Original subtitles

[Music]

2

happy birthday son

yeah they were your fathers

hey these aren't ordinary dice they're

very special

watch numbers one two or three

means you can sit there and keep sulking

but numbers four

five and six means you have to forget

about all your so-called friends

and make the most of your party agreed

agreed good

here we go

it's settled you don't have any say in

the matter

five you go first

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get on the raft no

i said get on the raft matthew

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come on

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so

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oh

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i'm nearly there sweetheart

give me your hands

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[Music]

thank you

hey you guys dinner's ready

hello

what are they doing out there they're

playing with their toy soldiers

cute huh

well i thought dragging jonathan down

the aisle might knock it out of him

it did for a while but recently

the best man's had other ideas and i've

been happily married to the two of them

ever since

up here we have the allies and down here

we have the bad guys the french

and when the sun goes down the bad guys

are gonna sneak up towards the good guys

and kicked the living daylights out of

them

perfect french divisional assault on the

pratzen heights

austin it's december the 2nd 1805.

december 2nd 1805. i can't believe you

still remember

this garbage well i remember when this

garbage used to take up most of our

weekends

yeah well times have changed now i've

got more important things on my mind

like what like mary

you michelle melissa

margaret you're turning into one big

walking hormone

you know i can have her off the property

by midnight

you want to bet

no no i think you're taking on a huge

responsibility it's a specialized job

that requires a

very special person mary

my name is margaret

margaret sorry

what is he doing here doesn't he ever

give up

just betting the ball around the park

come on he was on first place by the

appetizer in second base by the time we

got to the potato

and if he gets a dessert i think he's on

a home run

we'll see about that you haven't heard

the worst again

what you didn't drive oh

god

michael i still say this is the dumbest

game you have ever come up with

bits bridges

i played this naked and with baby oil

oh really oh my god okay okay it's my go

left hand green left and green left and

green left hand

green

thanks for a great evening i wish we

didn't have to go

well then don't stay for another couple

of drinks oh no no no it's almost

midnight and i've got a big day tomorrow

bye

are you sure you don't mind driving at

home michael not

at all oh i almost forgot if you two

aren't doing anything on the 26th i have

two tickets to la boheme that i can't

use

la bow aim oh you gotta be joking you

shut up

i won them at an agency raffle so how

about it

thank you we'd love them good

bye what's

a musical

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oh

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hello maybe it's only me

hi listen can you hold on i'll be right

back

i'm having a small problem

hello hello

ladies and gentlemen this evening's

performance of lavon

is about to begin

when it rains it pours right mrs

[Applause]

waterson

damn damn damn

damn

god damn you jonathan when are we gonna

get a new roof

hi it's jonathan i'm at the opera house

where are you

oh no no no

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so

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so

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ugh

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ugh

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woof

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right

so

jesus god you take a check

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yes oh

fine um thank you very much

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goodbye

oh

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and in extreme conditions you acted with

resourcefulness

and courage i only hope that the scars

that you and your husband now possess

will heal as quickly as possible it is

my opinion that the deceased was a

tragic victim of his own misguided

judgment

and it will be my recommendation that no

charges be laid against elizabeth

mary weeps by the department of public

prosecutions

and it is the finding of this inquest

that death

occurred by accident you may stand up

thank you

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[Music]

jonathan

don't worry i'll get it

yes mrs wheats

yes relevant cupping cartel insurance

oh yes please please come in

[Music]

my husband's out back in the study

jonathan

sweetheart i'm busy beth

the insurance man is here

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all right i'm coming

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therapy

well i guess you could call it that do

you mind if i

hello jonathan wheats rolling copping

cartel insurance

oh i am sorry it's the uh paint you know

it reminds me of my childhood

would you like to come into the lounge

room and we can oh sorry sir

absolutely

ah little soldiers

no i never really had much time for them

myself they um they don't really do much

do they

they just sort of stand there

can i get you a drink beer wine

whiskey coke

i think we can handle that splendid

snail's new yes it is

well i'll try not to take up too much of

your time mr wheats

it's about your claims one for property

damage one for theft

damage one sofa video recorder cd player

lampshades

carpets table two broken cabinets theft

one set of solid silver cutlery the only

thing stolen

yes

what a shame they're really fine looking

pieces too

victorian georgian an old

family heirloom thief with taste eh

well that's a bad thing these days

so is this the room where the guy you

know

yes uh mr copping the guy was a really

good friend of ours so i prefer not to

discuss the subject in front of my wife

it's been six months but our lives are

just starting to get back to normal so

understood please mum's the word mum

thank you

well everything seems to be in order

the police have got their hands full of

course trying to trace the missing

cutlery and whoever was driving the

getaway car but uh to be quite honest i

don't think there's much chance of you

seeing either of them again which is

a bit of a shame really

would you like to see anything else no

no no i have taken up too much of your

time already mr witz

i um i'll just get straight home and

start processing the claim

what should take how long mr puppet oh

if all goes well maybe two or three

weeks

so we'll be seeing you again

most definitely well

would you like my card just in case no

that's okay i've got that

of course if you've got any other

questions you could always call me at

home on

this number fine no problem

excellent well good night oh

thanks for coke

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hi what you doing

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remembering

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come into the dining room

what come over here and sit down

what are you doing sit

what's going on

fun remember when we used to have fun

all right and i have an even bigger

surprise

why'd you want to do this because

michael would have

it's been seven months jonathan and it's

time we let him go

so let's do it with a bang let's do

something he'd be proud of

for one night in our lives let's think

without dicks

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[Applause]

good evening jonathan

[Music]

hello beth uh sorry about the hour i

hope i'm not interrupting anything no

not at all um

i actually need to run a few details

past beth if that's all right

at 10 o'clock at night no mr copping

to be perfectly honest that's not all

right don't you think business hours

would be a better time to discuss

details

i am interrupting something aren't i um

well look if you could just spare me a

couple of minutes

i could get rid of these questions and

i'll probably be out of your hair for

good

i don't think i have anything to say

that i haven't said a hundred times

already

if you have any questions i suggest you

read the police report

i think i'll come back tomorrow that's a

good idea

for god's sake no let's just

get

thank you shouldn't be just a couple of

minutes

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when approximately did you hear the

getaway car driving off

i mean what time

i don't remember exactly it was the

neighbors who reported that

i was too busy trying to get to the

opera so

we'll assume whoever this mystery

accomplice was saw you go inside and

waited around in the hope that michael

would get wise and come out

heard the first scream and then just

took off

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no i recall it took off just after i

entered the front door

i can't tell you the exact time you do

remember now

no i don't remember so do you recall

i i don't know why you're what do i take

as that's recall i mean

could you identify a driver

please

[Music]

i'm sorry

it's an old habit i picked up from my

father

he was a war hero you know

these were granddads

it's very old look

you see how they shine it was always

said that in the right hands

they would become transparent all the

numbers would just

melt together they could do wonderful

things

mr cupping what are you talking about

my dice well they're very nice dice but

i don't see what relevance they have to

your being here

what relevance

look one to three since we continue our

discussion now

four to six says i return tomorrow

[Music]

very well mr wheats i shall return

tomorrow

i'll make sure i mean now just hold on a

minute goodness me look at the time

doesn't it fly when you're having fun

this republic if you have any questions

i suggest you ask them now

what have you seen this fork before

yes it's ours i mean it looks like ours

where did you get this well these things

turn up

jonathan

or i'll leave it with you shall i until

morning when i return for the search

what

well new evidence requires a new search

boring i know but it is standard company

policy i can assure you

don't worry i'll see myself out good

[Music]

night well at least we know what

happened to rosemary's baby

what the hell is going on around here

the guy was here to assess the damage to

the table not to play yahtzee on it

jesus christ if you think i'm gonna let

that nut case tear apart my house then

[Music]

sorry beth that that i was gonna bother

me all

right again

god damn it don't you dare walk out on

this

[Music]

stop then you get your ass back in

one here two

three goddamn seventh

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do you mind i'm creating

you know we spent all morning at school

today making these cities out of

egg cartons

i didn't know what to say then so i said

well

maybe one or two trees grow and then

edward decided to tell him the truth

about christmas

and that they couldn't grow any trees

because of the yellow goop anyway

[Music]

just as i was asking him what the matter

was

[Music]

and i saw in the corner little jack

jonathan

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

hi there

i'm sorry

it's just that man gives me the creeps

come here

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[Music]

i'll get it

wakey wakey rise and shine

ah jonathan top of the morning to you

you're really you're late

oh christ just have a shower and you can

unleash the sniffer dogs

that won't be necessary i have decided

to approve your claim

immediately

that's great how come

simple really just retracing the steps

michael he breaks into his best friend's

house and having just removed first load

of goods

he finds himself trapped inside by the

unexpected arrival of the now missing

cup of his owner

mrs beth weetz

that the game was up he decides on a bit

of fun

so wielding the old uh sunday roast

carver

he takes the joke a little bit too far

as usual

and his reward no dear six-inch crossbow

bolt

right through the heart

and the mystery accomplice does not

speed off into the night

with the goods what are you talking

about

well the mystery accomplice stands

patiently outside the opera house

awaiting the arrival of his faithful

wife

what are you insinuating not insinuating

anything johnny old boy i'm stating a

fact

your husband mrs wheats it's the mystery

accomplice

[Music]

get out let's not get over excited here

johnny boy

come on let's discuss this like

gentlemen

[Music]

don't make things any worse yourself i

dropped my

you forgot this

[Music]

oh goody

i'll swap you

the fork i gave you last night was a

very good copy

this one though is for real

you shouldn't have checked your hiding

spot jonathan

[Music]

jonathan

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what the hell is going on

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talk to me

close the door

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so

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jonathan

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oh

it was so simple

spent half your life drowning in

interest rates

dishing out stupid premiums and up to

your hilton mortgages

then one day you come home after going

out to dinner

your house has been stripped and whammo

you can buy the new car

it's simple everybody does it

nothing could go wrong

you coming home

[Music]

if it was all so goddamn simple why

didn't you just tell me

how many look i didn't have a choice

i started putting words in my mouth the

insurance claim

the accomplice the getaway car

i mean what what getaway car

[Music]

i didn't know what to say so i didn't

say anything at all

i understand why you and michael did it

i understand why you played along

but i don't understand why you didn't

tell me

now what difference does it make now

whether it's fraud or perjury or

manslaughter

i'm going to go to jail

[Music]

call him

let's hear what he has to say

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uh

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uh

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yes jonathan i think we have to talk

would you like to come to my house

oh i'd love to shall we say 10 a.m

excellent well i'll see you then

[Music]

okay caesar one to three says they'll

play

i think i'll have another hotel on

mayfair

and just a little bit of cash for the

decorating

come on beth your go

your go beth

five one two

three four oh dear

do not pass go do not collect 200 pounds

go directly to jail

what do you want

[Music]

i've got you under my skin

i've got you deep in the heart of me

so deep in my heart you're really a part

of me

i've got you under my skin

i tried so not to give in

i said to myself

will go so well but why should i try to

resist

when darling i know so well

i've got you under my

[Music]

you never can win use your mentality

wake up to reality

[Music]

you're not gonna count it oh i don't

think there's any need

if you're sure i'll be the first to let

you know

look i am sorry about all these mucky

dealings you know but in the great card

game of life

get out

it has been a pleasure hope to see you

again soon don't hold your breath

[Music]

three to five says i leave them alone

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one

[Music]

thanks gang it's good to be back

you have me walking my cat i'm looking

very tall there am i

that's great and jenny is that me on a

beach

do we collect shells on that beach yeah

well done that's a beautiful one and

eaton where did you have me go on my

holiday

is that a ski resort

no

it's a car accident

[Music]

so

hey you all right jonathan

i know i know just

hang on a minute come to get you

i want the set the whole set

and this all right that's enough

first time was fair you've got your

money this is straight black man i'm not

gonna stand for it

i'm gonna go to the police oh really

well radio there's the telephone go on

call the police

can i have my cutlery now please

no

give him the silverware jonathan

no give him the silverware

like hell i will

all right now let's get one thing quite

clear

you're not gonna get anything else out

of me

well it uh has been a pleasure doing

business with you uh both

again oh probably not a good time beth

but i'd like to lend you these to help

out with the old paintings

get out

the night is young the skies are clear

and if you wanna go walking deer it's

delightful

it's delicious it's still lovely

he's not gonna stop oh yes he is

he's gonna take everything he owns he

wasn't dead

[Music]

excuse me can i help you i am sorry

i knocked earlier

get away from my car get away

[Music]

oh why why is he doing this to us

this is gonna stop

i can't take this anymore

[Music]

you know the most honest and unique

period of life is childhood

i mean the only way that child is going

to learn that jumping off the monkey bar

is going to hurt him

is by taking the chance and jumping off

the monkey bar

which i suppose makes children the

biggest gamblers of all

still doesn't last forever kids grow up

don't they what do you want roland

whatever it is just ask

but please leave my wife out of it

i'll tell you what we're going to do

we're going to roll the dice

now if it lands on a one two or three

you get to walk out of here scot-free

and by that i promise cross my heart how

to die you'll never ever

hear from me again

but if it lands on a four five or six

you get to be my slave for one hour

and by that i mean you have to do

exactly as i tell you

60 minutes

fair

here

you roll

[Music]

you're out of your mind

hello a yes is mr wall there please

no is mrs wall there

no here you go are there any walls there

hey listen you've got a major wrong

number

this is a telephone box in the middle of

nowhere

oh so there aren't any walls there i'm

afraid not

well you'd better get out quick because

the roof's falling down

oh my god

my

[Music]

oh

jonathan

jonathan

[Music]

hello ah betty old girl

what's cooking good looking

[Music]

what do you want oh lots of money it'd

be nice

sorry we're out antique cutlery

no then i suppose dinner is out of the

question listen you may

i speak to jonathan please no

you can speak to me what is it you want

a car beth

i'm sick of mine which car roland

both of them

okay here's what we're gonna do

i'm gonna pretend i never got this call

i'm gonna hang up the phone

i'm gonna go back to work and i am going

to attempt to lead a normal

life i'm calling your bluff mr copping

somebody has to draw the line around

here somewhere

and i guess it's going to have to be me

because i'm damned if i'm going to sit

back and let you destroy my marriage

am i to understand that this round is

between you and i beth

it's a beautiful day

i enjoy my work it's very

challenging i enjoy my work

it's very challenging i won't get angry

today

let's not jump to any conclusions

mrs wades mrs waits

excuse me detective

how are you today not bad

what can i do for you is mr waite's

inside

no no he's not he's at work

oh well he said he wanted us to meet him

here

oh really why you're crossbow i i'm

sorry i didn't mean to start anything

like this

oh it's all right

mr sweets

i i don't quite understand what's going

on you see your husband

phoned us this morning and asked us to

bring this back here

well i wish you'd called me

it's all right

shall we move in there

so how is your investigation going

um nothing new i'm afraid no leads at

all as a matter of fact

you see stolen goods of this nature are

always the most difficult kind

and well

your things being solid silver and all

will

i wouldn't take any bets on them turning

up in a pawn shop

as sad as this must be to hear i'm

afraid we're just gonna have to

say goodbye to your silverware

which is a great shame i know

it was a beautiful set

yes from what your husband tells me

impossible to replace no

i mean yes i'm

not sure

oh my god oh my god

i am so sorry quick

into the kitchen i'll get some towels

[Music]

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i am so sorry don't worry about it

it's just that whenever i think of the

silverware

i throw up

i'll get some disinfectant

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what do you mean he took the afternoon

off

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uh

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so

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ah

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um

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wow

oh

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oh

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oh

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nice

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so

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have we had a visit to season

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so

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so

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jonathan bloody little genius

you did it you did it

are you with us jonathan

[Music]

whew

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jonathan deck the hole with bows off

hello beth you put your tree out early

this year

still please you don't have to eat with

your fingers anymore

what is the matter with you are you

completely insane

what more do you want from us all the uh

holiday in tahiti the

house in the country but for the moment

i'd be content with the bmw

where's jonathan

[Music]

afternoon us

good

[Music]

uh

hello

excuse me

hello

[Music]

so

[Music]

matthew

hi honey i'm home did you have a good

day oh

yes yes i did two police turned up wheel

their crossbow and your silverware was

hung out to dry on a christmas tree

jesus what happened to you and why

weren't you at the office

where the hell have you been i've been

on a little field trip

and if i do say so myself i think i've

struck gold

everyone's got an achilles heel and

roland covington's got a whopper

did you hear me hello

he sent the police over this afternoon

he set us up i almost got arrested

and then i threw up on them

[Music]

good girl i should have thought about

this earlier

the first day he came in here he gave us

his card says please call home

it doesn't have an office he only works

from home it was like an invitation

and it's there it's all there

where's the mobile phone listen to you

you sound like a man what the hell is

going on

i don't have time to explain i'll tell

you everything when i'm set up

jonathan tell me now

[Music]

i found a hole that oh

i went there today to his house i

followed him

there might be a way out there's a

chance that we can turn the tables

but we have to play him in his own game

that's it isn't it

whether it's playing with toy soldiers

or ripping off insurance companies

it's all just a game

yes

[Music]

but it's his game and at the moment

we're losing

get out of my way

i've had enough i don't want to play

anymore

[Music]

so what are the options

we can go to the police and maybe spend

what the next 10 years in jail

or we can give him everything and let

him suck us completely dry

or we can fight we play

or we pay and i can win

it's 48 hours that's all i need just two

days and this whole thing will be over

[Music]

two days huh two days to win this one

and it'll all be over

oh really and then what what happens

next

another insurance claim or is that too

small now

how about insider trading does that

sound attractive

where does it stop jonathan

please i can't do this on my own

[Music]

jonathan i've always had a soft spot for

german craftsmanship

fear not she'll have a good safe home

[Music]

oh i took out a cover note this morning

just in case you decided to cancel the

insurance

so

[Music]

uh

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

last chance johnson

roland copping we have to talk

is that you beth yes fine well when

would you like to get together

how about tonight tonight

is that a problem no

it's not a problem it's not a problem at

[Music]

all

[Music]

see you next time

i really am very pleased you came to my

party beth

is anybody else coming

no i know you didn't know it was my

birthday

so i don't expect a present but i would

like to give you one

if you really want to give us a present

stop what you're doing my life is

falling apart

my husband thinks it's all some kind of

weird game

so here's the deal

you can have the house

you can have the car you can have

everything i don't want it anymore

and in return you let us go

i wish it were that simple

but the choice isn't mine you know

choice is a wonderful thing but too much

of it can lead to hesitation

and he who hesitates loses his parking

space

so you have to find that middle ground

and i found six oh for god

cut it out i can't

well i can you can't hurt me anymore

roland

you can't take anything more away from

me

because i have nothing

left to give you i don't care what

number your goddamn dice rolls

cause i don't give a anymore

happy birthday roland

and in a really weird way

thank you

where are you going

[Music]

four to six and i call jonathan

good girl where are you i'm in a phone

booth

okay now go get out of there as quick as

you can

all right hey

love you

[Music]

give me back my dice

[Music]

jonathan what's the matter

with your sisters no she's at her

favorite uncles

hello john john

[Music]

roland where's beth oh i'm sure she'd

love to speak to you but

she's a little bit tied up at the moment

as to her whereabouts so i think you'll

find her at my house

and i'd get over here pretty quickly if

i were you before she gets added to one

of my collections

she's got nothing to do with it roland

leave her out of it

oh but she's been stealing jonathan and

all little girls who steal

deserve a good spanking

i gather you're up to something where

may i ask are you

over here

good evening jonathan

here fancy a piece of watermelon

both

[Music]

another step closer when she never rides

a bike again

very very clever giant

but you've really overstepped your mark

this time

you wouldn't dare oh

wouldn't i no doubt about it you're very

good

probably the best yet but you've got to

think ahead

you've got to learn three-dimensional

thinking

three three three

three three

three that's right your home number

and if i dial the last three the phone

will wrinkle

correct yes let's go for a wall

i want to show you something

no tricks you've got the gun

just come on take a look at something

come on indulge me

okay but remember

the future halves of your wife are at

stake

[Music]

what are you up to a surprise you like

surprises don't you

very much you had me a little worried

you worked a little quicker than i'd

anticipated

i might have had you over a barrel you

shouldn't have relied on your wife

women are inconsistent that's why i

never married

do this do that i just avoided the

problem surely you understand that

jonathan

the perfect bachelor with a life devoted

to

[Music]

matthew matthew

oh my god matthew what have i done to

you

don't worry matthew all i have to do is

to press the radar button the phone

rings set off the answering machine and

splash

matthew wants to swim again i'm serious

[Music]

roland

you bastard

flattery will get you no way

[Music]

let's go upstairs

[Music]

come on

[Music]

how could you he's a quadriplegic

he can't even speak oh really

i thought he had a lot to say

he told me all about your father the war

hero

the man who died in action or was it

just the man who didn't want to come

home

he told me all about his present state

of health

achieved whilst trying to humor his

brother roll over silly little dice

the dice given us an afterthought to a

spoiled

unpopular little brat because nobody

turned up to his party

so what happens now

i'll tell you what we're gonna do we're

going to roll for it

numbers one three and five beth and i

walk away from here

two four and six

50 50 odds that's quite a gamble

jonathan

i'm prepared to take it

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you're wrong

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bad luck roland you lose

like i do

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good

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foreign

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it's been a pleasure having you

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uh

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surprise you vicious son of a

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this is for me and this

is my brother

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thank you thank you

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wow

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beth

what are you doing

i'm calling the police

no i am calling the police

it's over

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so

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um

uh

[Laughter]

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hahaha

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oh

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so

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foreign

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you