Original subtitles

[SUBTITLES BY EDISON]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

-Mr. Lea? -Oh!

Yes, sir.

I'm, Mr. Maidment, your chief Examiner.

I'm afraid I shan't be able to take you.

But I've managed to get somebody else.

Oh, good.

This is Miss,

Miss. Adez.

Mr. Lea.

Mr. Lea, shall we proceed?

Oh, yes, please. Ha.

Ah, I mean.

Yes, madam.

This way.

[MUSIC]

[CAR REVS AND HORN HONKS]

GROANING]

So, if Timmy passes his drivers instructors exam, you'll be off then.

I don't know what it'll be like without you.

Well, the house will be like a tomb!

You won't, you won't lose touch completely, will you?

Oh, Mum it's only on the other side of town.

-Twenty minutes on the train. -Oh.

I mean just think.

A driving school with a little par de terre above it.

A what?

A flat, mum.

[GIGGLES]

you know it's just what we need now that Jason's growing so fast.

What about my, Timmy?

Oh! He can stay with us.

There be room in the flat. Won't there?

well.

yeah.

[GIGGLES]

Well, I haven't actually seen inside yet.

here!

I thought you said it was palatial?

Yeah, it is from the, from the outside.

Fella took me round after dinner.

-No. -What?

you were pissed then?

Ah, but... -Rosie, that's not very nice.

Well, it's true!

You know, it took two of this mates to hold him up when he proposed.

Argh!

Well, you know it's my, Timmy I'm worried about.

He's never been away from home before.

Oh, don't worry about Timmy Mum.

You know, he's much more responsible these days.

[CAR BACKFIRES]

Ha, ha, ha.

How'd I do?

Congratulations, Mr. Lee you're now a fully qualified driving instructor.

What!

Wey!

Ha, hay!

Mind you,

when Timmy starts being responsible, that's the time to start worrying, eh?

-Yeah. -Something always happens, I tell ya.

-Bmp, argh! -Oh, bloody hell!

See what I mean?

-Sorry, Sid. -Right.

But I did it!

-What? -I'm a daddy!

Oh, no!

Here, It's not that girl from the news paper office, is it?

Oh, God!

No Mum, it's not. Er, er, A, D, E, A, D, I!

A Department of the Environment Approved Driving Instructor!

Oh, my, Timmy. Ooh to think, Timmy's part of the environment.

-Oh! -Here, there ain't many in the street,

can say that, love! [GIGGLES]

Ah, well, certainly not dad, eh!

Tried to get though that hallway, lately, have you?

Ah, he'll be glad of the extra space. Now that we've gone.

Well, he have some were to put all that junk, he keeps on,

bringing home from the lost property office.

Here, are!

He's nice, isn't he, eh?

He'll be company for, Freddie.

Freddie? That's what he calls his, Gorilla!

Here! They didn't leave that at the lost property office?

Nah, I found it abandoned in the hight street!

Oh.

Abandoned! God! That was put there to collect for charity.

Got a colecting box, dad.

Yeah! It's a bit of a mistake, that.

I recon, he breaks up the natural look of the thing.

It's full of money, that.

-Oh, Walter. -Dad

Yeah, well, I'll, I'll tell you what I'll

put it towards some lessions with you two, alright.

Ah, well, well, in that case, er, that's different isn't, eh?

Well, least we start off will one customer!

I can't wait! Is it good this place?

Good! Good!

Ha, ha. Just wait to see it.

[CARS HONKING HORNS]

I hear that crook, Dumphrey found some half-wit

called, Noggett to sell out to before he disappeared.

That won't be any threat to us, Mr. Truscott. Ha.

Thanks to your efforts I think I can safely say

the "Truscott Driving School" is second to none. [GIGGLES]

Thank you, Bender.

Nevertheless, it beholds us not to sit on our laurels.

Oh, absolutely, I wouldn't dream of sitting on anybody's laurels. [GIGGLES]

Especially ours! [SNORTS]

Does that marylebone institution still have any clients left?

Morry who, sir?

Dumphrey outfit, do they still have and clients?

Dumphrey outfit has one or two, I should think. [GIGGLES]

Awfully sorry, sir.

I will, take the initiative! Sign those clients up.

Oh, brilliant, sir, brilliant!

nature abhors a vacuum, Bender?

[FRONT DOOR BELL RINGS]

Sorry?

Gosh. I'm awfully sorry. I'm late, daddy.

Can I leave my stuff in here?

[MR. TRUSCOTT] By all means, my dear.

-Hello, Mary. -oh, er, hello, Tony.

Mended your rugger shirt.

Oh, thanks a lot. Ha.

Super-trier you scored!

Which one sweetie! [SLAPPS HER TWICE ON THE BUM]

Just because your daddy invested in this business

for you does not give you the right to be overly familiar, Bender.

I'm dreadfully sorry, Mr. Truscott. I didn't mean any offence.

I, I'll go and wash my hands!

Er, what happened to the tea, Mary?

No, I was just popping out for some milk, daddy.

Oh, bring the client figures when you get

back. I want to get my charts up to date.

Gosh, how super! Looks as though we've got to new customer!

Argh, it's great isn't it, eh?

[GIGGLES]

Our own business again!

Just like when we were cleaner windows, kid!

Oh, yes, Sid.

Oh, it's handsome isn't it, eh!

Do you know what, I just knew it had great possibilities,

you know. The moment old, Dumphrey drove me past it.

Dumphrey!

Yeah, yeah, I'll have to change the name.

What?

Oh, hello.

Oh!

Do go in and make yourselves at

home. I was just popping out for some milk.

I won't be a minute!

Cool! Thank you.

Here, Sid, she was nice! Does she come with it!

You better ask her. Hadn't you, eh.

I haven't met any of my staff yet!

Oh well, thanks for letting me stagger here with, Jason!

-Eh? -Oh, were's the flat?

Oh, one thing at a time, love.

I've gotta get this place straightened out first! Haven't I.

Well look, Jason can't wait. He's got to have his nappy changed.

-Er. -Oh, look,

I'm gonna go down to the, Chemist, and get some nappy linners.

Yeah.

Sid, what are you talking about? This place is fantastic!

No, no, no! Kid, it's far to fussy!

What I'm looking for is a clean, sort of functional.

You know, almost, Swedish sort of look.

My God, I, look at that, diabolical geeza there, eh!

He's got to go for a start off!

-Er, Sid? Are you sure we... -Eh?

Look! Don't just stand there, son. Do something!

Will you make yourself useful? Take that er, that thingy there.

-What the aquaium? -That yeah. That's it. Yeah.

Take it upstairs to the flat, put it in, Jason's room. Right!

Right, Sid.

[GROANS]

Argh!

Ooh!

Bloody!

Oh, Sid help. [GROANS]

You silly, eh. Give it to me.

-[MOANS] -Look out!, Let go of it will ya!

-Get your hand off of me! All right I've got it.

-I've got it. -All right, Sid.

Oh! No. No. Here. Here!

-Quick get hold of it. -No, Sid. Argh!

What's going on? Argh!

-Let's go and see. Hand it to me. -Ooh, ooh, argh! Help, help!

-Get it, -Argh!

get it, quickly! Get it out!

Get it out! Get it out!

Oh, my Guppies! My Guppies!

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER] - Oh, oh, the fish!

What the devil's going on there?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oooh! Ah! Ooh!

Sid, I found it!

I think I've got it?

Mary!

You unmitigated bounders!

Oh, morning.

[Nervious laughter]

-Ooh! -Ooh!

-Get it out. Ooh! Yes i've got it! -Ooh!

-Ooh! -Mary!

My portrait in genuine oils!

Ah, kills the personality's over bigot!

Well, come on bobby, don't just stand there

gawking give us a hand to get this mess cleared up!

-I've got it.slippery little devil. -Oh!

You! You!

I hope you don't stutter like that, when you're working for me mate!

Oh, god blimey, it's not very nice for the customers is it. hey?

-[LAUGHS] -Here we are!

[ROSIE] Sid!

Eugh!

-Sid! -I said later, love! Later!

I'll show you the flat later. ow!

This isn't it!

Look, love I said i'll show you the bloody flat later!

Can't you see I'm up to me eyes in it?

[BABY CRYING]

What isn't it?

The "Dumphrey School of Motoring," is next door. Isn't it!

[SID] What!

You're in the wrong driving school.

Yes, well er, there seems to have been a bit of, er...

[LAUGHING]

-Sorry about that. [LAUGHS] -Shut up!

Oh listen. Er, oh, this is probably yours, sir. [SNORTS]

[SID] Ah, bloody hell. Look at the state of this place.

That dirty crook, Dumphrey! Eh?

Show me one place, then selling me this load of old rubbish.

Yes, well, it's, er...

Oh, ha, it's not exactly the British School of Motoring is it, Sid?

Ha, bloody, ha!

Ah, ooh!

Morning all. Tea's up!

Ah, ta, Avril. Well at least he left us his knockers!

Erm, Secretary.

come on, get, get out.

It's not a bad little flat.

But there's only room for us, and Jason.

You like a cup of tea, love?

Cup of Tea? I haven't got time for a cup of tea! I've got to clear up.

Here, and what we gonna do about, Timmy?

We can't let him sleep down here.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go back to, mum and dad won't I?

My mom has lodges, you can come and stay with us.

Ooh, yeah, suppose I could.

You'll be on the job much quicker, if you come with me!

Hm. It sounds like an offer you can't refuse, Timo.

Oh! Well, that's settled then, isn't it.

Well, I'd better get back to our palatial flat!

Look, Avril, you don't have to know where this Dumphrey geezer hangs out do you?

Oh yes! He sent me a nice postcard today!

Yeah, were from?

Australia.

Oh, bloody creep! I hope he gets jumped on by a kangaroo! Oww!

Hm, did he leave any customers behind?

Oh yes, I've had two of them ringing up today,

asking him when the new management's taking over.

Oh, well, thank god for that!

Get them laid on for this afternoon, will you.

What they like?

There's, Miss Slenderparts, and a Mrs. Hargreaves.

Miss. Slenderparts!

Sounds interesting! Er, mature is she!

very!

Ah!

[SID GIGGLES]

Right!

I will immerse myself in this lady!

Oh, Sid, surely.

I have spoken! Timothy! You shall take Mrs. Hargreaves,

and I shall take, Miss. Slenderparts.

Oh, good afternoon, madam.

Welcome, welcome to, the "NogLEA School of Motoring."

Ooh!

We teach you things, that other driving schools,

don't even know exist!

Ah, Mrs. Hargreaves, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Lea.

He's going to be your instructor.

Oh, wonderful!

ah, no, no. There be a change of plans.

I will have, Mrs Hargreaves!

You can take, Miss. Slenderparts.

No, but, Sid.

Hello! Ah!

It's all right, Miss. Slenderparts, Mr. Noggett is waiting for you.

Hello. I hope, I'm not late?

I've just had a long session, with a vicar!

[SID LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Well, hang on a minute, I think there's

-been a bit of a mistake. -[ROSIE] Sid!.

-[ROSIE] Sidney! -Oh?

The toilet's in the garden!

Well, don't worry, love. I'll move in a minute.

Er, oh! [Laughter]

Er, now, Timothy, I insist that you take, Mrs. Hargreaves,

and I will take, Miss. Slenderparts.

But, Sid you, er... There's nothing more,

to be said Timothy, nothing more.

Oh but, it, er, Miss. Hargreaves.

-Ta-ra, Rosie. -Good luck.

Goodbye, Sid!

Are we ready to go, madam?

Rather! I'm raring to go!

I put something warm on!

[SID LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I hope you've got nerves of steel, young man?

Well, I...

Forgive my shopping! Won't you?

Well, shall we go? After you.

-Thank you. -There you are, madam!

Mr. Dumphrey said she was the reason he was

emigrating! She's failed her test 43 times!

-Oh, my God! -[MISS. SLENDERPARTS KNOCKS]

So, ah, ha, ha, ha. There you are, madam.

[MUSIC]

I think the best thing we can do, is go to the correct procedure,

for pulling away from the curb.

It's lovely up here, isn't it?

Yes, very nice.

[Laughs]

Yes, well, first of all we check in our mirror, don't we!

I normally do that afterwards.

No. I was referring to, checking in your mirror to see if

anything was coming up behind.

-[TIMOTHY LAUGHS] -I see.

If you don't mind me asking, how many

-lessons have you had? -Er, only one.

We did lowering, and raising the front

seat! It was ever so exciting!

Would you like me to show you?

Well, yes, er, no erm, ooh!

There's so little to do around here, if you don't play bridge!

But! But!

Oh, come on! Who knows, I might even book a course of lessons!

-I can see you mean business! -Ooh!

Ooh!

[GROANING]

[MUSIC]

[GROANING]

-You can drive me anytime! -Yes, madam.

-Anytime! -If I can, unbuckle my...

[GROANING]

-Oooh! -Argh!

-Ah! Mmm! -Ooh!

Giddyup! Oh, well, whats this?

-[HITS HORN] -You mind your horn!

-Get me off me horn. - ah, ah!

Hang on I still got me...

-Blimey! It's the Police! -Ah!

It's the Police!

Mmm!

-Oh! -What's the matter?

I've been arrested by the fuzz already!

Oh!

Have we lost them yet?

Yes! They've turned off.

Which is more than I can say for myself!

We have some unfinished business to attend to!

I'll pull in over there. Looks quite, quiet.

Now look, are you sure this is a good idea?

-Oh, come on let's go in there. -Where?

-There. -You're mad!

-Come on. -Where, where are you taking me?

Get the, careful. You're mad!

But I, don't mind. I'll, forgive you.

Just this, oh! Ah, ah!

Just close the door. There we, go!

-Argh! Argh! -Ah, ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! I've got a splitter in me bum! Ah!

Right, then lads, come on, get to work. All of ya!

[INDISTICT CHATTER]

Take her up, Nikki! Righto boys.

[INDISTICT CHATTER]

Go on, right up!

[RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC]

Ah, hello.

Oh dear, you better have a quick

bath! Mom's almost got the meal ready.

Thank you very much. Right.

Oh, it's nice to have a manly appetite,

around the house again. Isn't it, Avril?

Yes mum.

Avril's father had a lovely appetite, until the sea took him from us!

Don't expect you can remember him, can you, Avril?

I remember some of his friends, better mum.

Hm. Erm, more, Mr. Lea?

Oh! No ta. Enough, thank you.

-Avril? -No thanks, mum.

could you force down another, eclair?

oh yeah, smashing! Thank you.

[GIGGLES]

If there's anything you want, anything at all!

You only to ask! Hadn't he, Avril?

[MUSIC]

-Oh! Oh! Sorry I, er... -Ah! Ah!

Oh! oh, oh! I'm terribly sorry. Hm. Oh, oh.

[FAKE LAUGHTER]

If your excuse me, I'll go and take another bath.

Funny boy!

[MUSIC]

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

-oh! -I made myself a cup

of, Ovaltine. Would you fancy one?

Oh! Smashing, yes.

Is their room?

Well, there is at the moment! Ha! Ha!

Oh, ta.

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Cheers! -All the breast! I mean...

-Oh, cheers. -Ooh, Er.

-It's a bit hot isn't it? -Yes.

Oooh! Erm,

-that's a fantastic nighty! -Do you like it?

Oh, yes! It's got a sort of erm, oh, er, sorry.

Now, look what you've done!

I'm sorry! It just sort of, er...

Aren't you going to do it up again?

Of course I am. Of course I am.

Right. There we are.

Ooh yes! There we are! Ha. Ha!

Why don't you take it off?

Oh yes! would be easier.

[MUSIC]

Timmy.

-It's mum! -Oh, erm...

Well, get down!

Oh!

Come in.

I, er, hope I'm not disturbing you?

It's a little chilly tonight, and I

thought you might like something to warm up the,

cockles! As they say.

Oh! That's very kind. Hey! Oh, oh, oh!

-Shall I pop it in for you? -No!

Well I mean. No, thank you. I know,

just where i like it.

[GIGGLES]

-[AVRIL] Ah! -Oh! [COUGHS]

-Are you alright? -[CLEARS THOAT]

Oh. Definitely! Erm...

Well, I suppose I'd better be going. Ha!

I expect you'll like my, Avril she likes,

getting her head down.

oh, oh, oh. Does she really! [GIGGLES]

Er, erm, good night Mrs. Chalmers.

Ha, ha. Good night.

Good night.

-Good night. -Night.

Funny boy!

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

Ah!

Oh, hello.

Ooh blimey! It's, Maid Marion!

Off to shoot your lunch are you?

Erm, listen, I'm sorry about that mixed up

at the office.

Ah! How your guppies?

Oh they're fine, thanks.

Swing about their new tank, like billyo!

-Oh, super! -I say, I want you to do me a favor?

Of course!

Well, could you stick this up?

Pardon?

-Oh! I see. What? -About the rugby match at

the club. It'll be super fun! You must come!

I'll never forget, when tony took me to

see the bar bars at twickers, and we got

fizzers on shampoo! [GIGGLES]

Ooh, ooh! I say!

Yes. I adore, rugga types! do you play?

Me! Rugby? Ooh, yes.

-Argh - Ooh, madam!

-Oh. -Terribly sorry!

Er, do you think you could give me a hand?

Help me off with this.

-Right! Mind your guppies! [LAUGHS] -Oh, thanks.

I say. I wonder could you help me?

You see, Tony was supposed to pick me up and take

me up to the rugged club to practice my archery. Well,

he seems to got held up.

You mean, you can't drive?

No. Failed my test twice.

You can imagine, what a goose, I feel.

-Well, we'll take daddy's car. -Ooh, right.

To, Sherwood!

You will be careful, won't you?

The Bentley's daddies pride and joy!

You'll rely on me!

-I think. Ah. -Do be careful!

[TIMOTHY] There we are.

-Er, hm. -The bits and pieces.

-Stick them in the back. Ha. Ha. -Okay.

In you get madam.

[HUMS A TUNE]

Olé!

[MOUTHS MARY]

Mary! Mary!

Oh. Oh, this is too much!

Hm! Damn the fellow!

Er, Mr. Truscott. Mr. Truscott. I, I've locked myself out!

-[STRAINING] - Ah, ah.

Have you ever done, like this before?

-No. -The pygmies can get it,

further you, using this method.

[GROANING] Oh, this shenanigan can stunt your growth!

-Ah. Can you stretch it further? -Ooh!

No! I can't get it up any more!

-Argh! Yes! -Ready? Right, now!

-Oh! Here! Good shot Mary! -Thanks.

-Where did yours go? -Ooh

What are we going to do now?

Oh, Well I'm going to go back to the office, and get changed.

Sid's arranged for me to take a, Miss.

Slenderparts out for a lesson.

Yes, I know her she used to be with us.

Oh dear. Yes. Well, Sid said she's very nice,

and a very good pupil.

She's only taken her test forty three times. Ha!

-Are you all right, dear? -Oh, yes, thanks.

I've been through all the instructor,

at the "Truscott Driving School" as well you know.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, really, yes. well, safety, er, belt fastened?

Oh, yes. I know my driving code.

Clump clip every trip. Unforgettable!

Yes! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha!

Right, [CLEARS THROAT] now I'm sure i don't have to,

er, remind you of the correct procedure,

for pulling away from the curb.

Which curb do you mean, dear? No don't

tell me let me guess! Oh I see. Yes.

No. No. This one.

-Yes! -Oh!

That was a, teeny, weeny, bit impulsive. Wasn't it?

-Oh, was it [LAUGHS] -Yes. let's, let's take it nice and gently. Eh.

Right [LAUGHS]

Right! Now, change down as you approach the zebbra crossing.

Righty-ho!

Argh! You stupid old cow! Oi!

I said, change down. Not charge down!

-Oh. Sorry. -[GIGGLES]

Yeah! [CLEARS THROAT]

Now. Now, change down as you approach this corner.

Yes.

-You can see the corner, can't you? -Yes. Yes. Why?

Can't you?

Clutch. Clutch! Clutch!

I am clutching, as hard as I can!

Not that kind of clutch you silly old! Ah. Silly, silly old you.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh. You must remember to press down with your foot.

-Which foot? -Well, the left foot.

-The left. -Left.

-And the right? No! -No. No. No. No.

Not the right. The left. Do we go right, or left?

-The left! -Left, right?

No, no. the other right!

-No! Not on the grass! -Hadn't we'd better...

[INAUDIBLE]

now, pull to the right of this cyclist.

-The other right! The other right! -What other right?

There is no other right?

Sorry, darling. Sorry.

That's quite all right, dear.

-[TIMOTHY GIGGLES] -Don't blame yourself!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Miss. Slenderparts, when I want you to do

an emergency stop, I will tell you.

-Please do. -Thank you. Thank you.

Now, we're here. We might as well do some reversing.

Oh, good this is where I came before, you

know with that nice, Mr. Noggett.

-Oh, really! -[GIGGLES]

Oh.Yes. Well, on second thoughts,

we'll give reversing a miss.

Oh, blow! I was looking forward to reversing.

It's my strong suit!

-Oh. Yes, well. [CLEARS THROAT] -[BOTH GIGGLES]

We'll, er, just keep to straightforward driving. I think.

Yes.

Shall we try a little bit of overtaking, now. [CHUCKLES]

Right. Shall I do it now?

Yes. Now, as long as you're sure it's safe!

Oh. Yes, it's as safe as houses!

-No! -[VAN HONKING HORN]

Oh, I can't see the clock, with his stupid wheel in the way.

What is the time, exactly?

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Ooh!

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Oh, crikey! The dual contols gone!

-Oh, yes. Is that important? -Ah. Ah.

-Oh, No. No! -[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Argh!

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Ha. Ha!

Ha. Ha!

-[TIMOTHY LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY] -You're a happy person, aren't you?

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Mr. Lea, don't you think I'm a smidgen too

near the vehicle in front?

A smidgeon? Yes! But don't worry about it.

Oh, good. I like taking lessons with you. You know.

You give me confidence! [BOTH CHUCKLE]

You flaming half-wit! Coming back on a,

bloody transporter! What are you trying to do! Ruin me?

-Eh! Ah. Ah! -Wasn't my fault Sid!

-Oh. No! Ah!

Listen! Anyway. Save a few bob on petrol, eh? [LAUGHS]

Don't get funny with me, son!

It's a bloody miracle, the press didn't get hold of this! You know.

I mean. Timmy, your got to pull yourself together! kid.

NogLEA, could be really big business! You know.

I've already knocked off a couple of, Truscott's customers today!

-But, oh, yeah! Go on. -Well ,look there you go,

Sid! Maybe, we should think about joining up with them. Eh?

That, is not a bad idea! You ought to stay in, with that, Truscott, bird!

Oh, hello love! It's nice to see you again!

Here. Everything going all right. Is it?

Well, it could be. If it wasn't for the curse of the, Lea's, here!

Yeah er, [CLEARS THROAT] Er, I've brought you something mum.

Oh, ooh, thanks, love. Here what is it?

Er, well, it's a bit of washing! Mum.

oh, ain't you got a laundrette near you?

Yeah! But they won't take his, unless he washes it first!

-Ooh! -Do you mind!

Eh, hello, Freddie.

Er, dad's still at work is he, then mum?

No, love. He's upstairs.

He's had one of his turns.

Yeah. Like, when he turns over and says, "bugger it I'm not gonna work today!"

-Sid! -Eh?

Time for a nice cup of tea. Have you love?

No, not for me, mum I've gotta go around the,

Truscott's place for a drink, and pick up, Mary!

-Ooh! -I say! How

absolutely spiffing!

Well, don't knock it, Sid! It's gonna give

me a chance to charm, Miss. Truscott out of her mind.

-Ah! -Ah!

-Oh, mum! You spilt it! -[SID LAUGHS]

[INCOHERENT CHATTER)

All right?

-Are you enjoying it? -Fine. Lovely time.

[INCOHERENT CHATTER)

-Do you have everything you want? -Yes, fine.

I didn't quite regognise that lady there.

-Here you are, mumzie, daddy. -Oh, thank you, dear.

And voila, Mrs. Truscott!

-[LAUGHINGLY] oh, sorry. -Oh.

Mmm. Quite a lively little wine.

Good body. Excellent finish.

You must envy it, Henry!

Ha! That's frightfully funny, Mrs. Truscott.

[CACKLES AND SNORTS]

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

-Oh, who's that? -Oh, that'll be, Timmy.

I'll go and let him in.

-Timmy? -They're one of those 'NogLEA' types

that took over from, Dumphrey, Mrs. Truscott.

Awful outsider! Dreadful person! [SNORTS]

Timmy, the point being you should...

-I'm so sorry. -It's my pleasure!

Mumzie. This is, Timothy Lea. Mumzie?

Oh! I'm frightfully sorry.

-Hello. -Hello. [CHUCKLES]

See what I mean, Mrs. Truscott.

Er, ah. What do you feel like, Timothy?

[COUGHS] Shall we try the 69 together?

Hello! Mary?

[MRS. TRUSCOTT]Oh. Hello, how nice. I'm glad you could come.

Here!

[INAUDIBLE]

Savour it. But, don't swallow it immediately.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Ah!

Well! Well! Hello leak!

I must say I never thought I'd ever see you here!

Oh, don't be say beastly! Tony.

What's the matter? Lost your tongue! [SNORTS]

-hm. -Sorry?

[MUMBLING]

Oh, come on then, were are your manners?

It's not my fault. Not my fault at all.

You filthy bounder!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Now then, Bender. Control, Bender, control.

Yes, sir. Sorry,sir.

-Steady the puffs. -Than you, sir.

No!

-Argh! -For goodness sake!

-Sorry, Sir. Eh.

-Every, sorry everybody! -Yes, Sir.

I Say. Touch of the old, Malaria!

-[COUGHS] -Yes, Sir. I'm frightening sorry,

about that, sir.

All over my suit.

-[MRS. TRUSCOTT] Oh, goodness! -I'm sorry, Mary!

I wish I could get you on a rugger field!

-It wasn't my fault! -Timmy.

-Yes? -Your flies are undone.

Eh, listen, Mary. Erm, why don't we go

away, and have a nice quiet drink somewhere?

-Oh! -Oh!

Oh. Im terribly, sorry! Lovely party! Thank you, very much!

-Food, was delicious. -Timmy.

Yes. Well, I understand the poor boy has a

history of, er, tablecloth, eh!

Cheer up! There wasn't much broken.

Is there something else bothering you?

Do you really fancy that, Bender guy?

Well, you know how it is? Sort of get into things!

-Yeah! -I think dad is pretty keen!

Well, why doesn't your, daddy marry him, then?

Ha, ha. Timmy.

You still haven't answered my question?

Oh. Take the next turning on the left.

It's rather nice down there!

Right!

[MUSIC]

Ooh, Mary you must realize the way I feel about you?

Oh, gosh! Yes, well, I'm begining to get the idea!

Golly! Hope you're this fast on the, rugby

-pitch! -[BOTH LAUGH]

Er, what position do you play?

Oh, er, position? Erm,

-inside right. -No that's not a rugby position.

Oh. Well, what about right inside then.

[BOTH LAUGH]

-Hmm. -Oh.

Hm.

-Oh, gosh it's a nice pair, -Oh.

-What? -Trousers!

-Ah, oh, yes! -Oh!

-Timmothy? -Ooh. They're my best pair!

-Oh! -Mmm!

[MUSIC]

-Hm. -Oh. [GROANING]

-Don't. -Don't what?

-Don't stop! -Oh, right.

Ooh, Timothy!

-Ooh, Timotht, I... -[GROANING]

-Gosh how rude! -Oh, sorry.

[LAUGHS]

[MUSIC]

[SPLASHING SOUND]

[MARY] Ooh! Ah! Timmy. oh!

-[MR.TRUSCOTT LAUGHING] -[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]

-Morning, Mr. Truscoott. Ooh! -Morning sunny boy!

Come here. Have you seen the morning paper?

-No, sir! -[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, that'll put the kibosh, on

those, "NogLEA" bounders! Once and for all!

[LAUGHING AND SNORTING]

Oh, Mr. Truscott iI do like to see you laughing! Ah!

Come in "NogLEA Driving School" your time

is up! God almighty! What are you trying

to do make a, make a make a laughing stuck out

of us are you?

-It wasn't my fault, Sid. -Wasn't your fault!

-No, Sid. -Ha. Ha. No!

-Yesterday, was one of my bad days. -Oh, hey.

-It was the handbrake. -Yeah. What's the matter with it?

-Oh. Nothing much. Er, -Oh.

-Oh. -But it does need

a coat of paint, Sid. [LAUGHS]

Bleeding marvelous, isn't it, eh! Bleeding

marvelous for a driving instructor!

I mean. Who's going to employ us? After all this publicity, eh?

I've got half a mind... [PHONE RINGS]

Hello! "NogLEA Driving School".

You saw the piece about us in the paper, did you, and

you want to book a,

a couple of lessons! Ha. Ha. Why certainly madam.

Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen.

Er, just one moment, please madam. Ah. Oh, good, that's better,

you'll pop around.

Thank you. Thank you, very much, madam. Look forward to seeing you.

Bloody hell! Now where was I?

Er, You were telling me you had half a

mind, Sid. [LAUGHS] -Just you,

-watch it, you? Right! -[CLEARS THROAT]

That's, Truscott, I'm worried about?

I thought you was supposed to be getting close to that bird?

-[PHONE RINGS] -I was.

Hello! Ah. Yes madam. You saw our,

our what? Our article in the paper,

and you'd like to book a course of

lessons! Why, certainly, madam.

-Er, Sid, Sid. - Yes. Just one moment.

Sorry to interrupt. Er, do you still want me?

No. No. No. Eh, listen. Let this be a lesson to you, Timo.

Never. Never, ever, underestimate,

the importance of publicity. Ah.

One moment, please madam. Hey! Mrs. Dennis.

Get on round there. She's one of the oldest clients,

-on the books. Okay? -Okay.

Now, madam. In er, what way can I service you?

-Ah! Morning. Mrs. Dent. -That's right.

-Where's, Mr. Dumphrey? -Ah. Well he's not at,

the school anymore.

-You used to have him. Did you? -Hmm.

More often than not.

Would you like me to drive?

Yes. Ah.

[LAUGHS]

Er, I hear you're quite an old hand!

I mean. Er, yes. Listen, we'll er, drive up

to the golf course and er, practice some three-point turns.

I'll get a feel of you on the way!

-Right. -Right.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh! I didn't play that shot very well did I!

Pound a hole then, Bender?

Pound a hole! No I don't get paid that much.

I mean. I er, don't play golf that much!

Ah.

Yes. Ah, well, good idea. Why not.

I do like your trousers, sir. Very nice!

[LAUGHS] That's one.

[LAUGHS] A pound a hole!

Yes! Jolly good idea, sir. Ah. Tee!

[SNORTS]

Well, that was terrific! Why are you still taking lessons?

You could pass a test, with your eyes closed!

There's more to driving lessons,

-Then driving lessons. -Oh, yeah.

-What? -Let's take a walk!

You can ask me a few questions about the highway code.

Oh. Right. Yes. [LAUGHS]

Erm. [LAUGHS]

Where you not allowed to use your

horn after 11.30?

Can you imagine what it's like being a golf widow?

Well.

Every sunday morning I wake up to

the rattle of my husband's balls, going

out the front door.

All day long. Flogging his little wedge,

in the bottom of that bunker.

Well, at least you're not playing around, eh! Ah.

Well. I suppose it is really. You know. Playing a round! Ah!

-Golf. -Do you get lonely?

-No. I've got, Sid and, Rosie. -I mean one gets lonely!

-Oh. A woman, has needs. You know.

Oh, Yes. I suppose she does really doesn't she.

Come on!

Er, listen, supposing somebody comes?

-Ah. Ah. -Oh dear.

[GROANING]

We're not going to need this, are we? Really.

-Er, no. Hmm. -No! [GIGGLES]

Wait, wait, wait, a minuite your

husband doesn't play here during the week? Does he at all?

Oh, no.

I play during the week!

[GROANING]

-Oh! Mmm! -Mmm!

[GROANING]

-Argh! -Argh!

Argh! Ooh! Argh!

Ah! Oh! Ah!

[MUSIC]

Hm.

Mrs. Dent. Mrs. Dent!

Stop it! Mrs. Dent. Mrs. Dent!

[MUSIC]

-What the devil? -Good god! It's him again!

Hello. [GIGGLES]

He's assaulting her! The dirty scoundrel!

Ah!

Oh! Don't be silly! Ah. look, she fell in,

and hit her head. Ah.

He's a sex maniac! Mr. Truscott. He's a sex maniac!

-Seize him! -Seize him!

Seize him!

Your've gone to far this time.

It tickles! I told you before! Don't do that. Argh!

Come here. I'll get you for this!

That is my new slazinger golfing cardigan!

Oh. I'm terribly sorry.

-Argh! -Ooh!

-Mr. Truscott. -Oh. Oh.

Mr. Truscott! Mr. Truscott! Mr...

Mr. Trusscott! My god! I think I've killed him.

I'm terribly strong! You know.

Mr. Truscutt! please wake up! Mr. Trus...

Ah. Ah. I'd better give him the kiss of life!

Hey! You touching, query! No wonder they,

-call you Bender! -I didn't mean to hurt you.

-Ooh -You dirty beasty!

Go on! That's the first time I've ever seen a,

-Rugby playing poofta! -You got the completly the wrong Idea.

Get out of my sight! Go on I never want...

That's your career up the spout! mate. [LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Mrs. Dent! -Oh

Mrs. Dent! You all right?

Well, yes I, I think so. What happened?

well, er, you got hit on the back of the head by a golf ball. Ha. Ha.

And those two idiots, thought I was trying to rape you!

Well. It's er,

their word against mine. isn't it?

-Well. -I mean,

I'm the only one who can say if

you were attacking me or not. Aren't I?

Oh, yes. I suppose you are.

Your future is in my hands!

-Ooh! -Now, let's get something straight,

between us!

I think we already have. Ho. Ho.

What's a little pain!

-Oh. -And I want you to kiss it better!

But, I thought you said. You...

That's not where it hurts!

Oh. Erm, see you later. [GIGGLES]

Ah!

-Oh, yes! Ooh! -Oh!

[GROANING]

[MUSIC]

[GROANING]

Argh!

Argh!

[MUSIC]

Shh! Lie still.

I found it, Mildred.

-Argh! Ooooh! -Shh.

You know. I sometimes wonder what fate's got against me?

You don't have any problems. Do you?

Doesn't matter how hard I try.

I just don't seem to be able to do anything right. At the moment!

When you think about it. There's not a lot of people I can turn to?

You're about the only real mate, I've got. Ah!

[MUSIC]

Apart from, Sid of course.

[CRYING]

Ah. Yeah I know what you mean!

Oh, here. Give er, me that.

Come on love. It's easy to see,

you've never had a baby!

Mum, you'd attack her with a guitar, if I did!

[GIGGLES] Well you're going to get married one day! You know, love.

-Do you recon? -Of course!

You want to stop being so shy, and go out with more girls.

-Oh, Thanks mum. come on, darling. -There are love.

Have you been a good boy?

-Lets go and see daddy. Come on. -Oh. Lovely, yeah.

-I've got some nice chewed apples, -Hello, there.

for him, in the kitchen.

-Ah. Ah. Ah! Yeah. -What do you want? Come on, you tell...

Tell Mummy.

-I said. -Take my advice Timo. Never,

never teach your wife to drive!

Still I can't grumble. I suppose.

We only got another couple of, Truscott's customers,

today, eh! [LAUGHS]

at this rate, I'll tell you what.

We needn't bother about joining up with them!

There'll be nothing left to join up with. Eh!

Good morning!

-Hello. -Morning.

Hey!

Not another of your filthy jokes.

Did ya hear, about the fella that wasn't up to it?

-No I didn't. - Had to get a soapbox to

-stand on! -Oh,

really. Sorry, Mary.

I only mention it, because it's very clear your governor's

got a little problem!

what do you mean?

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

This isn't for you? Is it, sir?

What isn't for me?

This package from denmark!

Aye. A plain brown package.

No. It's says "Sexual Rejuvenation Clinic."

Give me those pills! I mean packet! I'll attend to them. Er, it. Later.

This moment in time we have, more important things to think about.

Have you seen these latest trade figures?

No. I don't look at them that often, sir.

We're losing money, hand over a fist!

There's only one place it can be going to.

-"NogLEA", sir? -Of course! It's ridiculous.

They've taken some of our best customers, lately.

I don't like to suggest this. But,

I think there's only one thing for it!

-What's that, sir? -Merger.

It's a bit strong. Isn't it?

I, I Mean. Couldn't we just maim, them?

I said merger, you fool! Not murder!

[LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

I thought you said, murder!

-How frightfully silly of me! -Join up with them!

With that shower? That is so degrading!

-We're the best School for miles around! -Calm yourself, Bender.

Yes, sir.

Necessity is the mother of expediency!

Mother of what, sir?

I was thinking more of a takeover.

Then a merger. We'll take control. Put them under contract,

and fire them in a couple of months!

Brilliant, sir! Brilliant!

Who's going to broach, the merger?

As always, I have a plan, Bender.

I didn't doubt it for one moment, sir.

I've observed that the er, younger, "NogLEA" creature,

has developed er, a kind of attraction for, Mary!

Mary? could, couldn't we keep her out of this?

When we lost, Lady Snodley,

the jewel of the, Truscott crown.

The time came for desperate measures.

Yes, but, Mary!

Rather, she's a good little bus, isn't she?

Ed, used to have one.

Something like this, for driving the servant's down to the station.

Oh, er, don't forget to use your gears. When you want to slow down.

-Oh. -Er, sorry your ladyship, Snodley! Ha, Ha.

Cynthia. Call me, Cynthia!

After all we're living in the 20th century. Aren't we?

Down Monster! Er, Thruster and Belter don't bother you. Do they?

Oh, no. They're fine. nice Belter!

Oh. On the left er, this is er, your ladyship,

-Yes. -sir. I mean cynthia. Sorry! [GIGGLES]

The dogs are Edgars. Actually.

He's master of the hunt! Don't you know.

He's frightfully fond of hunting and

shooting and, getting paralytically drunk.

Down Monster!

I say! Have you ever done any modeling?

Well, I made a glider once, but the wing fell off!

I mean artists modeling. You silly boy!

You have an interesting face!

Of course. Not sensitive.

Here we are. Home again.

Why don't you come in, and pose for me, now!

We could have a nibble afterwards!

Oh. Yes. All right, then.

Super!

Nice place you got, here. [GIGGLES]

Oh. It's just a minor, manner.

Come along, Monster.

Time to pop you inside!

-Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. -Ah.

-Lovely -Ah

Come along boys!

Oh. Hello again! Here, my dad would like this place!

Ah, Yes. It's Edgar's den, really.

It's frightfully handy for the kennels next door.

Er, your husband's not gonna mind me,

posing for you is he?

He won't even know about it. There's a meeting of the hunt

committee tonight. Half past six, till insensible!

-Oh. -Oh now then.

What are we going to do with you? [BOTH GIGGLES]

-Oh. -[CLEARS THROAT]

I don't know. I think there's probably,

something I can,

do with you! Er, oh. Now would you just hold the pose?

Oh. Er, could only find one of them.

Ah. I didn't mean that!

Oh! I think we need a bottle of champagne, to relax us.

Can you open that, while I go and fetch the dogs? Ha. Ha.

-yes, good! They won't get in the way, will they? -Yes.

Ah. No. No. Not at all. Your ladyship.

[MUSIC]

Oh. Ah. Wouldn't you rather have it out of glass?

Ooh, er, well, yes of course.

Ah, hm. Thank you. Hm.

Oh.

-There we go, your ladyship. -Ah. Er, ah.

[GIGGLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Oh. Yes. -Toodle pip! Ha. Ha.

Hm.

Now! Off with those clothes!

Oh. Are you sure you er, really want me to?

Now. Come along! Don't be shy. Remember this is art.

Yeah. Suppose you're right. Erm what are we, erm,

Well, what we're gonna do?

Er, this is going to be us, Timothy!

I'm very fond of large objects!

I can't afford many models, and you're going to,

have to fill a great many parts!

With a little help from me, of course.

Course! [LAUGHS]

Erm, [CLEARS THROAT]

do er, a lot of artists work like this?

I don't think so, no.

I rather fancy, I'm unique!

Yeah! Ah.

could you er, come on top of me?

Pardon?

No. No. I, I'd rather think it'd be better if

I lay on top of you.

-What, er... -Yes.

Yes! Argh!

Yes! [CLEARS THROAT]

Now, stretch out your arms!

-Hm. Ah. -There.

Oh! [GIGGLES]

Erm, you don't mind me er, asking. What

exactly... Nice doggie! What, what exactly

-are we painting? -The rape of the zebra, and women!

Oh. I see, and how many bloks did they exactly rape? [GIGGLES]

-Ooh! -[DOG WINES]

Hm. Hm.

-It's sex! Isn't it? -Well, I think it is. Yes!

It's getting in the way. Isn't it?

well erm, ooh! Ah. You could put it like that.

Ooh! Or you could put it like that!

Better get it out of the way then. Hadn't We!

Yes.

Stop it rearing its ugly head!

-Ooh! -Then we can concentrate on art!

Art. Art who?

It's funny, but I think I can couple with a lot of my models.

Argh! Get away, I'm busy! You silly little thing!

-Ha. Ah! -Silly things.

-Ooh! Ah! Ooh! -It's away! Silly boy! Ah!

-Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! -Do it!

Argh!

[BUGLE PLAYING]

Edgar. No!

Who's there?

Argh! Argh!

Cynthia. Argh!

[DOGS BARKING]

Hey, Edgar! What are you up to?

[MUSIC]

[GUNSHOTS]

-Ah! Ah! Argh! Hello. -Timmy! What happened to you?

[SHIVERING]

-Oh! Ooh! -Oh! Oh! Oh!

You are a funny boy.

-Yes. Ah. -You must be freezing to death?

[SHIVERING]

-Oh erm, I mean. -[SHIVERING]

did you walk home like that? Well, where's your car?

[STUTTERS] Being serviced.

I think you'd better put something on.

-Oh! Oh! Oh! -Here.

Carefull with those.

My, Ronold did himself a nasty injury. At,

Broadstairs, with one of those.

-Argh! -He cut himself off in

-his prime! -[SHIVERING]

[SHIVERING]

I think you better go and have a bath. Don't you?

Warm you up a bit.

I'll put lots of bubbles in it! nice hot water.

-All gushing down. -Lovely.

-Ooh! -What's the matter?

-I can't feel anything? -Erm. Oh.

Oooh.

-Let me try? -Well. Ooh! No!

Ooh!

-Ooh! Ooh! -Oh! Oh.

-You need some of this. -Oh.

-I read about it in a book. - Oh, ta, thanks.

Oh. No!

[GIGGLES] You don't drink it!

-No? -No.

Oh?

-Ah! -Feel anything?

Yes!

Oh. I've heard of the frozen north pole, but this is bloody ridiculous! Ooh!

-I think that's enough. -Ooh.

There's only one way to tell for certain.

Oh. Ooh!

-Argh! -Hm. Hmm!

Hmm!

[GROANING]

Argh!

-Argh! -Oooh!

Argh!

[GROANING]

-Argh! -Ooh! Ah!

[GROANING]

Hey! We mustn't wake, Avril!

[GROANONG]

Oh. We mastn't wake, Avril.

We're not going to wake, Avril.

[SQUEAKING SOUND]

-Ah. -Aah!

[GROANING]

Oh. That was lovely, dear.

Ah. How do you feel?

-Oh. Ah. Er... -Ssh!

We mustn't wake, Avril.

Ah!

Funny boy!

-Thanks! -Pleasure!

[MUSIC]

-Argh! -Ssh! We mustn't wait mum!

-Argh! -Oh. Sorry, Sid. Sorry. Hm.

-All right are you? -What?

Get any sleep last night. Did you?

-On and off. -Yeah.

Oh, God. Your on form, ain't you.

Hey, listen. I've thought of a nice gesture,

for your mom and dad.

Yeah. I've seen you use it! [LAUGHS]

No. I thought we'd take him out for the afternoon, on the 14th.

What for?

Well, it is their anniversary. You know.

Ooh, blimey! I've completely forgotten about that!

Er, where were we gonna take them, then?

Well, I thought we'd take them to the

victorian crossing for lunch.

Hmm. What about after that, then?

-Well. -Dad certainly get pissed!

Oh. Bloody hell, yeah.

Here. I know. We'll take them to the rugby tournament.

There's certainly be a bar there.

Hey! That's a good idea! The old man'll love that.

-Here are those figures you wanted. -Ah, ta, love.

Your friend, Mary, dropped this in.

Hey. What's up with her? You giving her one, are you?

Oh. She only deals wholesale! Ah!

Oh. Here. Fancy, Mary writing. Eh?

Oh, call the bands! I'm pregnant again!

Here! She wants to see me at her place! This evening alone.

Ah. God almighty! It's that posh voice that

does it for you! Isn't it. Eh?

Kid a touch of the, Barbara Catlins, and

you're bloody anybody's!

Ah! Shut up, Sid! What do you know about, romance?

Nothing very much. I'm married!

Wonder what she wants. Eh?

[RUGBY COMMENTATOR ON TV]

Hope you dont mind watching the last few minutes of rugby special?

But, it's so exiting!

[RUGBY COMMENTATOR ON TV]

Ah. Hm.

Gosh! That's a big one!

Cardiff, are three points behind.

[RUGBY COMMENTATOR ON TV]

-Ah! -Argh!

Ah! Yes. Yes, come on!

-Bite me. Ooh! -Ooh!

-Yes! -Don't do that!

Yes! Oh, yes! Oh!

-Argh! -Oh.

Come on chaps!

-Yes! Yes! -Mm. Mm.

-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! -Yes!

-Argh! Argh! Argh! -Argh!

[RUGBY COMMENTATOR ON TV]

And that's simply amazing!

-Oh. Yes! -Ah. Ah. Ah!

It was just like in ga ga. In tweakers. With a bit of a watsit! Wasn't it?

[LAUGHS]

-Ah! -Hm.

Why did you ask me around here?

Oh. Well. It was daddy's idea, really.

He's rather keen on us getting together.

You're dad?

Oh, yes.

He thinks it would be in the best interest for both of us.

But er, what about, Bender?

Oh. Well, of course he's not very pleased but then there's

nothing he can do if the rest of us have made up our minds.

I mean. There's no point in us going our

separate ways when we could be so much more successful together.

That's right!

Ooh, Mary. I'm so happy!

Oh.

Crumbs! It's Mommy and Daddy!

-They mustn't find us like this! -Oh. No.

-Ah. Ah! -Oh!

My watches got stuck!

Oh, gosh. How ghastly!

Well. They, they mustn't find, find, us like, like this.

- Oh! My ribs! -We have to hide.

Ah. Yes. Quick the cupboard.

-The cupboard. Ah! Oh! -Come on, Timmy.

-Timmy! -Yeah. The cupboard

Oh, there go potty!

Come on.

Argh! Ah!

-Ah! AH! Oh! Ey! -Oh. For goodness sack!

-[LAUGHING] -Now, stop it!

I told you before it's, hmpf.

Helen. I've got something for you.

I have no desire to take your filthy pill, Henry.

They're not filthy pills!

They're formulated by scientists.

And what isn't? Anyway,

they come from copenhagen.

Well. I see nothing a miss, with that. Er,

you eat danish bacon, don't you?

Danish bacon is rather different,

to a sexual stimulant! At least I, I have

always found it so in the past.

Perhaps, because we eat it at breakfast.

Many wives, you know. Would be flattered,

at their husbands, would wish to engage them

in an experiment of this nature.

Henry. Erm, I've got one of my headaches

coming on, and if you must drink too much.

Please, don't take it out on me!

You never give me a chance to take it out! That's the problem!

[LAUGHS]

Your unspeakability vulgar!

Oh. I was, I was just thinking of us, dear!

Oh!

Oh, very well, Henry if you if you're,

you're going to make my life a perfect misery.

I'll have your silly pills!

Probably only aspirin. Anyway.

One for me.

One for you.

Delicious! water.

Come on.

Er, hm.

Well, I hope you're satisfied!

[GROANING]

It never worked that fast?

[GROANING]

[MUSIC]

-Henry! -Helen!

-Helen! -Henry!

Argh! Take me!

[GROANING]

Caress my goonies!

Henry! Oh. Oh. Oh. Henry!

Ah!

[MUSIC]

-Henry! -Helen?

Ooh! Henry!

Ooh! Helen!

Henry! Ooooh! Henry!

Helen.

-Ooooh! Henry! -Oh. Helen!

Oh! Oooh!

Oh.

Hm.

-Good afternoon! -Oh.

Were the bloody hell

have you been? We'll be late for, Mom and Dad,

at the restaurant. You know.

Sorry. Sid, had a bit of a hectic evening,

-and I, yeah, and over slept. -Yeah.

Hm. Brace yourself Sid!

I think I'm unofficially engaged!

Ah. My god! I haven't got time to get you

certified! Now, come on let's go.

Hey, er, funny woman, that, lady Snodley?

She only wants to paint me. You know?

Well! You have got lovely bones, Sid!

Ha, ha. That's funny! That's what she said. You know.

-Really! -Yes. Ah. Come on, let's go.

[VIOLIN MUSIC]

-Walter, your hat. -You should talk with,

that bloody thing on.

-Ooh, look. candles! -Yes. Ah!

They must be in a bad way! If they can't afford bleeding electricity!

-Oh, Dad! -[SKEAKS FOREIGN]

-Ah. -Senorita your table is a waiting.

Ah! Greasy arse! Luigi.

-All right is he? Yeah! -Yeah. But it's never so nice here mum.

What's the nosh like? mate. all right?

[SID] I'll sit next to you. Sit there, Timo.

[ROSIE] All right, then. I'll sit next to you.

[SID] Here are, Dad. Sit down, there.

-[SID LAUGHS] -[DAD] You mean down here? Shall I?

[SID] Yeah, sit down there then.

-[WAITER SPEAKS FOREIGN] -Thank you.

[WAITER SPEAKS FOREIGN]

-Ta. -Ta.

Senor.

I think continental men, are ever so charming.

[MUM] Oh, yeah.

-What are these for? Stirring your tea! -What. Dad?

Er, there bread sticks dad!

You like a apairateeth, senora?

Of course, she don't want a pair of teeth. she's got her own.

-Dad! an apairateeth is a drink. Isn't it? -Yes, it is.

That's something you have before you order, duvet.

-Yes! -Well. I'll try anything once!

-Dring me a pint of it. -Er, no we'll,

have er, a carafellabino, eh?

Here. I don't understand any of this?

[WAITER LAUGHS]

Oh, ah.

There's only one, English thing on it! That's, Spaghetti!

I'll have that.

-Do you want something with, Senor? -Chips.

-[MUSIC] -TIMMY CLEARS THROAT]

Ah. Have you got any er, chicken. At all?

Ah, si senor. Petto di pollo.

-Its delicious! All right. I'll have some of

-that, then. Please. -Ah. Me too.

-Si. Oh, excuse me one moment. Sinor. -Sure

Jason. Were is he? Love.

Oh. He's lovely, mum. Avril was kind enough,

-to babysit for us. weren't she? Love. -Hm.

but, I'm a bit worried.

-Excusei. Senor. -Oh!

Now. Now. I take er, the rest of your order.

-Erm... -What's this pasta?

It's probably fish baster. Can't have that.

Have something expensive. He's paying!

-No! -We'll have,

three spaghetti bolognese, and er, two

-petty depolaries. -Si senor.

Hey, don't forget my chips? Pepo!

-[SPEAKS FOREIGN] -[SPEAKS FOREIGN]

Walter, you do our pawn.

You've done nothing, but complain since we come

through the door! Well. He's paying for the meal. You know?

Well. I don't understand why we can't go,

to a nice, English place. There's still a

few of us left in britain! You know.

Well! I am going to drink to, Sid,

and Timmy, and the driving school.

And to, mom and dad! Because it's their happy wedding anniversary.

-Yeah of course. -Oh, yeah. Right! Happy anniversary.

Mum and, Dad!

we'll have two minutes silence.

-[SID LAUGHS] There you are. -[MUM] Mind you.

-Petty depolaries. -Ooh!

[INAUDIABLE]

[WAITER] In Music.

Ah. Nice isn't it. Eh?

[SID] Full Blooded! Do you know what I mean?

[ROSIE] What you playing at, Sid? What do you know about wine?

-Where to put it! Love. -Oh!

Sinor. I've put some of your vegetables on your side plate. Eh?

Oh, erm.

Oi! Oi! Gipsy, Rose Lee!

Can you play, "In a Monastery Garden?

Ah! Si, Senori

Piss off, and play there!

Watch it baldy! I'll be ramming it, right up your bleeding hooter!

-What! -Sinora.

You would like a little bit under the side?

-Oh. Yes, please! -How dare you make

filthy suggestions to my wife!

-[MUM] Dad! -Dad!

Bloody foreigner! Here!

[ROSIE] Ooh! Dad!

-Daddy! -[DAD] And you can stick your fiddle up

your grassy arse!

-Ooh. Here. -Argh!

-Come On. Now, did I? -Hey! Timmo. Come over here.

-Rosie, come on. Timmy. Come here. -Don't leave nothing inside the car, then.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

If we had a bit more money!

-Timothy! Timothy! -Oh. Look it's, Mary!

-Smile. You be a good boy. -I'll see you, I'll see you latter.

You go to the side of the... Dad be careful, Dad.

Gosh! I am glad you could come.

-I've got you a game! -What?

Yes. One of the finalists are a man short.

You'll be playing against, Tony's team! Isn't it super!

Er! But! Oh! But, I just eaten!

Oh, don't worry. It's only seven aside.

-Ten minutes each way. -Oh!

-Here! -For goodness sake!

Ooh! Hey!

Ah! Scared, leak! [LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

-Scared! Me! [LAUGHS] -[SNORTS]

-Ooooh! -I think I'd better take you to the

changing room. There's not much time.

Hey. Listen, are my team any good or what?

Oh. Don't worry about what they look like.

-Oh! -Fine bunch of chaps! Really.

[MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Good luck, Timothy! -Yes. Thanks, Mary.

Er, ha, ha! That's my boy! Er, go on son! Kick them in the cobblers!

[LAUGHS AND COUGHS]

[CHEERING]

-Hey. -Oh. God! You really must try and curb that

pathetic streak of, exhibitionism syndrome!

Ah. Shut up, Sid! Look, look after that lot

will you, and keep your thieving hands

out of that wallet. Right!

Hello love. Good luck, love!

Here. I don't think we're gonna wait for the old man!

Because she's worried about, Jason. see.

-Yeah. Were gonna go. -Yeah. well, your doing yourself a favor.

-All right, darling. Ta-ra. -All right, darling. Good luck. Bye.

[MUSIC]

Enjoying yourself, Leak!

[MUSIC]

Ah! Come on, Timmo!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I say. Well played! Tony.

Hear. He handled it, ref. He handled it!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

He used his hands!

Vastly improves performance. Bloody hell!

Timmy, could do with a couple of these. Eh?

[LAUGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Go on, Son! Do him!

Oooh, argh, ooooh!

-Ah! All right, then. -Ooooh

-Hey! You got one in the groonies! -Yes, sir!

Hey! you soccer players, all the same.

[TIMOTHY] My ball. I've got it. Lead it straight to me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SID] That was a good try!

He touched it again, ref! I'm sure.

-Shut your, English soccer cakehole! -He...

[MUSIC]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Ooh! -[LAUGHS AND SNORTS] Ah!

Oh!

2. 4. 6. 8....

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Please, get him!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHEERING]

I want nice clean balls!

Ooooh!

Got one in the groonies! Eh, sir? Ha. Ha.

Not nice, is it, sir? Oh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Well, done! -Well, played...

Right. Half time. Eight nil to, Monks Hill.

[WOMEN] Hello, Mr. Truscott.

[MR. TRUSCOTT] I call you lads. Hurry up with your lemons!

-I can't go on, Sid. Oooh! -Ah. Don't worry. Don't

worry. You'll feel much better after had some of your pep pills!

What pep pills?

The, Danish gear. I put some in the orange juice.

Ah! Thank you leak. Ha. Ha. Now my need is greater

-than yours. -Hey! Wait a minute! What!

-You! -Thank you, old boy. [SNORTS]

You greedy git! That was for him.

Oh, no. Sid!

Hello, Timothy. Well played.

Right. Second half you puffders!

[MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

Come on, the reds!

[MARY] Come on, Timothy!

Argh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Mine!

[SNORTS]

Well played, Tony!

Oh! Well played, Tony!

-[MARY] Well played! -Ooh!

Ooh! Mary!

-T, Tony? -Mary!

-[SNORTS] -Oh! Noo! Noo!

-Oh. Look at that man, ref. -Bender! Mary!

Oh! Oh! Tony what's got into you?

-I don't know, Mary? But I like it! -No! Help!

-I really do! -Help!

Don't! Oh! You're gone potty, for god's sake!

-Mary! I want you! -Oh, no! Oh, crumbs! Oh!

-I know! I know! Ha. Ha. Ah! -Help!

That's my car!

That's my daughter!

-We'll take the, Bentley! -Right.

-Open this door! Open the door. -Oh.

It's stuck, sir. You'll have to get in the back.

Be careful my, Bentley.

-Leave it to "NogLEA", sir! -After them!

Oh, Mary I feel so, how can I put it?

Sexually aroused!

Be careful!

[HONKS HORN]

After them! After them!

Tony, why don't we just wait for, Daddy to catch up!

What out for those men. Watch out for those man!

[HORN HONKING]

-Oh! -Christ man! That was close!

-I hope it's all right? -Don't worry sir I missed them.

-I was talking about my Bentley. -Oh!

[HONKING HORN]

[HONKING HORN]

Stop them! But be careful.

Daddy!

Hello, Mr. Truscott! [LAUGHS]

Pull over, Bender.

Stop Bender! God, your a flaming bloody imbecile!

I'm gonna fire you, Bender! From a bloody cannon!

Oh, Mary I've never felt so good!

Help!

Brake. Brake!

I am breaking.

Oh!

[SCOTTISH MUSIC]

What! Ooh!

[HORN HONKING]

[GROANING]

Oh

What!

[LAUGHS]

I'd like to report an accident! Ah!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

-Fifty bloody quid! -Oh.

That's not a lot to end up with. Is it, eh?

And all thanks to laughing boy, here!

-Yes. I think it's jolly bad luck! -Do you?

-But, that's not quite what, Daddy said! -[LAUGHS]

-what are you going to do now? -Oh.

I don't know, do I? I mean...

Eh, er, how'd you fancy a trip to the seaside, Timmo?

Eh? Timmo?

Timmo!

Sid! Sid, oi! Oh, up. Up here, yes.

-[MARY] Hm. Look out! -[SID] Come out of there!

Sid! Look out!

♪ Oh, my names Timmy Lea ♪ ♪ and you can't see me ♪

♪ Cos you don't ♪ ♪ know were to look ♪

♪ But, oh look when ♪ ♪ I turn my light on ♪

♪ I'm gonna turn you right ♪ ♪ on for my names Timmy Lea ♪

♪ and you can't catch me ♪ ♪ 'Cos you don't know were I am ♪

♪ But, oh man when I turn my ♪ ♪ light on I'm gonna turn you right on ♪

♪ Right on ♪

♪ Well I know were I'm going ♪ ♪ Don't take much knowing ♪

♪ On a straight line to the sun ♪

♪ [BACKING] To the sun ♪

♪ Maybe I'll fly all the same I'm ♪ ♪ gonna try gonna get the some day ♪

♪ Watch me everyone ♪

♪ For my names Timmy Lea ♪ ♪ and you can't have me ♪

♪ Cos you don't know ♪ ♪ were to start so I'll start ♪

♪ I'll turn your light on ♪ ♪ Then turn you right on ♪

♪ For my names Timmy Lea ♪ ♪ and you can't fool me ♪

♪ Cos I ain't that kind of guy ♪

♪ But oh my if you ♪ ♪ turn my light on ♪

♪ You might turn ♪ ♪ me right on right on ♪

♪ Well I Know were I'm going ♪

♪ Don't take much going ♪ ♪ on a straight line to the sun ♪

♪ [BACKING] To the sun ♪

♪ I maybe a flyer all ♪ ♪ the same I'm a tryer ♪

♪ I'm gonna get there some day ♪ ♪ Watch me everyone ♪