Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds:

Am I under arrest?

You'll have to get me naked to know for sure.

Are you trying to flirt with me?

That's pathetic.

I wanna try living with Mom.

You're throwing me over for the beach?

Location, location, location.

Judah showed me naked pictures of you.

You had this silver-sequined bowler hat.

He swore he'd destroy those.

-This is Lisa. -My mom.

-Do you wanna take a walk? -Yes. Yeah.

-Well, let's go. -Nice.

-Check out sexy. -She's entered this country illegally.

We could bring her back here...

-...if we were coyotes. -I'm in.

Nancy Botwin.

You have four outstanding parking tickets...

...and a strange tattoo on the upper-left cheek of your backside.

You should not be asking questions.

Questions about me.

You must be punished.

Hey.

-Fuck, Andy. -You snooze, you lose.

You need to move out of my house.

Hey, Nance. What time is it?

Time for you to get the fuck out of my house.

Wow, you sound really angry.

Do you need sex? Help you relax.

Because I am willing to whip out my Jeremy Piven right now...

...and give you what you need.

That's how much I care.

The red bra you got hanging in the shower is totally hot.

Jesus, this is a frat house. I'm living in a frat house.

Who buys old dishes?

Well, people collect dishes, corks, old gynecological instruments.

Mom, why are you Googling the mayor of Tijuana?

-What? -The history menu.

It's sandwiched between caffeine side effects...

...and the Ren Mar Unified School District.

It doesn't feel like Silas.

It's important to know our neighbors to the south.

Speaking of which, where's Davenport?

I wanna ask him if he can drywall.

We're gonna be doing some remodeling here.

Thank God. I need my own room.

I can't handle the nightly earthquakes anymore.

-Earthquakes? -I was scratching. I think there's fleas.

I swear to God. Perv, we're in a bunk bed.

-What the hell is wrong with you? -Hey, it's a family tradition.

Okay, Delta pledges...

...stop embarrassing your fellow brethren.

And, freshmen, find somewhere else to scratch your fleas.

I say, tear the place down, start from scratch.

Yeah, you would.

Like all those tasteless assholes up and down the block...

...who replace charming beach cottages with monstrous boxes.

"Oh, we need more room."

Then, work with what you have or fucking move!

I'm just asking for a second bathroom.

-That's okay, then. -You feeling flush?

Bathrooms are expensive, and I need a long tub.

We could save money if we didn't use a contractor. I could do it.

It's a big job, sweetie.

But I'm cheap and I don't ask questions.

You're hired.

You realize it's not our house to remodel. It's Lenny's.

I want my own fucking bathroom.

Jeez. What are you complaining about? We got Celia out of here.

You. Boys.

Boys are disgusting.

Okay, okay, let's settle down.

You got that kind of cash around?

Gonna explore some opportunities.

Oh, my God, he's huge.

-Two weeks old? -Gigantism runs in Clinique's family.

Of course it does.

-God. C-section? -Nope. Shot out like a PEZ.

I got a great pelvis. That's what everybody say.

So, business. How much of the valley do you think you could cover?

I might be coming into some bulk product.

A hundred pounds would be gone in a week.

-Seriously? -You left a vacuum, Nancy.

People are sad. Things are burned. They need their weed.

Okay. Good. Very good to know.

-God, he's huge. -Yeah, tell me about it.

Goodbye, Miata. Hello, minivan.

Fuck your Miata with a strap-on, little bitch. We getting an Escalade.

Let's do this shit.

I have health insurance now and a guesthouse.

But the man, Mr. Caplan, he don't wipe so good.

Always leaving shit slicks everywhere.

ln the underwear, on the toilet seat, the sheets.

I don't know how she live with him.

-You wanna sell drugs? -I have to leave my guesthouse?

I like living in Beverly Hills.

-He's an agent. -Sell to his agent friends.

They like to party with all the money...

...they made off other people's work, right?

Yes, they love to party.

You have cocaine? They like that too.

No. No cocaine. Just pot.

-You should think about the cocaine. -No.

-And the Ecstasy. -No.

Okay. I get that from Geffen's maid.

What? Why are you looking at me funny?

Because you ain't said nothing.

Haven't you noticed something different about me?

I lost 10 pounds.

Oh, right. Of course you did.

Good for you. You look terrific.

Thanks. Feels good. You know...

...finally back to my high school weight.

You should be so proud.

And I bet the women are beating down your door.

Now, that's what I'm hoping for. New town, new pussy.

New customer base.

My cousin Vernon, he'll take care of that. He just need the product.

You sure Guillermo ain't got no connections up there to fuck things up?

-You know, that guy, he made me cry. -Oakland's a long way...

...from Los Angeles, Marvin. You don't have to worry about Guillermo.

Sweet.

Yes, sweet.

Keep the fanny pack tucked inside your hoodie...

...until we're back on American soil.

They have quick hands.

Why can't you buy drugs in the U.S., like a normal person?

Because I have no health insurance, no money, and an arrest record.

Let's look at this as a cultural expedition to a primitive land.

Xanax? Valium? Ativan?

-Restylane. -No Xanax?

No Xanax. Restylane.

Dos cc's.

Where are we gonna live when Dad's FEMA vouchers run out?

-Oh, I'll find a place. -With what money?

With the money I am making from my job.

-As a salesclerk? -Yes.

-And where am I gonna go to school? -I don't know.

Wherever Shane goes. I'll talk to Nancy.

-Xanax? -No Xanax. Restylane.

-Generic cheaper. -Mexican generic, hyaluronic acid.

Do I wanna look like the Joker? No.

No generic.

It's a front, isn't it?

-What's a front? -The maternity store. It's a drug front.

We passed a taco cart. Why don't you get one?

-I don't want one. -Well, I do. Get me one.

Get it yourself. I just spent months getting everything for Dad.

Get me a fucking taco.

Look, you wanted this, not me.

Well, you got it. Welcome to my life.

Broke, homeless, not a man in sight. Although it's not your issue.

No prospects, no direction.

No hope for relief from the crushing defeat and futility...

...and just pure bad luck that is my fate.

Walk with me here, okay?

Arm in arm, mother and child, doomed.

-Xanax? -Yes.

I want some.

I didn't know you were a smoker.

Not for personal use.

I can unload 300 pounds.

You trying to get back in the dealing game, blanca?

I told you, those days are behind you. You're here now.

And I intend to stay here. There's just no reason why I can't do both.

I'll give you a reason. We got it covered.

Not my customer base.

How about you give me their names and their phone numbers?

l'd be happy to service their needs.

What? We partners, right?

Are you gonna give me half?

Well, I was thinking a 1 0 percent finder's fee is generous.

They're my customers.

And you ain't your own business no more.

All right, you're the mom-and-pop shop that got swallowed by the megacorp.

Well, how about I buy some off you...

...for 5 percent over wholesale?

How about I sell you 300 pounds at 25 bucks a gram?

Fuck you, 25 bucks a gram. That's more than street value.

That's my offer, right? You don't like it, do something else.

-You sure about this? -Trust me. It's their home base.

They're always here.

See? Look at this. They're like Jews and wedding hors d'oeuvres.

Hey, that's not cool.

Oh, sorry, man. Forgot you were a Jew.

Should never have said that in front of you.

Hi. We're doing some market research...

...and we wanted to ask you fellas some questions.

We're trying to launch a coyote business.

And we want to know about your immigration experience.

-lmmigration? -Yes, immigration.

That went well.

Well, look who it is, my walking buddy.

Glad you stopped by.

Sometimes a man just needs some cheese.

Well, that's what I depend on.

Men and their need for cheese.

-You're sweaty. -It's hot out. I walked.

No car?

You only interested in guys with cars?

No, no, no. I have my own car.

-Sweet. -Yeah, it's awesome.

Are you making fun of me?

A little.

Where are you going?

I turn 18 in a few weeks.

Be able to vote...

...buy lottery tickets...

...drink, in Canada.

Yeah. I have a 1 0-year-old son.

I know. I met him.

Oh, God, you are so fucking young.

Young and impatient.

I'm not waiting.

-I have a sink in the back. -Sink?

Something to hold on to.

Hold on to me.

Hi, Cesar.

Another unexpected surprise, I know.

Took my car this time, though.

Una favor, por favor.

GPS?

Oh, no. No GPS.

Esteban. I need to hablo with Esteban.

No one here knows an Esteban.

Oh, come on.

It's a common Mexican name. Steven, right?

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.

Does he have a code name?

Please back the fuck off.

-What do you need? -To have a conversation.

-It's business. -You don't do business with him.

Right, because he's the mayor.

Face on all the trash cans, making things better for you.

Well, look...

...you can either bring me to him or I can track him down myself.

Make an appearance at city hall.

I'll make a big scene till I get his attention.

Thank you, Cesar.

Oh, smile. You get to drive a hybrid.

Maria?

-No? -No, sir.

Okay. All right. Gave it a shot.

Who wants another muffuletta?

-Yeah. -Thank you.

Take it. Enjoy.

So, Claudio, you think your friends and assorted relatives...

...might be interested in our services?

A kinder, gentler coyote is a rare thing, El Andy.

How can I be sure you're not deceiving me?

Looking to recruit, transport and harbor my people...

...for the purposes of exploitation or organ theft?

Come on, amigo. Would an organ thief make you lunch?

That is why Miguel has only one kidney.

Really? Oh, you can't tell.

You speak amazing English.

Well, in Colombia, I was deputy transportation administrator.

Let's talk numbers. What's the going rate per smuggle?

Depends on how far they come.

But if it's just for a straight border crossing, usually about 3000.

Per body?

Not bad. Not bad.

And what are the easiest ways to get through?

Truthfully, wait until the border patrol changes shifts and scale a fence.

Or find a place where there's no fence.

-Won't the agents shoot us? -No, it's too much hassle for them.

Blood, bodies, paperwork.

They don't get you in the first two minutes, you're golden.

You know what your real problem is? The Minutemen.

Vigilante. Such pains in the ass.

What the hell?

lf you're trying to snag this remodeling contract out from under me...

...I'll ruin you.

No. No, no, no. Doug and I are just doing...

...some market research. But now that you mention it...

...maybe these fellas can help you out too.

You guys know how to build a bathroom?

With a giant tub?

-Yeah. -Great. Yeah. Cool.

"We are here to inaugurate this mobile medical unit.

It will provide quality medical care to all citizens of Tijuana.

With the violence that we have now, it is very important."

He wants to thank a very generous private benefactor.

He is the generous private benefactor.

I love this part.

The part where you sit there wondering just how fucked you are.

-Well, how fucked am l? -Don't talk.

Talking ruins it.

Go get Miss Hodes a glass of water.

Now, Agent Shlatter.

Yes, sir.

This will serve as official notification that all charges...

...pending against Celia Hodes...

...have been dropped, per my recommendation.

-Dropped. -lnitial the form where it says...

...and be sure to sign on the last page. Then leave it at reception.

Captain Till.

Roy.

Now that this is all over...

...you know, I was wondering, since I'm all the way up here...

-...you know, if you don't have plans--? -I'm seeing someone.

-Thank you. -Goodbye, Miss Hodes.

Esteban Carlos Reyes.

You come from money in Mexico City...

...attended Columbia University.

Go, Lions.

ln 1 990, you bought the largest zoo in Mexico.

Tragic story with the mauled panda. Very upsetting.

You moved to Tijuana in 1 995 to build and manage a casino.

You now own three malls and five hotels...

...all very highly rated on Hotels.com, you'll be glad to know.

ln 2004, you were elected mayor...

...and then you set up the Esteban Reyes Foundation...

...which offers scholarships to underprivileged children...

-...and you once dated Liz Hurley. -Oh, no, we were just friends.

I can only imagine what didn't make it onto the interweb.

But enough about you. Let's talk about me.

Yeah. All right, let's do that.

l now know that I'm O-positive.

-Congratulations. -Yeah.

-Carlos-- May I call you Carlos? -No.

Why not?

What do you want, Nancy?

I want a piece of the next weed shipment.

I can turn it around quickly.

-And you come to me with this? -I do work for you.

You work for Guillermo. There's a chain of command.

-But he said no. -So? Why would you think l'd say yes?

He's just punishing me for getting in trouble.

-And you don't deserve to be punished? -Oh, not like that.

Not by him.

-By me? -Sure. By you, the boss.

Please give me a piece of the next weed shipment.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Mayor.

The cheapest way is to tap into the plumbing through here...

...remove the closest wall and make this the bathroom.

And then we'll knock down this wall first.

Just give me a number.

That's your mom.

What? No.

-Well, then can I have them? -No.

-Come on. I wanna see them. -No.

So, what do you think?

I'll let you know.

Hello?

-Well, what's going on? -Nothing.

-Hi, Mrs. Botwin. -Hi, lsabelle.

What?

Why are you looking at me funny?

-Are these the bathroom guys? -Yeah. This is Claudio.

He was once the deputy transportation administrator of Colombia.

He-- They're working up an estimate.

Well, unfortunately, we might have to wait--

Wait on that.

-Where's Silas? -He went to the cheese shop.

Calcium. That's nice.

Honey, why are you hiding Sammy Davis' autobiography...

...behind your back?

He had a baby with a white woman, Mom.

I found it shocking. He was protecting me.

Okay.

We don't get many bean counters volunteering.

We're mostly servicemen or cops. Or used to be, at least.

Yeah. Well, you know, this has always been a secret dream of mine.

And now with the wife gone...

...I got nothing holding me back. I'm ready to kick ass.

You looking to stimulate the adrenals or you just not like Hispanics?

Well, it's not so much that I don't like them, sir.

It's just that there's a group of people I like more: my fellow countrymen.

Good answer.

We don't tolerate bigotry, officially.

Wish there were more like you, Mr. Wilson.

We're vastly undermanned.

So do we get to pack heat?

Our mission is to secure United States borders and coastal boundaries...

...against unlawful and unauthorized entry.

lndividuals, contraband and foreign military.

Now, if you choose to arm yourself, you do so...

...for the purpose of self-defense only.

But you'll never have to take action...

...because you'll abide by the rules of no contact and no engagement.

-Can I throw rocks? -No, sir.

So how do we nab these fuckers?

We report. We observe. We report.

"Report."

Gotcha.

Like to start tonight? Sun's going down.

It all starts to happen when the sun goes down.

Some crazy shit out there.

Crazy shit.

Hi.

I came to you first.

You said no.

It's just business, Guillermo.

Thanks.