Original subtitles

620, give me that jab on Mulligan.

Come on.

Sit right down there.

Oh my God.

Yeah, it's 10 -4. I have the perp in question in my office now.

Perp?

Yeah, perp.

Why, are you perplexed?

Frankly, yeah. I don't know what you think I did. I mean, I'm a professional.

Oh, professional.

Professional what, thief?

Do I look like a thief to you?

I don't know. Let's find out.

Ah!

Yep. Oh. Here it is.

What? A woman can't have condoms?

A woman certainly can have condoms, but a woman should not be stealing them.

Mike, you have no proof that I stole anything.

We actually do. We have security footage.

You know what?

Maybe I threw them in my bag on accident and I was planning to pay for them, but

didn't, and I'll just go ahead and pay for them now. How about that?

Oh, yeah? Well, you already left the store with them, so with that we have a

problem. Oh, my God. I can just go back to the store and pay for them.

Yeah, but once you kind of cross that threshold with items you didn't buy,

that's when you're entering my domain.

It seems like you just have, like, a little bit of a control issue. Control

issue? Call it a power trip, because you know what?

I'm in power now.

Men like you, we have terms for that.

Yeah, and it's called the boss.

That's the word we have for that.

It's on the boss here.

That's just ridiculous.

Just why don't we go back to the store and ask them if they're fine with me

paying. I'm sure that they would be more reasonable than you. You're not even

the manager.

Well, here's the problem. You already took these condoms.

So for all I know, there are other things you might have taken.

You're a liability in this establishment.

So now, it's my duty to assess how much of a liability you are.

So for starters, I'm going to have to search you. So you can go ahead and

up.

I'm going to use this handy dandy little wand I have right here.

What the fuck? I will not.

You will not?

I... That's fine. You know what?

That's totally fine.

You're making my job easier.

I'll just contact the police, and they'll search you instead.

That is so ridiculous.

You know, I don't even have pockets.

All right, well, Ms. Pockets, let's go ahead and see what you've turned into,

Pockets. Oh, my God. This is stupid.

I'm going to have you fired. What's stupid is you have a nice, bad,

expensive calculator, and you're going to go ahead and steal some cons.

That is what's stupid, especially under my watch. Do you know how many thieves I

catch on a regular basis here? You don't, because if you did, you wouldn't

think, I'm going to steal some condoms here. So we're going to go ahead and

search you. This little power trip is really pathetic. You know, I feel sorry

for you.

Don't feel sorry for me. You're not going to have a job by tomorrow.

What? There's something up here.

It's a belt.

Clearly. All right, all right.

That's fine.

This is so stupid. I, you know... Men like you, I bet there's no other

job you could possibly be doing other than harassing me, right?

No other job I'd rather be doing.

Go ahead and take that top off for me.

Are you serious?

Oh. Dead serious.

I'm not taking my top off. What's wrong with you?

You're what's wrong with me right now.

Take your top off.

Or what?

It's fine. I don't need to do this.

You can just make my life easier. Be out of my hand.

Just say the word and the police will handle it themselves.

Stupidest thing. You sure?

Because I'm fine with it.

Happy?

Not quite.

It's a lace bra. It's not like I can hide anything in it.

I'm sure you got a few things in there.

It's got plenty of meat in your pack underneath it.

Excuse you?

How dare you?

You have no idea how much trouble I'm going to make sure that you are in.

You've stolen from us.

You're not in the position for that.

We'll see about that.

Well, go ahead and take that top off, the bra, everything.

I need to see what's there. You can't be fucking serious.

I'm very.

Really? That's right.

I'll take it off.

I don't think that this is customary.

Just what I need. Some security guy.

I have to check. I think that you've checked.

Okay. I could check a little more.

Alright, well... You don't seem to have anything

in the bosoms.

Correct. I didn't hide anything in my bosom.

Now, how do I know you haven't stashed anything up in that long skirt?

It's a skirt. Do you see pockets on the skirt?

There's nothing.

I bet if I took that skirt off, I'd find a pocket or two.

That is true. You know what? You stay there. I'll do it myself so I don't

have your creepy hands. By all means.

Seriously.

There.

Look for the pocket.

Panties. No.

You don't need my panties. My panties are see -through.

Yeah, but your pussy's not.

Are you serious?

Very.

I'm going to be making so many phone calls.

You don't even understand how well connected I am. Oh my... Really?

Really.

I can't believe... You are in so much trouble.

Ma 'am, I've already told you before.

I don't have to be the one doing this.

I could leave it to the boys in blue.

I think you like to be the one doing this, don't you?

I wouldn't be surprised if... This is something you wanted.

Excuse me?

Well, you know, it could be me or it could be the police, and you seem to be

very eager for me to check all your parts.

I promise I didn't want to be infected by a lowly little security guard.

All right.

But you never get to touch women, right? Is that why you have this job?

No, I have this job because I love taking care of these stores.

Oh, yeah. Total. Everyone is this passionate.

I can't believe this.

Really, you need to get that close in there.

Oh, yeah.

Perks of the job.

Oh, my perk.

I knew that you were a pervert.

I'm just passionate about my work. Uh -huh.

Go ahead and get this leg up on the table for me.

So you can get a closer look.

Really? Really.

You can't see where you're at?

I want to be extra sure.

Fine.

Give the pervert a better fucking view.

Yeah, thank you.

Wow, that's lit.

Excuse me? I said, uh, if you have any tips, you know, on how I can search you.

You know, my first tip would be to not.

You could... Wait a second.

I think I need to get my fingers up in there. Wait, what?

I need to make sure you haven't stashed anything in there.

Obviously I haven't.

Stashed. Obviously. Okay.

That seems like enough of that.

I haven't stashed anything.

Well, I guess that's all you've taken today.

But for all I know, you're going to come back and deal with something else

another day.

Oh, I assure you, I will not be coming back.

Oh, yeah? You assure me?

Well, there are other ways you can assure me, and maybe I might let you

those condoms.

Maybe. If you came back another time... I assure you, I won't be coming back.

You assure me.

Why don't you take a deep breath?

You can assure me you won't be coming back.

After this experience, I won't be coming back, and I'm going to write some

reviews to make sure that nobody comes back.

I'm not quite sure I feel entirely confident about that.

What if your assurances might end up

that you keep these condoms? What if I could even

look the other way in the future time that you come here if you were to, you

know, nothing else?

I could go easy on you. That is well within my power.

You think I want condoms that bad?

I wouldn't think so either, but, you know, here you are stealing condoms.

Maybe... Maybe they aren't really that good of condoms.

Maybe I recognize you.

And maybe you're stealing condoms because...

You're having an affair?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You and I both know who you are.

Quite the public figure.

It'd be nice to keep a squeaky clean image.

Maybe... I... just enjoy condoms with my husband and...

Yes, because you two use condoms.

I'm sure it wouldn't look too great in the news to have a mug shot.

Because you stole some condoms.

They'd have a field day, wouldn't they?

Hey, I could grant you full immunity here.

Okay. I mean, I...

I

mean, I don't want a mug shot.

No, I'm sure you don't.

But maybe we can just pretend this never happened if we

try this out.

What, so I let you feel me up a little bit and... Well,

we try the condom out.

We try the condom out?

Well, I'm not talking about putting it on a banana, am I?

I... You can make this go away.

And then you'll have condoms. You can go play with your little side -piece

boyfriend you have.

Oh, my God. This is stupid.

It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous.

Yep. That's me.

Capital D.

Ridiculous.

I...

It's blackmail, right? Like, you can't just... It's not blackmail. It's the art

of the deal.

Yeah, you know, you need something, I need something, and we both leave

those things.

I mean, otherwise, you know, I'll just go ahead and

let the authorities handle it.

No, don't do that.

Yeah?

Fine.

All right.

Well, then, uh... You

know what to do.

Fine.

Here we go. Let's get it all out.

Whoa.

I don't think that this should really be necessary, but... It's entirely

unnecessary, but... If you want to stay out of the news...

I want to get my nut.

You know, I thought security guards were supposed to have more class than that.

Where the fuck did you hear that?

So is this why you have this job then?

No, no.

Definitely a plot.

Yeah, a lot of benefits here.

Free healthcare coverage, overtime, 401k,

and occasionally get to fuck the occasional shoplifter.

Men like you.

Men like me. Women like me, too.

Everybody likes me, for the most part. I'm a likable guy.

Can't you tell?

Well, I don't like you.

Well, you don't like me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Hold on, I really like that mouth.

Maybe we can...

Stop at the mouth end, right?

No, not at all.

You stopped trying on that condom you were so eager to steal.

You might as well. Yeah, I might as well.

Pop these bad boys off.

Are you comfortable now?

Oh, yeah.

It's pretty good. Now that you got there, I'm sure your husband and your

boyfriend both appreciate it.

This only I feel like I'm the lucky one.

You know what?

I think you should try out this condom now, yeah?

I really think that this is probably enough. You seem to be enjoying it

Not as much as I could.

Go ahead and put that on.

There. Looks great. We're done now.

Looks excellent.

Let's try it out.

You want to try it out? Well, I can just, like... Nope. I want you to bend

over there.

Go on.

I hope that you, uh... I'm going to make sure that this door

is closed forever.

It's a fun idea, but they love me here, and they love the stores.

Oh,

this is a good condom.

I see why you were willing to risk your entire reputation off of it.

You know... Oh,

you write so many bad reviews about this store.

Your words sound like you're irritated.

Your moans sound like you're really enjoying yourself.

It's not going to stop me from making a complaint.

Let's see.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Thank you for enjoying.

I can't help that. It doesn't make me any less pissed off at you. Oh, yeah.

Fuck you.

You and your boyfriend, Connor.

You know, close your eyes and pretend it's him.

I could feel it a little more, though.

There's so many different positions we can try. It's going to feel the same in

every position.

Will it, though?

I feel like I need to try, though.

I'm happy with you.

Really?

Oh, that's strange.

I'll be back to being mad in a second.

good time. And I'll let you come.

How dare you?

How dare

you? How dare you?

How dare you?

How dare you? How dare you? How dare you?

How dare you? How dare you?

How dare you?

Boy, I'm feeling pretty sweet and fucking kind about this.

Just like that.

You're getting a little bit above yourself,

I think.

He just came back. He won.

Shut my dick again.

Oh, you know I didn't feel anything else.

Yeah, I know. That's an excuse, isn't it?

I think that was right, though.

Because look, you did stick a condom up your pussy.

Huh. I guess it's good that I stretched you so thoroughly, huh?

You know what?

Get over here.

I want you to sit on this.

Keeping from enjoying your cock doesn't mean I'm happy right now. I think you're

really happy.

Oh, I can feel it through my condom.

On my head?

You can feel this.

All natural.

Only my husband gets that.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what?

Today I get that, too.

Get over here.

What did you take off of me?

Whatever will keep me from getting a mugshot in the press, I guess.

Almost. There we go.

Make it quick, okay?

I don't know why you're

messing with me.

It's just a business, really, Mark.

Fucking good.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Did you just come in me?

I most certainly did.

How dare you steal from us? But you know what? It's all good. I could take those

condoms home with you, and we'll forget this ever happened.

Did you learn a lesson, though?

Don't steal until they want to get caught?

I guess that's good enough.

Go ahead and collect your things.

Get the fuck out of my face.