Original subtitles

Goodnight, Bat.

I have a job. I'm a novelist. And how's that working out?

That sounded mean. I know.

But mom would have wanted you to build a life for yourself in the cabin, you

know? Not rot away in it.

I'm your sister.

I have a right to be worried about you. Build a life?

Like what, your life?

Squirt out a million kids before I'm 30? Three kids.

I have three beautiful kids. And they're your family, too.

Believe it or not, they actually miss seeing their tia.

Gotta go.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Julius King, private investigator.

I'm sorry, ma 'am, for scaring you.

Are you okay?

Um, yeah, I'm sorry. I've been jumping all morning. I didn't get much sleep.

What can I do for you?

You know, it's okay. I'll come back in a minute. No, no, it's okay.

I'm fine.

Come in.

Please. Are you sure?

Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Romo.

Olivia.

Ooh.

Peppermint. Mm -hmm.

Uh, you said you were a cop? Not actually, no. I'm a private

I'm working for some folks out of Reno.

Oh, I don't know anybody in Reno.

But maybe you could help me anyway.

You see, I've been going around knocking on doors for the last few days, and it

seems that everybody's away because of the holidays.

And then I saw the lights on in your house, and I thought, well, hey, maybe

somebody's home there, and I'll go over and check and see. Sorry, what is this

about? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm rambling a little, aren't I?

I'm actually looking for someone.

Well, three someones.

What, like criminals?

Um, you could say that.

Would you take a look at these photos and tell me if you recognize any of the

people? See, I've been tracking them for quite a long time, and they seem to

move around only at night using back roads.

I got quite close to one of them, but he slipped through my fingers.

Are they dangerous?

I don't want to scare you or upset you, but...

Yes, they are very dangerous.

That one?

He's more dangerous than the other two combined.

What's his name?

Luke.

Have you seen him?

I, um, no.

No, I'm afraid I haven't.

Are you sure, Miss Romo? Yeah.

Like you said, with everyone gone for the holidays, it's been pretty quiet.

What was that?

Oh, that's just my cat.

Your cat?

Yeah, he likes to go in the garage sometimes.

I think he likes to sniff around all the old boxes and stuff in there.

I don't know. Cats are weird.

Is there anyone else staying here with you apart from your...

No, just me and Buster.

Do you like vampires, Miss Romo?

What? Vampires. You know, Dracula, Nosferatu, Twilight.

No, not really. Why? Oh, I don't know. I just noticed that you have a vampire

book on the coffee table and vampire ornaments on your tree. I just figured

maybe you like vampires. Why not?

Lots of people do.

I mean, they think they're, oh, they're really cool.

And they're so sexy.

But they're not.

You know, I've seen a gang of babs rip a man's head off.

Then kick it round in a circle like a hacky sack.

Just for fun.

But vampires aren't real.

Oh, yes, they are.

And you know they are.

Don't you, Miss Romo?

I had you there, didn't I? I had you there.

That was just a joke. I'm just playing with you.

Ah, dear.

I guess I should go.

Oh, by the way, I'm getting serious here.

If you see any of the three that were in those photographs anywhere, please

call me.

Don't worry about the local police. They just aren't up to handling this.

And don't even think about 9 -1 -1.

The Saveron group?

That's the detective agency I work for. A little bit theatrical if you ask me,

but there are a lot of nice folk.

Thank you, Miss Romo, for the tea. It was very refreshing.

What's that?

Oh, a bat flew against the window last night.

A bat.

Yeah, I thought it was dead, but maybe it flew off.

Do you see a lot of bats flying around here in the winter?

Not really, no.

You know why that is, right?

All the bugs, flying insects, and things that bats feed on, they all hide when

it gets cold.

Bats, they either hibernate... or they fly south where it's warmer.

If you see a bat flying around in the winter, you have

to ask yourself one question.

What's it eating?

Hey Simon, it's me.

I'm in a little town outside of Tahoe.

I think I'm close to nailing one of the subjects.

I winged him pretty good last night.

He'll probably die on his own, but I want to make sure.

I'm coming in, okay?

Don't be afraid.

Luke, I brought you some clothes.

Sorry,

I don't have any men's clothes. Those are my mom's little things.

I didn't know what to do with them, so I shoved them all in boxes, and now I'm

glad I did.

I'm sure there's something you could wear for the time being so you're not,

know, naked and freezing.

Feel free to rip stuff up if you need, like a turning kit for that huge hole on

your side.

I can get you something more appropriate if you tell me your size is what you

like to wear, that sort of thing.

Oh, I'm Olivia, by the way.

Blood. What?

I need blood.

Oh, blood. Right, because a vampire.

Yeah.

I'm fresh out at the moment, but you know what? I think I know a place that

them. Yeah.

So I'll just get you some shirts.

Sweaters and a few pints of blood.

Maybe a pair of pants.

I'm thinking you're like a size 32 waist.

Am I close? No pants.

Blood.

Okay. Gotcha.

Save the pants for later. Focus on the blood.

I'm going to go right now.

Okay?

Could I have a half pound of the lean ground beef and a half pound of the

skirt steak?

Oh, yeah, and do you have blood?

Oh, um, good.

You found something to wear.

Uh, blood?

What is it?

Pig's blood.

They were practically giving it away at the butcher shop.

Who knew?

Pig's blood.

I can take it back if you don't...

Uh, more?

No.

I need to sleep.

I've got a sleeping bag if you want.

I thought you might be up.

Wow, you look different.

I feel different.

I feel a lot better, actually.

Can I come in?

It's your house.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, um... Well, okay.

You're a vampire.

Obviously. Right?

Right. Right.

So I write about vampires.

And I read about them. A lot.

And I've seen a lot of vampire movies.

I mean, a lot. A lot.

Okay. But I never actually met one. Like, in the flesh.

I didn't even know they were real until today, so this is kind of a big deal for

me.

What do you want to know?

Oh, um, okay.

Well, there's so much I want to know.

Oh, okay, I got it.

Let's start with the rule.

What rules?

You know, the rule.

How in some vampire stories, crosses and holy water are deadly to you. And

others, it's like, God and the Bible have nothing to do with vampires, so

useless against them. Things like that. For example, you can turn into a bat.

See, that's a curveball for me. That's like old school.

I mean, I like it. Don't get me wrong.

Ooh, can you turn into a bat right now?

Maybe some other time.

Right.

Because you're still healing.

So let's start with the basics.

A stake through the heart.

Would that kill you? I imagine a stake through the heart would kill pretty much

anything. What about crosses? Can you look at them? Prefer not to.

Garlic. Gives me hives.

Holy water.

Depends on the priest who blessed it.

Meaning? Meaning if he diddled kids, I'll probably be fine.

Gross. Yeah.

But the?

Crossbow ball dipped in holy water. The real deal.

No shit.

No shit.

And what about sunlight?

What about it? Do you burn up if you go outside during the day?

I wouldn't burn up, but it wouldn't feel very good either.

What does it feel like? Being in the sun?

Yeah. It feels like being kicked in the balls over and over again.

Oh.

And what does getting kicked in the balls feel like?

Oh, silver.

Or is that just for werewolves?

Wait, are werewolves real, too?

Somebody here earlier.

Huh?

Guy in a big coat.

Oh, you mean Julius King.

You know his name?

Whoa, it's okay.

I didn't tell him anything. What's the big deal? What's the big deal?

Who do you think gave me this?

Fucker shot me with a crossbow last night and nearly killed me.

Look, he doesn't know you're here, I swear.

He was going door to door looking for you.

Somebody's outside.

There's nobody out there.

Somebody is outside right now.

Are you sure?

Yes. Go check.

Luke. I'm weak.

I can't fight back if somebody comes for me.

But Luke is... Go!

There's nobody else.

You're sure?

Yes. Positive.

Well, why don't you go and check for yourself?

So what's your deal, anyway?

My deal?

Who the hell are you?

Why are you helping me?

Well, like I said, my name is Olivia, and I'm helping you because I want to

to know a real -life vampire.

Which probably sounds like a real stupid reason to you.

You think?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Close it. Please close it.

Olivia, close it.

Please, Olivia, I'm begging you, close it.

Look, if you don't want my help, there's the door. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't

mean to upset you.

Listen, Olivia, I'm not strong enough to go out there yet, okay?

Just please close it before somebody sees me.

Look, whatever that man told you, I'm not a bad guy.

No? You never ripped someone's head off and kicked it around like a hacky sack?

What? No.

Is that really what he told you?

But still, you're a vampire. You kill people to live.

I drink people's blood.

I don't kill them.

You expect me to believe that? If I was leaving dried up corpses up and down the

state line, don't you think somebody would have noticed?

Well, maybe because you're turning them all into vampires.

It doesn't work like that.

Then how does it work?

You can only turn someone if you're born a vampire.

I'm not making this shit up.

Well, if you're such a great guy, why are people trying to kill you? People

aren't trying to kill me.

The Severon Group is trying to kill me.

Whatever. Hey, the Severon Group is not whatever.

They're a bunch of jackbooted fascist thugs, and they will kill anything that

doesn't fit into their narrow -minded view of the world.

They've already wiped out unicorns.

and shapeshifters, and candy elves.

Candy elves. They're as cool as they fucking sound, and you'll never get to

a candy elf because the Severon group killed every last one of them.

And as for vampires, it's down to just me and a few others out there.

I mean, for all I know, they're all dead already.

You might be looking at the last fucking samurai over here, Olivia.

Look, you're all I've got.

If I can crash here just for a few more nights... Just until I get my strength

back. Okay.

Okay?

I, um... It's been a long day for me.

I'm gonna go to bed.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Olivia.

Do I still need to be locked up in the garage?

Until I know I can trust you?

Yeah.

Can I at least have a magazine or something to read?

I'm going to be bored out of my mind in here all night.

You can read this if you want.

Touched by a vampire.

Thanks for watching!

Let me guess.

Pig's blood.

Oh, it's Count Orlok.

From Nosferatu?

Yeah. I know what it's from.

Do you not like Nosferatu?

No, I don't. In fact, most vampires find it a deeply offensive portrayal of our

people. Wait, really?

It's like our birth of a nation. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to

or... I'm just fucking with you.

Oh.

Does it really taste that different?

I mean, pig's blood versus... I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but

it's like the difference between a craft beer and warm piss.

Well, did you know that you can actually drink your own pee?

It's true.

In fact...

Did you know that there's actually less bacteria in urine than there is in tap

water?

What?

I think it's starting to heal up.

It was slow going at first, but I guess it just needed time.

Oh.

I didn't really get a chance to... It's fine.

It's good so far.

Really. Forget it. It's stupid.

I'm just going to go inside and make some breakfast.

Human breakfast.

I'll be moving in now.

You're sure he's in there?

Yeah. Alert the disposal team.

There'll probably be a casualty.

Human. Human?

Bitch has been keeping him alive.

Where is the vampire, you whore of Satan?

Tell me where you've hidden him or I swear I will snap your fucking neck like

twig. Right here, right now.

waited.

Olivia!

Olivia, can we talk?

It was him or me, Olivia. You know that.

Look, I know you must be upset right now, but just say something, will you?

Hey, Hermana.

I'm just calling because it's almost Christmas and I really miss

you right now.

You know what? I'm being stupid.

You don't have to return this call.

Olivia! Olivia, is that you?

Who else would it be?

Listen, I read your manuscript.

And? I liked it.

Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

You have a really good voice.

Well, if that was true, I'd be published by now.

Yeah, well, about that.

I think I have some notes for you that could help.

Just a little feedback?

Maybe a real vampire's perspective could help you with your next draft.

Punch it up a little.

What do you say?

Can you get to the other side of the room, please?

Uh, yeah.

Sure.

Is there still blood all over the place?

No, I mopped it up with the cleaning stuff that I found in here. It looks

I swear.

Huh. It is clean in here.

Where did you put the body? Oh, God!

Oh, yeah.

Sorry about that.

It's cold enough in here that the body should keep for a few days, so when I'm

strong enough, I'll take it with me and bury it somewhere.

We could talk out in the living room.

I like your place.

Cozy. Thanks.

Do you ski?

Snowboard?

No, why?

You live in Tahoe?

Thought you might ski as well.

My mom skied. That's what's her place.

She, um, died last year.

Ovarian cancer.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

My mom left me this place on her will.

My sister was already married off at that point, and mom probably figured I

wouldn't be able to pay rent on my apartment for much longer.

She was right, as usual.

How long have you been writing?

Oh, well, I don't know.

Since I was a little kid.

As far back as I can remember.

Anne Reinser, Stephanie Meyer.

Huh? Anne Reinser, Stephanie Meyer.

Who do you want to be? I want to be me.

You said you had some notes on my book?

Yeah.

Let me start with the stuff that I like.

The prose is really clean and confident. It's not too flowery with a bunch of 50

cent words stuck in there.

And the anti -character is great. Skip to the stuff you hate. I can take it.

Okay. In that case, let's talk about the setting.

Romania?

Yes.

I chose Romania because it's got, like, this gothic sort of, Bram Stoker sort

of... Yeah, I know why you chose it, but you need to change it.

Bams aren't moping around dusty old castles in Eastern Europe, okay?

They go to cool places.

Cool as in cold.

Cool as in fun.

Tokyo, London, Tahoe.

I mean, have you ever been to Romania?

It fucking sucks.

There is nothing to do there. Okay, I get it.

I'll consider changing the setting.

What else?

The characters.

So you have Anna the human, and Vladimir the vampire she falls in love with,

right? Right.

Like I said, the Anna character's great. I like her a lot.

But Vladimir?

What's wrong with Vladimir?

Let's start with his name.

No self -respecting vampire would ever call himself Vladimir.

You might as well have called him Dildo.

You need to pick something stylish, something with a little pizzazz.

like... Zack.

Zack. Zack's a great vampire name.

You want him to blend into society, don't you?

How about Ethan?

Ethan works too.

Yeah, I like Ethan.

Zack, Ethan, whatever. There's bigger problems here than just his name. I

this guy is a piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Anna, she's smart.

She's successful. She owns her own tile and linoleum flooring company. I don't

believe for a second that she would go for this guy. Why not?

For starters, he's a creepy guy named Vladimir that lives in a moldy old

in Romania.

But you're going to change all that.

Maybe. The biggest issue is, like, I want him in the driver's seat. I want

to take control.

I mean, he's whining like a little bitch up until page 250.

And by that point, the book's nearly over.

He's a vampire, Olivia.

Being a vampire isn't sad.

It's awesome.

You live forever.

Every day's a party. You don't have to pay taxes or wait in line at the DMV or

worry about your fucking cholesterol.

Vladimir, Ethan is sad because his old life is gone.

Don't you get that?

Every single person he knew and loved before he was a vampire has grown old

died.

I mean, don't you miss your old life?

What, you mean when I was human?

No.

Not even a little bit.

You want to know something crazy?

I don't even remember my life before I became a vampire.

That can't be true.

It is.

I've heard it's like this amnesia thing that happens when you change.

Huh.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism?

To help you cope with the transition?

That could be interesting to explore.

Could be interesting.

Like he's trying to remember his old human life by following the clues.

Oh, and Anna could help him.

They'd be like solving the mysteries of his past together and fall in love.

That could be good.

Be very good.

I'm not ready.

I need more time.

Is it Christmas already?

Christmas Eve.

My mom would always let my sister and me open one gift the night before.

But I didn't get you anything.

Well, yeah, because you live in my garage.

Open it.

I figured you'd be sick of wearing my mom's old clothes is all.

Thank you, Olivia.

For everything.

Um, well... I'll let you get dressed. When you're done, you can

come inside.

I've got a surprise for you.

Sit, please.

You did all this for me?

I couldn't have you spending Christmas Eve in my garage.

Well then, would you please pass the blood?

Well, cheers.

Scrooge beat the crippled kid to death with his own crutches.

He did not.

Aren't you... Aren't I what?

Aren't you going to lock me in the garage?

You can sleep in the guest room if you want.

Lose something?

Weren't you going to say hello?

Hello, Jackie.

Rock.

You little dick.

Did she pick that apple for you?

It was a Christmas present.

She's up there, isn't she?

I can hear that hot little heart beating.

That's really wild.

She risked her life to save mine.

Last time I saw you, you were running away.

Julius King had just nailed you with a crossbow.

What were we supposed to do, wait for our turn?

Julius King is dead.

Bullshit.

I killed him.

With little help from my new friend.

If he's dead, where's his body?

In the garage.

Show me.

I'm not asking.

Come in.

He's this way.

Olivia!

Susan's bleeding, little bunny.

I'm Jackie.

What's your name?

Oh, what's the matter?

Can't gut your tongue?

Must be pretty comfortable up here.

Sleeping with the door unlocked.

No crosses, no stakes.

Just you, all alone in your little nightie.

He must have made you feel real safe, huh?

Aw, sweet little bunny.

You don't know Luke like I know Luke.

We've had a lot of fun times together.

Not just in the ways you're thinking about.

We've hunted together.

Killed together.

Drained the blood from hundreds of tasty little bunnies just like you.

You're lying.

Luke,

make her stop.

Yeah, Luke, make me stop.

Does he look like he's the boss?

No, he's too soft to be in charge.

Look at him now.

All torn up over one little bunny.

Let her go!

This house is my house now.

That car in the driveway, I got it.

All your shit, mine.

And in exchange, I'll let you hop, hop, hop out the front door with the

clothes on your back.

You'll freeze to death out there. Maybe.

Maybe not.

So what do you say?

You're just going to let me go?

Did I say that?

No. You can go out the front door, but you're going to have to run, girl.

Faster than you've ever run before.

How about I give you a ten second head start just to make things interesting?

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

She got away, didn't she?

She'll be back.

They always come back.

And when she does?

Mine.

I'm bored. Let's go kill something.

North, I'm never fucking skiing in that plane again with her. That's so fucking

bullshit, dude. You say that every time and you need to go back again. This time

is different. This time is... Hey, big boy.

Hey. What's up?

Hi.

You wanna go to a party with me?

So, like, where's the party?

Not far.

Hey, how much further?

Right here.

Severon Group, this is Simon.

Hello? I got this number from Julius King.

He's dead now.

I'm listening.

Before I tell you anything else, I need to know if I can trust you.

I'm not sure I follow.

Did the Severon Group really kill off all the candy elves?

What the fuck is a candy elf?

I don't know what to do. They kicked me out of my own home. If I go back,

they'll... Could you send someone?

Another vampire hunter, like Julius?

I'm afraid we don't have anyone like Julius King.

He was the best of us.

He would always bring me back gifts from his travels.

It meant a great deal to me.

But to answer your question, yes. I imagine we could find someone to send

and solve your problem.

Oh, thank God.

How fast can they get here?

Well, let's see.

Tomorrow's Christmas.

New Year's around the corner.

I think we could pencil you in around June.

June? Does that work for you?

The last three vampires in the world have taken over my home, and

you're saying you can't spare anybody until June? First of all, they're not

last three vampires in the world.

There's fucking thousands of them.

Did a vampire tell you that, too?

No.

Secondly, we're not exactly Doctors Without Borders over here.

We have limited staff, limited resources.

It's all my fault.

I saved him.

None of this would have happened if...

I have to take responsibility.

Ma 'am. Tell you what, Simon.

I've got a car full of steaks and garlic and holy water and a big -ass crossbow.

What are you saying?

I'll wait until morning.

Then...

I would strongly advise against attempting anything even remotely like

Hello?

Who's there?

I'm burning the sun.

It just hurts.

Really, really bad.

Morning, Bunny.

What have we here?

And where do you think you're going?

More garlic.

Holy water.

Didn't I tell you this stuff is pretty hermetic, babe?

How

do

you like your steak?

Jackie!

Get away from her.

Well, this is an interesting development.

Stop right there.

Or what?

You'll kill me?

Yeah.

Nah. You'd miss me too much.

You'd miss all the hunting, and the killing, and the fucking... Drop the

You may have tricked little Bunny into thinking you're as sweet as Count

Chocula, but I know you better.

You don't know me.

Whatever. You really suck now, you know that?

You used to be so fucking cool.

A few days with a babysitter and I don't even recognize you anymore.

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

Stay with me, Luke. You're going to want to see this next part.

Simon and Schuster.

Wow, Bunny.

Should have tried self -publishing.

Now nobody gets to read your city book.

Oh, his little bunny hurt.

Let Miss Jackie take the pain away.

Merry Christmas, you undead bitch.

I was chased half naked into the freezing cold.

I had to spend Christmas Eve in the backseat of a dead guy's car.

I nearly got myself killed by your psycho vampire friends.

And one of them was, like, your wife or something?

She wasn't mine. Christmas is supposed to be about spending time with the

you care about.

It's supposed to be about opening up presents and listening to Christmas

and eating and drinking too much.

It is not, I repeat, not about killing.

fucking vampires.

But you wouldn't know it from looking at my Christmas, would you?

Please.

You lied to me about killing people, about who you are.

You lied to me about candy elves, which is a really weird thing to lie about, by

the way.

Where did you even come up with that?

I'm going to ask you some questions now, and you're going to tell me the truth.

And only the truth.

Or I swear to God I'll shoot you in the heart with this crossbow and send you

straight to hell.

She bit me.

Am I going to turn into a vampire now?

No. You swear?

She wasn't born a vampire.

She was turned.

She couldn't change you if she wanted to.

Okay.

Did you ever care about me?

Was any of it real?

And you really liked my book?

Yeah.

Except for Vladimir.

Is that the sweater I gave you?

Hello? Merry Christmas, hermana.

Merry Christmas, Jess.

Hang on. There's a few other people who want to say hi. Hold on.

Say Merry Christmas to your Aunt Olivia.

Merry Christmas, Aunt Olivia.

Merry Christmas, kiddos.

Make it out to Simon.

You seem to know a lot about killing vampires, Miss Romo.

Perhaps we can work on something together in the future?

Thanks.

But I prefer writing about them.

The signing in L .A. went well.

Great turnout.

Even better than San Francisco.

What? Everyone kept asking when the next book is coming out.

I told them the truth.

Well, most of the truth.

What?

I said I'd done a few drafts, but I still need to hear feedback from my

How are your notes coming along, by the way?

May I?

Okay,

no need to yell.

Huh.

Well, this isn't very constructive, is it?

Did you even read my newest draft?