Original subtitles

On the bus is part one, production number 0280, take one.

Shouldn't ask Matt a man out of that.

Well, how about going in for some afters? Come on.

You are a naughty boy.

Am I?

You know you mustn't come in. Why not?

It's three o 'clock.

You shouldn't have brought me home so late.

Well, I got you here at ten o 'clock.

You must go, love.

You're on the early shift.

Not till I pass five.

I'm in condition. I only need a couple of hours, Kip.

Come to think of it, I only need one. Come on, listen.

No.

You'll be a good boy.

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Sure. All right.

Sleep well.

Yeah. Get up, Dorian.

Get up.

I need to turn it off.

Arthur?

Your alarm's going.

It's not mine, it's Stan's.

Aye? Oh, never mind.

Wake up!

Oh, Arthur.

It's only five o 'clock.

Oh.

Shall I take my coat off?

He switched his bloody alarm off.

I'll murder him getting me up this time of morning.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up, will you?

What's the matter with you? The alarm hasn't gone off yet.

It's only woken the old household.

Why do you put it so far away from your bed for? That's right against my wall.

That's a good idea, Senator.

When it goes off, then I have to get out of bed and turn it off.

You mean I have to get out of bed and turn it off? It's been going on for

Blimey, I'm late, then.

Dabby, I couldn't find him.

Oh, Stan, haven't you gone yet?

Well, it's only five o 'clock, Mum.

Oh, dear. When I heard Arthur get up, I thought he was seven, so I got up and

put my teeth in.

Here, what are you doing up two hours early?

I got up to turn his alarm off.

He got home so late he didn't hear it. Oh, Stan, when you're on an early shift,

you should be in bed by ten o 'clock.

He probably was. Then he had to get out again and come home.

And neither do I.

Dory's not that sort of a girl.

Anyway, I wasn't in all that late. What do you mean? Your socks are still warm.

I'm fed up with this.

Having to get up early every morning just because you're too tired to hear

alarm. Your sex life is wearing me out, mate.

What's the matter? Are you jealous of us?

It was all completely innocent, Tom. Yeah.

Well, I do not think it right for a girl to keep her man in her house till three

o 'clock in the morning. It is not proper. Oh, no, it's not proper.

She wouldn't let me stay any longer.

Now, shut up and let me get dressed. It's late. Where's my shirt? Here's your

shirt. Here's your shirt. That's a dirty one. I want a clean one.

Oh, no, wouldn't it, love? I've got a lovely pullover here.

Here you are, love. I washed it yesterday. Put that on. Nothing to do

He's always moaning, this bloke. Well, it's always the same, love. You come

home, I don't know what time it is. Never mind. Well, I don't...

your neck here, dear.

Where? Big red mark there.

Oh, er, that's, er, it's a gnat bite.

Oh, right.

What did you say it was? It's a gnat bite. Do you mind if I have a look? It's

gnat bite.

Gnats do not have four front teeth and wear lipstick.

That is a bird bite.

Oh,

don't say that. Girl bit you.

Well, how would I know? It was in the dark.

Well, it's not right.

Girls didn't bite fellas in my day.

They didn't have many teeth in your day.

Will you stop worrying about me, Mum? It's all right for you, mate. I've now

two hours to do nothing in. I suppose I should just have to go back to bed.

Arthur, I've been keeping your place warm for you.

Aren't you coming back?

On certain thoughts, I think I'll go downstairs and have an early breakfast.

He's frightened of getting bitten.

I just made it. You didn't make it. You're late. I had to sign you in. Oh,

you? Oh, thanks, mate.

You've been with that Doreen bird again, haven't you?

Look at her.

She's wearing you out.

That's three mornings on a trot you've been late. No, I didn't hear the alarm

off. Oh, what's the matter? Doreen forget to wind it up, did she? No, no, I

home. Well, I didn't get home till three.

She's killing you, you lucky blighter.

Now, look here, mate. There's nothing like that between me and her. Nothing?

I say nothing. I mean, Dory's not that cute. You can't rush it with her. Oh,

what a load of boss.

I mean, take that new blonde bit in the office last week. I mean, I got crack in

there within five minutes of her setting eyes on me.

I don't know how I did it.

They must have trod on her glasses.

That's it.

Blitzkrieg.

Have you just arrived, have you?

No, I've been here hours.

I never saw you sign in.

I have.

Have a look, have a look.

He looks quite different this morning. Yeah, that's because he borrowed my pen.

Signed in at 5 .15, did you?

Yeah,

I've been here about, what, 20 minutes?

Well, I never saw you.

Nobody saw you.

Well, I should hope not. I was in the... What's it?

What, 20 minutes in the bulk?

Well, on behalf of the management, may I say greetings and welcome home on your

safe return.

No, past one. The pair of you.

Here.

Don't forget we're on the 11A this morning.

What's that?

We're on the 11A. Do you know the route?

Of course I know the route. I've done it enough times, haven't I?

Love it when I do it with my eyes shut.

The way you look this morning, you probably will.

Got a clean chair for me? Yes. I'll go straight out, I'll get tea.

Oh, ever since you met that Doreen, you took this place like a laundryette or a

cat. You come in, grab your food, grab your washing, and straight out again.

Oh, no, we're using my deodorant first.

And what time may we expect you in this evening?

And what's that got to do with you?

I'll tell you what it's got to do with me, mate. I'm not being woken up at five

o 'clock every morning just because you're too tired to hear your alarm.

I need my sleep. I've put in a hard day's work.

I don't work, you.

Fucking clock on a British rail.

You may scoff, mate. You may scoff.

What's my clock doing down here?

It is remaining down here. If you got the better of the decent air, you

need one. I mean, listen.

only foreign to me.

Here, play it again.

Oh, yes, that's a foreign sound. That's not an English sound. It's not friendly.

Made in Western Germany.

Where's he say that?

Underneath the Union Jack, mate.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah, that's typical of German efficiency, that is, mate. They

make sure their workers get up and go to work on time, boy.

That's why they do so well.

What a lot of rot you do talk. That's not rot.

I'm telling you something. Those fellas have gone up, they've gone out, and

they've bashed out two Volkswagen's while you're still in bed scratching

yourself.

Yeah, well, I do not have to get up at five o 'clock, and if you have to get up

early, you might have consideration for other people and get to bed at a decent

time. Yeah, when I do, you keep me awake all night long.

What the hell do you get up to in your room, then?

Nothing.

I wouldn't talk about you, love.

That sniffing and snorting you do.

I suppose you were referring to my deep breathing exercises.

They happen to be highly beneficial.

Deep breathing?

What for? How do you do that? To ensure a good night's sleep, mate. You inhale

and exhale ten times through each nostril thus.

I'm glad you packed that. It'll have a drive coming through your ear holes.

Yeah, but it works, mate. You should try it. If my head hits that pillow, I get

eight hours uninterrupted sleep. Right, Olive?

Always. Nothing wakes him.

Only his ruddy alarm.

And I'll tell you something, mate. I need that flip to get me up in the

Now then, so shut up.

Blimey, look at the time. I shall be late for Dory. Got my clean shirt, Mum?

Yes, love, it's all over there.

Right, I'll take that.

And I think I'll take my clean pants and vest as well and put them on.

Clean pants and vest? I don't like the sound of that.

Yesterday, and he took a clean shirt.

Yeah. Well, I don't care what he gets up to outside these four walls. He is not

waking me with that alarm clock again.

Oh, you're not going to do anything to it, are you, lad? I mean, look at the

size of his clangers.

You've got a small damn clock. No, I'm just going to adjust it. Make it a

quieter. A little bit more soothing.

Hi, Jack.

Where the hell have you been?

What do you mean, where have I been? I've been in bed, of course.

You've come from that bird again, haven't you?

Look at you, straight from the nest. Your feathers are all rumpled.

I haven't, I tell you, I've been in bed. Oh, don't give me that. Look, I've

still got my pyjamas on.

Oh, it must be true.

You wouldn't be wearing pyjamas if you'd been with a bird.

Not unless you were dead fussy.

Well, have you signed me in? Yeah, I told the inspector you were in the loo.

great thinking, that mate. Great thinking, yes.

Just one thing. What? Look.

What's he doing here? He is waiting for you to come out.

He's been... God knows what he's thinking. You've been in there for over

hour.

What do you think I'm doing? Having a sit -down strike?

Look, you've got to get in there so that he can see you come out.

Now, nip up the side passage and climb through the back window of the loo.

Oh, Bluffing, that's a bit risky, isn't it? Look, Stan, if he finds out that

I've been signing you on, we'll both get the bullet. Now, go on, don't hang

about. Here, and when you come out, act as though you've got the gutsache.

The way I feel, I won't be acting.

Yeah, does he?

He completely knows what he's doing in there, for God's sake.

Look, I've had enough of this.

I'd better sign on two relief crews already since he's been in there.

Look, either he comes out and he goes sick, or he comes out and he goes to

I've had enough of it.

I'm going in to see what he's doing. Hang about.

As shop steward, I'm here to tell you, you are not allowed to go snooping

a men's convenience hounding employees.

It's an affront against human dignity.

He can't stay in here all the blooming morning, can he? I suppose you'd like to

fit time clocks through all the doors, and he could stand out here with a

stopwatch and do a time check.

Stopwatch? The way he's going on, mate, you could do with a calendar.

You nasty little pee -pee Tom!

I was just putting my face on, Mr Blake, when that damn butler comes climbing in

through the window.

Butler, come out of there at once. Come on.

What are you doing in it, for God's sake, man? It's a mistake. All a

I'm telling you. There I was when I saw him in the mirror.

Now give me a nasty turn, I can tell you.

And when I saw you in the mirror, it didn't do me any good either.

You cheeky lad.

With men like him around, a girl ain't safe anywhere.

You are.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Get on your bus, lad. I'll handle him, all right?

Go on.

What are you doing, mate? This could be serious, you know.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

God, blimey, the way she carried on. I'm not one of them mad sex crackpots, you

know. No?

What set have you got on? What set have you got on this here?

Oh, that's my pyjamas.

Are you kinky, Butler?

Look, I'm not kinky. It's all quite innocent.

Innocent? Yeah.

What are you doing?

Busman caught climbing through window.

of Clippy's Convenience wearing pyjamas.

Wait till I read this, mate.

You're not going to send that to the management, are you?

No. The Sunday papers.

Look, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what happened. I climbed through the window

and I thought it was the men's loo.

Well, do you always come through the window, do you? No, only this morning

because I was a little bit on the... Oh.

Oh.

I'm beginning to see what's happening now.

You've signed him in, and you've climbed through that window because you're 40

minutes late, aren't you?

Hey. All right, I overslept.

Yeah. Well, I think the best thing you can do, son, is to go home and have the

rest of your sleep out.

What for?

I'm giving you the rest of the day off. Hey, just a minute. Hang about.

You can't suspend him just like that.

I'm not going to suspend him, son.

You come back here at eight o 'clock tonight, butler.

You're on night duty, son.

Oh, blimey, you can't do that with me. I've got a date with a bird after work.

What, in there?

Either you're on night duty or you come up there and see the general manager.

Well, I suppose we'd better go and do it then, Jack, that's all. Oh, no, no, no,

no, no. Not Jack, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no, I'm not having him sign in here again, though.

No, I'm not daft, mate. I may be silly, but I'm not daft.

Now, look here.

You can go on that number nine bus over there, Jackie boy.

It's due out in ten minutes. Oh, good. I don't have to do nights with Stan,

then? No, you don't have to do nights with Stan, mate.

You can do them next week.

I've had a lovely day today.

Can't you tell the difference between the men and the women?

Why don't you look through the window? I did.

And then when I saw all the writing on the wall, well, naturally, I thought it

was ours.

What's up, Israel, on the wall? You're joking, mate.

They're worse than us. Go on.

They don't only write, mate, they do drawings as well.

There's a drawing in there. I haven't got time now. I'd better nip over it and

keep it. I'll tell you later on.

Not six o 'clock yet. You wake Stan.

You must have a good day's sleep.

I keep forgetting.

You wake him.

Don't clamp about like that.

Take your shoes off. I have taken my shoes off.

Oh, well, I suppose you've just got blooming heavy feet.

What? Hold it.

What do you leave your shoes lying around in your forehead?

I nearly killed myself.

Don't you shush me. How typically are you leaving stuff about?

Shh, don't make so much noise.

What are you all whispering about? Have you got laryngitis or something?

Night shift.

Night... Well,

I ought to shoot him. Lately he's been working harder at nights than he has

during the day.

At least I can watch my television in peace tonight.

Shh! Don't switch on the telly. He's bound to hear it.

All right, so I'll shut the door. Oh, that's a good idea.

Ouch!

to get some tipping. I've only got two hours. You've got me up two hours early,

mate. Well, that's fair enough. That's what you've been doing to me every day

this week. Oh, look, love, you can watch the telly later.

What, I missed my wrestling? Why should his night shift interfere with my

pleasure? Because it interfered with my pleasure. If I don't get my sleep, I

won't be able to wrestle with Doreen, will I?

Now, keep quiet and let me get some tipping. All right, love, I'll speak to

Here, have a nice, quiet read of the paper, dear.

I'll try not to rustle it. It might wake his lordship.

Oh, I'll make you some tea, Arthur. Would you like a nice fried egg?

No, it's a good idea.

Careful how you crack the egg. Don't make too much noise.

She wouldn't do that, lad. She lost all her crap once she broke the bacon.

Oh, hello, Mrs B. I've just come round to see Stan.

Oh, lad, you must be all around now.

Oh, it's you, is it? Oh, you're up. I thought you might still be asleep.

Asleep? What, in this house? They make enough noise here to wake the dead,

Here, do you manage to get in touch with Doreen?

She hasn't finished till nine o 'clock, does she?

She's murdered, it is.

Here, I'll tell you what you do.

Nip round on your bike tonight. Tell her I won't be able to see her, will you?

Yeah, OK.

Yeah, 14 Villiers Road she lives. Tell her I'll see her sometime tomorrow.

Yeah, sure.

Fed up with it.

She's working all day long and I'm working all night. Oh, well, never mind,

love. It's only for a few weeks.

You know, when the war was on, your dad was on night shift for five years.

We both worked in the same factory.

The only time we saw each other was in the air raid shelter.

And you know, if it hadn't been for the German bombers, Olive might never have

been born.

Oh!

Did you hear that, Arthur?

Yeah. Hitler had a lot to answer for, didn't he?

Put your egg on, love.

Yeah, just lightly boil it this morning, will you, Ma? I'm feeling a little

queasy. Right -o, love.

Oh, there's Stan.

I wonder how he got on.

Morning, Mum. Hello, love.

Ah, all that night work gets me in at my time.

You got me grub ready, then? Oh, lovely, all off. I'm keeping it in the oven.

Ah, lovely.

How's it going, Hartle, mate?

Did you have a nice hard night's kit, mate, ready for hard day's work?

Do you mind not being so arty?

I'm not my best in the morning.

Ah, that comes from looking in the shaving mirror, mate.

There's your boiled egg.

And there's your dinner stand.

Oh, look at that.

Steak and kidney pudding, Arthur, mate.

My favourite.

Boy, am I going to do that justice, love.

You do not intend to eat in that this time of the morning, I hope. Of course I

do. I have a good nush up, don't I, after I've finished work?

Nice cup of tea, love. Oh, Mum, no. It's no better than that. Cup of tea? What,

with steak and kidney pudding?

Oh, no, no. What are you going to get?

What are you getting now? I don't know. He is a boy, you know.

No, we'll have a nice glass of stout, will you?

Stout?

Here's your fancy one, mate.

Oh, thank you. You put me off my tea.

I'll put a nice hot water bottle in your bed, love. Oh, don't worry about that,

Mum. I'm going straight out after I've had my grub.

Going out? Yeah, I'm going to try and catch Dory before she goes to work.

But, love, it's half past seven in the morning. She might still be in bed.

That's what he's hoping.

Oh, Dan, it's not decent going to a girl's house at that hour in the

Oh, no, but it's different than when Dad was on night work, isn't it?

Aye. Well, we haven't got air -raid shelter.

Oh.

We,

uh, we caught you with a milkman.

Did you?

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, uh...

That message you asked me to bring round, well, I couldn't get round last

so I popped round this morning.

Oh, I see. Darling!

I'm coming, love!

Not you, she means me.

Hurry up, sweetheart, I've got our breakfast ready.

Breakfast?

Oh, I get it. Now, Sam, don't get excited.

What do you mean, don't get excited, mate?

We're mates, aren't we?

Oh, yeah. I mean, think of the number of times I've signed you in.

And now you've signed yourself in.

Extra couple of points.

Because I suppose you need the extra energy.

Oh, get inside, Jackie, darling. Your breakfast is getting cold.

Nah.

My drivers are always right. They always say, never trust your conductor, mate.

Sorry, Sam, mate.

But it's not my fault if you're too slow on the accelerator, is it?

Marvellous, isn't it, eh?

I do all the driving and he comes along and collects the fare.

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