Original subtitles

No way will this work.

I'll probably end up with your head or someone else's legs.

Something always goes wrong. I'm not building my hopes up.

And we begin.

(SWITCHES MACHINE ON)

-Have you found any dirt on her yet? -Her character is flawless, sir.

Damn!

And if her character is flawless, that means...

I know.

I'll have to frame her.

-No, sir. I meant... -Mmm.

Is working.

Now if calculations correct,

portal should

open now.

It's working!

Something is not right.

Saying we don't exist.

How can this be possible?

Taking us to nearest valid reality. Makes no sense.

What size is this?

This baby's 50 inches of full, crotch throbbing pixel power.

I like it!

Too big. It's only for the bedroom.

How can our reality not exist? It's crazy.

What about this one?

I can't hold on much longer!

Yes, something is very wrong. Send Rimmer through first see if safe.

What?

Wait!

(SCREAMING) I said, wait!

What was that?

-Did you hear something smash? -On TV.

Can't hold on much longer!

-MAN: What, is it HD ready? -It's a version of HD ready, yeah.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Oh yeah!

(EXCLAIMS IN JOY)

Where are we, Kryten?

Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, we're in a department store in London

in the early part of the 21st century.

The early part of the 21...

Isn't that when all the banks went belly up and money became useless?

I've read about that in history.

What a sound system, eh?

Sounds like you're in the room with them.

-Where are we, Kryten? -Well, according to the Psi scans, sirs,

-we're in a department store in London. - (CHUCKLING) Red Dwarf.

-Is this a new series? -I don't really follow it myself.

Science fiction.

It's all a bit bollocks really, isn't it?

That Psi scan thing. Knows everything, doesn't it?

Any bit of exposition, just ask the Psi scan.

How can it know everything? Talk about rubbish.

who's he Kryten?

Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, he's a pompous know-all,

know-nothing idiot called Mike Mellington,

who incidentally has a very small penis.

-How does the Psi scan know that? -Well, it's scanned his e-mail, sir.

He's already onto his fourth tub of penis enlargement cream.

Hey buds, the porthole's closed. We can't get back.

What do you mean, get back? We are back!

This is Earth, this is home. And we've got rid of Kremlin Kate.

Let's crack open the vodka.

It is me or is everyone staring?

Also they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir.

They're just laughing at your face, Kryten. Nothing to worry about.

Back in the 21st century, they laughed at freaks all the time.

They used to have TV shows on Saturday nights

where they'd get out all the freaks, make them sing and dance

and then point and laugh at them. Simple people. Simple tastes.

(WHISPERING) Hey, hey. What are these things?

They're Digital Versatile Discs, sir. DVDs for short.

They were very popular in the early part of the 21st century before they died out

and were replaced with what we use now.

-What, you mean videos? -Precisely.

Back then no-one knew that the human race were utterly incapable

of putting the DVDs back in their cases. Case in point.

Over two trillion went missing in just over 20 years.

Videos are just too big to lose.

(SCANNING)

Sirs, look.

Red Dwarf. This is us!

It's a TV series about us.

It recounts all our adventures, every single one of them.

How's this possible?

We're characters from a TV series who've somehow escaped the TV world,

into the real world.

That explains why the dimension cutter said our reality wasn't valid.

I'm not real. I'm a character in a TV series.

I'm not real. I'm not real.

-That explains so much. -I'm not real either.

Does that mean I'm not really this good looking?

Just typical of my luck, isn't it?

Just when things start to go right it turns out that I'm...

I'm not real. Fantastic!

Now sirs, we need clear heads and equanimity.

Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover that we are just

characters in a TV series.

And naturally there's going to be a period of acclimatisation.

But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective.

We're not real! What are we gonna do?

There, I think that's pretty much put in it in perspective.

-Don't you, sirs? -This is too weird for words.

Hey guys, look at this.

Back to Earth. That's the story we're in now.

He's right. Look!

There's no disc in it.

Coming soon, it's not out yet.

Back to Earth takes place after series 10.

Kochanski's dead and the crew are hurled through a portal

and discover they're just characters from a TV series.

Knowing they will die in the final episode.

Die?

The Dwarfers, in best Blade Runner tradition,

track down their creators to plead for more life.

-How are we gonna do that? -Easy.

Hey buds, give us more life. I'm pleading with you. See?

First the crew attempt to track down the actors...

actors who play them in the series and their metaphysical odyssey begins.

All my life I've wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey.

For years I never thought I'd get the chance.

-So what happens next? -Doesn't say, it's a three-parter.

Oh, not a three-parter, I hate three-parters.

What if I'm not in that night?

Say I'm busy? What if...

Oh, I'll tell you what, the toilets here are medieval.

-Bet you felt right at home then. -Oh, there's no toilet paper.

Don't use the stuff these days. Like I said they're a simple people.

They eat Spam.

I mean there I am in the cubicle, no paper, wondering what to do.

I open the door and see this machine on the wall which blows out hot air.

Then I twig.

Tell you what, they've got a different system here.

Different system?

Yeah well, you've gotta wash yourself in one of the sinks

and use the air machine to dry your bum.

-And that's what you did? -No choice.

And those air machines are really high.

It's like you're holding your cheeks apart, jumping up and down,

trying to catch some breeze.

I'll tell you something, they're not friendly round here.

Try and start a conversation and no-one wants to know.

Where's Cat and Kryten?

Gone to get some money. Haven't got a bean between us.

-Money? How are they gonna get money? -Some second-hand shop.

Kryten's gonna try and pawn his head.

-And what about seeing? -Gonna use his spare set of eyes.

-Hang them out of his neck hole. -Oh that's a good look, isn't it?

That's not gonna stand out at all.

-Hey! -Any luck?

They thought we were from a hidden camera show, sir,

and wouldn't take us seriously.

We even offered to throw in one of his legs. Still no deal.

How we gonna trace our creators?

We ain't got not wheels, ain't got no dough.

Money.

I know how we can get money.

How much we got?

We've got 15 combs, 2 mobile phones, 3 packets of gum,

2 condoms, 2 pairs of reading glasses and 19 pieces of popcorn.

I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller or Shergar anytime.

-What about the money? -Yeah, so far we got £19 and 43 pence.

-Now what? -Well, according to this

we get on the Tube and go to a science fiction shop called They Walk Among Us.

RIMMER: This is too weird for words.

-CAT: Hey buds! Check this! -KRYTEN: Look, that's me!

Look at that! And that!

-Listening to music? -No. Why?

(CLEARS THROAT) I was just wondering if you could help us, we're erm...

We're trying to find the guys involved in the making of a TV series

called Red Dwarf.

Uh, we're trying to find out if this is our last show or not.

This is the weird bit like, we're not the actors,

we're the real characters.

There was this kind of dimension thing and...

Dimension skid, was it? Happens a lot this time of year.

One minute you're fine the next...

(MIMICKING A STORM)

"Oh, where where where where"

You're in a new dimension. Gotta be so careful.

Thank God for that. He's insane.

So you're after, like, cast info?

Need some advice.

I can't give you any numbers, but I know a man who can.

EL Presidente of the Red Dwarf Fan Club.

Nothing that guy doesn't know about the small rouge one.

-We've got a fan club? -New guy just taken over.

Bit of a fanatic. Changed his name to Reg Wharf.

People have to call him Mr Wharf.

His sitting room looks just like your sleeping quarters.

Got an H tattooed on his head. He's not like us, he's a bit weird.

Reg, dude. It's Noddy here.

Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.

Uh, guess who I've got standing in my shop?

Go on, guess.

No.

No.

No.

No. Who?

No.

No.

Shall I tell you? No.

No.

Shall I tell you? I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I've got standing in my shop the real, actual crew from Red Dwarf.

Had a bit of a dimension skid. Yeah, that's what I said.

Ah, well, they're trying to find out how many shows they've got left.

Exactly. Need some numbers, know you've got them.

What? Why?

(SIGHS)

Can't give out cast info. Space Corps Directive 596.

596?

(CHUCKLING) Love it when he does this and gets it all wrong.

596.

Space Corps Super Chimps performing acts of indecency

in zero gravity will lose all banana privileges.

No, sir, the crew's files are for the eyes of the Captain only.

-Ah! -So we're smegged?

What's that?

NODDY: That's Dave Lister's bath from season 9.

Best season ever if you ask me. Awesome season. Best by miles.

You were in that. Remember when Kryten ran in

and told you that Kochanski had been sucked out of an airlock?

-Fish scale? - (SNIFFING) Not fish.

Could be a bit of poppadom.

Who doesn't eat a curry in the bath?

Maybe its artificial snake scale from the one the polymorph turned into.

Kryten.

It's got a licence number and a prop maker's name, Swallow.

Hey, hey, I've seen that name here.

LISTER: Hey, here he is.

Swallow & Cast waiting for taxis, fan convention 2009.

Kryten, scan the photo and beam it onto that TV.

RIMMER: Uncrop. Wait, what's that? Frame left.

-RIMMER: That card, zoom in. -CAT: Swallow. Pick up 3:00.

KRYTEN: Must be his taxi.

LISTER: Bet his address is on the other side.

RIMMER: Pull out. Stop. wait, I've got an idea, track in.

Stop. Enhance reflection.

Need a reflective surface to get us back across the street.

Zoom in. Pan right.

See if there are any water droplets on that lamp post.

Got one. Thanks Fido. Zoom 80.

Enhance reflection. Stop. Rotate 170.

Zoom 220.

-CAT: What's that? -RIMMER: Flop.

-KRYTEN: That's the taxi driver. -LISTER: There's the business card.

RIMMER: Zoom 260. Rotate 90 degrees.

CAT: Track in. Swallow's business address.

Sir, wouldn't it have been quicker to look him up in the phone book?

Print me a 4 x 6 and any more remarks like that,

I'll ask for an A3 out of your waste disposal.

Makes latex masks for the film and TV industry.

Specialising in noses.

Maybe we track him down, he'll point us in the right direction.

But sir, how are we gonna get there? That's over 30 miles away.

I know. Holly Hop Drive.

ALL: Back on Red Dwarf.

Uh.

-Matter Paddle. -ALL: It's on the Dwarf.

Time slides where you walk into a photograph and...

ALL: It's back on the Red Dwarf. sir.

NODDY: Got it! Beam there.

-ALL: That's Star Trek, not us. -KRYTEN: No, we don't do that, sir.

All right if you've got no teleportation systems

or anti-matter re-assemblers, no option.

You'll have to catch the bus.

Neurotic. I'm not neurotic.

I've never been neurotic. Neurotic. Neurotic!

Are they insane? Who writes this stuff?

I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid.

Didn't have time. I was too busy washing my hands.

Hilarious. In what way am I hilarious?

Name one way in which I'm hilarious. One, just one. One way.

Well, you're pompous without reason, sir,

and you have hilariously unrealistic life goals.

When I'm Lord of the Star Fleet, Kryten, you'll pay for that remark.

Four for Lumpton Street bus depot please.

LISTER: Hilariously unrealistic life goals.

That's true that, that's so true, that's funny.

-Where's first class? -It's all first class, mate.

Excellent. Looking forward to the complimentary champagne

and little towels.

Look, let's split up so we don't look conspicuous, yeah?

The actress who plays her.

Of course.

She's alive in this dimension, isn't she?

(CHILDREN WHISPERING)

You're Dave Lister, aren't you?

-Yeah. How do you know? -We watch it with Dad on Dave.

-Dave? -The TV channel.

What's it like having a whole TV channel named after you?

-A what? -You're pretty cool.

-Cool? -You don't take any smeg.

That's cool.

And even though you're disgusting, sometimes you're quite brave.

Are you sad about Kochanski?

We were sad, too. So was Dad. Then we worked it out.

-Worked what out? -She is not really dead.

You what?

Kryten was the only one to see her die, right?

See her get sucked out of the airlock. But she didn't.

-She didn't? -Kryten made it up.

-why would he do that? -You were a mess. Falling apart.

Drinking, being daft.

She couldn't bear to stay and watch you die.

And you wouldn't listen so she took a Blue Midget and legged it.

why would Kryten lie to me?

He was only trying to save your feelings.

So you wouldn't feel like a big fat loser.

You've been dumped.

I was dumped once. It was really horrible.

Dumped?

But that would mean... That would mean she was still alive.

She is still alive. I bet you.

She's really good at guessing stuff.

That DVD, Titanic, she knew that ship would sink right from the start.

She could tell.

Even in that Bible film, she said,

-Jesus, he's not dead, I bet ya. -Next series try and find her.

-Get her back. -And kiss her. I would.

There isn't gonna be a next series. I'm a fictional character.

I don't exist.

I think you exist.

-I do, too. -Hey, our stop.

Tell Rimmer he's a smeghead.

Mmm.

You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't.

I here. Cut a second hole.

Science Officer. Excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.

You gave me slip, I know.

You not want to be erased, but you won't defeat me.

-I too smart. -Erase me?

I thought it was murder to kill a hologram?

No. Hologram already dead.

Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine.

Fair enough.

(GASPS)

-Come on, we haven't got all day. -She didn't see that coming, did she?

I did.

CAT: Man, this is too weird for words.

Nose World, here it is.

Maker of latex masks for the TV industry specialising in noses.

Didn't know I could read Chinese.

You really think this guy will be able to help?

He worked on the TV show, we're all fictional characters in,

he's got to know the address of our creator.

Well, say he doesn't?

Well, at least you'll be able to pick up a spare nose.

Ooh!

Hey. That's my coat.

He's wearing my coat. Give me that! Where'd you get my coat?

I get from Red Dwarf Costume Department. End of series 9.

I steal many things, sell on eBay.

I even steal car from Red Dwarf fan club president.

why you here?

Illogical. You should be inside TV.

Questions.

Need answers. How many episodes have we got left?

Is it true we're going to die?

I don't know that stuff.

I just do noses. Latex.

Who does know?

(SIGHS)

Big Boss. He know everything. He big genius.

He make your brain. He make your brain, too.

-It was a Friday. -How do we get to see him?

I know man who know where.

He know Big Boss. He know address.

Oh, so cold.

You said before you stole a car.

Red Dwarf fan club president car.

You want to borrow? All legal.

RIMMER: You can't be serious.

CAT: We're not driving this.

KRYTEN: Sirs, we'll be a laughing stock.

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

(VEHICLE HONKING)

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #