a severe headache.

Don't know why.

Definitely it's the Shilajeet.

Why will the Shilajeet give me a headache?

Pinky's ignorant.

But what made you take this cheap stuff?

I was just trying it.

But where is he?

No.

[Crying] - Pinky.

Rascal. - No, no.

You pervert.

Lali, you misunderstand me.

Ahana, I'll save you from this savage.

You rascal.

People like you humiliate India.

No...

Leave me, it's not him. [Crying]

Then who?

It's him.

You did it.

Him, you idiot. Him. It's him. [Crying]

Thank God.

We misunderstood.

Sorry, Pinky.

Sorry.

You are in a towel, and...

When I have promised...

There would be a problem because of you.

You suspected me! - Stop it!

All of you, out! You guys are pigs.

All men are pigs.

Get out! All of you!

Ahana.

We're...

Move!

We're really very sorry.

It was just a misunderstanding.

I broke up with Kunal, my boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend!

She had one. They broke up.

I had planned this road trip with him.

And stitched a special outfit for him.

But he made fun of my creation.

He said it was stupid and obnoxious.

Yesterday, I invited my so-called friends,

so that they'd make me feel better.

They came to my party. Drank my alcohol.

And now they're liking my ex-boyfriend's pictures on FB.

I have just 11 likes for my status and he has 43.

So humiliating!

Baby, let me give you a hug. You need the warmth.

I don't know why I am discussing my personal life with all of you.

We hardly know each other.

Don't say that.

We don't just share a physical relation.

But we also have an emotional relationship.

Feel it.

He's getting too close.

Take your hands off.

Ahana, come here.

If you keep crying like this, you'll wet your dress.

Let her cry.

It'll help her feel better.

You know what?

You're right, Lali. I won't cry.

In fact, I'll decide something today.

I will never again date anyone of my age.

There's no maturity.

My next boyfriend will be at least 10 years older than me.

I think 25 will be better.

Think big.

But we fall in that category. Right?

Why not? I can take any one of you.

What's she saying?

The line's clear, boy.

I did everything in our 2 year relationship.

Kunal never even asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

Ahana. Would you like a glass of water?

Lali, you're a sweetheart.

Water's one thing... Move.

What? - Come on, move.

This closeness is one thing.

Definitely it will work.

You know, Lali, he used to make me clean this house.

What are you doing?

We're living here.

[Chuckles]

You guys are so sweet.

You know what, I feel so much better now.

I need some fresh air.

Let's hit the beach.

I'll get my bikini.

Bikini?

You mean... two piece?

You don't expect me to go naked.

[Laughs]

Stupid. Idiot.

Don't just stand there, get ready.

Should I take the Shilajeet?

"Romantic at heart!"

"Romantic at heart!"

"Romantic at heart!" - Hello.

What's that?

Underwear.

Do you expect me to wear pyjamas to the beach?

Didn't you bring swimming trunks?

No, those nylon trunks make me itchy.

I'll disown him in public.

Hey...

You knew we were going to Mauritius.

It's filled with beaches,

so why didn't you bring swimming trunks?

Should I wear my pyjamas?

We'll have to leave him here.

No.

He's right. You stay here.

No.

I want to see Ahana in a bikini.

I beg you, please.

Don't be stubborn like a kid.

We'll take a photo and show you.

A photo is no good. - [Vase shatters]

Ahana, what is this? What happened?

What are you wearing?

Where's your bikini?

It's exactly what I feared.

Kunal is dating Tara Shah.

It's on their FB, their relationship.

And both were partying at the Buddha bar last night.

50 people like this status.

And 40 of them are my friends.

I want to kill myself.

Please don't.

Hold on.

Come on, let's go to the beach and talk, dear.

Mister...

I mean Ahana.

The cool breeze will calm your mind and body.

I don't want to go anywhere.

I am in a very bad mood.

[Phone chimes]

Oh my God.

Another 20 likes.

Where are you going?

To kill myself and don't follow me.

Wear your bikini.

"In the lonely days,"

"in the lonely nights, I miss you."

"Lonely."

"I am lonely."

"My heart is burning for you."

"Day-night, I am crying for you."

"Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me?"

"In the lonely days,"

"in the lonely nights, I miss you."

[Music]

"I have nobody."

"I am so lonely."

"Your memories haunt me all the time."

"In the lonely days,"

"in the lonely nights, I miss you."

"In the lonely days,"

"in the lonely nights, I miss you."

"I miss you."

"I am lonely."

"I miss you."

"I am lonely."

"I miss you.

I am lonely."

"I miss you.

I am lonely."

"I miss you. I am lonely." - I will kill myself.

One,

two,

three...

Jump!

'Love Is A Dog'. Shot 66. Take 6.

[Akshay] 'That's me.'

'Coming up next is a close-up of me.'

'Just watch'

'how my appearance changes this story completely.'

Akshay!

"He was young when I brought him home."

"Fed him milk myself."

"He was a sweet, cute little pup." - Akshay!

"I made him a bulldog."

"Then he showed his real colours."

"One day, his collar was loose." - Akshay!

"He ran after me."

"He bit me so hard on my back."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

Akshay! - "Love is a dog."

[Music]

Akshay!

"A beautiful girl taught me a lesson."

"But that beauty was nothing but a liar."

"A beautiful girl taught me a lesson."

"But that beauty"

"was nothing but a liar."

"She had bowled me over by writing a love letter with her blood." - Akshay!

"I would live and die for love."

"I considered love my God."

"I wonder how many have fallen prey to it."

"Every lover has suffered."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

[Music]

"She built her dreams on the tomb of my desires."

"She fooled me and dumped me."

"She built her dreams on the tomb of my desires."

"She fooled me and dumped me."

"I would save every penny to pay for her leisure."

"I would take her to multiplexes for films."

"You'll suffer the same fate."

"You'll sing this song one day too."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

"Love is a dog."

[Music]

[Akshay] 'Right, love is dog'

'and men are romantic at heart.'

'If you desires have awakened too then fulfil them.'

'I'll be back in 10 minutes.'

Excuse me, have you seen her?

No.

"In the lonely days,"

"in the lonely nights, I miss you."

Have you seen this girl?

No. - "Lonely!" - Have you?

No. - "I am lonely. Lonely." - No.

"In the lonely days,"

"In the lonely nights, I miss you."

"In the lonely days,"

"In the lonely nights, I miss you."

[Music]

"I miss you."

"I am lonely."

"I miss you. I am lonely."

"I miss you. I am lonely."

"I miss you. I am lonely."

I wonder where she is.

Did she actually commit suicide?

Don't say that?

You two hugged her, I didn't even touch her.

I mean we didn't get to know each other.

If anything happens to her, we'll be in a mess.

Everyone knows we stay with her.

[Police siren wails]

Come on. Let's pack.

We'll leave for India.

I'll book the tickets.

[Music playing]

Ahana.

Baby.

Andi, I have to meet Akshay Kumar.

I don't care what you do!

You have such a big event management company.

I am sure you can work something out.

Okay. Thanks. I'll call you later.

Bye.

Ahana.

Oh my, God. You guys will not believe what just happened.

We were really scared.

Thank God, my baby.

I am so happy. - Let her go.

But what happened, Ahana?

It was like a dream come true, Lali.

I saw Akshay in person.

He's in Mauritius.

We heard that too.

And you didn't tell me.

We didn't know you're such a big fan.

Fan? Dude.

He's half my life.

Look.

Some like collecting stamps

and some like collecting coins.

Mine is Akshay Kumar.

Akshay Kumar's photo.

He's the one who inspired me to become a designer.

Engagement photo?

I love him.

I even went to Mumbai to meet him.

But nothing happened.

It's very difficult to meet him.

Are you so desperate for Akshay Kumar?

[Sighs]

Desperate?

Dude. If someone introduces me to Akshay,

I will do anything for him. I mean...

Who do I have to please to meet Akshay?

I am so excited.

'Who do I have to please to meet Akshay?'

She can do anything to meet Akshay.

I guess she didn't mean it.

No. She meant it.

She'll do what she said.

Definitely.

Really?

Indian?

Move aside.

Hello, Indian.

Move aside. - [Groans]

Indian?

Yes.

Want to meet Akshay Kumar?

No. Not me.

But my friend does.

Good morning, Ahana.

What's so good about this morning?

Right in the morning. My baby. Let me give you a hug.

Please KD, not now.

Andi's not answering his phone.

He promised to introduce me to Akshay.

Bloody liar.

Ahana, have you seen Lali?

Forget about Lali.

Come on, Ahana. Don't spoil your mood.

Listen to me. Get into bikini mood.

And we'll hit the beach. It'll change your mood too.

What about Akshay?

Relax. I am there.

We will hit the beach.

And we'll have breakfast at the beach.

Ratatouille. Baked beans. Focaccia bread.

Muffins and whipped cream.

And pumpkin pie.

KD. - Yeah.

Where's Lali?

Forget about Lali, go get your swimming trunks.

I'll introduce you to him.

I'll even get you popcorn and cold drink outside the Akshay's tent.

Thank you, son.

You're doing so much for me. It's overwhelming.

Uncle, I am not doing this for you.

It will cost you.

100,000 per person.

I want to meet Akshay Kumar, not the Prime Minister.

You can meet the Prime Minister for free.

You're meeting Akshay Kumar. Take it or leave it.

Okay, I will take it.

Cash or card?

Cash.

The pink one's nice.

The blue one is better.

No way.

Blue ocean, blue sky and more blue...

It's too much blue. Pink is better.

It should cover the body too.

Her body's like...

Okay, okay.

We'll try both one by one. - [Cellphone rings]

Finally, it should be Andi. - Let's have her try each one.

Andi, where the hell are you?

It's not Andi,

it's Lali speaking.

Hey Lali, where are you? We're going to the beach.

Forget the beach, listen to me carefully.

Are KD and Pinky with you?

Yeah, they're right here with me.

Don't repeat what I'm about to say.

I am on Akshay Kumar's set.

Are you serious? How?

If you want to meet Akshay Kumar then come immediately.

I'll text you the address.

Really? Pinky, pinch me.

[Screams] I'm not dreaming.

Shall I do it again?

Lali, you are the best. I'm coming.

Listen, the shoot's about to begin.

And listen, don't tell KD and Pinky about this.

[Chuckles] Okay, bye!

Oh my God.

You guys carry on to the beach and I'll see you later.

Pinky, something's wrong.

Lali calls and she hops, skips and jumps to him.

Lali.

Lali.

Lali.

Let her through.

I am with him.

Let her through. What are you doing?

Lali! Is this for real?

Where are you going?

Thank you.

Have a cold drink.

It's from Akshay's fridge.

Sir, who is this?

She wants her picture taken.

My friend.

I can understand.

I can't believe this.

I am sitting outside Akshay's makeup room.

And sipping a soft drink from his fridge.

Of course.

I got to put this on FB.

Lali... deceived me.

Not you, with me.

You're not a contender in Ahana's case.

Why not?

I am a man too, a pervert.

And shameless, like you two.

I am a contender too.

My brother, hold it like this and zoom in.

That's when you'll get a closer look.

Are you filming me?

No.

Candid shoot.

Please don't delete that. This video is all I have.

You perverts.

No, we are needy, hungry.

Where's Akshay?

Out buying a sari.

Sir, he's Akshay Kumar.

You will have to wait.

He won't just enter like this.

Action.

Akshay!

'Once upon a time, in a faraway land,'

'there was a Ahana Basin,'

'flying on a red couch with Akshay Kumar'.

'Yes! One day, that will be me'.

'I will be the heroine in Akshay Kumar's movie'.

'And we lived happily ever after'.

[Laughs]

Cut it! - Akshay!

What a fantabulous shot! Superb!

Superb!

Mind-blowing, Akshay. What a shot!

You gave me goosebumps. See for yourself.

Would you like to see?

Anything wrong with the shot?

It's a promo shot.

Then why do I need to see it?

I haven't been doing anything else for the last 20 years.

Climbing up and down the helicopter. What else.

Bantu, get my coconut water.

Thank you.

It's too light.

Make it properly.

I got goosebumps.

Touch it.

It's better now.

Always make it strong. It should give me that feeling.

Akshay, help.

Yeah, one second.

Akshay. - Yes.

What happened?

Akshay, just a minute. - Help!

What happened? - Just a small endorsement.

He's the biggest builder of Mauritius. Kishore Samtani.

Shake hands. No, no, that will cost extra.

Hurry up, quickly. Fast. Take a picture.

Just three pictures.

Give me Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone.

Sir, you're doing great.

Very good. Last one. Don't forget the check.

Where are you going, sir?

One more endorsement. Come, baby. Come fast.

She's from the most famous restaurant in Mauritius.

Two photos. Fast. With her.

The lobster eating pose. That's always good.

Yes.

She's the owner's girlfriend.

Are you?

No, I am a lesbian. - What?

[Laughs]

The things these people say these days.

Anyway, last endorsement. Mauritius International School.

Come on, kids. He doesn't have much time.

Take a picture with a few kids. And that's it.

Let's go quickly. Come on, kids.

Yes, smile. Smile. Go back to school.

School is open. Go back to school.

Thank you. Thank you, sir. Very good.

We are going to make lots of money but one final endorsement.

This is the best one. - That's it. I am tired.

I am tired. I am tired.

Akshay Kumar, I hate you.

But the world loves you.

[Cellphone rings] - But the world loves you.

Shall I make the call? Final endorsement.

Hello. Vipin.

Hold on. He's in a bad mood.

Akshay! I have to meet him. - Not now.

He'll meet you. Calm down. - Please.

[Sighs]

No, I've not seen your movies.

Nobody's seen your movies. Please hold.

Oh God.

The world's worst director Ranjit Basu's calling, sir.

Give me the phone.

Should I say no?

Give me the phone.

Hold this.

Hello.

No, sir. - Sir.

Sir, Akshay Kumar speaking.

My Shubhojit.

Yes, sir.

How are your rehearsals?

Sir, I am completely prepared.

Just come see me.

Have you made the chart?

Yes, sir.

That chart is all ready.

Your Shubhojit is getting ready, sir.

Will you do it?

Ask me anything.

Fear.

Ridicule.

Awesome.

Disgust.

Great!

[Laughs]

Excellent! Very good.

I am eagerly waiting for you, sir.

Please come. Okay, sir. See you. Bye. - Okay, bye.

Sir, please. Don't waste your time with him.

He's completely mad. Don't waste time.

A Bengali director needs a Bengali actor.

I'll call Mr. Rahul Bose, he's free these days.

Aman... Stop it. - B for Bose.

Stop it right now.

Do you know the director you're talking about?

Yes. - He's won 5 National Awards.

5... - 5 National Awards.

He is Akshay Kumar's ticket to National Award.

Imagine your boss...

His photograph, National Award winner. Akshay Kumar.

Sir, what good will a National Award do?

Tell me honestly.

Two minute interview on the National channel.

Waste of time.

Shut up. - Your focus should be on the 2 billion film club.

You must look there, sir. You are a star.

You're a champion. You're a player.

Don't do that, sir. Don't do that. You're looking very unnatural, sir.

You're number 1. You're the player.

You're the number 1, Akshay Kumar.

No. 2, Salman Khan. No. 3, Shah Rukh Khan.

No. 4, Jackky Bhagnani.

He's catching up. I'm worried.

Jackky Bhagnani is catching up.

It's a flop! Wonderful.

[Laughs] Flop.

What kind of a title is Kerala Charlie for a film?

Who cares if it's a good film?

Good films are only meant for DVD.

Right. Call me later.

John's film...

The reports are mixed.

Mixed? - Tell me something.

You can't tolerate to see others happy!

Akshay, I feel really sad when a film flops. Really?

I swear.

I swear on that light.

[Bulb burst]

[Cellphone rings]

Hello. - I'll call you back.

Yes.

What?

No show in Satara.

Yes.

Tell me Dubai's collection by tonight.

Fine, I'll call you later.

It won't even get 16 million.

We'll do it, sir. We'll do it. I have everything planned.

We'll host a big event with the Indian Community here.

We'll make 2 billion...

3 billion at least.

No, this time we'll cross 4...

Shut up.

Sir, 420 is a good figure. - You are always discussing money.

You two are driving me nuts.

I am fed up of this.

Tell me something, KK.

How many films did I do for you?

Three. And what did I do?

In every film either I'm jumping from the helicopter.

Or running after the heroine, or the train.

Or cars... Even running after the dancer.

Did you make me do anything real?

You know something, if you don't make me do something new,

I will quit this bloody industry.

Don't say that.

Saraswati's always on the set.

Who? - Lady luck.

It might just come true.

Take your words back, Akshay, please.

Akshay... - Sir!

What? - Sir...

Sir. - Sir.

Say again, sir.

Akshay Sir.

Sir, your shot's ready.

Ready?

What a unique film!

The shot's ready, and the director's here.

Stop all this nonsense.

Good news, sir.

Another endorsement. This one is for a helicopter. Sir... Listen...

Akshay.

Lali. Click. Fast.

Who the hell are you?

Hey, no, no.

Sir, my family. He's my uncle.

Uncle, okay. You'll get a discount.

Akshay, I am your biggest fan.

I've seen all your movies.

I also have your pictures.

In fact, you were the one who inspired me to become a designer.

Actually, I made these sunglasses for you.

If you wear them...

Why am I asking?

Lali, click.

Akshay, you're looking nice in these.

Doesn't the material seem different?

Obviously. They're made up of my toenails.

I've made them with my own toenails.

Uncle, your daughter wasn't funny at all.

She's not my daughter.

Then who is she? - We're friends.

More than friends.

Akshay. Akshay, I love you. - Whatever!

You're a rockstar.

I told you.

No. There are already 40 likes and 80 comments on my status.

Since I posted that picture, Kunal and Tara have gone offline.

They must be burning with jealousy.

Oh my God. So cool.

Okay, I got to go. Ciao.

Lali.

Happy?

Happy? I am on cloud nine.

You're the best.

Thank you.

Remember you said something the other day.

What did I say?

You forgot.

You said whoever introduces you to Akshay Kumar...

I feel shy.

I don't remember. Say it.

Where's my return gift, Ahana?

Come here.

Okay.

And your gift.

New title.

Rockstar.

Lali the Rockstar.

Lali the Rockstar.

Cheers.

Pinky.

Make another peg for me.

It's alcohol, not sherbet.

You keep chugging it.

Stop lecturing me.

Make me a peg.

[Laughs] No.

Hey guys.

Friends, Romans and countrymen.

[Laughs]

Careful.

Where were you?

What did you do with this child?

Are you crazy?

I took Ahana to see Akshay Kumar's shoot.

Shoot?

Lali, don't be modest.

Guys, Lali introduced me to Akshay Kumar.

Lali, no...

[Clicks tongue]

He's no longer Lali.

He's a Rockstar.

I am a Rockstar.

Rockstar Lali.

Rockstar Lali.

[Laughs]

That ugly looking face, and Rockstar.

I'm all over FB because of Lali.

[Laughs]

But the shoot must have ended in 3-4 hours.

Where did you go after that?

Actually...

Hold on. Ahana, you must be tired.

I think you should go and sleep.

No, I am having fun.

No. Be a good girl.

Lali the Rockstar's saying this.

What did she do to get tired?

I'll tell you, hold on. Come on.

Actually...

You're right, I will go to sleep.

My back is hurting.

Goodnight, boys.

Goodnight.

And you, Rockstar.

Naughty girl. So what's happening with this piece of okra?

Okra?

You were really shrewd.

You made schemes in the night.

[Laughs]

Amazing.

Don't be jealous.

All three had an equal opportunity.

I was smart and won the game.

You're not smart, but a traitor.

Tell me what you did after the shoot.

You see, it was my promise to introduce her to Akshay Kumar.

I fulfilled that.

And then her promise...

What?

I must admit.

She's true to her words.

Okay, goodnight. My back's hurting too.

Lali, the Rockstar says good night.

[Laughs]

Oh my God!

Make me a drink.

You do it.

Don't waste time, I am on ISD call.

For the last time I am asking you.

What's the name of Akshay Kumar's uncle who lives at Chandni Chowk?

He's a distant uncle.

You always said he's special.

He's your friend too.

That's true.

But he's a distant uncle.

Fine, tell me his name.

Manu. Manu Kukreja...

He owns a sari shop at Chawdi Bazaar.

He's really respected.

Fine, call him now and tell him to talk to Akshay Kumar.

And tell him to invite me for tea.

I need to urgently introduce someone to Akshay Kumar.

But he's not in Delhi.

He's gone to Vaishno Devi.

Hail Goddess!

Ahana. Where's my omelette, darling?

I am hungry.

Just two minutes, Rockstar.

Okay, Rockstar.

Would you like a piece of bread?

How about a slap?

Jealous.

Ahana.

[Whistling] - Here we go.

A very special omelette, for my Rockstar.

Rockstar.

Ocean Snail's omelette. Eat it.

Snail? You mean that snail!

No. I am not hungry, I won't eat it.

Why not? Eat it.

Ahana, feed him yourself.

Feed him with your hands. - I don't want it. I am not hungry.

I am allergic to omelette. - Have some.

[Laughs]

Yes, of course.

I'll come over. I'll come soon, son. Definitely.

Bless you, son.

And listen.

If you ever need money in Mauritius then call uncle KD.

Okay, son? Okay. Hail Goddess.

Hail Goddess.

Hello. Breakfast?

I can guess from your faces

that Ahana made breakfast.

That's right. You try it too.

Thank you, but I am full.

Finished jogging?

Yes, I did.

And I even talked to Rajiv.

I wonder how he found my number and also that I am in Mauritius.

Who Rajiv?

Rajiv Bhatia.

You guys call him Akshay Kumar.

What? Akshay?

What's going on?

What Akshay?

He's Raju for me.

He was saying, 'Uncle KD, I hate you.'

'You're in Mauritius and you didn't tell me.'

'You have to come for tea.'

He was insisting. My sweet boy.

So you will have tea with Akshay Kumar.

He's inviting me to his personal chamber.

Not outside like other fans.

KD, you are a Rockstar. True Rockstar.

Please, can I come along with you?

What's going on?

I am not a Rockstar, he is.

Forget about him.

Ahana.

It was a joke.

Please, can I come along?

Okay.

But what will I get in return?

More than what Lali got.

What's going on?

Wow!

And the ball is out of the stadium. Six runs! Fantastic!

You are a bastard.

Ranjit!

You woman-beater.

Mind your language. This is Akshay Kumar.

Akshay. Akshay, who?

I am talking to Shubhojit.

Listen, you are not Akshay Kumar for me.

You are my Shubhojit.

My character.

My character.

So Shubhojit doesn't play golf.

When will you understand my Shubhojit? When?

Sir, I'm trying my best to understand him.

The book that you gave me on Shubhojit's life history,

I read it all night.

Sir, it contains information about Shubhojit's father,

grandfather, uncle, nephew, everyone...

But nothing on Shubhojit.

To understand Shubhojit, you need to know his history.

Get in this history and capture Shubhojit's soul.

Relax.

I promise you, soon I'll capture everything about him.

I promise you.

Look, Shubhojit is an evil and lowly man.

He's dark on the inside.

He's basically HKP.

What?

'Hawas Ka Pujari' (Lover of lust).

Now relax.

Action.

Sir, this is the plot of the famous Hollywood film Talented Mr Ripley.

You think I am copying.

Am I copying?

That's why managers always remain managers.

Sir, don't mind him.

Go away.

Yes, sir.

Leave my Shubhojit alone.

Sir... - Aman, go away.

I really apologise. Sorry about that.

No entry, boss.

Tell Rajiv, uncle KD's here to meet him.

Rajiv who?

Don't irritate me.

Tell Akshay Kumar that his uncle KD from Delhi is here to see him.

Tell Akshay that his uncle's here.

Totally awesome.

Hail Goddess.

Son. - Yes.

Stop reading, concentrate on your job.

Where's Akshay Kumar's van?

Sir, we don't have vans, only tents.

Fine, where's Akshay Kumar's tent?

This side.

Okay. Come on.

Son, concentrate on your job. Work hard, and you'll be a star soon.

Yes, sir.

And who are you?

Tell him, son.

Uncle KD, Akshay's guest.

You?

What?

What?

Tea or coffee?

Water. First water.

You tell me, I will send it.

You're local.

That looks constipated.

Lose some of it.

Bring that dirty feeling.

Dirtier.

Dirtier.

Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!

Very nice. Great.

Statue.

Don't move.

Don't move.

Now look at yourself in the mirror.

Sir, I can't breathe.

This face will become your reality.

Fits! Akshay's getting the fits. - Hey shut up.

Shut up.

We're working on my expression and you think I am getting fits.

Such a great director.

Sorry, sir.

Idiot.

So sorry to disturb you. Your uncle's here to see you.

My uncle?

Yes, uncle KD.

What KD?

Yes, uncle KD.

Shubhojit doesn't have an uncle.

It must be Akshay Kumar's.

Akshay Kumar doesn't have an uncle either.

You do, he's waiting.

Shubhojit. The script is your God.

If you don't take care of it, it won't take care of you.

Respect.

Mistake. Calm down.

Go. He would never be able to learn acting.

Akshay Kumar's jacket.

Ahana, are you enjoying?

I am going crazy.

I am in Akshay's personal makeup room.

KD, click me.

[Laughs]

Okay, babe.

Wow! - [Camera clicks]

Beautiful!

KD. Show me.

First, hug me. [Laughs] - Come on.

Naughty KD.

What's going on?

[Screams] Akshay!

You?

I got something for you. One minute.

Rajiv, my son.

You insisted so much. So I am here for tea.

Tea? - No, thanks.

Tea gives me acidity.

By the way, Manu Kukreja from Chawdi Bazaar says hello.

Who is Manu Kukreja?

You haven't patched up with Manu yet, Rajiv.

Why do you keep calling me Rajiv?

Fine, Raju. How sweet! How sweet, wonderful!

Don't just stand there, hug him.

KD, click us.

Yeah.

Is he your father?

No, dude. If he's my father and your uncle

then we would have been cousins. That's just gross.

He's a friend.

No, more than a friend.

Hold my leg.

Rajiv, hold it.

Click this. Okay.

Akshay, I designed this scarf.

I created it from pigeon feathers.

Mony... Rakesh... Sharma.

We can party later. No need for a party.

You don't need to touch my feet either.

Please, no need for any formality.

We'll leave. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Akshay, I love you. - C'mon!

Come on. No problem.

Rajiv...

Will you leave or should I throw you out?

No, we've got our own transportation.

Get out.

If you need anything in Delhi...

Damodar.

Yes, sir.

Next time I see this girl on my set, I'll slap you.

Okay, sir.

On second thoughts, I'll slap you anyway.

Go, get the coconut water.

Out.

Kuku, coconut.

KD, they are already 200 likes on my status.

Look at the comments.

See. Raju respects me so much.

You see, our kids are very cultured.

Traditional.

KD, do you think Akshay liked the scarf I designed?

Of course, you're a great designer.

He must have gone crazy by now.

[Laughs]

I did it, KD.

I gave Akshay the best design of my life.

Ahana!

Ahana is a Rockstar.

What about me?

What am I?

You?

KD, you are a Rockstar.

I love you.

Now give me a hug.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Stop it, dear. Don't make me cry.

KD, I am too drunk. Let's go to the beach. Come on.

Come on.

I will float away, Ahana. - Come on.

"Have you ever seen" - Come on.

"anyone's life leaving him?"

Come on, KD. - "There goes my life who's upset with me."

Stop!

"There goes my life."

What are you two doing here?

Ahana called and asked for a towel.

What's going on here?

You can see what's going on? Take a look.

That's the meaning of my life.

KD, how did you do it?

Rascals, you don't know me.

The other name for arrangement is Kamal Dheer Sharma.

Hey. Guys...

Thanks, Pinky. Give me the towel.

No. You don't need it.

There's a cool breeze blowing. You'll dry up yourself.

Sorry, Pinky. I am going home, I am tired.

Bye KD, I love you Rockstar.

Bring my clothes.

Okay. Pinky, get her slippers.

Don't be shocked, I'll tell you everything.

You pick up the underwear and the slippers.

Are you coming, Rock star?

Yeah, baby.

KD.

You were right.

This girl's really fast.

First me and then you.

[Laughs]

Lali.

This is generation X. No big deal in sex.

This is just a way to kill time for them.

Food's horrible, let's have sex.

[Laughs]

Movie's so boring, let's have sex.

How cute puppy, want to have sex?

[Laughs]

You two should be ashamed.

One is married and the other...

It's futile to talk to you.

What's wrong with you now?

Nothing. Mr Goyal's lost his mind after seeing Ahana in a bikini.

No. I am gearing up too.

For what?

I am a contender too in Ahana's case.

Pinky! Pinky! Pinky!

Don't you ever think about it!

Pinky.

Ahana's like the Gucci and Armani showrooms,

and you're like a bag of spices.

Lali, you're overdoing it now.

Pinky. Ahana is my love.

I can't tolerate an old man like you looking at her.

[Laughs]

I swear on my dead grandma, Shakuntala Devi.

If I don't make Ahana sit on my lap in 24 hours...

...then my name isn't Harishankar Goyal aka Pinky.

Keep it dog.

[Laughs]

Cheers!

What happened, uncle? Why did you call me so urgently?

You know Akshay Kumar's in Mauritius.

So do anything you can, and introduce me to him.

Uncle, you're really fortunate.

Remember I told you that our company

is sponsoring a program for the Indian Community.

Yes.

The chief guest for that is Akshay Kumar.

Just tell me how many passes you want. I'll arrange for them.

No. No passes.

No passes. I'll be the other chief guest of that event.

I'll sit next to Akshay Kumar.

[Laughs]

Why are you laughing?

That's so absurd.

It's impossible.

Impossible? I see.

Then I'm giving the dealership to Chhada and Chhada.

Uncle, that's blackmail.

Yes, hello, Mr Chhada!

Okay, done.

Fine, you're our chief guest number 2.

I'll sit next to Akshay Kumar.

And also arrange for one VIP and two general passes.

Ahana.

You haven't caught on to Shubhojit's character.

Sir, I am trying.

I am trying my level best.

I am trying.

Okay.

Do you know method acting?

That's fine. I'll give you some motivation.

Here.

Imagine that he's a lowly man.

Your enemy.

He murdered your mother.

He killed your mother.

Now you have to yell at him.

Do it.

You rascal! My mother's killer... - Anger!

Sir, look at his face. It's so cute.

How can I yell at him?

Give him back.

Give him to me.

You can't do anything.

You can only do action movies.

You can't even get angry.

Even a piece of furniture acts better than you!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

My back's itching.

Just scratching my back.

Seems like Pinky has planned something big. Right?

That's fine,

but I hope he doesn't mess up in over-excitement.

Oh my God. Guys, look at Kunal's status.

He's coming for the same event.

This will be so much fun.

But where's Pinky?

Here I am, Ahana.

Oh my God.

Pinky, you look awesome. What's going on?

[Laughs] I did this for you.

To introduce you to Akshay Kumar.

Oh my God. Really? How?

He's the other chief guest of our event.

Not just me, you're the chief guest too.

Akshay Kumar will garland us both.

What are you saying?

Oh my God. Thanks.

Thanks? No thanks. I want full service,

better than KD and Lali.

Service? What do you mean?

Full service. - Bhanu...

Akshay Kumar sounds like he's quite irritated.

Nothing should go wrong. Whatever happens.

Hey, who is he?

Magician. Fantastic. Akshay Kumar loves magic.

Don't forget the rabbit trick. Don't forget.

He's here. Out of the way. Security.

Pinky.

[Applause]

As me, ma'am, before you take my photograph.

What happened? - Why is she taking my photograph?

I can do this character.

God, he's drunk.

I'll never get a National Award.

Listen, forget about that. Focus!

Focus where?

Focus where?

Ranjit Basu gave me a dog and said he's my mother's killer.

Oh, God. - You should've seen that dog.

He's so cute...

Your eyes... Wear your glasses, please. I'm going to have a heart attack.

Listen. Let's focus here. Forget about Ranjit Basu.

Forget about him. Focus about the 2 billion club.

Okay. Let's go.

The stage is that side.

Why do they keep moving the stage?

Ladies and gentlemen, with a big round of applause please welcome

the heart-throb, the superstar Mr Akshay Kumar.

[Applause]

Nothing's wrong. It was one of Akshay's stunts.

Sir.

And our guest of honour for tonight,

the king of raw spices.

Mr Harishankar Goyal.

Clap!

[Applause]

Garland!

Garland!

I would like to request Mr Akshay Kumar

to honour our guest and his friend.

Applause.

Applause.

What nonsense is this?

This was not in the deal.

There's nothing I can do.

Either Akshay honours my guest or my deal gets cancelled.

It's very important.

You're trying to blackmail me in front of the media.

Sir, please. Try to understand. Someone's blackmailing me too. Please.

I can't do this.

Look, sir, we will have to do as he says. Many people have come here.

Akshay.

Do it.

I will break your legs.

Sir, the media's here.

You'll have to do it.

[Calling out]

Akshay.

Good to see you again. I have another gift for you.

My biggest creation.

Isn't she the same girl who comes to the sets?

Yes, sir.

If she tries to touch me, I'll slap her in front of the media.

She's a bloody stalker. - Not necessary.

Akshay has to garland me.

He has to garland him.

I will shoot you.

Garland.

You can shoot me, sir. But garland him.

Pinky. Pinky.

Look at Kunal's condition. He's so jealous.

I am thrilled.

Girl, focus on me.

Garland... Garland...

It has to be in the contract.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to request

Mr Akshay Kumar to honour our guest and his friend.

Sir, please do it.

Sir, just for a few minutes.

Sir, you will have to do it. We don't have a choice.

Sir, please come.

Sir, come on.

Garland whom?

Sir, the one who is sitting.

'Akshay, I've designed this scarf from pigeon feathers.'

'You don't know how to get angry.'

'You can only do action movies.'

'Listen to me, sir. Let's focus here.'

'Forget about Ranjit Basu.'

'Focus on the 2 billion club. Okay? Let's go.'

Sir, please. You have to do it.

Put the garland, the girl has come to meet you.

You do your job, so I can do mine with her.

Pinky, what are you talking about? What job?

What's wrong?

You said you would please anyone who introduces you to Akshay Kumar.

KD and Lali's had their turns.

Now it's my turn. Give it to me.

Pinky. - Pervert old man.

Sir, control.

What control?

I know you really well.

HKP!

HKP?

'Hawas Ke Pujari.'

Akshay.

Shut up!

I know women like you too.

She goes around with a different old man each day.

I am not that kind of girl. Akshay, I am a designer.

What designer? You don't know anything about designing.

Let me tell you about her.

She's mad.

[Crying]

This woman is mad.

Lali, let's go.

Hey. You.

Hold on.

Old man no. 1.

Old man no. 2.

Old man no. 3.

What are your names?

KD.

Lali.

He owns a shoe-store.

Take shoes from that store and clobber them.

You can land in your graves anytime.

Still you run after women.

They are lechers!

[Gasps]

That girl standing next to you... - Yes.

...is your daughter's age, right? - Yes.

Still you lust her.

Think about sex.

And make faces.

You should be ashamed.

I feel their faces should be blackened,

make them sit on a donkey, and...

What city are you from?

Delhi. - Delhi? Forget Delhi!

You all should be thrown out of India.

But sir, even you're making a humiliating scene.

Scene.

They are being perverts and I am making a scene!

Akshay, are you drunk?

Come up, lady. Come up.

Ask me again.

Akshay, are you drunk?

Yes, I am drunk.

I am drunk, but I bought it with my own hard-earned money.

I don't owe anyone anything.

Get that.

I don't care anymore.

Enough of this life of suffering and drinking in secret.

I am an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic.

You want a pose.

Take a pose!

[Camera clicks]

Great.

Shubhojit's angry!

Great.

Very nice.

Nice!

You have captured Shubhojit.

I found you.

I found you.

I found you.

Leave him, sir.

[TV news] 'Film star Akshay Kumar abuses in public.'

'At an Indian community event in Mauritius,'

'Akshay Kumar was drunk and he abused three old men.'

'He also accused a woman and called her names.'

'Let's see what Bollywood has to say about this.'

'Alcohol just doesn't suit him.'

'I have known Akshay ever since I was a commoner just like him.'

'If you can't handle it, please don't drink.'

'Alcohol!'

'Are you speaking about Akshay Kumar? Akki? Rajiv Bhatia?'

'No way!'

'I want to tell Akshay,'

'there is only one angry young man in this world.'

'And he is a senior now.'

'Forget alcohol, he never even had a cup of tea.'

'It's all due to his new company.'

'It's because he is no longer doing films with me.'

'If you need any advice,'

'please come to me anytime.'

'Let's have some tea or coffee.'

'Maybe we'll avoid them too in public.'

'Maybe we'll have some coconut water.'

'Ma'am, your son-in-law is an alcoholic. What do you have to say?'

'Nice. First of April.'

'Ma'am, don't you think it's wrong?'

'The family members aren't even able to leave their homes.'

'He's not like that.'

'I know, I am his wife.'

'Our father's mental condition isn't stable.'

'This is his friend KD's fault.'

'KD and Lali.'

'These two have an eye on our shop.'

'I am saying this, Lali is not a lecher.'

'Akshay Kumar was in a drunken state.'

What have I done?

All men are pigs.

Ahana. Let me explain.

You all think from your pants.

KD.

You disgust me. - Leave her.

Her anger is justified.

Let's go.

Delhi's on fire.

We are in news everywhere.

Three lecherous men.

How will we go home?

Everything will be fine. We have to be positive.

This is your fault.

That's Akshay Kumar.

Run.

Run!

Open the door.

Open the door.

Have you three lost your mind? Why are you all running?

You will kill us.

I came here to apologise.

I destroyed your families.

I said too much yesterday.

And where's Ahana? I want to apologise to her too.

Ahana isn't talking to us.

Mr Akshay Kumar, we made a big mistake.

That girl was humiliated because of us.

Honestly, she doesn't even know all the dirty things we talked about her.

You know.

I can clearly guess from your faces that you were all born perverts.

Excuse me, sir.

I am not a pervert.

KD got me in this mess.

I am a respectable man. Everyone knows me.

I am the secretary of my society.

Lali, you mean I am a cheap thug.

Absolutely.

You dragged me and Pinky

in your disgusting plan for your own pleasure.

You used our shoulder to fire your gun.

That's why we're in Mauritius.

We are family men.

We have kids and grandkids.

Can't you control yourself?

But no, you don't know anything about family values.

Lali, you're saying too much.

What Lali? - You're saying too much.

Do you know why KD never got married?

Let it be.

Forget it. - Let me speak.

Forget it. - Let me speak today!

KD loved someone.

Maybe.

That girl was your sister Chanchal.

Interesting, twist in the story.

Akshay, wear your glasses.

He remained a bachelor for the promise

that we three would never go after each other's sisters.

The one you're calling a cheap thug

sacrificed his love for the sake of our friendship.

We were friends,

we still are and we'll still be friends.

Good or bad.

We'll always stay together. Remember?

Are you crazy?

You took that childhood promise so seriously.

Chanchal got divorced.

And you're searching for love in Mauritius.

You should've told me before.

[Laughs]

You three are great.

Even after 100 mistakes, your single good deed won my heart.

Come on, let's rectify our mistakes.

Come on, I'll help you.

Come on.

[Doorbell rings]

How dare you come back?

Get lost.

Ahana.

Lali, KD and Pinky told me everything.

I don't know

what I said on stage yesterday.

I apologise.

I am really sorry about it.

You just said, men are pigs.

We're not pigs.

We're HKP.

'Hawas Ke Pujari' (Lecher)?

No. 'Haste Khelte Puppies' (Smiling cute puppies).

Just look at them.

Look at their faces.

I want you to come for my press conference tomorrow.

Don't say no. You have to be there.

Give me a chance to rectify my mistake, please.

What's the dress code?

Formal?

Or casual?

That's the spirit.

Good evening, everyone.

Some time ago,

I created a big stir back in India.

Well, that's what we wanted.

This was all a well-planned marketing campaign.

What?

Absolutely.

This was a marketing campaign for my next film.

And the film is called 'Alcoholic'.

What a name!

'Alcoholic'.

And now those who made this campaign successful.

They humiliated themselves in front of millions of people.

Let me introduce you to my three real lovely uncles.

Meet uncle KD.

What a fine man!

I want to tell everyone uncle KD's responsible for everything I am,

everything I learnt.

Thank you, uncle KD.

Rajiv... I...

I have no words.

Thank you, son.

So sweet.

So sweet.

And that's uncle Lali.

Fashion, style, class.

He is my style icon. Love you, uncle Lali.

Thank you.

And now...

The spice king from Chawdi Bazaar.

Uncle Pinky.

You all know I am a chef, I love cooking.

And it was possible because of him.

Give him a big hand. - [Applause]

That will save our reputation.

And now the girl who got herself humiliated in front of millions of people.

And still stayed strong.

Please welcome the one and only... Ahana Basin.

[Applause]

Ahana Basin.

Friends, I would like to tell you another thing.

She is in my next film as the lead heroine.

Wow!

Akshay, what are you saying? I can't act.

You don't know designing either.

And anyway, those who don't know anything become actors.

[Laughs] - Look at me. What is there to laugh about?

'Alcoholic'. Scene 8. Short 12. Take 39.

"Yes I'm alcoholic."

Raj, I am pregnant with your child. [Laughs]

Akshay, I can't do this.

What's my motivation? I'm not wearing the earrings.

She's impossible.

"The summer party freaking crazy."

"I am standing straight although I'm drunk."

"Because I am an alcoholic."

"Yes, I am an alcoholic."

"The summer party freaking crazy."

"Yes, I am an alcoholic."

"Yes, I am an alcoholic."

[Music]

"Alcoholic."

Chanchal.

"Alcoholic."

Kamal.

"Alcoholic."

Raise the mic. I feel like it's going to fall on me.

Bundu, get me a double peg on the rocks.

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Yes, I am an alcoholic."

"Yes, I am an alcoholic."

I think I need earrings. Give me my earrings quickly.

This is a difficult dialogue. Can we change it?

Bundu, get me something new.

[Music]

"I drink alcohol like milk."

"I always make a big peg for myself."

"I drink alcohol like milk."

"I always make a big peg for myself."

"I never measure my peg."

"I drink from my own money."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"The summer party freaking crazy."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Baby it's true, I love to party."

"That's exactly why I've such a big stock at home."

"Baby it's true, I love to party."

"That's exactly why I've such a big stock at home."

"I never measure my peg."

"I drink from my own money."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"The summer party freaking crazy."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

Okay, one more time.

I'll chant Om.

Om!

I am ready.

Raj, I am pregnant with your child. [Laughs]

Action.

Raj.

I forgot my line. [Laughs]

No, no. I'll do it again.

Akshay, you don't mind waiting, right?

Bundu, bring me that snake charmer's basket.

Put those snakes on me. They will bite me.

At least that poison will have some effect.

How's my hair?

This witch is driving me crazy.

I am tired of seeing her.

Why did I go to Mauritius?

I'll kill her someday.

My sari's falling. [Laughs]

I'll go bankrupt with my first production itself.

[Laughs]

Action.

"Romantic at heart."

"Romantic at heart.

They're serious, they ain't joking."

"Need more action, less talking."

"No nonsense, no. Go keen when they see..."

"Tough... Romantic at heart."

"Tough... Romantic at heart."

"Tough... Romantic at heart." - Hold this.

Dad, I told you the blue one was wet.

Fine, bring the white one.

It's better.

Hello, Indian?

Please move aside.

One second. Cut!

It felt like an elephant was dancing in the sugarcane field.

She bent that iron rod.

What?

Just a minute. Be careful.

Akshay, help!

You were supposed to say it later.

Okay.

"Because I was busy being romantic."

"My pyjama string is loose, everyone knows that."

I was...

"But I am still busy being romantic."

This way.

I have goosebumps.

Cut it!

Try to understand, Akshay Kumar and I...

Akshay Kumar and I need to meet someone.

He isn't in Delhi. He has gone to Vaishno Devi with family.

What!

Is he your father?

No, dude. If he was my dad and your uncle... Hold my, leg.

We would have been cousins.

Go ahead. It's a family matter.

What are you doing?

What happened?

It's not made out of pigeon feathers.

It's made of pigeon crap.

Cut it!

"There's nothing more that I need to learn."

"Because I'm a master in romance."

"I spent my entire life alone."

"Because no one understood how romantic I was."

"Now I see the girl and understand"

There is nothing here.

Focus, sir. Focus!

How can I focus?

He was telling me about a dog

who caused my mother...

Do you understand?

Are you saying, I'm making a scene?

These three old men are flirting with a woman.

And I'm the one creating a scene.

When will you speak?

She doesn't speak.

"We're still romantic at heart."

It never comes out, sir.

You guys want a pose?

Who closed it?

He remained a bachelor...

...for the promise that we'll never flirt with each other's sister.

Hey, Akshay. Come quickly.