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More love, man, money Want nothing more, Amore

Show yourself, buddy No legs on the desk

Driving a Benz, no tractor No money, wanna be up there

Health's good, doc More love, por favore

Oh man

Money, oh my, oh my

Oh man

Money, oh my, oh my

I have a job, I kick penalties

I deserve top-notch hotties

Not trying hard, I dance and drink

Looking for love, not looking for oil

I have a lady mum, and want a poster dad

I want him to see me play at last

Fuck your presents, I want your love

Oh man

Thanks, Mom.

Oh man

Money, oh my, oh my

See you later. Hasta la vista, dickheads.

Oh man

Money, oh my oh my

The former high football official

generally known as Daddy,

has started serving his sentence.

Slavoj Vyšehrad played a crucial role in his case,

so let’s have a closer look at them.

One soda.

Julius Lavický, the declining football star,

is on his way to join his first foreign team.

And here, at Václav Havel Airport, we are monitoring his departure.

As you can see, Lavi is getting out of his car right now.

- I'll come to you, Lassie. - Hm.

I'm your Britanny.

Looking forward to it, baby.

- Have fun, Dad. - Thanks, kiddo.

Just don't let her drive, okay?

Oh, oh, oh!

- I love you, baby! - Thank you.

Well, we have a train to catch, so to speak.

I'm so looking forward to it. Totally. I'm happy you're coming with me. Really.

Can you believe this? We did it, Lavi! We did it!

You did it. Because you're the devil!

The Red Devil, if you take my meaning.

I'm telling you we're gonna enjoy this! We're going to England!

Don't worry, it won't crash. We're flying together, alright?

- Yeah? - Sure.

- I'm so glad you're here with me. - Of course.

- Yes, Helen? - I think

it's coming out!

It's coming out!

-Come back at once, you prick! - Sure. I'm on my way.

Sorry, Lavi, I have to go.

- Wait, Jára! - You’ll manage.

Jarouš!

- Go, go, go! - But...

Relax, it's not my fault, it’s her, not me.

What’s up?

Blanka?

You won’t believe this.

I don't know what the problem is. It’s just a carry-on fuck machine.

Celebrities...

What is it?

Do you like this?

Yeah, I do.

Welcome aboard.

Fucking arsehole, you fucking dickhead!

You stupid piece of shit!

- Helen, just keep breathing. - Shut up! Fuck you!

We're all gonna die! It’s falling!

No, I won't manage.

I gotta get out of here!

- Oh no! - Go back to your seat!

Sit down, fatso! Move away, bitch! Let go of me! I have to go!

Sir!

You bloody fucking cock-sucking demented rat!

Sir, come out, please.

Fucking hell, man!

Oh, this is great.

Sir? Hello? Come out!

SOMEWHERE ABOVE SOUTH ATLANTIC

SPANISH-ROMANY POCKET DICTIONARY

The cemetery... the cemetery.

Bloody hell...

- Ouch! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Are you fucking nuts? - Yes.

Welcome to Buenos Aires Airport.

Hey, buddy! How do I get to the center?

- No. 24, the stop’s across the street. - Thanks.

I'm coming for you.

Stop.

So I'm here at last!

That place looks like a shop.

Let’s see if they have a shirt with my name already!

Go, Argentinos!

This is my Dad!

- Really! - Oh...

Let's go, let's go!

What is it? Come on, let’s go.

What the fuck are you saying, mate?

I just need to prove it, man.

Really, I'm not kidding.

Lavi. Lavi!

What is it?

Lavi! Lavi!

Come on, come on, come on! Go, go, go!

- Yes! - Please, just let me work, alright?

It’s so beautiful!

- Here we go. - Hooray!

Oh God, what a long cord he has!

He takes after me!

Helen! Helen, we’ve got a son!

What a miracle!

Hallelujah

No boozing!!! You’re new there, mate!

Hmm.

You sayd twas a transfair to Menchester.

You idiot, I said we would TRANSFER at Manchester!

I have a son!

Here's to your little boy, Jarouš.

POUR IT OUT!

- Hey, baby. - Hi there, shaggy boy.

Are you ready? Can we start?

Yeah, I’ve got a minute, I'm ready. Go for it!

- Lick me like an ice-cream. - How? You're so far away.

Over the phone, you muff!

- Yeah, okay. - Oh!

Higher, higher, higher!

Like this!

Yeah!

Yeah! That's great! Oh!

Yeah!

- Fuck, I’ve killed her! - Honey, are you okay?

- I bloody killed her! - Are you okay?

Hallelujah

Goin to the intrewiev, I’ll schow dem.

Focus, mate, focus!

Yes, Lavi, just say yes.

No.

Yes.

Oh my God, no!

Oh no, please, please!

Dear God, why me?!

- You see, Helen... - Yeah?

- I'd like to know one thing. - Well?

- Spill it out, I'm going out now. - Where?!

- With my friends, for coffee. - Coffee? But what about breastfeeding?

Oh God.

Stop bothering me with your patriarchal bullshit, okay?

It’s easily solved.

I carried it for nine months, so it's your turn now.

Ah! That burns!

He has a name, Helen. You should be taking care of him during puerperium.

And you read that where? In Playboy?

You chauvinist pig.

- Hello. - At least you will love me, right?

- I just want to check if the name's correct. -Yes.

- Aristotle Ronaldo Mizina? - It's his mother's wish.

Congratulations.

Hello, I need a DNA test.

And what's your sample?

- Saliva, hair or stool? - I've got a hand on me!

Hey, buddy.

- Police! - Fuck, the filth!

Are you nuts?

Julius Lavický was the main protagonist in a disgusting case of...

He insulted his teammate with horrid racial slurs.

In addition, he sustained an injury of as yet unknown extent.

This is a disgrace not only to Czech football,

but to the whole country as well.

We know how big-mouthed Julius Lavický is,

but this is way over the line as far as I’m concerned.

Julius might possibly claim that he was misunderstood,

so I have a language expert with me. What do you think about it, Jakub?

Míra, I don't think Lavi can get out of this.

That phrase in English simply means a "bloody",

well, to be more precise, a "fucking" monkey.

So if a person calls someone with...

Lavický's behavior was condemned by President Pavel.

Another Czech citizen, Jiří Dóna, also caused an international embarrassment.

The striker of FK Smrkov was arrested in Argentina

for profaning the grave of the legendary footballer Diego Maradona.

Dóna said he only wanted to prove that Maradona was his biological father.

For fuck’s sake!

Which one of you put it in his head?

- Who was it? - Well, it’s the local rumor.

That his old man really was Maradona.

- Yeah. - Sure.

Not the Argentinian one.

This one, Mára Dóna from Albrechtice.

Oh, that one, mate.

Well, he could have easily gone on a bike to see him,

he needn’t have flown all the way there.

DAD

Hello!

Hello.

Jarda didn't come?

Come here.

In just a few weeks, the Football Association

will have a new leader at last.

After the imprisonment of the current president...

So let's wait and see who will win in the end

and thus become de facto the ruler of Czech football.

Will it be someone to continue the trend,

or somebody to try and clear the good name of Czech football?

It took me two hours to make him fall asleep!

“Two hours”, you whiny bastard.

Where have you been?

With my friends, for coffee.

Haven’t you been drinking a little too much coffee lately?

What have you been doing? Lolling on the sofa?

- You haven’t got a job? - I’ve been taking care of the baby.

It’s a joy, not a chore.

You've become very lazy.

Since Lavi stopped being your client, you’ve been nobody.

- But, Helen... - I mean it.

Do something about it, my respect for you is dwindling.

And

to be honest, it was almost gone even before.

I... I have plans.

- Big plans, Helen. - Like changing big nappies?

I'm sorry.

Tell me about your big plans, then.

- I'll be running. - For what?

For the post of the FA President.

Junkie, get out.

You little fuck... BJ me, BJ me...

I love licking!

I can smell your cunt!

Pardon the interruption, but I'm bringing you a new friend.

I see. Thank you, Lubošek.

If you need anything, I'll be outside.

- Yeah. - Hello, Daddy.

Hi there, Stork. You’re in the duplex.

I wonder how you managed to survive such a huge explosion.

Don't talk to me about it, it burned my eyebrows.

And Messi’s too, right?

- So they’ve trapped you, too, huh? - Subsidies.

Even bigger aces than you have done time for that.

You held onto it like turd clings to arse, but they got you anyway.

The election for the new president’s at hand.

I'll call Igor to get me the nomination.

While you’re in prison? That's impossible.

Maybe for you, but I know the ropes.

Well, since we're here together now,

there's one major issue that needs to be resolved.

You might be Daddy out there, but not in here.

- You're gonna be a mummy now. - Okay, daddy.

So come and suck mummy’s dick.

Jesus Christ.

Ah, the return of the prodigal son.

- Hello, Mr. King. - Just sit.

I can stand up easily, but if you say so.

What can I do for you, Lavi?

I'd like to play for Vyšehrad again.

I see.

But that's a closed chapter I’m afraid.

If you've heard something about racism, that was just a misunderstanding.

I just called him a "fucking guy".

Well, I've heard it’s your ankle that’s fucked.

It is, but it'll be fine again, it's not a big deal.

I'd really love to give you a chance, even after what you did there,

but I can't afford to pay an injured player.

Someone keeps harming us.

- Daddy. - Daddy?

He’s sucking pricks behind bars now, how could he harm anyone?

His fingers are too long. I just can't.

- Come on, our kids are dating. - They’re living together!

- Living together? - It doesn't matter.

You simply can't play football here.

Okay, fine. Then I'll go somewhere else.

But you'll regret it, when I score in your net.

You're gonna blame yourself. Because they still want me everywhere!

I'm still a megastar. I was in the Premier League!

EFL Championship!

- I played in England! - For one day!

A whole day longer than any of the jerks here!

Who would have thought you’d tell me to fuck off, too.

- Lavi? - Yeah?

Try the other leg.

Screw yourself. I can't... everything is...

- Come on, Jarda! - Don't you ever call me again!

And stop persuading my sister to put in a good word for you.

You don't exist for me anymore! Is that clear?

I'm totally fucked.

You're the last person I can turn to.

You should have thought

about that when I got you your dream job.

You fucked it up right away!

- Why did you leave me there? - Shut up!

Shut up! I'm done with you! For good!

You're fucked, but through your own fault.

And why am I fucked? Because of you!

So don't call me again! Never!

An old hag rocking the devil on an oak tree stump said:

- There you are, you little imp... - Just like grandpa, isn’t he?

He was just tanned from the mountains.

Come on, Moses.

Let's have a look at the meat Daddy’s cooking for us.

And I'll make coffee, okay?

- Black? - No, I want it with milk.

Okay.

So are you gonna help me or not?

You can’t be serious about the candidacy.

You need contacts for that.

I can call Tvrdík and his boys, true,

but I’ll just look like a fool.

Well, thank you very much.

Don’t you want to stay with us for a while?

And sort out your life?

But why? I have plans now, I have a child...

- Jarda! - I don't care what you think.

He's my boy and I love him. And that’s it!

We have to stick together as a family, right?

It just bothers me when people make a fool out of him.

And even more so when you make a fool of yourself!

If you can't back me up, you’d better shut up.

I think your dad should try to call that Fartík after all.

- Ilona! - Right, Miloš?

- He's such a sweetheart. - Let me see.

- Go to your daddy. - Come here, come here.

Yes, baby?

Hi, I’m gonna get some yummy food. You want some?

Yeah, bring me something, I'm hungry as shit. Bye.

- Lavi? Hello, honey! - Hi there, baby.

- Oh, you really are hungry. - Well, a little.

- Let me have some, too. - Don’t touch it, it’s mine!

What is it? Give it here!

Kiss me.

Good.

- Mr. King. - Oh, Jarda!

- I think I’m in deep shit. - It might only be the little one.

What?

Oh, yes.

- But that's not what I meant. - So what's your point?

Mr. King, I’ve told my wife I’m running for the FA presidency.

- I’ve told everyone, in fact. - Oh shit. -Yeah, that's right.

But I don’t know how to tunnel money, lie, cheat, kiss people’s arses.

Well, I’m actually not so bad at that.

I might even be very good at it.

Listen, you could be the right person after all.

- What? - Yeah.

Because kissing people’s arses is the cornerstone of football.

- I see. - If we can get some big shots...

- Is it difficult? - No.

Flying a plane is difficult.

For a newbie, this is practically impossible.

Move your arse!

Kicking the ball since he was a kid

This is important, you see?

A promising cub

Then he discovered what a taproom was

Come back here! Move it!

Suddenly everything was fucked

Lavi

Coming down like an avalanche, Lavi

Both a genius and a moron

We can't play with ten people! We simply can't!

Top to bottom, Sparta, Vyšehrad, win or fall

Lavi

Coming down like an avalanche, Lavi

Mr Mizina is running for the presidency of the Czech FA.

Top to bottom, Sparta, Vyšehrad, win or fall

Junkie, get out.

- Yeah, I’d like some. - Get out.

You smelly cunt!

Hey, Daddy.

Are you doing anything at all with that Vyšehrad matter?

Pets.

Cook it.

The referees are under control, Daddy.

But apparently, that's not enough. They're still first.

Unless we do something, they'll go up.

And then I'm gonna be so fucking pissed-off.

And when I'm pissed-off, I fucking forget myself.

- And when I forget myself... - I get it, Daddy.

- I'll take care of it. - I'll think of something.

This was King’s doing, he testified against me.

But I will have my revenge.

I'll bury him in the ground like dog shit!

Sorry, darling.

And I’ll do it in a way that will really hurt him.

I'll destroy that fucking Vyšehrad of his!

I understand.

I made you a present during our art sessions here.

I have a new face for you.

Here.

- So beautiful! - Well...

- It’s the face of an angel! - Stop crying.

Load it up and back off. Go!

Thank you.

- Dad? - Richard?

- Are you here? - In the bathroom.

- Dad? -Yeah? - Is that really you?

Can’t you see my tattoos or what?

- I'll call the fire department. - No, don't do that!

- So how are you gonna get out? - Easily.

I’ll hold my breath and you pull me out. Alright?

- Rubbish, it won’t work. - Come on.

You can’t call the firemen, it'd be all over the tabloids.

Okay, I'll grab your hand.

My hands are here.

Screw this.

Come on, I won’t do it again. Sorry, kiddo, for fuck’s sake.

- Take a deep breath! - Yeah.

- Try harder! - Yeah.

Are you even pulling me?

Don’t mention the shower problem to anyone.

- I'll do my best to forget about it. - Good.

- You should do something about it, Dad. - I know. I'll get a bigger shower.

- No! You need to lose weight. - Why should I lose weight?

I'm alright like this. Look at all those other football legends.

- Like Ronaldo. - Ronaldo?

The Brazilian one, you see?

Get the door, boyo. I think food’s coming.

Hello.

- Does Julius Lavický live here? - Yes. Come in.

Hello.

He’ll miss.

He’ll send it over the bar.

So here it is... And he misses!

I'm looking for Julius Lavický.

Lavi.

- Can I wait for him here? - What kind of stupid joke is that?

- It's me, mate. - You?

Sir, you look like someone who’s eaten him.

- No need to be so formal. - Okay, but you should be formal to me.

- Listen, who are you? - Me? I’m a coach.

- I'm looking for a striker. - I see.

And what’s it supposed to be? First League, Second League?

I'm still keeping fit.

It's really him.

How did you manage to get so fucking lardy?

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

I just have a bit of water in my ankle and you’re all obsessed with my weight.

I can now run without crutches. I’m not ready for top-notch football yet,

but it’s not your case, I’d know you otherwise.

I can sign the contract right now.

Well, we're a family team, one might say.

- Okay. - We're in the Division.

Our striker was arrested in Argentina and we're screwed without him.

- Professional contract, unfortunately... - I'm done. My leg's fucked.

It could be sorted out. And so could the excess weight.

- Are you a magician or what? - No, but I might know one.

So have him conjure up another striker. I'm not interested.

Too bad.

I had an appointment with Kraus. He was about to get an extra 20 percent.

But he runs off to Viktoria to get a bit more!

- We're screwed, Zbyněk. - Yeah.

- We can now say goodbye to... - To promotion, right?

Yes.

We’re still ahead, but it's gonna be tough. Do you mind?

I see.

The Kraus scheme did work, but we still stick to our plan.

Hail sports!

- We should stick to our plan. - If he thinks it’s worth it...

- He needs to have some joy in life. - He's perfectly fine in there.

It burned his eyebrows!

I was lucky, it only took half my face and arse.

And I can’t even smell sausages now!

- Fuck your sausages! - I'd kill for a sausage!

But you did, remember? Spring 1992, Karviná.

- Yes. Those were the days. - Shut the fuck up!

Wow!

- I was so looking forward to seeing you. - So were we.

Oh! Petřín Hill is so beautiful.

- It's very nice in here. - We can live the way we like at last.

Oh! Careful with that! Someone set a child on fire like that once.

Sure.

It’s a big deal, isn’t it? Living together.

If you need any advice...

- My mum lives right above us. - Well, that's great.

Who are these sweethearts?

That's us when we were young.

I have such a soft spot for the little ones these days.

- Your clock is ticking. - What? Where?

- Biological clock. - Oh, I see.

So kind of you to invite me. Too bad Lavi couldn't make it.

But he refuses to leave the flat since he got stuck in the lift.

That's why I wanted you to come. We need to talk about my dad.

He won't last much longer.

- He's gonna have a heart attack. - But he won't listen to anyone.

I know someone who could convince him.

- Jarda's shunning him. - I didn’t mean him.

- And Lavi’s shunning Mr King. - Not him either.

- So you mean yourself? Sorry. - Jesus Christ, I mean you!

Me? Okay.

I see.

You should take notes.

The pig’s testicles are swollen.

It's high time to look for a partner.

I miss the fact you're not an athlete anymore.

Really, yeah?

Yes. And I'm a bit worried about you.

- But why? - Why? Because...

Lavi, when an athlete's body...

When it completely changes the routine, it might get a shock.

Or maybe even

some kind of indisposition, too.

Or myocardial infarction.

- Stop worrying about it. - Come on, it’s true.

And most importantly...

Impertinence.

- That I wouldn’t get a hard-on? - Yes!

Me? Rubbish. I can hammer nails with it.

But for how long? We might want a baby one day.

You know what? Let me show you right now!

But promise me you'll get in touch with the coach that was here earlier.

- Can you hear me? - Yeah.

If I'd known that it was that simple...

What do you mean?

- Nothing. I love you. - I love you too.

I can't breathe! Lavi, get off me!

- I can't find it! - Find what?

There we go. I’m impertinent!

I'm fine!

Kicking the ball since he was a kid

Kicking the ball

A promising cub

Then he discovered what a taproom was

- Faster now! - Move aside!

You all look like death! It’s a sight for sore eyes!

I'm here!

Just like you asked!

Top to bottom, Sparta, Vyšehrad, win or fall

Just a minute.

Coming down like an avalanche, Lavi

Hello.

I'd rather kill myself than live in a shithole like this.

We should first fix the leg, right?

Follow me.

On foot?!

Shit.

I normally walk it in five minutes.

Come on.

Lardarse!

You're gonna die!

Hello?

Mrs. Kozler?

Are you here?

Cool.

Really cool.

- I knew you'd come. - Really?

I could smell you for half a mile.

Well...

I’ve got a new player. He’s got problems.

I know, with his ankle.

I read it online.

Scram!

- Sit down. - No, I'd rather stand.

Sit down!

Alright, I will!

What are you doing?

It’s unnecessary. Please don't do this!

This needs a "sore leg" ointment. Let me mix it up.

What?

Stand back.

Do the turds have any actual healing effect?

- No, he just pisses me off. - I understand.

- What’re you whispering about? - It’s nothing.

What an awful smell!

- That's it. - And for the obesity?

- That would need "painful dung". - "Painful dung"? No way!

You're not putting. This is good enough.

- No, it’s a drink. - You must be crazy.

It will only help you lose weight. Nothing else.

- It's got some side effects. - Well, you see?!

- An hour-long, stone-hard erection. - Give it here, you hag!

You were supposed to drink just half of it.

What half?

No!

Fucking hell!

- What a dick. - You moron.

Look at it, mate! This is what I call a knob, man!

- Lavi! - Oh man, baby!

- Look at this! - Great!

What are you doing here?

As a proper football wife, I have to follow you wherever you play.

So you and these two are gonna stay here with me?

You bet, honey. You look so nice now!

How did you manage to lose so much weight?

Lavi?

That's my wife.

She told me to give it a try.

No way! Ctibor Šebek.

The coach. Nice to meet you.

- Lucie. - What a beautiful name.

It means “luminous” in Latin.

And now we’re all basking in your light. Aren’t we?

- And what does Lavi mean in Latin? - Nothing.

Thank you for giving him a chance.

He must be good if he has such a wife.

Alright, calm down, old man.

- Where’re we going to live? - Yeah, exactly.

Well, listen...

It’d be better if he lived here alone.

So he can fully concentrate. He'll live with me.

- No way. - I have to stay.

I want to lead the local cheerleaders.

- We don't have any. - So far.

- Hello. - Hi there. Hi.

Hello.

Alright, so he’ll be staying at the rectory.

- Good, perfect. - It's great. Let's go for lunch.

- And afterwards... - Sure thing.

No way, stop it! The training session has only just begun.

And until you're fit again, no sex at all!

It’s not possible, not in my case.

- Plus the ankle, you see? - Your ankle's fine, isn’t it?

It really is.

- I can play football again, baby! - Honey...

Let me get changed. Sorry, football means more than shagging.

Well,

I don't really agree with him.

Yeah, I probably caught the bug there.

Hey, girls! I'm Lucie. Lavi's wife.

I'm about to form a cheerleading squad.

So I'm counting on you. What're your names?

- Well? - Květa.

Dáša.

- Romana. - Alice.

- Bára. - Heluš.

Too many names! So I'm just gonna call you “girls“.

Is this how you normally dress around here?

It's gonna be tough, but I’ll sort you out.

Let's go!

Fifteen. Sixteen. All the way down, lads.

All the way down! You can handle 20 minutes.

Hi there, clods! Alright, that’s it.

I think you all know who I am, I suppose.

But I wonder what your names are. It would be nice to...

- Honza. -Hang on! - Martin. -Joseph.

- Marcel. -Calm down! - Keep moving. -Good, good...

I won't remember you anyway.

All the way down.

Does the old hag have something for fitness, too?

She doesn’t, but I do.

Meet me here at 7 a.m. tomorrow. And take off this finery.

Come on, let's go!

That will do.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

- It just went off. - Sure, man.

The music’s here!

Perfect!

Alright, girls, the basics now.

Hips, hips, hips, hips, hips, hips.

I'll go, it’s okay.

Move forward, okay? Hop, hop. Alright?

Come here!

Oh yes!

Not again!

Everything’s fine.

Perfect, yes.

I can't anymore. I can't!

Sure you can! Keep swimming!

- I'm here, don’t worry! - I can't take it anymore!

I'd like to thank you for finding some time to meet me

in this beautiful wine region of yours.

I know how hard-working you are, and I like that very much.

You've got us mixed up with South Moravia, you idiot.

- This is South Bohemia. - We don't pick grapes here.

This is where the carp swim.

South Moravia, South Bohemia... Tweedledum and Tweedledee, right?

I offer you change and I believe you want it too.

I see.

Hello, Hradiště! Welcome! My name’s Jarda.

If you want to kick, you must dig!

Hey! Wait a minute!

Hang on! I'm Jarda!

I'm Jarda and I want to be your president!

Hi there, Brno.

I know that most people don't like change.

I went through it myself the other day.

It scared the hell out of me, but in the end, I love it.

One would do anything for one’s children, right?

I’m sorry.

I know it's hard to listen to,

but it's high time for a leadership change.

Time to make room for the next generation.

So it can show its abilities.

Even if we have to cut back,

and perhaps even give up what is dearest to us.

If we all work together

without being afraid of hard labor,

we will succeed in the end and everyone will be happy.

And it won't even hurt. None of us are blameless.

So He sent a ball to the sinners to make amends.

And so they did, writing it all down.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

Mea maxima culpa.

But only the one above can be the real judge.

We must take our beloved football back to ourselves.

We no longer want to hear that certain things are impossible.

Nor look at the destruction of what we love.

We need to clean up the mess!

And it takes drastic solutions sometimes.

But we must fear nothing.

Hello!

- Not even making... - Lavi!

...or simply repeating mistakes.

We must put out all fires!

It's not easy to reach the very top.

Baby!

Especially while clinging onto moral values.

- Baby? - You're such a stupid cow, mate!

Baby! Christ alive!

I’m fine.

We have to do everything we can!

What a match!

And much more still!

You need to toughen up a bit, boyo!

I just need your support, lads.

Sure, everything's gonna be fine. I gotta to go now.

- Bye. -Bye. - Football does need cleansing.

But let’s fuck some whores now.

- But I think that... - You can manage even with the briquette.

You can trust a Brno guy.

Be quiet, you’ll wake him up!

Jesus Christ, stop screaming!

Oh God, please, shut the fuck up!

"Golden Rod", that's a classic, mate.

What kind of bird is that?

I made it myself. Put it back.

Let’s have some breakfast.

The best dish before each match. Franz himself stole this trick from me.

All the boys grew up on it.

It's a wonder you're not in the Champions League yet.

I was happy for you when you went to England.

Really.

I almost played abroad, too.

In Germany.

For a boy like me it would have been a dream come true.

So what happened?

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It doesn't matter now.

Why did you want me anyway?

Listen, Lavi,

- none of us are perfect. - There’re very few of us, yeah.

Well...

- I used to be pretty wild, too. - Really?

I made my coaches suffer.

That's why I understand players like that.

I love being a football player.

Being a football player or football?

Is there a difference?

Maybe you'll get it one day.

Hello, Dad.

Tap a few beers for me, will you?

- Hey, kiddo. What are you doing here? - Bringing you luck, aren't I?

I didn’t go to England with you and it was a disaster.

You're right.

- Do you know anything about Jarda? - I don't.

- What’s he up to? - He’s running for FA presidency.

- I don't care anyway. - Come on, let's warm up!

I'm gonna get changed.

- Good. I’ll be cheering for you. - That’s advisable.

Come on, lads, right from the start!

Let’s go!

Come on, let’s go!

Make it watchable, Tonda!

Football has to look sexy. Help him on the wing!

Good! Good.

- Forward! - Stretch it a bit!

There’re two of you there!

In and out, back and forth. Just like at home, right?

Pass it!

Well done, Jura! What a goalie!

- Pass it, Lavi! - But to who?

- Stop dribbling! - Pass it, quick!

Stop gawping at those bitches!

- That’s a fucking foul, isn’t it? - You’re up north, get used to it, mate.

Man on, man on!

Jesus Christ!

It was clean!

Kick him back, what are you scared of?

Clean.

Clean.

- Clean. - Clean.

There goes the whistle! We have to go and change.

You know, we still need a bit more training.

Don’t we, girls?

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay, then.

Thanks.

Three points, lads, but only just.

- Juro, that was really good today. - Thanks, gaffer.

Hey!

- Hi. - Hi.

Tell me, mate,

do you shag the chicks’ mums, too?

- They’re our mums. - Mummy’s boys, man.

Should I tell them about your relationship with your mum?

Shut up! You hear me?

Thank you.

Lads,

when we agree on tactical instructions, we really need to follow them.

- But that’s what we do, don’t we? - We’re working our arses off.

According to my data, you only ran about 20 meters.

Stop laughing. You did 22 passes in the match.

- That’s good. - Move it, Tonda!

- Twenty of which were not completed. - You’re taking the piss, man.

And you should stay in the third quadrant more often.

- Keep playing, man! - Come on!

I’ll show him a quadrant that he’ll piss himself!

Listen, young man,

could you film a video like that for every match?

If I’m here, sure.

That’s my daughter, you little perv!

Don’t shout at him. He’s not that little.

- That was just accidental! - And how about that?

- What’s that, man? - Calm down!

So you can handle two chicks at once? Round and round, like your daddy?

- You’re my boy! - No. I love only one girl.

This is just a hobby.

- Being a peeping Tom? - So what?

We all used to climb up gutters to look into girls’ shower rooms

and wank over our female PE teachers, right?

It was the first time I’d seen a woman’s bush.

Everyone did that, didn’t they?

What the fuck’s wrong with you? It was just wanking.

- Let’s go! - Foot on the gas, right from the start!

Easy, easy.

Go past him.

That’s it, good, keep it up!

Honza! Third quadrant!

What quadrant, man? It’s just a pitch, for fuck’s sake.

Come on! Come on!

Now!

- Lavi! - Fuck!

Doesn’t matter. Keep trying and we’ll get lucky.

Yeah!

Great work by everyone, lads. Well done. Lovely!

Great passes, mate! Keep it up!

Five, six, eight, ten!

Girls, get up!

It’s so stupid, dancing on the grass in heels!

- I didn’t realize! - Shit, let’s go home.

I’m sorry!

Lads! We’re two-nil up, but we have to play till the end.

- Don’t rest on your laurels. - Or we’ll fall into the Csaplár trap!

What?

We’re not far enough ahead so that we can clock off.

They score, we get nervous and they steamroller us.

So it’d be better to be only one goal ahead or what?

- Don’t look at me, I know it’s rubbish. - Lads!

Here we go!

Fine!

Open it for him!

Good! Let’s go, lads, that’ it.

- A through ball, Lavi! Lavi! - On your right!

Yeah!

Yes!

Girls, forget it, you’ll do fine next time.

Yeah, we’ll bring our trainers.

Or football boots.

- Can I? - Yeah.

Today it looked as if you started to love football again.

And not just being a footballer, yeah, I remember.

Thanks for trusting me, gaffer.

I’ve got something for you.

- What’s that? - A piss break!

At last!

Someone get the child there!

Shit. Just like your dad, right?

You’ve got footballs on your willies, all of you!

There’s only one explanation for that.

You all knew what I had on my dick and you had it done as well, right?

- No. - So what’s that supposed to mean?

So, have you realized now?

- I wanted to tell you. - Tell me what?

Well, this...

They’re all your brothers.

Not again.

And how do you know it?

I’m their dad, aren’t I?

And what’s that got to do with me?

If I’m their dad and they’re your brothers...

So,

one of those women

is my mum’s sister, mate!

- He’s a fucking moron! - You’re such a genius.

- I’m your dad, too. - You fucked my mum?!

- There was no other way. - I’d smack you if I knew how!

I’ll pay you if you beat him up.

- Why would I beat up my own dad? - Fuck, he’s your dad as well?!

What kind of fucking country bumpkin bukkake is this, man?

- Well, our old man’s a bit ... - He’s a womanizer.

I wanted to say “sexually active”, but yes, sorry.

- Why did you not tell me? - No need to be so formal.

Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?

I wanted to, but then I thought I’d wait

until you’d settled here and got to know your brothers a bit.

- I didn’t want to scare you from the off. - That I have a dad and ten brothers?

Or that you fucked your way through a bus full of minging hags over the years?

- My mum’s quite fit. - She’s not fit, mate, she’s not!

Fuck you. Fuck all of you!

- Lavi. - I wanted to find out who my dad was.

I did, but now I really wish this thing had never happened.

- You made me look like an idiot! - You can manage that yourself, mate.

At least come back to Smrkov.

- Never again! - Where are you going? Lavi!

And you don’t even speak to me! It’s your fault!

You forced me to play in this shithole, mate!

Lavi.

Lavi!

- Don’t worry, he’ll be back. - He left me in the lurch.

- You’re heading off? - Yeah, going to my folks.

If it’s about that performance, we’ll manage it next time.

- You’re leaving us just like that? - Sorry, girls.

I just wanted to be close to Lavi, I want to start a family.

I see.

- So the dancing was just a pretext? - No way! Well, maybe a bit.

But I enjoyed being with you.

Just go. You don’t fit in here anyway.

Take it off.

- I don’t have anything on underneath. - Take it off!

- What’re you doing here? - Where have you been?

- Having a coffee. With my friends. - A coffee, really?

It must have been a proper latte, Helena.

What do you mean by that?

That your friends must have accidentally wanked all over your face!

- So what? - So what?!

When I don’t even get a teensy espresso at home, I have to go out for a big latte.

I travel all over the country mustering any support I can,

and even look after the boy every day. But you?

You know what? Fuck you!

- So what’ll you do? - With what?

With this.

The same thing. I’ll look after him.

Have you phoned Tvrdík and those mates of yours to ask for their support?

It’s not that simple, Jarda.

I thought families should stick together.

What does that Mizina think of himself?

Should we set him right?

He’ll go up like paper.

Let’s concentrate on Vyšehrad now. Fruit!

We’ll sort them out once and for all. Depart!

Yes, that’s right. Move it! Pass it back!

What are you doing?

Get up! It was nothing. No play-acting!

Substitution!

Láďa, get changed, you’re on.

- Daddy? It’s done. - Great.

Our butcher’s just slaughtered that pig from Vyšehrad.

Did you see his face?

Help! Help!

I got scared when you started calling for help!

- Dad, can we go there? - Sure, enjoy it.

No! No!

No! No!

Podzimek: triple fracture of the right leg, crushed jaw, punctured lung.

Kakuna: broken vertebra, broken left wrist,

dislocated right wrist.

And Poruba?

- Attacked by a velociraptor. - Sure.

Good thing we have the youth team.

Okay, go and coach them.

Yeah, sure. Okay, boys.

How’s it going, president?

I really don’t get how that swine can campaign from prison.

When you spend years sucking up to bastards, you become a bastard yourself.

How can people be so stupid? To want a cunt like that for president?

We’ve already lost two matches by default because of him.

We didn’t have enough players. One more time and we’re out.

- And we’re playing this weekend, so... - Fucking hell.

Have you got some good news at least?

Yeah, I think so. But I still need someone in north Bohemia.

Lavi’s there now, isn’t he? And his coach is really popular.

- He could open the door for you a bit. - I wouldn’t be so sure.

Good catch.

It came by mail.

What’s that?

The player of the week award, I guess.

What does he want?

- Hi. - Lavi, mate.

No nonsense with a ball like last time.

- No glue, no globe. - Of course not.

- Hi, Richard. - Hello.

So you just turn up here after all that?

I’m following you. To know what you do and how you are.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

But I’m not following you.

Because you’re too busy, right?

- Not really. - Apparently, you...

You’ve packed it in. I’ve spoken to Lucka.

Yeah, I’ve finished.

Why? You had an excellent coach up there, didn’t you?

- Šebek’s a bastard. - Since when?

He’s my dad. And the teammates my brothers.

Are you on something? Have you got a bit for me, too?

I’m not on drugs, it’s true.

He made himself a team of Klapzubas.

They live there like a big wacky family and have ignored me my whole life.

It’s the same for me, Lavi. I’m all alone now for everything.

All alone, really?

- What do you need? - I need help.

After all, Šebek has a lot of friends, he has good connections up there.

It would help my candidacy, you see?

So you only come here when you need something.

- No. - I thought I didn’t exist anymore.

Lavi?

- See you later, Richard. - Bye.

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY

Didn’t believe he could be back...

- Let’s have a shot. - Come on, man.

- I don’t want one. - Have some.

I don’t want anything, man!

Those who played stopped playing

Everything was too far away at once

Lavi

Thought he was the only one, Lavi

Thought he was guiltless, Lavi

From bottom to bottom, drowning with mud all around

Lavi

Thought he was the only one, Lavi

Thought he was guiltless

Hello, bros!

- Have you come to save me? - That’s what bros are for, right?

You’re fucked!

Let’s fucking get after them!

Wait...

Was that part of the plan? I thought they were just your classmates.

I can’t go to school on Monday.

I’m so glad to see you. I really am.

It was probably some Slavia fans. They wanted to kill me.

How are you?

Mummy...

DIPLOMA "TOP SCORER"

Hello.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, sorry about the window.

But I had to get inside somehow, didn’t I?

People never lock their doors here.

I understand why only women come to you and men can’t stand you, coach.

Christ, stop being so formal.

Yeah, it’s true. They’re not too happy about it.

Who would be, right?

- I’m glad you’ve come back, Lavi. - My bros helped me.

- Yeah, I heard. - I promised them I’d talk to you.

I understand you’re angry with me and that you think I abandoned you, but...

You didn’t give a shit about me my whole life?

You know what? Let me play you something.

This is not the best time for some eighties porn.

Come on, come on!

I used to go to your matches.

Keep going! Yes!

I was proud of you.

And still am.

Whistle! That was a foul!

And what about the other tapes?

I went to all of your matches.

Got a video of a good goal?

Lots of good goals.

Like this one.

I remember that. That was against Slavia.

Fuckers...

Nice one.

Julda, put your back into it!

Man, Mum got really drunk that day.

And then our coach had her.

Goal! You see that, coach?

Well done, lads! Great job.

According to the latest reports, Vyšehrad won’t be able

to play their weekend match

due to a fatal lack of players.

This will also result in their expulsion from the league.

What should I do for you to forgive me?

Their last season successes

and Lavický’s goals are long gone.

Only a miracle can help them now.

Do you know what you should do?

A miracle.

- Thank you for coming, our situation is... - Sorry.

Sure. Hello, Lavi.

- Hi. - Hey.

You still look fantastic.

- Of course. And you should think again. - Have you got someone now?

- Are you taking the piss, or... - Watch your mouth!

You’re our son, but don’t stick your fucking nose in this.

Of course I have.

Michal Žloutek.

Pleased to meet you.

Ctibor Šebek.

Stop the squawking!

Sorry.

Why didn’t you tell us?

You’re going to play here and we’re to miss out on it?

But we’re staying the night, so we thought the dads wouldn’t like it.

You’re quite right about that.

I arranged 30-day loans, which is the minimum.

But, old hand that you are, you know that already, right?

Yeah.

- Hi, Gramps. - Hello, Richard.

- You knew it from the start, didn’t you? - I’m glad I have another grandfather.

And I’m glad I have a grandson like you.

Don’t get your hopes up, he’s a dysfunctional grandpa.

- Do we have to rake about in the past? - I’m happy to do that.

- What actually happened between you? - Nothing.

She just didn’t like me climbing up gutters

and spying on girls in the shower.

- I told you it was normal. - No, it never was.

Gentlemen, get ready.

Fuck off, you prick.

- Come on lads, let’s get started. - Yes, sure.

Michal, leave it up to him, they’re his lads.

- Bloody hell! - Oh man, Jirka! What’re you doing here?

- Shouldn’t you be in jail in Argentina? - I escaped.

What are you gawping at, you scumbag? Jirka Dóna.

Lavi.

You’ve managed to dig your way through from Argentina?

Are you an idiot? I just dropped my keys down there.

Sorry about the joke with Mára Dóna.

It’s fine, it served me right for using up all the hot water the other day.

- So we’re quits? - It’s a draw.

Do I smell bad or what?

Is he any good?

The last piece of the jigsaw.

We’re all from Smrkov.

We were all born there.

We might spend our whole lives there and die there, too.

But unlike every other local, you have a chance

to achieve something great. It’s what you’ve always wanted.

I know it, because I taught you that myself.

So when you get a chance to achieve something, don’t waste it.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

So go and play for each other!

So that everyone can see it doesn’t matter you’re from the lower leagues.

And that you can play against chaps from the third division!

Yeah, but we’re only one league below them.

Alright, let’s go.

No way!

Who the fuck you think you are?

Did you see how he tumbled down?

- No. - You should have.

OK lads, come on, come on!

Pass it, quick!

Yes, that’s it!

Go, go!

Pass the ball, mate!

Now! What the fuck?

- There was no-one! - What d’you mean?

You just fucking ran into them, man!

Tonda, watch out!

- Fucking hell. - Cheer up, cheer up!

Doesn’t matter.

Girls!

Bitch? Girls!

I know you’re angry with me, but this is a bit...

Smrk-Off Bitches?

Oh, I see!

That’s fantastic!

- We’ve been training. - What? Today? Here?

- But we’ll sink again. - They’ve got an astroturf pitch here.

But I feel kind of... I think I’m ill.

It’s not an illness.

- I know, I’m trying to... - Lavi!

Hi.

Hello, baby.

I’m really sorry, love, okay?

- You know I love you, mate. - I love you too.

Are we okay, then?

- Hello, girls. - I’m pregnant!

- No shit! - Yeah.

I had no idea I had been pregnant for some time now.

Aren’t you happy?

Yes, I am. Of course I’m happy.

- But we last did it... - When you were so fat.

- But I couldn’t get it up. - You could.

I guess we just couldn’t see it over your paunch.

- And why are you telling me now, baby? - When else?

Any other time, but not at half-time. Do you want me to end up like Beckham?

- And how did Beckbam end up? - Badly. You’re like Victoria. Posh Spice.

I need more through balls from you. I’ll get in the gap and score.

- No, we’ll play it differently. - How differently?

We can’t walk it into the net, they defend well.

We’ll play high balls forward.

Like the national team in its heyday.

Luďa, punt it like Ujfaluši.

Lavi will tap it near the box like Dino.

And you, Jirka, you’ll fire it in like Nedvěd used to do. Alright?

Like fuck I will!

I won’t tap it for some darkie who’ll steal my thunder.

Back in Smrkov, it seemed you finally knew what a team was.

Putting one of my bros first again, huh?

- Firstly, he’s not your brother. - I don’t believe you.

What are you gawping at? Let’s see your prick.

Okay, he’s not my brother.

And secondly, I’ve never put any of you first.

I’ve been following you. I know everything.

I know when you scored your first goal.

And that you scored a hattrick against Teplice.

Or how you bought prostitutes for your teammates.

And that you slept with a woman who was born a man.

- Fucking hell, mate! - How can you know that?

I know things you don’t even know yourself.

I’m your dad, after all. I take you the way you are.

Christ, so just believe me and do as I say.

- She wasn’t born a man. - We know that, bro.

Five, six, Smrkov bitches!

- Yes, yes, yes! - You were amazing!

Wow, baby! I’m so proud of you.

Let’s go, come on!

Lads, I know I fucked it up back then.

I might have conceived the boys, but you brought them up.

And you brought them up so well.

If only I had had the same chance.

They treat you as their real fathers.

And they’d definitely be happy if you supported them a bit.

And if it helps you let off steam, you can punch me.

Oh shit!

- Fuck! - Doesn’t matter.

Come on, lads!

Listen, guys.

Isn’t that Mára Dóna?

Oh yes!

- Mára Dóna! - Mára!

Let’s go! What did I tell you?

- That’s it! - Go!

Good!

Yes!

Let’s go! One more goal, you pricks!

That’s it! One more goal! They’re my lads after all.

The most popular sport in the world.

We even have the highest number of registered players per capita.

They come and kick the ball around at the weekend, or just watch a match,

and think they have a right to the sport.

But is that fair? As far as we go?

We live the sport,

we wake up in the morning thinking about football,

we fall asleep at night thinking about football.

It’s not sport for all, it’s our sport.

It’s our football! It’s our league!

And those arseholes have to realize that once and for all!

Exactly.

- Daddy? -Yeah? - It’s time.

Switch it on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our beloved sport is at a crossroads.

We can either pretend everything’s fine,

or vote for change

and start cleaning up football under my guidance.

We’re not doing it for ourselves, are we?

We’re doing it for future generations.

We’re doing it for our children.

I think the most important thing for you

is that you know what you can expect from me.

Because I am your Daddy.

I am the Daddy of all of Czech football.

Vote for me.

Because these do-gooders

talk a lot of bullshit,

but they can’t get money into football.

I think it’s better to swim in shit that you know

than try to wash yourself with water you know nothing about.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Come on, do it, hurry!

Well done.

He whistled for the end, did you see that?

Yeah.

Here’s a tissue.

Thanks for your help.

The legends about you are obviously true.

Shame it didn’t work out back then.

How about joining us?

Second division, you might like that.

Thanks for the offer, but I have to refuse.

- Lavi! - Yes?

Thanks for putting the team first.

Thanks for spending time with me.

Even though I didn’t know about it.

And you thought you were all alone.

I’m all alone now for everything.

Shit! How do you do it, you runt?

I need your help.

Vyšehrad won. It didn’t quite work out for you, did it?

I’m always a step ahead.

When Lavi finds out what dirt I have on him,

he’ll be eating out of our hand.

You think?

Give me a bit to drink.

Mattoni’s finished, Stork.

Lassie, I think you’ll be a great dad.

But I already am. I’m great, baby.

- It’s sorted. - I have to go.

Wait!

We’ll be a family!

Jarda’s also a family.

And now you and I are a family, too.

Hello, sweetheart.

- Come on, then. - Hi there, little one.

Come on. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.

Come on. Smile!

- I don’t want to! - Why not? Just go!

Šebek’s phoned. We’re supposed to vote for Mizina.

Connect me, something’s happening.

I can’t, they’re playing something there now.

Vote for Jarda Mizina. Jarda Mizina is our only chance.

We can’t manage without Jarda Mizina.

Vote for Jarda Mizina, the future of Czech football.

He understands it well and I’m sure he can help it.

Once and for all, vote for Jarda Mizina!

Only Jarda Mizina can clean it all up!

And the results will be announced by

Champions League winner Marek Jankulovski. A round of applause, please!

- Thank you. - It’s fine. Don’t worry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

with 121 votes, the new President of the Czech Football Association is...

Stop! Stop!

Vote for Mizina, you cunts! all of you, man!

You’re the best, Jára.

Miloš.

Ilona.

The new President of the Czech Football Association

is...

Lavi

Coming down like an avalanche

Lavi

Both a genius and a moron

Lavi

Top to bottom, Sparta, Vyšehrad, win or fall

THE END?

Lavi

- It’s back! I can smell it! - What’re you doing, you idiot?

Give me that one, yes. And that one as well, yeah.

That was the best part, right? That was the best thing!

- Come on, come on, come on! - That’s it, come and get the ball!